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No. 1275
I couldn't think of a title. I finished this, spent about ten minutes trying to come up with a title, sent it to a friend to read it over, then she couldn't help me with the title, so I got lazy. That's why the title sucks.

Wrote it for the Spycrab Sanctuary on DA. Hopefully will have a better title when I upload it there =/ Regardless, enjoy it here!


Scout was confused. The entire base was barren and silent, which just didn’t make sense. Even in ceasefire it was usually a hive of activity, regardless of whether the occupants were working or relaxing, before or after battle. He ran throughout the base from bottom to top to find out why the place was so /quiet/. He finally found his teammates assembled on the battlements and began to loudly announce that he had found them when he was shushed very quickly.
“What are you shushin’...?” He started but faltered, as he approached the eight men staring down into no-man’s-land, noticing what they had seen. “Holy fuck...” was the only conclusion he could draw to, flopping onto the ground and grabbing a can of soda.

What the RED team had seen was a very rare, highly elusive Spycrab. While it copied the appearance and colouring of their own Spy, who was calmly smoking a cigarette to Scout’s right, it had several features it couldn’t hide. Its legs where slightly bowed, as if crouching, and although it didn’t affect its ability to walk as a biped it resulted in the creature having a slow, uneven scuttle. But the main distinction was the appendage that protruded from the right wrist – a sleek, heavy pincer that easily dwarfed the human left hand the Spycrab had.

The creature was lurking by the bridge, surveying the surroundings for danger. It eventually settled by the lake, dipping its claw in to snap up whatever it could find in the water. It wasn’t a fussy eater either, happily eating whatever it fished from the murky depths. Scout took another mouthful from his can, turning to the convened men. “So, what’s the big deal with those things anyway?” He jabbed a thumb in the direction of the oblivious Spycrab. Demoman, who seemed to have been on a drinking binge before arriving, waved his bottle around energetically.

“You don’t know lad?” He slurred, keeping his voice down. “Those one-handed sea-Spies are our friends! They kill the monsters of the deep!” At this he raised a bottle towards the Spycrab in a salute, barely restrained himself from shouting “Cheers!” and downed it heartily. Scout raised an eyebrow at this explanation. It took him a few moments to realise that nobody was correcting this description and he looked around them wildly.
“What, you’re telling me he’s right?” he yelled, only to be quickly hushed by Medic as the Spycrab shifted, glancing around again.

Soldier gave a short chuckle from his seat next to Sniper, who was polishing his rifle and largely ignoring Scout’s outbursts, and slung an arm around Scout’s shoulders.
“Trust me on this son – despite being cowardly sons of she-crabs, they are men of war!” He was cut off by Heavy, who was leaning against the hot wood facing Solider. He laughed heartily, unable to control the volume. Scout looked between them getting confused and annoyed.
“Can someone just tell me what th-“

But before he could finish his sentence, the sound of thrashing water drew gasps from the team. Those who had been sitting got to their feet and all clambered to the ledge to see the water’s edge clearer. Scout quickly followed and, slipping between Pyro and Engineer, followed their gazes to the ground.
“Wha...What is that thing?” He shouted in shock, leaning precariously forward.

From the lake had burst a tower of blue tentacles, tangling themselves into the docile Spycrab, which was now struggling and trying to back out of the clammy tendrils reach. It was to be in vain as their grasp only tightened, coiling around the resistant prey like boas. Something burst from the filthy lake, rearing like an angry snake. The tentacles were attached to the torso of /another/ aquatic Spy, this one appearing far more hostile then the struggling Spycrab. It was grinning darkly, gloved hands grabbing the Spycrabs shoulder and tie as the tentacles continued to constrict around the seemingly helpless prey.

Amid the mass of slimy tentacles the red pincer shot out, gripping the Tentaspys neck. The creature choked, trying to pry the heavy claw from its throat using its hands, dropping the smoke. The tentacles loosened, slipping away from the Spycrabs body to tighten around the offending arm when the grip increased from uncomfortable to crushing pressure. The Tentaspy gave a banshee cry when the Spycrab suddenly twisted, throwing it from the water to the dusty ground. It was clear that on land, the Spycrab had the advantage. The Tentaspy tried to stand - suckers on the octopus-like limbs trying to grip the ground to allow it to move adequately - but it was clear that the tentacles were designed for underwater movement and grabbing unfortunate prey, and nothing else.

Its usual trickery was of no use here either. Both sub-species of Spy could cloak and disguise themselves at will, to elude or attract others, but what use was it when movement was impossible and the enemy was watching? The Tentaspy growled angrily, thrashing as the Spycrab scuttled carefully forward, snapping it’s pincer as it figured out an attack. Quite suddenly, it melted into thin air. The flopping Tentaspy only thrashed more, dragging itself desperately towards the water. If it made it back into the depths, it’d either escape or launch a counterattack. It made it to the water’s edge, hulling itself by its hands, ready to slip in with a victorious smirk.

Suddenly, it gave a loud wail, entire body arching. The Spycrab had reappeared, looming over the Tentaspy, its pincer open and buried into the blue Spy’s back. The pincer snapped shut, closing over flesh and breaking bones. Blood spurted out, lightly splattering the Spycrabs suit and pooling over the Tentaspy. With a twist to quicken the blood flow and cause more damage, the Spycrab stood, ripping out the now bloody claw out of the corpse. It examined the flesh it had torn out and ate it quietly, pushing the body into the water respectfully.

The men on the battlements had watched the fight in awe, half in silence and half with rowdy cheering for the Spycrab. Scout in particular had been in involved in a mixture of both. In the aftermath they settled down again, resuming their casual positions with words of pride for the red Spycrab. Scout remained standing, looking down at the strange creature. He still felt confused about it but still felt the rush of a spectator victory. It was like watching the Red Sox smack the Yankees into the ground.

“That was a Tentaspy.” He turned to see Sniper calmly return his gaze, a beer in hand. It took him a moment to realise the Aussie was answering the question he began asking when the tentacles first erupted from the water.
“Worst then bloody Nessie they are!” Demoman piped up. He seemed to consider himself the authority on marine life after trying to blow up a very large specimen at the age of six and, with only a few corrections from the team, he began to describe the characteristics of the Tentaspy. Needless to say, Scout felt pretty sick afterward and was looking at the Spycrab, who was now cleaning the bloody pincer with a handkerchief and some water, with newfound respect.

“So that...Spycrab. They take on the Tentaspies?”
“Yeah. They’re completely docile otherwise – they scuttle away from people.” Engineer said casually, leaning back on his toolbox.
“Wait, so they’re scared of people but actually /go after/ those fucking rape mutants?” Scout said incredulously. Nods from the group confirmed it. Scout thought for a moment, still brimming with questions.
“Why? Why do they attack Tentaspies?”
“Nobody is sure. Not much is known about Spycrabs. I would love to dissect a specimen...but they are endangered so I must not.” Medic sighed heavily. His love of hacking fellow living things for science evidently had some boundaries. “Such strange creatures. Their behaviour is unexplained – sometimes they will attack the Tentaspies, other times they will not. But they never turn on humans, even though we pose the greater threat.”

The Spycrab below was done preening itself and was beginning to scuttle away. Heavy noticed and boomed out after it, thanking it and calling it a credit to the team, which made the creature jump. It turned and saw them but didn’t shy away. Instead, it held its arms above its head and snapped the claw open and shut rapidly, swaying its body a little. The team laughed and waved back, except for the Spy. He smirked and pulled out his cigarette case. Holding it in his right hand, he crouched slightly behind the others and mimicked the Spycrab, the case acting as his pincer.

The Spycrab smiled back at the gesture and scuttled off happily, curling around the RED base perimeter. The others hadn’t noticed Spy’s communication with the hybrid and began to leave the battlements to resume the activities they had been doing before seeing the creature. Spy remained for a moment, taking a deep drag from his cigarette before nodding to himself and also leaving.

The RED base began to pulse with energy and noise again as the lake remained quiet, seemingly devoid of life. The Spycrabs hid, eating scraps ranging from food to Engineer metal, while the Tentaspies lurked, prowling the depths for their next victim. The battle sirens began to sound. The Spycrabs exchanged nervous looks, some scuttling for safety, some heading for the water. The Tentaspies smirked to themselves, slipping into waterways under the bases. Men began to pour from the RED and BLU bases.

Just another day at war.
Marked for deletion (old)
>> No. 1276
Haha oh my god

This rocks so much
>> No. 1278
I just snorted half a bottle of soda up my nose reading this. Bravo, you magnificent bastard.

...now excuse me while I go blow Sprite out of my sinuses.
>> No. 1280
this is a surprisingly good story and also clickclick
>> No. 1281
Click click click click snap, my good man.
Click click click click snap.
>> No. 1283
holy fucking shit

>> No. 1288
You, sir/madam, win a medal.
>> No. 1294
After reading this I cannot stop picturing a discovery channel documentary focused on the elusive spycrab. I love you.
>> No. 1297
Oh wow, this is awesome.

loved the bit about Spy communicating with the Spycrab.
>> No. 1303
This might just be the greatest, non-sexually oriented aquatic spy one shot fic I've ever read!
>> No. 1309
that was very cool.
>> No. 1320
>> No. 1336
This gets my seal of approval.
>> No. 1352
This should be on the Discovery Channel. :'u
>> No. 1364
Hoho, so cute.
>> No. 1365
great fic if i can say so!
>> No. 1416
The team laughed and waved back, except for the Spy. He smirked and pulled out his cigarette case. Holding it in his right hand, he crouched slightly behind the others and mimicked the Spycrab, the case acting as his pincer.

That part was the best.
>> No. 1428
Agreed with this. :)
>> No. 1432
I really liked this story. It was interesting and funny.
>> No. 3122
omg that's awesome! and now i want a spy-crab as a pet.
*pouts in corner knowing its impossible*
>> No. 3123

>> No. 3133
Dusk, tell me what you're drinking or smoking, BECAUSE I WANT SOME OF THAT. :D
>> No. 3154
I love you and I love this. This, combined with your other works, officially makes you my favorite writer here.

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