My feelings right now?

"I TOTALLY called it!!!"

I don't wanna paaaaaint. Can't my masks just be done?

Just...go paint yourselves, masks. I have a hot date with my laptop.

no, just no. I have been tearing my hair out for about a week and a half now. dealing with stupid shit layered on stupid shit on a shit foundation. No more. I refuse to fucking care any more. There is nothing i can do anymore and I won't try. As of now, I give no fucks. I will sit down and sleep my ass off and play games. Fucks not given. fucks denied, and i feel so much better for it.

Trying to write.

Remembering how much I suck. Especially at openings.

Feels bad, man.

My boss wants me to give up my weekend internship so I can WORK WORK WORK more for her. I think she sees it also as a threat to keeping me on, I think.

Much as I like being full time employed, I had the internship long before I had the job, and I only need to put in 50 more hours to complete the internship.

Plus I'm totally leaving this job in about three more months to move to Kentucky

When will the therapy people call back.

When.

Lolita is officially the worst fandom I have ever been in. Never have I seen a bunch of adult women protesting SO VEHEMENTLY that they are not trying to be like 12-year-old girls while acting EXACTLY LIKE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. With the bitchiness and the pettiness and the Girl A said Girl B said something mean about me and someone else has been banned from Facebook and it must be Girl B and someone else posted a nasty secret about me and OH MY GOD HOW OLD ARE YOU.
I am seriously regretting getting into this fashion, and that makes me really, really sad. This would never happen in steampunk.

Computer broke, had to get an older one out of storage. Can't do shit.

Feels bad man.

>>10099
>Never have I seen a bunch of adult women protesting SO VEHEMENTLY that they are not trying to be like 12-year-old girls while acting EXACTLY LIKE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS

Ha ha ha, oh wow. I never paid much attention to that fandom, but it sounds insane. I'd pay good money to be a fly on the wall during one of those ladies' psychotherapy sessions.

I hate how my school/course of study has this unwritten standard that its students should look good. I'm one of the few (maybe less than 15 altogether) who aren't skinny, and I have the fashion sense of a doorknob. When I found out I had been accepted into the course (the best Mass Communications course in my country), I was happy but afraid of the peer pressure I'd be subjected to. Of course, I could just do my own thing and feel comfortable with myself, but I don't think I'm strong enough to bear with it for two and a half more years.

On a happier note, I received the pictured sewing pattern in the mail a few days ago. I want to learn how to sew, and having this in my possession sort of inspires me to do so.

I will admit when I am dressing like an english twelve year old. Those girls sounds like this is srs bsns. It is money wise because fifty pounds of lace costs a ton. otherwise, it's a hobby people, loosen up and let the sticks out.

I feel confused. My friend that I have had a crush on for years is back from far away college for a few days. I know she is probably going to want to spend this short time with her family. I can accept that. She said it would be better to spend time with her around Thanksgiving because she would be here longer then. We didn't really hangout outside of school anyway. I am feeling a mix of happiness that she is back, sadness from knowing that even if she suddenly did want to be more than friends it would have to be long distance, and she has already turned me down before due to "not being able to handle a relationship". I know that feeling, I would not have any idea how to have any kind of relationship, but for some reason that is all I want. Every year I tell myself "this will be the year you finally get a girlfriend" and it always turns out to be a lie. I don't like anyone here and they don't like me. And so I am always alone, communicating only with the previously mentioned friend and one other who is not relevant to this disscussion. My default mood is neutral with depression increasing throughout the day, so by now I am not feeling so great. I hate that I sound so whiney whenever I talk about this stuff.

I always tell my friends I'll be there if they need moral support. I always listen to their problems and offer advice without complaint. I always help them the best to my ability.

But I mention being upset, and the only person that even asks me why is a friend that I've never seen open up in her entire life, much less be serious about anything.

I guess, on the bright side, it was good to see that her quietness doesn't mean she doesn't care.

My girlfriend is at a con, so we've been out of contact for a whopping twenty four hours, and I'm already missing her pretty bad. That feels kind of pathetic, but I guess I'm used to talking to her on a near constant basis, even just through text. But I'm glad she's having fun.

I think the fact that the weather snapped really suddenly from blistering, sweltering summer to massive freezing rainstorms gave me an early burst of SAD or something. Spent a long time lying awake in bed not being able to keep a train of thought and not wanting to eat or do anything with myself...

Then I found out that D&D was indeed meeting and I had to get up and get prepared. I was still underprepared, but we had fun anyway, since we finally had the whole group back.

Need to be depressed less. Tomorrow night I go to the theatre to see Charley's Aunt, so I'm looking forward to that. And then Wednesday I'll be 27... so, ice cream will happen.

>>10099
Let's be nonstandard lolis together. I've been tired of the bitchiness since I got in. I mostly ignore it, and I'm lucky that my local comm isn't that bad save for a couple people.

Actually, there's a hanful of froo-froo girls on the chan altogether, we should make our own cattiness-free comm.

>>10111

You know, i already played with the idea to open a thread. I mean not about Loli or so, but rather something along Off-Topics Hobby asking helping thread. Because i noticed we have much knitexperiences folks around here and i like to knit, too, but i´m rather still new to it and i really can´t get the hang out of it, how to knit a muster into a scarf.

I don´t even know how to knit a scarf in a other pattern than the gardner stitch.
And internet did disappoint me greatly.

>TF2 lolis
Is it time to admit I once did loli!Medic? It was actually sort of boss.

>>10114
Tf2chan knitting circle would be amazing! I've just cast on my attempt at a stuffed Dalek. In the round, on dpns, with a lot of colourwork and shaping. It is probably going to be a disaster.
Also it's freezing in here, what is central heating?
(Captcha: "dashery, rlowwww". Whut. Now, I get excited about haberdashery, but I think that's a little too far.)

Haven't heard from that cosplayer basically since I first talked to him. I would like to believe he's just really busy, but I'm not sure that's the case. Sucks too, we had a lot of fun talking.

I want to be with someone so bad even though part of me knows that it just won't work out, or at least isn't possible for a long time. They'll probably find someone better than me by then.

I feel upset when I think about it which is pretty much every day. Why do things have to be so complicated?

I had a friend preach to me about how guys should never come in the way of friends. She finally got her first boyfriend and completely fucked with my emotions six ways from Sunday. I just got over a rejection, and I had to bear witness to the guy flirting with some chick for any entire evening while my friend fucked around with her boyfriend, completely ignoring me the entire night while I tried not to cry.

After all the emotional support I've fucking given her. Jesus Christ.

Jesus, where do I start?
It's been a while since I've been round because so much has happened to me. So I got married to an Englishman on August 2nd, and 22 days later he was diagnosed with a 95% probability of Testicular cancer. Because of the circumstances with his citizenship,my lack of money, and because of US charity organizations not wanting to treat fresh immigrants, he was forced to come back to his country to get the rapidly growing tumors removed. He could not get parole and made the woman at the immigration office cry when she told him he would not be allowed to come back because of the visa he was on, and now we have to start the immigration process over, and that it would take another 6 months before he could come and stay.
Because he couldn't stay in the States, I decided to go with him. I quit my job, packed my bags, missed a flight, and somehow managed to get to England.
Currently, I'm stuck in an English flat for 5 months unable to legally work, drive, or really do much of anything for myself.
I even had to borrow money from my parents to pay off my husbands ultra sound scans he got in the US before I left... I pride myself on being money wise, and on my ability to save and I haven't borrowed money since I was 18... It's weird how a disaster makes things change so quickly.

HE has had his surgery,and has recovered very well from it, and in 4 days will be told if he needs chemo treatments. He has about 2.5 feet of thick auburn hair that he's horrified of losing, and I'm not entirely sure how to give comfort for something like that.
But there it is. Now that I'm literally home-bound for the next 5 months, I will probably be allot more active.

This is easily the most life-changing and possibly the most tragic year of my short weird life.

>>10125
If it helps, my friend was stuck in a similar situation, money-wise. She took the time collecting garbage, making sculptures of it, and sold it online.
I'm not saying you have to do that, but there are lots of online career options out there, or you might be able to even get local under-the-table work, like babysitting.

knitting/sewing circles would be awesome. (I can't knit anything but a straight rectangle, myself... and I haven't done it in a while. I have been getting back into needlework, though)

There were three people I knew in the cast of the play I went to tonight, and they were all fabulous. So that's good. And getting out and going to the theatre helped alleviate my stress/depression that's been weighing me down the past couple days.

So I've decided to spend some of my earlier savings on clothes, bought a neat military styled coat, a few vests, a few black shirts, few pairs of pants and two pairs of shoes. This cost me roughly 800. And yet there were jackets which cost over 1k and that was in a regular store!
And I agree with >>10103, in this private school almost everyone is from upper middle class, and paying 4k for a set of Apple products is probably nothing for them.
I feel inadequate for wearing the same clothes for a few days in a month (although thank god, I'm not the only one and people are generally nice there, I've already made friends with some of them).

Dealing with a mother who's got manic depression and mild Asperger's day in day out is incredibly taxing.

Went to a university open day today with the whole family. Mistake. Before we even get there she's confrontational in the car, working the entire family into a rage during the hour and a half drive to the university. We try to be patient with her, but by the time we get to the university she storms off and we don't see her for another three hours. (She told us she was off to go "throw herself onto the train tracks". She has done this before, many a time, but it's still incredibly worrying every time it happens.) As soon as she comes back to us, I apologise for whatever it was I did that made her angry, which brings on a whole rant about "why the fuck are you so self-accusatory? Do you have some sort of inferiority complex or something? GAWD, I have no idea where you got that from, you little bitch" which is completely ridiculous because I know exactly where I got that inferiority complex from that's been debilitating me my whole life and it's you, and everyone around can see it, you fucking whore, and--

*deep breaths*

Well, needless to say, this kind of behaviour from her is completely normal, but it annoys me that she's allowed to have her mood swings and yell and shout at whoever the fuck she likes whether she knows them or not, while I (inheriting the manic-depressive goodness as well) have to stay prim and proper at all times. And they wonder why I don't talk to them. I've got a fucking tidal wave of words waiting for them behind a dam, about to fucking explode, except it's being held back because the last time I explained to them that I was depressed it made my mum angry at me for being so "weak-willed" which made my dad mad and looking at it from this perspective my family's actually quite fucked up.

I can't wait to get to uni.

I'm the forever alone Swing Dancer from the last thread. I just wanted to tell you guys that your words helped, and I am in a better place now. Last weekend my parents visited me, and though the resulting talks were a bit painful they did help me a lot. I still have a lot of the insecurities and bad feelings, but I'm happier now.

So I'm going to talk about dancing, because it gives me so much joy and makes for fun storytimes.

So my college's swing dance club meets once a week. It's the beginning of the semester so we have a lot of new people, but have been getting a very good turnout and regulars (in the past people would show up for one session and not come back).
So because there's a lot of new people, I'm one of the more skilled members, but I'm patient with people in general. Besides we have fast learners and the club president has short lessons each time.
But then there's this ONE GUY. He takes the cake for the worst lead I've ever had. I don't know what it is, I try to instruct him and lead him in the right direction, but he can't even do the East Coast basic, let alone Lindy Hop. He's got the most stiff, awkward movements I've ever experienced in a dancer, and I've danced with awkward as fuck people. He's like a ball-jointed doll who's afraid his limbs might pop out of their sockets. Posture and proper tension in the arms is important, but there is no place for stiffness in swing (this isn't ballroom, after all).

I Tried telling this guy that he needs to place his weight on the balls of his feet so he has a bounce in his step (THIS IS SUPER GODDAMNED IMPORTANT HOLY SHIT). This is how the conversation went:

"Okay, so jump for me three times. Do you feel how the weight is on the balls of your feet? And how your knees are bent? That's how you want to be."

He stands on his toes "like this?"

"No, you don't want to stand on your toes, but you do want your weight shifted forward."

Still standing on his toes, bobbing up and down awkwardly. At this point I grab a really experienced dancer and ask for help, since he's helped me with my own shit in the past.

Awkward guy is still on his toes. "she told me to stand like this."

We ran out of time before the experienced dancer could explain everything (awkward guy didn't want help, kept saying he could do it on his own), because it was the last song of the evening. I have no idea how to even handle this situation. I generally like instructing people, but this guy man.


Also, fuck Buffalo's schizophrenic weather. It was in the 90s for the first few weeks, mild, then cold and dreary and rainy for another week, and now it's back to being hot again.

If I could, I would send all of my friends who have problems the most courage and luck that there is in the world to go out there, kick those problems in their stupid faces, force them to watch Jersey Shore, kick them off a cliff, catch them in a bucket, kick them off a cliff again, dance around their corpse and then have a drink on their graves.

I can't, sadly. Aw man.

So, in all seriousness: Never forget that I'm willing to listen to your problems, give my advice and cheer you up, but I can't fix your problems for you. I'm not a professional, Jesus or Powdered Toast Man. So no matter how nicely I might be able to pat you on your shoulders, you gotta be tigers and face your issues. You can do it, guys. Face that bitch called life! Give it your most hardcore uppercut! And when you need a rest and some encouragement, I will be your coach at the ring corner, massaging your shoulders and giving you a drink.

There, had to get that out.
You can do it, guys.

>>10119
Dude's computer was just f'd up. I am feeling better about this now.

I am feeling much worse about other shit. I am starting to worry that I'm not going to be able to find a job here in the US that won't make me want to tear my own eyes out. I just finished an overly-long application to some fucking defense contractor and I feel totally drained. Ugh. All I want to do is make vidya. Is that so much to ask?

Once my thesis is done (which is a whole other source of pain), I'm going to start looking in Canada. I hear the economy is less fucked up there.

I miss my boy right now more than I think I've ever missed anyone, ever. Since I went off to university there've been 106 miles between us, and I feel like every one of them is crowded inside my head, sitting on the happy bit of my brain and kicking me mentally whenever I'm alone. I don't know how to deal with this, as I've never felt anything like it before, ever. We're not even that serious - sure, we're snuggly, and we fuck (a LOT), and we sit under a duvet and drink hot chocolate and watch Doctor Who (the phrase I came up with to describe our relationship was 'Partners Without Detriments', instead of 'Friends With Benefits' - geddit?) but I really don't feel comfortable admitting to people I know just how mind-numbingly much I miss him. Every time I think about him I get a surge of affection, then a boot to the throat about how out-of-arms-reach he is.

*sigh*

We both have our own lives, and I can't just ask him to take a two and a half hour coach ride every time I'm feeling lonely. But in this new city of mine, where I know so few people, hearing about his nights out and the fun he's having just cripples me inside.

I don't know what to do, really. I'm not seeing him for another 19 days.

Sitting in a college class that I don't really hate but don't really want to be in. I'm in it for the hours really and I sit here board out of my skull most of the time.
What I really want is an RP partner. I lost my pc some months ago and lost touch with the few I had. I came back and one or two had moved on and the other dropped off the face of the earth.
The ones that had moved on, the interests between us had changed.
I've posted in the RP board here and am just waiting on someone to take a chance on me.

Feeling pretty mad today. I'm mad, bro.

>>10147

>get on the feelings thread to bitch about silly things
>see this post
>feel immensely better and tackle the last part of this essay

Thanks, Perry.

I realize I am shitty at Tf2, but when someone invites me to play for your little comp. team, last minute, when all I've ever done is derp around as a Pyro, you don't have to remind me how much I suck. I'm only there as a favor, because you need someone extra. I never claimed to be good. I never even asked to play. So stop telling me to spycheck every five seconds. I know I have to. I've been doing it. Right at this moment I can't. I just got mowed down by a Heavy. I'll do it when I come back. Calm your balls, pal.

The above. Why I will never play competitive gaming. Ever.

Put me in a bad fucking mood now. I was going to paint some more masks but now I can't, because I'm angry, and I'll just fuck them up, so I'll do it tomorrow, because it's late anyway.

Other feelings:
Masks. Fucking finish yourselves. I have to find $2500 worth of props. I don't have time for your shit.
And we still don't have a lead costumer, and there's nothing I can do, but it just makes me feel even more unprepared, and like everything is just spiralling out of control, and I can't find my fucking bilingual copy of Waiting For Godot, and it's my favourite, and I know it's SOMEWHERE, but I have no fucking clue where.

And I am sorely tempted to pop an Ativan, but no. I am better than that. (I'm not saying anyone that takes Ativan is lesser than me, of course) I can deal with my stress on my own. I know I can, and I know it is hard, but I will fucking do it because I need to have some goddamn control in my life.

Fuck.

And I'm on that last day of my period where my snatch feels like it's made of sandpaper.

I'm having a very bad day. Which is sad, because it was 20 degrees Celsius today, and that never happens at this time of year.

Feeling pretty bad man, pretty bad. Don't mind me as I just crawl under this couch n' hide.

>>10166
Just came on the chan at 5AM all sleepdeprived and depressed ... So I could find someone liking my feeble try at motivational writing and support?

Aw man ... That makes me so insanely happy I don't even.
You are awesome!

>>10167
Im sorry some ass wipe kept blasting you in the game Iz, but before you start to tell people what an asshole said person is, make sure you get the person right. Telling someone close to me how much of a cunt I am is not cool, especially when I added you afterwards to apologise for the other person bein such a wide case, which you not only delete but then put me on your ignore list. Thanks for that.

>>10168
If anyone deserves it, it's you. Here - and take a cookie to sooth you on your way.

>>10171
I never put you on my ignore list. I just hit Deny on the invite. If it went to ignore list then something went wrong, because I never told it to do that.
And a very large part of me is still certain that it was you. If it wasn't, and I am wrong, and it genuinely was someone else, then I apologize to you, and I am sorry if I hurt you. I am in a very bad place right now, emotionally, and a part of me is trying to prevent me from feeling the sadness by making me feel the anger instead. I know I should just keep crying, and let it pass, and get the fuck over it, but it's hard for me.

I am sorry. If it helps, I'm not going back there (this whole experience has soured me against Tf2 almost entirely, now), and the chances of us ever interacting again are slim to nil, so there's that, at least.

>>10173
Thats the thing though lass, I want to interact with you again because I do like ya, and yer a friend of my super awesome (who is also totally hot) acquaintance 2Ref. I added you to apologise cause the guy in question was such an ass to ya, and maybe ask if ye wanted me to coach ya a little bit, or jump in some games together so we could wreck shit and improve together. heck, I was one of the ones beggin ya to stay and tellin the other guy to get of yer case lass.

I'm also sorry though. Ye mentioned me by name to a few peeps and denied me a chance to say anythin to ya, and Ill admit, THAT got me a bit heated cause I felt I was bein buggered without the chance to correct ya. So Im sorry I got so peeved, though I assure ya, that screamer wasn't me.

>>10174
I accept your apology, thank you for it, and offer my own. I don't recall anyone other than the two people who invited me there defending me, or asking me to stay, but then I was emotional, and upset, and overtired, so again, entirely possible I didn't hear you. Your mic is rather low, if I remember correctly, as well. I had to strain to hear you any time you talked.

It still bothers me, when people claim to like me when they don't know me at all, but whatever. If you want, I can add you to Steam, and we can converse sometime when I'm not upset to the point of vomiting (Oh well, I needed to shed a few pounds from Thanksgiving Dinner anyway), since you claim to be on my block list. That is a brain scratcher, though. I've never blocked anyone in my life. I'll deny requests, especially if I don't know the person, but I know I didn't block you, because I never do that. It's weird.

Again: I'm sorry, I'm an emotional wreck for the first time in my life, I can't find my fucking favourite copy of Godot, and you typing out your accent makes me smile a little everytime for some reason, so I can't really stay too TOO upset.

I still need an Ativan, though. FML.

>>10175
We know each other a lil more than I think ye realise, I reply a decent amount to ya, and by yer attitude her on the chan and the odd game we end up sharin, yer a groovy chick to hang with, and I was meaning to add ye before tonight, but Im... lazy, ye ken?

Hope ye feel better soon though, don't worry, ye caught Microphone on a bad night I guess, he was a sub as well I believe, comp (especially Team Gee) isn't usually that ragey.

>>10176
I honestly only vividly remember you from the camwhore thread, because of the kilt. Not it in itself, but just because for a moment, I thought we had the same family tartan (so for a moment, I was all 'OMG I'M RELATED TO SOMEONE ON THE CHAN'). When I zoomed, though, the colours were all different, so it was all for naught. (My clan is fucking huge, though, so it wouldn't have surprised me).

It pleases me that you consider me a groovy chick, though. I shall add you when my computer stops trying to tell me to update things I don't have.

New feeling: I hate it when my computer tries to tell me to update things I don't have.

ALSO. My captcha is 'Godot issedLi'. It's just mocking me now.

  >>10177
It ain't my family tartan, so there is still a chance, what's yer clan title?
Also, service with a smile?

>>10178
Wrong Godot, but thank you for trying. Hehe.

UGH, though. I KNOW I had the book home from University, and it's not in any of my bookcases.
I'm probably going to go to the theatre company tomorrow, and find it stuck under a chair or something.

Clan's Murray. I've been told our Tartan's the Atholl one, which has green and blue like the one you wore in those pics, but they're brighter, and the pattern's more compacted.

>>10180
I have Murray blood on my father's side, but Im mainly of the O'Donnell clan myself, and whilst I don't have the Atholl tartan, I do have a kilt with the Tullibardine Tartan.

So I don't know if Kilo saw this or not. Welp, here it is again.

Funny how I originally made this for Kilo, but now it pretty much accurately portrays how I feel about most of the chan. Like, 95%.

Maybe I'm just feeling really lovey for no reason. IDK.

Drawn in Paint with my crappy laptop mouse. +4001 carpal tunnel

>>10195
Didn't you also say that 95% of the board was also Poontah?

>>10196
I sure did. That's the part of the chan I like most, obviously.

>>10188
Neato. I should do some work on ancestry.com or whatever sometime. Find out more about my roots. I mean, it's neat that I know my clan and my tartan in Scotland and stuff (and I'd like to know more, honestly), but that's just my dad's Scottish side. I know nothing of his Irish side, and I know very little about my mom's side of the family, past the fact that we've been in Canada for over six generations. Some day I will learn things.

Oh yeah. Feelings.
I found some nice varnish for the masks, and it makes them pop just great. And I had a 50% off coupon, so it makes me feel even better.
And so far, my Orson the wild man mask hasn't completely fallen apart, so I'm wary, but still pleased. But dreading the feather work.

I really wish I could make a career out of this. Mask making is fun.

>>10204

I'm a Morrison, but I'm unaware of any of our history. My family have lived in the Lowlands for generations and we're not too fond of the Highlanders/anyone north of Stirling/those fuckers on the islands, which are the only Scots people care about, ha.

Went to class even though I'm sick, forget my wallet and return home to get it after my first class. I drive back to college then drive around for 20 minutes trying to find a parking space so I can get to my next class only to keep barely missing an open spot (One was stolen!). Finally get a compact space only to have a bump on the side of my car hit the brake light of the guy parked next to me, tearing it out. I put it back in, tape it, and leave my number. Then a friend texts me that my class had been canceled! I wish I woulda stayed home. I also forgot to take a picture dang it. Now I'm nervously awaiting their call.

I feel miserable. Today started out pretty okay then just got worse and worse. I got a flat tire this morning so i couldn't get to work, and my mom was pissed at ME for some reason because of it and started lecturing the shit out of me about doing al of my responsibilities.

Then I found out that the college I was planning to go to for Spring suddenly withdrew my housing deposit (that was, like, $250) and slapped on a huge $450 fee for breaking my commitment or some shit and didn't even tell me or email me about this ahead of time. Not only did I lose my deposit and get stuck having to pay the huge-ass fee (and I don't even know what it's for!), I have to make ANOTHER deposit to secure my place in housing aagain.

And my fucking mom isn't helping a damn bit. She just sits there and berates me for all this like I wanted it to fucking happen, and is all, "Well, you got yourself into this, now get yourself out."

Fuck you. You said you'd help me with all this college bullshit, and you haven't done anything You can rot in a fucking ditch.

Fuck that. Fuck all of this. If I could ragequit on life I would.

I'm... I want to say Stewart, through my dad's side, and I can't remember my mom's side... I just remember her side of the family has less Scottish heritage so it's distant/thin, which is probably why I don't remember. Her side's got a lot of everything, my dad was more straight up Scottish and German.

(Kind of contemplating getting into ancestry stuff, but it's a slippery slope... I already like researching stuff way too much, that could suck me in like crazy...)

All right. Tomorrow morning, by the time I wake up, I will be 27. Tonight my mom's taking me to buy ice cream and chocolate cereal (and I've got to deposit a check).

I have reached the point in my life where, on the one hand, I do feel trepidation about the passing of time and the inevitability of age and its ravages, but I'm still young (or at least immature) enough to really want cake and presents every year...

Have to write my grandma to tell her I spent the birthday money she sent on embroidery stuff-- I think she'd approve of that. If it's a book or something related to an 'industrious' hobby I feel like she would, whereas I'm probably too old for her to smile on my buying toys.

(Then again, she collects dolls, so... she probably wouldn't be too judge-y. She's not really a judgmental woman, but she lived through the great depression, single motherhood in the fifties, the death of her husband and one of her sons, and cancer, so I kind of always feel like I should be making choices she'd approve of... There are not many people I know who are smarter or tougher.)

I don't want to be here any more.
I'm so tired.
Stop leaving.
I can't think.

I should not be failing quizzes in a class for no other reason than the fact that you can't use a wireless connection to connect to the college website. I have no other option (EVEN THE CAMPUS COMPUTERS ARE WIRELESS) so I keep getting locked out of the quizzes. That's absolute bullshit.

The only reason I haven't gotten into the lolita fashion is because I get mistaken for a preteen on a regular basis, and I'm worried it'd make me look even younger.

I have no college classes tomorrow and my dad is calling bullshit (because apparently I can't have a teacher seminar day, I'm just trying to skip). He called me at nearly 3 am to scream at me about it. My boyfriend's also coming in to go shopping with me, presumably so we can get NYCC props. I've never had a "real" boyfriend before (and the person I did have hurt me badly), so I'm admittedly scared to fall in love with him, even though he's really nice.

>>10209

Me and you should chat, bruv. My mum's a major history buff, so she's passed on a lot of stuff to me.

(ps scotland sucks you don't wanna visit)

Same deal as a few days ago, sitting in a college class doing nothing. it's not that the teacher is a bad teacher, but it's one of those "teach yourself" class that she just sits in on...this is seriously the boring class I've ever taken.
I don't think I'll take one of these "teach yourself" ever again. Easy A but boring as hell >.<

>>10218
No no, visit! So long as ye don't spend ALL yer time in the towns and that, Scotland is great.

>>10216
Lolita isn't so much looking younger as it is how you carry yourself. Yes, you'll be frilled out like a porcelain doll, but if you counteract that saccharine sweetness by holding yourself with grace, people won't assume you're younger just because of it. Trust me on this one, I get regularly mistaken for being up to six years younger than I actually am, but that's never happened to me in Lolita just because of bearing.

Of course, it applies to classic and bittersweet and nearly every other substyle, but if you're going for more OTT sweet then the regal bearing trick doesn't fly.

Fuck you, Mr. director. The masks are fucking shiny enough. They don't need goddamn glitter. And have you ever put glitter on paper mache? IT IS FUCKING HARD. FUCK YOU. I'M NOT DOING IT.

If he hadn't saddled me with these bitches AND the entire props responsibility, I could do it, but as it stands, I'm busy, so what you get is what you get. Suck it up, pal.

Also. Still can't find Godot. Feels bad, because I wanted to re-read it for the millionth time before French class tonight.

Pretty much everything which goes through my mind in the last days... (i just want to wrote them somewhere down)

I fail at life. Okay?
No, like really. I really doubt that i will EVER somehow be grown up and get all my shit together and all. Today was a PERFECT example. And sometimes such things can happan but i fell like i let someone down. Which is utter BULLSHIT, because this is my life. I don´t feel like i let myself down, but that i did disappoint OTHERS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

And i frigging know why i´m a bit besides me... and why are my thoughts spinning in circles and biting each others in the tail like two rabid dogs? And why i´m hundred percent sure that what everyone forecasted and what i deep down knew will happen? Why don´t i have some sense of SELFWORTH? Why do i, my WHOLE life see myself as someone who will...?

And i´m sad and angry, because i know the solution and i would do that anytime but...

I still have hope okay? I still have this glimmer of hope and this wish and ...
It is no ones fault, except mine. Because i let it happen in the first place. Because i´m goddamn stupid and i´m so fucking emotional. And i try to get it under control by not showing, but it all pools together and than it´s like a BOMB and it explodes and if it happens than i can´t say it why, because it´s showing WEAKNESS, which it is, because i should controll it better and...
I´m telling these things on the WRONG places like here. No one gets what i´m talking about, but i don´t want that someone knows, but to the same time i want that someone knows and...

I don´t want pity.

(And all the while this one songs plays in my head, which makes me not more sad but let´s me feel rather pathetic.)

Okay. This has officially just been a really bad week in the way of schoolwork. Bombed an exam, realized a big part of my sculpture project isn't going to work, got locked out of a quiz because of the stupid website but had to fail it because I got locked out about two hours from the due date.

But you know what? Both the exam and the quiz can be dropped - both of those classes let students drop their lowest grade. And I can figure something else out with the sculpture project.

And that research paper for theater class was beast.

> Write subtle satire
> Post it to the chan
> One person just sees the Mary-Sue fic
> One actually sees the satire

Feels INCREDIBLE, man.

>>10105
So I told her that I still have feelings for her, and while she still feels afriad to trust anyone, we have both opened up to eachother quite a bit. She is hesitant to try a long distance relationship because the last 2 guys cheated on her. I tried to get her to understand that I despise cheaters/cheating. So now I am just trying to get her to trust me gradually. But it is all going much better than I expected, we are closer than we have ever been (but not distance wise unfortunately), and now for the first time in quite a while I am starting to be actually happy.

>>10227

May I refer you to >>10195?

I have this tendency to get really close to anyone who actually puts in time or effort to get to know me or treat me with respect,

>>10238
(hit reply too early)

without actually having romantic/sexual feelings for them, so if a fight breaks out, I'm always really scared to lose them, and a person I used to be friends with told a friend of ours that I was acting like we were a couple breaking up.

I said something stupid to her without realizing it was stupid, she was very deeply hurt, I apologized profusely, which may have unintentionally made it worse, and now it's been months and I'm terrified to talk to her again.

>>10220

Lemme rephrase that. Everywhere outside of Edinburgh sucks.

Birthday went better than expected-- my family took me to a new restaurant in town, and not only was it fabulous, it was surprisingly cheap. Our minds were boggled, we were expecting to pay twice what we did.

THEN, Penn and Teller Tell a Lie was on the TV, so I got my P&T fix while I started cross stitching a zombie.

Also, the cats go crazy if you throw a balled up piece of wrapping paper for them. I'll have to pick it all up later, though...

Re Scotland; Someday. Someday. (Someday I want to go just about everywhere, honestly, but Scotland's the place outside the US where I have the most roots...)

Re everything else: all my hugs for everyone.

>>10239
Do eet. If she hasn't just removed ye from her friends list, it means that at least part of her still wants ye there, and if ye have nae talked in so long then what have ye got to lose? No need to talk about anything super serious, just ease the friendship back up to the point it used to be at.

If ye like, ye can add me as well if ye need someone to talk to. My steam id is Donstheman, just add me and Ill bell ye back.

>>10231
Haters gonna hate Iz. Haters gon hate.

Oh right. Current feelings. Uh..

Sort of feeling like a snarky bastard. If the boss asks me to work this weekend again* I'm just going to say no. Or if she canoodles me into saying yes, I'm going to break my own leg so I won't have to go in. The money, man, and all, but these seven day work weeks with sudden cancelations of weekend get togethers everywhere is draining as fuck.

*Ordinarily, I'd say FUCK YEAH OVERTIME, but my boss has hired me semi-illegally as an 'independent consultant" (read: I don't want to pay taxes for hiring an assistant.) Kids, when you go out into the real world to find a job, remember this isn't a raw deal if you're really hit up for cash, but you basically have no worker's rights; ie, a right to a break or a right to a day off, and you can kiss time and a half or whatever right the goodbye.

And if a ladder falls on you, your boss will drag you into the street and claim it happened out there, regardless of the amount of gore in the building.

I've always wanted to visit my relatives in Ireland, myself. My grandmother went with her senior group a year or two ago, and she had the time of her life there, but I want to go from a more spiritual standpoint. I want to go to Newgrange, The Ring of Kerry and places like that.

But then I realize that I have no money and I'm becoming a teacher, so the only time I might get to go to Ireland would be somewhere around twenty years from now at the earliest, and even then I'd only get to go in the summer.

No good can come of posting this in a thread that has already been derailed, so let's allow this to hinge on my feelings.

I'm going to try and untangle my confusion by describing what I see.

>implying
>implying
>IMPLYING IMPLYING IMPLYING

Is it just me or is everyone misreading everyone else, taking things completely the wrong way, and getting progressively more panty-twisted about it?

And we wonder where everyone went. This may sound strange, but this little corner of the universe is one of the last places I would expect usually rational people to get so... dramatic. It's disheartening. I really don't understand where all of this is coming from; it's pretty much, to me, a mountain out of a molehill.

>>10255
>Implying TF2chan is any different than any place else on the internet.

Sorry, couldn't help pointing that out.

Everyone's gonna make me out to be the enemy by default since I'm a mod so I really don't have anything to say since someone, somewhere will take it wrong and get their feelings hurt. I'm apathetic at this point.

>Use parent's PC since someone's on mine.
>Find out dad has a dA! account now.
>The word 'hentai' pops up on URL suggestions.
>Dad is the only one who looks for stuff like webcomics on this comp.

FML. I DO NOT NEED TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT. Also, the reason why I have a second browser which always wipes the history when it's closed.

>>10262
Ugh, I know that feel. I set my dad up with Chrome a while ago. Went to use his computer because mine wasn't working, and his entire top eight most visited were various porn sites.

if people are starting to get pissy, because of someone different and let it out on me.

Because i´m used to it.

Today was a not so great day from the start. Family was stressed therefore trying to find one outlet for their aggression. Sometimes it´s me than. If i than get a BIT pissed on, you can understand why, don´t you?

But mostly i sit there and i´m all: Calm your nevers everything is going to be okay. To which i once heard: I don´t get you I DON`T CARE ATTITUDE BY THIS!

I need to ask you: would it be better if i would be angry like you? Would it help, if i run around angry? Would it help, if i start yelling at you, if i´m frustrated? No not at all.

So i did what i could do now against the german bureacracy and welp. I just can wait now.

Got a mail about this one Jobinterview. Missed the termin got a question if i want to have a other Interview. Said i´m not there around this time. Got the mail i don´t get the job.... after i had a interview (which i never had).
Nothing against my person, blah, blah. Oh please i know i was not the best model, but after running around for one hour in the rain getting completly lost and soaked through makes no one really happy to go smily face. Getting than confronted with my social awkardness... It was horrible. I fialed. COMPLETLY.

Well didn´t really like the firm either, still it stings.

I have now a cup of tea to calm down. And some liquor to make me a bit happy.

Depression ahoy.

I feel so goddamn overwhelmed, and it's not anything but what I've done to myself. I'm half-way through a six-day work week (which isn't unusual), but I'm working all nights, which is unusual. Working nights isn't so bad, but then I have a tendency to sleep the day away and I have several assignments I would like to complete before the due date so I have time for other things.

The 17th I have to give a presentation a stranger wrote for me and I have to make it feel natural, and I also have an essay due, but I just finished it. The 19th I have to correct 20 press releases and make sure they are actually fit for press, the 21-23 I will be across the country while the corporation I work for thinks it would be great fun to demand all the photo labs host a free photo shoot for children's Halloween costumes (with what resources??? They didn't send us a bench or backdrop, and we must use our own personal cameras). On the 24th a stranger has to give a presentation that I wrote for them, as well as my advertising midterm, and my advertising campaign for is due for presentation on the 30th. November 4-5 I will be gone again for family time and the 11-12 I'm running guest liaisons at a convention and I'm hosting a panel, and I need to finish two cosplay because my current ones are not fit for winter.

So all the paperwork and nonsense I'm trying to get done tonight (I'm about 10% of the way through) and I'm already exhausted. But work is work and it must be done, so I'm going to cowgirl-up and do it.

I have a whole 'nother issue about job-work, but I'm even going to touch that one tonight. I just needed someplace to piss and moan and recoup.

The pros about working at a haunted house: I can wear my own classic Lolita instead of old trailer costumes, I get to scare the ever loving crap out of people, and it's a lisence to be crazy around people.

The cons about working at a haunted house: people think it's the best idea ever to get totally piss-ass drunk and then go through and have to be followed by a techie, I'm no longer used to wearing my corset that long so my hips hurt when I take it off, I get home at ass o'clock in the morning because we all go out for food afterwards, and it's keeping me from seeing Scoutpapa on our normal times.

Not to mention that I like supporting my old school's arts, and tomorrow night is marching band homeshow, but I have to miss it because money is good.

GHHHHRRFFFFFHUUUURRRRGGG

The above is one of the many sounds I was making while molding today's mask. I fucking HATE making noses. I really, really do. Friday better turn out absolutely great when he's finished, or I will just be mad that I went to so much effort.

Also, I don't think people like my serious writing style. At all. I knew I should have just gone with the ridiculous derpy stuff I used to write in high school. It's godawful, and I hadn't even heard of subtext or satire, or anything even remotely literary, but it makes people laugh. No offense to chan members, of course (I know they aren't all like this, after all), but it seems like many of them just want to read, and not to think about what they read, and that makes me sad, because that's all I ever do, is think.
So yeah. Next fic will probably suck out loud in my eyes, but will make others ROFL. I'll want to stab myself in the brain with a pencil, but I may be accepted by my peers.

...I'm starting to see why so many writers are suicidal.

>>10236
She told me I am not her type and she does not share my feelings. Never before have I felt such crushing depression.

Period starts day after birthday.

Start coming down with cold day after that.

Lovely. Guess I'll be miserable for a couple of days. I have so much crap to get done, too...

And having a cold plus asthma makes it really hard to breathe at night sometimes... guh. I have to have a fan on all the time or else I feel like I'm suffocating, which is fine when it's hot but annoying when it gets cold.

I feel terrible that my brother's girlfriend is having car trouble, because they were supposed to head up to NYCC. I hope it cooperates today, so they can go and take lots of pictures for me .

In other news, the costume manager for the haunted house is a visiting nurse and has a live-in shift from tonight all the way through Monday. She left me in charge of costumes. Here's hoping I don't screw anything up.

SO MANY THREADS.

SO MANY THREADS

WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY

ALL I HAVE IS MY ONE LITTLE TINY LITTLE STORY AND YOU HAVE LIKE TEN THOUSAND THAT EVERYBODY LOVES

HOW DO I COMPETE WITH THAT

FUCK

/depressionforeverplz

Spoiler tagged for baw-angst. I know, I know. Nobody cares.

>>10285
I understand, but remember everyone loves your thread too!

Nothing more awkward than running into a friend I fell out of contact with. Don't want to be evil, but I have no idea how to talk to them anymore, and might not even want to out of sheer awkwardness. We've been out of contact for maybe 8 years. Fuck, I need to leave the city.

Fuck yeah, new computer! Now to play all the game I want without worrying about loss of frame rate thanks to a good graphics card and 8 GB or RAM.

Bad stuff first to get them out of the way:

I really, really hate it when blood gushes out of me every time I sneeze. That one's spoiler-tagged because it's kind of... kind of TMI in an unsavory way?

Haven't needed Ativan for so long that I don't know where the pill bottle is, but started having minor panic attacks the last couple days and would like to be able to take it again so that my chest doesn't hurt all the time. If I don't caffeinate myself, then I get asthma chest pains, but too much caffeine helps set off the physical symptoms that correspond to my panic attacks, so I'm also leery of that... ugh.

And of course I have weird unfounded guilt issues where I feel bad about things I logically know I have no business feeling guilt over because no rational person would ever blame me for them. But because I can't fix everything, I heap abuse on myself... sigh.

BUT THE GOOD FEELINGS NOW! TO WASH AWAY THE TASTE OF MY ANGST!

Sweeney Todd just opened over at the community theatre! Our season tickets are for the first Saturday, so my mom and I had a lovely time.

When she was in college, both her sisters went to see a performance, and then went back several times, and when they described the show to her, she was baffled as to why they liked it and why they thought she would, but of course, Sondheim, and every aspect of the show was excellent, so she did love it, if not as much as I did.

(Also, the Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett were a RL married couple, so for all the messed up-edness of the characters, it's quite cute seeing them together after the show, and they both have FANTASTIC voices. She was Marguerite when we went to see The Scarlet Pimpernel and decided we had to get season tickets. The actor playing Toby had been the same guy who played her brother in Pimpernel, which amused me. And then it turned out that a friend of mine was running the spot and was in charge of bringing the big red lights up at all the crucial moments. So it was nice seeing her again, and I found out she goes to my mom's church!)

And, while not perhaps so exciting as live theatre, Duck Soup was 50% off at Barnes and Noble's today (60% off, us being members...), so I got one of my all-time favourite movies. Haven't had it since we had it on VHS... and we got rid of most of our tapes so long ago.

And the cats have been quite sweet and silly lately. So all in all, I'm feeling like the good is balancing the bad out pretty well.

I hate when my mom wakes me up at quarter to eleven, thinking my production meeting is at 11:30, when it's at 12:30, and then INSISTS that I told her 11:30. NO I DIDN'T. WHY WOULD I? IT'S ALWAYS BEEN 12:30! RAH. GO MAKE ME A TACO, WOMAN.

Yeah, I'm a bit cranky from sleeping less than I hoped to, but because she's making steak for her and my dad tonight, and she knows I don't like steak, she's agreed to make me a taco for dinner. So things will be good.

Just found out that school is starting on the 17th (tomorrow) instead of a week later. My body is not ready.

Picture unrelated, but I needed a laugh so I looked at that. I made it for a friend who told me the 'why did the spy cross the road?' joke. Note the marvelous copy-paste skills I'm displaying there.

Feeling very sad today, my pet savannah monitor died.

Going to convert my sad feelings into the form of pugnacity and beat the living shit out of someone in TF2 with my Soldier.

There is nothing BETTER in the world than to have someone where you can write a SMS to and you know he CARES about you. (Even if it is just slighlty.)
Friday which was a bad day was a perfect example of this. (Streetrains coming to late, missing train, cranky athmosphere at home, not getting through to my mum despise me trying all three numbers, people who are just acting stupid and i don´t give a shit about other people and stupid guys which are talking to the side to me remembering me how much i despise them FOR FUCKS SAKE IT`S THE FRIGGING PAVEMENT! IT`S FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE WALKING! THERE WAS NO BIKEWAY THERE! I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO WALKED TOWARDS YOU! WELL I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THAN THERE AT ALL! AND I NEED TO GO OUT YOUR WAY? YOU GODDAMN CAN DRIVE AROUND ME! AND FOR CHRISTSAKE AFTER THE TRAFFICRULES YOU NEED TO DRIVE ON THE FREEWAY, YOU STUPID MORON! YOU DIDN`T EVEN RANG YOUR STUPID BELL! Oh yeah, how much i love the bicycledrivers. They never ring the bell.

Well it all ended up that i did have one free hour. I couldn´t believe how much it lifts the spirit than to look for presents for someone and thinking about what he would like and what not.

It´s HARD and can be a bit frustrating.

>>10277
And now she has a new boyfriend. I can feel my sanity straining to keep from snapping.

>>10295
Kumori, I am so very sorry to hear that. There's few things worse than the death of a pet... If you ever wanna share feeling shit or whatever, feel free to email me any time.

>>10299
I'm sorry about that, man. girl issues are always the worst. I know it's probably not going to do much to make you feel better right now, but love comes in all kinds of places, alright? Maybe that door closed, but it might have made another door open for you. There's no telling.

Also, it'd be really wise to stop telling yourself, "This year is the year I finally get a girlfriend!" because it's something that has a large amount of chance that you just can't control. The attitude is great, but I feel like you might be setting yourself up for disappointment, is all. What I think you should do is keep your eyes open, and your heart ready, but don't rush into anything too fast, because chances are, you'll regret it later on down the line.

I have no idea if this helped or not, but I felt like you needed SOMEONE to talk to. Good luck with everything, man - seriously.

>>10301
Thank you. I know it's not the best thing to tell myself that. I thnk I'm sort of back to my (admittedly not that great) normal emotional levels. It's just that no one outside of my family has ever loved me and for some reason I thought this might have been it. But it wasn't, so now I must carry on. Damn it.

> Put in tons and tons of effort
> Masks turn out GREAT

Feels SO FUCKING GOOD, MAN. The desire to post a big-ass smiley face is so fucking strong. That's how thrilled I am.

...but still four more to go.

Dancefag again.

So I got in a car accident. And that shit was SCARY.

I wasn't driving, my friend was. He was going about 35 (picking up speed) on the road while we had the right of way (green light and everything), when some faggot decides he can't wait two seconds for us to pass and makes an illegal turn onto our side of the road. We T-Boned him as a result.

No one was seriously hurt (I was hurt the most and had very, very minor injuries). A cop car was passing as this happened (saw the whole thing likely) so we had help pretty much immediately. During the impact I was jerked forward and the seatbelt hurt my collarbone and chest, so I went to the hospital to get an xray (mostly just some bruising and pulled muscles). The front of the car we were in was trashed, and the assclown on the other end had his tire blown off and the side all messed up. He got a court summons.

While waiting in the ER (lol hospitals) I updated my Facebook status describing what happened, I called the driver of the other car a faggot, and as a result got this long winded reply from my step-sister about how that term is offensive and how I shouldn't use it.

Really? Girl, I was in a fucking car accident, in physical pain, and strung out and nervous. I'm going to be a bit upset and not concerned with what insults I'm throwing out. She's super into LGBT issues (which I respect), and I know why it's offensive, but come on. My lesbian friend of all people wasn't even offended (stepsister is straight).

Worst of all, we were on our way to a halloween-themed dance and didn't get to go as a result. I mad!

Remember my cat? The one we thought was dying and drove halfway across the country to be told she wasn't?

Yeah, she's dying again. For real.

My housemates tell me to go home and see her, but I don't think I want to. I said everything I needed to the first time around, I think it'd just make things worse. So I'm gonna stay here and soldier on. I'll be fine eventually but it's going to be hard work.
I'm really worried about my mum, actually. She's currently housebound following an op on her feet and I think it's going to be really hard on her. But there's not a damn thing I can do from here and I don't have time to go home and look after her.
I wish I could just curl up into a ball and hibernate for a couple of weeks.