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Repression (103)

1 .

Filling a combination of prompts on the request thread:

i would like to see someone, other the scout (since he's always the homophobic one), that is strongly homophobic. sexytimes and pairings surrounding the situation is up to the author.
This. We've seen plenty of homophobia from Soldier, Scout, occasionally Medic, but Spy is always the one who's super confident in his sexuality. Heavy never needs much coaxing, either; I'd love to see a repressed/homophobic Heavy. Heck, Engineer's from Texas, and he's usually written as the most tolerant guy. And I don't think I've ever seen a homophobic Pyro, that would be hilarious.

It's Heavy/Medic because I can only write them so far. Hope it doesn't suck!


It started when Medic showed up for battle with a black eye. “Geeze, doc,” Scout pointed it out while stretching, waiting or the gates to open, “the fuck happened to your face?”

“Was?” Medic asked idly, then moved a gloved hand to his cheek, wincing slightly as fingers pressed the purple flesh. “Oh, it is nothing. It will vanish when I respawn,” he replied, training the Medigun’s beam on Demoman, concentrating on filling his Charge.

“Well, I was mainly talkin’ about how ugly you are, but yeah, was wonderin’ about the black eye too. You an’ the Heavy have a domestic dispute?” Scout challenged, laughing and sprinting the moment the metal grates opened to the battlefield. Medic grumbled something under his breath, but kept pace with his heal target, which, conspicuously to some, was not Heavy.

In fact, Medic seemed to avoid Heavy for most of the battle, overhealing him if he was close by, but not going out of his way for him; concentrating on him, sticking to him like the team they normally were. He did not even ubercharge him. The few he managed to get between respawns went to the Soldier and Demoman. Heavy, in the meantime, had an expression somewhere between furious and fearful; neither expressions one would normally want to see him with.

They did not lose, and the Soldier, who typically did the most complaining about the team’s performance, could not complain about being invincible more often than normal, but still, something seemed off. After the battle, the members of BLU went their separate ways; some to shower, some to tinker or fool around in their bunks until dinner. Medic did not seem to notice or care where the Heavy went, despite them normally having a chess match to keep their minds sharp after the foggy feeling of too many respawns.

When Medic finally emerged from his labs and entered the dining hall, the mood of the base had definitely changed.

All eight other members of the team turned toward him when the door opened, and Medic could only stand there, momentarily stunned when their gazes did not turn away. “Was ist los?” he asked, confused, feeling his cheeks with gloved hands, “Is there something on my face?”

“Not right now there ain’t,” Scout piped up first, intent expression turning to a glare. “You got a lotta fuckin’ nerve, Doc.” Medic visibly tensed, hands turning to fists at his sides.

“What are you talking about?” he demanded, suddenly noticing the other men had formed a sort of human wall, with Heavy at the center, slightly behind the rest.

“You thought we wouldn’t find out? The fuck is wrong with you, man? We even tried to get them to kick you out, but the Administrator didn’t care, even after we told ‘er you attacked someone!”

“What?” Medic turned ashen, honestly shocked at the accusation. “Attacked whom? I have done nothing wrong!”

“Like hell! We all know what you did--”

“Son, let the adults talk for a minute,” Soldier commanded, and Scout shut his mouth reluctantly, pouting like a child. The older BLU broke from the ranks, folding his arms behind himself and pacing back and forth. “Thought you could hide it from us, did you? What you are.” His eyes were barely visible, but Medic could still see the edges bulging under the brim of his helmet.

“I swear, on all your psychopathic lives, I have no idea what you are talking about!”

“BullSHIT! You are a HO-MO-SEXUAL, and everyone in this room knows it!” Soldier bellowed, pointing first at the Medic and then to the men behind him to demonstrate his point. A few of the team members shifted uncomfortably. Medic began to sweat.


“DON’T you dare play dumb with me, you limp-wrested fairy! Heavy told us all about what you did. And you thought he would just go along with it? Or maybe you thought you could overpower him? Last time I checked, queers didn’t have super-human strength!”

“Soldier, please…” Heavy attempted, looking between the two men at the center of the room. Medic’s eyes turned steely.

“Herr Soldier, would you mind if I talked to Herr Heavy alone for a moment?”

“Like hell! From now on, you are forbidden from being “alone” with any of us! We can’t take any chance you won’t try something like that again--”

“Stop! Just stop it! I did not attack him! It was a mistake! I thought he wanted me to kiss him!” Medic cried, livid, eyes moving between Soldier and Heavy, all but ignoring the six other men.

“So you admit it!” Soldier challenged, “But that’s not how I heard it. Heavy said you cornered him, propositioned him, tried stick your filthy fag tongue in his mouth, and he had to punch you just to get you off him! That’s why you had that black eye this morning, isn’t it?!”

“No, it was--”

“Heavy, tell him what you told us!” Soldier yelled, pointing accusingly at Medic, who stood with his mouth hanging helplessly open for words that would not come, eyes imploring the man he thought was his friend to end this ridiculous public humiliation. Heavy did not meet his gaze.

“Doktor… attacked me. Tried to…” he made vague gestures with his hands, seemingly unable to say the words, “punched him, when he would not stop.”

“See?!” Soldier cried, triumphant, eyes gleaming under the brim of his helmet. Medic just stood there, looking like he had just taken a rocket to the gut. “No denying it now, fruity Fritz! So while we’re all here, I’m gonna fill you in on the ground rules, now that we all know your filthy little secret.”

“I do not want to hear it.” Medic breathed through clenched teeth, obviously trying to swallow his emotion. “I have had enough of this dummheit. Speak to me when you have regained your heads!”

As he marched from the room, he could hear the Scout laughing, taunting him--“Did you see that? Fuckin’ fag started cryin’!”--and the others presumably joining in--“Next time he so much as looks at me funny I’m gonna punch his gay Nazi block off!” “Maybe he’s always runnin’ behind us with that gun so he can get a good look at yer arse!”--until he turned a corner, somehow finding his way back to the infirmary through his hurt and anger.

He was an adult. He could handle this. He breathed, settling into his desk chair and digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. But as Archimedes settled on his shoulder, brushed his cheek with a wing, memories came flooding back; memories he had repressed and wished he could entirely forget, but there they were. And now it was happening again. Thinking of the look on Heavy’s face as he accused him in front of the whole team, Medic felt the betrayal sucker punch him again, and he wept.

2 .

FUCK forgot to say this is a chapter fic it's going to keep going SORRY SORRY!!

3 .

Excellent first installment. I am eager to read more.

4 .

Oh man. Poor Medic. Multi-chapter fic like this I had better go buy another box of tissues.

Not entirely sure what went on with Medic and Heavy. Did Heavy just overreact and think Medic attacked him, or is Heavy lying because he's too embarrassed to admit to himself he has feelings for Medic? Or is it something else entirely?

I look forward to the next chapter, great read!

5 .

I really love this so far. As painful as it is to see the team being so homophobic, it's more true to the period they lived in, and you write it very well. (It's also interesting that the Administrator didn't care... wonder if that will come up again or not...)
Thank you for telling us this is a chapter fic because it needs to continue!

6 .

hnggggg so stoked.

7 .

Oh, damn. This is.. pretty heartbreaking already. Intolerance is so incredibly difficult to deal with.

Please continue this soon!

8 .

I'm trying to figure out something... Is this the Medic from the Team Fortress 2 universe, or some random person that happens to go by the name Medic whom seems like they had just graduated from middle school and has the emotional capabilities of a teenage girl?

Frankly, your medic sounds like a little bitch than a full grown adult. You have a man with a high intellect that makes a move on someone without even knowing if they swung that way, considering the time period they're in had such a strong hatred towards homosexuality, cause he had a "feeling". Since Medic sounds like he's in grade school, why didn't you have him pass Heavy a note instead that said "Do you like me? Yes[] No[]".

9 .

Oh my God what is this mixed fusion of sadness and glee and excitement I feel. Count me in for watching this with baited breath.

10 .


And that right there is why more people don't fill requests and why there's nowhere near the amount of new content in afanfic as there could be.

Good job, sir. Well done.

11 .


Watch it, children. While Nublet may not have delivered his crit all sugarcoated with sprinkles, it doesn't make his criticism less valid. I WILL be banning the next person to whine about criticisms on the fic boards.

12 .

I legit teared up a little.

The characterization read as true enough to me, if things happened a certain way-- IF Heavy was sending out mixed signals due to being a repressed self-loathing homosexual, THEN Medic's reading of the situation and his feelings of betrayal afterward feel right. Of course, we don't know (yet?) how things went down, but when I read the first chapter, that was my set of assumptions, and operating under them I wasn't thrown by Medic's behaviour. However, I can easily see how filling in the blanks differently or not assuming anything and waiting for that information to be given by the author could lead to feeling differently about it.

Then of course, there's the period-appropriate response from the team as a whole, and ugh. Yeah. The casual air of 'it's all right to hate and fear the guy who's been saving our lives now because ew, gay' is just gutting in the best way.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this fic evolves.

13 .

Oh wow thank you everyone for the positive feedback so far! I hope this lives up to your expectations.

>>8 I can see where you're coming from. I apologize, I do have a bit of a flair for the dramatic (which is why I chose to write this in the first place). All I can say is wait to see what really went down between Heavy and Medic? Was that your only complaint; that Medic tried to kiss him without knowing if he was really gay or not or was there something else? I just woke up so my reading comprehension is not tip-top right now.

14 .

i like it so far. i like that you made medic a fricking human when it comes to his emotions and under such an ordeal given the time period, it worked out perfectly. i will be watching this thread every morning! pleas post again soon.

15 .

I am in between on this. There is nothing wrong with a man crying. It does not give them the emotional depth of a teenager. Plus, black eye, attack from the people he lived and fought with for who knows how long, it probably would get to him.

That being said, I think that writing wise, the impact was a little too aggressive, a little too quick. It might have been better to make the crying a second update thing, after a few weeks of just piled on sadness.

Of course, this is coming from someone who cries for the same reason Medic does here -- stress. I've had relatives die, and never shed a tear, but things that cause me stress, that will get my tear ducts working, even if I'm not actually sad.

Not everyone cries for the same reasons, which is important to keep in mind, but that's a very hard thing to do when out of real life, I suppose.

16 .


Oh wow, I've gone through life thinking that I'm the only human who cries out of frustration rather than sadness. It makes arguments all the more frustrating when I don't even feel particularly upset, yet suddenly and uncontrollably, the tears start flowing. Very embarrassing.

Anyway. I think, given that Medic has clearly been through this kind of mass rejection before, it's not strange that he would weep at the realization that happiness is still not his to claim. His eight teammates play a huge role in his life at the moment, and naturally it is terribly hurtful for all of them to gang up on him with a unanimous "fuck you" when he hadn't even intended any harm in the first place. I don't think it's woman-ish of him to cry, at least for a little while. I'm with everyone else in hoping that he can pull himself together and maybe win the team's respect back.

17 .

(captcha: "derwhy words" yes exactly)

Thanks again for the kind comments.

I also feel like I should point out Medic didn't actually cry until he got to his office? I'm not sure but it seems like some people got that impression. He was visibly upset in front of the others, but he didn't cry. Scout was just being a dick when he said he cried bluh bluh I'll stop talking now.

And yes! I also cry out of frustration! The inability to control a shitty situation really sets me off.

18 .

ow ow ow my heart ow. Damn it, Heavy. FIX THIS.

19 .

Oh my... ;.; This gave me a sad. It does make me happy in the way that it's more... realistic ? In all other fanfics everyone goes gay on eachother, and while I enjoy that, it's not really like that. So this fic is pretty ..... new. I will keep my eye on it.

I like how you used Archimedes, it was fitting, and it gave me the sad :(

20 .

No emoticons, please! It's against the rules, please read them!

21 .

This fic makes my stomach hurt. I remember having to be afraid I'd be found out; this was my nightmare.

22 .

>>21 Been there, my friend. Still there in some aspects haha. I hope it doesn't bother/trigger you too much (in which case by all means please avoid it!). I'm sorry. I offer all of my internet hugs.

By the way I think you're a fantastic writer.........

23 .

...and >>22 was me. Augh I always forget to put my name in.

24 .

I was also confused as to whether or not Medic cried in front of them because of Scout's comment and the somewhat vague description before that. Even though it's not like men never do that; it's just rarer because they tend to get trained out of it even harsher than women do and it therefore has a stronger impact when it does happen so I could see why a public outburst might rub some readers the wrong way. I am glad Joannad cleared that up and only wish we had the ability to edit, as it'd be such a simple edit to make.

Also, I could see someone being confused if they hadn't read the prompt since we didn't get to see the actual incident between the two in this chapter. Perhaps expanding on it a little more would have been better but as long as the latter is at least addressed in the future it should be fine. I think getting a beta would help with catching anything else that might be unclear in the future.

Other than that, I didn't think it was immature of Medic to react as he did. Especially considering that he now has guaranteed that there are at least seven FRIGHTENED (and therefore even more trigger happy) psychotic career killers against him in an area with respawn. That alone is worth crying over if only out of sheer fucking terror. And as far as raw emotion goes, being turned into a pariah and very strongly and coldly rejected by a man you might be in love with (and thought might love you) still sucks ass. I mean, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest it might have been love because that certainly would be more upsetting. Even if it was more strong friendship than in love, that still hurts.

I'd also like to point out that Medic could have tried threatening/mocking/other vicious reaction out of anger towards them or pointing out that he's a major source of healing, but appealing to their sense of reason rather than trying to frighten or manipulate them is a much better option. He didn't need to give them more reason to hate him, even if that might have also been a realistic response. Being intelligent, I would expect him to realize that he was outnumbered and that he should try appealing to them on a non-threatening level. Nothing that he did, at least in response to the accusations, seemed juvenile to me. It was all perfectly rationale. Seeing the actual event would have helped make his actions during it more rationale too but as it stands, I just hope we get to see that scene in the next chapter.

I have to add that I love this situation, by the way. It is heartbreaking but it's interesting because of that. I'm eager to see how the whole thing will be resolved since this isn't the kind of thing that can be taken back or easily turned around simply by Heavy figuring himself out. The Medic is still going to have to regain everyone's trust somehow and I'm actually more eager to see how that goes than how Heavy's repression is dealt with. Heavy's repression is still a bonus though and I do want to see how Joannad handles it.

25 .

While a lot of people do tend to write the Medic as a little more femmy than he is canonically, I didn't think his reaction was excessive, considering the stress he's under. I can understand people who dislike a femmy Medic, but I say bring on the melodrama.

26 .

I wish people stopped equating "crybaby" with "female." Yes, women are more likely to cry than men, but that's because a)women simply aren't trained since childhood to hold tears back, and b)women's tear ducts are smaller than men's, so that tears are much more likely to spill. The "emotional female" stereotype is insulting.

In any case, Medic's reaction doesn't seem over-the-top to me. Imagine being stuck in a isolated place where every single human being you ever see every day is either actively attempting to murder you (the enemy team) or hates your guts and wishes you were dead (your own team, which on an emotional level is even worse). Add to that the fact that, deep down, you have probably been convinced that there is something horribly wrong with you (even nowadays so many gays are self-loathing because they have been raised in a homophobic culture, and things were so much worse half a century ago; plus, Medic is German, and assuming that WW2 happened in TF2 as it did in reality, he was raised in a time and a place that sent gays to concentration camps), and that the person you are in love with hit you because he believes that you are an abomination...

Intelligent adult or not, there is only so much shit a person can take before a break down.

And if the question is "if things were so bad for gay people, and Medic knew that, why did he make a move on Heavy before being 100% sure that Heavy was into men?" the answer can be simply that Heavy is repressed and was sending signals.

27 .

I just want more heartbreaking confrontations between Medic and Heavy that leave me on the edge of my seat.

Oh and team drama. Lots of team drama. Because I know there's totally going to be a lot of it and I cannot wait.

28 .

Oh, and on another note, love the insults of Soldier.

29 .

Ahhh again thank you guys for the kind comments and constructive criticism! I am taking it all into consideration and have put the "incident" that started the mess in this chapter instead of much later like I'd planned to because, haha, I suck at making things unambiguous and end up confusing people! SO. Here is chapter 2, and once again I hope it doesn't suck!


After composing himself, Medic thought back to that morning, examining the interaction between himself and the Heavy, trying to determine how something he thought so innocent could have been construed by Heavy as an attack. They had met before the fight, as they usually did, to discuss strategy and pump each other up for the battle. Taunts turned to laughter, which turned to touching, which turned to one of those lingering gazes they so often found themselves trapped in, but this time Medic hadn’t had the good sense to turn away.

It had been so simple, but so stupid, upon reflection, but even then, Medic couldn’t have foreseen what was to happen. He and Heavy had forged a strong friendship through their teamwork, having similar interests, but not so similar as to make conversation boring: A shared love of chess but different tactics; an appreciation for classical music but different composers. Medic tried to sharpen Heavy’s English while the other attempted to teach simple Russian phrases, both laughing at the other’s pronunciation until they were satisfied with the results.

Their interaction was easy, almost seamless. Heavy was a good listener and Medic was a good talker. Russian custom permitted them to touch each other a great deal more than Medic was accustomed to, and thinking back, perhaps that was all their interactions had been: custom, colored by hope and longing on the Doctor’s part. But the look Heavy gave him in the moments before their lips touched, and the way his hand had gripped Medic’s just a little bit tighter when the kiss began to deepen--surely that had been more than just friendly?

That hope had shattered when Heavy abruptly pulled away, face red, expression unreadable. When Medic reached out for him, concerned, his response was a fist to his face, by some small miracle missing his glasses but still connecting high on his cheek, pain erupting like a sobering firework. Medic immediately retracted his hand, grasping his bruised skin, embarrassed and ashamed. “I’m sorry,” he managed, unable to bring himself to look at the other‘s face, “I will leave you alone unless you choose to speak to me. Forgive me. Forget this happened, please.” When he found himself babbling apologies and promises, he hurried away. He did not see the conflicted look on Heavy’s face, or the hand that reached for him as he walked away.

He felt like an idiot, he felt misled, but deeper than that, he felt afraid. He knew what could happen to him--what had happened to him before--if the others found out. He could only hope his friendship with the Heavy meant more than that; that the other man would speak to him first or at least have the decency to ignore him forever, rather than tell the rest of the team.

He was so wrong. Not only had Heavy told them, he had lied about it, in Medic’s mind, turning what had been a simple mistake that he had apologized for into some sort of assault, effectively turning him into not only a “filthy homosexual” to the rest of the team but a monster besides. He was too tired to think deeply about what could have caused the other man to turn on him so abruptly. Perhaps tomorrow he would try to seek him out to determine what had gone so horribly wrong, but for the night, he was hungry, having missed dinner for obvious reasons.

He tried to sneak to the dining hall, but Soldier, who seemed to have been patrolling the halls, cornered him to let him know the new “rules”. He was not allowed to be alone with anyone, even (perhaps especially) during medical examinations. He had a scheduled shower time, so the rest of the team knew to avoid the bathroom lest they be peeped on or accosted. He had to stay at least arm’s length away from everyone at all times. During battle, he was free to do as he needed, but was warned he would be watched.

But, Soldier added, with a generous smile, everyone had agreed not to physically harm him during off-hours. He said this as though it were a favor, not a provision in their contracts deeming intentional infliction of serious harm on teammates grounds for immediate dismissal. The Spy, who flanked Soldier quite obviously as part of the rule about never being alone with anyone, smirked at Medic sardonically and flicked the burning ash of his cigarette a bit too close to the German. Medic did not flinch, and bid them good day.

Despite the promise of “no physical harm” befalling him, Medic quickly realized that the team’s intention seemed to be to goad him into throwing the first punch. They could then claim self defense and keep their jobs while the sexual deviant was ejected from the base. The only time Medic felt “safe” from the taunting was during battle, when the others were too otherwise focused on achieving their objective. It did not save him during set-up time, however.

The morning after his confrontation with the team, while waiting in Resupply for the battle to start, Pyro seemed to think it was hilarious to keep the fire of his flame thrower focused on Medic. Because they were incapable of harming each other on the field, it did little more than annoy the Doctor. When the laughter of the others began to grate on him, he turned to the masked man and fixed him with a glare. “Stop that. It is not harming me, making it utterly pointless. Honestly, you are like a child.”

Spy laughed behind him and placed a hand on the other man’s shoulder. “Oh come now, Docteur,” he said, cigarette poking from the edge of his smirk, “it is a joke. Don’t you get it?” Spy leaned in conspiratorially, whispering the punch line: “Faggots are for burning.”

Spy laughed obnoxiously as Medic’s face turned red, then cloaked as the gates opened. Screw the Medigun. The German charged out with his Amputator, determined to bring pain to the counterparts of every one of his team members.

30 .



I think it works here.

So long as the follow up is adequate to it.

31 .

And... I was ridiculously excited to see this was updated for reals.

Nice job of raising the tension/feeling of general un-safety Medic is having, and thanks for giving us the backstory early-- it seemed to work there really well, it didn't feel like you were shoehorning in part of a later chapter.

Oh, Medic... you are breaking my heart here. (But let's see how the team likes getting along without any heals for the day...)

32 .

Man, this is heartbreaking to read. Everyone treating Medic like he's some monster with a disease. And not a friend in the world to make the pain any easier. Jeez. Can't wait for the next update.

33 .

If I were in this situation, I would cry. I almost cried just reading this chapter. Medic is stronger than I am.

34 .

Leave 'm to die medic LEAVE 'M TO DIE !

And heavy. Please stop being stupid. You are thrice as big as any person on the team, you of all people would be safe from harrasment ! GAH ! This is so sad...

35 .

Ow, my heart. Ohh Medic. This is heartwrenching and akjasd and I love, just love the image of Medic charging out into the heat of battle with bonesaw, blood-streaked and burning with humiliation and anger and hurt inside.

36 .

Ohh, boy. This. This is really, really good. I just.. Hrgh this is very hard to read, but I love every moment of it. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Damn team. Just. Fucking. UGH. Please update again soon.

37 .

I'm sorry. I feel for Medic, but just the way I see the Spy telling the joke, I laughed out loud.

38 .

People can be so mean. Medic should have brought up the 'fag' Spy always seems to have in his mouth.

39 .

Oh man oh man... Medic. My heart.

This situation *sucks*. (** used for emphasis, not an action, don't ban me.) I agree with Anne. Let's see how the damn team likes it without heals. At least, without heals except a dispenser. And I hope the enemy spy saps the hell out of it.

Heavy. You are not stupid. Why the bloody frick did you tell the rest of the idiots you work with? FIX IT.

And Spy...grrr. I hope he gets set on fire SO many times by the enemy Pyro, seriously. Although I admit that that comment hit a little too close for me. I ain't exactly from the most open-minded state in the US of A... and hate crimes still happen here. Spy's comment seems as much a threat as a joke...

40 .

Oh no. Ragequit healing never works out in the end. Just gives the bastards more reason to hate you; call you out on your lack of skills.

Very interested to see how the team will take this.

41 .

I wonder if RED is going to notice BLU Medic seems to have gone completely berserk.

42 .

Maybe an unlikely ally will turn up on RED team?

43 .


This would actually be very nice to see. I prefer to think of Medics, especially, as being specifically observant about what goes on on enemy teams during battles. If the RED Medic saw his BLU counterpart NOT with the BLU Heavy, that right there would be a big clue something was wrong. Plus, if BLU Medic spends this whole battle as a beserker and not a healer, that'd be another huge flag. I'd love to see RED Medic and Heavy corner him and the Medic get his counterpart to talk.

Not saying that you have to do this. I just... I dunno, I guess I like the idea of...how to put this, the idea of a common decency between those of the same class when one sees something going terribly wrong with the other.

44 .

Shameless bump - this can't fall off the first page, it's too good!

45 .

My chapters are always so short whoops I'm sorry.

Thank you guys again for the kind comments! And >>44 thanks for the bump but sadly I don't update very quickly (this is actually probably the fastest I've ever updated any fic ever) so I don't want to get people's hopes up or clutter the first page haha.

Bluh but yes thanks for the support and I hope you enjoy!


After more trips through Respawn than he could remember taking in a single battle, Medic switched from his saw to his Medigun. It disgusted him to heal these men who hated him so, but with his bloodlust sated, he thought he should perform his main function for a while. God knew if they lost the blame would be saddled squarely on his shoulders. He took no satisfaction in bringing a teammate back from near-death, or even charging them; as he turned cold blue metallic, his only delight was in the feel of bullets bouncing off his own skin, wishing for an instant that his calculations were off and one could pierce the heart of his patient. His own death would be satisfying, then, to have caused that of someone else.

Barring this, he could remember the feeling of sinking the metal teeth of his saw into their doppelganger’s skin, imagining the red of the enemy team’s uniforms to be blood, watching the life drain from their faces and their eyes turn glassy before Respawn claimed the corpse. He had managed to kill nearly every RED at least once, and the Scout several times over. He had cornered his own counterpart at one point; stared into eyes exactly like his as he slit the other doctor’s throat, carved up his chest, thinking he could cut the sickness out of them once and for all. He had even charged recklessly straight at the RED Heavy; sunk his saw into the man’s gut with a sickly satisfying squelch before succumbing to minigun fire and awakening on the other side of the battlefield.

By the grace of God, his team won, saving him from at least some ridicule. As he deposited things in his locker in Resupply, he tried to ignore the looks of the others and the whispers that floated around him. Heavy, whom Medic healed more than he had the day before but not as much as he usually did, stood near him for a moment. He seemed to want to say something, but when Medic finally looked at him, the larger man caught the eye of someone else and stepped away. Turning around, Medic saw the Sniper give him a particularly callous grin. Medic dropped his bag, straightened his posture, and went to the infirmary as quickly as he was able. Whatever Heavy had wanted to say, Medic decided he did not want to hear.

The sanctuary of his office did not last long. Despite the “no one can be alone with Medic” rule, Scout managed to break away and find him. Sitting in the chair in front of Medic’s desk, he propped his filthy cleats up on scientific papers and tossed a baseball around while Medic attempted to read.

“Ya really make me sick, ya know that?” he said, as though starting a casual conversation, “gettin’ with dudes. Disgusting piece ‘a shit. And not only that, but the freakin’ Heavy, man? Thought someone like you would have taste. I mean geeze, look at me!” He flexed his barely-visible biceps, trying to get Medic’s attention, but the older man did not so much as look up.

“Herr Scout, please get out of my office. You are not supposed to be here.” If they had no other purpose, he thought, the ridiculous rules could at least rid him of the loud-mouthed child.

“Psh. What, ya gonna tell on me?” He waved the request away, then leaned in. “I’ll just tell everyone you tried ta rape me. Like I said, look at me. What self-respectin’ fag wouldn’t?” He tried to flex his pectorals this time, unsuccessfully. The image of one of the RED Scout’s many deaths rose unbidden into Medic’s mind.

Medic sighed and folded his hands, eyes closed, unsure if he wanted to will the thought away or not. “Doing that would serve no purpose other than to get everyone further riled up. I am sure the Administrator would know you were lying, so it would not get me kicked off the team, and it would still be against the rules of our contracts to harm me. It would only make your further look like an idiot, not that you need any help there.”

Scout stared at him for a moment, eyebrows drawn in a glare as he processed the reasoning. When he couldn’t think of a retort, he threw his baseball over the Medic’s head, barely missing a dove and shattering a few glass jars. Before Medic could stand and scream at him, Scout ran from the room, the words “cock-sucking faggot” lingering in the air longer than the boy had.

Dinner was its own torture. Medic was hesitant to even go, considering the assault he’d faced the night before, but his stomach protested, not having eaten since the morning. He resolved wait until the others would be done eating, grab something, and return to his lab. Naturally, it could not be that simple. While the room was mostly empty, it was clear a few had been waiting for him to turn up. Demoman, Spy, Sniper and Engineer were sitting at the table and stopped mid-conversation to stare at him as he entered.. He wanted very much to turn back around and go to bed hungry, but his pride would not allow him. Steeling himself, he strode to the refrigerator, grabbing things blindly as he made a plate for himself. Not turning around, he could feel someone’s presence very close behind him, almost touching but not quite.

“Now what’s a wee lass like you doin’ here so late?” came Demoman’s voice. Medic could feel it on the back of his neck; smell the rancid stink of whisky on his breath. It made him want to gag, but he said nothing, shoveling cold mashed potatoes onto his plate. “What’s the matter, miss? Fag got your tongue? Or are you learnin’ ladies should be seen and not heard?” His chuckle was deep and made the air between them vibrate dangerously, adding to the menacing chorus of laughter from Sniper and Spy. Medic placed the leftovers back into the refrigerator and slammed the door, intent on escaping as quickly as possible, but found himself trapped between the counter and the other man. “Where do you think you’re goin’? We’re not done with you yet.”

Medic tensed, hand reflexively holding his fork like a weapon under the plate. His gaze flicked to the Demoman’s eye which glinted with the promise of something unspeakable. Spy and Sniper hovered ominously in the background. Medic suddenly felt far less confident in the promise of no harm befalling him.

When a hand grabbed his chin, yanking it roughly upward to be at eye-level with the taller man, Engineer finally made his presence known. “That’s enough, boys, I think you shook him up plenty,” he called, voice wavering on the edge of authoritative and unsure. “Why don’t y’all go on to bed. We got another battle in the mornin’, ya know?” Medic would have relaxed if he were not still in Demoman’s grip. He had considered Engineer a friend, being the closest to his intellectual equal. He may not have agreed with all his methods, but professional disagreement was rarely a bad thing in Medic’s eyes, and it heartened him to see the other still held some shred of respect for him; enough to spare him from a beating or some worse fate if not to defend him entirely.

Demoman rolled his eye in concession and jerked Medic’s head to the side to whisper in his ear. “Ya won’t always have a bloody sympathizer with ya, lassie. And we’ll find ya then.”

“Demo. C’mon,” Engineer said a little more quietly, and the taller male let go of Medic’s face as harshly as he’d grabbed it and walked away. The three others followed him out the door, with Engineer straggling behind, giving Medic a conciliatory smile. Medic could only nod in response, deciding to eat in the dining hall instead, lest he be cornered in the hallways.

46 .

Yay and update!



47 .

I hate this story.
I really do.

And yet that's what keeps bringing me back.

Good chapter, sir or m'am.

48 .

You'd better keep updating this regularly or we'll put the whip to you.

Uh, I mean.... keep up the good work! It's interesting to see a less sympathetic reaction from the rest of the team.

49 .

>>47 haha I'm... flattered?? Thanks! And I will answer to either.

50 .


Oh Medic... jesus this makes my heart hurt.

As for Engie, I dunno what to think of him right now. He may have stepped in at the last moment to avoid a...something, but dammit, Engie, if you don't agree with what's going on then don't wait til the last minute!

Heavy. Dude. Head out of ass, please.

This story gets such a strong reaction out of me!! You're writing it so well, and making it hurt sooooo good! Keep it up, or I'm gonna get the screws.

...You were warned.

51 .

You're making me whimper.

I'll just sit here consumed with worry until you update again.

52 .


Seconding that.

I hate reading about meanness and misery, but seeing basically all of the TF2 cast this way is a novelty that I'm not willing to miss out on. But it hurts to read.

53 .

Must. Have. More.

54 .

This is a really interesting change to the usual h/m stuff where they just get together and nobody minds, keep up the good work! And yes, so much pity for medic right now, poor guy can't even have some food in peace...

55 .

This is why I love fanfiction. We get to have all flavors of the frikkin rainbow. Down to the extremes like this. It's a pity he's bunking with assassins, it means instead of hushed whispers, he's going to get people who are waayyy more abrasive.

Also, Heavy is totally crushing on him, bahahah.

56 .

Interesting chapter. This is just the pervert in me thinking, but Scout kind of came off as being curious about Medic and his homosexuality. Normally, if you were truly repulsed by someone, you probably wouldn't voluntarily be alone with them out of boredom. lol

I felt like Demo was really out of character, though. During the War update, we saw that he's a really sensitive guy who values friendship and becomes extremely emotional over perceived betrayal of that trust. He's being seriously bad in this chapter, and it's hard for me to imagine. For goodness sake, he's a black Scottish cyclops; I think he of all people understands what it feels like to be shunned for being different.
Just my opinion.

Conversely, I'm almost disappointed that Engie is the 'nice' guy here. No no, it's a good thing, because we've seen that cannonly, he's a polite man who uses violence as a last resort even when people are being very disrespectful to him, despite that he could knock their block off at any time. Mean Engineer can be fun, and because he's from Texas in the 60's, it's pretty much a given that he'd be inclined to dislike homosexuality, but it's perfectly believable that he'd be the first to stand up and tell everyone to stop acting like a pack of animals over nothing.

Now, Heavy. I won't be satisfied if he simply comes to a painful realization that he is gay and loves Medic. That's not good enough. He either has to DO something major to rectify the situation created among the team, or else just agonize over it a lot. This can't go on forever; he has to man up and pay a penance to his friend.

57 .

Whipped and screwed, my goodness, this chan knows how to party!

>>56 Thanks for the constructive comments! To be honest, it is difficult for me to write some characters as homophobic more than others. I think the reason Soldier and Scout are so often portrayed as the emphatically homophobic team members is because it's very easy to imagine, because Soldier is the epitome of American machismo and Scout's a smarmy little bastard.

The rest of the team does strike me as the kind who would be less hostile and/or not give a fuck, but I think the elements of "not only is Medic a yucky gay, he also attacked a team member and tried to lie about it, so who knows what else he's laying about; maybe he is a Nazi after all" swirling around into rumors that can only get worse would set the fence-sitters more firmly on the "this guy are sick" side. Depending on the character, it can be construed as a betrayal to the team. I mean, sexually assaulting a team member? What kind of respect does that demonstrate to his fellow team members?

I have plans for everyone; I have plans to explain their actions more as well as Medic's, and certainly Heavy's. All I can say is stick around and wait for the resolution as it unfolds.

58 .

I'm with >>56 on this and while I also understand what you're saying Joannad, I think it would have been better if you could have added that into the chapter. (Hindsight is 50/50 though.) Accusing him of being a Nazi is of course losing them the arguement but it's understandable and realistic and it successfully dehumanizes the Medic into a monster. Not to mention he's German, that's possibly the first insult that would come to mind... even if it's the most extreme.

My key problem is actually more about how Demo said it than anything else. I know that in the game they all have several insults that call their opponents women. But to hear Demo equate the Medic to a woman and then say "should be seen and not heard" kind of pushes it too hard for me. The man lives with his old blind mother and, even when she's nagging at him, he doesn't really ignore her. For that reason, I feel it's too out of character for him. I also personally think Sniper and Spy should have been more directly involved in the threat, since they're doing this out of fear and becoming a small mob would be only natural, but perhaps that would have been too much.

In general, the scene as it was honestly made me think they were going to rape him if Engie hadn't spoken up, considering they equated him to a woman and were threatening violence without stating what sort of violence. That was what really unnerved me. I'm not saying it's impossible but I'm just the sort with a knee-jerk reaction to seeing any of them presented as rapists (because I love all of them and being a rapist isn't exactly admirable.)

Also following along with >>56's train of thought, it might have been interesting if Engie had been going along with them until they made him uncomfortable and then he put a stop to it.

I'm eager to read more but that is my two cents worth.

59 .

The Demo thing can SORTA be justified, since the Demoman characterized is the RED Demo, not the BLU Demo.


60 .

the red Demoman is Tavish, Jane was the BLU soldier

61 .

... I feel stupid. I forgot this was BLU and not RED so, ultimately, we don't know precisely what this Demo is like.

Even so, what Demo said gave me rape vibes and thus it still gave me a stronger case of the creeps because of that. Which might have been the author's intent, I don't know. Regardless, I still dislike any of these characters being portrayed as rapists and if it does come to that (maybe unlikely but nowhere near impossible) I'm not entirely certain how I'll feel about the story, though I'll continue to read it to see what happens and how.

But thank you for reminding me. That was a large blunder on my part.

62 .

>>61 I noticed the rape vibes too. I just happen to like rape vibes, so I didn't complain about them. So you're not completely alone.

63 .

Drive-by comment but just saying it now: there won't be any rape!

64 .

Just dropping in my two cents here, but the person who really made me edgy in this bit wasn't actually Demoman. Demo...I tend to automatically dismiss a lot of the more "dangerous" things he says, simply because of the alcohol. Being the granddaughter of a violent-talking alcoholic, I know that that particular addiction can very much make you threaten things that, when sober, you would never have the balls to pull off.

No, the man who really gave me a bad feeling was Engineer. He came across in this as... an enabler. Someone who knows that what is going on is against the rules, and has no desire to get busted, but has no problem living vicariously through others who aren't so cautious. He sat and *watched* Medic get threatened, and even made a point of saying he knew what they were up to and what was going on. "I think you shook him up plenty." But he didn't make any move to stop it until it started to look like he might be an accessory to rule-breaking. I don't trust that smile he threw Medic for a moment. I generally like Engie. But in this, I feel like he is almost more dangerous than the ones who are open and vocal about their hate.

Perhaps it's because so many hate crimes against gays start with someone the victim thought was an ally.

65 .

Scary stuff. I got chills just reading your comment.

I pretty much second everything you said, including the part about assuming all Demos were the RED Demo.

66 .

I've read this when it first started and been scrolling past the comment box always wanting to say something and now I will lol.

I really like how grounded this story is. I like the fact that not every single man on the team is somehow gay (not that it's a bad thing lol) but it's written really realistically with the way Medic is going through these emotional bursts. I like how you keep each personality so different and strong; with scout being an obnoxious kid, heavy being somewhat timid at this point, etc etc.

And I /really/ can't wait until the drama between them unfolds, Heavy and Medic that is. It's going to be delicious!

Very good work and I'm glad to see it updating regularly (:

67 .


I hadn't considered that maybe it was just the alcohol talking. Does that mean that when drunk they still might do it but that it's unlikely because they're still mostly all bark and no bite?

OMG, your explanation for Engie is horrifying and probably correct. I hadn't even considered that when I suggested it might have been interesting if Engie had been going along with them until they made him uncomfortable and then he put a stop to it. Because you're right, he technically WAS. He didn't say anything until then. Ugh. That is so terrible and yet so perfect. I really hope he doesn't end up hurting Medic worse than everyone else does.

Damn it. This is all so very hard to read but so wonderful for that same reason.

68 .

Man, this is so well written and gripping and I really want to know what happens, and who thinks what and how each individual reacts to the situations... but I simply can't read it.

God speed to you woman, but you make bullying and potential harm so realized and imminent (respectively). Continue with your brand of awesome, I'm sure there are others with stronger dispositions than I that are loving the hell out of it.

69 .

My heart hurts because of this story. It's so hard to keep reading because the team is just so incredibly cruel, but I NEED to know what happens next!

Hrrrgh, please keep writing.

70 .

Hate to bump I really do, but I want to see the resolution to this so badly.

71 .

Bump of great justice. I would love to see this finished. It is too good to let die.

72 .

I second everyone who says that this is cruel and heart-wrenching and everything, because. DAMN.
Loving Engie for stepping in there and eternally hating Demo.
Fuck, really, reading this hurts. But I can't stop and dang, I'd really love some updates.

73 .

demand moaaarr ! i love this more than my first born puppy !

74 .

You...you shouldn't have done that...
I'm gonna have to go cry some rage-tears before I get around to killing you with my bare hands.
Seriously, dude. Learn to sage, it'll save you a shitload of internet backdraft.

75 .

Imagine my happiness when TWO of my favorite stories appeared on top of the board ! I was ecstatic !

And then, I was crushed. You probably disappointed dozens if not hundreds of people by bumping this story ! It doesn't help anyone, so please don't bump !

Put sage into the email field before commenting !

76 .

lol if hundreds of people are upset by a fake bump to this fic I will quit out of sheer intimidation.

I swear though I am working on the next chapter. So uh, nobody needs to bump it. I haven't forgotten!!

77 .

Oh, joannad

Thank you for your reassurance that there will be more.
This fic is amazing. Painful to read as it is as raw as life can be, with similar miscreants and villains. (Tarea is right about bystanders with vicarious/puppetmaster tendencies. They get so scarily worked up with it.)

I can only hope it works out for Medic. Please update soon!

78 .

Aw. This struck a couple chords with me.

First, I'd like to say that this strikingly reminds me of To Kill A Mockingbird, as it centers around discrimination and injustice (in that case, race rather than orientation) - particularly how the accuser in that story was a white girl with a crush on a black guy, and took out her frustration at his fearful rejection by accusing him of raping her and earning the poor man the hatred of the entire town and eventually death.

Secondly, it reminds on a more personal level of my freshman year in college, living about a wall and door down from a snarky girl who caused all sorts of drama wherever she went. (She was like a brattier female version of Scout, no lie. She was a total tomboy who took her running very seriously and constantly picked fights with her ex-prom queen roommate.)
She would go oddly out of her way sometimes to make scathing homophobic remarks, which drove me (more to the "farther" end of bisexual at the time than I am now) up the wall and made me feel so insecure in my new home populated by already conservative girls. There were nights I'd restlessly think up classic what-ifs, like being avoided at the bathroom/showers, or treated as some sort of perverse freak, or having Bible verses thrown at me, etc. if they viewed me as "queer," and I was forced to angry tears at the injustice and discomfort in my own skin.

(Epilogue: Floormates turn out kind and accepting, said girl drops out due to immaturity, lesbian floormate informs me later of finding that girl huffing out a sidelong exclamation online of being "bisexual, of course." Repressed indeed. As lesbian friend replied while shaking her head, "Way to make [us] feel like shit.")

SMH at people covering up their own self-hatred/insecurity by projecting hate on and creating more insecurity for others.

Good fic so far, of course. As mentioned above, all too real.

[captcha: realtit]

79 .

I really wish the author would continue this fic. It's unique to Medic/Heavy fics, and indeed any fic I've read here. The writing is very engaging, and it would be a shame for the story to have stalled. Author, please don't be intimidated by your readers!

80 .

oh shit guys im back and i bring you MORE PAIN actually just a really short chapter to say hey im not dead and i didnt forget this story!!! lots of personal stuff the past few months, depression, family, holidays, stress at work, yadda yadda, but im in a place where i feel like writing again so HERE WE GO (also i changed my handle from joannad to joe d just fyi)


Shaken but not shattered, Medic made it back to his office, plate in hand, though he didn’t feel quite as hungry anymore. Archimedes managed to shove his beak into the lukewarm mashed potatoes before Medic noticed and pushed him away. The bird cooed in an annoyed manner, but stayed close. As the doctor finally lifted a forkful of meat-like substance to his mouth, there was a knock at the door. He immediately cursed under his breath.

“It’s me, Doc,” Engineer called through the door, “can I come in?”

Medic let out a relieved sigh. At least it wasn’t the damned Scout again, or one of the teammates who had accosted him in the kitchen. And Engineer had defended him. “Ja, Engineer, you may come in,” he called back, tone professional.

The mechanic entered and removed his hardhat, holding it in front of him as a gesture of respect. His eyes were unreadable behind the dark goggles, however. “Much obliged, Doc. I just wanted to have a little chat with you.”

“Of course. Sit, bitte,” Medic answered, gesturing to the chair across from his desk. Engineer nodded and sat, setting his hat in his lap.

“I just wanted to let you know, I’m on your side here.”

“Thank Gott someone is.”

“Sure. And I wanted to let you know, I don’t really think you “attacked” the Heavy. Made a move, maybe, but attacking him, well, that’d just be plum foolish of you! Little guy like you against a big fella like him.” Engineer chuckled. Medic cracked his knuckles.

“Well, thank you. While I think I could hold my ground against him, I would likely not survive a direct assault and would not initiate one.”

Engineer chuckled again. “Whatever you say, Doc.”

“Yes.” There was a pause. “I am glad to know you are on my side, though. Danke.”

“Sure thing, Medic. You seem like a good guy, and I hate seein’ good people wrongfully accused.” Engineer smiled and nodded his head again. “But,” he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, “well, I’m worried about you.”

Medic rolled his eyes. “If it is about the way the others are treating me, I assure you I am fine, Herr Engineer.”

“No, it’s not that. I mean, I know they’re bein’ real… aggressive, but I don’t think they’d really hurt you. What I’m worried about is…” he let out a harsh sigh, “your immortal soul.”

Medic lifted an eyebrow. “What.”

“Have you heard the word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“…I was raised Lutheran, Herr Engineer.”

“Well, then, you know!” Engineer said excitably, slapping his knee. “You admitted you’re a--a homosexual; you gotta know you’re headin’ down the wrong path!”

“We. Kill. People. Every day. How is that worse than loving someone?”

“That’s different! They come back! What you’re doin’… that’s an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. You’re perverting the grand design of the universe. “Be fruitful and multiply,” but how can you do that if you’re takin’ it from another man? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Overpopulation. The Baby Boom after the War--”

“The spread of disease! You’re puttin’ your johnson in some mighty unclean places--”

“Condoms, other safe sex methods, and the human colon is not actually that--why am I even trying….”

“The lifestyle you’re leadin’ sends boys down a bad path of promiscuity and danger. And these are all practical problems, ones you wouldn’t face if you were with a woman. It’s just the way God intended things.” His tone softened and he looked at the older man with concern and the best intentions. “I’d really hate to see you get hurt on account of something like this, Medic. You’re a good man with a good soul; don’t let the homosexual cult steal it from you.”

Medic stood, looking down at the Texan over the rim of his glasses, eyes hard. “If you have come here to lecture me about God, do not bother. I lost my faith years ago, precisely because of people like you.”

“But Doc--”

“I told you, do not bother. If you have nothing else to say, get out,” Medic commanded, not backing down.

Engineer set his jaw, chewing on a response for a moment, before standing, grip on his hardhat white-knuckled at his side as he pointed indignantly into Medic’s face. “Fine,” he bit out, “but this ain’t over. Just remember, I was on your side.” With that, he left, but ever the gentleman, did not slam the door.

Sitting back down angrily, Medic shoved the meat still on the fork into his mouth. Noticing it had gone cold, he immediately spit it out and threw down his fork. “Scheisse,” he muttered, ignoring Archimedes as he came to prod once again at the potatoes.

81 .

“Have you heard the word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”
Am I cruel for laughing really hard?

82 .

no that line is always hilarious

83 .

WAS on your side... oh dear

84 .

I came in my pants finding out you updated. I kinda like the angle you gave Engineer, he may have 11 PhDs but it doesn't sound like any of those are in human biology and he did grow up in Texas. Meanwhile Medic probably did have to go through a lot since even though he's a doctor he grew up in the years leading up to Nazi Germany and they did not have a good view of homosexuals either.

85 .

"Oh yes Engineer is on Medic's side. Finally Medic has a friend-- wait WAIT LOL."

I laughed pretty hard then felt bad about it. Poor Medic.

Also, so happy this fic is still alive.

86 .

Am I horrible for laughing through this entire chapter the second I hit "the word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ"? I did not see that coming. Poor Medic though, seriously.

87 .

I like how Engineer is talking about Medic "influencing boys" and how he should be with a woman when NONE OF THESE THINGS are available at BLU base.

88 .

Fun Fact: "Have you heard the word of the Lord" is a great way to end conversations with obnoxious cab drivers.

89 .

Already read/squealed over/cried over this at tumblr, came to drop a word here.

I am really loving this. Especially Medic's unimpressed Lutheran reaction to Engineer's opening there.

Also hoo boy... I am not looking forward to the escalation of Medic's problems here. By which I mean, I am absolutely looking forward to it.

90 .

Hah. Oh, Engie. This chapter made me laugh because my mother is just like that.

I'm REALLY glad this fic isn't dead though, i was really hoping it would be back. I can't wait for more!

91 .

So...is this EVER gonna be continued?

92 .

>>91 I will kill you. You have broken my Medic-sympathizing heart.

93 .

Wow, this fic is wonderful! Please, dear author, do go on!

94 .



95 .

Yeeesh, all I did was ask one lousy question! Is there any need to rip my head off?!

And what do you mean by "sage"? What do herbs have to do with anything?

96 .

you must be new here.
put the word, "sage" in the email field so the post is not bumped to the top of the board. Then people won't thing it updated.

97 .

You should read the rules before posting (A Moderator's Note - Please Read, second post down), they explain what saging is and how to do it precisely so that people don't necrobump like this.

98 .

I got excited thinking maybe there was an update.
So sad right now.

99 .

Another broken heart here

100 .

(If I didn't do the sage, you all may kill me.)
I have loved this and dearly hope you continue! There's not a lot of unique stuff like this fanfic out there.
Also, I too laughed hyterically at the "Have you heard the Word" bit.

101 .

*ugly sobbing*

102 .

I thought it updated *cries*

103 .

Thank you, Harley, for another outrageous necrobump. It's pretty funny how that's pretty much all we get these days. Nevertheless I'm disappointed this wasn't a real update.

104 .

I got reading this and I was truly glued to this fic. It has so many unique themes. I actually am intrigued by the homophobic characterizations and I was sad to see how long it's been since an update. Does anyone know of any other fics with similar themes that I can wet my appetite with?
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