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No. 4498
An random epistolary collection of written things in the TF2 world. The first letter, and to a lesser extent, the third, borrow and follow from some of my previous work. But to avoid confusion, I'll state this here: URSULA FABRIETTI=THE ANNOUNCER
And here ya go.
Dear M.,

You are such an inquisitive person. It is amusing, to say in the least. At your behest, I have gathered all the information I can in such short notice; the computer systems have been most useful in achieving this. I do not know what you might hope to do with it, but it is yours, now. I won’t be here much longer, so don’t expect any letters soon. I wish you the best of luck in ________.

Warm regards on a chilly day,



Name: Ursula Fabrietti

Degree and Date to be conferred: Ph.D., 1938

Secondary Education: Medie Superiori, Sicily School R-14, Liceo Classico, Liceo Linguistico

Place of birth: Sicily, Kingdom of Italy

Institutions attended:

University of Turin, 1926-1930
Turin, Kingdom of Italy
Major, Economics
Major, Political Science,
Minor, Military History

École Normale Supérieure, 1932-1935
Paris, France
Major, Economics
Major, Political Science
Minor, Military Science

University of Harvard, 1935-
Major, Philosophy
Major, Political Science
Major, Economics
Minor, History
Minor, Military Science

Dissertation topic: Political Science

Supervising professor: Dr. Alex Drake, Ph.D. Political Philosophy

Consultant: Dr. Joseph Krimble, Ph.D, Chairman of Economic-Political Theory Department


Title of Dissertation: Examinations of the evolution of professional capital channels and the dichotomy of Political Discourse thereof ; theoretical and practical applications for the synthesis of governmental and economic functions

When the initial interaction of world cultures occurred as an efficacy of European navigation, the very landscape of Economics was permanently changed. The impetus of this paradigm was the destruction of a well regarded axiom of economic function at the regional level: capital systems must remain simple and hierarchical in their structure. For the aristocracy and elite of the planet, this was necessary to maintain as a form of total control; but as the horizons expanded for the European people, it rapidly became obsolete on every level. The pioneers of international exploration, namely the nations of France, Spain, and the United Kingdom, the new worlds presented enticing opportunities for wealth that could not be refused. Their ambitions unchecked by distant royalty who, too, were hungry for power, these explorers set up colonies and engaged in bloody internecine fighting with the present natives, who themselves were still within the previously adumbrated economic primitivism. The native Americans, who were insular and largely egalitarian in nature, could not understand the alacrity with which Europeans took what seemed to be worthless resources, let alone defend them. And the Indians and African kingdoms, concerned with internal affairs, were largely indifferent towards these explorers until their sovereignty was infringed upon. The biggest change, however, was for the natives of Europe itself, a people longed subjugated by religion and autocracy and hungry for change. With the economic systems branching out and intertwining past regional borders, a new guiding paradigm was necessary to effectively utilize the possibilities. The structuring and shaping of these potentials into a cohesive system of economic thought was called Mercantilism, an inchoate form of Capitalism. By the 18th century, the time was nigh for this change to take place. Countries that remained antiquated and undeveloped found themselves victim to colonialism (a natural efficacy of Capitalism’s system of exponential capital acquisition) and those that evolved became the leaders of the new world order. But is their time, too, nigh?

I am, of course, referring to the growing presence of Marxism on the international scene. One of the more detestable features of capitalism is the way it subsumes humans and even total cultures into capital channels equal to or lesser then non-conscious phenomena. Slavery can be cited as an example of this tendency. Although the static hierarchy of feudalism was no more, it was replaced with a more-pronged system of master and servant, merchant and laborer, Bourgeoisie and Proletariat. The two intellectual political systems that evolved as reactions to this capitalist system can be divided thus; Liberalism and Communism, the latter derived from Marxism.. Liberalism, developed by philosophers of the so called “Enlightenment” and pioneered by revolutionaries in America, generally seeks to distance Capitalism from human beings by establishing impassible axioms called liberties; abstract identities within society that governments and business cannot infringe upon. These liberties are established through consensus or majority in a system that is generally democratic in nature. Marxism, by contrast, seeks to invert capitalistic principals by humanizing impersonal economic forces and making them subservient to government jurisdiction. But what generative limitations, we might ask, come intrinsically with this separation of subjects and capital? As intertwined as the two might be to each other, government and economy are two separate organisms that behave in different ways. Capitalism and Marxism, however, favor one of the two to the other, and their attempts to force one into the other’s methodology has proven disastrous for production. Capitalism, by reducing politics to subservient corollaries of economic functions, has impeded growth and the generation of wealth. And Marxism, by disseminating productivity into governmental procedures, has crippled the very channels of production it sought to reform. This is why GDP growth remains slow and stagnant in the USSR, and why the American economy has shrunk so greatly in recent years; neither are effective adaptations to the balance of the new world. And what is, precisely, the state of this brave new world? This dissertation seeks to analyze this question, isolate the inherit flaws of current socioeconomic systems, and create a foundation to correct these. By the time it is completed, I hope this will provide a feasible system to balance the competing powers that dictate human society and intention, and to show that economic and political harmony can reach an equilibrium, even if such a thing requires sacrifice…


Dear mum,

How’ve you been? I’ve been keeping well; eating veggies and all that. Life out here is tough, but don’t worry, I’m getting by. Is dad giving you grief? If he is, give him a sucker punch, courtesy of me. (Indecipherable here; scribbled out text). We’re at a place called Dustbowl now, trying to stop the enemy from overrunning the territories our company possesses. I think we’re somewhere in the _____________________, but I can’t be sure. All this moving gets a bit confusing, actually.

Have you been taking your medicine. I asked the doc here about your, you know, and he said that doing stuff to keep your brain sharp, like chess and crossword puzzles, helps a ton. We’ve got a Sear’s catalog here. Do you want me to order you a chess set? Maybe you and dad can play, if he isn’t boozed up.

I hope you’re taking care, mum. I miss you a lot and worry about you. I miss Australia too; do you get to see the sun set on the desert in the winter like I always liked? I miss that.

Love you and miss you,

________ (The name was classified. Suffice it to say, this letter is by the team’s Sniper.)


Sunday To: Dusthill Research Facility, El Paso,
Texas, USA
____/____/1968 From: ______________


I’m writing you to request the schematics for SG Model 1-64B, Hyperion edition (I trust you know what the last word means. #And to answer your previous questions on the Planck Constant, The Faraday constant F is the charge of one mole of electrons, equal to the Avogadro constant NA multiplied by the elementary charge e.

Much obliged,

_______(once again, edited. This is the engineer.)



Name: ____ _____

Age: 27

Height: 6’ Weight: 185 lbs.

Current location: Ullapool, Scotland

Occupation in consideration: Demolitions Expert

Details: Has moved from home to home as an orphan. Done 2+ years jail time for possession of illegal explosives and unauthorized detonations. Generally unstable in nature, bellicose. Accidentally killed adopted parents in an incident involving improvised explosives at age eight. Alcoholic. Highly proficient and creative in bomb production and utilization. History of depression and isolated as a child. Of African descent.
Apprehending: Lives at ___Place, ___Road, Ullapool. Has breakfast at Crest Place on weekdays, usually around eight o’ clock, and dinner at Ullapool pub, around Seven. Enjoys alcohol greatly, especially scotch and scrumpy. Works at a fishery, menial wage. Would take kindly to a higher salary.


U.S. Armed Forces Judiciary Court
Camp Arnold, Michigan, USA

Prv. _____ _____,

It is the decision of this military court that you are to be dismissed from service and stripped of any previous honors (of which you have none) in conviction for the following offenses:

-Calling fellow German-American soldiers “Nazis” and constantly harassing them

-Making derogatory statements against your higher officers and, in several cases, using aggression.

-Spreading seditious libel and lies to fellow privates

-Misconduct on the training field using a bazooka and shovel without proper authorization.

-Refusing to testify in front of the court and falsely calling the judge and jury “Filthy stinking anarchist commies.”

-A previously neglected, and now highly conspicuous, history of mental instability

This will take effect on the sixteenth of November. Please have your things gathered and be prepared to leave the base by that time.


Louis A. Goldstein
Camp Arnold Judiciary Review
Marked for deletion (old)
Expand all images
>> No. 4499
I hope to God you make more of these.

I love them so.
>> No. 4500
Seconding this so hard.

I absolutely love the Announcer one in particular.

The only thing I can find to get pedantic about is a couple of Americanisms I found in Sniper's letter. Catalog is spelled catalogue in Australia (at least to the best of my knowledge), and he's probably more likely to say tonne rather than ton.
>> No. 4501
Wait, no, I'm a moron. Never listen to me! Australia didn't have the metric system then...

D'oh, sorry!
>> No. 4502
Okay Okay, this is gorgeous.

Make more of these please
>> No. 4509
haha soldier's letter
>> No. 4512
The pioneers of international exploration, namely the nations of France, Spain, and the United Kingdom, the new worlds presented enticing opportunities for wealth that could not be refused."To" in front?

Nitpicking aside, I love this and I love you.
>> No. 4514
Daw, I love you and your nitpicking as well. And yes, more letters to come, including an interrogation of Spy by the Italian Police and an interview with Saxton Hale (Oh Sonne, you tease.)
>> No. 4583
More letters! It's funny, thinking about all the written things that might exist in the TF2 universe. Nitpicking is always welcome here.


Dear M.,
I could not manage to send you much this week. I promise there will be more by next week; until then, this will have to do, my dear.



(I have taken the liberty of translating this for you. Official titles are, by your request, untouched)

Board de la Servizio per le Informazioni e la Sicurezza Militare
June 15, 1959

/The following is a transcript from the interrogation of Mr. _____, detained June 12, 1959. The detainee was apprehended by the Polizia Municpale in Naples and found to be in possession of highly sensitive documents. Intelligence indicates that the detainee has been engaged in espionage throughout the country, and is believed to be working on behalf of French intelligence forces. As of June 15, by orders made by undisclosed sources, he has been sent by the SISMI office to Rome and will be extradited to France by the end of the month. Names are not disclosed for sake of anonymity in the possibility of foreign recrimination.

Transcript begin

Interrogator 1: Alright, it’s recording…now, state your name and place of origin.

Detainee: Harry Houdini. Budapest, Hungary.

Interrogator 2: Don’t try to be funny, you lying piece of shit.

Detainee: Who is being funny? Not you, obviously. I find those names to be quite hurtful.

Interrogator 1: Think of them as accusations, then. Now tell us; did you steal top secret governmental files and military secrets and plan to spirit them away to France?
Detainee: Espionage? Moi? What would you such a preposterous idea? I simply mixed up my baggage. Someone like me could never be a Spy.

Interrogator 1: You were found with a revolver on your person. And you were coming back from Algeria. Seems like an awful strange place to be at a time like this…

Detainee: There are troubles everywhere, mon ami. Why should I let them stop me from visiting my cousin? He has been very distraught as of late…

Interrogator 1: And by cousin, you mean Lionel Frantè, the man you were said to be going to in your flight records?

Detainee: Oui. You can call him if you want to confirm this; I have been staying at his home in Algiers for the past week before arriving here.

Interrogator 2: Then you should now that Mr. Frantè has been working for French counter-insurgency departments and is responsible for torturing numerous Algerian rebels.

Detainee: Is he now? That is news to me.

Interrogator 1: You don’t sound too surprised.

Detainee: Dear Lionel was always a bit of a misanthrope. Torture seems like something he might take up.

Interrogator 2: Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn’t know your ‘cousin’ was a military officer!?

Detainee: Lionel didn’t like to talk about his work life. We mostly did everyday, quotidian things while I was there. Going to the beach, exploring the city, dining at cafes…

Interrogator 2: And torturing Algerians?

Detainee: Why do you care what as happened in Algeria? Italy is neutral, last I heard. And besides, isn’t this about documents?

Interrogator 1: He’s right, (interrogator 2). Stay on task.

Detainee: I am always right.

Interrogator 2: Shut it, you piece of shit!

Interrogator 1: Calm down, would you?! Now, you say you have no idea about any secret documents or espionage activities in Italy…

Detainee: I tell the truth. I have not, and never have, engaged in any form of spying or subterfuge.

Interrogator 1: Unfortunately, your word is not good enough for us. We’ll have to detain you until we can confirm anything, and that means-

Detainee: My word does not satisfy? Then perhaps this will.

Interrogator 2: What’s this?…oh my…

Interrogator 1: Let me see that…oh…is this legitimate?

Detainee: Of course it is. And it clearly indicates your next course of action, gentlemen.

Interrogator 2: We need to confirm this before we can do anything.

Detainee: Not authorized, are we?

Interrogator 1: If this what it appears to be, we apologize and promise to have you out of here as soon as possible.

Detainee: I should hope so.

/transcript ends here

(Who knew the Spy could speak Italian?)

June, 1968
Physical examination summations

Class: Scout
Born: May 12, 1949
Height: 5’ 6’’ Weight: 131 lbs.
Hair color: Brown Eye Color: Blue
Blood type: A Negative
Previous conditions: none

Psychological condition: There are no major negative tendencies in the Scout’s logic and personality. He has had no great emotional disturbances and displays no signs of mental disorder. If anything, one might consider him too soft or immature for the job he has undertaken. Seems highly vulnerable to being traumatized by the horrors of war.

Class: Soldier
Born: November 11, 1926
Height: 5’ 11” Weight: 210 lbs
Blood type: O Positive
Previous conditions: Influenza (1940), Gastroenteritis (1961)

Psychological condition: Although the soldier seems competent, he shows numerous signs of deteriorating mental instability. Displays egregious signs of paranoia, and has a general disregard for human life. Displays schizotypal tendencies in his belief of numerous fantasies as fact and unwillingness to accept the truth. Has an unusual fixation towards his own weapons.

Class: Demoman
Born: October 12, 1941
Height: 6’ Weight: 185 lbs.
Blood type: AB negative
Previous conditions: Acute alcohol intoxication (1960, 1961, 1963, 1966, 1966, 1967)

Psychological condition: The Demoman is almost certainly an alcoholic, and has been observed to become irritable, unwieldy, and rash when completely sober. His alcoholism suggests itself to be a product of a greatly disturbed childhood, one marked by the traumatic loss of his parents and a general disregard for his well being. Prone to sustained bouts of depression, possibly suicidal.

Class: Heavy Weapons Guy
Born: March 27, 1936
Height: 6’ 5” Weight: 255 lbs.
Blood Type: A positive
Previous conditions: Hypertension (1960-)

Psychological condition: The Heavy seems to be, by all records, one of the most mentally sound members of the team. He is remarkably stable for an individual who has experienced as much as he has. He is highly capable of performing his job well and without complications.

(I’ll send the second part of this to you in my next letter. Pyro’s records are missing; I suppose he remains as mysterious as ever.)



You asked, he heard! In this issue, Saxton Hale will be answering five questions asked by his fans around the world, and in the next issue, another five! So sit back and listen to the master himself, and get your questions ready for next month!

Q: “Dear Mr. Hale, I’m an enormous fan of yours. I have all your comics and have been trying to put together the ultimate costume of you for a comics convention near my home. Tell me, though, what kind of hat is it that you wear? I want to make sure mine is perfect match.
-Henry James, Michigan, USA

Saxton Hale: Thanks for your question, mate! And nice to hear you’re a fan. I’m quite fond of myself as well. This old number’s an Akubra I got from my dear dad, so I don’t think you’ll be able to get a /perfect/ match. That, and my hat’s lined with croc teeth I got from my daring exploits in issue 3, where I…well, I shouldn’t spoil it for you. Instead, order it from Mann Co. publishing company, P.O. Box 24, Beechmond Drive, Adelaide, Australia, 05006!

Q: Mr. Hale, is it possible to become a member of the Saxtonettes? I’ve been eager to join since I heard of them last year. Can I join?
-Mary Archbin, Alice Springs, Australia

SH: Oh, dear girl, one does not simply /become/ a Saxtonette. They are an elite group, handpicked from the top rungs of Girl Scouts for their valor, intrepidity, and ability to sell biscuits! If you can prove yourself to be worthy, they will contact you, not vice-versa.

Q: Dear Mr. Hale,
Why don’t you ever wear a shirt? Not that I’m complaining.
Clarice Rhodes, Edinburgh, Scotland, UK

SH: My dear, a shirt would just be a distraction for me! In the midst of fighting yetis in Russia, rescuing beautiful women from dangerous African jungles, and saving Indian Gurus from terrible tigers, one does not have the time to worry about silly things like shirts. For more information, read about and subscribe to my exploits in Saxton Hale comics! tm.

Q: Mr. Hale, what is your secret? How does one become as manly as you? I’ve tried all sorts of things, but I’m still but a pale shadow of your greatness. Please pass on some secrets, from master to pupil!
John Outlocke
London, England, UK

SH: Sorry mate, I don’t go around giving out my secrets for free. If I did, how do you think Mann Co. would stay afloat? If you want to learn more about my life and secrets, I’d suggest purchasing my biography, “Saxton Hale: A life of Virility,” or my self help book, “I am Manly And You Can Be Too!” by Mann Co. publishing office. Best of luck to you in your endeavors!

Q: Saxton, I…I think I’m in love with you. If you’re ever in California, would you ever consider making love to me?
Rochelle Avala, California, USA

SH: Oh, well…although I’m sure you’re a lovely person, I do have a wife. Perhaps if you ordered something and I was late, I’d have to repay you somehow…oh, that brings back memories! I’m sorry, my lady, but I’m afraid I must decline.

Well, it’s nice to hear from you all, but beautiful women don’t just save themselves, you know! And as packages do not deliver on their own, I must be off for both counts. See you next issue! *

(I’m sure he’s referring to the case of the late Razorback in that last question. Memories indeed.)
>> No. 4584

Whoops, I forgot to namefag, hurr
>> No. 4586
I love these so much.
>> No. 4589
Saxton Hale's lady-loving prowess is amazing.
>> No. 4608

I aim to please, I suppose :3c
This is an open question to anyone, but anyone have any ideas for letters one might find in the TF2 world? Thinking them all up is troublesome, and I'm sure you people have wonderful ideas.
>> No. 4612

I'm sure Scout and his mother exchange letters.

Also, I'd like to see some letters involving Demo.
>> No. 4613
I bet you could do something clever with bills/receipts, or maybe request forms from the men to the company.
Dude, Scout's High School transcripts.
>> No. 4614
Dude, Scout's High School transcripts.
That sounds good
>> No. 4620
>Perhaps if you ordered something and I was late, I’d have to repay you somehow…oh, that brings back memories!
I absolutely love when someone wanders so far into a fictional universe and creates something so mundane, yet adorable and believable at the same time.
>> No. 4902
things are getting tense here. It has been a while since we conversed. Not long enough for me to have faded from your memory, but probably long enough for you to think you have faded from mine. I still hold you dear, M., and always will, and your mission remains of utmost importance to me, regardless the danger. Expect more of this soon; I have quite a plan for information gathering in motion, as you will soon see.


Fenway High School
{Arming Children for a Future of Learning}
Office of Guidance and Discipline

Dear Mrs. __________,

Your son, _________, has been suspended from classes at Fenway High School until December 1st for the following reasons:

-Bringing a bat into school
-Chucking a baseball at a teacher
-Running away when attempts to apprehend him were made

We hope that this time will give him time to consider his actions and improve himself in turn. May we remind you that this is his third offense of this sort in a year, and, should there be another incident of this kind, expulsion is possible.


Betty Honlison
Secretary to
George Hoff,
Head of Office of Guidance and Discipline


My sweetest Pyro,

I dreamt of you again tonight. We were lying in bed, surrounded by candles (And yes, you are the cause of the blaze) and I was there, pressed against the rubber of your suit, running my fingers through the cool, impersonal material savoring the enigma that you are. Like the layers of a Reese, you are. Layer upon layer, all concealing some sweet morsel. I hunger for you, I crave you.

Enervated (from making love) we sat there with one another, you feeling my body and I stroking the rubber of your suit, I creep my hand up, my fingers moving like spiders, nimble and soft, until I have reached your mask. Oh, your mask…like a darkened porthole into infinity. The black eyeholes, they betray nothing, and yet I know what lurks behind them…desire. I have felt it, I know desire, desire for you, my firey friend, my conflagrant pyro. I am peeling off your mask, like the wrapper of a sweet, of that candy I am so eager for, and I am content. And there is your face, and we are together, my sweet.
Really, could you imagine it? Us, together. You know me, but you could never love me.

-Bemoaning this,
Your loving stalker



__________ is planning on betraying youSTOP. He has already recruited ________ and has the blueprints for respawnSTOP. Your associate is dead and I am in dire straitsSTOP. RED team must be informed; they have been investigating this themselvesSTOP. They know all about _______________, and may be your last hopeSTOP. I repeat; P. Multinational is no longer yoursSTOP. You must hideSTOP.

>> No. 4903

Mysterious telegram intrigues me.
>> No. 4930
Mysterious telegram, hell naw! I need to know who's stalking the Pyro!
>> No. 4937
put it in a worddoc
>> No. 4940
File 125947585689.png - (37.09KB , 549x736 , DERPLETTER.png )

I like the idea of pyro being illiterate.
>> No. 4941
so I've finally got some time to sit down and read this and holy cow, Sonne. I'm really loving the bits and pieces of background information like CANDY. Medic's notes, Scout's suspension letter and Sniper's... yeah, totally my favorites out of the bunch.

But man, that Pyro stalker is all kinds of creepy.

I lol'd.
>> No. 4943
10/10 would lol again
>> No. 4950
Eep. This is amazing, Sprang. I, too, like the idea of Pyro not being able to read, or, conversely, not caring what his letter had to say. Danke!
>> No. 4951
Oh man, I'm such a sucker for this kind of indirect storytelling, and this is so well-done. I love the variety of documents, especially.
>> No. 5018
And I think we're done here. Fun Fact: most of these letters are going to be canonical to something big I'm going to start on soon. It'll be a cool story, bro.

Your Honor,

My Client has refused to settle. I inform you of this with regret, but I cannot talk him out of it. He has done this in the interested of defending the Free Press and the 1st Amendment, and refuses to back down on it. He has also requested to make appeal to the Appellate Court as soon as possible.

-Jose Gonzales, Lawyer to the Defendant



Dear god. This is not happening. This is not fucking happening. You know as well as I that I’m innocent, but things have taken a far turn for the worse. I should have let the paper take the settlement, but no, I had to be a hero for free speech. A load of horseshit, that’s what it was. But if jail time isn’t bad enough, I did some research (that perennial bad habit of mine) and found out something. The jail I’m going to-____ ________- isn’t a normal place. It was bought by P. Multinational a few months ago. Yes, the same P. Multinational Ursula Fabrietti founded, the same P. Multinational that funded the prosecution. They’re pulling the strings, April. And they apparently saw me as a threat, as they’re locking me up and throwing away the key. If the judge said 90 days, I guarantee you it’ll be much longer than that. I love you April. I love you more than I’ve ever loved another woman. Promise me you’ll always love me in return, April. Promise me.

Your eternal love,




We regretfully must inform that on the morning of the 16th, November 1968, your husband, Patrick Allard, took his own life by slitting his wrists in the cafeteria of Darkened Oaks Correctional Facility. His belongings will be sent to you shortly, as will his body for burial. We send you our deepest condolences.

Alexander Rorschach,
Darkened Oaks Correctional Facility


Medic’s notes, continued
June, 1968

Class: Sniper
Born: October 11, 1936
Height: 5’ 11” Weight: 160 lbs.
Blood Type: B Negative
Previous conditions: None

Psychological condition: The Sniper is generally jovial and rationalizes his line of work, preferring to think of himself as a detached professional as opposed to a killer. There is, however, a disturbing tendency for him to affix himself to outside entities, particularly those which he regards as…mysterious. Has a tendency to turn violent if perturbed, and has several idiosyncrasies, including collecting his own urine in jars. Possibly manic-depressive, or obsessive.

Class: Spy
Born: January 18, 1930
Height: 5’ 9” Weight: 155 lbs.
Blood Type: AB Negative
Previous conditions: Pneumonia (1939, 1940)

Psychological Condition: The Spy, as one might expect from one of his profession, is utterly incapable of trust. He is not incapable of empathy, but rather has learned to compartmentalize his emotions and remain indifferent to his teammates. Without loyalties, he is a volatile figure. A diagnosis of sociopathy, however, would be inaccurate. More likely, he is afraid to open up to others, to reveal anything of himself for fear of use against him. Paranoid, but with good cause, considering his profession.

Class: Pyro
Born: ______, 1931
Height: 5’ 8 Weight: ____
Blood Type: _______
Previous conditions: 3rd degrees burns, Asthma (Current)

Psychological Condition: The Pyro is, if anything, the most naïve member of the team. He treats everything lightly in a puerile nature, acting as if it all a game, even killing. He is possibly challenged mentally, possibly regressed from some form of severe psychological trauma. Further investigation is necessary to make a diagnosis, although this may prove difficult, as the Pyro severely dislikes being questioned. (Note: made the provided questionnaire into a paper hat; quite possibly illiterate)

My Parents
By ____ _______

When I was little, I had the best parents in the world. They liked to take me to the lake where I could swim and play with rocks. I was really good at skipping rocks, and sometimes, I would hit the monster in the lake. The monster was very bad and he would be mean to other people, and a lot of people wanted to him to leave the lake,. That was why I wanted to blow him up, but things went wrong. I made a bomb but it exploded badly, and killed my parents. I miss them very much, as much as I hate it here. I want to go home.

Name: _____ _______
Birthplace: Pokrovskoye, Tyumen Oblast, RSFSR

Previous Occupations: Class 2 Gefreiter, Heavy artillery gunner (Hungary, 1956)
Bolshoi Ballet, member

Current occupations: Heavy Weapons expert, Reliable Excavation Demolition

Cause of concern: Throughout his history, ____ _______ has not shown himself to be an outstanding communist. His records and reported grades show him to be mediocre in most subjects excluding mathematics, and therefore ignorant of the Socialist cause. The company he has joined, Purple Multinational, is an American company, run by an CEO who has shown herself to be inimical towards the proletariat cause. It is of concern that he might be susceptible to aberrations during his stay, and may be turned towards unacceptable ideals. We request he be removed from his position returned to the USSR as soon as possible.

-Leonid Brehznev
Chief of Citizen Watch Division


What you have done is unacceptable. I have discussed this with the committee, and we are in consensus; you have abused your power and transgressed beyond what Purple Multinational has regulated you to do.

May I remind you, my dear R., who it is that gave you your position. To utter a trite cliché, I created you, as a corporatist and as an executive in this company. We have been acquaintances and allies for years now, and I would even consider you a friend, insofar as competing colleagues can bond on an emotional level. I will not, however, tolerate your latest actions. I will present you with an ultimatum; revoke the power emergency orders have allocated you, or face expulsion from this company. May I remind who the CEO is here; I.

Ursula Fabrietti

The Times
Monday, December 16, 1968


In an unexpected announcement, Builder’s League United has announced that it will be purchasing and liquidating it’s main rival and adversary, Reliable Excavation Demolition. The companies, which were previously in a quasi-union as corollary companies of Purple Multinational, have fought on the opposite sides of various sides in numerous international conflicts, most often as proxies for other nations. While they are known for using similar equipment and tactics, this move has been taken as a shock by many international observers and investors in the business.

“It is no longer wieldy to have both companies functioning as independent entities,” the new CEO of Purple Multinational, Renald Athos, said in the announcement today. “As of now, two will become one, and BLU will become stronger than ever.” this comes after a string of changes in P. Multinational’s operating procedures, including the accelerated production of several new technologies and an expansion of the corporation by 60%. Competitors in the field are wary, citing these recent changes as threatening caveats the world should take into consideration.

“This just isn’t natural,” Lyndon Allard, a military subcontractor working for Aperature Arms, Inc. said to our reporter. “They’re bloating themselves, mobilizing, preparing for something. It’s like with the Third Reich; you don’t expand this much for no reason. RED and BLU combined can only spell bad news for the world.”

The former CEO of P. International, Ursula Fabrietti, could not be reached by our interviewer.



Maybe I didn’t get the point across last time. I don’t like to repeat myself. It irritates me; oh, how it irritates me. You’ve got a pretty little neck, so don’t make me wring it, you fucking little slut. I’ll tell you this, I’m no ordinary stalker. You can’t ignore me any more than you can ignore breathing; I’ll always be there, and I’ll always love you. So you better fucking love me back, if you know what’s good for you.

Don’t make me repeat myself.
-Your Stalker


M.’s dead.
>> No. 5020
God, I love your letters, Sonne.

Nice to see some things we talked about show up.
>> No. 5021
>(Note: made the provided questionnaire into a paper hat; quite possibly illiterate)

Oh you

>> No. 5025
>something big I'm going to start on soon
>> No. 5110

I love the fact that valve has just given me a goldmine of stuff to use in my fic writing

Wow! It’s been a long week. Businesses to subsume, contracts to be negotiated, bribes to be doled out, and coffee to get- they really do keep their interns busy around here. Ever since that last guy was rushed to the hospital with coffee burns and fingernail scratches, I’ve been the main assistant to the Announcer. She’s a scary lady, always blunt and callous and with little patience, and she doesn’t expect me to slip up. Like two days ago, when I got the wrong brand of cigarettes for her, she locked me in a sweatbox! For four hours! Ha ha…actually, come to think of it, that’s wasn’t funny at all.

There’s something interesting about the Announcer you might want to know; she hates friendships. Whenever the word comes up in conversation, she visibly cringes, and it’s stipulated in the contract of her mercenaries that friendships are forbidden. She watches them like a hawk, making sure both teams (did you know they’re both controlled by the same person? It sure surprised me) stay professional and don’t form friendships with each other. That’s why yesterday, when I had to bring to light certain…occurrences between RED’s Demoman and BLU’s Soldier, she was apoplectic. I can’t disclose much, except that she’s planning to savagely destroy whatever bonds they might have. It strikes me as quite a pity, not being able to make friendships. The two of them make quite a cute couple (especially that Demoman).

Could you send me some more lip-gloss? The Announcer took all that I had three days ago. And maybe get me the new Beatles album? (It’s the white one, just titled The Beatles). I’d really appreciate it, seeing as how my chances of getting off for Christmas seem as slim as a razor.

All my love,

Anita Pauling
>> No. 5112

>> No. 5114
I can't help but wonder if they are now allowed to make friends with anyone, or if it's only the opposite team. Because Scout and Sniper seemed like friends in that other comic.
>> No. 5116
Oh! And now that we know for sure that they can leave the base, what about a look at their calendars? What plans do they have for the week/month?
>> No. 5118
the biggest problem writing these is format. If I could use more than just text, I'd be able to create a lot more than what I have. I don't know how I could do a calender, but maybe I could make notes jotting down appointments for 2 o' clock, 3 o' clock, etc.
>> No. 5119
Hmm. Now that the board lets you upload pictures I guess you could use that?

Some computer office programs have calender creation options. Or you could doodle on top of a pic from google?

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