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No. 10707
I can't decide if my friends are awful people and I'm their punching bag or if they're really trying to help me but going about it in fucktarded ways.
I have cried four days in a row now because of things they said.
First instance was when a friend was having ab birthday. Nobody had been online and I thought they were all mad at me because I skipped a friend's birthday because he was turning 21 and I don't feel like being around drunk people. turns out the party was the day I asked and "Wow I am dumb"s were said and then I was asked why I skipped. I mentioned the not wanting to be around drunk people thing and threw in that the guy who was turning 21 had been nothing but a dickhole to me since he, another friend, and myself started working on costumes for a convention. He basically would make fun of me the way friends do every now and again. But it has persisted and is so constant that it no longer feels like joking.
Not even kidding, whenever I see this guy at school it's always: Hi, something mean that didn't need to be said, walk away. It gets old.
Now, I get why the friend I was talking to about this said "grow a pair and talk to him about it" because I do plan on doing so, but the fact that they said they didn't understand why I was getting upset at all and that I basically need to stop acting like a 6th grader is what really set me off. Maybe I am acting like a 6th grader, but the disregard for my feelings in this situation is what really irks me.
Now the next thing happened with regards to my friend's gaming channel. There's four "regular" people part of the team who record and stuff. I had asked (back when it was /announced/) if I could play the new Assassin's Creed when it came out for the channel. I was told yes, I got excited, moved on.
So I somehow got the game in the mail two days early. I don't know how, I'm not complaining. So I asked the friend who does most of the uploading, "When did you want me to record?" He then proceeded to tell me he did not feel like carting an Xbox around, how everybody has been asking him to record lately and it's getting annoying and no I don't want to deal with it.
He said this on a livestream, by the way, in front of two of our friends. One didn't really make any comments for a while and the other messaged me saying I should start my own channel if that's how it was going to be.
His gf talked to him later since, obviously if it pissed off two of our friends, it must be bad. He apparently said if anybody but the main four (keeping in mind he has let two other friends dick around in games and was just fine with it) wanted to record they'd have to pay him, plain and simple.
Now, this doesn't bother me because I didn't get to show off how bad I am at Assassin's Creed, it bothered me because I was excited to finally be included in something my friends were doing. I mean, nobody invites me over, nobody talks to me because nobody knows how to talk to each other and I literally spend my days holed up on my computer reading fics on here and laughing at stupid shit on youtube because I am just waiting for somebody to want to interact with me.
So the fact that I am being cut out once again is kind of sucky.
Girlfriend of gamer friend (who, by the way, was the first friend I mentioned) then proceeds to tell me everybody has been trying to be delicate with me lately because I seem so high strung, and because I am just so full of rage (which is joking about 90% of the time but nobody seems to get that).
What do you want me to fucking do? When have I seemed high strung or made lately? I'm mad right now, but that's because nobody is telling me anything other than what sounds like "Nobody wants to deal with you."
Then yesterday I spent most of the day in bed, crying of course, because I thought of how inconvenient I was to my friends and how much I just suck, and how if I didn't have a fear of death so bad I have panic attacks about it, I might have just tried something stupid. Because I am just sick of feeling like a useless sack of shit to everybody I know.
Then today, not even ten minutes ago, a friend told me this, out of the blue: "Listen Anon, I like you, and I consider you a pal. But lately, I've been worried. You are starting to remind me of [insert friend who fucked us all over here]. I don't want to see that happen. Lets kick it and have a chat sometime soon, eh?"
And now I'm sitting her crying and whining about it on tf2chan because I have spent all five of my years of being friends with these people trying my hardest to not turn into somebody to bitch and complain about or avoid, and especially not the one who made us all miserable.
And my own birthday party is in three days. Debating on cancelling it, because I don't want to potentially deal with them all pulling me aside and giving me a lecture on why I suck or why I need to fix myself.
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