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5163 No. 5163
A little stress relief before I storm the last of my finals. Short, nearly painless, wacky Sniper/Spy.

Pic so horribly related that the fic wouldn’t make sense otherwise. Taken from: http://www.teamfortress.com/war/saxtonhale/poopyjoe.htm


Spy wouldn’t have exactly called it a shriek. It was more of a startled yell, if anything. To give him credit, it had been spurred on by the most hideous mask he had ever seen. Well, he didn’t think it was a mask at first, which was supposedly the point. One moment he was walking down the hallway, and the next he was faced with a very angry looking gorilla.

“Mon Dieu!” he had said, after not shrieking. No, he wasn’t going to run away, he was stumbling backwards to get a better look at the monster. Ah, there. Now that he could see better (from a ten meter distance), the gorilla had Sniper’s body, clearly indicating that Sniper was beneath that mask. Or that it was really a gorilla with a particularly nice body. Spy hoped it was the former.

With his heart still beating at a disgraceful tempo, he walked back to Sniper, prodding his chest with an angry finger. “What the ‘ell was that for?” he snapped.

The gorilla (that he hoped was Sniper) straightened and Spy was embarrassed to admit that he was glad when the gorilla spoke with a muffled Australian accent.

“Oh, piss, I didn’t think...uh. I was just wonderin’—“ the gorilla began, sounding flustered, “—well, there’s a nice bar I know out town. In town. Out in town. I was thinking we could—”


The Announcer’s voice cut through the air, stealing away whatever the gorilla had to say. Spy frowned. The timing was awful, but he was not so stupid that he couldn’t draw his own conclusion.

“Sure. Why not,” he said, “Perhaps after we take care of the Scout, oui?”

If the mask was capable of making expressions, Spy was positive that it would have been grinning. It might have been worth saying yes if he could actually see Sniper grin, but he supposed that now was not the time to be picky. Or ask any awkward questions.

“R-right!” said the gorilla, sounding very happy with itself.

“…You are looming. It is a little uncomfortable,” Spy added, rocking back on his heels. The mask was unnerving, which was ironic, considering that he worked with at least nine of them.

“Oh. Sorry. I’ll get going then,” the gorilla said and started to head down the hallway, “Later, Spy.”

Spy watched the human-bodied primate disappear around the corner, not sure whether to be confused, pleased, or wary. He settled for all three.

“Well, this will be interesting,” he muttered to himself, and headed out to care of the enemy Scout, only to find that Pyro had gotten to the RED before he did.

Spy spent the rest of the day sneaking around the RED’s base but had no luck in getting their intelligence. It was disappointing, but so had been the sight of Demoman waiting outside his door when the fighting was over.

“Aye, Sniper said to tell you that he’s up in the infirmary.”

Spy didn’t like to say that he became worried, but he did walk briskly—not run— to the infirmary. Medic was outside, talking with Engineer.

“Is he all right?” Spy asked. He was leaning against the wall, very casual, and it had nothing to do with running up a flight of stairs at full speed.

“Lookin’ a little winded, Spy,” Engineer observed and held out the canteen of water he had, “Need some?”

Spy ignored Engineer and took Medic by the arm, “Is Sniper all right?”

Medic looked momentarily bemused. “Oh. Yes. I suppose he is.”

“What do you mean ‘suppose’?” He was sure that Medic was smirking at him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“See for yourself, Herr Spy,” he said, nodding towards the door.

Without another word, Spy went in. And felt like he had a heart attack.

The goddamn gorilla was there, but that was at least half of it.

Spy knew that he had a sense of humor. He liked irony when it wasn’t directed towards him and he also liked sarcasm in healthy amounts, maybe slapstick when the time was right, and he dearly loved morbid humor.

So maybe he could have smiled when he saw a gorilla with a noose around its neck, balancing on a wobbling stool that threatened to tip over at any moment. A gorilla committing suicide. It could be funny. Except that gorilla was Sniper and, dear god, nothing was making any sense.

Putain! Get down from there!” Spy shouted, “What are you doing?”

“Oi, you said that we’ll go out for a couple of beers, right?”

Spy stared. He hated beer, but he didn’t think that was going to be the right thing to say. “Yes?”

“After we took care of the RED Scout, you said.”

That had been hours ago and, technically, Pyro was the one who did it. But that was beside the point, which Spy wasn’t even sure he understood himself. “I meant after work! After! I am not joking, Sniper, get off the chair.”

“Hold on, I’m almost done,” the gorilla said, “Medic just diagnosed me with something.” He pointed to a chart on one of the beds.

Keeping a careful eye on Sniper, Spy went to check the clipboard.

“It’s diabetes,” he read, “Sniper, that is not even life-threatening if—merde, is that a tombstone?!”

“Standin’ over my grave, love.”

Spy stepped back. He didn’t even know what was going on anymore.

“Listen, Sniper,” he began, facing the gorilla, “I apologize if I didn’t meet you at the bar today. We had a misunderstanding.”

“Just like Tuesday. I asked you out and you never showed,” the gorilla crossed his arms, appearing disgruntled as a gorilla could be with a noose around its neck.

“I was busy! I told you.”

“Yeah. After I waited two hours.”

“I’m sorry!” Spy said, “Now just get down. Please.”

“And last week—“

Spy lurched forward, attempting to get a hold on Sniper or steady the stool, but Sniper tipped back with a shout, falling off. For the longest time Spy couldn’t breathe, seeing Sniper dangle for a split second and then come crashing down to the floor when the noose broke in half. The gorilla mask had slipped off, landing near Spy’s feet with a malicious, tooth-baring grin, but it wasn’t the only thing that had slipped.

Spy slowly sank to the ground, picking up the small book that had fallen from Sniper’s back pocket. He read the cover and went dangerously silent.

How-To-Date?” he eventually said, very slowly and very calmly.

Sniper smiled, though he was right to be backing away.

“It says I’m supposed to be using this next,” he said and help up a defibrillator.

And Spy was happy to find that his new Larate Kit worked perfectly well.
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>> No. 5165
This was a nice read, as per usual, Tantarded.
>> No. 5166
Oh, Sniper, you adorable fool. Spy doing Larate both scares me and arouses my interests...

Great work (as always ♥), Tan. C:
>> No. 5220
Aww, cute. Definitely should have looked over the picture a second time before delving into the text, however...
>> No. 5222
Aw, thanks guys! I know this wasn't at my best.

I can't imagine reading this without seeing the pictures first. Jesus, that would have been a dose of wut-da-fuck, ahaha.

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