fuck yes a cleaned out request thread. more of a kink meme really. now all those old requests are gone so can start over. this is nice.
requestingcorpse fucking. anyone can be involved, let's just have some necrophilia. also, extra points for woundfucking.

I like your list, and on a somewhat related note, as my own request I would do anything for the man or woman who writes a general fic of any Christian Brutal Sniper video (bonus points for afanfic, and bonus bonus if he derives sadistic sexual gratification from the slaughter).

Also interested in the idea of a Snyphurr fic. I am actually considering taking this up myself.

I would love to read some delicious Medic/Medic or Medic/Sniper porn. Something with scalpels and syringes (and other kind of stuff that doctors use).
Gore and corpsefucking are also really warm welcomed.

So, could we this time get a thread where people request kinks and not just shout out random pairings they like?

I'd do anything for the person who wrote about someone doing Demoman in the eye socket. Bonus points if it's consensual.
There, i said it. I feel like a sick fuck now.

Medic/Sniper or Engineer/Soldier, trust kink. I put this up on the old chan a while back d, wanting a realistic D/s relationship depicted, where the sub puts his trust in the Doms hands while the Dom puts all his concentration and effort into the needs of the sub.

Here's to hoping.

Um, I'd like to fill the Demo skullfucking request if I may. Is there a preference as to the pairing?

Ooh! I'd love some Engineer/Soldier, with lots and lots of dirty talk and a little bit of branding (preferably without any bondage)

I'm interested in Solly's major repression issues. Gimme someone pushing him until he gives up and begs for it. Maybe Spy or Engie? Someone with srs sexual prowess.

Thressome. Two Medics. One Heavy.
I don´t ask for more oh Tf´F2 Porn gods.

8 if you do i'll be yours forever. In a metaphorical, "i owe you everything" kind of way.
Hum... Maybe Solly or Engineer? Or Pyro... No idea, really...

Does anyone have that Respawn of the dead fic? I think that's what it was called, that and a link to the old peep story?

>>13
http://dotchan.com/?p=1634 It's hosted here along with some other Cat Bounty work.

I've always wanted to read a fic where Medic drugs up an injured, bedridden Spy and watches Heavy fuck him.

bumping to prove a point

This isn't a request per se, but it is a question. Heavy was given a lot of new lines in the new game Poker Night At The Inventory. Apparently, his favorite book is Tsar Hunger by Leonid Andreyev, his favorite movies are Dirty Dozen and the first twenty minutes of Rocky 4. He also has a PhD in Russian Literature, doesn't get along with goats, is scared of ghosts, was a boxer in school, has a sad story in camp involving a bird and a throwing knife, likes redheads, prefers peach bellini as a drink, listens to Huey Lewis, and Respawn gives him nightmares.

I can't figure out whether Valve wrote the lines or not; Heavy's voice actor is the same. Should I take this as canon or not?

I'm so stupid. I apologize for making a thread that already exists. Crossposting:


To get to the point ... When will we see strippoker stuff? Come on, we all know what Poker Night made us think. I'd love to see this done.
(Bonus points if Spy and/or Engie are involved because playing Poker Night against them would be so boss)

2 . Name: Melonjuice @ 2010-11-25 17:48

Heavy/Engineer. Just because it hasn't been done yet. Someone in the Circlejerk chat suggested having Engineer repair Sasha. Alternatively, Phd bros, since Poker Night says Heavy has one in Russian Literature.

3 . Name: Anonymous @ 2010-11-25 17:52

Because it is Turkey Day, and because I am still slightly drunk:
Heavy fucking a turkey.

4 . Name: Anonymous @ 2010-11-25 18:14

I thought there already was an Adult Fanfic request thread? Did it die?

Heavy fucking a turkey sounds hilarious and disturbing, so I'll second that request.

And if the other thread is really dead, reposting my request: Medic drugs up his own team's injured Spy, convinces Heavy to screw the Frenchman while he's helpless and confused, and happily watches.

5 . Name: Eva @ 2010-11-25 21:49

The other request thread is still alive, actually...

6 . Name: BluScoutMama @ 2010-11-25 22:22

If anybody remembers that picture humon did with the Heavy tied up to the Spy with Medic supervising and essentially making them have sex...Please write that. I've wanted it for so long, it hurts.


Also Graph, your question is already being discussed over in /dis/.

Oh god. I'm dying for more engie/soldier crap and idgaf about it's subject matter.
Also, I support Heavy fucking a Turkey.

Something involving hypnosis

10. Oh my god...I second this request. SO HARD do I second it. I'd like to read it even more if it was the Spy doing the pushing...but Engie sounds amazing too~!

Requesting Scout getting unwarranted bumming by whoever, going to someone else to be all 'What a fag, amirite?' and 'This doesn't make me gay, does it?'. What better way to prove he isn't gay than by proving he doesn't like it up the butt? And doesn't like putting it in other guys' butts?

Anyone/Scout, Scout/anyone

>>12

Setup here. I don't know why I can't do porn in more than two parts - setup and delivery but...eh, here we are. As promised - the kink is (literal!) squicking (Squick is the technical term which describes sexual intercourse with an eye socket.) The pairing - as will become apparent is Demo x Engineer. Engoy the setup, nonpron bit Eva.

In the end, no one on the RED team could remember whose idea it had been to hire the women, but one way or the other, Sniper with the unlikely and enthusiastic accomplice of Pyro had made their way into town with the intent to return in the company of what polite society would deem, perhaps with a few scowls and suppressed gag reflexes, escorts

"Hey! Why the hell ya takin' Mumbles!?" Scout shouted as the camper van backed up and began a steady and calculated three point turn towards the outside gates of Granary. "That freak'll just fuckin' scare the chicks off!"

"Because." Spy piped up, "Ze women enjoy ze mystery. Somezhing I assure you, you are lacking in spades, Petit."

"Then why didn't he take you, huh?"

"Because I find ze whole idea to be Philistine and I do not care to have any part in it." The Frenchman haughtily stubbed out his cigarette and promptly faded from view.

"What the hell's a Philistine?!" Scout demanded of the empty air.

"He means it's improper to pay a woman for sexual services." Engineer, ever the voice of reason sighed more audibly than he meant to. Personally he felt very much as though Spy might be correct in the matter, though he didn't elaborate further on his opinion.

"Fuck that, man. He's the one sleeping with the enemy." Scout gave the retreating camper van a one-fingered salute for good measure and bounded back inside.

The indiscretion (at least as far as Scout was concerned) was all but forgotten when the two returned with seven of the prettiest women any of them had ever seen in their lives. Even Engineer had to admit that the talkative, feminine members of the fairer sex were a nice change from eight men and a person whom they'd never seen outside of a formless suit and speech garbling mask. Nonetheless, he found himself sidling up to Heavy and Medic, the two people he'd not expected to stay for the spectacle, but also the two he felt would not be distracted by so much female flesh. His curiosity overtook him at last.

"Didn't expect you and the Doc t'be stayin' for this kind of a thing."

Heavy laughed. "Is not so surprising! American girls is very pretty. Is...what is phrase? Nothing wrong with the looking?" He paused. "Besides. Is funny to watch Doktor with ladies!"

Engineer followed Heavy's gaze to where a giggling brunette, already stripped to a lacy garter, panties and brassiere was indeed preening for Medic. At first glance, the doctor seemed to be ogling her certainly prodigious breasts and toned waist, but Engineer could just make out the gleam in the doctor's eye that meant he was going far deeper than merely mentally undressing her.

His disquiet must have showed because Heavy thumped him on the back with a booming laugh. "Do not worry. Will not let pretty girls get hurt. Take Doktor back to lab soon!"

Heavy's prediction soon came true as one by one the RED team dispersed. Heavy and Medic first, Heavy keeping his promise of guiding Medic away alone, leaving the brunette girl (who evidently was unaware of how lucky she was) to sidle up to Scout instead. Scout was only too happy to pick up the slack and the two disappeared for more private quarters soon afterwards.

Sniper, a redhead and a woman who looked suspiciously like her soon departed for the loft while Soldier and a girl in an American-flag festooned mini-dress found their way into the war room, where muffled yells and distant helmet clanging were soon heard emanating from the depths.

The remaining three ladies followed the firestarter to do God knew what. To prevent himself from thinking about it too much, Engineer sat himself down and picked up a copy of the New York Times. Three weeks late, but that was life on the RED front for you. The soft news captured his interest for all of half a minute, when he realized one of his teammates hadn't been accounted for. His gaze flicked around and sure enough, Demo was lying on the couch. At first, Engineer thought he had passed out.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Demo, Don't DO that to a fella!" he protested to the wide, white eye with it's brown iris that swivelled lazily towards him. Demo seemed pleased by the outburst of a reaction.

"Soory." Demo slurred. "'ey. How come yeh ain't in there with the rest' o 'em?"

Engineer frowned. "Could ask the same of y'all. But I don't really believe in takin' advantage of a lady that way. That just ain't right."

Demo didn't bother to face Engineer. "Ach, I got me some whiskey dick."

Engineer raised an eyebrow that suggested he didn't buy it.

"Well, t'aint a lie proper Engie, but yeh have a point that tis ne mah thing. Tis a difference between what a man does in Vegas with his mate and what he does in polite society."

Engineer started, as if Demo had read his mind. Not that he'd ever been to Vegas, but he did have standards as to what went on around his team mates. Sniper may presume that professionalism had room for prostitutes, but whores didn't figure into Engineer's definition. He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

Demo laughed. "Yeh cannae tell me yeh ain't affected by all o' that tender flesh!"

Engineer saw no practical reason to deny it. "Yeh, been real tough on me since Irene, but them ladies is real purty."

"Heard yeh talkin' bout her." Demo nodded sagely, his Scrumpy-addled brain working a story about a wife, a sister or daughter with a terminal disease. He'd seen what the man had been like when he'd started wailing about Irene. What Demo never would find out was that 'Irene' was the very first level 3 sentry Engineer had built and rebuilt from his time at 2Fort, down to the point where he could only get enough scrap metal from its demise for a level one, and finally even not enough for that. The scrap metal was carefully stored in a box under his closet, and God Forbid Soldier ever check there.

"What 'bout you?" Engineer was evidently hoping to change the subject.

"Ach, like I say, bit of a combo of too drunk and not the right time and place for the ladies , yeh know? I cannae say I'm ne hard up though. Looks like yeh are too!"

Out of instinct, Engineer covered his crotch but he immediately wished he had not. It was that action of paying attention to it that stirred up the desire. Demo smirked from his supine position on the sofa.

Engineer, his cheeks burning started to rise to leave.

"Yeh dinnae have t' go yeh know. There's no shame in using the tools available. Thought a man like yerself would know that aye?"

Engineer flushed considerably in response. "I ain't...I ain't...."

Demo shook his head. "I ain't movin'."

Engineer felt rather foolish and he could feel his cheeks heat. In spite of this, he could not help but ask the obvious question. "Now how am I supposed to do this, if you're only going to sit there?"

Demo's only response was a flash of blinding white teeth in the haze of penumbra he was seated in. "I thought you solved practical problems. I ain't movin' and I got a sight more orifices than most."

>>23
You've got my attention, especially with the vague and horrible suggestions of what our lads are going to do to those poor girls. Seriously, Pyro, THREE of them? Wow. OK. Do give us MOAR.

<<24

I should not be as excited as I am to realize how much of an idea you just gave me.

>>23
Holy shit this is looking ten different levels of glorious. No, really, it's looking awesome and i can't wait to see how it continues (quite obviously) must... draw... it...
You are the best Anon ever!

>>23
"a sight more orifices than most." pfpfpfpf I lol'd. Eagerly anticipating more, this set-up was exquisite!

I humbly request cuntboy fic with penis-in-vagina sex. Anyone with anyone is okay.

Demo/Engineer Squick Fic - Part 2/2

(And I really am not sure what Pyro did with his three chicks, but if anyone wants to write a guess, I'd get a kick out of it.) I hope this delivers.

Engineer had to think about that one for a moment. Surely the man couldn't be seriously suggesting he put his penis in...was that even [i[sanitary[/i]?

Evidently Demo was thinking exactly that as he'd lifted up the eyepatch that normally covered his left eye. In the dim light of the room, the hole looked cavernous and black, but a warm wet hole was a warm wet hole, moreover one Engineer was being openly invited to use. That was not the problem.

"Ah, I don't exactly mean to sound like ahm braggin' here Demo, but I'm not sure that your er, socket there is built to accommodate my equipment. I dare say it don't stretch quite the same."

"Ye kin call it a cock, Engie." Demo poked around the edges of the spot where the eyeball would normally rest and probed just along the inside with three fingers. "I'd say it's big enough, wouldn't you?"

"Just ain't never done a thing like this before."

"How about ye drop trou and learn."

In response, Engineer quickly divested himself of his coveralls, standard issue RED shirt and boxers. Demo, apparently quite serious about minimal movement was also wriggling out of his own uniform, barely raising his hips off of the couch in order to get his pants off. The act of undressing did help to eliminate some of the strangeness of the impending act and he could already feel precum cooling on the head of his cock as it responded eagerly to the potential of being pleasured in the near-future.

"Fuckin' Hell, Engie!" Demo paused in his rustling to stare at Engineer's penis in awe. "Yeh sure yeh weren't braggin!?"

The shorter man modestly shrugged, going as red as his uniform for at least the umpteenth time that night. In the relative silence a bark of "MAGGOT!" and a particularly loud clang accompanied by a female moan could be heard echoing from the war room. Engineer straddled Demo's lower half and bent his head rather quickly.

"That's not where I told ye."

"I'm working up to it!" Engineer protested and Demo could feel two hands grip both sides of his hips for leverage. One was warm and calloused, the chill of the other caused Demo's hip to twitch while the metal warmed up on his heating flesh. "Besides, sure ain't right t'just satisfy myself!"

Demo tucked both hands behind his head and could feel a long shudder of anticipation start in the base of his spine and spread all the way to the top of his head and the soles of his feet as Engineer bent his head and brushed his lips and the softer, non-stubble coated skin of his upper cheek against the head of Demo's cock. The action had the desired effect almost immediately as the semi-hard member began to stiffen into an outright erection.

"Ach, that's good." From his vantage point, Demo had only a view of the top of Engineer's shaved head, but he wanted more. "Look up, would yeh?" his voice came out with only the barest, but audible hitch in it.

"This better?" The Texan's voice was muffled as his blue-eyed gaze turned upwards. "Shit." Demo muttered, getting the full picture for the first time: Engineer's lust-clouded eyes, the tip of his own erection visible pressed up against his stomach as he hunched low over Demo with the latter's cock in his mouth.

"Works better if yeh do what ye say yer gonna do, lad." the Scot gently admonished but Engineer did not need to be told twice, pressing the cock against the roof of his mouth and laving the underside all the way from base to tip with his tongue, pulling almost all the way out before taking him back in, his right hand moving away to gently fondle Demo's balls.

"Oh hell, oh hell, Engie, always thought yeh were crazy fer that thing!" Demo arched into the Gunslinger, trying to get more of the sensation of the ridged metal fingers against himself.

"Careful!" Engineer deftly manoeuvred the hand, wearing the same look of concentration he wore when upgrading his sentries. "She feels good no doubt, but if yer not real careful..."

With effort, Demo managed to still his impulse to buck his hips and Engineer returned to his task, gauging Demo's reaction and massaging his balls for as long as he felt it was safe to do so, taking his hand away when the Scot was no longer able to control his reactions, jerking and thrusting into Engineer's mouth and panting erratically.

"Ach, I'm going to--"

Demo came violently into Engineer's mouth with an uninteligible moan, the tremors making the Texan's teeth vibrate. Engineer pulled away, rifling through his coveralls pockets for a rag to discreetly spit the semen into.

"Where'd yeh learn to do it like that?" When Demo had caught his breath again, he was gazing at his shorter team mate as if seeing him properly for the first time.

"Ain't no thing, I just do what I think I'd probably like."

"Thing with the gunslinger there was genius!" Demo shook his head. "Yeh planned fer it when yeh made it, didn't yeh? Never expected ye t'have this kind o' a side to ye!"

Engineer's silence was answer affirmative enough, though his partner soon realized that could possibly have something more to do with the fact that his erection had long gone unattended and looked painful.

"Now, do ye reckon yeh might see yer way up to working closer to me face?"

Engineer gave a crisp nod, neatly folding up the handkerchief and noticing that in light of his affirmative reaction, Demo was starting to get hard again.

"Y'all really go for this kind of a thing?" he asked, perhaps just to be a hundred percent sure he was understanding things correctly.

Demo nodded, struggling back up onto his elbows. "Sit." he commanded, swinging down his knees from the couch. "Was ne going to move, but I think yer performance back there deserves a bit of a reward."

Engineer could see the logic, not more than a little relieved that he wouldn't be sitting on someone's face. He arranged himself on the couch, looking for all the world like he intended to settle in for a casual night of watching television. Demo dropped to his knees, but instead of using his mouth, Engineer felt the edges of something which as he had predicted felt way tighter than it ought to be.

Demo gave a soft grunt and somehow against every logical synapse in his brain, Engineer could feel his cock slide into the hole, the sides of it clutching around him tight and warm. The Texan had never been so glad not to be Medic as he couldn't imagine what exactly a man's skull could produce that made those glorious slick sensations or the soft squooshing sound as Demo began - oh God, to move.

One of the man's arms snaked around Engineer's back to facilitate the thrusting motions he was making with his head, and both of Engineer's hands landed on the top of the skull cap that Demo had not taken off. He could feel the man's coarse hair and rapidly building body heat through the flimsy fabric.

Demo's spare hand, presently resting on Engineer's knee moved to grope around, not in his own clothing but in Engineer's, taking out a case of Vaseline gel he knew the other man usually kept around for temporarily waterproofing small cracks in his sentries and dispensers, but it served a much more interesting purpose now. With both hands wrapped around Engineer's hips, the thrusting increased in pace temporarily, both men making low moans as their capacity for speech dwindled.

The lubricated hand drifted lower, leaving a slightly cold trail as it moved to the cleft of his ass, working its way under and inside.

Engineer actually growled and Demo twisted the finger, suddenly very interested in wringing that same noise out of his normally calm and polite team mate.

He was rewarded with another throaty noise that approximated a growl and the fact that Engineer had began to thrust his hips in time with the movements of Demo's own head, the soft underside of his own cock rubbing hard against the ridge of the socket, the bone creating delicious friction on the underside of his cock. Demo removed the finger again, once more taking Engineer with both arms around his hips. He could feel the man's dick pressing deliciously somewhere in the back of his own skull and feel the short jerky thrusts that meant Engineer was close to coming.

"I'm close! I'm going to come!" Engineer's voice rang out above him and the Texan made a Herculean effort to pull out and away before he came into Demo's head. The Scot however, being in a significant amount of further control hung on and Engineer remained buried in that tight hot heat as a burst of warmth deep inside Demo's head coupled with the low moan and Engineer's muscles tightening and shuddering before going limp told him exactly what had happened.

"Ahm awful...sorry!" Engineer gasped out, looking somehow both sated and horrified, shifting back against the couch and bending down to inspect the damage done to Demo's head. "Oh, dagnabbit, yer bleedin'!"

Demo chuckled at Engineer's disquiet. "Well yeh did just fuck me in me head, but I don't think me brains are any more addled than they usually are." he laughed, watching as Engineer cleaned himself up with his handkerchief. He got up and moved over to the nearby laundry sink, cleaning his eye out and inspecting the damage. "No harm done!" he pulled out his eyepatch and slipped it on, tugging on the remainder of his clothes and following the arc of Engineer's now thoroughly soiled hanky as it landed square in the laundry tub. As if to proove his point, he crashed on the couch next to Engineer and reached around to the opposite side of the couch where his bottle of Scrumpy had been carefully tucked away during their activities. He offered it to Engineer who courteously neglected to wipe the mouth of the bottle off with his hand before taking a drink.

For a moment they just sat there, passing the bottle back and forth between them and enjoying the afterglow.

"Yeh know." Engineer said at long last. "I sure wouldn't be too upset if we tried that again sometime!"

Demo grinned and was about to respond when a loud crash had both men sitting bolt upright. It was only with a considerable amount of fumbling and the fact that the gunslinger had one hell of a grip that Engineer didn't drop the bottle on the floor in shock.

"BLOODY WANKER, PISS THE FUCK OFF BEFORE I RIP IT OFF AND BEAT YOU T'DEATH WITH IT!"

A familiar snorting laugh and the sound of high-speed footsteps with no body attached to them came louder and louder before fading away. They were followed by a rather irate looking Australian in a state of dishabille and a very dazed looking redhead who stumbled from the room, her hair in a mess and clumsily smoking a familiar brand of thin white cigarette. She unashamedly crashed into the chair nearest Engineer, the only thing separating her modesty from the other two men was a thin blanket clutched around her torso.

Wordlessly, Engineer handed over the bottle of Scrumpy.

Presumably, the ladies who had stayed with Soldier and Scout left the next morning, but both Americans showed up to breakfast, the former with several welts and new dings in his helmet and the later with at least eight prodigious hickies standing out obviously red on his neck and collarbone. He was conspicuously shirtless in spite of the temperature and the look that he gave Spy was particularly significant.

"Yeah? Gettin' a good look? So whose the virgin now, fag?"

Engineer wasn't surprised that tales of the prank on Sniper had already filtered down through the ranks. Gossip spread like wildfire across the base. Spy apparently had overheard some of the BLU's taking a tip from their enemy and following suit with their own trip into town.

No one did ever find out precisely what Pyro and their harem had done during the night but in the weeks to come, all three ladies were spotted somewhere around Grainery to the point where Scout had started a popular betting pool as to what it was they were doing all night.

In all the excitement, everyone seemed to have forgotten that Engineer and Demo had been absent from the proceedings. It wasn't until a half day later, when Medic decided to check them all for STD's. After all, these were women who had decided to have sex with them for money. Demo and Engineer dutifully both showed up along with the rest of the team.

Engineer was one of the few mercenaries who generally didn't find Medic to be particularly creepy, but perhaps because he made his own means of medical attention on the battlefield he didn't deal with him as much as the others did. Perhaps it was the fact that the doctor, like himself had a PhD and communicated on his own level. Today however, the man was scrutinizing him like he was an open cadaver. Engineer didn't like it one bit.

"Geez Doc, what is it? Have I got gangrene on my face?"

"I vas vonderking." Medic turned to face him slowly, eyes glittering behind his glasses. "If you knew vhat sorts of delightful fluids are in an eyesocket."

Engineer's mouth fell open as he realized, along with the feeling of ice water that was beginning to start in his stomach that Demo had been in here for a check up just before him.

"It is truly an interesting experience zhat you must have had, and surely an educated man like yourself would vant to know just what you--"

Engineer fled.

>>28

I might be able to write something like that, if my schedule is not so busy. Funny, since I have been thinking about that kind of fic for awhile.

>>29

You know, Anon, i love you. I really do. Please, namefag and stay with me forever. Erm, i mean, in the chan. Please!
I really liked the first part and quite obviously i REALLY like this one. I really like the way you write and the actual sexual part in this was really, really hot and inspiring. Thank you for writing it! :)

i really wish i could word what i'm feeling a little better, but it would be easier only with the help of a million happy reaction images.

More "and Yous" please. Just, in general.

>>31

Can Anon be loved and remain anon? I really would prefer not to namefag.

I'm so glad you are happy with the finished product Eva. Most important thing in filling a request is that the person you wrote it for is happy!

>>33

i request more. you're so good at what you do.

This post has been deleted.

You, kind Anon, have made my day. This must be the best thing I've read all day, well done.

I now have new Canon Pairing. I request more, but a small citrus twist of Solly shenanigans.

I request a threesome between Scout, Spy and Scout's Ma in which Scout loses his virginity to Spy and his Ma AT THE SAME TIME.

>>37

Yes please. I would like to see this too.

>>2
and
>>4
combined?

I feel like trying my hand at writing some guro. Might be interesting to include a transition from woundfucking to corpsefucking.

>>39

Dear god, yes. Please write this. I love guro and am lonely as the lone guro-writing faggot. Hit me up if you want anatomical consultation and/or evil ideas.

Fantasic, you may well have got a second guro writer in here.

I should be ok on both aspects, I'm a biology and psychology student, but might be nice if you proofread.

>>20

I second this!

Okay, so. For awhile there, we had a couple requests threads going on, but now the other one has auto-saged, so I'm resurrecting this one. The last request on the old one was:

I know this is really old, but I have a request. I request a Female-class (any one), raping a male-class (preferably a Sniper). This prompt is sort of based off of a misreading of one of Cat Bountry's comments and that there seems to be a lot of stories with the classes raping each other or Female classes, but I haven't seen the reverse.
I saw this, and felt a Calling.
-----------------------------------------------------------
SEXY RAPE FIC

“You’re late, Mr Mundy,” the Administrator snapped as the Sniper sloped in.

“Sorry,” he shrugged, clearly not meaning it in the slightest.

“You should be, as we are here to discuss the terms of your contract.”

“Wot’s to discuss?” the Sniper cocked an eyebrow. “Five mil a year and I shoot every bugger out there.”

“Plus other duties as assigned.” The Administrator flicked her cigarette to the concrete floor and crushed it out under her stiletto heel. “I’m assigning you another duty.” She unbuttoned her suit jacket, showing a sharp collarbone and fleshless sternum.

“Oh, fer the love of-” the Sniper tried to keep a professional lid on his revulsion. “Sorry, but no.”

“Are you refusing me?”

“Yes, yes I am. I’m not a gigolo, I’m an assassin.”

“You are what I say you are,” the harpy retorted. “Right now, I say you’re passion’s plaything.”

“No, definitely not.” The Sniper tore the badge off of his sleeve. “You can take your five mil and put it where the sun don’t shine.”

“Oh dear.” The Administrator paused in removing her blouse, revealing a glimpse of a cruelly pointed conical brassiere. “What would your parents think of you? An unemployed assassin is just a crazed gunman. Tsk, tsk tsk,” she said with mocking pity. “Your poor mother.”

“Don’t you threaten my parents.” The Sniper’s eyes flashed wild blue over the rims of his shades.

“I’m shocked that you would even suspect such a thing.” The Administrator pressed a spidery hand to where her heart might once have been. “I would never hurt your dear, dear mother. I feel a feminine kinship,” she sneered, “and just want her to feel that her little boy is doing a job he enjoys.” She flicked open a folder and shoved a photograph across the desk toward him. The Polaroid showed the Sniper, his face contorted in an ecstatic rage as he hacked open a Spy’s skull like a cocoanut that happened to be full of brains.

“Don’t!” The Sniper sagged. “Don’t send it to her. I’ll throw yer a shag.” Head hung low, he reluctantly unbuckled his belt. He’d done worse things, many of them in New Zealand.

“You misunderstand, Mr Mundy.” The Administrator stepped out of her skirt, revealing a formidable black latex panty-girdle. “I am going to ‘shag’ you.” Opening her desk drawer, the terrifying woman pulled out an immense aubergine dildo, surrounded by the belts and buckles of a strap-on harness. “Assume the position.”

The Sniper blanched. He’d never been reduced to this, not even in Bombay. But his glance fell to the desk, landed on the picture of himself looking every inch the psychopath. He didn’t want to imagine the look on his white-haired mother’s sweet, round face as she noticed that his tongue was extended toward the blood spatter on his cheek. He turned his back on the Administrator and dropped trou.

“Yesss...” she hissed, running her skeletal hands over his flat, milk-pale ass. “Bend over the desk.” He heard buckles clinking behind him and leaned down, nose uncomfortably close to the overflowing ashtray.

He could make this work. The smell of cigarettes, bony hands on him, he could close his eyes and imagine that he was finally having it off with the Spy. He could-

But then something cold and slick drizzled on his ass and the gorgon behind him moaned and something happened that felt like the largest dump he’d ever taken only in reverse, and he couldn’t think of anything else. He was nauseated, a sensation compounded of the burning ache in his ass and the shame in his heart. He grit his teeth and gripped the edge of the desk, wishing he’d become an orthodontist like his father wanted.

After an interminable fifteen minutes of squidging and santorum, the Administrator shrieked “VICTORY!” and thrust deep inside him one final time. She pulled out, and he could tell that he was bleeding, a ghastly mess between his legs. He stayed bent over the desk, trying to hide the fact that the ordeal had forced tears from his eyes. He heard the woman light a cigarette behind him.

“Here. Now pull up your pants and get out.” A scrap of fabric landed on the desk next to him.

“Wot’s this?”

“A hat, Mr Mundy. That’s what you people like, isn’t it?” she sneered.

Leaving the hat where it was, the Sniper jerked his pants up and hobbled bowlegged back to his van. He promised himself a long, long hot bath at the nearest motel off base.

Meanwhile, the Administrator sat down in her high-backed leather chair and looked meditatively down at the filthy, greasy dildo, still strapped to her crotch. She pressed the intercom button on her phone and said, “Ms Pauling? Send in Saxton Hale to lick this clean.”

The words...fail me.

God
Fuck

Damnit Marty.

"not even in Bombay"

I don't know why, but this made me laugh so fucking hard. Could not stop laughing at the hat thing, though. Kudos, Marty. Another gem.

>>43

I'm the requester, and this is way better than I could ever have imagined something based off of my request could be. Seriously, this one of the best things I've read on here. Thanks, Marty!

Marty, that was terrible and amazing, as your stories always are.

Might be a little late to the party, but Anon #23... http://www.ubersite.com/m/39845 Just that link. It'll probably make you laugh.

Marty, I was so aroused by that fic that I came blood. The Administrator is so underrated.

>>43 Marty. Everytime... every fucking single time. You did it again! I feel shame that i like this so much, but i still want more. Especially the part where he ripped of his badge made my heart bleed. This are the little details which gets me everytime.

I would totally love it if someone would include someone getting a hot curling iron up their ass as either torture or revenge or something.

>>51

You with the curling iron again, lol. Why don't you just write it?

Oh goody, a request thread.
I have had a terrible craving lately for some Sniper/Pyro.
But writers be warned, I am very picky about my Pyros. I'd prefer that when Pyro has sex, he only does what is necisary in clothing removal. (Meaning he probably only unzips the front of his suit and just barely lifts his mask above his mouth.)
Other than that, I grant full creative control! Extra points for anything kinky, thanks!

>>52 Because I'm trying to write something else, but almost failing miserably at it. ... wait... actually, I probably can incorporate it into the story somehow... it would just be a lot more awesome if someone else wrote it.

Please, something about the fact that Soldier just calls medic Sweetheart now and ever in TF2. I dunno. Maybe Heavy having some jealoussex with medic after he hears that. Or a threesome. Or anythings. Just based on this. Go wild.

I want a Saxton Hale/Charles Darling fic. I don't care how it's written I just want to read it. In case you don't know who Charles Darling is, he is in one of the Saxton Hale comics on Valves website.

Ya know what i thought would be interesting or funny? If one of the mdics went out in the battle and in his syringe gun is a more "spiced" mix of drugs.

>>57
That does sound funny. What did you have in mind?

“Curling Irons are for Wimps!”


Soldier made no attempt to hide his disapproval of Medic’s “alternative lifestyle choices”. If the burly psychopath went a single day without screaming something inane at Medic like, “KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BATTLE FIELD INSTEAD OF MY ASS, FAGGOT!” or “DID THEY NOT TEACH YOU HOW TO DUCK IN NAZI SAUSAGE FACTORY, FRITZ?!” Medic would be forced to assume the man was gravely ill and would have him carted to the infirmary immediately.

Medic tried his best not to take it personally; it didn’t take much to figure out that the man was psychotically disturbed in many different ways. But a man’s patience only lasts so long.

This was the absolute last straw.

Medic was already in a bad mood – his “date” (read: a Danish male prostitute that could do things with a mascara brush that would make your head spin) had cancelled on him without warning the night before, at the call of a higher bidder. Scout had been in charge of laundry that week, and had ignored Medic’s strict cleaning regiment, so now Medic’s pants seemed to fit several sizes too small, and were scratchy and irritable to his sensitive skin, to boot.

The German doctor spent half the morning looking for his spectacles, only to find that he’d drifted asleep with them on, and they were now bent horrendously out of shape on his pillow.

And to make it even worse, he was having a bad hair day. As he fought and fussed and cursed under his breath in front of the mirror, trying to get his hair back under control before the mission started, his door suddenly burst open.

“MAGGOT, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET DONE PUTTING ON YOUR HIGH HEELS AND FISHNETS AND REPORT FOR BREAKFAST?!”
“Vun second, bitte schön!” the man snapped back, trying to get his hair to curl exactly as he wanted.

Soldier gaped, tilting up his oversized helmet to get a better look. “… MY LORD!” An incredulous cackle. “YOU’RE EVEN MORE OF A FAGGOT THAN I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT! WELL DONE!”

Medic huffed, turning to face him. “I fail to see how zhis emasculates me, Herr Soldier. Curling tongs have been used for centuries to denote status und—”
“ONLY PRISSY LITTLE GIRLS THAT LIKE PAINTING THEIR FINGERNAILS AND HAVING TEA PARTIES WITH DOLLIES CURL THEIR HAIR! YOU WANT TO BE A REAL MAN?! GET A HAIR-CUT, HIPPIE!” He slammed the door behind him, still cackling like a mad man.

If that had been all, Medic told himself, maybe it wouldn’t have come to this. But Soldier went off and told the entire team about it, and for the entire day, he had to suffer thinly veiled taunts from his own team, such as, “Get behind me, Doktor! Puny BLU team vill not touch hair on your head!” and, “Uh-oh, Doc! Watch out fuh dat Pyro ovah dere – I hear heat causes split ends!”

For someone as paranoid as Soldier, Medic thought he’d be more suspicious about his food and making sure it wasn’t poisoned. But when he’d shown up in front of Soldier’s room with a box of ribs in hand and a generally unconvincing friendly smile, Soldier had taken it without question.

It was now half an hour later. Medic dragged Soldier’s unconscious body through the halls by the foot, eyes gleaming.

If only it hadn’t have come to this.

-----------------------------------------------

The first thing Soldier became aware of was the horrible aftertaste in his mouth. The next thing was that his limbs felt like lead weights. Next, that he was freezing. Then, that he was freezing because he was stark naked. And lastly, that his limbs felt like lead weights partially because he was strapped down to a table like a lab experiment.

“What in the Sons of Liberty…” Soldier strained to look around, but he was strapped belly-down, and couldn’t see much of his surroundings without straining.
“Ah,” a voice sounded from behind him. “You are avake.”
“… Medic?”

Suddenly, Soldier became aware that he was bottom-up in front of a very-homosexual man and had no way of defending himself against the sexual onslaught he was sure was bound to happen.

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, PRIVATE?!” he bellowed seconds after this realization. “YOU WILL RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT, DO YOU HEAR ME?! I AM A MARRIED MAN WITH A WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN! HER NAME IS LADY LIBERTY AND OUR CHILDREN ARE FREEDOM AND JUSTICE!!!”

Medic stopped him before he could continue on another ridiculous rant. “Ja, ja. Do not vorry, Herr Soldier. I haff no interest in sexually assaulting you—”
“DOUBT IT.”
“Nein, I assure you. My intentions are pure. I don’t vant much out of you – in fact, my demands are quite zimple.” Medic strutted over so that he was in Soldier’s full view, and gave a predatory grin. “Vould you like to know vat it is?”
“NEGATORY. I DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS. OR PIRATES. OR BUTT-PIRATES. LIKE YOU.”
“I’ll tell you anyvay.”

Medic strolled away, out of Soldier’s line of vision. “All I vant, Herr Soldier, is a zimple apology. Das ist alles.”
“AN APOLOGY?! WHY DON’T YOU ASK ME TO RIP MY OWN TESTICLES OFF WHY YOU’RE AT IT?! I AM AMERICAN!!! AMERICANS DON’T APOLOGIZE! YOU WANT AN APOLOGY?! GO TO CANADA! THAT’S A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A COUNTRY IF I EVER SAW ONE!”
A chuckle. “Very well, Herr Soldier. You have until the metal gets hot to change your mind.”

Soldier paused. “WHAT IN SAM’S HILL DOES THAT MEAN?!”
Medic didn’t answer him. Had he left? It was so dark – he could barely see… “GET BACK HERE AND TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS! AND UNTIE ME, TOO!”

More silence. “I SWEAR ON THE STARS AND STRIPES THAT YOU ARE DEAD WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU DAMN NAZI BASTARD! YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!”

Medic watched from the far side of his laboratory, checking the temperature his electric curling iron every few seconds. Not surprisingly, Soldier spent the entire time he COULD have been making amends screaming himself hoarse. Medic gave him ten minutes to be sure, but all Soldier would talk about was not having to apologize for being a man who fought for freedom or… some nonsense.

The German doctor sighed and stood, unplugging the curling iron and approaching Soldier once more. “Time is up. Haff you thought about vhat you’ve done at all?”
“ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW I SHOULD HAVE BEATEN THE FAGGOTRY OUT OF YOUR DAMNED NAZI BODY SOONER, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR FLESH.”
“Very vell. I haff made zee best attempt at reaching you as I could.”
“YOU CANNOT REACH—”

The rest of Soldier’s enthusiastic response would never be known. Medic cut the man off by shoving the burning-hot iron up Soldier’s ass to the very hilt without so much as a warning.

There was a caustic hissing noise as the walls of Soldier’s rectum bubbled and blistered, finally shriveling up until nothing was left but a black scab cocooning the metal.

Soldier shrieked and thrashed about in his restraints, but Medic grunted and continued pressing it deeper into him. “You VILL apologize, Soldier!” he snapped, holding the man as still as he could. “I vill NOT be made a fool of!”
“OKAY!!!” Soldier screamed. “OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!!! I’M SORRY, MEDIC! I SWEAR I WILL NEVER SAY ANYTHING INSULTING TO YOU EVER AGAIN!!!”

Medic grinned and yanked the burning hot metal out of Soldier, taking with it chunks of flesh and blood. Soldier howled again, but was quickly relieved from his pain by the soothing feel of the Medigun. It filled all the holes the chunks of flesh had left and repaired his rectum in full, all without a scratch to be seen.

Soldier wasn’t in any physical pain anymore, but he was shaking and whimpering, even as Medic undid his restraints. He’d broken out into a cold sweat, and his teeth were chattering. His cheeks were streaked with tears.
Medic just smiled, helped him stand up (he’d still be sore for a few days), returned his clothes, and draped a fluffy RED blanket around the man’s shoulders.

“I hope ve vill not haff to do zhis again, Herr Soldier.”
“N-N-No, D-Doc…”
“Gut. Show yourself out.”

The German doctor never brought it up again, but it was days before anyone could convince Soldier to come out of bed, and weeks more before he would even say Medic’s name.

When anyone asked Medic about what was going on, he’d just smile and say, “Da spielt er mit dem Feuer.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The name of this fandom should be, "Let no fetish go unfapped". HERE YOU GO, YOU CRAZY BASTARD. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Usually, I'd go Anon for putting something like this up, but... eh. I have no shame anymore.

Also, proofreading is for ladies and women.

To Canadians everywhere: I'm sorry.

59
You wrote it. You actually wrote it and it makes some kind of twisted sense.

I am both horrified and amazed... but mostly horrified. Don't ever stop writing and posting here please.

>>59

Soldier getting curlingironed up the butt.

... Excuse me while I look for my jaw, it dropped here somewhere ...

Rae: Yeah, it randomly popped up in my head, and I was all, "That poor person is probably going to go fap-less forever unless I just... do it." So I did. Other than my shaky transitions (needs wooork), I think it's pretty okay. ...Yeh.

PerryJ: Thanks! I think!

>>59 I'm Canadian, and I ain't even mad. Laughed my ass off. Winced and flailed quite a bit around the 'bubbling rectum' bit. That's how real it felt to me. You're really good at making me feel like I had a curling iron shoved up MY ass.
...I don't know if that's a good thing, but it seems like it to me. Kudos.

> 58 well, i believe this thought was born as i read again a good fanfiction involving seI AM A FAGGOT HUMP MY RUMPrugs. But not the "Uh i want ya now, sugar" but the more "Ow, ow, ow IT HURTS SO MUCH" kind. I just thought, yes. Why shouldn´t medic once run out with his syringe gun full of drugs? Why does we everytime see him experiment in his room with them? He is a man of SCIENCE! He surely as heck would want to made some test results under different circumstates. And than my thought went to things like: How many syringe could soldier take until he cracks and tries to get the rocket in the launcher? Or heavy? Oh scout surely just needs one needle... Would even a opposite teammeber stupidly hump someone he hates, if he gets enough of them?
Would medic "accidently" shot one of his comrades with the needles just to see what happens? And, and, and...

This or just a big kumbajaparty suddendly in the fight, because everyone is all peace and no war during medics drugadventure, if someone doesn´t want to take the whole seI AM A FAGGOT HUMP MY RUMPrug drive.

I´m sorry if i wrote to much now.

Iz: That's good - I have lots of friends that are Canadian, watch an online show that's run in Vancouver, and just have tons of respect for Canada in general. But Soldier strikes me as the type that thinks Canada is just a maple-guzzling, tree-chopping, bear-humping, peace-negotiating version of America and doesn't approve. But that's Soldier. Whatcha gonna do.

Karnickle: Welp, that's it. I'm officially interested. No promises yet, but I've started mulling over ideas, which is usually the warning sign before I begin my decent into madness. God DAMN this fandom and it's beautiful, beautiful ideas. But if I can write curling-iron erotica, I can most certainly write this.

I debated this before as to what drugs medic could use in battle. My friends and I came up with an aphrodisiac, LSD, or Estrogen.

Nothing to stop me from trying to utilize all three. Though Medic would probably do them separately so that he wouldn't muddle the test results.

I'm much more unsure about this start than I was for the curling iron one, so I'll just slap up what I have after a day of staring at a blank Word Document, and spend more time thinking about how I want things to play out. Since the first few paragraphs usually sets the tone for the rest of the story, I guess I'm going for lulzy on this one.

Also, huge points to whoever gets the reference of who this Medic was inspired by. Hint: It has something to do... WITH SCIENCE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pleasure Plague

None of the BLU team could hear the shrill, gleeful laughter echoing from the laboratory under the team’s headquarters. It was late, and they’d had a busy week. The war was basically at a standstill for the barren land of Dustbowl.

Things had been surprisingly uneventful for Dr. Professor Doctor, he mused to himself. It’d mostly been hiding behind a dispenser, healing anyone who came by, and hoping to build an Über before the rain of stickies showered upon the poor sentry.

All that time just sitting around and waiting for something to happen gave a Dr. Professor Doctor a lot of time to do something that he shouldn’t have been doing – no, something he’d been given express orders NOT to do.

He began thinking.

“Zee fools…” the goggled maniac giggled, swirling his serum around in his gloved hand. “Zee absence of thought does not stop zee progression of SCIENCE!”

The man threw back his head, and let loose another unrestrained cackled, marveling at his own genius. He’d been wanting to do this for weeks, now – to test the effects of various drugs on his fellow combatants while they were on the field. He could barely contain his excitement! How lucky that younger Medic of his was always busy doing… Whatever he always did. It gave Dr. Professor the much-needed time to work on perfecting his majesty.

He loaded his syringe gun, grinning, after having filled all of the needles with his special serum. He’d have to make sure not to waste a single dart.

Tomorrow, the testing would begin. He had to sedate himself in order to sleep that night because of his anticipation.

>>59 OH. MY. GOD. YOU, SIR, MADE MY DAY. I honestly didn't think that anyone would write it, but by god this is beautiful. I am forever in your debt, and really sad that I didn't see this sooner.

>>68 I know it. Even if i never saw a show of it. I´m already in your debt Two Refined.

Will there be an update?

>>69 I was worried you wouldn't see it! I'm glad you liked - it was unusual, but once I got a direction of where to go, it became tones of fun to write. I figured I'd do something nice for you since you support my stupid torture fic in which I had to deny you your humble request, BUT I LOOK OUT FOR MAH BROS. Love ya, bitch.

>>70 You have no idea how happy that makes me. I'll try my best not to let you down!

>>71 Yes, there will! Eventually. I've been writing avidly for almost 5 years now, and I've been glued to a computer for 7, and have played videogames since I was old enough to hold a PlayStation (or maybe I started out with a Genesis?) controller.
So, yeah. I got carpal tunnel. Bad. And while I love how unusually productive I've been this summer, it's really taken a toll on me, and I can't type for more than 30 minutes at a time without seizing up. I'll try my damn hardest to find SOME way to deliver you guys some porny lulz, but for now, I gotta take a huge break of fail and awful.

I'd really love something - anything with EngineerxSniper.
Bit of an odd pairing I know but still, it's a real shame that it doesn't come up often enough.

>>73 Can I add a kink to this mix?

I'd love to see some Engie getting off to some really kinky shit with Sniper. Bondage, humiliation, orgasm denial (but eventual orgasm for Sniper, please.), but no guro, please. Not a fan. A little whipping or spanking is fine, though.
And I'd love to see either Sniper utterly humiliated and threaten to do very creatively painful things to Engie, or fucking love every second of it. Dealer's choice.

68 Doctor Insano, by any chance?
if so... then, god, I love you.

>>59 ...one word... ow.

So remember that thing I told you about my carpal tunnel? TOTALLY STILL TRUE! THIS WAS EXCRUCIATING TO WRITE. BUT I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT BECAUSE I AM A TOTAL FAGGET FOR YOU GUYS.

>>53 :
>>73 :
>>74 :
I'm on it! (As best as I can - idk. I'll try not to screw up your requests.)

> 75 : YES, IT IS. If you guys don't know who Doctor Insano is, LOOK HIM UP, because... I don't know, you just should, so there.

>>76 : Yup.

FORWARD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Engineer wiped his brow, looking about the sun-baked red clay that was being kicked up as explosions rocked Dustbowl to its very core. The teams were at yet another standstill – well, not a standstill, exactly – BLU had finally captured that damned control point building, but progress to capture the second control point had been slow, to say the least.

A groan warbled in the short man’s throat as he wiped his sweat-soaked brow with his gloved hand and peered up at the unforgiving noon sun. He’d built a sentry and a dispenser just inside of the control point building, and had a teleporter operating from the maintenance building just a little ways off, since it would save his team precious seconds to storm through RED’s unshakable defenses. Pyro was with him, as always, humming a muffled little tune from behind his gas mask. Sniper was with him as well, observing the double exits in case a Heavy came barreling through. They’d been stationed there for an hour at the very least, and, needless to say, they were getting antsy.

“Doesn’t get no better than this, huh, fellas?” Engineer sighed, giving the two an exhausted, yet ruthlessly good-natured smile.
“Mrrrmphrr hrrrnn mmmph…” Pyro muttered, setting fire to an innocent butterfly that’d made the mistake of straying too close.
“Gotta say I agree wit’ Mumbles, Engie,” Sniper said gruffly as he took a swig from a bottle of water distributed by the dispenser. “Ain’t nothin’ good about it to talk about.”
“Just tryin’ t’make some conversation…” Engineer muttered, sparing a whack for his beeping baby.

Sniper sighed, removing his hat and wiping his brow as well. “Ah, don’t read much innit, mate. Just startin’ to wish somethin’d bloody happen.”
“Ah, shoot – no hard feelin’s, pardner. Cain’t say I don’t feel th’same. But the Docs are buildin’ up a charge, so no worries – somethin’ll happen eventually.”
“Should bloody hope so…” Sniper muttered with a snort.
Pyro mumbled his agreement.

As if on cue, one of the BLU Heavies dashed out of the maintenance building with a trail of sparks flying behind him. He was singing heartily with Sasha by his side. “HERE I COME, COWARDS!!!” Doc – the older one with the goggles that didn’t do anything – was trailing behind him, Medigun in hand. The barrel was cracking – they were going to go in with a full charge! Finally!

The crew on the control point building whooped with excitement, making the Medic falter. He said something to his burly counterpart, and scampered back to them, scrutinizing them all carefully. Sniper blinked. “Uh—”

And, suddenly, there was a rain of darts. The tiny group screamed and tried to shield themselves, cursing at the doc. He managed to unload an entire round and was reloading when Sniper finally fired off into the distance to bring him to attention.

“Th’bloo’y ‘hell was THAT for?!” he snapped, teeth bared like a feral animal.
The Heavy was watching this all from where Medic had left him, looking on curiously.
Medic paused, and adjusted his goggles with a grin. “Ah, my mistake, ja? I vas zhinking I had seen a Schpy.”
“Hrrrmphrrr nghrrrrm nhhmmmrrrhhmmm!” Pyro cried indignantly.
Engineer gave an uncomfortable smile. “Eh… What Pyro means is… Thanks for yer concern n’ everything, but… He’s got it covered.”
“Oh, yes, of course.” Medic fought to stop grinning – he was supposed to look sincere. “Sorry, Pyro.”
A mutter and Pyro busied himself with burning his emblem in the floorboards.
Medic and his Heavy left.

It wasn’t long before the battle began heating up again. BLU’s Über had failed, and it wasn’t long before RED retaliated with an Über of their own. Engineer found himself crouched down behind his sentry, hammering away at it with Sniper behind him, trying to keep any Heavies away, and Pyro constantly spy-checking.

For whatever reason, though, Engineer couldn’t focus. Maybe it was the heat. Yeah, it was most definitely the heat. For some reason, he couldn’t stop thinking about how loud Sniper’s breathing sounded beside his ear – how close he was – the tingle of every slight breeze produced when Sniper shifted his stance or reloaded a bullet.

Focus.

He couldn’t focus. The wrench clutched in his sweaty, grimy hand felt like it weighed a ton. His fingers itched for something else. He couldn’t move.

Sniper felt himself becoming unprofessionally distracted, as well. Why was everything so hot suddenly? He leaned on the dispenser, panting and fanning himself with his hat. God, his clothes felt like they’d shrunk several sizes. It was constricting him tighter than a boa. He was so hot. He wanted – needed – air. God, that dispenser felt good. A lot of things felt good now.

“Mrrrhhhrrrrrffrrckrrrr…” Pyro mumbled softly, tugging at his collar. Spy checking suddenly just made him so tired. Not to mention he hadn’t run into one for half an hour. His thoughts began to wander, and he noticed that Engineer was no longer repairing his sentry, and Sniper wasn’t shooting anyone. And they both looked how he felt.

Engineer blinked and glanced behind him. For whatever reason his and Sniper’s eyes met, then the two glanced up at Pyro.

“I… I don’t suppose you blokes are thinkin’ what I’m—”

The two immediately fell upon Sniper, Engineer ripping off his shirt and vest as Pyro began yanking off his pants.

>>77WHY U STOP? Why?

Please tell me there will be more. Fuck my Sniper-Engie request- a threesome trumps that any day.
And there's not nearly enough Pyrosmut out there.

GAH. I forgot to add onto the end.

I wanted to finish the scene, but my wrist was becoming unbearable, so I had to call it quits for now. But I'll get back to it as soon as possible - promise.

And I figured I'd combine the requests into one because... well, I'm kind of an opportunist. Glad you approve, tho.

ilikewherethisisgoing.jpeg

My only critique is that I feel like there are a couple of sentences that could use some rewriting.

>"And, suddenly, there was a rain of darts." I don't know if you've heard this one before, but it's often considered improper to start a sentence with 'and' or 'but'. This is mostly because conjunctions are used mainly to connect two clauses-- placing them at the beginning of a sentence feels somewhat awkward and out-of-place.

Your dialogue and accent-writing is rather awkward as well, but I hesitate to criticize that because it's just plain hard to write dialogue. I was reading Stephen King's memoir the other day and he commented that he absolutely agonizes over his dialogue. People's preferences for accent-writing varies as well, especially on this chan, from the comments I've read, but I will make a few suggestions:
>"Th’bloo’y ‘hell was THAT for?!” he snapped, teeth bared like a feral animal. The Heavy was watching this all from where Medic had left him, looking on curiously. Really, Aussies don't drop that many letters when they're saying "the bloody hell". At the most, they might drop the 'h' in "hell". The capitalization of 'that' is also somewhat unnecessary: we already know he's being emphatic with his words because he's swearing, so we really don't need another emphasis on a single word. If you have to, italicize it-- it reads better. Last but not least, don't make the Heavy's description a new paragraph-- that makes it look even more awkwardly placed than it was to begin with. That's a formatting issue though, and is tricky to get right on a chan.

>The tiny group screamed and tried to shield themselves, cursing at the doc. "Doc" is slang. Try not to use that in description unless you're writing it from the point of view of a character. Save it for when someone is speaking.

Feel free to take this advice or leave it. I know I haven't written a lot for the chan, but I lurk a ton and I'm the daughter of two English teachers so I've had this nitpicky habit instilled in me from childhood. I LOVE a lot of your descriptions, though-- Sniper getting distracted, trying to make himself focus, but losing the battle for control? Super-hot. Crazed mad-scientist Medic creating the serum in his hideout? I can picture him giggling insanely in my head. You're a really great writer. There's just a couple of things that I think could be improved. If you want, I could beta-read it for you!

This post has been deleted.

I forgot to mention-- thanks for updating even with your wrist! I've never had carpal tunnel but I have juvenile arthritis, and man that must hurt to type when you're tired and sore. Seriously appreciate it!

I think I have not seen pet!spy.
It can be quite fapulous you know.
He can satisfy others' fetish by acting, I think. Like acting as Ms.Pauling for someone who has imagined doing her when having sex with him.

>>77

This. Oh man. Give me five. No let me hug you. But please don´t kill yourself just for the sake of my prompt.

(Is it wrong of me, that whenever i read old and young medic i need to think on the normal medic as the old one and my OC as the young one? I believe yes.)

Anyway i hope i can pay you one day for the debt i am now in.

>>80 Oh, wow! Thanks for the crit, mang! No, seriously. I love crit to bits and pieces because it shows that, not only did the person like my work, but they liked it enough to tell me what they liked about it and how to get better and, call me a nerd, but that is SO EXCITING TO ME, OMGGG.
Anyways, I'll try to respond to what you said in the order you said it... if that makes sense.

~~~ I know that, technically you aren't supposed to start with "And" or "But", but it's one of those rules I basically ignored just because. WELL, NO MORE. I'll stop doing that, outside of maybe dialogue or sum shit.
~~~ Dude, you're right. Dialogue is tough, but I love writing it, because I feel that's where stories come alive the most. I appreciate the tips for sniper, though - I'm a girl from the hardcore American South, so outside of Engie's (and Medic's, too... I took German for four years) accent, I can't really seem to get them right. Tips are always appreciated!
~~~ No capitalization for emphasis, got it. I'll admit - that's mostly laziness on my part. I end up capitalizing things a lot because I don't want to format friggin' italics, but if it's an eyesore, I guess I have no real choice. And that thing about the Heavy paragraph was just one of those moments where it seems awkward no matter how you place it, and I eventually just gave up and went, "BUMP IT." and moved on. Hopefully that won't happen again in the future, but who knows, LUL.
~~~ I don't know why I did that. Maybe I was trying to mix up terms - I have this thing where I don't like using certain phrases to describe someone twice. Like, if I say "The Scout said <hurp>" at the beginning of a paragraph, I'll refer to him as "the boy" or "the young man" the next time to avoid repetition. I'm not sure if that's a good habit or just something born of my own OCD, but I'll look into it late, FO SHO HOLMES.

You are mad good at proofing, and I'd be psyched if you could beta-read it for me! Thanks for liking my story despite all the minor flaws, and I'm hoping we can work something out eventually!


Oh, and also, I'm not going to continue this story on this thread because I am pretty certain that it's going to get reeeeally long. So I'll just make another totally different thread for it, so that this place doesn't get cluttered with my nonsense. I mean, three updates in a row from one person? Kinda redonkalous. Hoo, I'm tired - I'll see you guys late.

I totally get what you mean about avoiding repetition. Sometimes I wonder if I should just memorize the whole thesaurus so I don't have to keep flipping through it every time I want to find a different word for something. I hope I didn't sound too pretentious in my last post, by the way D:

Also, pfft. Keep updating in this thread! It is full of love and awesomeness.

So. Meet the Medic.

I hate to say it, but... I cried. Manteared, of course - I wasn't bawling, but.. I HAD NO IDEA IT WOULD BE THAT BEAUTIMOUS. I REALLY DIDN'T. Valve, you never fail in blowing my very panties off with sheer awesome.

So, anyways, I was really surprised to see how much this Medic - basically a rehashed version of Dr. Insano - was canonically correct. COLOR ME SURPRISED, PARDNER. I seriously just did this for the lolz.

BUT NOW THIS IS MY MEDIC FOR EVERYTHING FIJIGVBWFCW YES.

Frack, now I have to girl-jizz Medic everywhere. HOPE EVERYONE'S OKAY WITH THAT. Got any Medic-central requests? ASK 'EM NOW, I'M FUELED BY THE POWER OF FANGASM.

So, um. Yeah. I know I can totally keep updating in this thread, but it's likely to get confusing and crud, and I just don't wanna put you guys through that. Make it a one-shot, if you please! I'm already starting to make a habit of piling fanfictions on top of each other, and that's something I was hoping I'd get over after I left my last fandom. TOO MANY IDEAS, NOT ENOUGH TIME TO GET 'EM DOWN, HURP DURP.

mmmm possibly some interaction between this medic and the spy head in his fridge?

No pr0n involved? If so, check the regular fanfiction. I think fucking a severed head is a little bit beyond my reach. HURP

Oh dear GOD yes. I saw the video I practically came in my shorts. It was disgusting, how much I squee'd over it. I've always had a secret love for the Medic but MAANNNNN ALIVE this made it a serious crush.

Okay...um...drugs. Please? Sedatives would be great. Or sex drugs, or tranquilizers/hypnotics.

Alternatively, bondage. It could even have a little bit of guro if you want.

Thanks loads!

I'm probably horrible for asking this, but I just need to see this happen.

Basically, the Engineer gets captured by the enemy base and, for some sadistic reason, they bury him alive. Que someone coming in and saving him in the nick of time (preferable Spy because there is not enough Spy/Engineer in my life). Can end in sex if desired but I'd mostly like to see poor Engie freaking out and being comforted after the ordeal.

I need pornography! Pornography of Medic!
Engineer cut his hand off to build himself a new one, you know who'd get off on that? MEDIC!
Heavy seems worried but amiable for being a test subject, you know who could make something kinky out of that? MEDIC!
I'm just saying everyone takes a turn through that waiting room and they seem to hear every sound coming out of the infirmary/laboratory...
I know that the Meet the Medic video might have made our Doktor a little more light-hearted than most interpretations, but the best sex is sometimes the funniest. Oh chan, don't fail me now!

Bros, I would be in anon's debt if someone wrote spy/engineer/sniper.

Especially if bondage (Spy tying Engineer up, making him watch shenanigans with Sniper, eventually all three). Especially if knife play (nothing deep/no guro). As long as there's no non-con/watersports, I'm a happy fella.

Bonus points/internets for subtle suggestions of actual serious attachment between the three of them, because I'm terrible.

Thanks guize.

Guys, we need Medic porn involving the birds.

No, not like...Ugh. Wait.

OKAY. Medic-Heavy smut. The birds watch. Medic doesn't notice, but Heavy feels really fucking awkward with them just....staring at him. Tries to have a good time, but in the end, Medic's the only one really enjoying himself.

Okay, glad to know I'm far from being the only one who jizzed to "Meet the Medic".

The one question that comes up is "How do you ubercharge a Medic if there was nobody else to implant an uber device in /him/?"

Being enough of a nutjob for it, he'd take a page right out of the first Iron Man movie: he takes his Bonesaw to himself and performs self-surgery to implant the device.

He'd need two extra hands of course, so pick whichever class you want to be the "assistant". Squick on their end is a must (the level of such depends on the class you pick), while the Medic is disturbingly casual about the whole thing. (even being annoyed if they freak out too much)

Alrighty, I'll try my hardest with the requests already given! If I happen to not do your request or just take FOREVER, I'm sorry, I really am. Might've bit off more than I could chew there, BUT I REGRET NOTHING.

I'm sorry for bugging you guys, but I'm looking for 2 fics.
The first is heavy/engineer with heavy strapped down. It appeared before the site got rebooted.
The second has Spy and Sniper singing 'anything you an do I can do better'
If you can find either of these I'd be very happy.

>>97 Gotcha covered on the Eng-Heavy fic front. Don't know the title, but I'm pretty sure it's one of Marty's fics.

----

“Okay, big guy, bend down so I can buckle this...” sweat glistened on the Engineer’s forehead as he cinched the collar around the Heavy’s neck. The big man leaned over and kissed his shorter teammate on the forehead as the buckle clinked closed.

“You look very happy,” the Russian smiled.

“You best believe it, partner.” The Texan threaded a rope through the ring on the collar and hauled on it- the pulley effect yanked the Heavy down toward the end of the rope that was tied to a ring in the floor. “Great big fella like you, at my mercy.”

The Heavy growled in pleasure and went down on his knees. Next, the Engineer bound up his wrists and put the end of that rope up through a ring on the ceiling. Pulled in two directions, the Heavy was immobilised. Grinning like a maniac, the Engineer adjusted the tension on the ropes until the Russian’s mouth was exactly level with the crotch of his overalls.

“Now, ain’t that a picture.” The Engineer walked around the kneeling giant. “You want this?” He positioned himself in front of the Heavy and unzipped his fly.

“Da,” the Heavy smiled. “Give to me.”

Panting slightly, the Engineer fed his thick cock between the Heavy’s lips. The Russian strained against his bonds, trying to take in more than the Texan was giving him.

“Be patient, big fella,” the Engineer chuckled, caressing the other man’s bald scalp. “Yer gonna get it all... when’n’as I want to give it.”

The Heavy did as he was told, lapping and sucking at the tip of the Engineer’s cock until the man eased more in. The Russian used his tongue skillfully, coaxing and teasing, trying to make the Texan desperate. It seemed to be working; soon, the Engineer was all but fucking his throat. His thick cock almost filled the Heavy’s wide mouth, and the Russian had to breathe carefully to avoid choking.

“Shoot, that’s nice,” the Engineer grinned as he pushed back on the Heavy’s forehead, pulling his cock out of the big man’s mouth. The Heavy groaned with frustration as the Engineer patted his cock dry on a corner of his shirttail and tucked it back in his overalls.

“Didn’t I say, hold your horses?” The Engineer loosened the knot that held the Heavy to the floor, leaving the rope trailing from his collar. Then, he reeled in the rope to the ceiling, dragging the Heavy to his feet and twisting his arms up at an uncomfortable angle. “That’s right.”

The Engineer unbuckled the Heavy’s flak jacket and stripped it away, then ran his hands over the fat-padded muscle of the Russian’s torso. “You are built like a brick shithouse, if I may say.”

“What means this?”

“Solid. Big and tough. Impervious to all forces of man an’ nature.” The Engineer smiled, and undid the Heavy’s belt. “I can’t believe how goddamn big you are.”

“Is good day to be giant man,” the Heavy leered as the Engineer pulled out his cock and stroked it. The tension of the rope forced the Heavy to either stand on his toes or strain his shoulders- he couldn’t thrust into the Engineer’s callused hand, no matter how much he wanted to. His wide face went red wit frustration, and he moaned.

“Oh, yeah.” The Engineer wrapped his arms around the Heavy, pressing their solid bodies together. “You’re quite a sight like this.” He nuzzled against the larger man’s chest, inhaling the warm scent of his skin.

The Heavy bent his neck to kiss the top of the Engineer’s head. “But please, let me down now? The shoulder creaks.”

“I’ll let ya down, all right,” the Engineer smirked and grabbed another hank of rope. He tied an amazingly complicated figure-eight knot around the Heavy’s balls and tugged. “I reckon I got your full attention?”

The Heavy roared, unable to provide an articulate answer as the Engineer untied his hands.

“Get over toward the bed,” the Texan directed. “Yah, mule,” he laughed as he playfully whipped the big man’s ass with the loose end of the rope.

Their shared bed was a tempered-steel testament to the Engineer’s genius. Its legs had rigid spring shocks like the legs of a sentry gun, there were cleats for ropes and hooks for chain, it was rated to two thousand pounds, and there was a beer cooler built into the underside. Moreover, there was a pressure switch under the mattress- when the bed was occupied, it automatically locked the bedroom door and charged the handle with a thousand volts- enough to dissuade any nosy Scouts or prying Spies. When the Heavy laid down spread-eagle in the centre, it framed him perfectly.

“Oh, darlin’,” the Engineer panted as he stripped off the Heavy’s clothing and tied him down. “I love to see you on this bed.”

“Bed is good,” the Heavy smiled, tugging experimentally at his bonds. “With you in, is better.” The Engineer’s knots were sound, as always.

The Engineer hastily shucked his clothing and threw himself across the larger man. Groaning with pleasure, he crawled up along the Heavy to lie on top of him, barrel-chest to barrel-chest, erections pressed together. They kissed deeply before the Engineer drew back to look into the Heavy’s eyes.

“I love havin’ you like this. A genuine giant, under my complete command. It’s amazin’.”

“I love to be like this. Is so safe.” The Heavy flexed his shoulders.

“How do you figure?” The Engineer cocked his head.

“I am too big, always have to be careful, hold back. With this,” he tensed is arm, making the muscles stand out but otherwise achieving nothing, “I can give all, but still no danger.”

“That’s a dang good point,” the Engineer kissed the Heavy’s collarbone. “I never thought of it that way before. I just figured you were bein’ accomodatin’.”

“Is good for me, too,” the Heavy assured him.

“Oh, I’ll make sure it’s good fer ya.” The Engineer slid his hands down the Heavy’s body, stroking his chest, belly and thighs before reaching his cock. “You look dang eager,” he remarked, tugging on the rope around the larger man’s balls.

“Da,” the Heavy panted.

The Engineer huffed a hot breath on the Heavy’s erection, the followed it with his tongue. The big man groaned, and the Texan wrapped his lips around his lover and blew him to the point of desperation before stopping.

The Heavy swore and pleaded in Russian, but the Engineer ignored him to dig into his particular bedroom toolbox. He came out with a custom-made, hand-tooled buttplug, fitted with a compact Australium-powered vibrator. The Heavy moaned at the distinctive sound as the Engineer fired it up, and his cock shuddered.

“That’s right, you like this’un, don’t ya?” The Engineer cooed as he slicked the toy with lube. “Wait for it...” he pressed the blunt tip against the Heavy’ ass. Groaning, the Russian relaxed and let the Engineer slide it into place.

“That’s what I like to see.” The Engineer leaned back, surveying the scene with satisfaction- his steel, his rope, his toys- his Heavy. “Is this what you like to see?” He straddled the Russian’s hips and began fingering his own ass.

The Heavy huffed and struggled, but couldn’t get the leverage to push up into the Engineer. He was forced to wait as the Texan prepared himself, luxuriating in the feeling of his fingers inside his own body, teasing his own cock and balls with his fingertips. Only when the Texan was flushed and moaning did he pause to undo the rope around the Heavy’s balls. Then, he took hold of the big man’s cock again, propping it upright and positioning it to penetrate him.

The Heavy groaned at the sensation of the Engineer’s tender flesh against his own, groaned in anticipation of pleasure. He tried to buck again, and this time, the Engineer held still to let him push in. He grunted and slid carefully down onto the big man’s cock, an inch at a time. “Oh, oh Jesus, Heavy.”

When the Engineer had taken the Heavy’s cock all the way, he leaned forward to kiss the big man, stroking his stubbled cheeks. “Okay, big fella, turn loose.”

“Ride them, cowboy,” the Heavy rumbled, grinning broadly. He snapped his hips up, and the Engineer did ride him, gripping the Heavy’s hips with his knees, holding onto the massive man’s shoulders with one hand. The other hand wrapped around his cock, stroking in time with the Heavy’s forceful thrusts.

“God, lord Jesus, yes,” the Engineer swore. In the throes of pleasure, he tightened his legs, squeezing the Heavy inside himself.

The big man had no words, not in English, not in Russian, for what he was feeling. He threw it all into the motions of his body, bucking and writhing under the smaller man. Any lesser bed would have been cantering all over the floor. As it was, the springs screamed in protest, adding to the symphony of the Heavy’s bellowing and the Engineer’s whoops.

The Texan rode the larger man like a rodeo bull, letting his body follow of his muscular lover. “Auh-” he panted. “Oh, lord, Heavy, so close- tell me when yer gonna-”

“Please!” the Heavy roared. “Please- now- please!”

The Engineer jerked himself hard and fast, and ejaculated with a hair-raising yodel that could be heard over in the enemy Intel room. The Heavy followed suit, with a roar that shook the foundations of the base. The Engineer collapsed on top of him, smearing semen between their bellies. “Oh- that was- that was-” he babbled.

“Sh, shh,” the Heavy soothed. “Is good.”

“Lemme untie ya-” the Texan loosened the knots at the Heavy’s wrists.

“Da,” the Russian wrapped his arms around his smaller lover. “Is good time for hug. You are okay?”

“Nnf-” the Engineer winced as he pulled himself off the Heavy’s softening cock. “Never better, darlin’, never better.”

“Please to turn off vibrator now?”

“Oh, sorry, o’course.”

I think this is the 'anything you an do I can do better' fic you're thinking of.

-

ANYTHING SNIPER CAN DO, SPY CAN DO BETTER


"Monsieur Engineer! Set up a range for ze Sniper and myself!" Spy demanded as he stormed into the community room of the base. Sniper was quick to follow with a sour look on his face.

"Lover's quarrel?" Medic asked from his place at the chess board with Heavy. This elicited a derisive snort from Sniper.

"There's no lovin' a Spy, mate. He wouldn't be able to figure out his place in the relationship..." he gave Spy a sidelong look before continuing, "the woman's place. He'd be out taking down targets instead of getting me dinner ready for when I get back from 'work'." Sniper pointed out, crossing his arms.

"Oui, and you would be missing your targets." Spy stated, eyes flashing dangerously as he stepped up closer as if to confront the slightly taller man.

"Ah... this is no way to start workin' together, y'children." Engineer stated, taking a sip of his beer pointedly.

"We ain't gonna be workin' t'gether!" Sniper exclaimed, his voice ringing a bit more harshly than the situation warranted.

"You guys are still on the same team, fags," Scout said, frowning at them in annoyance from his place lounging across the couch.

"That does not mean that we will be working together... ever," Spy growled adamantly, shooting the Bostonian a subtle glare that made him go back to his television watching with little more than another 'fag' comment.

Spy saw that Engineer wasn't going to comply with his request and turned to brush past Sniper with a firm frown. "Zat does not mean zat you win merely from your job title." Spy stated when he saw Sniper's winning smirk as he passed the man.

"Oh? That suit sure had me fooled, I thought I was dealing with a gentleman." Sniper shot after the Frenchman. Spy stopped and they were suddenly chest to chest again, neither backing down from their testosterone-filled anger match. "It's gonna be a pleasure giving you a lesson in marksmanship once I convince Truckie to do it." After all, they needed Engineer’s precious metal to set up targets.

"Bah! My dear Sniper, you could not even give me a lesson in long-distance spitting!" Spy sneered, back ramrod-straight and chest puffed out in an effort to seem more formidable than the other man. "Anyzing you can do, I can do better! I can do anyzing better zan you!" Spy scoffed in his face, giving him a light shove with his chest before turning on his heel and walking to lean against the couch.

"No you can't." Sniper shot back, following him with his long strides and placing his hands on the back of the couch, trapping Spy within the confines as he leant against the sofa with about a foot or more of space between their bodies.

Spy smirked. "Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"Yes I can." The lord-of-espionage's voice was almost sing-song, so very satisfied that he was annoying his co-worker.

"No you can't!" Sniper's eyes narrowed in a glare behind his shades.

"Yes I can, yes I can!" Spy came chest to chest with the man again and smirked up at him triumphantly.

"Anything you can be, I can be greater." Sniper sneered, eyes dangerous behind his glasses as the masked man before him looked affronted at their closeness and turned away to cross his arms, side facing Sniper. Neither were aware that the whole team was watching them. "Sooner or later... I'm greater than you!" He boasted lowly into Spy's ear with a short laugh.

"No you are not." Spy sneered, rolling his eyes at the supposedly ludicrous statement.

"Yes I am." Sniper countered with a smirk, seeing Spy's nerves tense

"You are not," Spy said a bit more firmly, eyes narrowing dangerously. He was offended that the Sniper might ever think himself superior to the masked man.

"Oh, yes I am." They were chest to chest again, noses scant centimeters from each other. "Yes I am, mate," he repeated with a snarky grin. “I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge!” He bragged as he strolled away from the tense man with his hands casually in his pockets.

“Oh? Well, I can shoot a sparrow with a bow and arrow.” Spy smirked, playing on the fact that Sniper was very poor at using his Huntsman. Sniper’s ears turned red and Spy thought he had won their little spat until Sniper’s expression became a bit more determined and he burst out with a desperate:

“I can live on bread and cheese!”

“And only on that?” Spy questioned, knowing the man’s great love for Kangaroo jerky.

“Yes!” Sniper answered confidently, his broad chest puffing out proudly.

“So can a rat.” Spy scoffed, his witticism taking the man by surprise as he strode to the man’s other side as if he were walking away from the fight. Sniper’s hand caught Spy’s shoulder and whirled him around with yet another glare as Spy’s hand raised with his knife flicked out and glinting.

Sniper paid the weapon no heed and merely boasted: “Any note you can reach, I can go higher,” with a smirk ghosting his lips.

Spy paused for a second, blank faced before realizing what he was talking about. “You mean singing?” he raised a curious brow as he looked over the man. Sniper suddenly felt less confident and nodded a bit. “You really are a ‘fag,’ zen.” Spy laughed derisively before flicking his knife back into his pocket and heading back toward the door that they came in. He paused at the door and looked back at the blushing Australian with a small smirk. “ ‘Anyzing you can be, I can be better.’ ” He reminded Sniper with a wink before walking out.

Sniper felt his blush grow a bit before yelling after the man. “I’ll always be better than you!” He stormed out of the room, boots echoing down the hall long after they had moved away from the room.

“So... they’re going to see who can be gayer?” Scout asked, confused. “How’s that go?”

“Well, lad... first one gets on-” Demo’s explanation was cut off by Engineer tapping him on the head with his wrench warningly.

“They’re going to see who can yell louder...” Engineer explained simply, going back to whatever he was working on. Sometimes it was more soothing to work in a room of people rather than his shop. “Don’t go botherin’ 'em.” He warned, glancing up at the innocent boy as he stood.

“Aw... but I wanna see who wins.” Scout pouted, sinking back to the couch and turning the volume up on Annie Get Your Gun.

“You vill know by who is more... content... at dinner.” Medic assured him as he watched Heavy capture his pawn and took the man’s knight before his queen was soon lost. “Sheisse...” he murmured, scratching the back of his head with a small frown. “You are getting better, Heavy.”

“Thank you, doktor.” Heavy grinned, practically wiggling at his praise.

“Fags...” Scout mumbled, trying to block the two out as he watched Betty Hutton and Howard Keel start singing. “Wait a sec...”

-----

"Thought you said I couldn't teach you 'bout long-distance spitting." Sniper chuckled, motioning to the two white spots on the wooden floor a good distance from the edge of the bed.

"Shut up, you had the advantage of being first." Spy stated, breathing out a lungful of smoke as he lay next to the man. Their clothes lay across the floor in a frenzied mess that the two utterly lacked now.

"Pft, how much d'those cigs cost, mate?" Sniper asked, stealing the cigarette for inspection before taking a puff and twisting his lips a bit as he tested the smoke's flavor and the way it sat in his lungs. He let it trail out his nostrils with a shake of his head, handing the cancer stick back to the Frenchman with a look of distaste.

"Why?" Spy asked with a raised brow. If he didn't like the taste of the man's cigarettes, did he not like the taste of Spy's mouth that he so enjoyed only a few minutes before?

"They're just nothin' like mine... I don't like 'em." Sniper stated, moving to rest his head on the man's stomach idly with his body turned so that his legs were hanging off of the edge.

"Hm... they are fifty cents a pack." Spy stated, taking a drag.

"The most expensive I've bought were forty." Sniper informed him, shaking his head.

"They used to be thirty..."

"I get mine for twenty." Sniper smirked, moving to get one of his own from the pack in his pants that were sprawled across the floor near the bed and lighting it. He then settled next to Spy again on his back with his arm touching the Frenchman's lightly.

"Liar." Spy accused with a snort of his expensive smoke in Sniper's direction.

"Yes I can." Sniper stated with a frown, returning the favor and scooting closer to the man.

"No you cannot..." Spy rolled his eyes as if he was tired of hearing the man lie.

"Yes. I. Can." Sniper stated, bumping Spy closer to the edge of the bed with each emphasized word. He gave a satisfied laugh when the man's arm wrapped around him to avoid falling off.

"Merde... you are very funny, Sniper... you would be even funnier with my knife in your back, eh?" He gave the man a slight glare before putting out the finished butt of his cigarette on the man's shoulder.

"If you said that any softer, mate, it might be a turn-on." Sniper returned in a low, rough voice. He had barely winced at the burn; it wasn't anything major, just another scar for Spy to kiss.

"Bah, I can say anything softer than you." Spy scoffed as he flicked the butt away.

"No, y'can't." Sniper said in a soothingly soft voice that he had rarely used before. Maybe when he thought he hurt Spy only to find that the man had a pain kink.

"Yes I can." Spy countered ever so softly.

"No, you can't." Sniper's voice was barely discernable from his breath as his face moved closer to Spy's.

"Yes I can..." was the whisper along Sniper's lips and, before the Aussie's negation could flicker forth, their lips were connected. Spy winced when Sniper's cigarette got too close to his cheek and Sniper grumbled, pulling back once he realized he'd been tricked into not responding for two seconds. It was a universal rule that a reply was confined within two seconds or it was invalid.

"I can drink my liquor faster than a flicker." Spy chuckled, placing a last peck against Sniper's lips and carefully avoiding the cigarette.

"I c'n drink it quicker and get even sicker." Sniper smirked, knowing how Spy's stomach reacted to large and quickly ingested amounts of alcohol.

"I can open any safe," Spy said pointedly.

"Without gettin' caught?" Sniper asked, raising a brow.

"Oui-"

"That's what I thought, y'crook." Sniper snorted, hitting him lightly in the chest before turning onto his back and tapping his cigarette over the ashtray next to Spy's bed.

"Any note you can hold, I can hold longer." Spy sing-songed into his ear with a sultry smirk on his lips.

"Fag." Sniper countered as he blew smoke rings at the ceiling, watching them puff into nothingness against the white spackle.

"You are one to talk, mon ami..." was Spy's reminder with a gentle laugh at the man's ineffective counter before closing his eyes and relaxing back.

A few minutes later, once Sniper had finished his cigarette, the man slipped up to Spy's ear and waited for the man to crack an eye open at the hot, moist breath in his ear.

"Anything you can wear, I can wear better." He murmured lowly against the man's ear, tongue ghosting over the shell and getting an interesting reaction from Spy's throat before he finished his taunt, "in what you wear, I'd look better than you..."

"In my jacket?" Spy questioned with a raised brow and nodded to the chair it hung from.

"And your vest." Sniper nodded, slipping away and scooping up the article to pull it on before donning the jacket as well.

"In my pants?" Spy suggested, watching the man comply and pull them on before smirking and also taking up the discarded mask.

"In your mask..." the Australian grinned as he pulled the fabric over his head and looked at Spy with the best approximation he could get of the condescending look that Spy usually had.

"Hmm... no you can't." Spy smirked, shaking his head and standing himself with a yawn and a smooth stretch as he paced over to Sniper and straightened the suit on him a bit.

"Yes I can, can, can." Sniper pointed out, noticing the Frenchman's gaze lingering on the way that the pants fit him and the way that his, though quite lanky, form easily filled the thinner man's vest and jacket with his slightly more muscular figure.

"Anything you can say, I can say faster." Spy changed the subject quickly, looping the tie around Sniper's neck and skillfully tying it before pulling him back over to the bed.

"Oi! I c'n say anything faster'n you!" Sniper growled, pushing the man down onto the bed and following when he didn't relinquish the tie.

"No, you cannot." Spy shook his head, pulling Sniper a bit closer.

"Yeah I can!" Sniper answered quickly. They went on like that for a few seconds with Spy giving Sniper a little tug to bring him closer with each of his ever-quicker denials that Sniper could speak faster than him. Sniper's lips cut him off in much the same manner as Spy's had when they were on the topic of who could speak more softly, effectively winning the argument by late response.

"I can jump a hurdle..." Spy breathed, his eyes furious that his own tactic had been used against him. His hand on the tie pulled Sniper closer so that their foreheads rested against each other.

"I can wear a girdle," Sniper taunted, hands resting on either side of Spy's hips.

"Do you even know what that is?" Spy raised a brow, suddenly amused at the thought.

" 'Course, it's a hat, right?"

"Stop being a brat." Spy rolled his eyes and let the tie go so that Sniper could sit up on him.

"Well... your turn, mate." Sniper goaded, brushing a hand across the smooth skin of Spy's chest.

Spy thought for a second before shrugging and continuing with, "I can knit a sweater."

"We both know I c'n fill it better," Sniper pointed out with a chuckle, shrugging the jacket off and looking down to undo the buttons on the vest.

"I can do most anything." Spy smirked up at the man, his hands arresting Sniper's from their unbuttoning and continuing it themselves.

"Can you bake a pie?" Sniper asked curiously, suddenly hungry.

"No..." Spy answered softly with a small frown and a quirk of his brow.

"Neither can I," Sniper sighed before shrugging the vest off as well.

"Anything you can say, I can say sweeter," Spy offered, trying to pull the man's mind from his stomach.

"Fag." Sniper accused with a snort.

"Hm... yes, but so are you." Spy chuckled, playing with the waistband of his slacks around the other man's waist.

"Too right, mate... too right..." Sniper agreed as he lowered himself onto the man and proceeded to start their next competition-- who had the better stamina.

>>99

That was a thing of beauty, and Sniper/Spy, (and songfic, do ho ho) isn't even a pairing that strongly appeals to me.... Kudos to you!