>>12251
But the kids aren't adopted, they're the other mercenaries' children.

That's official canon, if I remember right.

  >>12252
wat. seriously - I've never heard of that before. Source, please?

Also, if anyone cares, she'd be with BLU Spy, not RED Spy in my mind. Here's the theme song, in case you need a memory jogger.

My sister told me that Sascha is sometimes a nickname for Natascha. I'm not entirely sure if it's true or not, but if it is, maybe both of Heavy's main guns are named after the same girl. Natascha just goes by her "full name" because she's bigger.

>>12261
See, this bit always confused me (and I know I'm not the only one), because Sasha (or however it's spelled) is a masculine name in Russia. I'll also be honest and admit I don't really remember an instance where Heavy actually referred to "his Gun" with pronouns (feel free to point me to a source where he does, I just can't think of one off the top of my head).

>12261

russian anon here

no, both names are completely different

and the name Sasha can be used by both genders

I found this description on valve store, so they might've used it as male idk

and it's kinda strange to me that they spell "ш" not as "sh" but as "sch" wich is german spelling

(sorry for any mistakes)

>>12264
Ah, I guess I'm a bit ignorant there, my apologies (in regards for Sasha being a unisex name).

>>12265
Either way, thanks for sharing; I think that clears things up for me, as far as Valve's intention for a gun's assumed gender, haha.

Finally, I know I'm late on the ball, but I'd like to note that the Carmen Sandiego headcannon just tickles me pink; also, >>12252, I would really love to see where that's stated (that Scootma's had shildren with other Mercs).

>>12251
Yeah, that's some pretty weird headcanon. I respect it.

>>12261 I am of the understanding that "Natasha" is a diminutive form of "Natalia," while "Sasha" is a diminutive of "Aleksander" and its [male and female] variants.
So, they have about the same relationship with each other as the English names Dick and Mick, or Meg and Mag.

I tend to redefine Sasha's gender based on the situation. Usually if there's just Sasha, she'll be a she, but if the entire family of guns is present, Sasha becomes the baby brother, who falls into wells and shit. Natascha's the grouchy teenager, and Tomislav is always next door courting Demoman's sticky launcher.
While I do suspect that the guns [and perhaps Medic] are stand-ins for the human family that Heavy lost or watched suffer in the gulags, I don't think each gun is directly analogous to an actual sibling. As with most coping mechanisms, Heavy wouldn't be consciously aware of what he's doing, and would take subconscious measures to avoid ever having to admit that he needs imaginary friends to cope with his tiny baby feelings of helplessness, loss and guilt. The guns are similar to his family, but not so similar that he couldn't tell himself it's all coincidence.

>>12267
I think it all comes from official bio, where it's stated that he has

>7
>older
>brothers

http://tf2.com/classes.php?class=scout

>>12269
How does "he has seven older brothers" equate to "they were all sired by his coworkers?"

>>12270

no idea
I was just trying to figure out why

>>12268
Ah, ok. I think my sister had gotten the information from a novel about Germany, though, not Russia, so I dunno.

>>12270
It's not canon, as far as I can tell- there's just one picture of Heavy kissing Scoutmama and that somehow turned into "she's slept with the entire team".

Engineer had a part in the designing and creating of the invisi-watch.

Sniper dreams that one day, he could live with the wolves. It's part of his retirement plan.

>>12295
I'm okay with this

I have a lot of headcanon for TF2, but I think my favorite one is that Soldier isn't in reality super crazy, and that it's all for show. He does chat it up with Shovel sometimes, but Shovel was the one who told him to get the Disciplinary Action.

>>12311

the idea of soldier putting on this elaborate crazy idiot ruse is actually really scary

>>12331 I always figured that Soldier must be sapient enough to function semi-normally if he wanted, but he decided that it's far more entertaining to be batshit insane.
He uses it to troll his teammates.

>>12326

What if engie knew, and they were actually coconspirators, and it turned out helmet party was canon and they were a mastermind super villian couple using red and blu as their pawns.

Heres another headcanon of mine: The blu spy may or may not be most likely stalking the red sniper, and may or may not be completely obsessed with him.

>>12319
Spy had better be completely committed to Scootma, or I'm going to kick his arse on behalf of mothers everywhere.

I also think that Heavy's mum is tiny, but I think Heavy was born the size of a two-year-old. If you ask HeavyMama how she survived: "Difficult labour?! Pffaah! I thought it was a queef!!!"

Further Mother-Related Headcanon:

Demomum is a devout Catholic. She lost each of her eyes in two separate attempts to blow up the Devil himself.

Once upon a time, when Demomum was a young thing, a young man came a'courtin' who was not of her calibur. Her father said yes, Lad, you may have her, but she said no, Father, I deserve much better, and after much dispute they agreed to a wager; if Demomum's suitor could best her in a match of explosions, then she would make herself a proud and faithful wife to him.
Knowing he could never win by demolition skills alone, the suitor devised a crafty plan--a plan so crafty that I can't even describe it to you. But he won by it. Oh, Demomum knew that she had been tricked. But she was so impressed by the craftiness of his crafty plan that she fell in love with him right then and there, and they all lived happily ever after.

Sniper's mum is Muriel, and she lives in the middle of nowhere with her dog, Courage.

Soldier views his mother as his supreme commanding officer and will serve her every whim and desire FOR THE GOOD OF AMERICA if it means he has to rip off his own arm for her to use as a backscratcher because THAT SERVICE IS HIS DUTY AS A SON OF THIS NATION.

I don't know what to make of this.

I noticed that one of the senators from Saxton Hale's interrogation transcript was named Mitchell Gray, from California. I've got a villain in an ongoing story named Marian Grey who was met in San Francisco. (In some chapters, I did spell her name Gray).

...makes me wonder...

>>12332
I think it's just an interesting coincidence. Valve doesn't often make use of fandom in canon, insofar as I can tell.

>>12352
Ah, well. Sometimes, it's fun just to entertain crazy, ego-centric thoughts.

I've hinted before in other works that I think the Medic escaped Germany sometime in the 1930s. I still have no idea where he would have gone, but I think he would have blended well into Minnesota's populace, for some reason.

The version of Abraham Lincoln in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is the same version of Lincoln from TF2.

Because setting vampires on fire seems relatively in-character for TF2.

>>12355

You're now my favorite person on tf2chan anon.

Okay HEADCANON TIME

Sniper views gathering hats like one would view gathering corn. He makes them himself and shares them with his friends. demoman helps out by sacrificing a goat to insure a good hat harvest.

Saxton Hale is a moron. The only reason his life isn't completely messed up is because of his assistants.

scout is secretly a total nerd pretending to be a jock. if you yell " Neeeeeeeeerd!" at him, he'll flinch and think "THEY KNOW."

The only person who can stop a raging heavy weapons guy is your friendly neighborhood medic

Soldier really enjoys tea parties. Sometimes solly and engie get together and have a tea party with the turrets.

Sniper may or may be in love with a robot.

>>12356
>Soldier really enjoys tea parties. Sometimes solly and engie get together and have a tea party with the turrets.
I think I love you

I like to think that Sniper howls at the moon or something along those lines at night, or eats his meat near raw.

>>12359

Did you just declare you're love for me and add that sniper is so socially awkward that he howls at the moon and eats raw meet like a savage pee throwing bushman?

LETS PICK A DATE HONEY CAUSE I HEAR WEDDING BELLS!

>>12364
Yes, yes I did.


Alright, this is my last headcanon so I don't fill the thread with useless crap.

Pyro can make his words come out of his mask perfectly fine, but he prefers to mumble or make senseless noises to troll his teammates. He also changes his speaking patterns in case someone does figure out what he is saying, so they don't guess where he is from.

BLU Medic isn't the crazy doctor he seems, it's just an act. He is actually a nice guy, but is a bit tired of people calling him a Nazi. RED Medic is batshit insane though.

Scout is afraid of thunder and high winds since he lived in the city, and absolutely adores stray puppies, and secretly only acts the way he does for attention because the team reminds him of his family and he misses his brothers.

Heavy actually studied in Russian Literature and he might be one of the smartest on the team (Obviously outside Medic, Engineer, and Demoman, but his English is terrible. He's sick of everyone making fun of him, so someday he is going to strap them down to chairs and punch them in the face.

Engie plays with Teddy Roosebelt and the Itsy Bitsy Spyder like they were dolls and throws little parties with them. He sometimes steals Heavy's Pockey Medic and Pyro's Cremator's Conscience and then just cuddles with all of them.

Pyro is uncle dolan

Ohhoho, havn't been here in a while. Things are looking delightful!

Headcannons:

Scout's only real friend on the team is Sniper, because he was the only one that didn't judge by first impressions: An arrogant, wreckless brat. Sniper was actually nice to Scout, and revealed a good side. Scout values Sniper's friendship and is almost always happy around him.

Soldier is more insane than he lets off. He's very self conscious about it and is trying to make people think he is not as "off put" as he seems.

RED Pyro is the God of fire, and BLU Pyro is a physical image made of flames by RED Pyro. Or RED's good side fighting against him/her. Take your pick.

Engineer is the only one who know this, (Along with most of the Pyro's secrets) and since he found out they've been the best of friends.

Demo does his jobs best when drunk.

Medic does his jobs best when high off the Kritz.

BLU Spy and RED Sniper have hated each other long before the events of the game. This war only furthered their hatred. Meanwhile, RED Spy respects BLU Sniper very much, but in a rival like manner.

>>12383

"Soldier is more insane than he lets off. He's very self conscious about it and is trying to make people think he is not as "off put" as he seems. "

I really like this idea. I was thinking kind of the same thing but also with his intelligence. My headcanon is that soldier doesn't really understand it, but knows somethings wrong with him and it really hurts his feelings knowing he just isn't as smart.

MOAR canons

Engineer thinks each one of his team mates has something special about them. He's also the best cook.

Pyro is a lady, a very girly lady with a scarred face and short hair. She adores flowers and flower motifs, has no idea the others don't know she's a lady, and she is convinced that fire is "holy". I'm also in agreement with protowilson that she likes to show spy whose boss.

Spy is secretly afraid of pyro. She loves this.

Pyro freakin loves the Beatles. Soldier hates this. They have music arguments a lot.

If the team knew pyro were a lady, solly would have a crush on her FIND HER TO BE INFURIATING THATS WHAT

Demoman, solly, scout, and pyro have a tendency to cause the most trouble off the base. For some reason, their shenanigans always involve hippy art exhibits.

Saxton Hale dreams that one day, he'll be helens beeeoootifool bride. Fem dom, male sub all the way.

The prime minister of australia is a dinosaur. His name is Jarvis.

>>12386
Jarvis the dinosaur.

Adopting new Iron Man headcannon.

>>12388
>>12386

Philosoraptor?

Soldier doesn't know how to manage his money, but it's the backwards sort of mismanagement. He lives in a hovel with a terrible roommate sipping his way through economy crates of Captain Dan rations and never doing anything nice for himself because he thinks that if he buys just one pack of chewing gum, he'll suddenly become a homeless hippie.
Even though he makes five million dollars a year. He's got it all in cash under the mattress [raising his mattress height by about forty centimetres] and if anybody asks him to dip into his savings he'll say he needs the "Emergency funds" for when his car breaks down.
Soldier doesn't have a car.

Soldier secretly idolises one of Engineer's derpy sentry prototypes. He admires her stolid determination to shoot anything that moves and is sort of reddish or maybe magenta or saffron or something. But he's not going to let on about it. Word would get around and then there would be sentries insubordinating everywhere.

Soldier has an incredibly detailed and accurate knowledge of history. It just seems flawed to you and I because the history of the TF2niverse is irreconcilable with fact and reason.

Poopy Joe wanted to be a ballerino. But when he lost his tail in a tragic mango-squishing accident, he became unable to balance effectively, so he settled for being a monkeynaut.

Engineer wants a puppy so bad he can taste it. Sometimes he thinks about just grabbing one of his teammates or a stranger off the street, getting hitched and settling down, just so that he'll be able to buy a family dog.

Medic's next big project is to install a window in the centre of Heavy's chest. He's getting tired of being unable to see around his meat shield.

  Well with Meet the Pyro released, I have a new headcanon: the Pyro is actually Boyd Cooper/The Milk Man from Psychonauts. He just wants to deliver the milk...

>>12393

These. are. brilliant.

>>12393
>Medic's next big project is to install a window in the centre of Heavy's chest. He's getting tired of being unable to see around his meat shield.

>Medic's next big project is to install a window in the centre of Heavy's chest. He's getting tired of being unable to see around his meat shield.

Ah, he can use the Soldier from Meet the Pyro for that... Worst case of heartburn you ever saw!

>>12393

I love you.

(Now for my dumb headcannons that no one cares about.)
(Don't take 'em too seriously.)

The Sniper lacks any sort of personal hygiene. He also genuinely likes children, but is always getting arrested for being a 35-year-old bachelor that lives in a van and offers the little'uns candy. He has no idea that people think he's a pedophile and just thinks that Americans are xenophobic.

The Scout's mom dumped the Spy a while back, and he's never gotten over it, leading to dependency issues with all his future lovers.

Occasionally, the Engineer turns off respawn and shoots all of his teammates just to get some peace and quiet. Meanwhile, the rest of the team floats around in spectator mode, glaring at him.

The Heavy picks up dirty English phrases and terms from the Scout and uses them, often with hilarious disastrous consequences.
"Doktor, glad to see your knockers are looking well."
"What."

The Demoman and the Sniper go monster-hunting together, but never actually find anything and usually just end up getting drunk and fighting and passing out on each other like real men should.

The Sniper's alter ego is Saxton Hale.

The Pyro's not insane, he just needs to clean his goggles.

>>12457
Isn't Sniper the only character we've seen maintaining his personal hygiene? Well, that doesn't necessarily mean much. I imagine his hygiene is decent for someone who lives in a camper van in the wilderness, but that it would never go beyond that, regardless of where he was or what was available. I bet he's uncomfortable in formal settings, too.
I also like your headcanon about him and children, because I always see Sniper as oblivious to things like that. Perhaps because snipers in-game are often so late to notice things. I think he can appreciate the subtle, but not the implicit. It seems he's reasonably intelligent, as well as clever on an instinctual level, but very simple beyond that.

Either
Pyro is not hallucinating, but has a wildly overactive imagination
or they are really hallucinations, but it fades in and out: Pyro occasionally remembers what's really happening, shrugs and dives back into Pyroland.

Demoman, Sniper and Engineer are pretty close friends. The Soldier on the team is jealous, even though he is friendly with all of them.
He is good friends with his team's Engineer, and he likes his team's Sniper, but he's slightly confused on how to feel about his team's Demoman.

Also, I imagine both teams have identical personalities and pasts as well as appearances.

>>The Pyro's not insane, he just needs to clean his goggles.
I understand everything now.

Sniper doesn’t understand why people keep bitching about his personal hygiene. He showers every day, brushes his teeth and washes behind his ears like a good boy. Then he goes outside and rubs dirt all over his hands [keeps the sweat off his palms] and smears more dirt over his nose and ears [protects him from the sun] and he then plops down in the hottest, dustiest nest he can find and sweats for eight hours plus a lunch break. Nothing unpleasant about that.

When he’s all alone with nothing better to do, BLU Medic fantasises about being as dirty, sweaty, hairy, grunty, and generally as cunt-moisteningly butch as Sniper. Then he locks himself in the bathroom and washes his hands for fifteen minutes. That’s not a euphemism.

Archimedes finds Medic’s approach to medical invention to be uninspired and frankly lacking a refined appreciation for the self-combusting potential of the body’s cardiovascular and nervous organisms, but he’s too polite to say anything.

Medic relies on the help of his Medigun to keep his marigolds alive. He’s so proud that he finally managed to grow a plant.

A demoman’s eyes function like lives in a video game. When he gets killed, he just wakes up in the hospital one eyeball down, but when he dies with no eyeballs left, it’s game over.

Medic removed from medical malpractise is like Lady Gaga removed from meat dress: Completely normal and unremarkable in every way. If he goes too long without inverting somebody’s pancreas or lacing their coffee with mysterious porn-inducing drugs, he might even turn into the kind of nice young man your mother wants you to marry. It’s revolting. Fortunately, Heavy understands this, and has taken personal responsibility to keep Medic insane by volunteering his body for science every time Medic gets a hairbrained idea.

Soldier isn’t yelling. That’s his kitten-soothing voice.

Incidentally, Soldier is an avid cat lover. They walk all over him like the drill sergeant he never had, instilling within him a slack-jawed ecstasy similar to whatever Pyro’s been taking.
His overwhelming desire to own a kitten could potentially serve as a major stumbling block in his relationship with the puppy-coveting Engineer.

>>12460
>>Demoman, Sniper and Engineer are pretty close friends. The Soldier on the team is jealous, even though he is friendly with all of them.

Yes. I like this headcanon. First part especially.

My own headcanon: Sniper was originally in medical school, but then dropped out before going hunting in the bush. That's why his dad always asks him why he couldn't have been a doctor.

Heavy does in fact have a PhD, but he's never told his teammates. Initially he wanted to let them think he's just a dumb meathead to somehow troll them, but the joke's on him now because he thinks if he mentions it now, they'll laugh because they're so convinced he's just an idiot. So he'd have to punch them all in their little baby faces, and then cry a little on the inside. And he prefers to think that he's intentionally giving them the impression he's stupid than face up to the fact he really just doesn't come across very clever in English. But Medic just has a big ego about his own intelligence and thinks everyone is dumb, which is why he thinks he can get away with claiming that ribs grow back; he considers Heavy to be no dumber than any of the other dummkopfen he's got to heal and wouldn't be too surprised to find out that Heavy is smarter than he's been letting on. Meanwhile, Heavy hasn't told his dear old mama that he's a mercenary rather than a professor of Russian literature. She's old and doesn't need to know that her little boy gets shot, blown up, lit on fire, and axed in the face for a living. (Also, by the way, she knitted the Tough Guy's Toque and sent it to him in the mail.)

Also, if anyone else pulled that "hold your rib cage open for me" "CRUNCH" business on Heavy, he'd stick his hand down their throat to pull up their pants. Medic gets away with it. Wonder why...

Sniper has a twisted crush on Saxton Hale stemming from his own feelings of insecurity about his scrawniness and mustachelessness. He fantasizes about Saxton Hale fucking some proper Australianness into him.

Scout and Medic go jogging together every morning. It helps them both stay so speedy. Scout yaps away at Medic and when Medic is in a good mood he'll go, "mm-hmm, ja," etc. like he's actually listening. Scout used to insist on racing him, but Medic was always mildly irritated by Scout inevitably winning and being smug about it, so Scout stopped so he wouldn't drive him away and now jogs alongside him so he can yap at him.

Engie thinks Pyro is adorable. Even the enemy Pyro. That's why his domination lines for Pyros are so inoffensive and apologetic. They make s'mores over the burning bodies of Spies while they camp behind sentry nests, which is one reason why they're both a little chubby.

Medic has no prior experience with fighting. Neither does Engineer. It was a bit scary for them at first. At least Engie mostly avoids the front lines, but Medic doesn't, and he's really ferocious and scrappy to compensate for the fact he's a noob.

When cherub!Heavy suddenly trips and falls in Meet the Pyro, that's because the actual Heavy did the same thing, over a rock or a pothole or something. He's a little clumsy. Maybe it has to do with his fucked-up bodily proportions. Whenever Scout sees him fall over for no good reason, he yells "TIMBER!"

Medic always carries a spare pair of glasses. That's why Pyro steps on his glasses but when we see him he's wearing them. He's wearing his spare pair and the ones Pyro stepped on had been knocked off him somehow. He worries a lot about losing his spare pair, even though running around the battlefield half-blind and inevitably getting killed wouldn't be the end of the world, because it'd be embarrassing to get killed for a reason that doesn't apply to any of his teammates.

Demo sometimes drinks to the point of respawning. Also, one of the teams is cloned from the other, and he was the first to realize it, because they got more %$@?&%$@?&%$@?& than they've got the likes o' him, so what's another black Scottish cyclops, the same age, with the same appearance, in the same line of work, doing here? But nobody listens because he's kind of a paranoid conspiracy theorist. But most of his ideas are right. Such as that the war is kind of pointless and is never going to end.

Pyro is female, and around Scout's age. "Do you believe in magic, in a young girl's heart..."

Miss Pauling's previous job was in espionage.

Getting Pyrovision goggles and realizing why Pyros do their thing was a disturbing experience for the other classes. It's fun while you wear the goggles, but afterwards it keeps them up at night.

Engie is the only one who knows how to talk to Pyro. "Pyro! Spy's sappin'... er, Spy is playing too rough with my... bubble blower. Can you fire... tickle him while I fix this?"

Engie considers Pyro a friend, so he has a hard time reconciling the fact that he's aiding in Pyro's delusion.

Pyro is too naive and childlike to have any desire for sex. Soldier has passing desires for both men and women, but his paranoia keeps him from pursuing any of them.

Even when hugging Pyro, his/her gender still isn't any more clear. Medic knows but isn't telling, especially to a twat like the Director.

Soldier and Medic can discuss battle plans together, but don't really get along in any other context. There's no bad blood, their personalities just contrast too much. Heavy's friends with both of them, though. He discusses literature with Medic and guns with Soldier.

Engineer and Sniper are both wary of their team's Spy, but they don't hate them. Spy knows this, and decides to keep up the charade of untrustworthiness so they don't pry into his personal life.

Demo's a huge Jimi Hendrix fan. Music helps him relax when the booze fails to do its job.

Scout is more of a fraidy-cat and a nice kid than his jerkass facade lets on. He thinks he has to be cool or the guys won't like him. He still thinks killing people is cool and fun, though, and doesn't consider the consequences of it.

Engie can also play piano.

Pauling has had brief crushes on some of the team members but ultimately nixed the idea. She came to the conclusion they're all idiots.

Helen was never emotionally attached to Saxton Hale. She had sex with him purely to be able to manipulate him.

Redmond and Blutarch would make a great team if they would only realize they have the same ideas on everything. It won't happen, though. Too much competition.

  Guard Dog was an experimental class, but was found to be rather gun shy, too friendly and had a tendency to get distracted. He was also not very practical for some tasks such as delivering a Payload. A few of the mercs had qualms about bringing harm to the dog as well.

He was scheduled to be returned from whence he came but the teams managed to hide him and ended up keeping him as a pet. He has bad separation anxiety and will bark frantically and run around the base when anyone leaves, pulling on loose clothing and sitting heart broken by doors to convince them not to go.

He's positively giddy when his owners return however, doing laps around the base with a toy or body part in his mouth and bouncing with every opportunity. He likes to jump on Spy as well, much to his dismay.

Guard Dog loves to play fetch, go for walks/runs and cuddle up on a couch or bed with someone.

At least one of RED's bases was home to a few barn cats.

Sniper finds Saxton Hale a bit of an idiot, and a smidge too muscley for his tastes, which is why he’ll never be a proper Australian.

Engineer served a tour in the Korean War. Soldier keeps crawling onto Engineer’s lap asking for war stories, only to interrupt by strangling Engineer in a fit of envy. Engineer hasn’t yet gotten a chance to mention that he never actually served in combat; he usually gets asphyxiated around the part where he got to wear a uniform.

Soldier’s attempts at scathing post-defeat lectures inevitably take a turn for the heart-warming when he gets stuck on the subject on how great his teammates are.

Spy plays an accordion, and Medic plays a violin. When they try to play together, the music ends up being Swiss. Scout yodels with them, but not voluntarily.

In the TF2 universe, Vegemite is a staple food consumed in impoverished countries all across the globe. It also doubles as a form of self-defence against crazed mercenaries.

>>12491
I love every single one of these.

With the release of Meet the Pyro, I have concluded th at Pyro is Schizophrenic.

But as I think this, I'd like the Pyro to be able to be able to be sane when off the battlefield, assuming antipsychotics hadn't been around back when, so I'm also thinking maybe he's just on LSD or something? Just to take the terrifying edge off of war.

>>12507
Also that Pyro is British, because why not?

I like the idea that Pyro is just Pyro- no LSD, no schizophrenia, no ulterior motives. But I can't offer any justification other than "sadistic, mentally unstable Pyro really depresses me". At least one member of the team should be somewhat innocent.

>>12507
>I have concluded th at Pyro is Schizophrenic.
Go on tell me more of how schizophrenics are mentally ill

>>12527

Of course schizophrenia is a mental illness what the fuck are you even talking about?

>>12501

You know, I've never tried vegemite, but I've always wanted to.

Headcanon time woop woop

Sniper is super awkward, and he smells like a campfire all the time. He's also super into arts and crafts.

Heavy weapons guy is a feminist.

Spy is a super neat freak

Soldier thinks wax figures are alive and are out to get him. He's currently fighting a war with them in his (spy's) backyard.

Somewhere theres a had made of pure gold, that they say is the ultimate hat, the hat to end all hats. Those who have seen it and lived say they've seen the very face of god himself.

Medic loves showtunes

Man these are lame, I had some really good ones, and I can't remember them.

>>12530
Vegemite is disgusting. Also I can totally picture Soldier being paranoid of wax figurines!

>>12482

I LOVE the idea of sniper having a crush on saxton hale. Love love love it. Actually, I love the idea of sniper having a crush on anybody. It's adorable. I don't know why, but I find sniper to be incredibly adorable.

Sorry to clog up the thread, I just love sharing how I interpret characters and seeing how others do as well.

Alrighty here I go:

Part of scouts constant energy, is due in part to having a combination of ADHD and anxiety disorder. The combination of hyperactivity with nervous holyfuckgonnasuckmythumbAHHHH anergy makes him reeeeeeaaaaal impatient. Exercise around helps him relax. If he didn't get to run around, he'd be extremely nervous. --- Fun fact, this is how I am. If you have this combination exercise really helps.

I am of the opinion that sniper is the worlds best bottom bitch.

>>12538

I like this anon.

My head-canon is that RED sniper and BLU spy are in a relationship. I tried to ignore this idea, I really did - but it's like, impossible. Damn you perfect otp

My personal headcanon is that when RED and BLU hired the nine mercanaries, Redmond got a hold o them first (hence the meet the videos and most of the comics featuring RED). When Blutarch found out, he stole the nine and conned them into thinking that they were BLU. Then Redmond stole them back, and it back and forth like that until the Engineer got fed up and made clones for BLU. It was around this time when the Soldier/Demo war began, on account of Tavish mistaking the BLU clone for Jane and vice versa. Since those clones didn't last very long, the final arrangment was to have the clones made brfore each battle. Of course, the Mann brothers don't know a word of it.

Pyro's parents were abducted by aliens before he was born, and he ended up with his mask fused to his face and "Pyrovision".

Spy is Scout's godfather.

Medic really isn't that old. The fumes from the medigun has mde his hair go grey. And that medical license he claimed to have lost? It was forged(but the story about the skeleton was true).

The Kritzkrieg's fumes are chemically addictive, which explains the rather... suggestive... taunt.

RED Spy has a severe case of douchebaggerius
BLU Spy is more serious, and while he's got a cynical sense of humor, manages to be relatively considerate/less sadistic than his carmine counterpart

RED Soldier is completely bonkers
BLU Soldier is more serious but still campily masculine

Both Scouts have an overinflated ego but BLU Scout is more chauvinistic

hate to post twice in a row and include crossover

but Shadwell from T. Pratchett and N. Gaiman's Good Omens is an alt-universe older Solly

The Pyro is a girl. She is pleasantly plump, not unlike a baby. She is also an occasional derp, not unlike a baby. She comes from England and has the voice of a street urchin, but is actually the child of a very successful gardening tool seller, who doesn't support his daughter's less than empathetic decisions. She gets her creativity from her mother's side. She sees everything in Pyrovision because she was bored of seeing everything burst into flames, and got the Engineer to give her a new way of looking at things. The reason why her teammates know so little about her is that she always goes to a fancy apartment room instead of the base when operations are finished for the day.

Soldier assumes a father-like role to Scout, always trying to give him advice, chastising him for whining, calling him 'son'; Sometimes he finds himself carrying Scout's nearly-dead body back to the base after a battle so Medic can patch him up. Although he would rather die than admit it, Scout secretly appreciates these gestures, even if it's by someone as socially inept as Soldier. So he goes along by calling Soldier 'Old Man.'
His lack of a father figure just had to be fixed guise

Also, Adding on to the 'scout is hyperactive' bandwagon, When he's sitting, he shakes his leg up and down on the tips of his toes. I can't really explain it, but it's a very common nervous habit.

Why is it so important for some people to define Pyro's gender? Can't 'he' be just what he is? The little ambiguous freak we all learned to love and respect?

>>12550

I don't know about other people, but as far as I'm concerned, I care about Pyro's gender because I want there to be one woman in the team. It may be shallow of me to care about something as trivial as a character's gender, but I'm a woman, and I like seeing women kick ass.

I don't buy the argument that "it's 1968! There can't be women in an armed force!"

First of all, there WERE women in the army during WW2. Granted, most of those women worked as typists, clerks, and mail sorters; but plenty of women DID fight on front lines. Soviet women in particular served as pilots, snipers, machine gunners, tank crew members and partisans, and women like Nancy Wake did great work with the French resistance and British army.

Second, the RED and BLU Team are not official armies, but a random bunch of mercenaries, and their Boss is a woman who secretly rules the world and sends her female secretary to assassinate people. Does anybody really think the Administrator would refuse to hire a murderous pyrotechnician just because it's a woman?

>>12551 I'm not impressed by tokenism, or flower power. I think it's much more satisfying if nobody knows and nobody cares. After all, if Pyro's good at Pyroing, why <I>should</i> it matter?


Spy secretly gets off to having various bodily fluids thrown on his suit. He finds it liberating.

Thanks to Toxo, I think Medic had a kitler growing up. His name was Frederick Farber Ferdinand, and he was a smarmy bastard. Medic developed his interest in birds and medicine because Freddy kept giving him dead birds without bothering to completely kill them. Freddy’s influence during Medic’s formative years has made Medic especially prone to relationship abuse, allowing his lovers to walk all over him, sit on him or take naps across him; to play games which do him bodily harm; giving in to any demand for petting whether he wants it or not.

>>12552
It's not about tokenism, it's about inclusion.

The question you ask, "if Pyro's good at Pyroing, why should it matter?" is all about Pyro him/herself. To me, the real question is not about the character, but rather about the context s/he is in.

If there were at least one other woman on the team, I wouldn't care about Pyro's gender one bit. The reason I care is that every single combatant in the game is a man, and I find that alienating.

At this point you could ask "why do you find a total lack of women alienating?" Because I do. That's the way I feel, period.

Also, "flower power"? I have no idea what that is, I've never even heard of the term before. If it refers to some vague idea of the "specialness" of women or something dumb like that, then it has nothing to do with my desire to see women in my entertainment. I just want to see my own gender do something cool.

>>12545

This is pretty adorable.

Personally, I have this crazy idea that the Pyro was a human baby taken and raised by aliens in a sort of experiment. Unfortunately, the alien scientists ran out of funding before the experiment finished and had to throw the Pyro back to earth, telling him/her (I prefer a girl, but a guy is fine too) that she was on a mission to track human activity. She took this mission very seriously, but unfortunately did not know anything about human culture. Thus, she ended up on a team eight other mercenaries that are also social rejects because she couldn't blend in with regular people, being raised by society. She never takes her mask or suit off, since she believes that she is an alien and will die if she does so. Her mask causes her to see earth in her...interesting way because the goggles are designed for alien eyes, not human ones. Her reports on male human activity are very inaccurate, since the goggles completely obscure her vision.

She uses a flamethrower because it reminds her of one of her favorite play toys back home.

What am I doing this doesn't even begin to make any type of sense asjdfkldsjf

>>12554
yes plz

>>12551
You already have the announcer, a woman who controls ALL 18 men, from both teams. So why do you /NEEED/ pyro to be a woman?
Your logic is a bit...primitive; what does Pyro's gender has to do with your feminism ideology?
Besides, if you want to see a woman kicking ass you have miss Pauling - she's so suave, so...innocent looking. And then she's also a murderer. I love her. I love both miss Pauling and the Announcer. I don't see why we need more female characters.

You do realize that neither the Administrator nor Miss Pauling as playable, right? They don't even appear in the game: Miss Pauling doesn't appear at all, and the Administrator is just a disembodied voice. They are part of the extra material like comics and blog posts, not really part of the game itself. Heck, the Administrator didn't even have a character design until years after the game's debut.

what does Pyro's gender has to do with your feminism ideology?

Dude, what part of "as a woman, I like seeing women in my entertainment, and I find a total lack of women alienating" can't you understand?

It ain't exactly rocket science. You yourself called my logic "primitive". So, if it's so primitive, why can't you grasp it? Either it's primitive or it's complicated, it can't be both.

I can see why you might disagree with me. I can see why you might find my reasoning shallow and short-sighted. But I'm baffled that understanding seems to be the problem here. You keep rephrasing the same question again and again... Whether you agree with me or not, how can you not understand my extremely simple, completely straightforward, downright elementary, 2+2=4, "primitive" logic?

Just say that you disagree with me instead of coming up with yet another convoluted way of asking why I care.

Someone recently made a very nice comic about what might be under Pyro's mask. I find myself agreeing. *Picture is not mine*

>>12561
>the Administrator is just a disembodied voice

>>12561
please stop being so butthurt; you're getting incredibly defensive over something really trivial. take the quasi feminism elsewhere if you're gonna drag it on like this.

>>12562
let's all drop the ridiculous argument and accept this as our headcanon instead

pyro is (evil) kittens A+

>>12564
Dude, let her have her opinions. It's not a big deal. She even admitted that it was probably nothing, anyway, just how she feels. She hasn't tried to convert you or say anyone else was wrong, jeez. Lay off.

Anyways, I've always seen Medic as the kind of guy to sleep in a lot. He just seems to be the type of guy who spends an overly-enthusiastic night doing science, and then pays for it in the morning. I just love the thought of him being a cranky old man when he gets up.

Sniper, though... I see as waking up bright and early. Hunters do that, right? That's a thing Hunters make a paint to do?

As much as I love arguing, I'm afraid the thread topic is calling to me.

Sniper is terrified of heights. That combined with his occupation combined with his coffee addiction and steroid-enhanced kidneys and regular-sized bladder is a recipe for pants-related disaster.

Engineer shaves his head and wears eyebrow-concealing goggles, and lives day-to-day dreading the possibility that somebody will discover his red hair. He takes Gingerphobia perhaps a little too much to heart.
The team already knows that Engineer is a redhead. Nobody has commented upon it because they are all tragically unaware of the hilarious reaction they could get if they did.

Spy keeps his face concealed due to a mistake he made whilst drunk in a tattoo parlour.

Pyro has had the same stupid song stuck in his head for the past five years. He found it catchy at first, but now it’s starting to drive him insane.

In Meet The Scout, I thought for while that Scout had taken the cheese and tomatoes off of the Sandvich after he KOed Heavy. This spurred a headcanon in which he's lactose intolerant (and just hates tomatoes in general).

My headcanon was sadly dashed when someone presented me with a high-rendered picture of Scout's Sandvich after the fight, and showed it still had the cheese and tomatoes on. Whoops. But hey, maybe the Blu Scout is lactose intolerant?

Okay, actually I'm lolling at the idea of BLU Scoot getting a bad case of gas after accidentally ingesting something with lactose in it. I guess I am secretly twelve, lol k.

>>12572

"Pyro has had the same stupid song stuck in his head for the past five years. He found it catchy at first, but now it’s starting to drive him insane."

That. is. genius.

Soldier often completely forgets how much money he has. He never had much growing up and as a result wants for very little when it comes to creature comforts that aren't weapons and ribs, and therefore lives in tiny dark apartments with few luxuries while he's sitting on millions and millions of dollars.

At some point in his life, Sniper received a severe head trauma from a wayward bullroarer.

RED Heavy and RED Scout acted scared in Meet the Pyro because they were fucking with The Director so he'd be too afraid to ask Pyro for an interview.

I was writing something and came to the conclusion that Pyro is neither male nor female. "He's an Addams!" Yes, like the Addams family Cousin Itt. And in the TF2-verse, the Addams family is well known and numeous, and rather infamous. This also explains Pyrovision and Pyro's fascination with fire.

http://www.teamfortress.com/post.php?id=5244

The Heavy is a bit sarcastic but hides it by playing dumb. I've kind of got evidence of this.

Usually Soldier has baby job of talking to you through button board. He cannot come to blog today because he tells me he must accept highest honor US government can give: Jury Duty. He could not wait to go deliver his guilty hanging verdict for whatever it is criminal did, but he left seventeen page speech for me to type to you. I am not doing this.

See, either he's genuinely got no idea that Solly is being a weirdo (well, you know, he's from Soviet Russia, maybe he's not very familiar with fair trials?), or he's feigning having no idea to make fun of him. The second sentence sort of reads like he's intentionally building up to an anticlimax because it's funny. And that "whatever it is criminal did" thing sounds kind of disdainful to me...

Much like heroin addicts can give up drugs quite easily whenever they want, Pyro has absolutely no problem going about in public without his suit. He just coincidentally has not done so for nearly a decade.

The RED team thought they’d fuck with Director by pretending that the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was a horrifying psycho killer. Unfortunately, the prank went something amiss because the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was also a horrifying psycho killer.

Sometimes Spy lets Scout into his bedroom just so that he can organise it again afterwards.

Medic’s special healing sandviches taste something like mouldy tires deep-fried in turpentine and thickly spread with Vegemite. This incidentally is a delicacy to people like Heavy and Scout, who growing up often had to stretch their limited grocery budgets by eating the grocery bags. They don’t mind a little toxic medigun discharge on a perfectly good sandvich.

  After really listening to his stories from Poker Night and with how he describes things, I can imagine Heavy as a bit of a writer on his down time. The PhD in Russian Literature helps too.

>>12580
It could be both. I like the sarcastic idea a lot though, because I love the idea of Heavy being intelligent, and because I can totally see Soldier's teammates getting exasperated at Solly's paranoid behavior (see: the WAR! comic and how heavily barricaded his house is).

>>12581
>>The RED team thought they’d fuck with Director by pretending that the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was a horrifying psycho killer. Unfortunately, the prank went something amiss because the sweetest and gentlest member of their team was also a horrifying psycho killer.

I like this.

Engineer and soldier are the only ones not scared of pyro. Evidenced by minttu's comic

Spy isn’t French. I don’t know what he is. Probably Albanian or something. Anyway, he’s faking his nationality. Being Albanian isn’t cool enough for him.

The contract is an eight-hundred page, fine print legalese monstrosity. Nobody has a clue what it says.

Sniper has a fondness for paisley.

Pyro has a great big mancrush on the enemy Spy, and absolutely no idea why Spy doesn’t love him back. He figures he’s just unworthy.

Sometimes, when neither Engineer nor Helmet are looking, Soldier likes to wear Hardhat. It’s sort of like men who try on their wives’ skirts. It brings him a joy that he can't explain.

Commence TL;DR conspiracy theory braindump...

The mercenaries have been fighting since 1968. It's now the present day. Their memories have been altered so they don't know that.

TF Industries has a supercomputer that can predict the future. They tracked down and hired the mercenaries because the computer predicted they'd do things which would drastically harm the weapons-manufacturing business. So, in the spirit of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer", they got hired to fight each other endlessly.

The medigun, teleporters, and dispensers would bring humanity to such an advanced state there might not be any more need for war. Particularly teleporters: no more war over fuel! TF Industries would rather figure out how to profit off these inventions than let them become standard household appliances. And since Engie is a nice guy, he'd probably decide to try to see them used for the good of humanity. And Medic would rather get recognition for his inventions than try to profit off them, plus he's got that whole transhumanist, Nietszchean, "I could create gods" thing where his ego would really get off on changing the world.

Demo's conspiracy-theorist tendencies might lead to him figuring out the truth. And then blowing TF Industries sky-high. Solly would help. They'd have had whacky, endearing misadventures taking down TF Industries if they hadn't been hired as mercenaries.

Spy also might be able to discover the truth. Then he'd sell it to the highest bidder.

If the truth got out, Sniper would be the most likely to successfully assassinate those in power.

Because the KGB killed Heavy's dad, he's got a bit of a grudge against the Soviet government. Since he's almost superhumanly tough, secretly pretty damn smart, and can shoot you with his finger, he could do something about that and end up causing the fall of the Soviet Union. That'd end the Cold War and decrease the demand for weapons.

The computer isn't very certain of what Scout's role would be, but he's actually Spy's son, so they decided to take him out of the picture just to be safe.

And as for Pyro... well, Pyro is Pyro.

Also, there's no real point to the fighting any more aside from weapons testing. Also, the teams are clones.

>>12633

That is FUCKING COOL

Alright, I said I was done, but I lied. Here are some more Headcanon.

Pyro may or may not have invented CandyLand. Either way, he can and will kick your ass at it.

Pyro might also be into glam/punk/rock/metal too much, he has a sparkly outfit. Medic is the only one that knows, and he has a similar outfit. It was also Medic's idea to add fake boobs to Pyro's outfit so no one knew the true gender.

Engineer is secretly from the future, and he constantly has to 'dumb-down' his inventions to make them seem more plausible. In reality, he doesn't need Australium to run his machines.

I still think Sniper is a wild man who howls at the moon with wolves and shit. He's too wild to become a hippy, and one of his greatest dreams is to return to the Australian jungles and live without tech.

Scout's great-great-great-great-great-grandson/daughter is Commander Shepard.

>>12363
Plothole: In order to have a great-great-great-great-great-grandchild, Scout would have to get laid.

>>12638
He could adopt.

Or, ya know. Hookers.

Most of my headcanons end up in my fics - the Director's reference to Sniper being a 'victim of the educational system' is in regards to him being a homeschooled School of the Air student, for example - but one that I haven't managed to find a place for yet is that when Saxton Hale firebombed Woodstock, the bands and audience retaliated with catapults and trebuchets.

Hippies they might have been, but it’s not like The Who would have willingly missed a chance to weaponize Keith Moon.

Mann Co. is the world’s top manufacturer of mercenaries. Their world-famous signature line features nine models, each in two different colours, and revolutionised the industry with their unprecedented selection of custom headgear options. This has given rise to an entire culture of mercenary personalisation. A community of dedicated hobbyists spend countless hours altering their mercenaries, installing custom personalities or even replacing parts of the standard model with tentacles or vaginas.

>>12638
He went to Vegas.

new headcanon

soldier sleeps with his eyes open. And a nightlight. and shovel.

cause you never know when the enemy might strike and need a good shoveling

>>12770
Soldier is a robot, beep boop.
Sleep is for the fleshies and the weak. Boop.

>>12777

then he pretends to sleep. Thats why he's so crazy. He's actually just an insomniac

give that fuck some melotonin and he'll suddenly start making sense. It would be less shaggy dog stories, more "why the fuck doesn't my helmet fit me I can't see anything"

the day soldier stops being nuts is the day that all the worlds children cry.

Medic is a kleptomaniac to some degree. So far in canon, he's stolen a catering van, the BLU Spy's Head, a skeleton, Heavy's heart, and probably the other hearts in his fridge.

>>12789

"the heavy's heart"

I wish you could see me, because I'm waggling my eyebrows something fierce right now

I like secretly imagining by "prime minister" they meant Hitler and "stole a catering van" meant "Medic ran over Hitler in a stolen catering van, backed up, then ran over him again".

>>12798
What if Hitler was the patient who woke up with no skeleton?

>>12801
Even better.

Okay, so my friend told me this headcanon's stupid. But I've had it for about two years now.

Heavy named his gun Sasha after his younger sister, who died somehow because of something he couldn't prevent. He's extremely protective of the gun as if it were the real person--a coping mechanism.

>>12811
Not an uncommon headcannon. Not stupid.

>>12812
Okay, that makes me feel better. Thanks.

The pyro is either
>Rastafarian
or
>A sassy black woman.

I don't even know. It started as an inside joke with my friend and it got worse from there.

Saxton Hale is BFFs with Phil Ken Sebben.

>>12828
Why not both?

>>12828
>>12836
I just visualized it.

DYING.

>>12835
I want fanart of this.

>>12828
Spy vs. Pyro?

>>12846
I want fanart of this too.

DEAR INTERNET,
PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

anbody got any music headcanons? like, what the mercs would listen to and stuff

>>12848
Bidwell is totally a Beatles fan, at least. His disguise was totally Sgt. Pepper in that last comic.

>>12848

Oh, I have ideas...

Scout is a Rolling Stones fan. He doesn't have much patience for The Beatles more psychedelic fare, he just wants rock music that he can party to. The Monkees may be a guilty pleasure for him that he's kind of ashamed of.

Soldier's favorite song is the 1812 Overture and he doesn't understand why more songs don't incorporate live cannon fire. Otherwise he mostly sticks with the occasional boogie-woogie of his youth, or any kind of classical music that sounds like you should be disemboweling your enemies to it.

Pyro has the weirdest taste in music of all of them. Pyro unironically loves The Shags. Most of Pyro's record collection consists of a weird mixture of psychedelic rock and 50's and 60's bubblegum pop with perhaps a bit of jazz and soundtracks from musicals thrown in. Pyro is also the type that will fall in love with a song and listen to it over and over again for days, wearing away at the sanity of his teammates as they have to listen to "Yummy Yummy Yummy" for the 50th goddamned time.

Demoman adores Jimi Hendrix. With rock music becoming whiter and whiter by the time the 60's rolls around, Demo feels a bit of a kinship with one of the biggest names in rock music at the time being a black man. He's pretty lukewarm on a lot of the Motown music of the time and he wishes Scout would stop asking him for recommendations.

Heavy is an Elvis fan. A huge Elvis fan. Perhaps he's a little bit obsessed. He's probably sent Elvis fan mail, and wishes that he could someday meet him. Sometimes he makes Medic wear the Hound Dog for him. Medic just barely puts up with it.

Engineer is, naturally, a fan of country music, but he's also fond of the rock 'n' roll music of the 50's. He's also a fan of folk music. Most people make Engie a fan of Johnny Cash in their stories, which I can totally see. I'd like to think he'd have an appreciation for Bob Dylan as well.

Medic is almost strictly a classical music fan, though I think when he was younger he appreciated some swing. Otherwise the most out-there stuff he listens to might be Stravinsky. He does not care for the crude American rock music so many of his teammates seem to adore.

Sniper is a big fan of The Who. I think he would probably end up talking music with Scout and Demo, but despite this he's the one that gets singled out by Soldier for being a dirty smelly hippie that lives in a van and listens to Satan music. Some of Pyro's music might have grown on him, and he might borrow Pyro's copy of The Velvet Underground & Nico on occasion.

Spy is a fan of the Rat Pack. He loves crooners, the likes of Dean Martin and Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra. He's fond of jazz, and waxes nostalgic about how the Americans don't make music like they used to. He probably likes George Gershwin. I think he keeps it a secret that he enjoys musicals with the likes of Gene Kelly or Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.

... That's just my thoughts, though.

>>12848
Heavy Weapons Guy likes experimental music, such as psychedelic rock and modern piano. He acquired the taste for potentially order chaos during his university years.
Medic naturally prefers late classical music, or at least that’s the only thing he’ll admit to liking. He has two ultra secretive secrets:
The first is that over time he’s grown to appreciate the the things Heavy listens to. This is problematic because he spent the first two years of their friendship criticising Heavy’s taste in music—changing his mind now would be entirely too much like admitting that he was wrong.
His second secret is that polka fills him with an irrepressible desire to snag himself a partner and dance about like the stupendous dork he was born to be. If this were found out, it could very well be used to control him.


Sniper, being the majestic wild animal he is, can easily be frightened away by loud music. This is in part because he's used to natural ambience, such as wind in the trees and kangaroo mating calls, and also in part because he relies almost exclusively hearing to detect potential threats while his eyeballs are jammed up against the scope. His fear of persistent loud noises is not unlike anybody else's fear of the dark.
He can usually tolerate mellow music if he's shut up in a room or alone on long drives, but even so he might get it in his head that he missed hearing something that he should have, and will have to pull over and tear through his entire van in search of mechanical failures or stowaway spies. Because Spy definitely hasn’t got anything better to do than to hide in Sniper’s van to stab him while he’s on holiday.



Soldier, of course, is passionate about all things Americana. He likes to bellow patriotic songs whilst doing his [voluntary, completely unnecessary] rounds about the base, or so he claims to be doing, although strangely enough his rendition of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” sounds almost exactly like “Mr. Tambourine Man.”
That’s to be expected, though, as Soldier is almost definitely a repressed hippie.


Pyro enjoys just about everything, from pop to jazz to Bulgarian womens’ choirs to obnoxious clicking sounds. However, the few songs that he doesn’t like can make him inexplicably furious*, given to smashing in stereos with a homewrecker.

Legend has it that the Meet the Pyro massacre happened because Pyro overheard a bad cover of Purple Haze, which to be fair would drive anybody mad.


Because Engineer is the Hippie's close taxonomic relative, the Academic Liberal, he feels that it is his kinship duty to help Soldier come to terms with his inner hippie--by inviting him to sit around a campfire in the middle of a flower-strung wilderness singing contemporary folk songs about social cooperation and environmentalism and listening to "nature's music." Engineer just tells Soldier that it’s the experience of the Great American Frontier, and Soldier chooses to believe it.
Demoman is also trying to help Soldier out off the hippie closet by peer pressuring him to smoke marijuana. That’s what friends are for.

Demoman plays the bagpipes. Badly. He also highland dances. Badly. He might do better if he were sober, but probably not.
Spy plays the accordion, which I think I mentioned earlier in this thread, along with puberty jokes.
And Heavy is an excellent pianist, which is a small miracle considering that his fingers are twice the size of the keys.

In his last year of medical school, Medic got a tattoo of a caduceus with really scary fangy snakes on it. He was drunk when he got it, but he liked it anyway until he found out he'd meant to get the staff of Asclepius.

Soldier's version of "Battle Hymn of the Republic" goes kind of like:
"Glory, glory hallelujah
Sun Tzu is marching on."

There are legitimate rules for using the respawning machine.

-The respawn machine may not be used outside of battle.
-The machine may not be used if the corpse has
a) Been deceased for more than twenty-four (24) hours, or
b) Begun advanced decomposition, including but not limited to bloating, rotting, feasting by carrion, etc.
-If the corpse in question is freshly-deceased and the cause of death resulted in separation of all body parts, at least four (4) body parts should be able to be found.

Someone put this on a legal-looking document. Also other rules are welcome.

Someone on another 'chan suggested that Balloonicorn's parents are Lady Rainicorn and Jake from Adventure Time. Lady is canonically pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm totally okay with this.

  The song listed is the song of Heavy's life - from birth to the events of Meet the Medic. It's up to the listener to decide what moment goes with what event of his life.

Also, this is something developed in an RP with Izzy. Pyro is actually a man obsessed with the Holy Bible. Like, to a terrifying extent. He locks himself up in his room and will chant scriptures to himself while burning little sections of himself to "cleanse" his soul.

He is responsible for the death of his mom when he was a teenager. To be fair, she was very abusive - physically, emotionally, and sexually - but generally, the best way to deal with someone like that is to call the cops, not resort to arson.

He believes that fire is the path to intimate knowledge of God, and really sees incinerating his enemy as providing a path to salvation. For heir own good, you see. On the flip side, he ABHORS his team mates due to an especially traumatic night soon after he was initiated where they slipped Viagra into his food, stole his suit, and locked him in a room with a hooker all night. After several hours of sobbing in a corner and trying to exorcise the devil from his penis, he finally conceded to sex. Crying the whole time. (The hooker had to be payed extra for that and vowed to never come back.) When he found out about the prank the next morning, he never forgave them and will frequently threaten them with "unholy, black fire" if they try to get near him. Ever.

This isn't really a headcanon but more of a food for thought.

I can't remember if it was here or on tumblr that someone mentioned it, but on one of TF2's newer maps there are bathrooms labeled for men who wear hats, and for men without hats.

Now excluding hats altogether and taking just the basic outfits that the mercs already have, that leaves us with five mercs with hats: Scout, Soldier, Demoman, Engineer, and Sniper. If we count the masks that Spy and Pyro wear as a kind of psuedo-hat, than that leaves Heavy and Medic as being the only normally hatless members on the team.

The only two members that have their own bathroom unless they're wearing a hat. Make what you will out of that.

>>12872
I guess that makes it pretty easy to have some alone time together...

Now I want to see oppression-of-the-hatless fic. Heavy goes without a hat despite all the money he makes as a mercenary to stand in solidarity with his hatless proletarian comrades! Medic just squanders all his paychecks on experimental materials and birdseed and can't afford one. When Medic gets a random hat drop, how will this affect their relationship?

Turns out it's the Gentleman's Ushanka and Medic only wears it because it reminds him of Heavy...

The Sniper is a descendant of an Assassin and the Spy is the descendant of a Templar.

>Why anon shouldn't drink while playing games

Scout has achieved absolute mastery in the art of squirting milk out his nose. He can aim a perfect headshot from twenty feet off.

Tavish often has to explain to Jane that sharing a Glascow kiss does not make them boyfriends. They have to have this talk at least once a week. Jane either forgets or “forgets.”

When Engineer was a boy, he designed and built airsoft sentries to guard his cushion fortresses. His mum didn’t care for them.

Soldiers, being unable to see anything except their own feet, rely primarily on echolocation to navigate their surroundings. That’s why they so often appear to be screaming at inanimate objects.

In order to ensure the quality of his company’s products, Saxton Hale makes it his personal duty to perform a test cuddle on each and every Teddy Roosebelt before it goes into its packaging. If a Teddy Roosebelt does not meet Saxton’s high standards of huggability, he will serve it tea and speak softly to it until it is up to snuff.

Engineer’s Great Grandmum on his maternal grandmother’s side was a spider monkey.

BLU Soldier was named Jane because his entire family are horrible spellers. They all have short names so they can't be misspelled (and all the male names were taken anyway).

On a semi-unrelated note, all the maps for MvM are computer related... except for the very first one, called Doe's Drill. And Soldier is the mastermind behing the disguising of Mann Co. And Soldier was called Mr. Doe in the comics.

>>12881

I imagine that the process of Soldier’s christening might have gone something like this:
“Johnny. J. A. N…. Jaaaan……. Uh. E. Johnny.”

I don’t blame his parents. Vowels in written English don’t make any goddamned sense.

So these guys are kinda cool.

Canon or not? We probably won't see them again, but one can hope, right?

So, this popped in my head last night after I decided 'The Fabulous Adventures of James and Bond' would have been awesome set in London instead of Las Vegas.

Frau from Austin Powers is related to Medic. It's a stupid headcanon, but in my head it makes perfect sense.

On that note, Spy is secretly into that whole international man of mystery sort of thing, and he keeps all sorts of 'groovy' records in his room, under heavy lock and key, obviously. He wants to go out into the world and stop evil geniuses and whatnot. (and bang women with ridiculous names.)

Have a question and this seems like a good place to ask it.

I'm working on a fic, based on a request thread prompt, in which Scout is an amputee. He and Engie bond over this yadda yadda sexytimes ensue. I want to mention Scout being in the army... because that's where his dog tags are from, right? Just checking. I read somewhere they belonged to his brother, but that may or may not have been another fanfic.

Thanks for the help, sorry for the silly question.

>>12935

Scout's dog-tags, as far as I know, have no canon explanation. General fanon is they're from a brother or his missing/dead/robot/alien dad, but it's just as likely that he bought a set of novelty dogtags just for the cool factor.

>>12936
Do you think I would be attacked by a hoard of rabid fans if I said they were legitimate army tags of his own?

>>12938 - No, that's the source I've always used for them myself and I haven't gotten attacks from other fans over it. As long as you do some background research to have a good idea of what you're writing about, you'll be fine.

>>12939
Okay, thank you both.

I'm a dumb butt and put my head canons in the wrong thread. Let's fix that!

I noticed scout sucks his thumb when his team loses. I was thinking that could be like a character tick when he's nervous. He does it in meet the pyro briefly, and thumbles around with his hands in the beginning. So it got me to thinking that scout is very physical with his emotions. Maybe he bites his nails, that would be interesting.

I also have this headcanon that scout tends to climb all over soldier or heavy. Like piggy backing and stuff. I just imagine him being very physical. I don't mean that in a wife beater way, but in a "when I'm freaking out I have to suck my thumb and bite my nails and move around a lot." If scout leans on you it means he likes you and considers you a friend. He'll rough around with his team for fun but he wont beat them up even if he's mad at them cause he likes them too much.

I imagine scout has a lot of energy constantly. But it's a very anxious energy. He moves around a lot in his sleep. Very physical very expressive. He's more relaxed at work cause he gets his massive amounts of energy out.

The reason the guard dog isn't in the game is because scout brought him home. Originally Engie found him as a stray and the team thought they'd train him to be an attack dog, but scout bonded with him and was like" NO HE'S NOT GOING IN BATTLE" He threw a big fit and now the dog lives with him in his apartment. For a long time scout didn't know what to call him so he just called DOG. After awhile he named her, peaches. (After he found out it was a girl dog. He couldn't tell at first. )

I've always believed that despite being detached from the socket, Demoman can still see with his disembodied eye. He can't stop seeing all the twisted, nightmarish visions his eye is showing him so he drinks to cope. Sometimes he's unsure what world he's living in, so he often has lapses in lucidity.

>>12984
oh.. my... fuck

One of Scout's brothers has hearing problems, so Scout is well-versed in sign language and really good at understanding Pyro's pantomimes.

With Scout gone and none of her boys left (unless Spy comes a calling), Scout's Mum was experiencing quite an empty nest.

So she got a Pomeranian. Cream colored little girl (she's had enough of boys already) with a precious, nonthreatening little bark.

Absolutely hates Spy. No matter what he does to try and sneak in she finds him, with a swift grab to his pant leg. The Invis watch doesn't help him either. She picks up on his cologne and waits at the window or door for him to come in. Sometimes she'll hide under furniture and pounce when he's near.

He hates that little dog. Plans to kill it some day. Maybe dropping it out the window, stabbing it, running over it with his vespa. Someday.

>>13019
And anytime they make love, she just sits there on the floor. Staring. Watching. Silently judging.

What is everyone's religion?

Most of the team is probably some flavor of Christian. Perhaps Medic is Jewish? I like how ironic that feels. I see Pyro as some more Eastern religion. At first I thought Buddhist, but he burns shit for a living. Hindi? Maybe Muslim? If he's a she, it would make sense for her to be a religious muslim who covers her face.

I really like to think Soldier is a Mormon because it's an American-made religion. Scientology is too new, but maybe in an AU setting he could be Scientologist or the actual founder/inspiration for the founder.

I think Engie would either be devoutly Christian or atheist. No in between. But if he was atheist, he would probably hide it or be ashamed of it.

Demo, Heavy, Spy, Sniper, Scout are all different kinds of Christian.

>>13023
>If he's a she, it would make sense for her to be a religious muslim who covers her face.

...my brains! I love this idea! It would be a very good explanation for why nobody knows what she looks like, not even her teammates!

>>13023
Why would Medic being Jewish be ironic?

>>13027
Well, historically speaking, most crazy German doctors were Nazis. If he's a crazy german doctor and jewish... I'm
bad with words. Maybe it's not ironic. But I'm certain it's something.

>>13024
Thanks.

>>13032
Not always. I think there were German doctors who were either Jewish, gay, or just simply opposed to the Nazi regime. History likes to paint it black or white, but WWII in Germany wasn't just "everyone who wasn't persecuted was a Nazi". And we know from word of one of the writers that Medic wasn't.

>>13023
Scout is almost certainly Catholic in my opinion, since most of the white people in Southie during that time came from devoutly Catholic populations.

So I was thinking, scout obviously has shit luck with women right? Do you think that would be plausible as a source of insecurity for him?

So I was wondering, what insecurities do you think the mercs have?

>>13033
Right I wasn't saying he was a Nazi. I... Well it made sense in my head.

>>13038
He wouldn't be outwardly insecure about it, I think. "They's just scared of my big dick!"

Maybe Spy is actually really ugly, which is why he wears his mask off the field.

>>13041
Well, of course Spy is ugly. The balaclava doesn't do enough to conceal the fact that his facial structure is that of a mule.

>>13042
Then why does everyone paint him (literally and figuratively) as devilishly handsome? Actually, now that I think about it, I have seen some pics where Spy is maskless and ugly, although I can't be sure it was on purpose.

>>13043
Probably for the same reason he's almost always portrayed as having black hair, even though his brown eyebrows are in plain sight. People just see the balaclava and think, "Oh, he's a masked man, that means I can make up whatever I want," instead of actually looking at him, and seeing all the things that the mask doesn't hide. They perceive a void where there isn't one and plaster him over with, I'm assuming, their preconceived notions of what a fashionable and sophisticated French spy is 'supposed' to look like.

And of course, I'm sure that some of the artists in questions are just the sorts who only draw pretty people. There are a lot of artists, even ones who seem to be quite skilled, who simply can't draw anything but generically handsome faces, and plenty of artists who could but choose not to draw unattractive people--even if it means deliberately ploughing over somebody's likeness and chalking it up to their "style."

>>13044
I agree with the (probably super unpopular) opinion that Spy is the least attractive class in the game, but honestly given the nature of this site I don't think most people on this board really want the characters to be drawn as "ugly" or not at least some sort of handsome.

>>13043
Because he's French. French men are always charming, and charming men are always handsome.

Stereotypes are fun.

What if Spy really isn't that handsome, but has a charming demeanor to make up for it? He doesn't think Scout's mom would find him attractive with the mask off, but she's in love with the rest of him anyways, so in reality, she doesn't care?

>>13047

>>13045 here, that's how I always rationalized it. Underneath the mask he knows he's rather plain so he relies on his mystique and personality instead. Or maybe Scout's mom still finds him hot without the mask anyway. I mean, I personally don't think he's outright ugly, just that he doesn't have any features I find attractive the way all the other classes do.

>>13047
Well, the beautiful people will always tell you that being sexy is one part looks and [insert arbitrary integer here] parts things that aren't looks. Assuming that Scootma finds virginity jokes to be charming. Or maybe she's attracted to goats, and that makes Spy the perfect man for her. Either way, if she's happy, I'm happy. What does her taste in rams men matter to us?

>>13049
I actually laughed out loud.

Maybe he has a fantastic schlong?

These are a few of mine. Some have popped up in my crappy fanfics, but some are in my head alone.

I like to think Sniper reads pulp horror/sci-fi mags, a pastime that began during his clumsy adolescence. He keeps them stashed in his van where they do double duty in concealing his porno mags. Kilgore Trout is his favourite author. He also has a skeptical-yet-hopeful interest in cryptozoolgy, and dreams that someday he'll get to kill a Mongolian death worm or mokele m'bembe - if they do actually exist and he can find one. (DF 38's story with the tremors seemed more funny to me because of this.) Him and Demoman trade paranormal stories and legends when they aren't just going out and getting destroyed on cheap booze.

Me and my usual suspect have a running joke that Sniper is part wolfman. He doesn't change, but anyone he bites turns into a werewolf.

Spy looks alright under his mask (aside from the fact that his features are very, very French), but his hair has long since gone south. He has an awful combover.

Heavy read The Illiad in classical Greek, during his undergraduate studies. He likes to imagine that him and Medic are like a modern-day Achilles and Patroclus. It helps that he gets to brutally avenge Medic's death on a regular basis, thanks to respawn.

In terms of religion:
-Scout is clearly Catholic, and probably went to Catholic school because the public schools in Boston were pretty dire at the time, and Catholic schools were cheap/free and better.

-Because Soviet Russia, Heavy probably hasn't had much exposure to organized religion. But considering the fact his dad was killed for being a counterrevolutionary, I have the idea that his parents taught him about Christianity and maybe other religions, in a secular kind of way, just to be rebellious. Not necessarily that they raised him religious. They just taught him about Christianity and the Bible because it's kind of a big deal. So when he got his giant mitts on an illegal copy of The Master and Margarita in postgrad, he had no problem understanding the religious allusions. Drives me nuts when fanfic writers have him all "what is Bible, is it thing you eat?" There's no way the USSR was that successful in wiping our the opiate of the masses.

-Medic is totally Jewish. The "Archimedes!" song is some pretty nice klezmer music. And his nose would fit right in with my Jewish relatives'. And when he sings "Danke Schoen", he uses the Yiddish pronounciation of "schoen" (rhymes with "pain" instead of "pawn"), which, to be fair, is used in the English translation of the song, but considering the fact there's also a German version, you'd think he'd sing that. And I think it's left intentionally ambiguous which version of the song he's singing, because he just goes "danke schoen, nah nah, danke schoen." The English version goes "danke shoen, darling, danke schoen," but he's apparently forgotten most of the words... which is pretty endearing. So, headcanon: Medic is a dippy, eccentric Jewish guy (he's an atheist, and a nihilist, but he's still culturally Jewish, and his mother was mad as hell when he lost his medical license. She threatened to die of shock, and made a big deal out of how her son, who's not a doctor, couldn't save her if she did) who has no idea why he comes across as an uptight ex-Nazi. Somehow the way his clothes fit on him screams "Hugo Boss", and he has no idea why. People move away from him in the pews when he's dragged to synagogues for family events...

>>13062
Everything you just said might as well have come from my own head.

Soldier is a “Christian,” by which I mean he makes up whatever the hell he wants and claims that Jesus said it. He readily declares that the Bible is a load of horse shit on account of the fact that he doesn’t agree with it, he thinks Catholicism and Protestantism are both suicide cults, and he rejects just about every Christian principle under the sun. Since he’s been manually escorted out of every church he’s ever entered, he’s taken responsibility for his own salvation. He baptised himself by taking a warm, lavender-scented bubble bath, and occasionally declares his pork ribs to be the body and blood of Christ.

Pyro believes in Unicorns.

Engineer is a sort of sceptical animist. He likes to think that everything has a spirit of some sort—nothing you can see or measure, but there. He freely admits that he has no good reason to believe what he does, and that he mostly just believes it because he feels like it. He just thinks of it as a way to satisfy his spiritual inclination [a taste for the supernatural inflicted upon him by ridiculously devout parents] without offending rationality.

Demoman was raised Catholic, but his experiences with the supernatural have converted him, unwillingly, into a pagan shaman of sorts. I say “unwillingly,” because shit, he didn’t ask to have spirit beings possess his empty eye sockets, bestowing upon him the ability to see the Yrth Underhill.

Spy admires religious devotion, being largely charmed by the iconicism of Roman Catholicism, and by the idea that a person can simply wash away their sins. He wishes he could deceive himself to believe it—he’d certainly be a lot happier if he did—but he can’t.

Sniper keeps telling himself that the existence of God doesn’t make any sense and he shouldn’t believe it, but he’s never been able to shake a paranoid concern that higher powers are watching him and judging him while he masturbates. Luckily for Sniper, that’s not God. It’s just Spy.

>>Soldier is a “Christian,” by which I mean he makes up whatever the hell he wants and claims that Jesus said it.
>>Sniper keeps telling himself that the existence of God doesn’t make any sense and he shouldn’t believe it, but he’s never been able to shake a paranoid concern that higher powers are watching him and judging him while he masturbates. Luckily for Sniper, that’s not God. It’s just Spy.

My favorite quotes of the day. Thank you.

>>13062
I like this as sort of a compromise between the two most common headcanons. He's Jewish, but people don't entirely believe he is because he's just so darn creepy. (Although I think if you transplanted Medic into a different ethnicity and time period, he'd be creepy regardless. In an endearing way.)

>>13052
I had this mental image of Heavy reading The Illiad in bed and pausing to take his reading glasses off, trying to wipe his eyes, and having to explain to Medic what happened in the book and Medic just patting his arm.

Spy is actually a very wealthy aristocrat from an old-money family. However, the high life didn't entertain him enough, and soon he began training to be a master thief and assassin.

>>13063
>Soldier is a “Christian,” by which I mean he makes up whatever the hell he wants and claims that Jesus said it. He readily declares that the Bible is a load of horse shit on account of the fact that he doesn’t agree with it, he thinks Catholicism and Protestantism are both suicide cults, and he rejects just about every Christian principle under the sun. Since he’s been manually escorted out of every church he’s ever entered, he’s taken responsibility for his own salvation. He baptised himself by taking a warm, lavender-scented bubble bath, and occasionally declares his pork ribs to be the body and blood of Christ.

I laughed. Personally I see Demoman as Presbyterian because of his Scottishness.

>>13068
>I had this mental image of Heavy reading The Illiad in bed and pausing to take his reading glasses off, trying to wipe his eyes, and having to explain to Medic what happened in the book and Medic just patting his arm.

This just gave me diabetes. Absolutely adorable. Of course, I just love the idea of Heavy cracking into a really big book for several hours on end. Maybe listening to a book on tape when he's cleaning Sascha, since his hands aren't free. The man has a PHD in lit (I take Poker Night as canon as anything else, why not?), so I can see him being incredibly bookish. Also your idea of him having reading glasses is the cutest.

And with Poker Night brought up, I can imagine when the team was forming, Heavy was amongst the first. And when he found out there was a Scottish explosives expert joining up, he was super excited because to a lot of people, Scottish and Irish = Red Hair. Needless to say he was disappointed.

Spy isn't French. His parents were Hungarian Jews who fled to Britain during one of the pogroms. He worked with MI6 during the war, and became attached enough to the "French" persona he developed in the field that he's continued to use it during his work for TF Industries.

>>13062

I don't personally see Medic as being Jewish, (I feel like it would be out of place in a 'silly' backstory and would make a serious one even more excessively melodramatic than it probably would be on its own) but I do like to imagine that he was quite the rebel as a student and enjoys listening to Jazz and Klezmer.

Medic isn't Jewish but he is circumcised - he did it himself in a fit of scientific curiosity.

>>13075

Oh my god

BEST HEADCANON

>>12878

>Soldiers, being unable to see anything except their own feet, rely primarily on echolocation to navigate their surroundings. That’s why they so often appear to be screaming at inanimate objects.

BEST HEADCANON. I love this one.

>Engineer’s Great Grandmum on his maternal grandmother’s side was a spider monkey.

This, though, I'd like an explanation for, if there is one.

>>13073
I can see Medic being Jewish, but not necessarily being disrespectful or melodramatic about it. Way I figure it, Medic is a very smart man. He probably noticed the change in climate as the party grew in power, and decided to get while the gettin' was good. Maybe taking loved ones, more likely looking out for number one. He probably left Deutchland long before things got serious, taking refuge in Switzerland, where German is spoken, even if it's practically an alien language. Swiss German is intensely different from Germany's German.

New headcanon: Sniper as a cat owner. They could both be lazy, and give no fucks about anything, and occasionally Sniper would remember to feed it, but even if he didn't, it's okay, because the little furball's a great hunter, and brings back dead birds all the time, as if to say 'thanks for letting me sleep in your van, and piss on your shag carpeting'.

>>13094
When cats bring you dead things, they're nagging you to get a job learn to hunt.
I can see Sniper's cat being entirely disenchanted with Sniper's sniping skills. Clawing things to death is far more polite and efficient.

>>13094
As someone whose cat dragged home a pheasant once, I wholeheartedly support this headcanon. It's freaking adorable. I can picture a tortoiseshell kitty, lounging around while Sniper watches a target.

>>13095
What does it mean when they bring you live things? My cat used to bring home still-squirming mice and moles all the time, drop them in the house. Guess who had to run around and try to catch them to put them back out in the backyard. Fun times.
I imagine Sniper's probably had to do that, too.

>>13098
Your cat's behaviour is the feline equivalent of leaving a stack of job applications on your side of the kitchen table. Get up and hunt, you lazy bastard. You're making your cat cry.

>>13100
But I was seven! They don't let seven year-olds work! ;_;

At least not legally.

>>13095

Wait I thought they brought you gifts because they love you

They do. They love you and want to take care of you. Like a parent providing for their child.

>>13095

Uh...my cat brings dead things to our doorstep, eats all of it except for the poop sack, then barfs it back up and leaves it there.

What does that mean?

>>13113
It means your cat's weird.

Sniper doesn't actually have parents.

>>13134

You can't just leave me hanging, explain yourself!

Scout played the flute in middle school band so that he could be surrounded by girls. He then practised his arse off to earn first chair so that he could sit next to the cute oboist. At no point in this experience did he develop anything resembling passion for the instrument.

The Administrator deliberately hires Heavies and Medics who are romantically compatible, out of the understanding that mated pairs will guard one-another more vigilantly. Miss Pauling is in charge of the matchmaking. She reads Star Trek slash, therefore she’s an expert on gay men.

Pyro will spontaneously combust every now and then, usually due to his brain short-circuiting whilst trying to solve difficult puzzles. It turns out that while his suit does repel flame from the outside, his inside is actually extremely flammable, capable of burning to ashes in under a minute.

Scootma has a behavioural disorder in which she is unable to restrain herself from telling embarrassing stories about her children to masked gentlemen.

Demoman is a cool uncle. The kind that takes you to zoos and lets you try on his kilt and distracts your scary aunt during family reunions so that you don’t have to talk to her. This is true even if he doesn’t have any nieces and nephews to be cool uncle to.
He might, for example, be a cool uncle to Scout's kids. This is important, because Scout will definitely become a single father, on the account of the fact that no woman will marry him, and he'll need the intervention of a cool uncle every once in a while to keep things going smoothly. Once his children are grown, though, a masked gentlewoman investigating the background of Scout’s adult [but still a virgin] daughter will fall deeply in love with Scout and seduce him. The masked gentlewoman's RED counterpart will take photographs of their sexual encounters and show them to her coworker, Scout's daughter, who in her outrage will swear a hatred for masked gentlefolk. Little will she know of the vicious cycle that has plagued her family for generations.

>>13136

That second one needs to be a fic. I'd do it myself if I could write.

Pyrovision works in reverse - that is, if he watched a show full of rainbows and sunshine like My Little Pony, he'd see a giant bloodbath of fire.

>>13137
I was going to mention Pyrovision earlier too.
His flower purse? He thinks it's a slick suitcase with a bitchin' skull on it. He likes cute things, but he wants people to think he's a badass (he can get insecure, too).

As for Sniper's parents (or lack thereof): I was trying to make a statement on his mental stability.

He's always phoning and arguing with his parents but if we imagine they're not alive.... Is he talking to a dead payphone? Calling random people and talking to them like they're family? Can he communicate with the dead?

If he killed his parents or otherwise feels guilty for his death, this could be a powerful way to show his inner turmoil.

Or he's just plum loony.

Scout is really strong, enough to crack someone's skull open, even if he doesn't look outwardly muscular.

There are people I know who irl appear very thin, almost wiry, and can carry heavy packages despite not being remotely "ripped". I can't explain it.

So no one's got a headcanon that can reconcile the existential crisis that is the existence of two groups of the exact same people?

Headcanon:
I see in fics/art that the classes are always annoyed by each others' habits and cultural differences, and more or less hate each other. Would they really act like that?

I'm reminded of a place I worked, where everyone had big, diverse personalities. Whenever someone acted cocky, smartass, dumbass, high, horny, giggly, gross or inappropriate, everyone else would just smile or laugh and say "Oh my God, Editor X. I love you."

I'd like to think everyone reacts with similar humor when Sniper announces that he needs to go piss in a jar during breakfast, or when Heavy breaks the chair he's sitting in, or when Scout tries to hit on everylady, etc.

Spy used to be a racing driver who'd "tinker" with his opponent's cars just before the race would begin. When he felt they were about to expose him for sabotage, he faked his own death and signed on for RED/BLU.

>>13140
I've been kicking around ideas to justify the identical teams before, but I've yet to come up with one I'm satisfied with.

I think the best one I have so far is that they are all the same people. Clones. In particular, since Blutarch seemed to take the initiative on things before Redmond, perhaps he was the one who first commissioned the respawn machine. Before, Mercs would sign on for a tour, then fuck off when they were done and paid, to be replaced. But that got expensive and tedious. So Blutarch had respawn created.

He eventually found that even though his team was now undying, they were still getting spanked, because a certain brother of his had finally assembled a perfect team, who could take out any force Blutarch sent at him. So while Redmond had his own respawn made from stolen intel, Blutarch upped the ante and secretly cloned the RED team using a conversion to his respawn technology. Now, BLU had RED's winning team, and a technically infinite amount of them. Just in time to run into RED's newly infinite amount of original mercs, thanks to his new respawn.

RED being the originals helps my reconcile why they are always the stars of the Meet The Team videos and promotional stuff as well. They're the default, the originals.

As such: Sniper's parents think he's loony because every once in a while he'll call them and tell them the same story he just called and told them a few days before. One from BLU, one from RED. Same poor poor parents.

>>13140

I've always seen that as one of these questions for which there is no answer, and for which there is not supposed to be an answer. This is just my theory on it, mind you, but I think that (considering all the other weird shit that apparently happens in their world) it's not too far out to suggest they simply could be a bunch of guys who are eerily similar to each other. They're like the guy in the movie who conveniently looks and talks and acts just like a famous politician/royal family member/wanted criminal, to the point where everyone believes he IS that person and wacky hijinks ensue. There's no logical reason that the RED and BLUE soldier would both have the last name "Doe" or that there would be more than one being like Pyro in the world. The way I see it, there doesn't have to be a logical reason. Not in the TF2 universe, where Australians mail away for piss-based fighting manuals and you can blow up Fred Astaire with a rocket launcher for $35.

>>13143

See, this is what I used to sort of think too--that the BLU team were clones of the RED team, but I dunno, because we don't know so much about the background of the two companies or the Administrator that it makes it hard to come to a real conclusion.

http://www.teamfortress.com/pyromania/thepoopyjoefiles/04.html

That's probably the best explanation of why BLU and RED look and act so much like each other that we're gonna get. I think I like it better with little information, though, because then fans are free to write/draw/think whatever they want. I now favor the idea of the two groups being basically the same, but with different little characteristics that makes one team get along better than the other team or something silly like that.

What if both teams are clones of a third group of guys, ones who aren't necessarily with either RED or BLU?

>>13144
This is my take on it, too.

As Miss Pauling said when talking about robots that run on money, "for reasons I can't comprehend or explain." It's the TF2 Universe, weird shit just happens, because why not?

>>13138

I really, really like this idea. It would make one hell of a horror/creepy pasta type fic.

Okay. Terrible MvM headcanon time.

I had an idea that the Engineer didn't originally build the robots for Grey Mann, but instead designed them to be totally fabulous dancing/acrobat robots that would be really fun to play around with so that the Engineer could make totally awesome robot dance troupes/circuses and put them all over Europe and New Orleans. When he told the rest of his team about his wonderful idea, everyone was like 'no that's a terrible idea you suck' and so his dreams of a world-famous robot circus/dance troupe were ruined and, being the frustrated scientist he is, he threw his plans away and destroyed all the prototypes that he had.

Grey Mann found the plans flying around on the desert wind (because the Soldier is a very sloppy hobo who doesn't put his trashcan lids on properly) and was like 'hey, if I get rid of the terrible dancing programming I can use this shit' and built a robot army.

You can imagine that the Engineer was kind of pissed when he found out that his lovely dancing troupe had been turned into mindless slaves hellbent on destroying everything associated with Mann Co.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the stupidest headcanon on this entire thread.

>>13140
If mentioned to any of the mercenaries that they looked like their counterpart on the other team, they’d be mortally offended. Honestly, just because they're both black Scottish cyclopes, you'd just lump them together like that? They're individuals as different as night as day! Talk about ignorant! Huff!

The Demoman reloads his sticky launcher by pulling the handle on the side, which activates a tiny teleporter, which brings a bomb from the nearest ammo box/dispenser into the gun chamber, ready to fire.

Or maybe he's so stinkin' drunk he just thinks that's how it works

Pyro used to be a firefighter before joining TFIndustries (what other job lets you be around fire all the time?). Unfortunately, s/he killed fed lollipops to more people than s/he saved, and was subsequently fired. S/he did keep a fire axe lollipop as a memento.

The stories about the monster in the water at Teufort isn't entirely unfounded. The BLU Demo is the only one who knows the true story, along with knowing who the monster originally was. He doesn't like to talk about it, though, and when you do get him drunk enough to talk about it, he seems to almost cry. He and the monster were buddies, once, the monster being a BLU Medic who decided to experiment on himself instead of his team or RED (before the REDs became huge douchebags).

Engiebots do exist, but they choose to not join in battle. Not only do they run everything from the primary transport functions to bot building, but they find the human construct so complex and appealing, they simply can't destroy it.

All Spies eventually become Pyros, it's how some of them are so sneaky and know the best spots to ambush the enemy team.

I've made a relationship graph everyone can use for five minutes.
You can just draw the red or blud arrows so that you can express how mercs feel toward each of them in your headcanon.
If there's a red arrow from the one to another, then the one has a good feeling toward him.
If a blue one, the one feels awkward to the target.

>>13189
You can just focus on only few classes if you don't wanna draw all 72 lines.
It can be the base or ref when you are depicting the relationship or feelings in your fanfic or comic

I feel like this is Mann Co's motto.

>>13212
You know, Grunkle Stan's voice always reminds me of Soldier's. They have the same.... gruffness.

Oh God it's autosaged. Time to find out it age works.

Ehh I don't care if it's autosaged or not, I just feel like putting some more headcanons in anyway. FUCK DA POLICE

Engie has problems with women. Like, seriously debilitating problems. If he's married, he's got marriage problems with his wife (who is some kind of drop dead gorgeous lady that would make the Scout be like 'why the fuck did she marry him instead of me holy shit'), and if he's not, he possesses some sort of horrible animosity towards women that spawned (in some messed up way) from his mother killing herself in front of him when he was twelve.

Sniper and Demo also have some trouble with ladies, mostly because they're both insecure about themselves. (Sniper isn't so visibly insecure as the Demoman because he doesn't drink.) Sniper's insecurities originate from being the only boy (or person) at his high school/primary school to never grow a fabulous mustache or gain fifty pounds of muscle on his sixteenth birthday. He wasn't a popular fellow and got picked on. A lot.

Soldier's surprisingly good with the ladies when he isn't punching them in the boob for some stupid reason or another. So is the Medic, but he is really more interested in the physical aspect of the opposite sex than anything else (and by physical I mean 'my madame what a nice set of lungs you have they are lovely what no don't run away i promise it won't hurt much!')

The Heavy is actually quite sociable around women, considering that he grew up with his mother and sisters, but none of them really compare to Sasha, who will always be his favorite and only lady.

Spy don't give a fuck. He walks into a room and people's pants (and skirts) just disappear. There's a theory that there is some dimension where discarded clothing is just piling up until it reaches a critical mass and rips the very fabric of time and space apart.

Scout gets pussy every night because he found a box of kittens on his doorstep and takes care of them and lets them sleep on his bed.

Pyro was once in a polyamorous relationship with a frying pan, his axe, and a ball of string.

Some post on tumblr labeled BLU Engie a traitor and claimed that he was the one who built the robots seen in Mann vs. Machine.

So I'm curious: any thoughts or headcanons on this? Really both Engineers could be suspect given RED Engie is seen with beta robot heads in the Engineer Update Teaser, and BLU Engie discovered all of those Australium caches. Not only that but Radigan shows no qualms about working for either side.

To be honest I'd love to see some sort of scenario play out where a Spy discovers that an Engineer (or both) is behind the robots and tries to expose him, only to be ignored because he's Spy after all. I dunno I just like the irony of the (normally) backstabbing liar telling the truth and with Good Ole Boy Engineer as a villain.

Jesus why are we writing on a saged thread we should just make a new one but whatever.

>>13248

See, I don't really see the BLU Engineer as a traitor, or an intentional one, at least. I mean, it is definitely possible (and would make a really cool story line) but what reason would the Engineer have to defect to Grey Mann's side? He's got a good job, he's got money, he's got all the tools and parts he could build with.

I just don't see a logical reason as to why the Engineer would defect and go against the Administrator, only to join up with a man that is most likely as scummy as she is. And if he did, he would have not only her after him, but his own team and RED team as well. (And, as a guy who fought with and against these men, he would know how obnoxiously badass they are). We can also assume that as soon as Grey had the blueprints for the robots, he'd probably off the BLU Engineer.

...So why would Engie defect?

(See, but if it does turn out to be a canon thing and Engie did defect, well isn't that just some drama waiting to happen maybe Grey has Australium or something who knows. Exciting stuff, guys.)

>>watching Ed Wood
>>he's terrible at a thing he's passionate about and goes after it with giddy enthusiasm
>>crossdresses and doesn't give a fuck what people think
>>fascinated by mad scientists and monsters and morbid things
>>writes a speech for Bela Lugosi about wanting to make monsters and being unable to go back to his homeland and wanting to make a superhuman race
>>tells a European bald hairy wrestler he's handsome

Reminds me eerily of Medic.

According to YouTube, Merasmus doesn't really have that dramatic magical voice, he's just speaking into one of those plastic echo microphones from the 90's. Also, he is the Monarch from The Venture Bros.

I'm okay with this.

i watched Léon, The Proffesional the other day.

theres a part where he says that the better the assasin, the closer he can get to his target and how you start at the sniper rifle and work your way down to the knife.

because of that i now believe that Spy is actually a better sniper than Sniper is