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No. 2012
Scout was nervous as he approached the Soldier's quarters. Although the Boston boy considered himself an expert in unpredictable violence, the Soldier was in a class by himself. Why had he ordered the Scout to report to his bunk at twenty-one hundred hours was a worrying mystery. The young man barged in, nervously cracking his knuckles.

"Who goes there?!" the Soldier boomed, pinning the Scout to the wall with a forearm across his throat.

"Gak- just- me!"

The Soldier regarded him suspiciously from under his helmet at a distance of six inches. "Open your mouth, maggot!"

Scout obeyed, gasping for air. The Soldier sniffed mightily, glared at the Scout, and dropped him. "When entering my quarters, you WILL knock, state your name, rank and mission, and you WILL await permission to enter!"

"What in Hell was that about?" The Scout coughed as he rubbed his throat.

"Spy check, maggot! You could have been anyone! But Spies' breath smells of cigarettes and cheese! Your breath smells of the beany-wieners from the mess hall! There is more than one way to identify a Spy!"

"But you told me to come here!"

"And you don't think a Spy could have uncovered that information, maggot?!"

"Why did you want me to come here?"

"I take a personal interest in the well-being of each of the men under my command, maggot! In your own time: be seated and have a cookie, chocolate chip, and milk, dunking, for use of."

"Uh... yes sir?" That seemed to please the Soldier- as the Scout sat down, the hard line of the older man's mouth took on a satisfied angle rather than its usual disgusted tilt.

"Tell me, private, how old are you?" The Soldier sat down and dunked a cookie in his milk with his usual military precision.

"Nineteen. Sir." The Scout threw in the honorific again because it seemed to calm the Soldier from his usual state of frothing psychosis.

"And tell me, private, are you a virgin?"

"The Hell?"

"Answer me, maggot!" Suddenly, the Soldier was six inches from Scout's face again, his crazed little eyes drilling into the Scout's brain.

"Sir, yes, sir!" the Scout confessed in his terror.

"That's a shame, private, a damn shame." The Soldier sat down and put his hand on the Scout's knee. "Old enough to fight and die for your country, too young for the pleasures of love."

Oh shit. The Scout had heard about this kind of thing. Some older guy starts acting all friendly, then he complains about how there aren't any women around, next thing you know you're biting a pillow and trying not to scream while he calls you Margaret.

"Uhh, yeah..." the Scout edged away. "But, heh, best not to think about it, I mean, what're you gonna do about it out here?" Fuck, wrong choice of words, ass rape in five... the Scout got ready to run.

"YOU CAN HUMP MY RUMP, MAGGOT!" The Soldier's bark made the Scout jump.

"You... what now?" Scout's eyes were so wide they were apt to fall out of his skull.

"Situational homosexuality, maggot! A battlefield substitute for the comforts of women! Prevents the men from visiting prostitutes, who spread disease and may be Spies! You are in danger of catching flies, private, so shut that jaw!"

The Scout obediently shut his gaping mouth. "But... uh. Sir." He threw out the word as a sop and a stopgap, unable to think of any response at all.

"That's right, private! I am your commanding officer and I command you to drop trou!" The Soldier noted the Scout's hesitation. "On the double, private, or I'll tear 'em off you with my teeth!"

The Soldier looked absolutely crazy enough to do it, too, so the Scout began to unbutton his fly, stalling for time.

"Uh, look... Sir. I um. I don't really want to... I mean..."

"WHAT?!" The Soldier was suddenly apoplectic again. "Don't WANT to?! Of course you want to! You're a man, aren't you? So I expect you to grit your teeth and fuck me up the ass like a man, damn you, not faint like a blushing bride waiting around for her wedding night!"

While baffled by this line of reasoning, the Scout noticed something terrible. He had thought that the locker room was the worst possible place in the world to get a boner. He had been wrong.

"That's the spirit, private!" The Soldier clapped him on the shoulder and stripped off his own clothing. The Scout couldn't help but stare- the Soldier was a mass of battle-scarred muscle, covered in wiry, greying hair. His cock was immense, and pointed at Scout more menacingly than any rocket-launcher ever had. "Tell me, private, do you know the proper operation of your weapon?"

"My... what?" the Scout squeaked embarrassingly.

"Your johnson, maggot! I surmise that you do NOT! Therefore, I will show you!" The Soldier dropped into training mode. "Like any other weapon, your johnson requires proper maintenance! This includes lubrication!" He grabbed a jar of Vaseline. "Apply with firm, even strokes! Both directions! Pulling only is what the Japanese do! Do you want to turn Japanese?!" The Soldier scooped out a handful of Vaseline and started jacking the Scout's cock. The Scout had not managed to find much privacy in the fort, and he couldn't help but respond to the touch of those leathery hands. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MAGGOT, DO YOU WANT TO TURN JAPANESE?!"

"SIR NO SIR!" The Scout thought he might pass out. For all that the Soldier was crazier than a shithouse rat, what he was doing felt really, really good.

"That's RIGHT, private! Now, are you prepared for combat?!" The Soldier suddenly stopped stroking the Scout's cock.

The Scout was gasping with need, his dick was rock-hard, and all rational thought had fled. He was prepared for just about anything, as long as it involved his dick. So he had to stick it up the Soldier's butt. There were worse options. "SIR YES SIR!"

"You damn well better be!" The Soldier turned around, bent over and braced himself on the bed. "PREEE-SENT ARMS! Forward MARCH!"

His stomach rolling with excitement and terror, Scout put his greased-up cock against the Soldier's asshole. The man looked like he could crack walnuts with his buttcheeks. This wasn't quite how Scout had imagined his first time.

"What are you waiting for, private? Move up, move upNGH!" The Soldier took the younger man's cock all the way to the hilt with no more protest than that. Later, the Scout would have cause to wonder how much practise the Soldier had needed to develop that skill, but at present he was occupied by the hot tightness around his cock. It was amazing and unbearable and he had no idea what to do next. Something in his hips seemed to take over thinking for him, though, and he pistoned smoothly in and out of the older man.

"That's it! You're doing a man's work now, private!"

"Ungh!" The Soldier's ass clenched as he barked out the commands, giving the Scout a new set of sensations with which to contend.

"Move it! MOVE IT! Double-time, private, one-two, one-two!"

"SIR YES SIR!" The Scout's voice cracked, and he erupted with the most powerful orgasm of his young life.

"Hoo-ah!" the Soldier cried out underneath him, and the Scout was dimly aware that the other man was coming, too. The young man toppled off the Soldier and dragged himself up onto the bed to rest his jelly legs. He hoped that the Soldier would let him rest for a minute before kicking him out. To his surprise, the Soldier gently cleaned them both off with a wet washcloth that he had stashed somewhere, then cuddled up next to the Scout and fell asleep. Exhausted and in use as a teddy bear, the Scout went to sleep, too.
Marked for deletion (old)
>> No. 2014
I laughed
>> No. 2015
This is awesome and so are you.
>> No. 2016
I laughed from start to finish. Too many awesome lines to even quote here. GOOD WORK, PRIVATE
>> No. 2017
Ok, this is good, I liked basically all of Soldier's lines so I can't even call out the ones that made me laugh or it'd be >50% of the dialogue
>> No. 2018
This... is a work of art.
>> No. 2019
This is the only way I can imagine Soldier having gay sex now.

Good show!
>> No. 2020
Oh god, my sides hurt from laughing. MARTY I LOVE YOU.
>> No. 2021
I died. Just now. It's been about five minutes, and I'm still laughing. Don't stop writing, Terato. Everything you do is a wonder.
>> No. 2022
I died laughing
>> No. 2023
Oh god. I can't stop giggling like an idiot.
>> No. 2024
>"YOU CAN HUMP MY RUMP, MAGGOT!" The Soldier's bark made the Scout jump. I couldn't hold in the laughter past this
simply awesome
>> No. 2025
>Every Reply
>> No. 2026
>>10 That line was based on a well-known but mysterious phenomenon of this chan, where some messages have I AM A FAGGOT HUMP MY RUMP inserted into them, apparently at random.

For those of you who cannot tell, I am winking.
>> No. 2027

It occurs when two letters are used to make an emoticon.
>> No. 2028
I lolled. Nicely done.
>> No. 2029
If the Soldier's gonna take it up the ass, he's going to do it LIKE A MAN. Protecting his fellow men from Spies.
>> No. 2032
|Prevents the men from visiting prostitutes, who spread disease and may be Spies!

Are you saying Spy dresses up like a lady to get intel from the enemy?
>> No. 2033
>> No. 2034
All porn needs to have Soldier in it. It makes things 1000x better.

*Now she ded from laff*
>> No. 2035

We all know that he does.
>> No. 2039
I am laughing forever
>> No. 2040
This was far from what I expected, but I love it nonetheless. Seriously, side-splitting humor OP.
>> No. 2042
The dialogue was beautiful. Top notch work, private!
>> No. 2044
I laughed, I cried, I snorted a little bit while I was laughing.
>> No. 2047
His cock was immense, and pointed at Scout more menacingly than any rocket-launcher ever had
you deserve a medal
>> No. 2048
TeratoMarty is credit to team.
>> No. 2050
Marty! I love you! That was amazing! Confusedtop!Scout is my favorite now! :D
>> No. 2052
>The man looked like he could crack walnuts with his buttcheeks.
i lost it then.
>> No. 2053
This was maybe the best thing ever.

Every goddamn line, I was laughing. Everyyyyyyyy goddamn line.

>> No. 2054
Any chances of the other classes to get the funnyfest? Or are you leaving it with Scout?
>> No. 2055
Any chances of the other classes to get the funnyfest? Or are you leaving it with Scout?
>> No. 2056
All these comments make me terribly happy and more than somewhat smug. Especially >>27 all I've ever wanted is to be Credit To Team. >>31 I wasn't planning to do any more classes, but if anyone else wants to pick up the ball and run with it, I encourage them so to do. I may, however, have to do something with >>18's idea. That wasn't what I had meant, but indeed I did capitalise "Spies," so that does kind of imply that when they're not fucking around walking like crabs, they're dressing up like women and transmitting crabs.
>> No. 2058
>>15 it's the X D face

This fic...oh my god... just... OHMYGOD!

I'm showing this to everyone i know!
>> No. 2066
When my eyes first laid on the word "beany-wieners" I couldn't take the rest of the post seriously. LMFAO
>> No. 2067
Scout's breath always smells like weiners.
>> No. 2069
Oh god, how I want to draw scenes from this....I loooved it.
>> No. 2071
>>37 please do! I'll write smut in exchange.
>> No. 2073
You've got yourself a deal!
>> No. 2074
Pffft 39 was me, I forgot to namefag.
>> No. 2077
Prevents the men from visiting prostitutes, who spread disease and may be Spies!may be SpiesFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
>> No. 2089
I should know better than to read some stories whilst eating. Now I must clean mustard off my monitor.

...amongst other things....
>> No. 2090
>> No. 2115

>> No. 2240
This is gold. Can't stop laughing.
>> No. 2242
Great fic or greatest fic ever?
>> No. 2252
What... what did I just read?

>> No. 2264
OH GOD. I...I would like to quote the whole fic, that's simply amazing!

and, yeah...
SPY IN DRAG! Please do it!
>> No. 2415
I've now lurked on enough of your fic to realize that obviously you're some kind of mythical creature sent from beyond this existence.
I bet you shit bars of solid gold.
This is the only explanation I can find for all this quality material.
Please make more.
>> No. 2907
I don't know whether I should laugh, or admire how sexy it is
And I think Soldier hasn't seen or been with a woman in a while
>> No. 2908
I just know that next time I come I'll be tempted beyond all reason to yell "Hoo-ah!" I AM A FAGGOT HUMP MY RUMP
>> No. 2909
>>50 the Soldier has been denying women his essence. It's true.

>>51 doooo eeet. If necessary, I'll provide the orgasm, especially if I get to hump your rump.
>> No. 2911
I don't know...he seemed pretty interested in those photos of Scout's mom in Meet the Spy
>> No. 2912
>> No. 2958
>> No. 2959
Oh baby, you think THAT'S WTF? Go and read http://www.tf2chan.net/afanfic/res/2727.html this.

Sage for self-reply to old fic.
>> No. 3230
Oh god, this whole fic was one big lulzfest. There are so many good lines, but this one's probably my favorite:

Some older guy starts acting all friendly, then he complains about how there aren't any women around, next thing you know you're biting a pillow and trying not to scream while he calls you Margaret.
>> No. 6104
I LOVE dis writer!
>> No. 6112
I laughed the whole way through... God this is amazing.

Does soldier perhaps have deep dark stories of finding out the prostitte that he is having relations with is a Spy? He seems a bit bitter about it all ;D
>> No. 6129
Wow. Not only have a learned over a dozen one-liners I can shout at my friends randomly, but I just read something that is utterly lulzworthy.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get an icepack. My ass hit the ground pretty hard when I reached the infamous "Hump my rump" bit...
>> No. 6131
>> No. 6133
I can't tell you how tickled I am to see this bumped to the top.

Why yes, as it happens, there IS a deep dark story of finding out that the hooker is after your intel, not your body. Some het here, so steel yourself.
>> No. 6141
How come I have not voiced my love for this thing yet?

Every single one of Soldier's lines needs to be printed on gold leaf and set behind glass at an art gallery or something. I love it that much.
>> No. 6153
this was beyond amazing. I laughed so hard I peed a little. I regret nothing.
I wanna draw for this so bad now...the images are BURNED into mah think-meats!
>> No. 6164
"Some older guy starts acting all friendly, then he complains about how there aren't any women around, next thing you know you're biting a pillow and trying not to scream while he calls you Margaret."

That is where I lost it completely.
>> No. 6177
This is my first comment ever on this board and possibly my only one, and I am doing it solely to say that this was bloody brilliant and I am still wiping my tears.
>> No. 6369
This is hilarious. hi-effing-larious. Oh, and hot.
>> No. 6400
beany-wienersThat is all.
>> No. 6408
Soldier climaxing with a hoo-ah destroyed me. Good show, Terato, good show.
>> No. 6835
I read this story, laughed myself sick, and then had a sobering thought: the sound I make when I orgasm pretty much is "hoo-ah!" though perhaps a bit quieter than Soldier's bellow.
>> No. 6838
This, oddly enough, is exactly what I picture having sex with Soldier would be like. Both of them are just so on! Characterizations. Bravo!
>> No. 6847

Don't forget that he probably has his helmet on the whole time.

I died laughing.
Soldier is a master of the art of seduction.

He yells at you until you like it.
>> No. 6864
why the fuck it took me so long to find this, I don't know, but I am thinking HELL TO THE YEAH. I am agreeing with everyone about how brilliant Soldier is, but I'm going to have to give props to Scout too. He was absolutely adorable and terrified and everything a virgin should be in the face of a willing Soldier.

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