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File 134883348848.png - (110.60KB , 250x351 , 250px-Medic_taunt_laugh.png )
13199 No. 13199
I was checking out the new items, and I really loved both the looks and the description of the Distinguished Rogue. I started thinking about my favourite descriptions, and wondering about other people's.

So, what are your favourite item descriptions? Just the description, it doesn't matter if you like the hat/misc or not. Descriptions of physical items from the Valve Store are fine, too.

Here are mine. It wasn't easy to pick just a few, there are many more descriptions I love. But I figure that's the same for everybody, and if each of us starts listing half the TF2 inventory this will be a boring thread. Let's only list our absolutely very favourite ones.

-Distinguished Rogue. This coat does so much of the heavy lifting to make you look like a sophisticated man of espionage, you won't need to wear anything else at all. Watch those heads turn the next time you attend a fancy gala completely nude except for a coat. So jealous. How about that guy calling the police? Is HE jealous? Yeah he is.

No comment here. Just perfection.

-Ninja Cowl. If there's one thing that the ladies/men love, it's mystery. And what's more mysterious than covering your entire face with a Ninja Cowl? "Oh my, I can't see any of that man's face!" they'll exclaim. "He must have a terrible secret I will uncover with my love."

I love how this description both makes fun of trite romance tropes, and outright states that Spy has male admirers. I mean, sure, that's obvious, but how many FPSs would openly admit that?

-Stovepipe Sniper Shako. This hat is perfect for the sniper who likes to hide in the shadows, then run suddenly from those shadows to go lead a parade.

This one made me laugh harder than any others. It's like TF2 in a nutshell.

-Fed-Fightin' Fedora. This hat commemorates that time you stuck it on a broom and tricked the Feds into shooting at it for an hour while you scooted off with all that bank money. Goes great with all those bullet wounds in your torso from that time you pulled the same trick on much smarter Feds.

Subversion of classic gag. Love it.

-Gentleman's Ushanka. Made from genuine German rabbit fur, this military-grade trappers' hat makes the perfect complement to the Officer's Ushanka. Let the officer in your life know you'll always be right behind them, with a Medigun at the ready and a matching wardrobe.

Two words: Husband. Hat.

Ok, three words: Husband. Hat. AWWWWWWWW!
Expand all images
>> No. 13203
The Gentleman's Ushanka always makes me smile because Husband Hat. Also, the play on "An Officer and a Gentleman", which just makes me picture a TF2 version of the ending Heavy carrying Medic in his arms, and Medic stealing his hat.

I wish I knew SFM just so I could make it.
>> No. 13205
File 134888195812.png - (169.97KB , 616x240 , Empire_Total_War_-_Promotional_Image.png )
13205
Just... unf.

Kinda don't like the Sniper's Shako, but whatever. He gets too much attention from me anyway.
>> No. 13207
File 134888323882.png - (49.98KB , 250x499 , Screen shot 2012-09-28 at 9_46_41 PM.png )
13207
The Ballonicorn's discription.
>> No. 13208
>>13205
Dem bitches is classy.

(Okay I put my very favorites up sorry if this is too long)

Cross-Comm Crash Helmet- This purely cosmetic battlefield awareness accessory will fool everyone from the lowliest private to the mayor of the army into thinking you're probably in the army too.

I lose it at 'mayor of the army.' No wonder Soldier got rejected from every branch of the military.

War Pig- After complaints that obstructed vision was affecting his performance, Soldier slapped some goggles on a helmet and charged back into the fray. His performance did not improve, but on the upside, everyone has stopped expecting anything from him.

I love the description because god damn it it reenforces everything I think about the Soldier--he's a cuckoolander, but comes off a lot nuttier than he really is because he just does whatever the hell he wants. (And in all honesty he really isn't very bright so there you go.)

The Track Terrorizer - For a brief stint in high school, Scout joined the track team in one of his many schemes to pick up girls. He was kicked off the team after three days when everyone realized he was 23-years-old and also not enrolled in the school.

First I just liked this because it was funny and it gave the Scout an age. Then I loved it because everyone lost their shit thinking about the Scout trying to fulfill his biological duty as a creature that reproduces sexually. (This also applies to the Medi-mask thing. The description on that was hilarious as well, then got better when people lost their shit over a face mask's description.)

My all-time favorite item, though, doesn't have a description. It's the Madame Dixie hat for the Pyro and I love it without reason. (I usually end up calling it the Mrs. Nesbit hat though)
>> No. 13211
File 134894626143.png - (10.99KB , 235x222 , VRH.png )
13211
They've been getting steadily wordier and less funnier recently. Think whoever is writing them is going through a rough break-up too, given the number of times cheating and divorce proceedings have been coming up in them. I prefer snappier ones like this.
>> No. 13214
This isn't a description, but I'm really fond of the publicity blurb for the Big Kill.

>This might look like an ordinary revolver, until you realize that it helps a talking dog solve crimes. How many crimes has YOUR dog solved lately? And let's face it, his revolver kind of sucks too. Man, we want to talk about this gun more, but we can't get over how much your dog sucks.

Why this isn't the description for the item proper, I'll never know.
>> No. 13216
Medi-Mask - As a thought experiment, Medic has taken to wearing this mask, releasing innocuous gas into a room and screaming "Dear god- the poison tanker has burst!" to see what people will do. So far, the tests have been inconclusive. Although, a couple people have died. So that's interesting.

The Medi-Mask's description just cements Medic as the team prankster for me. I can easily see him causing needless stress to his teammates just for shits and giggles.

And we mustn't forget this gem:

Archimees - Before Archimedes came into the Medic's care, he made his living through wedding dovery. A lucrative trade, but he always felt something was missing. He looks back on the day that the Medic stole that catering van during the prime minister's wedding as the best day of his life. He's been burrowing into the chests of unwitting patients ever since.
>> No. 13217
>>13216
Apparently there were a lot of people upset about the description for the Medi-mask, and I don't know why. People dying for no apparent reason during completely harmless psychological experiments is hilarious. They should be laughing.

Boston Basher: On Hit: Bleed for 5 seconds. / On Miss: Hit yourself. Idiot.
Something about being offhandedly insulted by a video game delights me.

Vintage Merryweather: Pyro wears this in tribute to the many firefighters who have perished trying to quell his flames.
That’s so thoughtful.

The Samur-Eye: One-eyed Scottish drunk / Dons his helmet for battle / Blacks out, misses war
I like most of the haiku-style descriptions, but this is the one I can relate to the most.
>> No. 13218
>>13217
I don't know about other people, but I personally was upset because it sounded like Medic does the equivalent of shouting "fire" in a crowded theater, and civilians are killed in the resulting stampedes. That kind of humor is really not my thing.

Then a fellow poster pointed out that "people" is pretty vague, and for all we know Medic does that to his teammates and with respawn on. Looking at it in a "Medic is a prankster and plays tricks on his teammates" light, it's hilarious.
>> No. 13219
>>13218
Yeah, but human stampedes are pretty hilarious, too. Not if it's happening to you, obviously, but the fact that the most cultured species on Earth can't walk out of a building without brutally crushing one another to death... I might be Scandinavian. Time for some polio jokes.
>> No. 13222
>>13218
I like to imagine that Medic was a doctor during WWII, but he ended up killing more Nazis via malpractice than any soldier on the battlefield. I think any victim of Medic's probably had it coming.
>> No. 13223
>>13218
Hey, we don't know it was civilians that died as a result of Medic's pranks. Could have been his own teammates. And hey, respawn.
>> No. 13224
>>13223
Yes, that was the whole point of my second paragraph ^^. I've totally switched to the headcanon that Medic pranks his own respawn-able teammates (or, at worst, the Messangers; civilian deaths upset me, but I can't say that I give a damn about the guys who were going to assassinate Soldier and then threatened the Mercs' families).


Anyway, my comment was only meant as a short explanation for my personal reaction, since the previous poster had been wondering about the reason some people were upset. I am a bit concerned about starting actual discussions because I'm worried that people will end up fighting. Can we go back to the topic, please?

Here is another description I love:

<b>Demoman portrait poster</b>. <i>A lot of important people in the world have worn eye patches. James Joyce, Marie Colvin, that guy from Days of our Lives. There are so many people in fact that it might be worth making a Wall of One-Eyes in your apartment so you can keep track of them all. Let's start you off with Demoman, and then you can get that framed picture of Dangermouse you saw at the thrift store. This is important. We're counting on you. </i>
>> No. 13234
I almost forgot:

Pyrovision Goggles: Enter a world of imagination that's far superior to the crap-ass world of imagination you get from books.
>> No. 13275
Lucky Shot-Let's see you do that again, Private.

I can only read this in Soldier's voice and I keep thinking up a hilarious scenario for the line too.

The Stereoscopic Shades-If you close one eye, one of the teams will disappear. So don't do that.

I admit putting on a pair and closing one eye, just knowing I did that makes it x10 funnier.
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