(Authors Note: I can only imagine what gorgeous array of medical reports Medic has collected over the years. Just a little something I whipped up before heading off to work. I apologize for the unusual formatting. Hope you all enjoy!)
BUILDERS LEAGUE UNITED
2Fort, Medical Infirmary
Record Number: 2bg532-0002f
Class: Scout__________ Date of Birth: 14/03/1944_________ Date of Report: 26/05/1969______
Insurance Carrier: BLU_ ID#: 13066439-43________________
Healthcare Provider: Medic_________ ID#: 13065640-66________________
“Fuckin’ Snipes shot me up the god damn ass. I swear to God. Doc, you’ve gotta get the bullet out of my ass.” Patient claims to be currently experiencing a high degree of discomfort in his anal cortex. Problem claimed to have occurred about an hour ago. Blushes with the further questioning of details about being ‘shot up the ass’ and refuses to elaborate.
Currently on ‘BONK! Atomic Punch’. No other medications or allergies, but stresses the dislike of peas and bustle sprouts.
Patient is experiencing impatience and is currently unwilling to comply with the standard form of treatment.
Patient’s limbs had to be secured for his own safety.
Blood pressure- 125/80. Patient looks a bit flushed in the cheeks, heavy breathing and slightly elevated heart rate is from what he claims to be nervousness. Airways are clear, ears and eyes are healthy. Patient smells of sex, sweat and shame. No visible bleeding. Lips are slightly chapped. Two hickey’s decorate his left pectoral. Anal passage has been clogged with a five and three eighth inched standard issue sniper rifle bullet. Slight agitation and reddening around the anus.
Sniper bullet is lodged past the internal sphincter, in the rectum.
Clearly patient lied about being shot up the ass.
Patient has a bullet lodged in their rectal cavity due to uneducated anal sex play.
Minor exploratory surgery procedure. Lecture on proper anal sex while operating. No anesthetic required, simple use of novocaine and Medigun will be sufficient.
Signature/Stamp of Practitioner,
REX: I'll take 'Formatting for 800' please, Alex.
ALEX: Spaces, tab, bold, italic and font sizes are negated in this website as far as Rex is aware.
REX: What is... TF2chan format frustration?
ALEX: That is correct! The daily double goes to you.
REX: Oh golly gee!
I enjoyed this. Usually I hate these "fake document" sort of stories. So, let it be a lesson to developing authors: No matter how obnoxious the formatting may be, if the story involves a bullet in Scout's ass, it is a good story.
I'd be happy if this turned into an entire series of short stories unified by the common theme of Scout getting bullets put in his ass. Unfortunately it's more likely to turn into an entire series of short stories unified by obnoxious formatting. However, I would be willing to tolerate this obnoxious formatting if it serves as a medium for other things of beauty, like setting Spy on fire, or unforeseen consequences of the Scottish Resistance taunt.
Captcha also has a suggestion: "ventricle ripblaz"
Wow i didn't expect to laugh out loud, but I did.
I like it.
I laughed. I second >3's idea of more reports. The formatting, to me, really wasn't that obnoxious.
Though I probably thought this story was so funny because I used to work in health insurance and we would actually get reports like that ALL. THE. TIME. People are really weird about stuff they put up their asses/vaginas! My favorite was a patient who had the ink shaft (lol) from a bic pen stuck in his urethra!
I didn't really expect much out of this. I was pleasantly surprised, and it at least put a smile on my face.