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13316 No. 13316
i watched Léon, The Proffesional the other day.

theres a part where he says that the better the assasin, the closer he can get to his target and how you start at the sniper rifle and work your way down to the knife.

because of that i now believe that Spy is actually a better sniper than Sniper is
Expand all images
>> No. 13317
This is stuff I wrote for a BLU Spy I was playing over at an RP, but most of it is generic enough that it can be used as general Spy headcanon:
*His closet is full of clothes that he uses for infiltration: formal, casual, uniforms...
*He's sleeping with the RED Scout's mother for the view in her apartment.
*This was, more or less, how he asked: "Sup, I'm a BLU Spy. If you let me take pictures of the nice apartment across from yours I'll give you the most mindblowing sex you can ever imagine."
*Though all he knows of foreign languages are the kinds of basic vocabulary that you could find out of a phrase dictionary, he can imitate the general "sound" of most major non-English languages in a way that it sounds fairly convincing if you're not a native.
*He can imitate voices, accents, and verbal tics almost perfectly.
*He can pull off a fairly convincing crossdress. He goes all the way, too: wig, padding, tucking, shaved legs, the works.
*Most of his campy mannerisms are just to make people uncomfortable. He considers sex another tool in his arsenal; he takes much more pleasure in lying, manipulation, and being a troll in general.
*He treats his teammates depending on how they see themselves. If they're "baww I'm a big giant failure" then he's all supportive Team Dad. If they're "I'm the shit" then he's out to prove that they aren't.
*Since the "Meet the Spy" video, the BLU Soldier's been on pins and needles expecting some kind of payback. The Spy finds it much more amusing to watch the Soldier wait for the other shoe drop.
*He does, however, troll both BLU Soldier and RED Demo as each other.
*The first time he sapped a sentry, he totally jizzed in his pants.
*Those are HIS own custom-tailored silk suits (he made them himself with a super high end sewing machine) that he wears, not BLU-issued.
*When he uses his default knife, he carries extra ones hidden all over his person because it's crap and it breaks/malfunctions a lot.
*He's convinced the BLU Demoman that Spy Crabs and Tenta-Spies are actual creatures.
*Most of his "CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER" trappings are faked for the sake of his persona. He's not a snob for anything except foreign cigarettes, something that actually happened by pure accident--he'd gotten some in return for a favor once upon a time, and he fell in love with them at first smoke.
*He is surprisingly good at free-running despite his smoking habit.

Similarly, here is some RED Sniper headcanon:
* Still attends reunions for his high school and army unit.
* He sneaks out into the wilderness and eats off the land every so often.
* Doesn't keep pets often, but if/when he does, he prefers non-standard stuff: reptiles, spiders, saltwater creatures...
* He lists them all as "emergency food supply" so they'll be okayed by RED.
* He made Ol'Snaggletooth and Darwin's Danger Shield himself. His Dad was still disappointed because the Sniper hunted a male croc out of season, not a nesting female croc like a Real Ozzie Bloke would.
* Sniper!Mum isn't as demanding as Dad is (he's her baby after all), though of course she still does expect him to live up to Ozzie standards. And she wants grandkids.
* In TF2-verse, drop bears, bunyips, and jackaroos are all real animals. The Sniper's gone after them all, to varying degrees of success.
* His parents own a ranch that does fairly well for itself, but the Sniper still sends home money anyway (that Mom is just saving up in an account).
* Can identify edible plants and fungi at a glance.
* Is willing to try anything at least a few times, but has a fairly narrow range of foods he truly likes and won't get tired of eating. (Yes, Vegemite is one of those things.)
* Is a total gun nut. Collects guns, facts about guns, etc.
* Also tends to be a packrat due to his philosophy of being prepared for the worst. Keeps emergency stashes of supplies everywhere.
* In his travels if he sees a place he likes, he'll buy it, fix it up, and then rent it out, or give it the illusion of being occupied so he can use it as a safe house in case of whatever.
* In addition to his safe houses, he has quite a few alternate plans in case the Sniper thing doesn't pan out.
* Tends to be the most proactive of his teammates when it comes to chores and the organization thereof. (Prefers doing the laundry, but is willing to do everything else.)
* In battle, he won't camp unless it's a really good spot that nets him a lot of kills without having to worry about getting killed. Prefers non-traditional shooting lanes, and depending on the map type, will even be on or near the front lines.
* Is totally not the loner type. He hangs out with his teammates quite a bit after hours: will play catch with Scouts, assist Engineers in tinkering, take up prep duty for meals that need to be cooked, etc.
* This should really be obvious, but he's not really that much saner than his teammates. It's just that being surrounded by the likes of those nutters means he can pretend to have things together. (When he thinks he's alone, he's much nastier.)
* Ironically, his sense of direction is pretty terrible; he can deduce the cardinal directions from local cues and all, but he relies very heavily on maps (or the good old method of "going in one direction until you reach a dead end, then retrace your steps") for his pathfinding.
* He's not assigned to any one group of people for long, as he's always being called to assist other RED teams, so he's seen the gamut of play levels and styles, from the super serious pros to the hat-obsessed newbies.
>> No. 13318
Yeah okay new thread. I'm gonna copy pasta my latest headcanons here because I posted them on the saged thread like a dumbass. So have what I think about the fellows and their ability to handle the opposite sex.

Engie has problems with women. Like, seriously debilitating problems. If he's married, he's got marriage problems with his wife (who is some kind of drop dead gorgeous lady that would make the Scout be like 'why the fuck did she marry him instead of me holy shit'), and if he's not, he possesses some sort of horrible animosity towards women that spawned (in some messed up way) from his mother killing herself in front of him when he was twelve (which leads into another Engie headcanon all together that is kinda dark but whatever).

Sniper and Demo also have some trouble with ladies, mostly because they're both insecure about themselves. (Sniper isn't so visibly insecure as the Demoman because he doesn't drink.) Sniper's insecurities originate from being the only boy (or person) at his high school/primary school to never grow a fabulous mustache or gain fifty pounds of muscle on his sixteenth birthday. He wasn't a popular fellow and got picked on. A lot.

Soldier's surprisingly good with the ladies when he isn't punching them in the boob for some stupid reason or another. So is the Medic, but he is really more interested in the physical aspect of the opposite sex than anything else (and by physical I mean 'my madame what a nice set of lungs you have they are lovely what no don't run away i promise it won't hurt much!')

The Heavy is actually quite sociable around women, considering that he grew up with his mother and sisters, but none of them really compare to Sasha, who will always be his favorite and only lady.

Spy don't give a fuck. He walks into a room and people's pants (and skirts) just disappear. There's a theory that there is some dimension where discarded clothing is just piling up until it reaches a critical mass and rips the very fabric of time and space apart.

Scout gets pussy every night because he found a box of kittens on his doorstep and takes care of them and lets them sleep on his bed.

Pyro was once in a polyamorous relationship with a frying pan, his axe, and a ball of string.
>> No. 13320
When Soldier was a boy, he dreamed of being a hairstylist. When it turned out he wasn’t capable of doing anything more complicated than a buzz cut, rather than giving up on his lifelong passion, he decided to put his only hairdressing skill to use by becoming a military fanatic.
>> No. 13321
>Scout gets pussy every night because he found a box of kittens on his doorstep and takes care of them and lets them sleep on his bed.

Scout snuggling with kittens! I can't handle all of this d'awwwwww!
>> No. 13323
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13323
Sexuality headcanons, anyone?
>> No. 13324
Here's some of my sexuality headcanons. I know not all of them match up with popular opinion, but here goes:

Sniper- Could probably go for either sex, but prefers to be alone. Has the potential to be in a relationship, but one night stands or on again/off again relationships fit his lifestyle better. Travels around a lot and sometimes smells like lack of shower, urine, and many cigarettes. This doesn't help.

Soldier- Mostly men, but has had weird homoerotic feelings for Demoman and Merasmus. Could not be in a relationship for very long due to his paranoia and utter devotion to America firsthand, everyone else second. Also very messy, home looks like a warzone (anyone else notice he lived in an apartment before Merasmus, and this was never brought up again?)

Demo- More into ladies, claims he's only into men when drunk (but that's not how it works, Tavish)

Spy- Bisexual, prefers women, would only settle down with a woman due to societal pressures. Perhaps he has too much of a professional attitude to date a co-worker, or something. Strictly business.

Engineer- Most likely straight, but foregoes sex sometimes to work on his machines. Would probably shrug off a teammate's homosexuality as a man's own business, none of his own.

Pyro- Too innocent, naive, and unwilling to take off the suit to give a damn about sex. I once imagined Pyro snuggling platonically with Engie, and Engie still wasn't able to discern what was under the suit. Then realized he didn't care.

Scout- Will eventually lose his virginity at some point, because he has to mature somewhat eventually. Either totally heterosexual or totally trying to convince himself he doesn't have a very, very faint interest in men.

Heavy- Liked women at some point, has a deep respect and chivalry for them, but meeting Medic made him accept that he had always liked men as well, and has no eyes for anyone else right now. Skeptical of being experimented on, but goes along with whatever Medic wants, to an extent.

Medic- Most likely gay or bisexual with a preference towards men, can get off on platonic experimentation as easily as sex. Not as reckless with sex as he is with surgery. More lovey-dovey than you'd expect.
>> No. 13325
Scout - Self identifies as 100% straight, but a lot more worldly than people give him credit for. Lost his virginity to a "super hot" (read: average) substitute teacher and has fooled around with dudes just to see what it was like. Has interesting ideas as to what does and doesn't count as sex.
Soldier - Married to AMERICA. And to the entire rest of the team by a series of bizarre and improbable coincidences as well as, of course, to Tavish (they're "separated", but he hasn't the heart to get a divorce or have the marriage annulled). And also to Merasmus, but he's dead now so that no longer counts, right? Answers questions about sex with extended mixed metaphors.
Pyro - Answers all gender questions on forms with drawings of potatoes, preferences unknown.
Demoman - He's drunk, you don't have an excuse. Self identifies as black Scottish cyclops.
Heavy - Loves his guns. And also has a huge mancrush on Doktor. Sandvich is his wingman.
Engineer - Self identifies as straight with exceptions, and has experimented quite a bit. Forbidden by the State to own any farm animals.
Medic - Science-sexual. Not inclined to perform sex acts of any kind, but he likes to watch.
Sniper - Self-identifies as straight with exceptions, and pretty much falls head over heels in love with anybody who gives him any sort of attention.
Spy - As mentioned in my earlier headcanon, he's more interested in the chase and playing the game than sex itself, though of course he won't say no to anybody. Self-identifies as "European".
>> No. 13326
Heavy has decided that when the fighting is over he is going to take Medic back to Russia with him and set him up with one of his sisterswho are all pretty much rule63 heavy

until now, no other man has been worthy of such an honor
>> No. 13327
>>13326
Someone needs to write this.
>> No. 13328
>>13327
>>13326
I can't remember what the hell it was, but there was some series or movie that ended with the two commonly-mistaken-for-gay male protagonists marrying Rule 63 versions of the other one.
>> No. 13330
Scout - Totally straight, you guys. Tits are wicked awesome. Seriously, though, like Anon up there figures, I too figure he's straight, and if he has any urges for men, he tries hard to suppress them with excess bravado. You'd have to get him in an altered state, or be very close to him and work hard to break down those barriers.

Soldier - Maintains that he's straight, but clearly had his heart broken by Tavish during the WAR. I imagine he wants to patch things up now that things have cooled down and grievances have been aired, but he's freaking stubborn.

Pyro - Doesn't really care about those kinds of things. A little too innocent, or at least naive, and is just happy to have friends. Sees Engie like an awesome big brother.

Demoman - Will tell you he's into women, but it doesn't take much of the scrumpy for him to come clean about his terrible breakup with Jane, and how much he misses him. He likes men, but it always seems to end in hearbreak.

Heavy - A big romantic, and a bisexual. He prefers men, however. Women are too small, and he is afraid to hurt them. He loves his doctor, who is the first person he's ever met who's wanted to protect him. A snuggler.

Engineer - Damn friendly. Looks at Pyro like a little brother or a son, but worries about his mental state. Won't talk much about his inclinations, because that's a man's own business, but will admit to some collegiate experimentation. Not averse to experimenting further, if you get what I mean, Sniper.

Medic - Not as freaky as he comes off. He likes medicine for science's sake, but he's not turned on by it. Homosexual, but was married. Is married. They never officially divorced, due to Medic wanting a cover story, and his wife not wanting to deal with divorce. Medic loves his Heavy dearly, and wants to keep him safe, even as he sees him as a source of great comfort.

Sniper - Kind of a loner, so he's not so amazing with such things, but likes companionship when he has it. Bisexual, but is rarely the one to make the first move.

Spy - I like others' headcanon of him using sex as a tool and enjoying the chase. Pansexual, but not interested in love. Save for RED Spy, who has found it in his Petit Chou-Fleur.
>> No. 13336
(Captcha: Braganza. A bra orgasm bonanza?)

Personally, I've kind of always seen Spy as being 100% straight. He's not homphobic, but just can't fathom any reason why a man would want another man.

Pyrovision only works in violent situations, like warzones, and everything outside of that is normal.

The Pyro is from a race of aliens that are excactly like humans, except that their "masks" are actually thick, fire retardant flaps of skin with two holes over the eyes. Pyro wedges round pieces of glass in the holes as a fashion statement.

Miss Pauling is the Admin's daughter. (I know it's dumb, bit that one won't leave me alone)

The Admin has a immortality/life prolonging machine too. Since she has partial control over SpyTech, she stole Radigan's plans and built her own.

Pyro was never hired by RED or BLU. He just wandered onto the field one day, killed half of one team, and swaggered off. (He came back when the Demoman tempted him with a lighter flame).
>> No. 13342
Why not?

Scout: Painfully heterosexual. Frequently rebuffed by women, however, so he overcompensates. This in turn causes him to be rebuffed again, leading into a spiral of narcissism and paranoia. If he does end up with someone, she will probably be gorgeous, brash and constantly nailing his ass to the wall for being a braggart and a slacker. In many ways, she will be like his mother...

Soldier: Two of his favorite pastimes are getting wasted and laying people. (He does not get laid! HE does the LAYING!) However, he has a high level of energy and compassion for his teammates. His over-zealous emotions could be mistaken for homosexuality, given how he’s one to be very physical with expressing himself. Basically? If he’d stop slapping dudes and squeezing the hell out of them after victories, there would be no question.

If he is married, he's probably in a relationship with a June Cleaver-esque woman. She’s very much into the 1950s homemaker scene. Don't confuse her old-fashioned lifestyle as a sign of her simplicity. She's capable of holding her own in any debate and is more than ready to do heavy lifting. She just perfers to clean and bake cookies.

Pyro: I don't think the Pyro thinks about sexuality. The Pyro just goes off and interacts with whatever is pretty. That may lead to trouble...

Demoman: Heterosexual, but it would not surprise me that he had a few black-out incidents. Does not seem like the kind of man that would have enough confidence to ever sustain a relationship. If he is lucky enough to find a partner, she would constantly be riding his ass to man up and get into shape. It would probably irritate the hell out of him, but she would make him into a stronger man—even by brute force. She’d also have to be pretty courageous living in a house full of explosives.

Heavy: He has to go slowly in any act he does—he’s not the kind of man that can afford to be klutzy, especially with his strength. More often than not, he lets his partner take care of talking. Tends to end up with very enthusiastic, lively people to compensate with his slower, more deliberate personality. He probably prefers perfectionists, as he is a bit of a perfectionist with the care of his weaponry. Given his educational background, he would also pair well with another well-read individual. So, he would most likely be with professionals. Artists, authors, musicians, scientists, doctors—hey, wait a minute…

Engineer: The Engineer’s passion for his work often possesses his mind. He gets too focused on building and creating and doesn’t lift his head. About the only way he’d fall in love with anyone would be if he worked with them and fostered affection through mutual actions. Not that he would like acknowledging that fact, however. He views himself as a pragmatic, but can be wooed and often feels great passion towards others, especially if he is responsible for their well being. He would match best with a partner that has a decent amount of intelligence and modesty, however.

Medic: He enjoys looking at everyone naked. He gets a little handsy, though. It’s in his nature—he always wants to poke and prod at everything. Not sure if that makes him bisexual or homosexual, however. I’d have to see if the Demoman’s drunken rambling about some woman was correct. Then, I could gauge him more accurately. He would need a very patient partner to temper him.

Sniper: Dude was hopping around deserts and jungles for the better part of twenty years. He’s probably a “do-it-yourself” kind of guy, or maybe just takes what he can get. He probably gets spooked if people start hitting on him, as he’s been out of the circle too long and misses social cues. He’s also self-conscious about his body, as he’s not the standard strapping Australian man. A slow approach would probably win him over. So, he’d go along whatever makes him comfortable.

Spy: Sexuality isn’t an issue for the Spy in the standard sense. He’s capable of doing whomever he must to get his target. However, separating him from his on-the-clock routines may be difficult. He likely struggles with how genuine his own emotions are, as his performances are more numerous than his true relationships. The more fragile partners that he has tend to die in horrific ways as a result of his occupation. Probably heterosexual, but can do whatever for his job.
>> No. 13345
>>13342
The only nitpick I have with this is that I don't think alcohol can encourage someone to have homosexual tendencies unless they're already there, however deep-seated, just like I don't think any amount of drugs can make a totally uncreative person a master artist or musician.

If Heavy does better with artists, then I'd have a chance then. I like this, heheheh.
>> No. 13350
The Snipers and Spies on the respective teams respect each others' professional skills, but due to professionalism keep all conversation brief and limited to work, even between same-faction Snipers and Spies. There's no romance or sex because getting close to each other would take the mystery out of it, they'd become too familiar for the hunt to be fun anymore. Any personal information learned is just filed away in case blackmail is needed (which it never is, but someday perhaps).
>> No. 13355
Bandwagon ho.

Scout is totally a tits man, but also desperately horny. If an anthropomorphic hagfish slithered out of the toilet and offered to touch his dick, he’d go for it.

Pyro doesn’t dare hope.

Spy is heterosexual, but sex isn’t usually what he’s after. He doesn’t often take the time to figure out just what he wants before he goes after it.

Tentaspy fantasises about whoever last came through his sewer.

RED Sniper possesses some undisclosed sexual predilection over which he carries a great deal of guilt. Sometimes cries after he wanks. His lack of self-respect predisposes him to find abusive relationships.

BLU Sniper has a sense of humour, so his undisclosed sexual predilection doesn’t bother him in the least.

Heavy’s mental binary does not go “men” and “women.” It goes “big strong” and “tiny baby.” He’s experimented with tiny baby people, but for a lasting relationship, it’s got to be a big strong person—he’s a doting lover, but he’d rather be wanted than needed.
People think he’s a ladykiller because he’s got so many female friends. He’s got lots of female friends because lots of females friendzone him. That suits Heavy just fine, because long, lonely nights are the best nights for reading.

Medic had a couple of sexual thoughts when he was twelve or so, then went back to his studies. Puts interpersonal relationships in the same category as household chores and paperwork.

RED Soldier has absolutely no concept of personal preference. It is his duty as the commander of this squadron to keep his men’s morale in top shape, and most of them need laid.
Claims to have an “Engineer Fetish,” because God forbid he has special feelings.

BLU Soldier doesn’t know what sex is because nobody told him about the birds and the bees and you have to explain these sorts of things to him because he won’t figure it out on his own. He panics when he gets an erection.

Demoman is drunk and flirtatious, and prone to falling in love with whomever he happens to be fucking. So, basically: The Janitor and people’s grandmums.

Engineer is a healthy, well-balanced bisexual. But people keep saying things about him and his sentries, and it’s getting to his head.
>> No. 13406
Demoman can play the bagpipes

most people discover this at 4AM the morning after they pissed him off
>> No. 13408
>>13323

Very well. I pretty much keep mine as consistent as I can for all my fics, but here goes:

Scout: Straight, and desperate. Will hit on just about any remotely attractive female he comes across. Might have a thing for MILFs, which totally isn't an expression of an Oedipus complex or nothin' you guys. If not a virgin, probably only got lucky once or twice and left the girl feeling unsatisfied.

Soldier: His sexuality is so screwed up that he's not even sure what to make of it. He's slept with women but found it unsatisfying, and he's terrified of being gay. He's not really good with relationships. Possibly more drawn to physical strength rather than conventional attractiveness. Screws his shovel. Lots of baggage and hangups. Generally prefers violence to sex anyway.

Pyro: Pretty much asexual. Pyro is not a sexual person at all and their knowledge of it is sparse. Because of their child-like mentality they see it as some sort of grown-up thing that doesn't even cause any urges in them anyway. Would probably still like to get in a romantic relationship anyway, but far too shy to ever initiate one.

Demoman: Straight. Demoman is actually a huge sappy romantic kind of guy, and he tends to be the type of guy who falls for one person and falls hard, pulling out all the stops with love letters, flowers, sonnets, what have you. When a relationship ends, he tends to fall into a deep depression for weeks or even months. He has a bit of a preference for older women. Deeply in love with Medic's wife.

Heavy: Bisexual, but leans more strongly towards men. Heavy has a bit of a thing for brainy, professorial types, which might explain why he went for Medic. He values a partner who he feels is at least an intellectual equal with him. He's also pretty flexible in his relationships, and can be more dominate or submissive depending on the person. Since he's been with Medic, he usually allows Medic to take charge, as he doesn't mind submitting to him, but should the need arise, he's fully capable of taking charge. He just doesn't feel like it.

Engineer: Straight and married. Engie admittedly gets flustered around women, becoming very self-conscious and nervous, desperate to make a good impression. He probably would be alone and loveless if he had not met his wife, who manages to compliment him fairly well. He's the only member of the team in a happy marriage. Has a daughter. Tends to be rather bashful about sexual matters, but all that disappears around his wife. Doesn't wear his wedding ring into battle because during one of the earliest fights he'd nearly lost it when he got blown up and it didn't respawn with him, and he spent about five hours after the battle looking for it.

Medic: Gay, but married. He married his wife as a cover during WWII and since then they've fallen out of being friends. For a period of time he tried to cure himself of his homosexuality, which didn't work, and left her irritated over his self-pitying theatrics. She went off to sleep with plenty of other men behind his back and Medic eventually stopped caring until he met Heavy. He and his wife are both aware that they're cheating on each other at this point, though it's done little to help the tension between them. Medic tends to favor big, strong, hairy and muscular men, and Heavy hit just about every criteria for what he finds attractive in a man. Likes to maintain control in his relationships. Something of a "power bottom."

Sniper: Straight, pretty much. Sniper hasn't had much experience with long-term relationships, as it's hard for him to keep them up at all. It's hard enough for him to even have one-time sexual encounters, really. He was married once, briefly, but was soon divorced after. Prefers not to talk about it much. Has a bit of a thing for younger women and hippie types. While he is straight, he has admitted after drinking a few beers that were Saxton Hale to approach him with a sexual proposition he would gladly drop trou and bend over on the spot. He is adamant, however, that Saxton is the only exception.

Spy: Bisexual and promiscuous. Others might chalk this up to him just being French, but Spy sees it as both a part of the job and him being more enlightened about sex than his teammates. In his mind, sexuality is pretty much a choice and he's chosen to favor both sexes because he's just more open-minded. Doesn't make much of an effort to hide it, but also doesn't brag about it openly. Tends to juggle multiple affairs at once, but doesn't usually develop any real attachments to who he sleeps with, usually only doing so for information or tactical advantages. The only person he can say that he's really had any real romantic feelings towards is Scout's mother. She's quite away of how he operates but she still loves him anyway, but Spy feels that if he were to marry her that she might be put in danger or he might be forced to compromise his job. Has been treated for venereal disease by Medic far more often than he'd ever admit.
>> No. 13410
>>13408
I'm glad Saxton was confirmed not to be Sniper's dad, because I don't know if I could ship it if he was.

I had some alternate ideas for Medic's wife:

a) She's just a random German woman who lives in the area, no relation to Medic. Just because I think it'd be hilarious for Demo to brag about it to Medic and the look on Demo's face when he realizes his plan to piss Medic off has backfired.
b) It's just a standard "your mom" joke, he's never been married. Just because Spy could back it up doesn't mean everyone can.
c) It's a purely platonic relationship-- everyone thinks they're married, but there's zero actually going on. I think I just like the idea of Medic having a woman who helps him out in the lab and chats with him but there's no romance or sex.
>> No. 13413
My headcanon is that Medic and Mrs. Medic are swingers who bring their flings home for sexy three- and four-somes, but Demo's too drunk to remember the details.
>> No. 13417
Medic doesn’t even know he has a wife. He just thinks he has a really affectionate roommate who sometimes screams and throws things at him. And also some roommates that are three and four years old. They’re still not the weirdest people he’s ever shacked up with.
>> No. 13428
I once read "If you want to find out a lot about a person in a short amount of time, randomly spit a whole carton of milk all over them."

So how do you all think each class would react to that?
>> No. 13429
>>13428
Sounds like something the Scout would do with his mad milk,
alternatively,
If you want to find out a lot about a person in a short amount of time, randomly spill a whole jar of piss all over them
>> No. 13440
Someone asked me recently if, with all the craziness in the TF2 universe, mpreg isn't in fact possible.

...I'm honestly not sure.
>> No. 13441
>>13440

The important question is not “can it happen,” but “should it happen.”
The answer, I would argue is no, no, God, please, no.
>> No. 13442
>>13440

Considering that Redmond and Blutarch's plan to continue the family line was for one of them to have the other's baby, I'd say, yeah, it's canon.

/shudders
>> No. 13443
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13443
I think the question is, were Redmond and Blutarch morons, or is it biologically possible in their world? Ditto with Soldier's "history"-- what actually happened, and what was he just making up out of his ass? I think there's a lot that's unclear about those two, and considering their deaths are still to come in the storyline, I hope they get fleshed out a bit.
>> No. 13444
>>13440

I dunno. I always thought that they were going to force one of their scientist saps the Engineers to build them one or something. Basically, m-preg has the potential to exist, but it doesn't yet (and never will thanks to Gray Mann praise the lord). That's what I got out of the comic.
>> No. 13453
>>13444

I agree; considering magic is canon (Merasmus can't be the only wizard).

Back on the headcanon path:

The Admin's real name is Helen MacLane (hey, it's Valve. It could happen!).

The RED Engineer is the only one who knows about Pyrovision.
>> No. 13462
Every time Scout ties, he spends his time in Respawn trapped in always_koth_b3 (the robot unicorn map)
>> No. 13463
*dies, even.
>> No. 13465
The RED engineer's first name is Mac.
>> No. 13470
The names, mannerisms (with slight alterations), and backstories for both the RED and BLU mercs of each class are identical. They're not twins or cousins or clones, they're two completely unrelated groups of nine people who happen to look and act eerily alike. It's meant to be a parody of how there's so many people who look identical in video games.
>> No. 13479
>>13470
I've a similar headcanon, Anon. Instead in my headcanon, the teams are identical because the Mann brothers think that if the other team has a Russian Heavy Weapons Guy, than they too must have a Russian Heavy Weapons Guy and so on.
>> No. 13522
Sniper is disgruntled towards Medic because he pilfered Sniper's coffee pots without asking for two different Medigun containers. He appreciates the healing, but wishes he'd at least let him know first.

>>13479
That'd make total sense, considering how they typically act.
>> No. 13569
RED and BLU make a habit of hiring not only effective fighters, but also social outcasts. The further outcast the better. Not just loud delinquents, or communism-hating Russians, or skeleton and van-stealing doctors, or black Scottish cyclopes.

They want the QUEERS. The Administrator assures Redmond and Blutarch it's because society will miss them less (sad behaviour of the times), and there'll be fewer people in contact with the men. They'll be less likely to sneak off base without furlough or to sneak people (women) on base.

Whether this reasoning is sound, or just the Administrator's excuse to have some amusement as she does her surveillance, is unknown.

Pauling thinks it's hilarious, though.
>> No. 13571
What's that, more headcanons?

Sexually:
Scout- Totally straight and will punch you in the face for even hinting at buttsex with him. In the case of prison gay, he'd probably go for whoever he sees more submissive and girl-like. You best believe he'll spout insults and jeers the entire time.
Sniper- Gives no fucks, just looking for someone to fuck into the wall or floor or whatever.He's into some slight bondage, but that's about it. Usually just wanks it alone in his nest though.
Soldier- His sexuality is Shovel and anything in a helmet. Scout refused to wear his Batter's Helm because of this.
Spy- Bisexual, but prefers women. Makes it a point to harass Scout with little touches and invisible whispers in the boy's ear.
Demo- He's too drunk to remember usually. When he isn't, up for just about anything.
Engineer- The kinkiest motherfucker of them all, Engie could go any which way. Had a wife at some point, but after she left him (he spent a lot of time tinkering with machines), he's turned more towards one night stands with men, but he still enjoys a nice hard fuck with a woman.
Medic- Bisexual, leaning more towards women. The only men on his team he's be willing to touch is Sniper or Engineer.
Heavy- Bisexual, leaning towards men. Prefers big women, and burly men.
Pyro- Who the fuck knows. He never leaves her suit, but they have been seen rubbing themselves in their suit, and once o twice Demo rubbing lube all over the Pyro's suit frotting him.

General:
Sniper howls at the moon sometimes, and feels more at home in thick forests or jungles. One of his fantasies is to 'get lost' in the woods sometime and rough it out, building his own shelter and hunting /foraging for his own food. And he can 'talk' to squirrels. He also dreams someday, when 'lost', to make some clothes that include feathers and beads, since he believes he has a touch of aborigines in him.

Pyro vision inspired them to create Candyland. He's also a huge softie, playing with kittens and chickens during his free time. Could be a sentient sack of potatoes (anyone else remember the story of the two pyros 'mating' under the moonlight at Harvest?), but just an all around friendly guy with a fascination for fire.

Engineer is, like said above, a kinky son of a bitch. With anyone he is with, he strives to dominate them and command them. Soldier fucking loves it, and keeps coming back for more. Engineer also likes to ride his sentry like a bucking bronco, the second reason for inventing the Wrangler.

Maybe more later.
>> No. 13572
Engineer made Pyrovision.

If Pyro is a woman, she's Engie's wife.

Pyro made Teddy Roosebelt for Engie while too sick to fight one day, having nothing to do back at base.
>> No. 13573
>>13571
Similar headcanon, only Heavy's more into women, Medic's more into men, and they're only interested in each other. Heavy likes his men much smaller and less muscular, because it's an interesting contrast when a man he's twice as large as can bark him into submission. But that's probably my contrast/Bottom!Heavy fetish talking.
>> No. 13574
>>13572
I have incredibly adorable images in my head now.
>> No. 13575
>>13569
Similar, but different:
The Administrator intentionally hires sexually compatible Heavies and Medics, because she read in a book somewhere that love makes people more protective of one another.

Miss Pauling is in charge of the matchmaking. She reads slashy Star Trek fanfiction, therefore is an expert in the field of homosexual love.

Every now and then, a Heavy and Medic become very good friends, which is absolutely unacceptable. In cases like these, the resident Frenchman is tasked with fanning the flames of passion between them. A Spy's contract must therefore by law include an additional clause guaranteeing compensation for any physical or emotional damages related to images of a naked, aroused Heavy.
>> No. 13578
Scout - though he isn't gay himself - has amazing gaydar.

Because that would be hilarious.
>> No. 13579
>>13572

I have a ton of Pyro headcanons, and although it's not my main one, her being the Engineer's wife is one of my favorites.

Often, though, I like to think of Pyrovision being the result some sort of drug (the goggles just being a game thing, not a canon universe thing). Especially a really, really messed up drug that has done a lot of damage on the Pyro's brain, even after it'd all be over. (Especially, especially if it's really addictive. Sometimes I like to think of an after-the-war Pyro who's messed up and on the streets, thirsting for a mystery drug)

What I was trying to say, though, haha, was that I like the headcanon that the Pyro was the Engineer's wife and was somehow baited into taking part in their drug experiments and it has permanently fucked her up and maybe the Engineer doesn't even know it's her.
>> No. 13580
The only reason I'm against the "Pyro is Engineer's wife" theory is that when Pyro was at Engineer's house, Pyro still had the mask on, and Engineer still called them Pyro. If they were sexually involved, or at least romantically involved, I feel like Pyro would trust Engineer enough to at least remove the mask and tell Engineer their real name. They could be in a very close platonic relationship, though-- higher than just friends, but not lovers, if that makes sense.
>> No. 13581
>>13580

You know, when I'd thought up Pyro being Engie's wife I didn't think about the Grordbort comic. You make a pretty good point, and that rules out the possibility for me. I'm still convinced all of Engie's 'cute' cosmetics have something to do with Pyro though.

Back on the topic of headcanon, here's something for all the classes, and some secondary characters.

Scout: Never shaves, always checks his mirror in the morning to see if anything's growing. Also loves Reggae, and tries to talk to Demoman about it constantly even though Demo has no idea what it is.

Soldier: Once beat seven germans to death with a sack of potatoes. Thinks Hiroshima was a broadway show for some reason and wants to see it to know why it 'bombed.'

Pyro: Cooks breakfast when the team has to stay overnight at a base. Always burns the eggs, but the bacon comes out perfect.

Demoman: Amazing with children, was the oldest at his orphanage and looked after the others a ton. Had his first beer when he was 12, one of the caretakers brought a bottle to work and passed out during the day.

Heavy: Plays Red Army Choir recordings, a lot. It drives Medic crazy. Cooks extra eggs for the team in the mornings.

Engineer: Loves the taste of burnt eggs. Once bonded with Soldier over their mutual love of Johnny Cash.

Medic: Jewish. Kept a small platoon of Nazis hostage in his house during the war. The Nazi party feared him the way petty criminals in Gotham fear Batman.

Sniper: Once got drunk and drove his camper van onto the battlefield, running over RED and BLU alike while chucking Jarate everywhere. Calls his parents every day.

Spy: BLU Spy has entertained sexual fantasies of all his teammates, and almost scored with an inebriated Demoman once. RED Spy knows this and thinks it's hilarious.

Helen/Administrator: Is the reason the Spies love slim cigarettes. Surprisingly patient personality, still evil as hell.

Miss Pauling: Has developed odd friendships with various members of RED and BLU. Somehow keeps it secret from the Administrator.

Saxton Hale: Made a hoverboard out of dead hippies. Bursts into flames occasionally. Loves steak.
>> No. 13582
I usually stray away from crossover theories, but I couldn't resist with this one: the TF2 and Psychonauts universes are connected somehow.

There's a similar aesthetic, a cartoony 70's spy feel, and Sasha Nein's father looks a lot like Barnabus Hale. Also, a few writers in common.
>> No. 13583
>>13582
And Pyro can be Boyd.

As for headcanons, Scout never learned to drive because everything he needed to get to where he grew up was within walking or running distance. The rest of his team doesn't know this and hilarity ensues if he's ever prompted to take the wheel of Engie's truck or Sniper's van for whatever reason. He's usually the first to ask to drive despite not knowing a thing about cars other than "gas pedal means go."
>> No. 13584
>>13580
Even though Pyro being anybody’s wife is not my headcanon, my Head Pyro is outraged by the suggestion that he should be required to take off his mask in order to be in an intimate relationship.

>>13581
“Thinks Hiroshima was a broadway show for some reason and wants to see it to know why it 'bombed.'”
I’m borrowing this.
>> No. 13585
>>13428

Has this not been answered yet? Damn!

Scout: He'd punch you once in the jaw. He's all talk but he's smart enough to know he doesn't want to start a fight over something as stupid as that, especially considering he chucks Mad Milk at everyone on the battlefield.

Soldier: Lots and lots of screaming. If you so much as say anything back he'll club you with a shovel until you respawn.

Pyro: Would shake it off like a dog. Might even give you a hug afterwards, just because.

Demoman: Would spit scrumpy all over you and call it even, laughing about the whole thing.

Heavy: Would stare you down to intimidate you into running away. Won't actually hit you though.

Engineer: Would wipe his goggles off, mutter something and forget about it.

Medic: Would pretend it's not a big deal at first, but your medical examinations would hurt a lot more for the next week.

Sniper: Sneer and tell you not to do it again.

Spy: Scream in agony and go into shellshock before realizing it's not Jarate.
>> No. 13586
>>13585
Sniper: Probably wouldn’t notice. You know how his situational awareness goes.
Soldier: Would remind you in his usual shouty way that spitting is for hippies and communists. Real men swallow.
Spy: If anybody was watching, he’d act distressed, fuss over his suit, and insult your clumsiness. If nobody was watching, he’d take a mouthful of his own milk and show you how an expert spit-takes.
Heavy: Eeen Soveeyet Rassia, Heavy apologises for your mistake. Unless you did it on purpose. Then he’d grab whatever limb was closest and snap it in half.
Medic: Will get The Look on his face, drag you to the fridge where the rest of the team’s milk is, and force you to participate in the One Gallon Challenge. Repeatedly. Until you die. If anybody tries to reproach him from cruelty, he’ll bat his eyelashes becomingly and claim that he was only playing your game.
Scout: Would chuck his own milk at the Medic, shouting at the top of his lungs, “Food Fight!”
Pyro: Would dump his own milk on himself, and then look expectantly to you as if to ask, “Did I help?”
Demoman: Would miss seeing who’d spat the milk, assume that it had attacked him all on its own, and start fighting everything in the room whilst screaming about demonic possession.
Engineer: If it’s an accident, he’ll laugh it off, and probably help you clean it up. If it isn’t an accident, he’ll probably let you off with a stern look. If it isn’t an accident and it’s The Last Straw, then two days from now you’re going to wake up strapped to a sawtable with somebody feeding your fingers through a sentry belt.
>> No. 13590
>>13580
For me, it was that comic that made me consider it! I mean we can tell that the Pyro is delusional and fairly messed up, so maybe she doesn't think she CAN take off her mask? Maybe she actually can't? Maybe something happened and she's ashamed of how she looks now and doesn't want to show it to her husband (like if she was once beautiful but now she... isn't haha).

I just love Pyro headcanons! Who is she? There's so much to think about and look into. I wouldn't call her being the Engineer's wife out of the question. What was she doing at his house, anyway? Why does the Engineer seem so chill at the idea of a space baby, which he seems to genuinely think it could be. And thinking the Pyro would be excited? This could all mean anything, maybe he was joking. Maybe he was poking at her, knowing she wouldn't be excited for such a thing.

(Her name, though, that's a little more tricky to work around. The end of the day fact is, though: of all the classes they can't use the Pyro's name! Especially not in a comic that wasn't ABOUT the Pyro, since that would then be the ultimate focus.)
>> No. 13591
>>13581
I am fairly sure that of all the headcanons in this thread, that Soldier-Hiroshima one is the most canon-like of them all.
>> No. 13596
This has been my headcanon ever since someone on the 'chan brought it up:

Pyro is a collective of hiveminded sentient potatoes. (They became so via magic, science, aliens, whatever. It doesn't matter.)

Also, I happen to think that "Meet the Pyro" is actually just what the rest of the RED team thinks Pyro's worldview is like--note how the "Magic" sequence starts as a zoom in on Spy's head as he speculates on Pyro's nature. The contrast between Pyroland and the real world reflects the own team's conflicting opinions--is Pyro a soulless abomination? Or a super happy fun guy who's just trying to help? Why not both? Heavy contributed the "entire team is babies" part; Scout is terrified of Rainbows, and everyone else gave the director a "the one time Pyro did some crazy shit and acted like it weren't a thing" story.
>> No. 13599
Demo/Tavish takes to drink because his natural state of being is past the state of sober and into knurd.

As Terry Pratchett said:
"The opposite of being drunk, its as sober as you can ever be. It strips away all the illusion, all the comforting pink fog in which people normally spend their lives, and lets them see and think clearly for the first time ever. Then, after they've screamed a bit, they make sure they never get knurd again."

Demo is one of the sanest, most clear-minded people in the TF2 universe. However it's so difficult to drink yourself sober from knurd that he goes too far and just gets drunk.
>> No. 13604
>>13586
>Pyro: Would dump his own milk on himself, and then look expectantly to you as if to ask, “Did I help?”

Part of me wants to say Pyro would probably torch you, the other (and bigger part) suddenly contracted Diabeetus and wants to believe.
>> No. 13618
A friend inquires:
"What if Heavy's body is filled entirely with chocolate mousse--like Pyro, but with mousse--and it's just coagulated in the shape of an olympic weightlifter?"
>> No. 13619
>>13618

... What's your friend on?

Because it sounds like some quality shit.
>> No. 13622
Goddammit since I had a dream last night where Medic sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables I have this headcanon that most of the money he gets from work goes toward an illegitimate child. And one day he and Heavy will leave and take the child back. I clearly am low on sleep.
>> No. 13633
>>13628
no
>> No. 13636
>>13628
Didn't think so.
>> No. 13666
The pyro's an illegal immigrant. They can't deport you if they can't see your ethnicity.
>> No. 13667
>>13580
>>13584
Fancy that, I'm exploring that in my fic right now - how far can a person go when they're only allowed to get so close, and all that jazz.

>>13596
Damn it, your headcanon on Meet the Pyro is now my headcanon. Can't see it any other way.
>> No. 13668
Soldier music headcanon time.

I think that the guy loves country, blues, and jazz, solely because those are all music styles that originated in America. He does have a secret love for rock and roll, too, but as soon as it went mainstream with the Beatles in the 1960s and all the hippies jumped on the bandwagon, well, he couldn't like it anymore. In fact, Soldier hates the Beatles with a passion not because they play rock and roll but because they ruined his hipster cred took the good sound out of the genre. American rock bands, though, he will tolerate, if, you know, someone happens to have a record and happens to be playing it and he's not humming along what are you talking about?

I can see him particularly taking an interest in artists like Steely Dan (later on, in the mid-70s) and because of their weird lyrics and half-jazz, half-rock sound.

The dude has more soul than any of the honkies on his team.
>> No. 13740
Every so often the Engineer intentionally builds his teleporter exists facing the wrong direction, just so that he can watch Soldier charge off the exit into a wall.
>> No. 13748
>>13740
I burst out laughing. I rarely do that. Feel special.

My humble offering:

Soldier is part of a knitting club.
He didn't intend to, it just sort of... happened. Despite all his badarsery, he has a soft spot for old ladies trying to cross the road (mostly because their slow pace pisses him off). After helping a particular old lady on a particular day, one thing led to another and he started helping out at their knitting club. And, of course, seeing how "wrong" they were casting on, he just had to train these ladies how a real man knits. And how to make a correct cup of tea.

All the ladies giggle and blush about how sweet he as he helps them and he doesn't have a clue.
>> No. 13750
>>13748
So I finally got around to reading Silent Pardner today, and I saw soldier mention his knitting club. Having read this post first and knowing that it's legit headcanon made me laugh that much harder.
>> No. 13751
has anyone ever played around with the idea of soldier being aware he's stupid and crazy?

I have this headcanon that soldier is aware (or starts to become aware) of the fact that somethings wrong with him but he doesn't really understand what it is or why. It hurts, regardless.

He's always wanted to fly, hence, rocket launching.

Soldier is forced to live with a shitty wizard roommate, because 1) he's terrible with money because he doesn't understand math and it's all he can afford 2) he actually gets lonely and likes having someone around. In fact, he's always preferred having a roommate.

He's a pretty lonely guy actually. He doesn't understand why people don't like him, however he very aware that they don't like him. Again, he knows he's different.

it wasn't until he met demo that he finally found someone he related to

he spent a lot of time as a little kid being terrified and confused and crazy but his parents found him so exhausting to deal with they literally just ignored it and it just got worse and worse and worse. That's partially why he's so crazy now. He would be a lot less crazy if they actually took care of him. It got to the point where his mom would sometimes leave him places "on accident". He always managed to find his way home though.

soldier has stupid pansy lovey dovey feelings for engie that he sometimes talks about with demo. Demo asked soldier about it first because one day he was just going on and on about how great engie is that it was really friggin obvious. He denied it at first though

soldier is an extremely passionate and dedicated man. He gives his all to everything and always tries his best. Sure building a sentry is extremely complicated, but god dammit this potato battery is a good start!

He's not homophobic, frankly he doesn't really care . In fact he thinks Heavy and medic are married. One time, they had a fight and he asked "are you guys gonna get a divorce?" He thinks they're a nice married couple that do mercenary work together.

he's bisexual, and both embarrassed and ashamed of the part of him that likes men. He spend his life just ignoring that part of him and focusing on ladies, and it worked, mostly. But then he had to go and fall in love with engie
>> No. 13752
>>13751
Oh man, the feels
>> No. 13754
I think I remember seeing this as someone else's headcanon, but I liked it enough to yoink it:

The Spies of both teams ship all of their teammates in all sorts of wacky configurations. They write pages upon pages of the most florid, purple-prose filled erotic fanfiction you can imagine in their little black books. Fortunately, nobody else on the team can read French.
>> No. 13755
Technically, this isn't my headcanon, but someone on another site offered the idea that Scout's name actually is Scout. It amused me.
>> No. 13785
>>13754
So do they... collaborate on these?
Either way, I am liking this, d'ohohoho
>> No. 13789
Engineer is a Mondrian fan, which is why the front of his overalls has a Mondrian pattern.
>> No. 13790
>>13789
As a graduated student of design, I feel ashamed I never made that connection.
>> No. 13808
anybody got helmet party headcanons?
>> No. 13868
>>13808
Soldier isn't the mad scientist type, but he's much more comfortable with Engie's tinkering than Medic's wonton flaying of organs. Of everyone, Soldier gets along best with Demo and Engie.

Engie's also the dom, while Solly's his whipping boy attimes.
>> No. 13899
>>13808
Yes'm.

When Soldier was a boy, he had a crush on Rosie the Riveter.

Soldier helps the Engineer to stage dangerous rescue missions for buildings that get left behind enemy lines.

Engineer’s failed sentry prototypes are currently guarding the trench that Soldier has been digging in Merasmus’ back yard. Engineer would have just scrapped them, but he understands how important it is to Soldier that everything gets to be useful, even if it’s flawed.

Soldier doesn’t have a problem with the fact that his sweetheart isn’t a woman. He does have a problem with the fact that his sweetheart isn’t FREEDOM, LIBERTY, AND WAR.

After a few too many hours watching Soldier roll around the floor with his kitten, giggling and tickling it and telling it how cute it is, Engineer has developed a deep, murderous resentment for his own cat.

Every night the Soldier rings up the Demoman to recount every single thing that Engineer said or did to him that day and explain why it means he’s well on his way to becoming Engineer’s “best friend forever.” Demoman used to listen carefully and try to give Soldier meaningful advice, but that was too much work so now he usually just sets the receiver down on the table and does his laundry.

Nobody is allowed to peek at Engineer’s blueprints without his permission, because if they do, they’ll see doodles of combat helmets and bare, heaving manchests all over his drafts.
>> No. 13969
Before 1999 year, all of the mercenaries except engineer and pyro die because soldier opened the crates in Robotic Boogaloo.
>> No. 13975
I dunno if we've had headcanons pertaining to this: merc's living quarters. Do they sleep altogether, have separate rooms, or is it different from base to base? Do they only stay at one base and just travel to the others for fights? What about their real homes?

I can imagine Scout living in an apartment before joining one of the teams. Even if the apartment is descent size, the ceilings are low to the point where Sniper and Heavy would probably need to duck under doorways or not stand to full height if they were invited over.
>> No. 13976
>>13975
I've always thought that they have 2 different states of living depending on how far out their base is and if they feel like partying and not driving home that night. One in or near the bases, one elsewhere. The Sniper's home away from work is his van, the Demoman's is his mansion, and so on. Before that one glordbort update I considered pyro to be the only one who didn't get a 2nd home, but now I guess he apparently sleeps at Engie's place.
>> No. 13977
>>13975
I say that because the bases appear in very different, presumably distant environments, and because Engineer can mysteriously only build one teleporter at a time, the teams will indeed have to stay at the bases when they’re not on furlough.

I always imagined really shoddy accommodations: Tiny rooms with no wall or floor coverings; spare furnishings; tiny, stiff little beds; you’re lucky if you get a window, unless your name is Soldier, which case no windows makes it feel like a real live bunker.
Medic’s bedroom is the restricted sextion I mean sex I mean the place in the infirmary with the locked door where normally all the dangerous drugs would be kept—and half of them still are there, just, you know. Inside Medic’s bloodstream.
Sniper sleeps in his van, of course, and his assigned bunk has been appropriated for Sasha’s use.
Engineer has a bunk in his workshop, but more often than not he’ll end up slumped over a half finished project. Most of his teammates tend to avoid going into his workshop late at night to avoid seeing him like that, and falling victim very unmanly desires to tuck him into bed and bring him his teddy—but not Soldier. He’s too stupid. Sometimes the mercs wake up to see him keeping guard outside of Engineer’s workshop, making sure that nobody wakes him before “oh-ten-o’clock-hours-a.m.”
Demoman sleeps arse over teakettle on the floor of the hallway. He's not as cute when he's passed out as Engineer is, so nobody ever tucks him into bed.

Sometimes if they’re stationed near a teammate’s real house, the whole pile of them will truck over for a slumber party. There will be pillow fights and manicures.
>> No. 13993
The blurb for Mecha-Archimedes mentions that Archimedes has his own comic book series. I propose the idea that Medic writes it himself, in an effort to make a little extra dosh on the side for his mad scientist endeavors (not that he needs extra money anymore, but at this point, he actually just enjoys doing it for the hell of it.

Dr. Nigel Burke of Surgeon Simulator is an admirer of Medic, provided Nigel isn't just a floating disembodied left hand.

PC Gamer suggested that the Surgeon Simulator DLC is a sequel to the Joe Danger crossover DLC. So Heavy did a motorcycle stunt all super-deformed, got hurt, and ended up needing surgery, or something.
>> No. 14028
Possibly my only Pyro headcanon is that they have some degree (heh) of kleptomania. Among many other things, what has been recognized as missing so far is Engie's other glove, one of Solly's boots, a birdcage from Medic, and a broken Gunslinger.
>> No. 14029
Yesterday I decided that Scout's mom named him 'Casey' after the poem 'Casey at the Bat' because goddamn that would be adorable.
>> No. 14045
I think I figured out why shipping is so difficult to pinpoint. Not just in TF2, but in general.

I believe everyone on the team cares about each other professionally at the bare minimum. "Lives are at stake here, I'm not a shitty enough human being that I lack any shred of empathy, we're friends." While I think it's a good chance that at least two people on the team are fucking, it makes me want to pull my hair out and scream when I see how serious business people get at trying to disprove every pairing that isn't their own. Do I have pairings I dislike or think are illogical? Oh hell yeah. But I keep my mouth shut, because people did the same to me and I fucking hated it and thought it was rude.
>> No. 14060
I can ship almost every class with their respective Femclass, with the exception of Scout/Femscout. Femscout to me is always Scout's half-sister on his dad's side, or something, and his dad never told him about her because she was born after Scoutma and Scoutdad divorced, or something.

Sometimes Femheavy is Heavy's cousin, too. I blame Makani for that headcanon.
>> No. 14108
Soldier is Kilroy.
>> No. 14126
In a rare night of drunken mateship, Soldier and Merasmus decide to get tattoos in honour of each other.

Mer awakens to a killer hangover, confusion about his bandaged arm, and a slow sinking feeling. Peeling the bandage back confirms this. Conjuring of a design more symbolic of his feelings towards his roomie commences.

Solly remembers the whole night. And sports a likeness of Merasmus' face on his left butt cheek.

Naturally, the charge for the two tattoos falls upon Merasmus' credit card.
>> No. 14166
I wanted to write a whole thing about how Medic isn't a Nazi and why not, but I couldn't think of a way that wasn't too "On a very special episode of TF2...", which is why I guess they've never touched upon it in canon, either. They said he wasn't and never expounded on why. I hope they will, eventually.
>> No. 14167
>>14166
Additionally...people have told me (or at least implied) that if he isn't a Nazi, he's not scary, which doesn't make sense.

I think even if a person abstains from stuff like rape, murder, homophobia, anti-Semitism, whatever, but they still murder for fun, they're still a murderer. That doesn't mean they're not scary, or not evil. I always end up citing "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" for this-- I know a lot of people really dislike that comic, but it's still (at least in my opinion) a good example of someone who finds rape and child abuse abhorrent, but is still an incredibly fucked-up and shitty person and a murderer.
>> No. 14170
>>14166
I always assumed it was because TF takes place in an entirely different universe, and it either didn't happen or it happened differently from our time-line or something.

I generally don't understand why people keep trying to match up the mercs wit our universe, when it has been made clear, on numeral occasions, that the TF2 world is not supposed to be the real world, or at least not our world.
>> No. 14172
>>14170
Just on the basis that I can't separate "WWII never happened in this universe" with Holocaust-denying, and for me, it's worse to make an alt-universe where I'm pretending millions didn't die, than try to come up with a not-hamfisted way to explain why a character known for sociopathy didn't participate in it.
>> No. 14179
Soldier's backstory implied that WWII happened.

My general Medic headcanons tend to be one of the following:
1) He was too young to do anything of significance (except maybe be in the Hitler Youth).
2) He found the Nazi Party to not mesh with what he wanted to do. (Not enough Science!) He was probably still conscripted to serve in the armed forced to some capacity.
3) The Nazi's thought him too insane, even for them.
4) He was just Jewish enough to be nervous about what was going on and fled the country.
>> No. 14234
Medic adopts a squeaky voice and utters nonsensical sweet nothings to his birds when alone.

>>14179
>3) The Nazi's thought him too insane, even for them.
Ahahaha yes!
>> No. 14235
I like the idea that the things that don't make sense in TF2 intentionally don't make sense, to prove a point. I mean, it started out with the exact same plot as every 90's first person shooter. "Two teams, both identical, keep fighting over the same land for eternity." So this is an extreme version of that idea. Two teams, both identical, identical backstories, identical family members, bosses who are essentially identical, etc. I just figure everything happens in duplicate, everything that happens to RED Soldier also happens to BLU Soldier, etc.
>> No. 14236
File 139017687798.jpg - (159.53KB , 500x466 , man with bad ski tan sings song of his people.jpg )
14236
>>14235
This headcanon + WAR update = brb crying 5eva
>> No. 14275
I realized something. Not just about TF2, but in fiction in general. Y'see, a lot of series have a main male character with a wife and kids. We only ever get to see the wife and kids once in person, or maybe in a photograph. Or maybe not at all. We just know they exist, and because they exist, we (theoretically) have sympathy for them. We don't want them to die, because they have a family to protect. It's their motivation.

I rarely see canonical gay couples as it is, but every time I do, they have to be a main cast member, or a side character that shows up a lot, at the very least. Nobody has an offscreen boyfriend that's just sort of mentioned from time to time whenever it's relevant. But if they pulled that with TF2, I can see it working. Maybe just one merc is gay, and he has a boyfriend who isn't a mercenary, doesn't work for either RED or BLU, just stays out of it.
>> No. 14289
File 140022252661.jpg - (19.68KB , 268x265 , 1285096582633.jpg )
14289
>>14275

Not shipping amerc with another merc? With some kind of... civilian?

That's just crazy talk.

JK actually that's a very nice idea.
>> No. 14329
I am new to this fandom, and after some researching, I have not found my answers.

Can someone tell me what the difference is between the RED and BLU teams? Personality-wise, not Blutarch vs Redmond, not the companies. I mean. These teams have the exact same models on either side, so are... they the same people? Does RED Soldier and BLU Soldier have the same background and name, for example?

Also, what's the explanation when you have multiples of a class?

What's the head canon on this?

Background, I am looking to get into roleplaying/writefagging.
>> No. 14330
>>14329
Canonically, it's a bit hazy. RED Scout's recanted events that happened in previous comics to BLU Scout, both Soldiers are apparently 'Mr. Doe,' both Soldiers lived with Merasmus, etc. So some people think both teams are identical, usually going with the clone approach as a theory. Or they assume there's only nine mercs.

The other theory is the "Cuanta Vida" approach, named after the fancomic that started the idea that BLU was a bunch of sweethearts, and RED were bloodthirsty mongrels, and different classes were sleeping with different people on each team. But there's never been an official statement on which is correct, and many people really dislike this approach, because CV was really disliked by a lot of people. But it's easier for roleplay, or cross-faction classcest.
>> No. 14331
>>14329
Canonically, RED and BLU characters are used interchangeably, as if they were the exact same person, even down to their recent history, but on a different team. The current canon explanation for this is who cares stop being such a nerd.

In fanfiction, most authors explain it as one of the following:
a) The mercs are clones or
b) RED and BLU deliberately seek out employees similar to their rival's employees or
c) Wat a coinicidence, lol

I've also noticed that there's a trend in fanfiction and roleplay to making the RED team a bit more deranged and animalistic and the BLU team less so. I think part of that is because somebody started doing that a long time ago and it stuck. I also think that cultural associations with the colours themselves (Red Angry, Blue Serene) have something to do with it. If you're trying to be a canontard, though, it should probably go the other way around, since BLU is offensive/aggressor team and RED is the defensive/passive team.

Personally, I like to treat the two teams as eerily similar but separate individuals, and use their differences to explore various extrapolations of the same character. It helps me because I write short stories and 5,000 words is nowhere near enough to cover the Many Moods of Medic. Individual variation between RED and BLU classes is a convenient excuse to focus on the character's more relevant qualities without feeling like shutting out other possibilities--because there's always the other team's Soldier. It's basically two chronologies for the price of one. What a value.
>> No. 14332
>>14331
I like the idea of them being eerily similar but unrelated, because that makes it into meta commentary on multiplayer gaming in general. I mean, TF2 was far from the only game to ever have two identical teams of people. It's just only weird in TF2, because TF2 had a story, and some of these other games didn't. I think it's why Medic joined the TFC team, because the TF2 and TFC Medics don't work at all the same way, in both combat and personality. They could never survive on each others' teams.
>> No. 14333
I had a headcanon for years that Scout was under 18, and the fact that a certain subset of people found him sexy precisely because they thought he was underaged was always really icky to me. For some reason, even when I look at him (and some 19-25 year olds in real life), my brain still goes, "Nope, they're like, 14, you can't find them hot."
>> No. 14335
So this place is dead?
>> No. 14336
>>14335
I come on every couple of days to check things out, I can't speak for what anyone else is doing.
>> No. 14739
Scout has a really fluffy blanket that he's had for as long as he can remember. Every night he cuddles up to it and strokes it and whispers to himself "I am a great fighter" over and over again until he falls asleep. He's done it since he was like 2, and he hasn't lost a fight yet, so that makes it scientifically proven (in his mind) that it WORKS.

Soldier's mom always wanted a girl and always tells him that she thought he was going to be a girl and how DISAPPOINTED she is that he wasn't. Of course, that doesn't make her love him any less, but it never feels that way to him. He probably would have always had mental issues, but his upbringing didn't help none.

Pyro goes apeshit when they see magic tricks. Like they fucking LOSE it. No one can tell if they're really fooled into thinking the trick is real or if they just REEEEALLY love magic, but it's a surefire way to get the little firebug hyped af.

Demoman actually gets laid fairly often compared to the rest of his team. I mean, he's not that bad looking, and most women would find a guy who takes care of his blind, elderly widowed mom charming. He doesn't tend to have STABLE relationships because yanno... alcoholism is a bitch, and while he might be able to hide his addiction for a night, I doubt he'd be able to for much longer than that, but yanno. It's somethin. Enough to make Scout jealous, anyways.

Heavy is actually the second youngest member on the team, after Scout (and not counting Pyro because who the fuck knows). It's hard for most to tell because he's so... big. And intimidating. And... Russian. Also, he's used to being the oldest sibling so he naturally tends to "act" older. But he's not even in his 30s yet, surprisingly.

Engineer takes rediculously good care of his teeth. He brushes after every meal, flosses, all the good stuff. He also doesn't bleach (unlike Medic - but don't tell anyone), so his teeth are legitimately healthy, not just blindingly white. He's proud to say he's never had a cavity in his entire life.

Sniper smokes, but he smokes fancy herbal cigarettes. It's embarrassing to admit, but he's really sensitive to stimulants like nicotine and caffeine. That's why he always drinks decaf.

Medic is asexual. He thinks sex is amusing to watch, but finds it barbaric, distasteful, and a complete waste of time. He's devoted to finding a way to preserve his genes without having to deal with icky, non-blood bodily fluids. Perhaps by budding. (Note: I said asexual, not aromantic. Do with that what you will.)

BLU Spy is indeed the captain of RED Spy's fanclub. To be honest, RED Spy is what made him decide to try his hand in espionage. He finds the man an inspiration and it's always been his dream to surpass his senpai rival.

Merasmus enjoys making prank calls, but he's pretty shitty at it. What's more, he's totally unable to distinguish what's a prank call when he's on the receiving end, no matter how absurd the premise. Perhaps because, as someone who dabbles in the occult, he's seen much, MUCH more bizarre shit. Also he was a roommate with Solly. God help him.
>> No. 14749
Despite saying she only gets one day off a year, Miss Pauling has a surprising amount of free time (provided the mercs don't do something stupid).

Soldier cares the most about the team after Spy and Heavy, but between the lead poisoning and various degrees of crazy he has, he doesn't know how to show it and resorts to tough love and terrible jokes.

The entire team watches Star Trek. Engie was banned from talking during episodes after criticizing the science too much and making Pyro upset. He secretly writes to the producers and fan magazines about how it could be done better. Medic has tried to replicate several of the alien creatures including Tribbles. It did not end well.

Miss Pauling roller skates and is an avid roller derby fan. She could have been on a team before working for TF Industries but was considered too plain and non-aggressive for it at the time.

Heavy only pretends to be bad at chess because Medic is a sore loser and would whine about it to no end if he lost. Most of the team is in on it and gets a good laugh out of watching Medic get frustrated.

Spy is a swiss army knife of skills and hobbies. He has the money to get his clothes tailored but prefers to do it himself. Besides sewing, he knows basic carpentry, calligraphy, oil painting, bar-tending, cooking, and a list of other things. He sees himself as a Renaissance man and finds the various trades to be useful when creating covers for himself.

Animals naturally gather around Sniper due to his quiet, relaxed demeanor. Lizards and snakes are particularly fond of draping on him and hiding in his pockets. He takes it in stride and leaves bowls of water in the shade of his camper for the critters. He has yet to tame Lieutenant Bites.

Scouts brothers were all skirt chasers at some point and it rubbed off on him. His ma made very sure they knew how to treat a girl right in bed, but he never learned how to properly court women. This makes him nervous around anyone who is more than a potential quickie, but at least he can eat them out like a champ.

Heavy, Sniper, and Demo all know how to knit.
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