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No. 1520
Reposted for you.


The BLU Sniper walked into the 2fort base's meeting room, and sat down.

He was the first there. This was the kind of environment he thrived in - a quiet, lonesome place, with the humming of the lamps replacing the calls of the birds and chirping of crickets he'd got used to in the Outback. He wanted to enjoy this silence before the others got here - putting his feet up on the table, he closed his eyes and laid back on his chair.

A few minutes later, he felt the slightest twitch. He was no longer alone.

"You took your time.", he said without opening his eyes, apparently to an empty room.

There was silence. The room remained still. And then the Spy materialised slowly in his chair.

"How on earth do you do that...?" he said irritably, lighting up a cigarette.


"Besides...you are early."

"And everyone else is late."

"We all have jobs to do here, Sniper..."

There was a distant crash.

"Wellp," said Sniper, opening his eyes and drawing his hat back, "here comes the cavalry."


The door slammed open as the Soldier and Scout arrived, side by side, squabbling over who could get in first.

"Aw, man, when did you chumps get here?!" yelled the Scout.

"This meeting was scheduled at 1900 hours! Have you two been slacking on your patrols?!" boomed the Soldier, shoving the pipsqueak into a chair and slumping down himself.

"It don't matter," said Sniper, "we still need to wait fer-"

"Sorry I'm late, boys," said the Engineer, walking in and slumping down between the Spy and Sniper. "Had a little...RED trouble."

"We understand," grumbled the Spy, drawing another cigarette from his case. Suddenly, he had a faceful of flame...

"Mmmph!", said the newly-arrived Pyro, apparently proud of their lighting a cigarette.

"Eh...thanks...I suppose." mumbled the Spy, puffing on it. It had a sooty aftertaste.

The Engineer wiped the soot off his goggles. The Sniper calmly extinguished the end of one of the arrows in his quiver with a pinch. For a few minutes, the silence was broken only by a gentle puffing on a cigarette.

"I heard there was meeting!" came a deep voice from the doorway. The Heavy marched into the room, and sat down, munching at a Sandvich.

"This'd bet'r be important...I wa' in the middle o' a date with a bottle a' Famous Grouse..." said the Demoman, wandering in behind him.

"Ja, ja, all zat alcohol cannot be good for you..." said the Medic, shuffling in afterwards and sitting down next to the Heavy. The Demoman slumped next to the Sniper, and swigged at his bottle of eyebleeder.

"Well...it looks like we are still one down." said the Spy, surveying the room calmly as the classes shuffled in their places.


Suddenly, there was a loud clang, and a mechanical whirr, and the room fell silent. The elevator at the far end of the room came down to earth, and the Announcer herself strode off, briefcase in hand, looking as sour as ever. She sat at the head of the table, in her big, comfy chair, next to the Spy who quietly nudged the ashtray between them as she lit her own cigarette and slammed the intel onto the table.

The silence was broken by the tapping of her long fingernails on the table as she peered maliciously as the room's occupants. The Heavy shivered. Finally, she spoke.

"This meeting has been called...because there is a RED Spy in the base."

There were gasps and notes of alarm from around the table. The Sniper and the Spy didn't react.

"The last time I left you morons to sort this issue out yourself...", she said in an irritated tone, "we lost our briefcase full of intelligence."

"That was the Soldier's fault." interrupted the Spy, who sat up in his chair. "I knew exactly who that Spy was, and then he had to go trigger-happy, which is as I should have suspected of the average American barbarian."

"I have already apologised for that little...error." grumbled the Soldier. "Can we focus on the task at hand here? There are REDs in the base, and if we don't figure out how to find 'em and slaughter 'em, our asses are grass, do ya understand that?!"

"Be quiet, both of you!" snapped the Announcer. "The intelligence is quite safe for now. The Spy is the issue now...but there's more to it."

"If...", said the Sniper, eyes closed again, "you're about to tell us that the Spy is one of us, you don't need to pussy-foot around it."


Immediately there was concern around the table. The Sniper's word was wise, if not technically as authorative, as the Announcer to most of the team. The Spy didn't react - the Announcer herself twitched slightly, and the Pyro rose out of their chair, reaching for the flamethrower.

"No.", said the Heavy, pushing the Pyro back down. "You will get soot on Sasha! I will snap neck if you flame Sasha, ya?"

The Announcer cleared her throat. "I won't allow fire in the same room as the intelligence. This is delicate, do you understand?"

"So vat do you intend for us to do?" said the Medic, spinning his Bonesaw between his fingers.

"It's simple. I've locked down the room - nobody gets in or out until we find out who this rogue is."

"Aaaaaand how do you 'spect us to work this out, huh? You think we're psychic or somethin'? Hey, Mantis..." said the Scout, nudging the Pyro, "See if ya can't work out who the scumbag is."

"This ain't no laughin' matter, son." muttered the Engineer, taking out a bottle of Fine from his pocket. "If that Spy leaves this here room, we end up in another situation like we did a couple'days ago."

"Then it's simple. We figure oot who the bas'ted is, and we blow 'em ter smithereens."

"Easier said than done." said the Spy. "He is a Spy, like me...trained to replicate each of you perfectly. He needs not even change his face to copy me..."

There was silence for a moment. Then the Soldier stirred. "You don't think-"

"I swear, if you make a move for your shotgun I will PUNCTUATE you, Spy or no Spy, do you understand?"

"Can you two shut up fer a minute?" barked the Sniper. The table snapped to attention.

"It's simple. If the Spy is one of us, we just need to work out where we were a few minutes ago. That's when he entered the building, right?"

"Yes, that's correct." said the Announcer. Perhaps she was in charge, but the Sniper (and Spy, were he not in a petty argument) had a habit of getting people to notice the obvious.


"Fer example...I was on the battlements a few minutes ago. I shot a few REDs, then remembered the meeting and walked back here. I remember seeing you, truckie, whacking on yer Sentry up by the courtyard steps. Then I walked down 'ere, sat down, and waited fer you miserable lot." He eyed the crowd carefully. "Next."

The Spy sat up to attention. "I was in the courtyard of the RED base when I decided to head back. I passed the Medic and Pyro as they squabbled with some foolish RED Soldier, and our fat friend over there standing around on the battlements. You too, Engineer, working on your sentry...and then I slipped into this seat."

The Announcer nodded. "This could be getting somewhere. We may as well go in order...Scout, where were you before you got here?"

"Me? I was in the RED sewer, bringin' their intel home. Dumb bastards ain't got a clue how to defend...past mumblemouth here in our sewer, dashed past hardhat halfway down the spiral, dropped off the intel and left the room just in time to see tinhead over there waltzin' down the courtyard stairs. He and I got here the same time."


"Tommy and I-"

"Oi," said the Demoman. "Tommies are English."

"Whatever. We met up on the RED spiral staircase - he'd just blown their little Sentry nest to hell and back. He reminded me about the meeting, and we both rushed off the battlements towards our own base. Just in time to watch Medic there disappear into our doorway under our battlements, which the commie was standing on top of...eyeball here had to stickyjump up to them, the showoff. I just ran here normally, down the courtyard stairs and saw that delinquent lurking about in the corner."


"You didn't mention the Engineer.", said the Announcer.

"Ma'am, I were already gone by the time he must've passed. Stayed there for a while, fixin' bolts...saw Sniper, saw Spy. Then I decided to get me a beer 'fore I left fer the meeting, so I went back to the fridge in respawn. Saw Demo there, too. We had us a chat, traded a bottle fer a bottle. It were only about a minute - then I went down the spiral and got passed by Scout. Ended up walkin' behind them."

There was silence for a while.

Then Pyro shrugged and sounded an audible "Mrrph."

"I think...that is the best we can get out of them." said the Spy. "What about you, my heavy-set friend?"

"Me? I vas on battlements, eating Sandvich." said the Heavy. He suddenly looked downtrodden. "Meeting interrupt lunch break."

"And where did you go, mate?" said the Sniper.

"I saw Medic running into base in front of me. Then Demoman appeared, and he said there vas meeting...but I was in the middle of eating. I stayed there for a few minutes, then went down spiral staircase to meeting room."



"Yeh know what I were doin', but I'll tell ye anyway. I were blowin' up stuff in the RED base when I found Soldier lurkin' aboot on the spiral. We ran off the RED battlements, saw Medic, and I jumped mah way up ter our battlements. Told lardy ov'r there 'boot the meetin', then stopped at the fridge fer a smack o' the refreshin'. Engy came in, we talked aboot armour platin' on stuff, shared some of me Grouse and his moonshine, and then he buggered off. Had another drink, then ran down the spiral staircase, just in time ter see Heavy run inter that door."

"And you, Medic?"

"Ze Pyro und I vere fighting a RED Soldier vhen ve started heading back. Zey took za sewer route, und I headed directly zere over za bridge - I saw ze Heavy on za battlements, und vas overtaken by Scout in the corridor and Pyro in za courtyard before I got here."

There was a silence. When the Announcer realised that there were thirteen eyeballs in her direction, she growled irritably.

"I'm not the Spy, you fools. My data isn't even on file!"

The Spy leaned over to the Sniper, and muttered into his ear.

"I trust you know who the RED Spy is?"

"Yeah," he replied. "Both of them."


You have until...whenever I get back here, if ever, to work out who the two RED Spies are. And if you already know, at least hide your boasting as a guess.
Marked for deletion (old)
>> No. 1521
This is a brilliant idea! I much approve. I love puzzles. >:3c

I've got a couple of guesses as to who are the two RED Spies, but I'd like to think them over more carefully before I answer...
>> No. 1522
GAH. I always fail hard at these...
>> No. 1527
>"Yeah," he replied. "Both of them." bricks were shat
this is awesome!
>> No. 1528
Oh god, I'm terrible at these things. I'm thinking the Soldurr's one of them, but can't figure out the other one.

Unless it's Pyro? "Mmrph" doesn't seem very, well, reliable.
>> No. 1529
Is it Spy and Sniper?
>> No. 1530

Aight. After much overthinking, my guesses are Engy and Medic.

Medic's story excludes several key sightings and includes sightings that never happened.

Engy has a bottle of French brandy in his pocket.
>> No. 1531
this is like a mindbending version of Clue, except no one is dead... yet
i keep rereading this and my brain hurts
my guesses: Pyro and Medic
>> No. 1532
:O I didn't catch the french brandy
awesome :D
>> No. 1534
engie has a french brandy in his pocket but he said "We had us a chat, traded a bottle fer a bottle."
does this mean the brandy was originally Demo's?
>> No. 1536
I'm going to guess Soldier and Engie. >:T
>> No. 1540

Not necessarily. Demo claimed that he 'shared' his Famous Grouse with Engy in return for 'moonshine.' No mention of French brandy anywhere - or even of trading bottles, considering that the first thing he does is bitch about being interrupted in drinking his Grouse.
>> No. 1550
I'm gonna guess Demo and Engie. *shrug* I unno. Just a guess.
>> No. 1561
My only guess is Medic. The other one is a complete mystery to me and I spent about a good hour making all sorts of diagrams. I'm terrible at these things. |D
>> No. 1566
Clearly it is Sniper, he says "both of them" as a red herring.
>> No. 1567
i dunno, i'm looking forward to the reveal though
>> No. 1568
Pyro and Medic.
>> No. 1588

See, the thing that makes me not think the Spy could be Pyro is the fact that Pyro uses the flamethrower right after he walks in. Spies, while disguised, can't use the equipment belonging to the disguised class.
>> No. 1589
argh, there goes my theory, haha
i'm still going with medic
>> No. 1606
Both Spies have been identified in this thread, but not together.

I'll give you one more day.
>> No. 1607
Demo's timeline doesn't really match up with Heavy's account. Demo tells Heavy bout the meeting and makes sure he's /seen/ alot before arriving.

Also, wouldn't Medic have mentioned meeting Demo just at the entrance... and how did he come in last, after Heavy, when heavy saw im enter the base before he left?

My votes are Demo and Medic.

...or maybe I'm just a retard...
>> No. 1608
One spy is the Announcer herself, if only because she said she wasn't.

The other isn't actually disguised, but is standing in the corner, being a failspy with the Cloak and Daggar.
>> No. 1610
I want to say Spy and Sniper, as they are so chatty in the begining, talking about having job to be done and such. Also, Sniper noties right away when the Spy enters the room, something that another Spy would know.
>> No. 1612
Medic makes me very suspicious for many reasons...
I'm torn about who the second one is, but I guess Demo.
>> No. 1613
>> No. 1614
that means the candidates are...everyone but Heavy and Scout .__.

i don't think it's Engie, Sniper, or Spy - Pyro's flamethrower would have ignited them, as close as they were. and if Demo really stickyjumped, then it couldn't be him. so imma go with Soldier and Medic.
>> No. 1615
>> No. 1616
Soldier and Medic
soldier could have rocket jumped to follow demo but didn't
>> No. 1617
>> No. 1620
This is an excellent idea! Though it proves that I'm crap with logic puzzles...

I think tis safe to rule out Sniper, Spy and Pyro for reasons stated earlier (Pyro used his flamethrower, Sniper and Spy didn't become human torches). Ruling out Demo for similar reasons - I don't doubt he sticky-jumped right now.

Sooo... That leaves Solly, Medic and Engie as targets based on >>20. Now stated that the spies had been identified, but not together. Prior to that post, the suspect pairs were Solly-Pyro, Sniper-Spy, Engie-Medic, Pyro-Medic, Solly-Engie and Demo-Engie. Discounting pairings with the classes ruled out, that leaves Engie-Medic and Solly-Engie.

With that in mind, and considering everything else, I'm calling Medic-Solly. That or there are no spies at all; Announcer was bored and decided to mind-fuck them all into paranoid oblivion for her own amusement.
>> No. 1621
The Pyro,
"Mmmph!", said the newly-arrived Pyro, apparently proud of their lighting a cigarette"
"and the Pyro rose out of their chair,"
"I think...that is the best we can get out of them." said the Spy. "
All of these indicates that the pyro is 2 people.
I'm gonna say just Pyro.
It makes sense since Pyro has been mentioned but never as a couple.
>> No. 1622
i think 'them'/'their' references the fact they don't know if the pyro is a man or woman, hence no 'him' or 'her'
>> No. 1623
Probably, but where is the fun in that?
>> No. 1624
fun in logic
>> No. 1625
>> No. 1641

Very well reasoned, Anon. With that in mind, I'll call Engy and Solly. The French brandy was just too much of a YESS moment for me to abandon it as damning proof.
>> No. 1645
Thinking back, Spies aren't able to enter Respawn, correct? It couldn't have Been Engineer or Demoman then (lolfail on my part) since they both were in there.

Medic had taken a different route than everyone else, which seems kind of odd for a Medic, considering they are usually with someone most of the time. Also, Heavy said he saw Medic enter the base before him and he waited a few minutes after seeing him enter before heading to the meeting, yet Medic came in after Heavy. Then again, Medic had his Bonesaw, which a Spy shouldn't have correct?

Soldier's account seems odd, at best, (Does anyone know what a Tommy is anyway?) and considering he didn't rocket jump up to the Battlements and Heavy never mentioned seeing him.

...A question. Why has Heavy been accused yet?

My second tentative vote is Medic-Solly, but Heavy bothers me too.
>> No. 1646
"why ***Hasn't Heavy been accused yet."

Sorry for the typo.
>> No. 1647
Medic had his Bonesaw, which a Spy shouldn't have correct?The game mechanic has been changed; Spies are no longer restricted to always and only carrying the primary weapon of the class they are disguised as. This supposition can be discounted.

Does anyone know what a Tommy is anyway?Slang for a British soldier, which came into use in the 19th century (popularized by Rudyard Kipling's poem in Barrack-Room Ballads in 1892) but is mostly, and extremely strongly, associated with WWI; was falling out of use by WWII (during which the Germans still called the British soldiers Tommy, but almost no-one else did). May or may not be a clue, as we do not know how familiar with the history of the term the OP may be.
>> No. 1650
I say Sniper, if only because he was the only to have not mentioned seeing Heavy on the battlements, despite being there himself.

As for the other spy, I'm guessing Engy. His and Demo's accounts of the meet up in respawn don't quite match up, and he mentioned having "RED trouble" when no one else had mentioned anything of the sort. Also, the bottle of Fine.
>> No. 1652

Referring back to >>20 Now said that the spies had been identified but not together at that point; by Now's post, nobody had declared Heavy or Scout as the spies, so they can pretty much be safely ruled out.
>> No. 1653
Ah. Thank you all for answering my questions.
>> No. 1654
I'm dying for the reveal!
>> No. 1655

I considered ruling out Demo and Engy based on the respawn thing. However, to do that neglects the fact that they could still be the Spies - if one of the Spies had killed them after they entered the respawn room, having followed them up to that point.

Maybe I thought too deeply into it, I dunno.
>> No. 1656
Sorry for the delay. I've been...distracted today.


Suddenly, the Spy and Sniper jumped into action. In one swift movement, they'd drawn their revolver and bow and fired.

There were yells and starts across the table in shock, but they gradually died down when they realised that the shots had hit their targets.

The Medic slumped down from the chair, an arrow hitting between his eyes and snapping his glasses in two. With a brief shimmer, he turned into a RED Spy, blood streaming from the new wound.

The Soldier, a fresh bullet wound in his temple, fell face first onto the table. His blue fatigues became a red pinstripe suit as he laid there.

The Sniper and the Spy were now on their feet, walking over to their respective victims.

"Do you want to go first?" saíd the Spy casually, lighting a fresh cigarette.

"If ya don't mind." saíd the Sniper, drawing his kukri from his jacket and poking the RED Spy on the floor in front of him.

"Gave 'imself away, the dumb git." he muttered. "First off, everything he said he could've learnt from what you lot'd told us already. He couldn'tve been more vague about what 'appened at the RED base, meaning he weren't confident about it. Didn't once mention healing, neither. Scout didn't talk about passin' him either, meaning he killed the real Medic in the entrance corridor and took his place while Speedy Gonzalez just charged past. Had you looked right..." he saíd, waving the kukri vaguely in the Scout's direction, "You'd have seen the bastard."


He kneeled down and hauled up the body onto the table, face up, before yanking the arrow out of its forehead and admiring the bloody tip.

"It couldn't have been the Demoman, because he used them sticky bombs. Couldn'tve been truckie there, since he was working on his sentry with his wrench. Heavy munched on that Sandvich, so it weren't him. Scout passed everyone on the way here at 'is regular speed, so it weren't him. Pyro lit Spy's fag before yeh got here, but none of us went up in flames, so it weren't none of the four of us. And what's more, the "Medic" got a headstart on Pyro, ran continuously and STILL got 'ere slower? They're more or less as fast as each other."

The Announcer nodded with approval. "Excellent work. But...what about the Soldier?"

"It was less what he did, and more what he said, madame...", rolled the Spy, flicking his butterfly knife across his palm. "The Soldier has been dead for some time. Every other class had been accounted for. This Spy said he had to be..."reminded" about the meeting by the Demoman, and was in a hurry, and yet refused to rocket jump to the battlements as the Flying Scotsman did. He must have run past the corpse of the deceased Medic, AND the living "Medic", which neither of them mentioned...covering for each other, the sly dogs. And competing to get in here first...typical, Scout. If you'd actually hit him, you'd have worked it out yourself."

The Scout crossed his arms indignantly. "Why's everyone makin' it out to be my fault?"

"It doesn't matter," saíd the Spy "He gave himself away with his behaviour. But most of all..."

He spat the cigarette out, and it landed on the corpse of his latest victim.

"...he never once said sorry. Never."


Hope you enjoyed.
>> No. 1657
Also...I'd been expecting people to pick holes in it. I didn't expect this, though...

That "Fine" was meant to be "Fine ale", and a more or less irrelevant detail.
>> No. 1672
Anon from >>30 here - got it right! Though to be honest, everyone speculating before me made it easier, so it isn't a great victory...

This was a great idea, done well. Excellent idea, Now, and well written too!
>> No. 1701

Also, sorry 'bout that Fine detail. :D I think personally I read too much Encyclopedia Brown as a kid. That probably hurt my logic considerably, haha!

The "He never apologized" line confused me a bit, however - did Spy mean that the Spy disguised as Soldier never apologized for calling Demoman English? Or... I dunno, I just found that perplexing. I wouldn't think Soldier was the sort of person to beg forgiveness very often.

Other than that, this was great fun, and I much enjoyed puzzling all of this out. I'd love to see similar stories - even if not, thanks for writing!
>> No. 1712

>>26 here, high five. and i know what you mean about getting help from the other comments - i'd have given up otherwise.

thanks for posting this up. very nicely done. c:
>> No. 1713
I think he meant soldier never apologized for blowing his head apart during the "Meet the Spy" video.
>> No. 1722
The sorry could be:

Solider never said Sorry.

The spies never said sorry for killing their teammates.

The spies never said sorry for...being bad spies?

I'm justified that last one ,because Spy's really cocky.

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