>>12251
But the kids aren't adopted, they're the other mercenaries' children.

That's official canon, if I remember right.

  >>12252
wat. seriously - I've never heard of that before. Source, please?

Also, if anyone cares, she'd be with BLU Spy, not RED Spy in my mind. Here's the theme song, in case you need a memory jogger.

My sister told me that Sascha is sometimes a nickname for Natascha. I'm not entirely sure if it's true or not, but if it is, maybe both of Heavy's main guns are named after the same girl. Natascha just goes by her "full name" because she's bigger.

>>12261
See, this bit always confused me (and I know I'm not the only one), because Sasha (or however it's spelled) is a masculine name in Russia. I'll also be honest and admit I don't really remember an instance where Heavy actually referred to "his Gun" with pronouns (feel free to point me to a source where he does, I just can't think of one off the top of my head).

>12261

russian anon here

no, both names are completely different

and the name Sasha can be used by both genders

I found this description on valve store, so they might've used it as male idk

and it's kinda strange to me that they spell "ш" not as "sh" but as "sch" wich is german spelling

(sorry for any mistakes)

>>12264
Ah, I guess I'm a bit ignorant there, my apologies (in regards for Sasha being a unisex name).

>>12265
Either way, thanks for sharing; I think that clears things up for me, as far as Valve's intention for a gun's assumed gender, haha.

Finally, I know I'm late on the ball, but I'd like to note that the Carmen Sandiego headcannon just tickles me pink; also, >>12252, I would really love to see where that's stated (that Scootma's had shildren with other Mercs).

>>12251
Yeah, that's some pretty weird headcanon. I respect it.

>>12261 I am of the understanding that "Natasha" is a diminutive form of "Natalia," while "Sasha" is a diminutive of "Aleksander" and its [male and female] variants.
So, they have about the same relationship with each other as the English names Dick and Mick, or Meg and Mag.

I tend to redefine Sasha's gender based on the situation. Usually if there's just Sasha, she'll be a she, but if the entire family of guns is present, Sasha becomes the baby brother, who falls into wells and shit. Natascha's the grouchy teenager, and Tomislav is always next door courting Demoman's sticky launcher.
While I do suspect that the guns [and perhaps Medic] are stand-ins for the human family that Heavy lost or watched suffer in the gulags, I don't think each gun is directly analogous to an actual sibling. As with most coping mechanisms, Heavy wouldn't be consciously aware of what he's doing, and would take subconscious measures to avoid ever having to admit that he needs imaginary friends to cope with his tiny baby feelings of helplessness, loss and guilt. The guns are similar to his family, but not so similar that he couldn't tell himself it's all coincidence.

>>12267
I think it all comes from official bio, where it's stated that he has

>7
>older
>brothers

http://tf2.com/classes.php?class=scout

>>12269
How does "he has seven older brothers" equate to "they were all sired by his coworkers?"

>>12270

no idea
I was just trying to figure out why

>>12268
Ah, ok. I think my sister had gotten the information from a novel about Germany, though, not Russia, so I dunno.

>>12270
It's not canon, as far as I can tell- there's just one picture of Heavy kissing Scoutmama and that somehow turned into "she's slept with the entire team".

Engineer had a part in the designing and creating of the invisi-watch.

Sniper dreams that one day, he could live with the wolves. It's part of his retirement plan.

>>12295
I'm okay with this

I have a lot of headcanon for TF2, but I think my favorite one is that Soldier isn't in reality super crazy, and that it's all for show. He does chat it up with Shovel sometimes, but Shovel was the one who told him to get the Disciplinary Action.

>>12311

the idea of soldier putting on this elaborate crazy idiot ruse is actually really scary

>>12331 I always figured that Soldier must be sapient enough to function semi-normally if he wanted, but he decided that it's far more entertaining to be batshit insane.
He uses it to troll his teammates.

>>12326

What if engie knew, and they were actually coconspirators, and it turned out helmet party was canon and they were a mastermind super villian couple using red and blu as their pawns.

Heres another headcanon of mine: The blu spy may or may not be most likely stalking the red sniper, and may or may not be completely obsessed with him.

>>12319
Spy had better be completely committed to Scootma, or I'm going to kick his arse on behalf of mothers everywhere.

I also think that Heavy's mum is tiny, but I think Heavy was born the size of a two-year-old. If you ask HeavyMama how she survived: "Difficult labour?! Pffaah! I thought it was a queef!!!"

Further Mother-Related Headcanon:

Demomum is a devout Catholic. She lost each of her eyes in two separate attempts to blow up the Devil himself.

Once upon a time, when Demomum was a young thing, a young man came a'courtin' who was not of her calibur. Her father said yes, Lad, you may have her, but she said no, Father, I deserve much better, and after much dispute they agreed to a wager; if Demomum's suitor could best her in a match of explosions, then she would make herself a proud and faithful wife to him.
Knowing he could never win by demolition skills alone, the suitor devised a crafty plan--a plan so crafty that I can't even describe it to you. But he won by it. Oh, Demomum knew that she had been tricked. But she was so impressed by the craftiness of his crafty plan that she fell in love with him right then and there, and they all lived happily ever after.

Sniper's mum is Muriel, and she lives in the middle of nowhere with her dog, Courage.

Soldier views his mother as his supreme commanding officer and will serve her every whim and desire FOR THE GOOD OF AMERICA if it means he has to rip off his own arm for her to use as a backscratcher because THAT SERVICE IS HIS DUTY AS A SON OF THIS NATION.

I don't know what to make of this.

I noticed that one of the senators from Saxton Hale's interrogation transcript was named Mitchell Gray, from California. I've got a villain in an ongoing story named Marian Grey who was met in San Francisco. (In some chapters, I did spell her name Gray).

...makes me wonder...

>>12332
I think it's just an interesting coincidence. Valve doesn't often make use of fandom in canon, insofar as I can tell.

>>12352
Ah, well. Sometimes, it's fun just to entertain crazy, ego-centric thoughts.

I've hinted before in other works that I think the Medic escaped Germany sometime in the 1930s. I still have no idea where he would have gone, but I think he would have blended well into Minnesota's populace, for some reason.

The version of Abraham Lincoln in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is the same version of Lincoln from TF2.

Because setting vampires on fire seems relatively in-character for TF2.

>>12355

You're now my favorite person on tf2chan anon.

Okay HEADCANON TIME

Sniper views gathering hats like one would view gathering corn. He makes them himself and shares them with his friends. demoman helps out by sacrificing a goat to insure a good hat harvest.

Saxton Hale is a moron. The only reason his life isn't completely messed up is because of his assistants.

scout is secretly a total nerd pretending to be a jock. if you yell " Neeeeeeeeerd!" at him, he'll flinch and think "THEY KNOW."

The only person who can stop a raging heavy weapons guy is your friendly neighborhood medic

Soldier really enjoys tea parties. Sometimes solly and engie get together and have a tea party with the turrets.

Sniper may or may be in love with a robot.

>>12356
>Soldier really enjoys tea parties. Sometimes solly and engie get together and have a tea party with the turrets.
I think I love you

I like to think that Sniper howls at the moon or something along those lines at night, or eats his meat near raw.

>>12359

Did you just declare you're love for me and add that sniper is so socially awkward that he howls at the moon and eats raw meet like a savage pee throwing bushman?

LETS PICK A DATE HONEY CAUSE I HEAR WEDDING BELLS!

>>12364
Yes, yes I did.


Alright, this is my last headcanon so I don't fill the thread with useless crap.

Pyro can make his words come out of his mask perfectly fine, but he prefers to mumble or make senseless noises to troll his teammates. He also changes his speaking patterns in case someone does figure out what he is saying, so they don't guess where he is from.

BLU Medic isn't the crazy doctor he seems, it's just an act. He is actually a nice guy, but is a bit tired of people calling him a Nazi. RED Medic is batshit insane though.

Scout is afraid of thunder and high winds since he lived in the city, and absolutely adores stray puppies, and secretly only acts the way he does for attention because the team reminds him of his family and he misses his brothers.

Heavy actually studied in Russian Literature and he might be one of the smartest on the team (Obviously outside Medic, Engineer, and Demoman, but his English is terrible. He's sick of everyone making fun of him, so someday he is going to strap them down to chairs and punch them in the face.

Engie plays with Teddy Roosebelt and the Itsy Bitsy Spyder like they were dolls and throws little parties with them. He sometimes steals Heavy's Pockey Medic and Pyro's Cremator's Conscience and then just cuddles with all of them.

Pyro is uncle dolan

Ohhoho, havn't been here in a while. Things are looking delightful!

Headcannons:

Scout's only real friend on the team is Sniper, because he was the only one that didn't judge by first impressions: An arrogant, wreckless brat. Sniper was actually nice to Scout, and revealed a good side. Scout values Sniper's friendship and is almost always happy around him.

Soldier is more insane than he lets off. He's very self conscious about it and is trying to make people think he is not as "off put" as he seems.

RED Pyro is the God of fire, and BLU Pyro is a physical image made of flames by RED Pyro. Or RED's good side fighting against him/her. Take your pick.

Engineer is the only one who know this, (Along with most of the Pyro's secrets) and since he found out they've been the best of friends.

Demo does his jobs best when drunk.

Medic does his jobs best when high off the Kritz.

BLU Spy and RED Sniper have hated each other long before the events of the game. This war only furthered their hatred. Meanwhile, RED Spy respects BLU Sniper very much, but in a rival like manner.

>>12383

"Soldier is more insane than he lets off. He's very self conscious about it and is trying to make people think he is not as "off put" as he seems. "

I really like this idea. I was thinking kind of the same thing but also with his intelligence. My headcanon is that soldier doesn't really understand it, but knows somethings wrong with him and it really hurts his feelings knowing he just isn't as smart.

MOAR canons

Engineer thinks each one of his team mates has something special about them. He's also the best cook.

Pyro is a lady, a very girly lady with a scarred face and short hair. She adores flowers and flower motifs, has no idea the others don't know she's a lady, and she is convinced that fire is "holy". I'm also in agreement with protowilson that she likes to show spy whose boss.

Spy is secretly afraid of pyro. She loves this.

Pyro freakin loves the Beatles. Soldier hates this. They have music arguments a lot.

If the team knew pyro were a lady, solly would have a crush on her FIND HER TO BE INFURIATING THATS WHAT

Demoman, solly, scout, and pyro have a tendency to cause the most trouble off the base. For some reason, their shenanigans always involve hippy art exhibits.

Saxton Hale dreams that one day, he'll be helens beeeoootifool bride. Fem dom, male sub all the way.

The prime minister of australia is a dinosaur. His name is Jarvis.

>>12386
Jarvis the dinosaur.

Adopting new Iron Man headcannon.

>>12388
>>12386

Philosoraptor?

Soldier doesn't know how to manage his money, but it's the backwards sort of mismanagement. He lives in a hovel with a terrible roommate sipping his way through economy crates of Captain Dan rations and never doing anything nice for himself because he thinks that if he buys just one pack of chewing gum, he'll suddenly become a homeless hippie.
Even though he makes five million dollars a year. He's got it all in cash under the mattress [raising his mattress height by about forty centimetres] and if anybody asks him to dip into his savings he'll say he needs the "Emergency funds" for when his car breaks down.
Soldier doesn't have a car.

Soldier secretly idolises one of Engineer's derpy sentry prototypes. He admires her stolid determination to shoot anything that moves and is sort of reddish or maybe magenta or saffron or something. But he's not going to let on about it. Word would get around and then there would be sentries insubordinating everywhere.

Soldier has an incredibly detailed and accurate knowledge of history. It just seems flawed to you and I because the history of the TF2niverse is irreconcilable with fact and reason.

Poopy Joe wanted to be a ballerino. But when he lost his tail in a tragic mango-squishing accident, he became unable to balance effectively, so he settled for being a monkeynaut.

Engineer wants a puppy so bad he can taste it. Sometimes he thinks about just grabbing one of his teammates or a stranger off the street, getting hitched and settling down, just so that he'll be able to buy a family dog.

Medic's next big project is to install a window in the centre of Heavy's chest. He's getting tired of being unable to see around his meat shield.

  Well with Meet the Pyro released, I have a new headcanon: the Pyro is actually Boyd Cooper/The Milk Man from Psychonauts. He just wants to deliver the milk...

>>12393

These. are. brilliant.

>>12393
>Medic's next big project is to install a window in the centre of Heavy's chest. He's getting tired of being unable to see around his meat shield.

>Medic's next big project is to install a window in the centre of Heavy's chest. He's getting tired of being unable to see around his meat shield.

Ah, he can use the Soldier from Meet the Pyro for that... Worst case of heartburn you ever saw!

>>12393

I love you.

(Now for my dumb headcannons that no one cares about.)
(Don't take 'em too seriously.)

The Sniper lacks any sort of personal hygiene. He also genuinely likes children, but is always getting arrested for being a 35-year-old bachelor that lives in a van and offers the little'uns candy. He has no idea that people think he's a pedophile and just thinks that Americans are xenophobic.

The Scout's mom dumped the Spy a while back, and he's never gotten over it, leading to dependency issues with all his future lovers.

Occasionally, the Engineer turns off respawn and shoots all of his teammates just to get some peace and quiet. Meanwhile, the rest of the team floats around in spectator mode, glaring at him.

The Heavy picks up dirty English phrases and terms from the Scout and uses them, often with hilarious disastrous consequences.
"Doktor, glad to see your knockers are looking well."
"What."

The Demoman and the Sniper go monster-hunting together, but never actually find anything and usually just end up getting drunk and fighting and passing out on each other like real men should.

The Sniper's alter ego is Saxton Hale.

The Pyro's not insane, he just needs to clean his goggles.

>>12457
Isn't Sniper the only character we've seen maintaining his personal hygiene? Well, that doesn't necessarily mean much. I imagine his hygiene is decent for someone who lives in a camper van in the wilderness, but that it would never go beyond that, regardless of where he was or what was available. I bet he's uncomfortable in formal settings, too.
I also like your headcanon about him and children, because I always see Sniper as oblivious to things like that. Perhaps because snipers in-game are often so late to notice things. I think he can appreciate the subtle, but not the implicit. It seems he's reasonably intelligent, as well as clever on an instinctual level, but very simple beyond that.

Either
Pyro is not hallucinating, but has a wildly overactive imagination
or they are really hallucinations, but it fades in and out: Pyro occasionally remembers what's really happening, shrugs and dives back into Pyroland.

Demoman, Sniper and Engineer are pretty close friends. The Soldier on the team is jealous, even though he is friendly with all of them.
He is good friends with his team's Engineer, and he likes his team's Sniper, but he's slightly confused on how to feel about his team's Demoman.

Also, I imagine both teams have identical personalities and pasts as well as appearances.

>>The Pyro's not insane, he just needs to clean his goggles.
I understand everything now.

Sniper doesn’t understand why people keep bitching about his personal hygiene. He showers every day, brushes his teeth and washes behind his ears like a good boy. Then he goes outside and rubs dirt all over his hands [keeps the sweat off his palms] and smears more dirt over his nose and ears [protects him from the sun] and he then plops down in the hottest, dustiest nest he can find and sweats for eight hours plus a lunch break. Nothing unpleasant about that.

When he’s all alone with nothing better to do, BLU Medic fantasises about being as dirty, sweaty, hairy, grunty, and generally as cunt-moisteningly butch as Sniper. Then he locks himself in the bathroom and washes his hands for fifteen minutes. That’s not a euphemism.

Archimedes finds Medic’s approach to medical invention to be uninspired and frankly lacking a refined appreciation for the self-combusting potential of the body’s cardiovascular and nervous organisms, but he’s too polite to say anything.

Medic relies on the help of his Medigun to keep his marigolds alive. He’s so proud that he finally managed to grow a plant.

A demoman’s eyes function like lives in a video game. When he gets killed, he just wakes up in the hospital one eyeball down, but when he dies with no eyeballs left, it’s game over.

Medic removed from medical malpractise is like Lady Gaga removed from meat dress: Completely normal and unremarkable in every way. If he goes too long without inverting somebody’s pancreas or lacing their coffee with mysterious porn-inducing drugs, he might even turn into the kind of nice young man your mother wants you to marry. It’s revolting. Fortunately, Heavy understands this, and has taken personal responsibility to keep Medic insane by volunteering his body for science every time Medic gets a hairbrained idea.

Soldier isn’t yelling. That’s his kitten-soothing voice.

Incidentally, Soldier is an avid cat lover. They walk all over him like the drill sergeant he never had, instilling within him a slack-jawed ecstasy similar to whatever Pyro’s been taking.
His overwhelming desire to own a kitten could potentially serve as a major stumbling block in his relationship with the puppy-coveting Engineer.

>>12460
>>Demoman, Sniper and Engineer are pretty close friends. The Soldier on the team is jealous, even though he is friendly with all of them.

Yes. I like this headcanon. First part especially.

My own headcanon: Sniper was originally in medical school, but then dropped out before going hunting in the bush. That's why his dad always asks him why he couldn't have been a doctor.

Heavy does in fact have a PhD, but he's never told his teammates. Initially he wanted to let them think he's just a dumb meathead to somehow troll them, but the joke's on him now because he thinks if he mentions it now, they'll laugh because they're so convinced he's just an idiot. So he'd have to punch them all in their little baby faces, and then cry a little on the inside. And he prefers to think that he's intentionally giving them the impression he's stupid than face up to the fact he really just doesn't come across very clever in English. But Medic just has a big ego about his own intelligence and thinks everyone is dumb, which is why he thinks he can get away with claiming that ribs grow back; he considers Heavy to be no dumber than any of the other dummkopfen he's got to heal and wouldn't be too surprised to find out that Heavy is smarter than he's been letting on. Meanwhile, Heavy hasn't told his dear old mama that he's a mercenary rather than a professor of Russian literature. She's old and doesn't need to know that her little boy gets shot, blown up, lit on fire, and axed in the face for a living. (Also, by the way, she knitted the Tough Guy's Toque and sent it to him in the mail.)

Also, if anyone else pulled that "hold your rib cage open for me" "CRUNCH" business on Heavy, he'd stick his hand down their throat to pull up their pants. Medic gets away with it. Wonder why...

Sniper has a twisted crush on Saxton Hale stemming from his own feelings of insecurity about his scrawniness and mustachelessness. He fantasizes about Saxton Hale fucking some proper Australianness into him.

Scout and Medic go jogging together every morning. It helps them both stay so speedy. Scout yaps away at Medic and when Medic is in a good mood he'll go, "mm-hmm, ja," etc. like he's actually listening. Scout used to insist on racing him, but Medic was always mildly irritated by Scout inevitably winning and being smug about it, so Scout stopped so he wouldn't drive him away and now jogs alongside him so he can yap at him.

Engie thinks Pyro is adorable. Even the enemy Pyro. That's why his domination lines for Pyros are so inoffensive and apologetic. They make s'mores over the burning bodies of Spies while they camp behind sentry nests, which is one reason why they're both a little chubby.

Medic has no prior experience with fighting. Neither does Engineer. It was a bit scary for them at first. At least Engie mostly avoids the front lines, but Medic doesn't, and he's really ferocious and scrappy to compensate for the fact he's a noob.

When cherub!Heavy suddenly trips and falls in Meet the Pyro, that's because the actual Heavy did the same thing, over a rock or a pothole or something. He's a little clumsy. Maybe it has to do with his fucked-up bodily proportions. Whenever Scout sees him fall over for no good reason, he yells "TIMBER!"

Medic always carries a spare pair of glasses. That's why Pyro steps on his glasses but when we see him he's wearing them. He's wearing his spare pair and the ones Pyro stepped on had been knocked off him somehow. He worries a lot about losing his spare pair, even though running around the battlefield half-blind and inevitably getting killed wouldn't be the end of the world, because it'd be embarrassing to get killed for a reason that doesn't apply to any of his teammates.

Demo sometimes drinks to the point of respawning. Also, one of the teams is cloned from the other, and he was the first to realize it, because they got more %$@?&%$@?&%$@?& than they've got the likes o' him, so what's another black Scottish cyclops, the same age, with the same appearance, in the same line of work, doing here? But nobody listens because he's kind of a paranoid conspiracy theorist. But most of his ideas are right. Such as that the war is kind of pointless and is never going to end.

Pyro is female, and around Scout's age. "Do you believe in magic, in a young girl's heart..."

Miss Pauling's previous job was in espionage.

Getting Pyrovision goggles and realizing why Pyros do their thing was a disturbing experience for the other classes. It's fun while you wear the goggles, but afterwards it keeps them up at night.

Engie is the only one who knows how to talk to Pyro. "Pyro! Spy's sappin'... er, Spy is playing too rough with my... bubble blower. Can you fire... tickle him while I fix this?"

Engie considers Pyro a friend, so he has a hard time reconciling the fact that he's aiding in Pyro's delusion.

Pyro is too naive and childlike to have any desire for sex. Soldier has passing desires for both men and women, but his paranoia keeps him from pursuing any of them.

Even when hugging Pyro, his/her gender still isn't any more clear. Medic knows but isn't telling, especially to a twat like the Director.

Soldier and Medic can discuss battle plans together, but don't really get along in any other context. There's no bad blood, their personalities just contrast too much. Heavy's friends with both of them, though. He discusses literature with Medic and guns with Soldier.

Engineer and Sniper are both wary of their team's Spy, but they don't hate them. Spy knows this, and decides to keep up the charade of untrustworthiness so they don't pry into his personal life.

Demo's a huge Jimi Hendrix fan. Music helps him relax when the booze fails to do its job.

Scout is more of a fraidy-cat and a nice kid than his jerkass facade lets on. He thinks he has to be cool or the guys won't like him. He still thinks killing people is cool and fun, though, and doesn't consider the consequences of it.

Engie can also play piano.

Pauling has had brief crushes on some of the team members but ultimately nixed the idea. She came to the conclusion they're all idiots.

Helen was never emotionally attached to Saxton Hale. She had sex with him purely to be able to manipulate him.

Redmond and Blutarch would make a great team if they would only realize they have the same ideas on everything. It won't happen, though. Too much competition.

  Guard Dog was an experimental class, but was found to be rather gun shy, too friendly and had a tendency to get distracted. He was also not very practical for some tasks such as delivering a Payload. A few of the mercs had qualms about bringing harm to the dog as well.

He was scheduled to be returned from whence he came but the teams managed to hide him and ended up keeping him as a pet. He has bad separation anxiety and will bark frantically and run around the base when anyone leaves, pulling on loose clothing and sitting heart broken by doors to convince them not to go.

He's positively giddy when his owners return however, doing laps around the base with a toy or body part in his mouth and bouncing with every opportunity. He likes to jump on Spy as well, much to his dismay.

Guard Dog loves to play fetch, go for walks/runs and cuddle up on a couch or bed with someone.

At least one of RED's bases was home to a few barn cats.

Sniper finds Saxton Hale a bit of an idiot, and a smidge too muscley for his tastes, which is why he’ll never be a proper Australian.

Engineer served a tour in the Korean War. Soldier keeps crawling onto Engineer’s lap asking for war stories, only to interrupt by strangling Engineer in a fit of envy. Engineer hasn’t yet gotten a chance to mention that he never actually served in combat; he usually gets asphyxiated around the part where he got to wear a uniform.

Soldier’s attempts at scathing post-defeat lectures inevitably take a turn for the heart-warming when he gets stuck on the subject on how great his teammates are.

Spy plays an accordion, and Medic plays a violin. When they try to play together, the music ends up being Swiss. Scout yodels with them, but not voluntarily.

In the TF2 universe, Vegemite is a staple food consumed in impoverished countries all across the globe. It also doubles as a form of self-defence against crazed mercenaries.

>>12491
I love every single one of these.

With the release of Meet the Pyro, I have concluded th at Pyro is Schizophrenic.

But as I think this, I'd like the Pyro to be able to be able to be sane when off the battlefield, assuming antipsychotics hadn't been around back when, so I'm also thinking maybe he's just on LSD or something? Just to take the terrifying edge off of war.

>>12507
Also that Pyro is British, because why not?

I like the idea that Pyro is just Pyro- no LSD, no schizophrenia, no ulterior motives. But I can't offer any justification other than "sadistic, mentally unstable Pyro really depresses me". At least one member of the team should be somewhat innocent.

>>12507
>I have concluded th at Pyro is Schizophrenic.
Go on tell me more of how schizophrenics are mentally ill

>>12527

Of course schizophrenia is a mental illness what the fuck are you even talking about?

>>12501

You know, I've never tried vegemite, but I've always wanted to.

Headcanon time woop woop

Sniper is super awkward, and he smells like a campfire all the time. He's also super into arts and crafts.

Heavy weapons guy is a feminist.

Spy is a super neat freak

Soldier thinks wax figures are alive and are out to get him. He's currently fighting a war with them in his (spy's) backyard.

Somewhere theres a had made of pure gold, that they say is the ultimate hat, the hat to end all hats. Those who have seen it and lived say they've seen the very face of god himself.

Medic loves showtunes

Man these are lame, I had some really good ones, and I can't remember them.

>>12530
Vegemite is disgusting. Also I can totally picture Soldier being paranoid of wax figurines!

>>12482

I LOVE the idea of sniper having a crush on saxton hale. Love love love it. Actually, I love the idea of sniper having a crush on anybody. It's adorable. I don't know why, but I find sniper to be incredibly adorable.

Sorry to clog up the thread, I just love sharing how I interpret characters and seeing how others do as well.

Alrighty here I go:

Part of scouts constant energy, is due in part to having a combination of ADHD and anxiety disorder. The combination of hyperactivity with nervous holyfuckgonnasuckmythumbAHHHH anergy makes him reeeeeeaaaaal impatient. Exercise around helps him relax. If he didn't get to run around, he'd be extremely nervous. --- Fun fact, this is how I am. If you have this combination exercise really helps.

I am of the opinion that sniper is the worlds best bottom bitch.

>>12538

I like this anon.

My head-canon is that RED sniper and BLU spy are in a relationship. I tried to ignore this idea, I really did - but it's like, impossible. Damn you perfect otp

My personal headcanon is that when RED and BLU hired the nine mercanaries, Redmond got a hold o them first (hence the meet the videos and most of the comics featuring RED). When Blutarch found out, he stole the nine and conned them into thinking that they were BLU. Then Redmond stole them back, and it back and forth like that until the Engineer got fed up and made clones for BLU. It was around this time when the Soldier/Demo war began, on account of Tavish mistaking the BLU clone for Jane and vice versa. Since those clones didn't last very long, the final arrangment was to have the clones made brfore each battle. Of course, the Mann brothers don't know a word of it.

Pyro's parents were abducted by aliens before he was born, and he ended up with his mask fused to his face and "Pyrovision".

Spy is Scout's godfather.

Medic really isn't that old. The fumes from the medigun has mde his hair go grey. And that medical license he claimed to have lost? It was forged(but the story about the skeleton was true).

The Kritzkrieg's fumes are chemically addictive, which explains the rather... suggestive... taunt.

RED Spy has a severe case of douchebaggerius
BLU Spy is more serious, and while he's got a cynical sense of humor, manages to be relatively considerate/less sadistic than his carmine counterpart

RED Soldier is completely bonkers
BLU Soldier is more serious but still campily masculine

Both Scouts have an overinflated ego but BLU Scout is more chauvinistic

hate to post twice in a row and include crossover

but Shadwell from T. Pratchett and N. Gaiman's Good Omens is an alt-universe older Solly

The Pyro is a girl. She is pleasantly plump, not unlike a baby. She is also an occasional derp, not unlike a baby. She comes from England and has the voice of a street urchin, but is actually the child of a very successful gardening tool seller, who doesn't support his daughter's less than empathetic decisions. She gets her creativity from her mother's side. She sees everything in Pyrovision because she was bored of seeing everything burst into flames, and got the Engineer to give her a new way of looking at things. The reason why her teammates know so little about her is that she always goes to a fancy apartment room instead of the base when operations are finished for the day.

Soldier assumes a father-like role to Scout, always trying to give him advice, chastising him for whining, calling him 'son'; Sometimes he finds himself carrying Scout's nearly-dead body back to the base after a battle so Medic can patch him up. Although he would rather die than admit it, Scout secretly appreciates these gestures, even if it's by someone as socially inept as Soldier. So he goes along by calling Soldier 'Old Man.'
His lack of a father figure just had to be fixed guise

Also, Adding on to the 'scout is hyperactive' bandwagon, When he's sitting, he shakes his leg up and down on the tips of his toes. I can't really explain it, but it's a very common nervous habit.

Why is it so important for some people to define Pyro's gender? Can't 'he' be just what he is? The little ambiguous freak we all learned to love and respect?

>>12550

I don't know about other people, but as far as I'm concerned, I care about Pyro's gender because I want there to be one woman in the team. It may be shallow of me to care about something as trivial as a character's gender, but I'm a woman, and I like seeing women kick ass.

I don't buy the argument that "it's 1968! There can't be women in an armed force!"

First of all, there WERE women in the army during WW2. Granted, most of those women worked as typists, clerks, and mail sorters; but plenty of women DID fight on front lines. Soviet women in particular served as pilots, snipers, machine gunners, tank crew members and partisans, and women like Nancy Wake did great work with the French resistance and British army.

Second, the RED and BLU Team are not official armies, but a random bunch of mercenaries, and their Boss is a woman who secretly rules the world and sends her female secretary to assassinate people. Does anybody really think the Administrator would refuse to hire a murderous pyrotechnician just because it's a woman?

>>12551 I'm not impressed by tokenism, or flower power. I think it's much more satisfying if nobody knows and nobody cares. After all, if Pyro's good at Pyroing, why <I>should</i> it matter?


Spy secretly gets off to having various bodily fluids thrown on his suit. He finds it liberating.

Thanks to Toxo, I think Medic had a kitler growing up. His name was Frederick Farber Ferdinand, and he was a smarmy bastard. Medic developed his interest in birds and medicine because Freddy kept giving him dead birds without bothering to completely kill them. Freddy’s influence during Medic’s formative years has made Medic especially prone to relationship abuse, allowing his lovers to walk all over him, sit on him or take naps across him; to play games which do him bodily harm; giving in to any demand for petting whether he wants it or not.

>>12552
It's not about tokenism, it's about inclusion.

The question you ask, "if Pyro's good at Pyroing, why should it matter?" is all about Pyro him/herself. To me, the real question is not about the character, but rather about the context s/he is in.

If there were at least one other woman on the team, I wouldn't care about Pyro's gender one bit. The reason I care is that every single combatant in the game is a man, and I find that alienating.

At this point you could ask "why do you find a total lack of women alienating?" Because I do. That's the way I feel, period.

Also, "flower power"? I have no idea what that is, I've never even heard of the term before. If it refers to some vague idea of the "specialness" of women or something dumb like that, then it has nothing to do with my desire to see women in my entertainment. I just want to see my own gender do something cool.

>>12545

This is pretty adorable.

Personally, I have this crazy idea that the Pyro was a human baby taken and raised by aliens in a sort of experiment. Unfortunately, the alien scientists ran out of funding before the experiment finished and had to throw the Pyro back to earth, telling him/her (I prefer a girl, but a guy is fine too) that she was on a mission to track human activity. She took this mission very seriously, but unfortunately did not know anything about human culture. Thus, she ended up on a team eight other mercenaries that are also social rejects because she couldn't blend in with regular people, being raised by society. She never takes her mask or suit off, since she believes that she is an alien and will die if she does so. Her mask causes her to see earth in her...interesting way because the goggles are designed for alien eyes, not human ones. Her reports on male human activity are very inaccurate, since the goggles completely obscure her vision.

She uses a flamethrower because it reminds her of one of her favorite play toys back home.

What am I doing this doesn't even begin to make any type of sense asjdfkldsjf

>>12554
yes plz

>>12551
You already have the announcer, a woman who controls ALL 18 men, from both teams. So why do you /NEEED/ pyro to be a woman?
Your logic is a bit...primitive; what does Pyro's gender has to do with your feminism ideology?
Besides, if you want to see a woman kicking ass you have miss Pauling - she's so suave, so...innocent looking. And then she's also a murderer. I love her. I love both miss Pauling and the Announcer. I don't see why we need more female characters.

You do realize that neither the Administrator nor Miss Pauling as playable, right? They don't even appear in the game: Miss Pauling doesn't appear at all, and the Administrator is just a disembodied voice. They are part of the extra material like comics and blog posts, not really part of the game itself. Heck, the Administrator didn't even have a character design until years after the game's debut.

what does Pyro's gender has to do with your feminism ideology?

Dude, what part of "as a woman, I like seeing women in my entertainment, and I find a total lack of women alienating" can't you understand?

It ain't exactly rocket science. You yourself called my logic "primitive". So, if it's so primitive, why can't you grasp it? Either it's primitive or it's complicated, it can't be both.

I can see why you might disagree with me. I can see why you might find my reasoning shallow and short-sighted. But I'm baffled that understanding seems to be the problem here. You keep rephrasing the same question again and again... Whether you agree with me or not, how can you not understand my extremely simple, completely straightforward, downright elementary, 2+2=4, "primitive" logic?

Just say that you disagree with me instead of coming up with yet another convoluted way of asking why I care.

Someone recently made a very nice comic about what might be under Pyro's mask. I find myself agreeing. *Picture is not mine*

>>12561
>the Administrator is just a disembodied voice

>>12561
please stop being so butthurt; you're getting incredibly defensive over something really trivial. take the quasi feminism elsewhere if you're gonna drag it on like this.

>>12562
let's all drop the ridiculous argument and accept this as our headcanon instead

pyro is (evil) kittens A+

>>12564
Dude, let her have her opinions. It's not a big deal. She even admitted that it was probably nothing, anyway, just how she feels. She hasn't tried to convert you or say anyone else was wrong, jeez. Lay off.

Anyways, I've always seen Medic as the kind of guy to sleep in a lot. He just seems to be the type of guy who spends an overly-enthusiastic night doing science, and then pays for it in the morning. I just love the thought of him being a cranky old man when he gets up.

Sniper, though... I see as waking up bright and early. Hunters do that, right? That's a thing Hunters make a paint to do?

As much as I love arguing, I'm afraid the thread topic is calling to me.

Sniper is terrified of heights. That combined with his occupation combined with his coffee addiction and steroid-enhanced kidneys and regular-sized bladder is a recipe for pants-related disaster.

Engineer shaves his head and wears eyebrow-concealing goggles, and lives day-to-day dreading the possibility that somebody will discover his red hair. He takes Gingerphobia perhaps a little too much to heart.
The team already knows that Engineer is a redhead. Nobody has commented upon it because they are all tragically unaware of the hilarious reaction they could get if they did.

Spy keeps his face concealed due to a mistake he made whilst drunk in a tattoo parlour.

Pyro has had the same stupid song stuck in his head for the past five years. He found it catchy at first, but now it’s starting to drive him insane.

In Meet The Scout, I thought for while that Scout had taken the cheese and tomatoes off of the Sandvich after he KOed Heavy. This spurred a headcanon in which he's lactose intolerant (and just hates tomatoes in general).

My headcanon was sadly dashed when someone presented me with a high-rendered picture of Scout's Sandvich after the fight, and showed it still had the cheese and tomatoes on. Whoops. But hey, maybe the Blu Scout is lactose intolerant?

Okay, actually I'm lolling at the idea of BLU Scoot getting a bad case of gas after accidentally ingesting something with lactose in it. I guess I am secretly twelve, lol k.

>>12572

"Pyro has had the same stupid song stuck in his head for the past five years. He found it catchy at first, but now it’s starting to drive him insane."

That. is. genius.

Soldier often completely forgets how much money he has. He never had much growing up and as a result wants for very little when it comes to creature comforts that aren't weapons and ribs, and therefore lives in tiny dark apartments with few luxuries while he's sitting on millions and millions of dollars.

At some point in his life, Sniper received a severe head trauma from a wayward bullroarer.

RED Heavy and RED Scout acted scared in Meet the Pyro because they were fucking with The Director so he'd be too afraid to ask Pyro for an interview.

I was writing something and came to the conclusion that Pyro is neither male nor female. "He's an Addams!" Yes, like the Addams family Cousin Itt. And in the TF2-verse, the Addams family is well known and numeous, and rather infamous. This also explains Pyrovision and Pyro's fascination with fire.

http://www.teamfortress.com/post.php?id=5244

The Heavy is a bit sarcastic but hides it by playing dumb. I've kind of got evidence of this.

Usually Soldier has baby job of talking to you through button board. He cannot come to blog today because he tells me he must accept highest honor US government can give: Jury Duty. He could not wait to go deliver his guilty hanging verdict for whatever it is criminal did, but he left seventeen page speech for me to type to you. I am not doing this.

See, either he's genuinely got no idea that Solly is being a weirdo (well, you know, he's from Soviet Russia, maybe he's not very familiar with fair trials?), or he's feigning having no idea to make fun of him. The second sentence sort of reads like he's intentionally building up to an anticlimax because it's funny. And that "whatever it is criminal did" thing sounds kind of disdainful to me...

Much like heroin addicts can give up drugs quite easily whenever they want, Pyro has absolutely no problem going about in public without his suit. He just coincidentally has not done so for nearly a decade.

The RED team thought they’d fuck with Director by pretending that the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was a horrifying psycho killer. Unfortunately, the prank went something amiss because the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was also a horrifying psycho killer.

Sometimes Spy lets Scout into his bedroom just so that he can organise it again afterwards.

Medic’s special healing sandviches taste something like mouldy tires deep-fried in turpentine and thickly spread with Vegemite. This incidentally is a delicacy to people like Heavy and Scout, who growing up often had to stretch their limited grocery budgets by eating the grocery bags. They don’t mind a little toxic medigun discharge on a perfectly good sandvich.

  After really listening to his stories from Poker Night and with how he describes things, I can imagine Heavy as a bit of a writer on his down time. The PhD in Russian Literature helps too.

>>12580
It could be both. I like the sarcastic idea a lot though, because I love the idea of Heavy being intelligent, and because I can totally see Soldier's teammates getting exasperated at Solly's paranoid behavior (see: the WAR! comic and how heavily barricaded his house is).

>>12581
>>The RED team thought they’d fuck with Director by pretending that the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was a horrifying psycho killer. Unfortunately, the prank went something amiss because the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was also a horrifying psycho killer.

I like this.

Engineer and soldier are the only ones not scared of pyro. Evidenced by minttu's comic

Spy isn’t French. I don’t know what he is. Probably Albanian or something. Anyway, he’s faking his nationality. Being Albanian isn’t cool enough for him.

The contract is an eight-hundred page, fine print legalese monstrosity. Nobody has a clue what it says.

Sniper has a fondness for paisley.

Pyro has a great big mancrush on the enemy Spy, and absolutely no idea why Spy doesn’t love him back. He figures he’s just unworthy.

Sometimes, when neither Engineer nor Helmet are looking, Soldier likes to wear Hardhat. It’s sort of like men who try on their wives’ skirts. It brings him a joy that he can't explain.

Commence TL;DR conspiracy theory braindump...

The mercenaries have been fighting since 1968. It's now the present day. Their memories have been altered so they don't know that.

TF Industries has a supercomputer that can predict the future. They tracked down and hired the mercenaries because the computer predicted they'd do things which would drastically harm the weapons-manufacturing business. So, in the spirit of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer", they got hired to fight each other endlessly.

The medigun, teleporters, and dispensers would bring humanity to such an advanced state there might not be any more need for war. Particularly teleporters: no more war over fuel! TF Industries would rather figure out how to profit off these inventions than let them become standard household appliances. And since Engie is a nice guy, he'd probably decide to try to see them used for the good of humanity. And Medic would rather get recognition for his inventions than try to profit off them, plus he's got that whole transhumanist, Nietszchean, "I could create gods" thing where his ego would really get off on changing the world.

Demo's conspiracy-theorist tendencies might lead to him figuring out the truth. And then blowing TF Industries sky-high. Solly would help. They'd have had whacky, endearing misadventures taking down TF Industries if they hadn't been hired as mercenaries.

Spy also might be able to discover the truth. Then he'd sell it to the highest bidder.

If the truth got out, Sniper would be the most likely to successfully assassinate those in power.

Because the KGB killed Heavy's dad, he's got a bit of a grudge against the Soviet government. Since he's almost superhumanly tough, secretly pretty damn smart, and can shoot you with his finger, he could do something about that and end up causing the fall of the Soviet Union. That'd end the Cold War and decrease the demand for weapons.

The computer isn't very certain of what Scout's role would be, but he's actually Spy's son, so they decided to take him out of the picture just to be safe.

And as for Pyro... well, Pyro is Pyro.

Also, there's no real point to the fighting any more aside from weapons testing. Also, the teams are clones.

>>12633

That is FUCKING COOL

Alright, I said I was done, but I lied. Here are some more Headcanon.

Pyro may or may not have invented CandyLand. Either way, he can and will kick your ass at it.

Pyro might also be into glam/punk/rock/metal too much, he has a sparkly outfit. Medic is the only one that knows, and he has a similar outfit. It was also Medic's idea to add fake boobs to Pyro's outfit so no one knew the true gender.

Engineer is secretly from the future, and he constantly has to 'dumb-down' his inventions to make them seem more plausible. In reality, he doesn't need Australium to run his machines.

I still think Sniper is a wild man who howls at the moon with wolves and shit. He's too wild to become a hippy, and one of his greatest dreams is to return to the Australian jungles and live without tech.

Scout's great-great-great-great-great-grandson/daughter is Commander Shepard.

>>12363
Plothole: In order to have a great-great-great-great-great-grandchild, Scout would have to get laid.

>>12638
He could adopt.

Or, ya know. Hookers.

Most of my headcanons end up in my fics - the Director's reference to Sniper being a 'victim of the educational system' is in regards to him being a homeschooled School of the Air student, for example - but one that I haven't managed to find a place for yet is that when Saxton Hale firebombed Woodstock, the bands and audience retaliated with catapults and trebuchets.

Hippies they might have been, but it’s not like The Who would have willingly missed a chance to weaponize Keith Moon.

Mann Co. is the world’s top manufacturer of mercenaries. Their world-famous signature line features nine models, each in two different colours, and revolutionised the industry with their unprecedented selection of custom headgear options. This has given rise to an entire culture of mercenary personalisation. A community of dedicated hobbyists spend countless hours altering their mercenaries, installing custom personalities or even replacing parts of the standard model with tentacles or vaginas.

>>12638
He went to Vegas.

new headcanon

soldier sleeps with his eyes open. And a nightlight. and shovel.

cause you never know when the enemy might strike and need a good shoveling