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No. 5133
This is the first... AUDACIOUS attempt I've made at a Team Fortress 2 fan fiction. However, I won't tell you the reason for the title. I'll let you figure that out.

-----

“Schnell! Go get them!” BLU Medic commanded, his Ubercharged Heavy charging forward into the RED base in Badwater Basin, the bomb cart not far behind being pushed by BLU team’s Scout, Demoman and Sniper. Glowing Blue, the Ubercharged Heavy and his Medic charged through as the RED team tried their best to stop BLU team from pushing to cart to the end of the track and into the pit of explosive barrels hidden in their base. A RED Engineer’s Sentry fired hopelessly away at the BLU Heavy, the bullets and rockets being deflected due to the ubercharge, the distracted sentry and engineer now a prime target to the BLU Demoman, who fired off a barrage of sticky bombs underneath the two enemies, the Engineer too distracted to notice and soon both Engineer and Sentry were nothing more than a pile of parts.

After the Sentry was dealt with, BLU’s ubercharge slowly began fading, but before the rest of BLU team noticed, BLU sniper fired off an arrow from his huntsman, the arrow piercing through his counterpart Sniper atop the balcony and pinning his now lifeless body to the fence behind him. “Nice Shot!” The Heavy said, giving his ally Sniper a thumbs up before proceeding forward, minigun spinning and Medic using the Heavy as a shield as the Bomb Cart quickly inched closer and closer to the destination. As the BLU below focused on keeping their bomb moving, the rest of the team was focused on harassing RED. BLU Solider and Pyro kept close watch on the respawn gates, firing rockets and fire to anyone foolish enough to stick their head out. BLU Engineer had placed his Sentry and Dispenser in the overhead room overlooking the final area, smiling to himself as he saw the bomb cart inch closer and closer towards its goal. Finally, BLU Spy was simply smoking cigarettes, chuckling a bit, seeing that the game was soon at an end.

BLU Pyro continued to keep watch on one of the respawn doors, looking back towards Soldier who was still doing the same thing, the Pyro prepared to spray flames at anyone who foolishly went out. However, as soon as the gate opened, they quickly closed, seemingly no one getting out. The Pyro could take no chances and began spraying fire everywhere, and soon an invisible being was ignited by the flames. “Fire, fire, FIRE!” Red Spy shouted, trying to flee back into the respawn room, but soon the Pyro pulled out the axtinguisher and with one chop, sliced the RED Spy in half, the Pyro soon playing the axtingusiher like a guitar to insult the RED team, giggling like a little schoolgirl.

Soon, the bomb was mere inches away from the opening, both Heavy and Medic pushing as well after clearing the area of visible REDs. “The Bomb is nearing the final terminus!” The Announcer shouted through the speakers rigged throughout Badwater Basin, the Announcer giving a wild laugh as the covering protecting the pit full of explosives opened up and the Bomb cart began to tip over; it was time for them to evacuate the area.

“Raus, Raus!” BLU Medic shouted, every BLU in the area nodding in unison. Soldier quickly launched himself with the rest of the BLU team down below with a well-timed rocket, Medic using his Medigun to patch up Soldier as Pyro ran towards the building Engineer was in, as Spy flicked his cigarette to the ground. Slowly the Bomb Cart finally tipped over into the pit and after a resounding thud, a giant explosion ripped through the hole, sending bits of metal and concrete everywhere, BLU team cheering at their victory.

“Victory,” The Announcer said, the BLU team laughing in joy as they charged back into the base, entering the respawn rooms to finish off any survivors. Soon, the sun was setting in Badwater Basin as BLU team made their way back to their base, leaving RED to pick up the mess they made for them. “Last one back to the base is a lardass!” The Scout said as he began running back, the rest of the team laughing as they broke their strides into a full run, following the train tracks back to their base. Scout soon made it to the base, laughing at his victory, but before he could gloat, Scout saw a note attached to the main entrance of their base. The rest of the team soon caught up and saw the note as well.

“Oi, was this here before or was I too drunk to remember?” Demoman asked, holding his bottle as the Spy came forward and pulled the note off the wall.

“No… zis note was placed sometime after we left…” Spy replied, looking through the note, mumbling through what it said, “…next supply train… something more…” and the Spy then stopped, the rest of the team wondering why.

“What is wrong? What does little note say?” Heavy said, hoping that Spy’s response didn’t mean something bad.

The Spy then showed everyone the note, pointing towards the part that made him stop. “BLU team should be expecting a new recruit to arrive on the next supply train.”

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST & BEING UNDERAGE)
Marked for deletion (old)
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>> No. 5136
Hmmm... Honestly, I think you use the word BLU too much. Especially in the beginning of the second paragraph.

Another problem I see is the hook. I understand you are setting up the hook which is really at the end of this chapter, but the action that takes place before it doesn't feel all that necessary to establish it.

Don't get me wrong, you do need the action in the hook but the problem lies in how it was written. It feels like I'm just watching someone play the game. There's no deviation from the canon at all which provides no further characterization. It feels that it would have been all the same for the hook if you had just stated that they came back from a victorious battle to find the note.

Sorry for rippin' at it but I felt I should at least give a crit.
>> No. 5140
>>5136

Yeah, I see what you mean. To be honest... I don't feel the prologue is really the best that I consider...

But it's nice to get constructive criticism. Better than no criticism at all, no matter how hard. As long as the criticism is said in a manner for improvement, rather than trolling, it is better than nothing.
>> No. 5141
Here's the actual first chapter...

----------

The BLU team patiently waited at the station platform, the sun already high above, the only protection to the hot desert sun was a dilapidated awning, beams of sunlight making its way through the multitude of cracks that riddle the covering. Most of BLU tried their best to use what shade they could that would be suitable enough for them, and even then most of them were sweating profusely, except the Pyro, but none of the team even knew if the Pyro was sweating underneath that flame retardant suit and gas mask.

“How much longer must we wait for new recruit?” Heavy asked, his mouth open and sweat falling from his face, breathing heavily due to the intense heat, and also for not being able to find any form of shade that would fully protect his massive body from the rays of the sun.

The Engineer wasn’t fairing any better, his goggles constantly fogging up, forcing him to fumble around with them to keep them dry but finally he just gave up and left his goggles to dangle around his neck. The Engineer then turned to look at the Heavy and groaned, “Don’t remind us, son, but this here train is notorious fer being late…” Engineer replied, now fanning himself with his glove rubber glove he had removed earlier.

Minutes passed, changing slowly into hours as the sun began making its retreat, BLU team eating the many Sandviches Heavy brought in a large lunch box, BLU team still waiting patiently for the supply train, and the new recruit to arrive. A long period of silence continued before the Scout broke the silence.

“If BLU’s sending us a new recruit, what’cha think they’re gunna be?” Scout said, the rest of the team starting to wonder as well, the Scout starting to smile a bit, “I hope they send us another Scout, I really don’t like having to wait for you chuckle nuts to catch up with me.”

“Ah, BLU team not stoopid to send another itsy bitsy baby Scout,” Heavy said, laughing loudly, “BLU team send new Heavy to kill enemy!”

Scout, now angry, raised his fist up as he began pointing at the Heavy, “Oh yeah? We don’t need another walking black hole eating Sandviches when they should be fighting!” The Scout said, insulting the Heavy, who sized himself up.

“Itsy man should take back insult, or I will kill you with my bare hands!” The Heavy said, cracking his knuckles as if saying he was ready to fight.

“Oh you wanna go, Lardass? Fine, just you and me, pal, so put ‘em up!” The Scout said, raising his fists up as he and the Heavy were about to fight before the Spy came in-between them and held them both back.

“Gentlemen, Gentlemen! Let us not fight amongst ourselves,” The Spy said, both Heavy and Scout trying to get at each other but gave up after listening to the Spy. Soon the Spy let the both of them go as he took out a cigarillo from his coat, lightening it with a match and taking in a quick breath of smoke. “Besides, they would send a spy, seeing how effective I am.”

The team soon heard Sniper laughing loudly, the Spy looking at the Sniper, who was trying his best to contain his laughter, then recomposed himself, chuckling a bit, “Effective, mate? Last time I saw you do anything useful was acting as MY distraction! But I can tell you they won’t send another Sniper. I’m a professional, and when you’re a professional, you don’t need anyone else.”

“Oh please, Sniper, Professional? You think too much of yourself. You don’t even use a Gun half the time! Maybe when they send us a real Sniper, we’ll finally have to stop worrying about the RED Sniper killing us because you prefer to run around like an idiot!” The Spy said in response, flicking his cigarillo at the Sniper.

Soon both Spy and Sniper were in an argument about how much better they were than the other, soon Heavy and Scout coming back into their argument as well, but before anyone could actually get hurt, the Engineer soon said, “Hey boys, the train’s here!” pointing towards the distance, the horn finally being heard.

The sun was nearly setting when the train finally grinded to a stop at the station platform. The BLU train’s conductor soon came out of one of the cars, the train’s cargo being brought down quickly by the Engineer, Demoman, Solider, and Heavy. The rest of the team, Spy, Sniper, Scout, Pyro, and Medic, waited patiently, waiting for the new recruit to get off.

“Moment of truth, guys, you ready for our team’s newest Scout?” The Scout said.

“Clearly it will be a Spy that will join our team!” The Spy retorted, making a quick, harsh glance at the Scout before returning his attention to the train, putting another cigarillo in his mouth.

"Egh yrgh mghma! Mnh mnhro!" The Pyro remarked, whatever that was.

“Vell… whoever it iz, he better not be a Fraulein like ze rest of you,” The Medic

Soon, a figure could be seen exiting the train, but the light from the sun made it nearly impossible to see who the person was. As the team adjusted their eyes, once they saw the person in front of them, they all, except the Pyro for the mask was in the way, gaped, even the Spy’s Cigarillo fell out of his mouth.

“I do not believe this!”

“Oh… Merde…”

“Ah… Piss…”

“Nein…”

"Mmmrpgh crpyha drghya!”

The young woman that exited the train had entirely startled the team that were waiting on the station platform. In one of her hands was a small book and the most strangest thing about this young woman was that her hair was Blue, like her eyes.

“Konnichiwa,” the young blue haired woman said, bowing down, “my name is Ami Mizuno. May I ask what is your name?”

Soon afterward, the Heavy arrived, holding a Sandvich, half-eaten, and going to inform his team that all the cargo has been unloaded.

“Team! Little Cargo has been unloa-” The Heavy stopped, and seeing the young woman, his mouth gaped open as well, bits of baloney and bread falling out.

“OH NO!”

------

I'm a fag for making this crossover, aren't I...
>> No. 5142
You best be trollan', mate.
>> No. 5143
Please have her attack the Red Team with bubbles.
>> No. 5144
I'm not too sure what to think of this.
>> No. 5146
lol
>> No. 5147
Fuck. I was afraid of this.
>> No. 5148
>>5141

haha oh i see

good one mate
>> No. 5149
This is what I wrote for crit after skimming the first post:

"I'm no literary expert. Take my opinions with a grain of salt. That being said, I am having a hard time reading your stuff. It's not because it's AUDACIOUS like you said, or even all that bad. It's only because you use really long sentences where a lot of ideas are packed together. Reading what you've written out loud can really help with that.

You probably have an awesome story planned, it's just the execution at this point."

But after skimming the second post I can only wonder about your intentions. If you make this all about how great and kawaii Sailor Mercury is and how those silly boys won't stop hitting on her...URGH.
>> No. 5150
>>5141
Please be a troll, please be a troll, please be a troll...
>> No. 5151
Btw, just lettin' ya know, if you be trollin'... not bad I guess.

If you're serious, I'd suggest /workshop/.
>> No. 5152
Oh damn. But now I kind of want to see where this goes. Especially when she uses her powers or something. I must giggle.
>> No. 5153
>>5152
The transformation sequence. How will the gang react to that I wonder!
>> No. 5154
>>5151

I'm serious.

Then move it to the workshop if you think so.

Because I already have 11 chapters + prologue on DeviantART and FanFiction.net.

I'm crazy, dudes.

CRAZY MR. MAGRE!

>>5149

And no, no one is going to be hitting on anyone... seriously... meaning, it isn't the main focus.

GOD DAMNIT ALL, I MADE THIS AND IT WILL MAKE NOTHING MORE INSANE BUT CRAZY!

And I have people who support me...

They're probably as crazy as me.

That's why this is here, to test this out in some REAL waters. Not the tinfoil hat wearing waters of DeviantART...

I'll post next chapter soon.

Or right after this post... damnit.

http://www.fanfiction.net/Sailor_Moon_and_Team_Fortress_2_Crossovers/39/3076/14/0/1/1/0/0/0/0/0/0/1/

Rated M... FOR MANLY!

Okay no... M for... violent... violently evil in the later parts... with gibs and... come on, whenever you use Team Fortress 2, it will have to be ALMOST M...

...

I told you it was audacious.

I'm a fag, so yeah.
>> No. 5155
Here, another chapter, from Magre, that Fag who writes about Sailor Moon and Team Fortress 2.

------

The BLU team was stunned at the young woman that was standing on the station platform, her blue hair standing out the most. Soon, the rest of the team was finally returning to the station platform and as soon as they saw the young woman, they were completely unable to say anything. Even Soldier, who was always finding something to complain about in the team could not express in words his shock.

Soon Sniper nudged the Scout in the rib, whispering silently into his ear, “Why don't you go and ask the sheila if she needs any help.”

“Me? Whadda mean me? Why do I gotta ask her if she needs any help?” The Scout whispered back, Sniper now turning his fully attention towards Scout.

“Well she might feel better if someone helped her and you're probably closer to her age than the rest of us. Besides, you got a girlfriend, you're used to helping out women before!”

“But that's my girlfriend, not some random chick who suddenly walks off our supply train!”

“Just get to already! I'll talk with the conductor and we'll work this out, hopefully we can understand why this is happening. Now go!” Sniper then pushed Scout and soon Scout was standing only a few feet away from the young woman Ami.

“Oh hey... um...” Scout said, scratching his head and laughing nervously, trying to figure out what to say, “Uh... needa little help?”

Ami smiled a bit at what the Scout said, “Why yes, I brought a few bags of luggage with me and I wouldn't want you to all wait for me to unload my things from the train.”

“Alright then! Just lead the way!” The Scout blurted out, still a bit nervous as he followed Ami inside the train.

When both Scout and Ami were out of sight, the rest of the team slowly began to recompose themselves, trying to comprehend what just happened.

“Oi, wha' just 'appen?” The Demoman remarked, rubbing the side of his head with his bottle, “Was that a lass I just saw?”

Spy, now reaching for another cigarillo in his jacket, took a quick glance at Demoman, the Spy finding his cigarillo and placed it in his mouth, “It appears you are able to comphrend this situation as good as the rest of us, despite your constant drunkedness...” Spy said, lighting his cigarillo and breathing a quick puff, “But I say this with the utmost caution, and I rarely say this... I am completely shocked...”

“Mmmmph Mphhhh Mphh!” The Pyro added, and although most of the time othe rest of the team would disregard most of Pyro's words, the Medic nodded and turned to the rest of the team.

“Ze Pyro iz right, ve'er not entirely zure if zhat Fraulein iz ze only one on board. Ze new recruit may be elze vere on ze train!” The Medic assured, the rest of the team hoping those words were true.

The Sniper then began walking towards the conductor, who was still preparing the train for its trip out of the desert, the others talking amongst themselves about the situation they were in.

“Oi! Conductor! I have a question to ask ye!” The Sniper shouted, the Conductor turning around to greet the Sniper.

“Oh, Sniper, it is good you caught me at the right time. I something to give you,” the Conductor said, and before Sniper could ask his question, the Conductor pulled out a letter from his coat, and presented to the Sniper. “Its from your father.”

“My... my father? Wait, you mean to say my dad actually sent me a letter?” the Sniper asked, the Conductor nodding, the Sniper feeling awkward about this. Rarely did Sniper get letters from family members, and most of the time they were from his mom, but never from his dad. So surprised by the letter, the Sniper entirely forgot about asking his question.

Meanwhile, Scout was holding the bags of luggage that Ami had brought with her, surprised that they were somewhat heavy.

“God, whudda ya put in these things? Rocks?” The Scout complained, Ami giggling a bit at Scout's complaint.

“No, why would I bring rocks with me? I'm not going to be a geologist now,” Ami remarked, the Scout sarcastically laughing.

“Yeah... Right...” The Scout mumbled as he began walking out of the train but caught his foot in one of the train's chairs and fell down, causing Ami's luggage to tumble out of his hands.

“Are you alright?” Ami asked, rushing towards the Scout, who was slowly getting up but refused for any help that Ami was trying to give.

“No, no, I'm alright, I've felt worse... ah... shit...” Scout said, saying the last part under his breath, rubbing his left-arm because it was scraped a bit when he fell down.

“Oh my, it looks like you might have drawn blood,” Ami remarked, the Scout looking at his injury and seeing that a bit of blood was indeed seeping to the surface of his skin. “Here, I'll fix it up a bit.”

“No, no, I said I'm alright... jeez... that stings...” The Scout said again, now standing up now as Ami picked up one of the fallen bags of luggage and opened it, taking out a bottle of rubbing alcohol, some cotton wipes, and a bandage for the cut.

“Now just don't worry, it may sting a bit more...” Ami said, pouring a bit of the rubbing alcohol on the wipes and began cleaning the area that the Scout had injured himself, the Scout grimacing a bit in pain but feeling better now that the wound was clean. After a quick wipe, Ami then covered the wound with the bandage and smiled, “There, that should be much better.”

The Scout then looked at the bandaged area, surprised that Ami worked quite efficiently with the wound and smile a bit, giving her a thumbs up, “Yeah, thanks pal.” The Scout said, marveling again at Ami's work, “Where'd ya learn to do that?” Scout asked as he went and picked up the rest of the luggage he dropped.

“My mother was a doctor, so I learned from my mother and from reading medical books as well. I was assuming that having some medical skill would help me out here.” Ami replied, smiling a bit, putting back the rubbing alcohol and cotton wipes in the luggage bag she got them from, following Scout to the train's exit.

“Hey, can I ask you a question... Ami, right?” The Scout said.

“Okay.”

“Did you see anyone traveling on this train with you?”

“No... not any that I've seen, I fell asleep half-way through the trip.”

“Oh... I see...”

Both Scout and Ami exited the train, the rest of the team waiting for them, especially Scout. After putting Ami's luggage down, the Soldier confront the Scout.

“Took you lovebirds long enough,” The Soldier said, a couple of people chuckling a bit, “So, did you get to see our new recruit in there?”

“Uh, sorry, but Ami said there wasn't anyone else ridin' that train here,” Scout replied, the Solider becoming slowly more and more frustrated.

Finally, a loud whistle only made the Soldier more angry, as the Conductor boarded the train, signaling that the train was leaving.

“Why does little train leave when new recruit has not come off train?” Heavy asked, holding his nearly finished sandvich close as the train slowly began to leave the station.

The Spy, groaning, pointing at Ami, who was looking through her luggage, checking if everything was in their place.

“It appears that... girl... IS the new recruit...” The Spy finally said, the Heavy's confused look slowly turning into a frown, Heavy no longer capable of finishing his sandvich.

It was going to be a long ride back to BLU base in Sniper's camper van.

Except for Engineer.

-----

Has my weaboo quotient exploded your soft, gray matter yet?
>> No. 5156
>>5154
Dude, just because you're "crazy" and "have people who support" you, doesn't change the fact that you're writing needs a lot of work. I'd get a beta, if I were you. Also, is English not your first language? 'Cause it sure sounds that way.
>> No. 5157
>>5154

>I'm crazy, dudes.

Please... don't do that. I mean, I know you're not serious about that. It makes you sound under age... like...

IM SO RANDUM ^___^ *holds up spork!!!1!*

I just checked your deviantart page. It says you're 17. Technically you're underage.
>> No. 5159
Well I can safely say this will probably get you a damn ton of reviews. On DeviantART and FF.net, at least. They eat this kind of stuff up from what I see. Fem inserts + TF2 = autowin for whatever reason. Sailor Moon chars would probably double or triple that ratio I assume.

Cheers to you.
>> No. 5160
If you're serious about this idea, and it looks like you are, you've got lots of work to do.

0) Dotchan's usual spiel about taking out "-ly" adjectives and not doing written accents go here.
1) Why is there a new class? Will there be a corresponding person on the RED Side? What does this new class do?
Furthermore, why Ami? Why did she agree to this, when she would much rather be protecting Usagi and studying to be a doctor?
2) Canon TF2 'verse takes place in 1968. Ami's not even a twinkle in her mother's eye at this point. It would just take maybe one sentence to explain all of this.
3) I'm not really feeling the characterization. Everybody acts as their class is expected to behave, but there's no "soul", for the lack of a better term, behind it. They seem more like cardboard cutouts of themselves than anything. Don't worry about giving all the classes equal time except maybe in the initial scene where Ami meets them all. Focus on two or three of them at a time and devote some more words to fleshing them out.
4) This is not as much a big deal as the rest of it, but unless you're using the Americanized version, English is not Ami's native language. Granted, someone with her smarts is probably fluent enough to converse, but it's just something to keep in mind.
>> No. 5162
Magre, just take the advice others are giving you and don't be go around saying that having "supporters" somehow excuses your mistakes. The mods here are expert wielders of the banhammer, and seriously, they won't hesitate to use it if this drama continues.
>> No. 5174
File 126074328485.gif - (88.87KB , 250x200 , 0ac6cc75fdd01bcca5e77faf18c5da23.gif )
5174
Oh my Jesus, is this for serious? Seriously, you guys?

Seriously.
>> No. 5176
i cannot stop lolling
>> No. 5178
DID SOMEONE MENTION UNDERAGE?
>> No. 5179
>>5178
Why did this make me laugh more than the comments?

-didn't read the story, only the comments, pft-
>> No. 5180
>>5178
>>UNDERAGE
did you notice that word has "rage" in it?
>> No. 5181
File 126075180467.png - (9.85KB , 414x353 , undierage.png )
5181
>>5180
>> No. 5207
File 126085342758.jpg - (24.18KB , 300x400 , adam-savage-4.jpg )
5207
>>5154
>FanFiction.net.

Well there's your problem. That is a terrible place to develop your talents as it tells you that you actually have them. A lot of crap (nearly every story on that site) will not fly here, however it will if you post it here (hurr hurr).

If you're serious about writing (even fan-fiction, deary), come here. If you want to do crazy crossovers with no explanation apart from "She was mysterious. She had jet-black hair and black jeans and a black leather jacket and a grey shirt adn a dragon pendant that she wore for good luck. She just wok e up there adn went to the 2fort base which was nearby," stay in your little hidey-hole at fanfiction.net.


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