Recently, my anon friend asked me “what would RED do with 1000 condoms?” I decided to answer it through fic. And by some perverse twist of fate, it’s nowhere near /afanfic level.

It’s pretty much finished/answered in my mind, though feel free to speculate how things played out.

-------


The supply train couldn’t have arrived at a more convenient time, a bright and cheery Sunday afternoon with a cool breeze to give relief from the sun and cloudless sky. Scout was practically bouncing off the walls, he was so excited. Tomorrow was going to be their first furlough Monday ever. Sure, they’ve had furlough days before, but never on the same days as the BLU team, so Scout couldn’t count it as a day off when he had to constantly defend himself from the attacking enemy. It was a bad joke, really. The guys up at RED Company were dicks like that.

The train came right on time, and Scout sprinted into the cargo hold before Heavy could even slide the shrieking metal door open all the way.

“I hope dey sent us those cherries again,” Scout said to no one in particular, “Man, dey were the shit.” He looked around, seeing the usual ammo crates and boring food stocks. Checking back a sigh, he picked up one of the smaller crates of food—fucking carrots—and handed it over to the Engineer with a little more shove than necessary.

“Oomf,” Engineer grunted, his yellow hardhat the only thing visible from behind the crate. “I hate to break it to ya, boy, but cherries are outta season now. They’ll probably be givin’ us apples.” The Texan turned to hand over the carrots to Medic outside, who passed it to Sniper, and down the line the carrots went.

Scout glanced around the freight car and snorted, “Don’t see no apples here, Engie. Looks like we’re outta luck this time.” He tossed a box of toilet paper and Engineer caught it with a mumbled curse.

Spy was missing, of course. Only, this time he had a legitimate reason to be skipping out with unloading the supplies back to base. Too much stress, the doc had said. Not enough off days, which had resulted in a harrowing week of hearing maniac laughter from time to time from the Frenchman. Spy had to literally be wrestled into his bed before he stabbed anyone after fighting hours. (They got Sundays off, and Scout thought that was fine enough, but apparently not everyone could handle it.) So Spy was still locked in his room, foaming at the mouth or something. Scout never really visited Spy after the time he got his hand bitten.

In fact, now that he thought about it, the whole team’s performance seemed to be a little off lately. It wasn’t as good as, say, three months ago when they were all fresh and ready to battle. Even Scout had to admit to himself that getting up in the mornings was getting to be difficult, so maybe the synchronized furlough day was a good thing, for everyone.

The rest of the unloading went without incident. They got down to the last two boxes, tucked away into the corner. It looked like more toilet paper, though the count printed on the side said five hundred each, which didn’t seem like the right amount for its size. Scout knelt down and saw a logo he didn’t recognize, but he let out a whoop.

“Alright!” he said gleefully, “Bananas!”

Engineer picked a box up, careful at first, but then he lifted it up without the slightest strain. “Those aren’t bananas. Too light,” he said, climbing out of the freight car.

Curious, Scout hurriedly picked up the second box, which was as light as Engineer claimed it to be. He hopped out of the train, dropping it to the ground and used a nail to pick at the tape.

“Maybe they’re letters from back home,” Sniper mused, and turned red with embarrassment when the whole team, sans Spy, threw him an odd look.

“I bet three days worth of crackers that they’re banana seeds,” Scout announced after the awkward silence, trying to hide the fact that he was having a hard time opening the box.

“My bottle of scrumpy, an’ I say that’s a box full o’cooking herbs,” Demoman challenged. No one questioned his bet. Demoman had sent a request for spices weeks ago, so it wasn’t that all far-fetched. (“Coombinin’ spices in food is jus’ the same as buildin’ a bomb,” he had said, tossing the request form into the mail pouch.)

“Gauze,” Medic said flatly, crossing his arms, “It bettah vell be gauze.”

“Maggots,” Soldier grumbled, “That’s all they ever send.”

“Mmmpruph!” guessed Pyro.

After the bets were made, Scout pried opened the flaps and peered inside. And stared.

“What,” he began, “the fuck?”

If the count on the box was right, RED team was now the proud owner of one thousand single use condoms.

Everyone went quiet, too shocked to even be properly mortified. Scout could have sworn an hour passed by, but then Medic started to chuckle.

“So it zeems zat HQ haz a sense of humor, after all,” he said drily.

“Care to explain, Private?” Soldier snapped, picking up one of the condoms and waving it under Medic’s nose.

Medic slapped the condom away with an impatient hand, “I waz seeing zee symptoms for Herr Spy before his… breakdown, shall we zay, so I filled out a request for… for stress relief.”

Sniper threw Medic a look of disbelief. “And you suggest fornication? A thousand times? Listen, mate, I’m missin’ the fairer sex as well, but I really think—”

“I suggested no such thing!” Medic snapped, “I expected medicine, or even zcented candles, dummkopf!”

“Condom has other uses,” Heavy rumbled thoughtfully, “Friend back in mother country once used condom to keep barrel of gun dry in river.”

This seemed to appeal to Soldier, though he still looked as if he didn’t buy it. None of them did. The largest body of water they had was two connecting sewers with an average water level of three feet.

“Well, we aren’t gonna do any good, scratching our heads and standin’ out here in the sun,” Engineer said, still hefting the second box of condoms, all practical in his heavy Texan drawl. “We best not throw these away anyhow.”

Taking the already opened box, Scout and the rest of the team ambled back to their base. Sniper, Heavy, and Solider started talking about other things while Demoman and Medic strayed behind, each deep in their own thoughts. Engineer was holding a one-sided conversation with Pyro, but Scout ran next to them.

“Ya think HQ sent these as a joke?” he asked, disgusted.

“Mmmph, mmrumpph,” Pyro said with a wheeze that Scout passed for a laugh.

“It ain’t funny!” Scout said defensively, “Dis kinda stuff can put weird thoughts in a guy’s head. Man, what if Spy sees these? I know fer a fact that the man’s at least half a fag.”

Engineer looked skeptical. “Well, if ya think he’s gonna do that to ya, I don’t think he’d wait fer a condom.”

If it wasn’t for the box, Scout would have punched Engineer in the face. He settled for glaring. “I know he ain’t gonna do that t’me, ‘cause I’ll beat his ass into the ground if he tries. I’m just sayin’ having a thousand condoms can give a crazy man queer ideas.”

Meanwhile, Pyro just wheezed and wheezed.

--

Scout made it to the RED base, setting down the box of condoms in the supply closet. Engineer left immediately, saying something about putting away a few beers in the fridge for furlough day. Scout was about to follow him out, but he ran into Pyro.

Him and the fire-starter were pretty good friends. Scout would’ve said best friends, but that made him sound like a girl, so he never mentioned it out loud. They only knew each other for three months, and didn’t start hanging out until two.

“You busy?” Scout asked.

Pyro shook his head and huffed, throwing his arms up. “Mm mmrph.”

“Yeah, I’m bored too,” Scout admitted, thinking over the things he had done prior to the arriving train. He had cleaned his tiny room, polished his bat, cleaned his gun, even made his bed… He supposed he could go out for a run, but he knew Pyro wasn’t too fond of keeping up with him.

Pyro pointed to the box of condoms and tilted his head. He picked them up and started to wheeze.

“Woah, woah. You ain’t getting queer thoughts, are you?” Scout asked, backing away.

Pyro stopped wheezing and turned his head to Scout. The gasmask revealed nothing, but Scout had the strong impression that Pyro was rolling his eyes at him.

“Mmmprh, mmmph mmprmmk mmrgh,” explained Pyro, launching into a lecture of muffled exasperation.

“Okay, okay. Chill out, man. I’m sorry,” Scout said hastily.

Pyro gave him a friendly punch to the shoulder and it was all good again. He shook the box, talking thoughtfully all the while. Scout listened, and found that Pyro was pretty much a genius.

“You know, that is a good idea. But y’have to come with me. I don’t trust Spy,” Scout eventually replied, and followed Pyro out the door.

--

Spy seemed to have recovered enough to be allowed to have his door unlocked. With Pyro standing behind him holding the box, Scout pounded on the door.

“Yo, Frenchie!” Scout shouted, “You got a minute?”

The door opened just a crack and Spy poked his head out, looking as if he had just woken up, judging by his silk pajamas and nasty dried gunk at the corner of his eyes.

He took one look at Scout, Pyro, the box of condoms, and then quietly closed the door in their faces.

Scout kicked the door back open before it could click shut. Spy’s room was dark, but Pyro balanced the box on one knee and slapped the lights on. They found Spy sitting on his bed, glaring at them and already taking out a carton of cigarettes, as if resigned.

“What do you two want now?” he grumbled.

Well, so maybe Spy deserved to be a little mad at Pyro and Scout for making fun of him until he snapped. He was often at the butt end of their jokes, though he usually had a few very good comebacks that had Scout and Pyro thumping his back good-naturally.

“We wanna give the BLUs a gift for furlough day,” Scout said, jerking his head to the box.

“Zat, I believe, will send zem zee wrong message,” Spy observed with an annoyed expression, “And why must you drag me into your stupid pranks?”

“Mmmrph,” Pyro answered, shrugging.

“It ain’t just a prank,” Scout interjected before Spy could kick them out of his room, “Think about it. We send ‘em five hundred condoms and it’ll totally mess up their minds! Come the day after furlough, they’ll be so paranoid, it’ll be hilarious.”

Spy raised his brow and actually seemed to consider it. He did take special pleasure with messing with people’s heads, after all.

“And you want me to deliver zee condoms to zem, yes?”

“Oh man, I knew we could count of you, spook,” Scout said, grabbing the box from Pyro and shoving them into Spy’s arms.

Spy sighed, ignoring how Pyro had stolen a notepad from his desk and was scribbling a note. When Pyro was done, he placed the note on top of the box.

Dear BLUs,

You cockfags might be needing these.

Love,
RED

Complete with a poorly drawn heart. Scout read the note and grinned.

“Right, we’ll leave that up to you then,” he said, running out of Spy’s room with the Pyro following right behind him.

This was going to be fun.

--

The next day, Sniper came down to the common room with his rifle slung over his back. Most the REDs were there, including Scout, Heavy, Pyro, and Spy.

“The BLUs ‘cross the bridge seems a little… weird,” Sniper said, sounding baffled, “Don’t know what’s botherin’ ‘em, being our day off and all.”

Scout and Pyro exchanged grins. Or, technically, Scout grinned. He was pretty sure Pyro was doing the same thing too. Even Spy looked a little pleased with himself, though he tried to hide it by holding a cigarette in front of his face.

“Leetle man thought it would be funny to give enemy one box of condoms,” Heavy said stoically, glancing up from his book.

“Oh,” Sniper said, peering over the tops of his aviators, “But wouldn’t that be sorta sendin’ ‘em the wrong—“

“Nah, man,” Scout huffed, tired of having everyone questions his battle tactics, “It’s a distraction for tomorrow. They’ll be freakin’ out. And, Sniper, yer still goin’ up people-watchin’? It’s a fucking furlough day.”

“You’re one to talk, mate,” Sniper retorted, “I saw you patrolling base this morning.”

“Hey, hey,” Scout shot back defensively, “Old habits die hard, okay?”

Spy blew out a stream of grey smoke. “Eez anyone really just relaxing, or are we all here, bored?”

The room fell silent, except for Heavy, who loudly turned a page of his book, making his point. Scout tried to sneak a glance at the book, but it was all in Russian and had no pictures.

“Mmmrph mmmph mmmrr,” Pyro said, pointing to Demoman’s room where faint snoring could be heard.

“And Engie’s buildin’ sentries in the basement,” Scout added, “Medic is, hell, I don’t even wanna know. Probably workin’ on something evil.”

“So even on off day, we are either bored, or still working,” Heavy said, sounding amused.

There was a pause. Scout knew he had hobbies. There was running and baseball, but baseball was not a one-player sport, so he never bothered much with it unless he got Pyro to play pitcher.

“Well, where’s Soldier?” Sniper asked to break the silence.

Probably doing push-ups and sit-ups in his room, Scout thought sourly. He was about to say so when a piercing shriek cut through the room, followed by the thump of a heavy body falling on the ground.

“What the--?”

Everyone got up and hurried towards the base’s entrance. Scout briefly saw Heavy carefully insert a bookmark into his book before he just shook his head and ran out the door.

They found Soldier lying on the ground outside, unmoving. Engineer had come up, rolling the other man over and shaking slightly.

“What happened?” Scout asked, jogging up to them and leaving the rest of the REDs behind.

“Well, looks light yer plan backfired,” Engineer croaked, putting a hand over his face.

Panic making his stomach turn over, Scout took a closer look at Soldier. The guy didn’t look beat up or anything, but—oh shit—it wouldn’t look like that, wouldn’t it? Scout gently touched Soldier’s shoulder and found it wet. Confused, he looked around and found broken condoms littering the ground.

“What—?“

WHAP.

Something came flying into Scout’s face, squishy and wet. It exploded in a shower of cold water. Scout was knocked sideways with a yelp. He turned to Engineer, who was still covering his face.

The man wasn’t crying. He was laughing.

Before Scout could figure it all out, another flying wet thing smashed into his shoulder, sending Scout jumping to the side.

“Shit, that’s cold!” he shrieked, running in a serpentine circle. He slowed down enough to peel away the thing that hit him.

It was a broken condom.

Throwing it away in disgust, he looked up to find every single BLU standing on the other side of the bridge, hooting away like they were in hysterics. Everyone… except for the—

“Bonjour, Red Scout!” Engineer suddenly said, and in a blur of blue smoke, he was the BLU Spy, hefting a water-filled condom. “I ‘ope you will be ‘appy zat we ‘ave accepted your challenge.”

And then he lazily lobbed it at Scout’s head. It broke with a sharp snap, drenching Scout for the third time.

“Mmmrph mmrph mmmr!” Pyro shouted. The rest of the RED team gathered behind him, looking confused.

“THIS MEANS WAR,” Solider screamed, sitting up as BLU Spy cackled and ran back to his base where his teammates gave him a round of high-fives.

“Vhat is going on here?” Medic snapped, just coming out. He was immediately hit with a water-condom.

“That,” Scout deadpanned.

Medic seemed to make eye-contact with his assaulter—the BLU Pyro. He slowly took off his glasses, wiping the droplets away.

“Ve still have zat otha box, yes?” he asked icily. Before Scout could answer, Medic was heading back into the base.

Pretty soon, it was raining condoms in front of RED base. Everybody started to retreat back inside, thoroughly wet, except for Spy, who had watched the whole thing from inside.

“You can’t be serious,” Spy said, having prudently grabbed a bundle of towels and was handing them out to his soaking teammates. “Zis eez zee most childish thing I’ve ever—“

BLU Spy was probably feeling cocky, Scout thought, because the other Frenchman had followed them into their own base cloaked and smashed two water-condoms onto Spy’s shoulders before running out the door, laughing wildly.

“Your forty-dollar suit looks better like zat, mon ami!” BLU Spy called out.

Scout was pretty sure he heard a raspberry being blown right after, but Heavy slammed the door shut, looking none too pleased about his wet book.

“You actually brought dat thing—?” Scout began.

“Other team will pay for it,” Heavy finished in a deadly voice.

“Damn right they will!” Soldier barked, “Now where’s that damn Engineer? Gotta make sure he can make something that will launch those little suckers far…” He left towards Engineer’s room, still rambling.

It seemed that everyone was feeling the same. So much for a boring day, Scout mused happily to himself. Sure, he had gotten his ass handed over by the BLUs, but all that was going to change once the team got ready to attack them. It was better than being shot at by guns at any rate.

“Che,” Spy scowled, throwing a towel over his shoulders and shaking his head. He started to walk out of the room.

“And where do ya think you’re going?” asked Scout, crossing his arms.

“I’m going to ‘elp Medic get zee box,” Spy said, stripping off his wet jacket and rolling up the sleeves of his shirt.

“And I am going to teach zat BLU mongrel a zing or two about suits.”


---

“Best. Fucking. Furlough. Day. Ever,” Scout proclaimed, throwing himself down on one of the couches.

“Ach, you are getting zee couch all wet,” Medic scolded, but he flopped down next Scout, exhausted.

Eventually every single RED made their way to the common room, dropping into free chairs or even the ground. Possibly the only one who wasn’t soaked to the bone was Pyro, and even then, his suit was leaving a puddle from where he sat on the floor.

It was hard to tell who had won that day. Of course Scout would say that RED kicked BLU’s sorry ass all over the forts, but they had ran out of their makeshift water balloons at about the same time and after a few more throws, they called a truce.

Still, it had been fun. Scout wasn’t even going to lie, he had enjoyed himself like a fucking kid on candy. He never did thought that Sniper was actually good at being in the frontlines—it was probably from throwing all that Jarate around—or that Medic had a good arm., so maybe he’d ask the doc to play pitcher sometime. The BLUs weren’t all that bad either. It turned out the other scout liked to collect baseball cards too, and that the BLU Soldier was just was wacky in the head as theirs.

“Never again,” Spy muttered from the corner, but Scout noticed that the Frenchman had lost a lot of the tension from his shoulders. He even looked a little relaxed, or maybe that was just him being tired.

The others were quick to sound an agreement.

“Aw, guys. It wasn’t that bad,” Scout interjected, but stopped when a round of glares were thrown his way. He found it kind of sad that they wanted to act as if it never happened. Unwilling to make his point, he stood up and headed towards the showers.

“Still the best fucking day ever,” he muttered under his breath and grinned.

---
End.