My feelings right now?

"I TOTALLY called it!!!"

I don't wanna paaaaaint. Can't my masks just be done?

Just...go paint yourselves, masks. I have a hot date with my laptop.

no, just no. I have been tearing my hair out for about a week and a half now. dealing with stupid shit layered on stupid shit on a shit foundation. No more. I refuse to fucking care any more. There is nothing i can do anymore and I won't try. As of now, I give no fucks. I will sit down and sleep my ass off and play games. Fucks not given. fucks denied, and i feel so much better for it.

Trying to write.

Remembering how much I suck. Especially at openings.

Feels bad, man.

My boss wants me to give up my weekend internship so I can WORK WORK WORK more for her. I think she sees it also as a threat to keeping me on, I think.

Much as I like being full time employed, I had the internship long before I had the job, and I only need to put in 50 more hours to complete the internship.

Plus I'm totally leaving this job in about three more months to move to Kentucky

When will the therapy people call back.

When.

Lolita is officially the worst fandom I have ever been in. Never have I seen a bunch of adult women protesting SO VEHEMENTLY that they are not trying to be like 12-year-old girls while acting EXACTLY LIKE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. With the bitchiness and the pettiness and the Girl A said Girl B said something mean about me and someone else has been banned from Facebook and it must be Girl B and someone else posted a nasty secret about me and OH MY GOD HOW OLD ARE YOU.
I am seriously regretting getting into this fashion, and that makes me really, really sad. This would never happen in steampunk.

Computer broke, had to get an older one out of storage. Can't do shit.

Feels bad man.

>>10099
>Never have I seen a bunch of adult women protesting SO VEHEMENTLY that they are not trying to be like 12-year-old girls while acting EXACTLY LIKE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS

Ha ha ha, oh wow. I never paid much attention to that fandom, but it sounds insane. I'd pay good money to be a fly on the wall during one of those ladies' psychotherapy sessions.

I hate how my school/course of study has this unwritten standard that its students should look good. I'm one of the few (maybe less than 15 altogether) who aren't skinny, and I have the fashion sense of a doorknob. When I found out I had been accepted into the course (the best Mass Communications course in my country), I was happy but afraid of the peer pressure I'd be subjected to. Of course, I could just do my own thing and feel comfortable with myself, but I don't think I'm strong enough to bear with it for two and a half more years.

On a happier note, I received the pictured sewing pattern in the mail a few days ago. I want to learn how to sew, and having this in my possession sort of inspires me to do so.

I will admit when I am dressing like an english twelve year old. Those girls sounds like this is srs bsns. It is money wise because fifty pounds of lace costs a ton. otherwise, it's a hobby people, loosen up and let the sticks out.

I feel confused. My friend that I have had a crush on for years is back from far away college for a few days. I know she is probably going to want to spend this short time with her family. I can accept that. She said it would be better to spend time with her around Thanksgiving because she would be here longer then. We didn't really hangout outside of school anyway. I am feeling a mix of happiness that she is back, sadness from knowing that even if she suddenly did want to be more than friends it would have to be long distance, and she has already turned me down before due to "not being able to handle a relationship". I know that feeling, I would not have any idea how to have any kind of relationship, but for some reason that is all I want. Every year I tell myself "this will be the year you finally get a girlfriend" and it always turns out to be a lie. I don't like anyone here and they don't like me. And so I am always alone, communicating only with the previously mentioned friend and one other who is not relevant to this disscussion. My default mood is neutral with depression increasing throughout the day, so by now I am not feeling so great. I hate that I sound so whiney whenever I talk about this stuff.

I always tell my friends I'll be there if they need moral support. I always listen to their problems and offer advice without complaint. I always help them the best to my ability.

But I mention being upset, and the only person that even asks me why is a friend that I've never seen open up in her entire life, much less be serious about anything.

I guess, on the bright side, it was good to see that her quietness doesn't mean she doesn't care.

My girlfriend is at a con, so we've been out of contact for a whopping twenty four hours, and I'm already missing her pretty bad. That feels kind of pathetic, but I guess I'm used to talking to her on a near constant basis, even just through text. But I'm glad she's having fun.

I think the fact that the weather snapped really suddenly from blistering, sweltering summer to massive freezing rainstorms gave me an early burst of SAD or something. Spent a long time lying awake in bed not being able to keep a train of thought and not wanting to eat or do anything with myself...

Then I found out that D&D was indeed meeting and I had to get up and get prepared. I was still underprepared, but we had fun anyway, since we finally had the whole group back.

Need to be depressed less. Tomorrow night I go to the theatre to see Charley's Aunt, so I'm looking forward to that. And then Wednesday I'll be 27... so, ice cream will happen.

>>10099
Let's be nonstandard lolis together. I've been tired of the bitchiness since I got in. I mostly ignore it, and I'm lucky that my local comm isn't that bad save for a couple people.

Actually, there's a hanful of froo-froo girls on the chan altogether, we should make our own cattiness-free comm.

>>10111

You know, i already played with the idea to open a thread. I mean not about Loli or so, but rather something along Off-Topics Hobby asking helping thread. Because i noticed we have much knitexperiences folks around here and i like to knit, too, but i´m rather still new to it and i really can´t get the hang out of it, how to knit a muster into a scarf.

I don´t even know how to knit a scarf in a other pattern than the gardner stitch.
And internet did disappoint me greatly.

>TF2 lolis
Is it time to admit I once did loli!Medic? It was actually sort of boss.

>>10114
Tf2chan knitting circle would be amazing! I've just cast on my attempt at a stuffed Dalek. In the round, on dpns, with a lot of colourwork and shaping. It is probably going to be a disaster.
Also it's freezing in here, what is central heating?
(Captcha: "dashery, rlowwww". Whut. Now, I get excited about haberdashery, but I think that's a little too far.)

Haven't heard from that cosplayer basically since I first talked to him. I would like to believe he's just really busy, but I'm not sure that's the case. Sucks too, we had a lot of fun talking.

I want to be with someone so bad even though part of me knows that it just won't work out, or at least isn't possible for a long time. They'll probably find someone better than me by then.

I feel upset when I think about it which is pretty much every day. Why do things have to be so complicated?

I had a friend preach to me about how guys should never come in the way of friends. She finally got her first boyfriend and completely fucked with my emotions six ways from Sunday. I just got over a rejection, and I had to bear witness to the guy flirting with some chick for any entire evening while my friend fucked around with her boyfriend, completely ignoring me the entire night while I tried not to cry.

After all the emotional support I've fucking given her. Jesus Christ.

Jesus, where do I start?
It's been a while since I've been round because so much has happened to me. So I got married to an Englishman on August 2nd, and 22 days later he was diagnosed with a 95% probability of Testicular cancer. Because of the circumstances with his citizenship,my lack of money, and because of US charity organizations not wanting to treat fresh immigrants, he was forced to come back to his country to get the rapidly growing tumors removed. He could not get parole and made the woman at the immigration office cry when she told him he would not be allowed to come back because of the visa he was on, and now we have to start the immigration process over, and that it would take another 6 months before he could come and stay.
Because he couldn't stay in the States, I decided to go with him. I quit my job, packed my bags, missed a flight, and somehow managed to get to England.
Currently, I'm stuck in an English flat for 5 months unable to legally work, drive, or really do much of anything for myself.
I even had to borrow money from my parents to pay off my husbands ultra sound scans he got in the US before I left... I pride myself on being money wise, and on my ability to save and I haven't borrowed money since I was 18... It's weird how a disaster makes things change so quickly.

HE has had his surgery,and has recovered very well from it, and in 4 days will be told if he needs chemo treatments. He has about 2.5 feet of thick auburn hair that he's horrified of losing, and I'm not entirely sure how to give comfort for something like that.
But there it is. Now that I'm literally home-bound for the next 5 months, I will probably be allot more active.

This is easily the most life-changing and possibly the most tragic year of my short weird life.

>>10125
If it helps, my friend was stuck in a similar situation, money-wise. She took the time collecting garbage, making sculptures of it, and sold it online.
I'm not saying you have to do that, but there are lots of online career options out there, or you might be able to even get local under-the-table work, like babysitting.

knitting/sewing circles would be awesome. (I can't knit anything but a straight rectangle, myself... and I haven't done it in a while. I have been getting back into needlework, though)

There were three people I knew in the cast of the play I went to tonight, and they were all fabulous. So that's good. And getting out and going to the theatre helped alleviate my stress/depression that's been weighing me down the past couple days.

So I've decided to spend some of my earlier savings on clothes, bought a neat military styled coat, a few vests, a few black shirts, few pairs of pants and two pairs of shoes. This cost me roughly 800. And yet there were jackets which cost over 1k and that was in a regular store!
And I agree with >>10103, in this private school almost everyone is from upper middle class, and paying 4k for a set of Apple products is probably nothing for them.
I feel inadequate for wearing the same clothes for a few days in a month (although thank god, I'm not the only one and people are generally nice there, I've already made friends with some of them).

Dealing with a mother who's got manic depression and mild Asperger's day in day out is incredibly taxing.

Went to a university open day today with the whole family. Mistake. Before we even get there she's confrontational in the car, working the entire family into a rage during the hour and a half drive to the university. We try to be patient with her, but by the time we get to the university she storms off and we don't see her for another three hours. (She told us she was off to go "throw herself onto the train tracks". She has done this before, many a time, but it's still incredibly worrying every time it happens.) As soon as she comes back to us, I apologise for whatever it was I did that made her angry, which brings on a whole rant about "why the fuck are you so self-accusatory? Do you have some sort of inferiority complex or something? GAWD, I have no idea where you got that from, you little bitch" which is completely ridiculous because I know exactly where I got that inferiority complex from that's been debilitating me my whole life and it's you, and everyone around can see it, you fucking whore, and--

*deep breaths*

Well, needless to say, this kind of behaviour from her is completely normal, but it annoys me that she's allowed to have her mood swings and yell and shout at whoever the fuck she likes whether she knows them or not, while I (inheriting the manic-depressive goodness as well) have to stay prim and proper at all times. And they wonder why I don't talk to them. I've got a fucking tidal wave of words waiting for them behind a dam, about to fucking explode, except it's being held back because the last time I explained to them that I was depressed it made my mum angry at me for being so "weak-willed" which made my dad mad and looking at it from this perspective my family's actually quite fucked up.

I can't wait to get to uni.

I'm the forever alone Swing Dancer from the last thread. I just wanted to tell you guys that your words helped, and I am in a better place now. Last weekend my parents visited me, and though the resulting talks were a bit painful they did help me a lot. I still have a lot of the insecurities and bad feelings, but I'm happier now.

So I'm going to talk about dancing, because it gives me so much joy and makes for fun storytimes.

So my college's swing dance club meets once a week. It's the beginning of the semester so we have a lot of new people, but have been getting a very good turnout and regulars (in the past people would show up for one session and not come back).
So because there's a lot of new people, I'm one of the more skilled members, but I'm patient with people in general. Besides we have fast learners and the club president has short lessons each time.
But then there's this ONE GUY. He takes the cake for the worst lead I've ever had. I don't know what it is, I try to instruct him and lead him in the right direction, but he can't even do the East Coast basic, let alone Lindy Hop. He's got the most stiff, awkward movements I've ever experienced in a dancer, and I've danced with awkward as fuck people. He's like a ball-jointed doll who's afraid his limbs might pop out of their sockets. Posture and proper tension in the arms is important, but there is no place for stiffness in swing (this isn't ballroom, after all).

I Tried telling this guy that he needs to place his weight on the balls of his feet so he has a bounce in his step (THIS IS SUPER GODDAMNED IMPORTANT HOLY SHIT). This is how the conversation went:

"Okay, so jump for me three times. Do you feel how the weight is on the balls of your feet? And how your knees are bent? That's how you want to be."

He stands on his toes "like this?"

"No, you don't want to stand on your toes, but you do want your weight shifted forward."

Still standing on his toes, bobbing up and down awkwardly. At this point I grab a really experienced dancer and ask for help, since he's helped me with my own shit in the past.

Awkward guy is still on his toes. "she told me to stand like this."

We ran out of time before the experienced dancer could explain everything (awkward guy didn't want help, kept saying he could do it on his own), because it was the last song of the evening. I have no idea how to even handle this situation. I generally like instructing people, but this guy man.


Also, fuck Buffalo's schizophrenic weather. It was in the 90s for the first few weeks, mild, then cold and dreary and rainy for another week, and now it's back to being hot again.

If I could, I would send all of my friends who have problems the most courage and luck that there is in the world to go out there, kick those problems in their stupid faces, force them to watch Jersey Shore, kick them off a cliff, catch them in a bucket, kick them off a cliff again, dance around their corpse and then have a drink on their graves.

I can't, sadly. Aw man.

So, in all seriousness: Never forget that I'm willing to listen to your problems, give my advice and cheer you up, but I can't fix your problems for you. I'm not a professional, Jesus or Powdered Toast Man. So no matter how nicely I might be able to pat you on your shoulders, you gotta be tigers and face your issues. You can do it, guys. Face that bitch called life! Give it your most hardcore uppercut! And when you need a rest and some encouragement, I will be your coach at the ring corner, massaging your shoulders and giving you a drink.

There, had to get that out.
You can do it, guys.

>>10119
Dude's computer was just f'd up. I am feeling better about this now.

I am feeling much worse about other shit. I am starting to worry that I'm not going to be able to find a job here in the US that won't make me want to tear my own eyes out. I just finished an overly-long application to some fucking defense contractor and I feel totally drained. Ugh. All I want to do is make vidya. Is that so much to ask?

Once my thesis is done (which is a whole other source of pain), I'm going to start looking in Canada. I hear the economy is less fucked up there.

I miss my boy right now more than I think I've ever missed anyone, ever. Since I went off to university there've been 106 miles between us, and I feel like every one of them is crowded inside my head, sitting on the happy bit of my brain and kicking me mentally whenever I'm alone. I don't know how to deal with this, as I've never felt anything like it before, ever. We're not even that serious - sure, we're snuggly, and we fuck (a LOT), and we sit under a duvet and drink hot chocolate and watch Doctor Who (the phrase I came up with to describe our relationship was 'Partners Without Detriments', instead of 'Friends With Benefits' - geddit?) but I really don't feel comfortable admitting to people I know just how mind-numbingly much I miss him. Every time I think about him I get a surge of affection, then a boot to the throat about how out-of-arms-reach he is.

*sigh*

We both have our own lives, and I can't just ask him to take a two and a half hour coach ride every time I'm feeling lonely. But in this new city of mine, where I know so few people, hearing about his nights out and the fun he's having just cripples me inside.

I don't know what to do, really. I'm not seeing him for another 19 days.

Sitting in a college class that I don't really hate but don't really want to be in. I'm in it for the hours really and I sit here board out of my skull most of the time.
What I really want is an RP partner. I lost my pc some months ago and lost touch with the few I had. I came back and one or two had moved on and the other dropped off the face of the earth.
The ones that had moved on, the interests between us had changed.
I've posted in the RP board here and am just waiting on someone to take a chance on me.

Feeling pretty mad today. I'm mad, bro.

>>10147

>get on the feelings thread to bitch about silly things
>see this post
>feel immensely better and tackle the last part of this essay

Thanks, Perry.

I realize I am shitty at Tf2, but when someone invites me to play for your little comp. team, last minute, when all I've ever done is derp around as a Pyro, you don't have to remind me how much I suck. I'm only there as a favor, because you need someone extra. I never claimed to be good. I never even asked to play. So stop telling me to spycheck every five seconds. I know I have to. I've been doing it. Right at this moment I can't. I just got mowed down by a Heavy. I'll do it when I come back. Calm your balls, pal.

The above. Why I will never play competitive gaming. Ever.

Put me in a bad fucking mood now. I was going to paint some more masks but now I can't, because I'm angry, and I'll just fuck them up, so I'll do it tomorrow, because it's late anyway.

Other feelings:
Masks. Fucking finish yourselves. I have to find $2500 worth of props. I don't have time for your shit.
And we still don't have a lead costumer, and there's nothing I can do, but it just makes me feel even more unprepared, and like everything is just spiralling out of control, and I can't find my fucking bilingual copy of Waiting For Godot, and it's my favourite, and I know it's SOMEWHERE, but I have no fucking clue where.

And I am sorely tempted to pop an Ativan, but no. I am better than that. (I'm not saying anyone that takes Ativan is lesser than me, of course) I can deal with my stress on my own. I know I can, and I know it is hard, but I will fucking do it because I need to have some goddamn control in my life.

Fuck.

And I'm on that last day of my period where my snatch feels like it's made of sandpaper.

I'm having a very bad day. Which is sad, because it was 20 degrees Celsius today, and that never happens at this time of year.

Feeling pretty bad man, pretty bad. Don't mind me as I just crawl under this couch n' hide.

>>10166
Just came on the chan at 5AM all sleepdeprived and depressed ... So I could find someone liking my feeble try at motivational writing and support?

Aw man ... That makes me so insanely happy I don't even.
You are awesome!

>>10167
Im sorry some ass wipe kept blasting you in the game Iz, but before you start to tell people what an asshole said person is, make sure you get the person right. Telling someone close to me how much of a cunt I am is not cool, especially when I added you afterwards to apologise for the other person bein such a wide case, which you not only delete but then put me on your ignore list. Thanks for that.

>>10168
If anyone deserves it, it's you. Here - and take a cookie to sooth you on your way.

>>10171
I never put you on my ignore list. I just hit Deny on the invite. If it went to ignore list then something went wrong, because I never told it to do that.
And a very large part of me is still certain that it was you. If it wasn't, and I am wrong, and it genuinely was someone else, then I apologize to you, and I am sorry if I hurt you. I am in a very bad place right now, emotionally, and a part of me is trying to prevent me from feeling the sadness by making me feel the anger instead. I know I should just keep crying, and let it pass, and get the fuck over it, but it's hard for me.

I am sorry. If it helps, I'm not going back there (this whole experience has soured me against Tf2 almost entirely, now), and the chances of us ever interacting again are slim to nil, so there's that, at least.

>>10173
Thats the thing though lass, I want to interact with you again because I do like ya, and yer a friend of my super awesome (who is also totally hot) acquaintance 2Ref. I added you to apologise cause the guy in question was such an ass to ya, and maybe ask if ye wanted me to coach ya a little bit, or jump in some games together so we could wreck shit and improve together. heck, I was one of the ones beggin ya to stay and tellin the other guy to get of yer case lass.

I'm also sorry though. Ye mentioned me by name to a few peeps and denied me a chance to say anythin to ya, and Ill admit, THAT got me a bit heated cause I felt I was bein buggered without the chance to correct ya. So Im sorry I got so peeved, though I assure ya, that screamer wasn't me.

>>10174
I accept your apology, thank you for it, and offer my own. I don't recall anyone other than the two people who invited me there defending me, or asking me to stay, but then I was emotional, and upset, and overtired, so again, entirely possible I didn't hear you. Your mic is rather low, if I remember correctly, as well. I had to strain to hear you any time you talked.

It still bothers me, when people claim to like me when they don't know me at all, but whatever. If you want, I can add you to Steam, and we can converse sometime when I'm not upset to the point of vomiting (Oh well, I needed to shed a few pounds from Thanksgiving Dinner anyway), since you claim to be on my block list. That is a brain scratcher, though. I've never blocked anyone in my life. I'll deny requests, especially if I don't know the person, but I know I didn't block you, because I never do that. It's weird.

Again: I'm sorry, I'm an emotional wreck for the first time in my life, I can't find my fucking favourite copy of Godot, and you typing out your accent makes me smile a little everytime for some reason, so I can't really stay too TOO upset.

I still need an Ativan, though. FML.

>>10175
We know each other a lil more than I think ye realise, I reply a decent amount to ya, and by yer attitude her on the chan and the odd game we end up sharin, yer a groovy chick to hang with, and I was meaning to add ye before tonight, but Im... lazy, ye ken?

Hope ye feel better soon though, don't worry, ye caught Microphone on a bad night I guess, he was a sub as well I believe, comp (especially Team Gee) isn't usually that ragey.

>>10176
I honestly only vividly remember you from the camwhore thread, because of the kilt. Not it in itself, but just because for a moment, I thought we had the same family tartan (so for a moment, I was all 'OMG I'M RELATED TO SOMEONE ON THE CHAN'). When I zoomed, though, the colours were all different, so it was all for naught. (My clan is fucking huge, though, so it wouldn't have surprised me).

It pleases me that you consider me a groovy chick, though. I shall add you when my computer stops trying to tell me to update things I don't have.

New feeling: I hate it when my computer tries to tell me to update things I don't have.

ALSO. My captcha is 'Godot issedLi'. It's just mocking me now.

  >>10177
It ain't my family tartan, so there is still a chance, what's yer clan title?
Also, service with a smile?

>>10178
Wrong Godot, but thank you for trying. Hehe.

UGH, though. I KNOW I had the book home from University, and it's not in any of my bookcases.
I'm probably going to go to the theatre company tomorrow, and find it stuck under a chair or something.

Clan's Murray. I've been told our Tartan's the Atholl one, which has green and blue like the one you wore in those pics, but they're brighter, and the pattern's more compacted.

>>10180
I have Murray blood on my father's side, but Im mainly of the O'Donnell clan myself, and whilst I don't have the Atholl tartan, I do have a kilt with the Tullibardine Tartan.

So I don't know if Kilo saw this or not. Welp, here it is again.

Funny how I originally made this for Kilo, but now it pretty much accurately portrays how I feel about most of the chan. Like, 95%.

Maybe I'm just feeling really lovey for no reason. IDK.

Drawn in Paint with my crappy laptop mouse. +4001 carpal tunnel

>>10195
Didn't you also say that 95% of the board was also Poontah?

>>10196
I sure did. That's the part of the chan I like most, obviously.

>>10188
Neato. I should do some work on ancestry.com or whatever sometime. Find out more about my roots. I mean, it's neat that I know my clan and my tartan in Scotland and stuff (and I'd like to know more, honestly), but that's just my dad's Scottish side. I know nothing of his Irish side, and I know very little about my mom's side of the family, past the fact that we've been in Canada for over six generations. Some day I will learn things.

Oh yeah. Feelings.
I found some nice varnish for the masks, and it makes them pop just great. And I had a 50% off coupon, so it makes me feel even better.
And so far, my Orson the wild man mask hasn't completely fallen apart, so I'm wary, but still pleased. But dreading the feather work.

I really wish I could make a career out of this. Mask making is fun.

>>10204

I'm a Morrison, but I'm unaware of any of our history. My family have lived in the Lowlands for generations and we're not too fond of the Highlanders/anyone north of Stirling/those fuckers on the islands, which are the only Scots people care about, ha.

Went to class even though I'm sick, forget my wallet and return home to get it after my first class. I drive back to college then drive around for 20 minutes trying to find a parking space so I can get to my next class only to keep barely missing an open spot (One was stolen!). Finally get a compact space only to have a bump on the side of my car hit the brake light of the guy parked next to me, tearing it out. I put it back in, tape it, and leave my number. Then a friend texts me that my class had been canceled! I wish I woulda stayed home. I also forgot to take a picture dang it. Now I'm nervously awaiting their call.

I feel miserable. Today started out pretty okay then just got worse and worse. I got a flat tire this morning so i couldn't get to work, and my mom was pissed at ME for some reason because of it and started lecturing the shit out of me about doing al of my responsibilities.

Then I found out that the college I was planning to go to for Spring suddenly withdrew my housing deposit (that was, like, $250) and slapped on a huge $450 fee for breaking my commitment or some shit and didn't even tell me or email me about this ahead of time. Not only did I lose my deposit and get stuck having to pay the huge-ass fee (and I don't even know what it's for!), I have to make ANOTHER deposit to secure my place in housing aagain.

And my fucking mom isn't helping a damn bit. She just sits there and berates me for all this like I wanted it to fucking happen, and is all, "Well, you got yourself into this, now get yourself out."

Fuck you. You said you'd help me with all this college bullshit, and you haven't done anything You can rot in a fucking ditch.

Fuck that. Fuck all of this. If I could ragequit on life I would.

I'm... I want to say Stewart, through my dad's side, and I can't remember my mom's side... I just remember her side of the family has less Scottish heritage so it's distant/thin, which is probably why I don't remember. Her side's got a lot of everything, my dad was more straight up Scottish and German.

(Kind of contemplating getting into ancestry stuff, but it's a slippery slope... I already like researching stuff way too much, that could suck me in like crazy...)

All right. Tomorrow morning, by the time I wake up, I will be 27. Tonight my mom's taking me to buy ice cream and chocolate cereal (and I've got to deposit a check).

I have reached the point in my life where, on the one hand, I do feel trepidation about the passing of time and the inevitability of age and its ravages, but I'm still young (or at least immature) enough to really want cake and presents every year...

Have to write my grandma to tell her I spent the birthday money she sent on embroidery stuff-- I think she'd approve of that. If it's a book or something related to an 'industrious' hobby I feel like she would, whereas I'm probably too old for her to smile on my buying toys.

(Then again, she collects dolls, so... she probably wouldn't be too judge-y. She's not really a judgmental woman, but she lived through the great depression, single motherhood in the fifties, the death of her husband and one of her sons, and cancer, so I kind of always feel like I should be making choices she'd approve of... There are not many people I know who are smarter or tougher.)

I don't want to be here any more.
I'm so tired.
Stop leaving.
I can't think.

I should not be failing quizzes in a class for no other reason than the fact that you can't use a wireless connection to connect to the college website. I have no other option (EVEN THE CAMPUS COMPUTERS ARE WIRELESS) so I keep getting locked out of the quizzes. That's absolute bullshit.

The only reason I haven't gotten into the lolita fashion is because I get mistaken for a preteen on a regular basis, and I'm worried it'd make me look even younger.

I have no college classes tomorrow and my dad is calling bullshit (because apparently I can't have a teacher seminar day, I'm just trying to skip). He called me at nearly 3 am to scream at me about it. My boyfriend's also coming in to go shopping with me, presumably so we can get NYCC props. I've never had a "real" boyfriend before (and the person I did have hurt me badly), so I'm admittedly scared to fall in love with him, even though he's really nice.

>>10209

Me and you should chat, bruv. My mum's a major history buff, so she's passed on a lot of stuff to me.

(ps scotland sucks you don't wanna visit)

Same deal as a few days ago, sitting in a college class doing nothing. it's not that the teacher is a bad teacher, but it's one of those "teach yourself" class that she just sits in on...this is seriously the boring class I've ever taken.
I don't think I'll take one of these "teach yourself" ever again. Easy A but boring as hell >.<

>>10218
No no, visit! So long as ye don't spend ALL yer time in the towns and that, Scotland is great.

>>10216
Lolita isn't so much looking younger as it is how you carry yourself. Yes, you'll be frilled out like a porcelain doll, but if you counteract that saccharine sweetness by holding yourself with grace, people won't assume you're younger just because of it. Trust me on this one, I get regularly mistaken for being up to six years younger than I actually am, but that's never happened to me in Lolita just because of bearing.

Of course, it applies to classic and bittersweet and nearly every other substyle, but if you're going for more OTT sweet then the regal bearing trick doesn't fly.

Fuck you, Mr. director. The masks are fucking shiny enough. They don't need goddamn glitter. And have you ever put glitter on paper mache? IT IS FUCKING HARD. FUCK YOU. I'M NOT DOING IT.

If he hadn't saddled me with these bitches AND the entire props responsibility, I could do it, but as it stands, I'm busy, so what you get is what you get. Suck it up, pal.

Also. Still can't find Godot. Feels bad, because I wanted to re-read it for the millionth time before French class tonight.

Pretty much everything which goes through my mind in the last days... (i just want to wrote them somewhere down)

I fail at life. Okay?
No, like really. I really doubt that i will EVER somehow be grown up and get all my shit together and all. Today was a PERFECT example. And sometimes such things can happan but i fell like i let someone down. Which is utter BULLSHIT, because this is my life. I don´t feel like i let myself down, but that i did disappoint OTHERS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

And i frigging know why i´m a bit besides me... and why are my thoughts spinning in circles and biting each others in the tail like two rabid dogs? And why i´m hundred percent sure that what everyone forecasted and what i deep down knew will happen? Why don´t i have some sense of SELFWORTH? Why do i, my WHOLE life see myself as someone who will...?

And i´m sad and angry, because i know the solution and i would do that anytime but...

I still have hope okay? I still have this glimmer of hope and this wish and ...
It is no ones fault, except mine. Because i let it happen in the first place. Because i´m goddamn stupid and i´m so fucking emotional. And i try to get it under control by not showing, but it all pools together and than it´s like a BOMB and it explodes and if it happens than i can´t say it why, because it´s showing WEAKNESS, which it is, because i should controll it better and...
I´m telling these things on the WRONG places like here. No one gets what i´m talking about, but i don´t want that someone knows, but to the same time i want that someone knows and...

I don´t want pity.

(And all the while this one songs plays in my head, which makes me not more sad but let´s me feel rather pathetic.)

Okay. This has officially just been a really bad week in the way of schoolwork. Bombed an exam, realized a big part of my sculpture project isn't going to work, got locked out of a quiz because of the stupid website but had to fail it because I got locked out about two hours from the due date.

But you know what? Both the exam and the quiz can be dropped - both of those classes let students drop their lowest grade. And I can figure something else out with the sculpture project.

And that research paper for theater class was beast.

> Write subtle satire
> Post it to the chan
> One person just sees the Mary-Sue fic
> One actually sees the satire

Feels INCREDIBLE, man.

>>10105
So I told her that I still have feelings for her, and while she still feels afriad to trust anyone, we have both opened up to eachother quite a bit. She is hesitant to try a long distance relationship because the last 2 guys cheated on her. I tried to get her to understand that I despise cheaters/cheating. So now I am just trying to get her to trust me gradually. But it is all going much better than I expected, we are closer than we have ever been (but not distance wise unfortunately), and now for the first time in quite a while I am starting to be actually happy.

>>10227

May I refer you to >>10195?

I have this tendency to get really close to anyone who actually puts in time or effort to get to know me or treat me with respect,

>>10238
(hit reply too early)

without actually having romantic/sexual feelings for them, so if a fight breaks out, I'm always really scared to lose them, and a person I used to be friends with told a friend of ours that I was acting like we were a couple breaking up.

I said something stupid to her without realizing it was stupid, she was very deeply hurt, I apologized profusely, which may have unintentionally made it worse, and now it's been months and I'm terrified to talk to her again.

>>10220

Lemme rephrase that. Everywhere outside of Edinburgh sucks.

Birthday went better than expected-- my family took me to a new restaurant in town, and not only was it fabulous, it was surprisingly cheap. Our minds were boggled, we were expecting to pay twice what we did.

THEN, Penn and Teller Tell a Lie was on the TV, so I got my P&T fix while I started cross stitching a zombie.

Also, the cats go crazy if you throw a balled up piece of wrapping paper for them. I'll have to pick it all up later, though...

Re Scotland; Someday. Someday. (Someday I want to go just about everywhere, honestly, but Scotland's the place outside the US where I have the most roots...)

Re everything else: all my hugs for everyone.

>>10239
Do eet. If she hasn't just removed ye from her friends list, it means that at least part of her still wants ye there, and if ye have nae talked in so long then what have ye got to lose? No need to talk about anything super serious, just ease the friendship back up to the point it used to be at.

If ye like, ye can add me as well if ye need someone to talk to. My steam id is Donstheman, just add me and Ill bell ye back.

>>10231
Haters gonna hate Iz. Haters gon hate.

Oh right. Current feelings. Uh..

Sort of feeling like a snarky bastard. If the boss asks me to work this weekend again* I'm just going to say no. Or if she canoodles me into saying yes, I'm going to break my own leg so I won't have to go in. The money, man, and all, but these seven day work weeks with sudden cancelations of weekend get togethers everywhere is draining as fuck.

*Ordinarily, I'd say FUCK YEAH OVERTIME, but my boss has hired me semi-illegally as an 'independent consultant" (read: I don't want to pay taxes for hiring an assistant.) Kids, when you go out into the real world to find a job, remember this isn't a raw deal if you're really hit up for cash, but you basically have no worker's rights; ie, a right to a break or a right to a day off, and you can kiss time and a half or whatever right the goodbye.

And if a ladder falls on you, your boss will drag you into the street and claim it happened out there, regardless of the amount of gore in the building.

I've always wanted to visit my relatives in Ireland, myself. My grandmother went with her senior group a year or two ago, and she had the time of her life there, but I want to go from a more spiritual standpoint. I want to go to Newgrange, The Ring of Kerry and places like that.

But then I realize that I have no money and I'm becoming a teacher, so the only time I might get to go to Ireland would be somewhere around twenty years from now at the earliest, and even then I'd only get to go in the summer.

No good can come of posting this in a thread that has already been derailed, so let's allow this to hinge on my feelings.

I'm going to try and untangle my confusion by describing what I see.

>implying
>implying
>IMPLYING IMPLYING IMPLYING

Is it just me or is everyone misreading everyone else, taking things completely the wrong way, and getting progressively more panty-twisted about it?

And we wonder where everyone went. This may sound strange, but this little corner of the universe is one of the last places I would expect usually rational people to get so... dramatic. It's disheartening. I really don't understand where all of this is coming from; it's pretty much, to me, a mountain out of a molehill.

>>10255
>Implying TF2chan is any different than any place else on the internet.

Sorry, couldn't help pointing that out.

Everyone's gonna make me out to be the enemy by default since I'm a mod so I really don't have anything to say since someone, somewhere will take it wrong and get their feelings hurt. I'm apathetic at this point.

>Use parent's PC since someone's on mine.
>Find out dad has a dA! account now.
>The word 'hentai' pops up on URL suggestions.
>Dad is the only one who looks for stuff like webcomics on this comp.

FML. I DO NOT NEED TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT. Also, the reason why I have a second browser which always wipes the history when it's closed.

>>10262
Ugh, I know that feel. I set my dad up with Chrome a while ago. Went to use his computer because mine wasn't working, and his entire top eight most visited were various porn sites.

if people are starting to get pissy, because of someone different and let it out on me.

Because i´m used to it.

Today was a not so great day from the start. Family was stressed therefore trying to find one outlet for their aggression. Sometimes it´s me than. If i than get a BIT pissed on, you can understand why, don´t you?

But mostly i sit there and i´m all: Calm your nevers everything is going to be okay. To which i once heard: I don´t get you I DON`T CARE ATTITUDE BY THIS!

I need to ask you: would it be better if i would be angry like you? Would it help, if i run around angry? Would it help, if i start yelling at you, if i´m frustrated? No not at all.

So i did what i could do now against the german bureacracy and welp. I just can wait now.

Got a mail about this one Jobinterview. Missed the termin got a question if i want to have a other Interview. Said i´m not there around this time. Got the mail i don´t get the job.... after i had a interview (which i never had).
Nothing against my person, blah, blah. Oh please i know i was not the best model, but after running around for one hour in the rain getting completly lost and soaked through makes no one really happy to go smily face. Getting than confronted with my social awkardness... It was horrible. I fialed. COMPLETLY.

Well didn´t really like the firm either, still it stings.

I have now a cup of tea to calm down. And some liquor to make me a bit happy.

Depression ahoy.

I feel so goddamn overwhelmed, and it's not anything but what I've done to myself. I'm half-way through a six-day work week (which isn't unusual), but I'm working all nights, which is unusual. Working nights isn't so bad, but then I have a tendency to sleep the day away and I have several assignments I would like to complete before the due date so I have time for other things.

The 17th I have to give a presentation a stranger wrote for me and I have to make it feel natural, and I also have an essay due, but I just finished it. The 19th I have to correct 20 press releases and make sure they are actually fit for press, the 21-23 I will be across the country while the corporation I work for thinks it would be great fun to demand all the photo labs host a free photo shoot for children's Halloween costumes (with what resources??? They didn't send us a bench or backdrop, and we must use our own personal cameras). On the 24th a stranger has to give a presentation that I wrote for them, as well as my advertising midterm, and my advertising campaign for is due for presentation on the 30th. November 4-5 I will be gone again for family time and the 11-12 I'm running guest liaisons at a convention and I'm hosting a panel, and I need to finish two cosplay because my current ones are not fit for winter.

So all the paperwork and nonsense I'm trying to get done tonight (I'm about 10% of the way through) and I'm already exhausted. But work is work and it must be done, so I'm going to cowgirl-up and do it.

I have a whole 'nother issue about job-work, but I'm even going to touch that one tonight. I just needed someplace to piss and moan and recoup.

The pros about working at a haunted house: I can wear my own classic Lolita instead of old trailer costumes, I get to scare the ever loving crap out of people, and it's a lisence to be crazy around people.

The cons about working at a haunted house: people think it's the best idea ever to get totally piss-ass drunk and then go through and have to be followed by a techie, I'm no longer used to wearing my corset that long so my hips hurt when I take it off, I get home at ass o'clock in the morning because we all go out for food afterwards, and it's keeping me from seeing Scoutpapa on our normal times.

Not to mention that I like supporting my old school's arts, and tomorrow night is marching band homeshow, but I have to miss it because money is good.

GHHHHRRFFFFFHUUUURRRRGGG

The above is one of the many sounds I was making while molding today's mask. I fucking HATE making noses. I really, really do. Friday better turn out absolutely great when he's finished, or I will just be mad that I went to so much effort.

Also, I don't think people like my serious writing style. At all. I knew I should have just gone with the ridiculous derpy stuff I used to write in high school. It's godawful, and I hadn't even heard of subtext or satire, or anything even remotely literary, but it makes people laugh. No offense to chan members, of course (I know they aren't all like this, after all), but it seems like many of them just want to read, and not to think about what they read, and that makes me sad, because that's all I ever do, is think.
So yeah. Next fic will probably suck out loud in my eyes, but will make others ROFL. I'll want to stab myself in the brain with a pencil, but I may be accepted by my peers.

...I'm starting to see why so many writers are suicidal.

>>10236
She told me I am not her type and she does not share my feelings. Never before have I felt such crushing depression.

Period starts day after birthday.

Start coming down with cold day after that.

Lovely. Guess I'll be miserable for a couple of days. I have so much crap to get done, too...

And having a cold plus asthma makes it really hard to breathe at night sometimes... guh. I have to have a fan on all the time or else I feel like I'm suffocating, which is fine when it's hot but annoying when it gets cold.

I feel terrible that my brother's girlfriend is having car trouble, because they were supposed to head up to NYCC. I hope it cooperates today, so they can go and take lots of pictures for me .

In other news, the costume manager for the haunted house is a visiting nurse and has a live-in shift from tonight all the way through Monday. She left me in charge of costumes. Here's hoping I don't screw anything up.

SO MANY THREADS.

SO MANY THREADS

WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY

ALL I HAVE IS MY ONE LITTLE TINY LITTLE STORY AND YOU HAVE LIKE TEN THOUSAND THAT EVERYBODY LOVES

HOW DO I COMPETE WITH THAT

FUCK

/depressionforeverplz

Spoiler tagged for baw-angst. I know, I know. Nobody cares.

>>10285
I understand, but remember everyone loves your thread too!

Nothing more awkward than running into a friend I fell out of contact with. Don't want to be evil, but I have no idea how to talk to them anymore, and might not even want to out of sheer awkwardness. We've been out of contact for maybe 8 years. Fuck, I need to leave the city.

Fuck yeah, new computer! Now to play all the game I want without worrying about loss of frame rate thanks to a good graphics card and 8 GB or RAM.

Bad stuff first to get them out of the way:

I really, really hate it when blood gushes out of me every time I sneeze. That one's spoiler-tagged because it's kind of... kind of TMI in an unsavory way?

Haven't needed Ativan for so long that I don't know where the pill bottle is, but started having minor panic attacks the last couple days and would like to be able to take it again so that my chest doesn't hurt all the time. If I don't caffeinate myself, then I get asthma chest pains, but too much caffeine helps set off the physical symptoms that correspond to my panic attacks, so I'm also leery of that... ugh.

And of course I have weird unfounded guilt issues where I feel bad about things I logically know I have no business feeling guilt over because no rational person would ever blame me for them. But because I can't fix everything, I heap abuse on myself... sigh.

BUT THE GOOD FEELINGS NOW! TO WASH AWAY THE TASTE OF MY ANGST!

Sweeney Todd just opened over at the community theatre! Our season tickets are for the first Saturday, so my mom and I had a lovely time.

When she was in college, both her sisters went to see a performance, and then went back several times, and when they described the show to her, she was baffled as to why they liked it and why they thought she would, but of course, Sondheim, and every aspect of the show was excellent, so she did love it, if not as much as I did.

(Also, the Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett were a RL married couple, so for all the messed up-edness of the characters, it's quite cute seeing them together after the show, and they both have FANTASTIC voices. She was Marguerite when we went to see The Scarlet Pimpernel and decided we had to get season tickets. The actor playing Toby had been the same guy who played her brother in Pimpernel, which amused me. And then it turned out that a friend of mine was running the spot and was in charge of bringing the big red lights up at all the crucial moments. So it was nice seeing her again, and I found out she goes to my mom's church!)

And, while not perhaps so exciting as live theatre, Duck Soup was 50% off at Barnes and Noble's today (60% off, us being members...), so I got one of my all-time favourite movies. Haven't had it since we had it on VHS... and we got rid of most of our tapes so long ago.

And the cats have been quite sweet and silly lately. So all in all, I'm feeling like the good is balancing the bad out pretty well.

I hate when my mom wakes me up at quarter to eleven, thinking my production meeting is at 11:30, when it's at 12:30, and then INSISTS that I told her 11:30. NO I DIDN'T. WHY WOULD I? IT'S ALWAYS BEEN 12:30! RAH. GO MAKE ME A TACO, WOMAN.

Yeah, I'm a bit cranky from sleeping less than I hoped to, but because she's making steak for her and my dad tonight, and she knows I don't like steak, she's agreed to make me a taco for dinner. So things will be good.

Just found out that school is starting on the 17th (tomorrow) instead of a week later. My body is not ready.

Picture unrelated, but I needed a laugh so I looked at that. I made it for a friend who told me the 'why did the spy cross the road?' joke. Note the marvelous copy-paste skills I'm displaying there.

Feeling very sad today, my pet savannah monitor died.

Going to convert my sad feelings into the form of pugnacity and beat the living shit out of someone in TF2 with my Soldier.

There is nothing BETTER in the world than to have someone where you can write a SMS to and you know he CARES about you. (Even if it is just slighlty.)
Friday which was a bad day was a perfect example of this. (Streetrains coming to late, missing train, cranky athmosphere at home, not getting through to my mum despise me trying all three numbers, people who are just acting stupid and i don´t give a shit about other people and stupid guys which are talking to the side to me remembering me how much i despise them FOR FUCKS SAKE IT`S THE FRIGGING PAVEMENT! IT`S FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE WALKING! THERE WAS NO BIKEWAY THERE! I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO WALKED TOWARDS YOU! WELL I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THAN THERE AT ALL! AND I NEED TO GO OUT YOUR WAY? YOU GODDAMN CAN DRIVE AROUND ME! AND FOR CHRISTSAKE AFTER THE TRAFFICRULES YOU NEED TO DRIVE ON THE FREEWAY, YOU STUPID MORON! YOU DIDN`T EVEN RANG YOUR STUPID BELL! Oh yeah, how much i love the bicycledrivers. They never ring the bell.

Well it all ended up that i did have one free hour. I couldn´t believe how much it lifts the spirit than to look for presents for someone and thinking about what he would like and what not.

It´s HARD and can be a bit frustrating.

>>10277
And now she has a new boyfriend. I can feel my sanity straining to keep from snapping.

>>10295
Kumori, I am so very sorry to hear that. There's few things worse than the death of a pet... If you ever wanna share feeling shit or whatever, feel free to email me any time.

>>10299
I'm sorry about that, man. girl issues are always the worst. I know it's probably not going to do much to make you feel better right now, but love comes in all kinds of places, alright? Maybe that door closed, but it might have made another door open for you. There's no telling.

Also, it'd be really wise to stop telling yourself, "This year is the year I finally get a girlfriend!" because it's something that has a large amount of chance that you just can't control. The attitude is great, but I feel like you might be setting yourself up for disappointment, is all. What I think you should do is keep your eyes open, and your heart ready, but don't rush into anything too fast, because chances are, you'll regret it later on down the line.

I have no idea if this helped or not, but I felt like you needed SOMEONE to talk to. Good luck with everything, man - seriously.

>>10301
Thank you. I know it's not the best thing to tell myself that. I thnk I'm sort of back to my (admittedly not that great) normal emotional levels. It's just that no one outside of my family has ever loved me and for some reason I thought this might have been it. But it wasn't, so now I must carry on. Damn it.

> Put in tons and tons of effort
> Masks turn out GREAT

Feels SO FUCKING GOOD, MAN. The desire to post a big-ass smiley face is so fucking strong. That's how thrilled I am.

...but still four more to go.

Dancefag again.

So I got in a car accident. And that shit was SCARY.

I wasn't driving, my friend was. He was going about 35 (picking up speed) on the road while we had the right of way (green light and everything), when some faggot decides he can't wait two seconds for us to pass and makes an illegal turn onto our side of the road. We T-Boned him as a result.

No one was seriously hurt (I was hurt the most and had very, very minor injuries). A cop car was passing as this happened (saw the whole thing likely) so we had help pretty much immediately. During the impact I was jerked forward and the seatbelt hurt my collarbone and chest, so I went to the hospital to get an xray (mostly just some bruising and pulled muscles). The front of the car we were in was trashed, and the assclown on the other end had his tire blown off and the side all messed up. He got a court summons.

While waiting in the ER (lol hospitals) I updated my Facebook status describing what happened, I called the driver of the other car a faggot, and as a result got this long winded reply from my step-sister about how that term is offensive and how I shouldn't use it.

Really? Girl, I was in a fucking car accident, in physical pain, and strung out and nervous. I'm going to be a bit upset and not concerned with what insults I'm throwing out. She's super into LGBT issues (which I respect), and I know why it's offensive, but come on. My lesbian friend of all people wasn't even offended (stepsister is straight).

Worst of all, we were on our way to a halloween-themed dance and didn't get to go as a result. I mad!

Remember my cat? The one we thought was dying and drove halfway across the country to be told she wasn't?

Yeah, she's dying again. For real.

My housemates tell me to go home and see her, but I don't think I want to. I said everything I needed to the first time around, I think it'd just make things worse. So I'm gonna stay here and soldier on. I'll be fine eventually but it's going to be hard work.
I'm really worried about my mum, actually. She's currently housebound following an op on her feet and I think it's going to be really hard on her. But there's not a damn thing I can do from here and I don't have time to go home and look after her.
I wish I could just curl up into a ball and hibernate for a couple of weeks.

>>10295
>>10309

Hugs for you both.

>>10307

And for you. Car accidents are pretty freaking scary and stressful even when everyone is fine.


Today I found a spider in what I thought was the last clean bowl in the house, so instead of having cereal, I had a small stress breakdown and couldn't eat breakfast at all. (arachnophobic)

Then tonight while I was drawing, one dropped down from the ceiling ONTO me. So, yeah, two spider day, not good. Panic attack turned into an asthma attack, and while I'd been getting pretty good about not screaming like a little girl when spiders appear near me, when this one dropped on me I couldn't help it, so then I felt bad about that kind of step backwards...

And a gnat landed in my nacho cheese at dinner rendering it inedible. So the spiders aren't even doing their job. At least my cat caught a moth... (also pretty freaked out by moths)

Then my 'net was out for a couple hours when I'd normally be writing/posting/looking at pictures of kittens to calm myself down post-spidering. But it's back now, so... better late than never.

Playing Oblivion for...homework...is highly enjoyable.

>>10311
Now I'm curious. please elaborate on this.

How does everyone love you.
Really. I don't understand.

>>10312
I applied for a job at Bethesda and one of their requirements is that you are familiar with their games. Since before now all I'd really done was play the very beginning of Oblivion like 5 years ago and watch someone else play Fallout 3, I figured I ought to actually play one of their games. So now I'm totally hooked on Oblivion.

I really, really hope I get this, they're literally 15 minutes away from my house.

You gotta be fucking kidding me. My fucking UGC Highlander team couldn't form up for tonight's match and had to DQ. Fuck fuck fuck. I am so fucking.. I don't know.

Five masks are completely done. Three more to go. Director saw them today, freaked, and showed them off to the entire cast. Oohs and Aahs abound.

Felt great.

>>10311
I can sorta relate - it's nice to have Portal 2 clips shown as an example in the multimedia class.
Also our English teacher has Australian roots and is super handsome. Damn.

As for trial-by-fire costume mistress this weekend:

Saturday went extremely well, everyone put their costumes back for once, aside from someone who had a "specialty" costume and forgot to put it on the specialty rack, instead put it back with the rest of the mens' costumes. Oh well, so I moved it, cleaned up the makeup areas, closed up the cast trailer really quick and we all went home.

Sunday was a little more trying. I decided I missed my corset, so another person laced me who isn't the one who usually does it and got me too tight, so I was lightheaded for a while until it loosened itself enough to a wearable tightness. We were shortstaffed so someone pulled twenty entirely new people out of the woodwork, so I got to outfit them all, and it wasn't hard at all. But of course the new people didn't put their costumes back where I pulled them from or clean up the makeup when they were done with it, so it took me an extra fifteen minutes to tidy the trailer before we went out afterwards. Going out was nice, I was on the quieter end of the giant table they gave us, and the techies sat with us for once. We decided to have cast get-togethers over the course of the year so we keep our cameraderie up and can introduce new people in before the season starts, and apparently I'm going to be doing a cake for all of them.

tl;dr For my first experience being a costume mistress for a theatrical company, I didn't suck.

The prisoner I wrote in KY wrote back to me. This time I won't tell my mom. She worries about me, understandably. But I need this right now. I need to find some good in someone who is like those who hurt me as a child. I know most people don't understand this need to befriend a child molester for my own growth and so I can stop being a victim about it on the inside.

He's a very lonely man, convicted on one count. He has 5 kids but now identifies as gay. He worries about his mother with cancer. There is good in this guy on some level and that makes me glad and on some level empowered.

My computer is broken for the time being and I'll be stuck with a smart phone for 7-10 business days.

For those of you on steam right now, you may have noticed some downtime. Planned, but it doesn't make it any less irritating. Every freaking five minutes. DAMNIT STEAM. STOP BEING A BUTT, I WANT TO ROLEPLAY.

Right now,my home life is a mess, homework is unrelenting, volunteering is exhausting, National Novel Writing Month is approaching a lot faster than I would like, and I still haven't finished the fixing the second chapter.

Just got home from getting a new tattoo which took 3.5 hours to do the outlining of. Feels good.

I feel terrible for hoping my friend breaks up with her boyfriend. My other friends and I agree she has terrible taste in boyfriends, and every single one of her past boyfriends has cheated on her. But the main reason is I am insanely jealous of this guy. But she is my friend, I want her to be happy, and hoping for a relationship to end is just not a good thing.

All what will maybe happen probably happen in the next 10 days for me, expressed in this from me selfmade icon.

It will be sweet, something to play and surprising.

It really sucks when you spend an all-nighter planning and working on a birthday gift for someone, proceed to get sick afterward, and then have that person you're making the gift for decide that they don't want shit to do with you because you put other things to the side for the time being. I'm tired of bending over backwards for nothing.

>>10345
Aw man, that must suck hardcore. Consider yourself hugged, Kilo. Wish I could do more than giving you a virtual token of appreciation.

Color me still excited, but also color me light green, ´cause I AM SO DAMN NERVOUS RIGHT NOW AND I MY STOMACH CAN`T HANDLE THIS!

The tension is killing me. Gonna scream into my pillow now.

Color me still excited, but also color me light green, ´cause I AM SO DAMN NERVOUS RIGHT NOW AND I MY STOMACH CAN`T HANDLE THIS!

The tension is killing me. Gonna scream into my pillow now.

Just got back from my 24th Birthday dinner. Ate out at the Outback Steakhouse. Course, I couldn't help but go dressed up as Sniper so have a picture of me taken by my little sis since my dinners usually is just me with my mom and sis (too many friends live out of state, on the other side of the state and don't care much to come visit, or live out of country).

But eh, whatever, I'm happy, I got to have a beer in eight months since I rarely, rarely drink.

Happy Birthday to ole' lonely me.

I just want to be loved.

have an interview at the tea emporium on Friday.

Nervous as fuck.

Today, at work, I learned that Steve Jobs was dead.

I win @ everything, plz.

Only a few more days until the Halloween party I'm attending. The last time I went, I was too nervous to talk to anyone for almost the entire night, but hopefully since this is my second year attending, I'll be a lot better at socializing.

My Medic costume idea pretty much fell through after my brother reminded me that no one is going to recognize it, and I always go as video game or comic characters. So instead I'm going as Elton John.

That awkward moment when we have to render a room in Maya among other things, when I barely touched a 3D rendering program before. At least we get a full, free edition of Maya2012 to use.

My mother decided she wanted to be a geisha for halloween. Sure, mom, you can borrow my crappy-ass polyester tourist kimono, that's fine. Oh, and wear that pink silk robe under it, but we'll have to put some interfacing on the collar to get it stiff. But then you'll be more of a maiko than a geisha... oh well, it's not like you really know the difference. No, I'm not talking about Memoirs of a Geisha, that movie sucked, mom.

But no, mom, I am not letting you just throw your hair up into a bun, go whiteface and hope for the best, that's not how I roll. We are going out after dinner tonight, picking up a $10 wig I can style into a mostly-accurate maiko style, and going to AC Moore to get fake flowers for some kanzashi because I don't have the time to fold them out of scrap fabric. That, and I refuse to let her leave the house that morning until I do her makeup right and make sure the wig is on right.

You see, my mom was a geisha for Halloween one year when my brother was small. She made a terribly inaccurate (like, McCall's pattern inaccurate if anyone who's familiar with them is reading this) kimono out of garish fabric, matched the obi to the fabric, got a shitty-ass wig and went whiteface. It scared my brother.

Not this time, mom, you're getting as accurate as I can get you. Or at least I can bullshit accuracy.

tl;dr Mom is being a geisha for Halloween and I refuse to let her be anything more than 50% inaccurate.

Two feelings today.

One- These props are kicking my ass. I have to call around to all the high schools and the historical buildings and settlements around the province, to see if they have any props we can use. It should NOT be this hard to find an old-looking wooden stool. Seriously.

Two- Why is it that, when there are several people who enjoy my story, the ONE that repeatedly comments saying they dislike it and see nothing but problems makes me wanna just slit my wrists and jump into the falls? I keep having the same problem with this play. The director can praise me for a thousand things, but if he dislikes even ONE little teeny thing, it makes me hate myself all the more and want to crawl into a hole and die.

I don't understand. I had a perfectly normal childhood, and life, really. No abuse, no neglect, no nothing. By all accounts I should be a normal, mentally healthy adult. But here I am, a self-hating self-conscious sociophobe, who starts crying inside when people don't like things she puts effort into.
Feels bad, man. I'm gonna go make some more paper mache. Maybe if I finish another mask, I'll feel better.

>>10377
Maybe you have OCD hon? Doesn't mean you had a shitty childhood or anything, just the way you are, and we love the way you are. Try not to let it eat at you, and carry on. Rest of word is not as upset at mistakes as you are.

MonsterSpy is not feeling well; MonsterSpy just pulled two 13 hour days at the gallery moving shit, and hoped that the next few days would be quiet but she's been working from home (which is less pajamas and masturbation then one would have hoped) and running back and forth from Manhattan while the boss is away in another state. MonsterSpy apologizes for being too sleepy to be coherent at night, and is seriously considering running away to Alaska and becoming an ice fisherman for the rest of her life.

I love the arts, really I do, but arts administration is killer. I've seen some shit and I've only been doing this for about two months.

...MonsterSpy am going to sit with a bag of ice on head for a while.

>>10349
Snipers are not adorable stop that what are you doing also Happy Birthday, we'll discuss this later.

>>10378
And on a conscious level I realize that (and thank you, by the way), but for some reason, that nagging 'You're no good, you fail at life' feeling is always in the back of my mind, and any sort of criticism just brings it out more. And it's weird because I'm not OCD about ANYTHING else. Literally. Washing my hands, cleaning, making lists- nothing in my behaviour would suggest OCD, aside from this one little thing, and even it makes me sound more schizotypal than anything.

GOOD THING I'M ONLY AN ACTOR, HUH? IT'S NOT LIKE THEY EVER RECEIVE CRITICISM. HURR HURR.

>>10381
Bitch you ain't crazy. Perhaps you just have a need to be validated by the praise of others, which is pretty damn common. Praise validates you, therefore outright criticism deconstructs you. Again, this is not indicative of any sort of abnormal mental state or upbringing, it just sort of happens.

I can dig that, I was like that for a long time until I realized I could not please all the people all the time; it took the better part of two decades to realize this thanks to my wildly abusive mother, but that's another ball of wax.

Swear to god this is seriously the best attitude to approach shit with. Otherwise the world will kill you.

Go make some masks, you'll feel better I swear.

>>10382
I can't even make em today. The humidity is making my paper mache all crappy, and peeling it back from the mask. HURG.

And it's weird, you know, about the whole validation thing. People can praise me till they're blue in the face, and I feel nothing, but any sort of crit sticks in my heart like a railroad spike, and I just don't know why.

Maybe my parents praised me too much as a kid or something (I am an only child, and I was horribly spoiled, so it would make sense), and now that it's gone away, something in me just doesn't feel right anymore. Something misses the constant fawning.

Need to get me a man or a goldfish or something.

Also, the fact that you used a Pyro image makes me doubly happy.

I want to give up, but giving up is very hard and goes against my nature. Nothing I do, give, or sacrifice is damn good enough for anything. I gave everything I got and took great pride in doing so. I'm a very selfless person, but still people decide they no longer want shit to do with me and get rid of me at the drop of a hat, even after showing them nothing but upmost loyalty and respect. It took me long enough to realize that some things, sadly, aren't worth it, and that my own loyalty was causing me great grief.

Dad goes to community college < I go to university a few hours away < Heard from room mate who head from her mom who heard from her coworker that my dad made a comment in class she found funny < comment was about drug dosing < Room mate teases about confronting dad about drug dealer < Doesn't tell her he had drug problems in the past < awkwardly sit there < I hate how word travels that fast.

I lost my self confidence after failing out of one of my courses. I don't want to sound like a selfish bitch so I don't say anything to my friends. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything of any worth for months.

I feel okay.

I feel cold. I miss having someone who I can talk to about anything. I hate myself for having to settle with something I'm not happy with and not fighting for something better.

Last night: Freaking out and on the verge of hyperventilation and tears after attempting to insert SD card into camera in the dark ended in me getting it jammed after putting it in wrong. Note to self: Don't do things in the dark, idiot.

Today: Spend all day baking cupcakes. (Our oven has been broken for ages, so all we have is a toaster oven. I can't use a cupcake tray, I have to put a few separateable silicon baking cups on the tiny cookie sheet that comes with said toaster oven and bake them four at a time. So one batch takes for-freaking-ever, but... then cupcakes.

Tonight, watched 'Duck Soup', and my brother fixed my camera. Also, you know, the fruits of my cupcake labor. So, doing much better tonight than I was last night.

I am an idiot.

This will not end well, but I am doing it anyway.

I am an idiot.

Spent some time with my mom today, I'm off at college and she drove to spend the weekend over here. Went to the mall, it was a good day.

I found some old games I used to play when I was but a wee lass, let's hope they work.

Self-imposed solitude where comfort comes in the form of fictional characters is only somewhat better than the naturally-occuring solitude that comes with real people not wanting to be within ten metaphorical feet of you.

I am going to punch my director in the face with a fistful of glitter.

So, my boyfriend and I are breaking up. Not because our relationship is bad or anything; it's because he can't make a commitment to me, says that he can't love me as much as I deserve. I'm not sure if I understand. I'm numb, because he's one of the few reasons I have for surviving as well as I have the last couple of months.

I kind of feel like dying now. I'm unemployed, living at home in a city where I have no friends, and the man I was convinced was the love of my life is leaving me because he feels he can't support me. Wat do?

I'm in one of those situations right now that is so infuriating that I don't even want to write about it. I just want to tell everyone that I'm angry and hurt and betrayed.

Reading some of these makes me angry. There are a lot of good-hearted people on here and Cupid is just doing them wrong.

I want to take you guys on a real date. I mean to a nice dinner or something where you've got to get dressed up. And not because I feel sorry for you, but because you deserve to be treated right.

It actually makes me feel guilty that I've finally got things going okay for me now.

That cosplayer guy wants to voice chat with me. I'm way more excited about this than I should be.

I am totally falling for this guy. He barely knows English, lives over 4000 miles away on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, and for all I know could still be a loser. This is definitely a recipe for success.

I am a fucking idiot, why am I doing this.

Today my mom's church had their second anniversary of being a reconciling congregation-- one which makes it their mission to be not just tolerant of but openly welcoming and caring to LGBT members.

I felt this was a worthwhile thing, so while I normally cannot wake up early enough to go with her, I dragged myself up, had a lot of caffeine, and went, because crap, if more churches were like that, world would be a better place.

Everyone there, genuinely nice. Plus, I have friends from theatre in the congregation, and got to chat with one of them a little.

Downside? Massive amount of people, which leads to me coming over all shaky and panicky. I mean, great that they're all warm sweet people, but when I get to that point... So yeah, I had a bit of an over-socialization anxiety attack, but there was a nice mediation garden-type area where I could cool down.

I am looking forward to their Hallowe'en carnival, because even though it will no doubt be very full of people, I will be wearing a costume, which makes me instantly a million times better at dealing with other human beings. And, since I'll be Harpo, if I go pre-verbal from social stress, I can just play up the 'can't talk, in character' thing, I guess. It's better than getting all dressed up and then sitting in my living room being depressed because I have no place to be...

Hopefully at least one of my theatre friends will be there. I mean, ideally, both of them.

Keeping my fingers crossed for the costume contest. Trying not to get sick tonight because I have a dental appointment tomorrow. One of my old fillings fell out (figured I'd put that under a spoiler tag for other people who are triggery about tooth stuff. I'm a bit nervous about it because I don't handle dental visits all that well. I can't get work done without being gassed up)

I take one night off of work to go to a banquet and of course, everything goes wrong. I get there last night, and the list of troubles includes:
>one person threw up for three hours
>people who are NEVER tired are exhausted
>Half the cast is sick
>The other half lost their voices
>So many drunk people came through and were disruptive, one of them destroyed the effect in one of our rooms, I hope he has to pay for it even though it's already fixed, that's a $4,000 effect

Last night was OK, I was in a behind-the-scenes spot where I didn't have to talk to anyone (which, in hindsight, they probably should've given it to someone who lost their voice, but I guess it's just because I'm quick with it and they know that I've worked nearly every room in the house over the years) but now for some reason I've got a scratchy frog in my throat. Can't tell if voice is gone or just sick... either way, tea tea tea all day.

So I decide to ride my bike to a nearby deli, instead of driving there) because it's a nice day. As I'm riding out of my neigborhood, I pass what takes me two glances to realize is a dead armadillo. First armadillo I've seen in person and it's dead. I manage to forget about it by the time I get to aformentioned deli and eat my lunch. On the way home, I notice the carcass again, as well as what-appears-to-be-a-chicken strutting away from it; only, upon closer inspection do I realize holy-failed-bladder-retention, it's a goddamned BUZZARD.
tl;dr: see two animals for the first time ever, combined horrifyingly to great effect.

Sorry about the weird typos in my last post. I'm still a bit jittery, but I'll try not to make it so obvious next time.

Okay, again, spoiler tagging dental work stuff: Turns out it wasn't my filling coming out, it was my wisdom tooth chipping. Means going to an oral surgeon, because I cannot do the extraction if I'm not conscious.

So I got all jittery over-- well, not nothing, but I didn't need to get work done today.

Why don't all my dress patterns use princess seams? They're so much easier than darts, in my opinion.

My pattern didn't go up to my size though, so I had to add in an extra panel in the back. Oh well, I'm just adding ruffles to make it bustle-y. I also plan on shirring it, but I've also never done that before, so it's a work in progress.

I'm excited to see it done soon though, because I feel like the fabric is really cool, and the dress as a whole is gonna kick ass.

Oh man, Hansel und Gretyl is playing down in Fresno on my birthday, but I don't have the money, transportation or time to go see them. I am a sad metalhead.

At least it's not like I'm missing Laibach or something.

I just finished making a dress, my best one to date with two things that I've never done before, so I was excited to post about it on Facebook.

I log on to see that my friend posted a status about my aunt. She's only been fighting cancer for a couple years, they took out a tumor a little more than a month ago but the cancer spread to her organs. They gave her five months to live, and she just passed away.

I'm not sure whether I'm angry at the gods for taking her away so early or thankful for cutting her fight short.

Just filled out job application #20.

Guess how many interviews I've had?

Two.

I need to work, I don't know how to do anything else. I'm competing with a bunch of other college students like me, it's getting stressful.

  I don't play Minecraft, I don't even know what the problem is with 'dying the wool', but this sums up my everything right about now.

WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE

IN ADDITION, WHY IS THERE PAINT IN THE BED

I haven't posted in this new thread yet, I don't think, mainly because I've been too exhausted to conjure anything other than misery and an unwillingness to type it out.
But I'm fucking bored tonight, so here goes.
My best friend and I got into a stupid argument over facebook. Namely, her deleting her account because all her friends deleted theirs and she's decided she's too cool for facebook because she's a sheep and all her other friends did it first. It's hard for me to get ahold of her in the first place because of my work schedule (which isn't all that complicated, since during the week I work straight days, 8-4:30. Don't see what's so difficult about that, but for whatever reason she always calls when I'm at work.) and her school/homework load, and then she doesn't understand why I'm upset when she cuts off one more mode of communication between us. For whatever reason, msn never sends offline messages from my account and she never checks her email, so what else am I supposed to do? Facebook was the only place I had when I needed to shoot her a quick 'hey brabe - call me at 5 tonight if you're free' message. She also won't admit that since she deleted it, we've spoken less and less to eachother.
On top of that, she expressed irritance in the fact that I've got a negative attitude towards everything and she says she tired of hearing about how bored and depressed and angry I am with my life. So I stopped. Just stopped. Didn't stop being mad or sad like she expected me to, just stopped telling her about it. Meanwhile, whenever she's mad or sad or whatever, she'll ramble at me about it and I'm not allowed to do the same in return.
Whatever. So now she's fine, whatever, having the time of her life in a big city, making all her dreams come true, spending all the time with people far cooler than me, but I'm here, festering in my own depression and just wishing I didn't have to wake up another morning and go to work. Or just not wake up entirely, that could work, too.
I don't think I'm suicidal, but I do wish I was dead sometimes. Like while I'm alive no-one gives a fuck, and no one appreciates the things I do that are a burden to me but make their lives easier. But maybe if I was dead, people would? Like maybe there'd be a gap in peoples' lives, less laundry getting done at my house, one empty spot on the line at work, one less person online on msn.
It wouldn't do me any good, but I don't know, just seems like it's all I can think about.

>>10450
FRESNO? Pardon my flailing about in caps lock mode there, but I'm in Merced, so... I'm used to never seeing anyone from remotely near me anywhere.

>>10459
I'm so sorry.

I wish I had useful things to say, I'm terribly awkward about everything, but man. I know what crushing depression gets like, and I just really, really hope that you feel better. Ugh, and I know that sounds awful, because yeah, every time I'm on the depression side and someone says that, I feel like there's no such thing as 'feeling better', but...

Anyway, accept my fumbling attempts at moral support.

Feeling a bit frustrated and disgusted with myself. After getting a lecture from my dad about how difficult it'd be to live in the real world, because the situation at home is going to change "a lot sooner than you think" (this started because of my mediocre performance in college thus far). So after searching for local jobs, I find a part-time job as a library assistant that pays $11/hr; I find out almost immediatly after that it conflicts with ONE day of ONE of my inflexible college classes. I'm lying in bed (I have a habit of procrastinating/getting so overwhelmed I just shut down) when I decide "fuck feeling sorry for myself. I'm doing to do some math shit, then feel sorry for myself". Failed the first attempt on a math quiz (as in, answered nothing because I could not figure out how to work through the particular problems). My math notes do jack shit to help, because I'm terrible about taking notes.
...Eh, I'll stick with homework for a while... Free redos, you can ask for help (and the program is, surprisingly, very helpful) and the highest grade is the one that's accepted. However, I'm pretty sure I've got a history test today and a debate group to get in contact with, and I'm just done. I'm not even feeling that well today, fucking sinus infection and whatever-the-hell's-going-on-with-my-stomach. On top of all that, I can't talk to any of my friends; they've actually got bigger issues on their plates, some of which they might not be able to fix (but they've stopped talking to me about problems anyway, so I feel... useless. Like I always do, and now, whenever we all get together, it's like this bubble of denial and sunshine where no one acknowleges that there are any problems ever and it's just wasting time none of us really have anymore).

Sorry for whining so much, by the way. This really is shit I can sort out myself, I just needed to vent somewhere.

>>10461
Well, if you need someone ye can unload on, you can add me on steam or skype with the id Donstheman (both) and ye can talk to me. Wether ye need advice, a friendly chat or just someone there to listen, Ill be there. I know how important it can be just to have someone there.

So apparently my back hurts like hell because of stress. I've had a panic attack this morning, and depression struck again (for the last four days, I had trouble motivating myself to even go out, it's rarely happened in the past 10 years, I thought that I was over it), and my parents didn't help by sending me on a guilt trip. I really want to study, but I doubt that I'll be able to keep up. I want to quit, take a break, or few courses to prepare myself, but I've gotten this far, and a lot of money goes in for these studies, and aghhh.

Idk anymore, I'm gonna meet with dean's assistant tomorrow and talk about it. And I thought that I was finally getting somewhere...

I'm pissed and lost feeling.

For 8 years I've been told I had a brain tumor. None of my doctors bothered to tell me that the symptoms vanished after 2 years and have since been linked to a previous medications.

Over the last 6 years when I had no symptoms my doctors have sent me for MRIs and put me on meds for a tumor I apparently never had and that no one told me I never had.

I'm pissed, I structured my life for 8 years on what I was told I wouldn't be able to do, on possibly dying pretty young. I structured who I am on a lie and I am pissed.

I want to know why, out of 3 doctors, no one bothered to look at the fucking blood work and tell me why they continued to book scans. I'm just so fucking pissed and so fucking lost.

>>10467
Well at least you don't have a brain tumor. Yes 8 years of your life have been messed up, but now you have the rest of your life to make up for it.

>>10460
Thanks for the kind words. I apprecaite them more than you probabvly think.
Relating to last night, I cut myself for the first time ever. I didn't want to die, I was just overwhelmed with hatred for my life and myself. Everyone I tried to get ahold of to talk about it with was unresponsive and I felt hopeless.
I felt immense guilt about it afterwards, and it was a generally awkward experience and I hope never to do it again. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone irl about it, because it's so stupid and angsty-teenager, so I just say my dog ripped my arm up.
If only small, a lesson was still learned.

I haven't drawn anything proper in a long time and whenever my family talks to me about it I feel like giving up drawing for good and just working where ever.

But I can't and I won't because it's something I want and I know it'll be hard and I'm not going to just throw in the towel because people are better than me at something, I have to keep trying or else I won't get better.

Hey mom & dad, I just got a screening interview for a really nice paid internship for the summer. What's that? You're unhappy I didn't read up on it more? Ok I see your point, but the university wouldn't let scammers in like this if they weren't legit. Yes, address on the business card is for Los Angeles, but I could make $6000 and they let us pick areas in California to work in. No? You're just going to rag on about my irresponsibility more? Well fine then you miserable fucks, maybe I won't send in the rest of the form and miss out on a great opportunity to become a good manager.

I've been struggling with a situation that pretty much pulled the rug out from under my feet and it's taking a toll on my emotions and health. I'll be okay one second, but reading or seeing something just triggers all these negative emotions. I've been doing a lot better, but realizing that this situation has hurt another a lot has just reignited all of my frustration and anger. These people have been so careless and inconsiderate and, after their poor decisions, I'm wondering if I can honestly regard them with the same respect I had given them prior to this.

>>10473
Okay, even though I'm currently staying away from the feelings thread, I have to comment on this. Stubs, you are a bro and a really cool person. Never forget that. Life loves to throw shit at us and challenge us all the time, but the key is not to give up. Vent, cry, seek help, whatever. But don't give up. You are awesome and life can be awesome as well.

I'm going through the same shit currently, I know where you're coming from. It blows hardcore. But we can do this, I tell you. You and me both.
Try to do something with your energy, even if it's just going out for a powerwalk or some situps. Do stuff in the household. Draw or write something silly without any kind of quality level.

You and all the other depressed people on here should refer to some of the ideas on the attached picture. As hard as it is to muster up some energy to do these things, they are worth the try, believe me. They obviously won't magically fix your issues, but they could make you feel better about your situation and yourself and that alone is worth the shot because ALL of you deserve to feel good!

Here's hoping you feel better soon. You're in my thoughts, man.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I have a really huge crush on one of my guy friends. He's gay, but biromantic, but he says bodies don't matter to him and that it's all in the mindset (i.e. he's dated transguys and is one himself.) I'm genderqueer but I associate a bit more heavily with females so I don't know what to take from that.

I also have a wonderful girlfriend that I love more than anything, but she's in another country. We fully admit to each other when we have crushes on someone else (we're open to the idea of threeway relationships, and have liked the same person a few times). But she's completely cisgendered female, so there's no way he'd date both of us.

I don't even know what I want. I don't want to break up with my girlfriend, I couldn't. I love her. But I want him. But he likes someone else and I don't think he'd ever like me anyway. I just.. really really like him. I'd never cheat on my girl, not ever, but I just... WANT him, I want to kiss him and cuddle him and all these things that I can't do because I have a girlfriend and I can't do those things to her either and it all just kind of really hurts.

Ahem.

Dear AnneTheCatDetective:
YOU. ARE. EVERYWHEEEERE.
STOP IT. STOP WRITING FOREVER.
YOU HAVE LIKE A BILLION THREADS IN AFANFIC. A BILLION I SAY. I THINK AT ONE POINT YOU HAD A PREQUEL AND SEQUEL OF THE SAME FANFIC UP ON THE FRONT PAGE AT THE SAME TIME. AND YOU UPDATE LIKE LITERALLY EVERY 8 HOURS OR SOME SHIT
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT.
SERIOUSLY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD OR SOMETHING.

STOP IT. STOP IT THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY.

Sincerely,
~TwoRefined.

Please note that this is not entirely serious. I will admit that you have been the subject of many a breakdown in the past, but it's not like I'm going to hate you for being popular, lol, i mean who does that who's that shallow, lololol.

brb crying in a corner

>>10481
Okay, take a breather and calm down.
Listen.

We all want positive responses from our peers for what we do and put our heart into. Recognition is what makes the world go 'round. But the question is: Do you rely on recognition from others? Are you not able to feel happy about your accomplishments without it? If you can answer this with yes, you should take a step back and think your situation over.

Writing is something all of us fanfic people do for a hobby - It's something fun to pass the time with, it's creative and lets us fulfill fantasies and ideas we can't easily experience in real life. You seem to be taking it way more seriously than is healthy if you consider it to be a contest rather than a nice passtime.

Look, man. First and foremost, you should learn to be happy with your work yourself. Appreciate your talents, embrace your strenghts! You have them, believe me. Make sure writing is actually a progress you enjoy, not just something you do to get pats on the shoulder. Once it becomes a chore, something that emotionally taxes you for whatever reason, you should maybe take a break.

Furthermore:
Enjoyment can't be measured in the amount of comments someone gets. People love what you write, plain and simple. That's amazing and you should feel amazing! You make people's days brighter with your story updates. It doesn't matter if you have one story or twelve or if you have one fan or hundreds. You should enjoy what you do and if someone on top of that enjoys it as well, you can already be goddamn proud of yourself - Rightfully so!

TwoRefined, both you and Anne are great writers that entertain the chan with kickass writing. Stop thinking in quantity and think in fun! Keep writing because you love it and because you are a hardcore, awesome, badass, brotastic writer. You are great and should feel great. Don't let your talent go to waste by holding yourself up with jealousy and selfloathing.

>>10482
Awww, Perry you didn't need to do that. Like I said, it wasn't completely serious - I don't want people to think their comments don't matter to me unless I have more than so-and-so.

It's just that I've been going through a major slump and I wish I could get back on track and Anne has kind of become the best example of what I wish I could be accomplishing right now instead of sitting on my ass and feeling sorry for myself.

Truth be told, I don't think writing will ever just be a "fun past time" for me. The sad truth is that I take it uber-4-srs. I obsess over it. I'm always thinking about how I could write this better or organize that sentence structure better, etc etc. It really does mean a LOT to me, and since Breaking Point is kind of my current "I'M SO PROUD OF THIS - IT IS MY BABY" project, a lot of how I feel I'm growing as a writer will be linked to how well I perceive I'm doing on it.

But for right now, I'm kind of being plagued by lack of motivation, and it literally HURTS. I'll spend all day on the freaking thing only to delete most, if not all of what I've done, and then I'll get migraines and my bones will start to ache, and I just feel so SAD because I can't stop THINKING about it and I have a STORY and I want to share that story with the WORLD, but I CAN'T FUCKING PUT IT ON PAPER WRYYY.

Ahem.

But, breaking off of that tangent, I want to make it clear again that I have no feelings of ill will towards Anne. I see her more as friendly competition and I really admire her productivity (admittedly sometimes to the point of jealousy), but that's about it. I don't think I'm any lower than her - it's just sometimes I wish I had certain qualities of her or that I could just do SOMETHING, fuuuuck.

I know I sound like a crazy person - I probably am - I FEEL crazy, but no one's really at fault for that than my own psycho-brain. I do love what I write and I love writing - it's just that when I CAN'T write and I REALLY GODDAMN WANT TO that I start falling apart and crap.

Buuuh, now I'm crying and shit like a real frickin' moron. Brb as I take a nap. Maybe that'll hhelp me be less crazy who knows.

>>10483
Oh, I didn't think you were being a drama queen or something of the sort! No worries.
But it's fact that you posted something like this more than once on the feelings thread and it seemed to bother you in some way, and since I'm one of those people who can't stop trying to help and making people happy (hence why I should actually stay away from this thread at the moment, got too much stuff on my plate - silly Perry!) I wanted to comment. Sorry if it wasn't appropriate!

Oooh, writer's block. We've all been there, hoo boy. Here are some helpful ideas that might improve your situation: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/07/19/25-ways-to-defeat-the-dreaded-writers-block/

Writing is your passion, and that's awesome! But as you said yourself: You obsess over it. Your own insecurites are your biggest weakness! You got talent, you got ideas, you have it all. It's your own fear of doing wrong and your own pressuring that causes the issues, it seems. Try to have something else, a different hobby or whatever, that you can blow energy on without any kind of expectations. Something that cleans your mind and gives you some focus without needing to fulfill standards. I for one have found workout, household duties and simple videogames to be helpful, but those are just some of the possibilities.

My point still stands: Your selfloathing and stressing is what holds back your talents! Try to gradually develop a better attitude with taking up ways to vent and let out your frustrations, do things that make you feel accomplished easily, remind yourself that you are awesome and should feel awesome. You deserve a healthier attitude towards yourself and your work.

Keep going, bro!

GUESS WHAT I'M WRITING FOR NANOWRIMO.

50,000 words of TF2 derp. My friends convinced me to do it. I have no plot and half of it will probably be smut. Friend says it will be majestic.

I think I'm going to go insane.

>>10462
>>>"Oh, I have an old Skype!"
>>>>Uninstalled it and doesn't remember the username/password
So, I just reinstalled it today. I've sent a contact request to you and I'd like to thank you for at least tryting to be sympathetic. I'll try not to be a bother, though.

My hands are covered in paper mache goop, and it feels great. Whole turkey torso is molded, and so is the Ali Baba mask. After he's painted and glazed, there's only ONE mask to go! ...and a tiny goose, but that's super simple.
My props team is finally getting together and getting stuff. 3 weeks till the show, and we've got a LOT of stuff. It feels great.
Still can't find the desks we need, though, but we'll manage.

Jesus fucking Christ, I need to move out, I hate this district.

When I was walking from the tram today I saw a bunch of 4th(-5th?) graders kicking the fence. I thought that they were trying to scare a dog or a cat or something like that, and I was too far away to do anything yet, and people were passing by them and ignoring that, and finally some old man told them to scram.

When I got there, there was a dead cat near the other side of the fence, probably got hit by a car and was moved there by someone, and they were kicking it and grinning then and after they were scolded, stuffing their stupid faces with chips.

I had to restrain myself both from crying over the cat and their behavior, and from thinking how neat their brains (doubt they have any tho, not literally of course) would look like, all beaten to a pulp on the sidewalk. If only I had more strength, I wouldn’t hesitate to at least beat them.

I’m really worried for the future of our civilization.

Self - stop getting scramble-brain during your exams. That exam was 25% of your course mark and you lost out on at least 19% because you couldn't focus enough to even get to the written portion.

Sincerely,
I had better have a 3.0 or above when you're done here

i haven't played tf2 in like a year, i haven't been to tf2chan for just as long, what the fuck am i doing here why am i writing fics again why am i doing anything what is going on; i feel so out of place and also stupid

also on a more emotional level i guess sometimes i feel like i throw my friendships away and that sucks or something, whatever, guess i'll just get over it because who cares!!!!

feelings...!

>>10479
perry i am crying tears of happiness, you always know just the right thing to say. things are substantially better than they were thanks to couple of people who've helped me through my problems. so at least, for now, i'm doing okay.

thank you so much, perry. you're an absolute doll.

>>10491

I think we just need a Perry appreciation post or two.

Perry, you're always so helpful and sweet and you give really great advice and words. You've made me feel better a few times, even if you weren't talking to me specifically. Basically, you're cool.

>>10493
Yeah, Perry, you're the fucking best. Thanks for cheering my emo ass up - I really should take a breather and relax or something, and hopefully by the end of this, I'll come out a stronger person and writer! Thanks again for being so selfless and encouraging!

>>10491
>>10493
>>10495

Awww shucks, you guys ... Aw man you make me all giddy inside! You are the best absolute best, seriously, sniff.

>>10436
I voice chatted with him earlier tonight. He seems like a sweetheart and I think he likes me, but he has 15 exes, one of whom was a fiancee, which is EXTREMELY FUCKING TROUBLING to me. I am unsure how to proceed. That many ex girlfriends is a really bad sign, but it seems like a lot of them just wanted in his pants not beeg surprise.

I am very conflicted. pls advise

I was just watching Prince of Egypt after a long-ass Stargate binge, and I'm finding everything about this movie 150% cooler by thinking of all the Pharaohs/Gods/royalty as Goa'ulds.
All except for Moses who's obvs a Tok'ra

Work got canceled last night because of inclement weather (god forbid we have a little rain, right? Although I don't suppose people want to slosh around in the mud at a haunted attraction). Here's hoping that the 1-3 inches of snow (snow, really?) misses us entirely tomorrow night so we don't have to lose our busiest night of the year. I'll be knocking on wood all day today.

You know that feeling when you really start to dislike the immature behavior of someone, but it's of no use to call them out on it because other people will just continue to encourage that person to behave that way while simultaneously demonizing you for trying to change that person's behavior?

Yeah, I hate that shit too.

>>10500

Kilo when did you become me.

>>10500
Uh oh. Is it someone on Hipstr?

Stepped on a scale for the first time in about over a month, and discovered that I've lost six pounds. I've been going to the gym, but not as often as I should, and that moment was total encouragement to go more often.

>>10500

I know that feel, bro.
Best to just remove involvement with said person, although I know that's always easier said than done.
I had a friend who'd get on my case if I didn't approve of this one guy friend randomly groping me. I'm sorry, but just because another TRUSTED friend of mine is allowed to do that sort of stuff does not mean every guy who I am remotely friends with can pull that shit. But, um, I digress.

>>10503
Woo! High-five!

Tomorrow I do my weekly weigh in... Never look forward to it the day after potluck night... I mean, I don't need to be thin, but my dad died too young from what was likely a heart attack, so I really just want to get healthy.

Spent evening being awkward. Realized way too late what day it was after sleeping in with a killer headache, did not have time to both shower and get all the stats ready for D&D. Chose stats because the guys were looking forward to getting to the actual battle. So, felt gross and unpretty around crushworthy D&D group guy.

I feel so high school over him, it's ridiculous. I'm not 'in love' with him, but it is kind of nice to know somebody I would date, but don't totally destroy myself over... and I don't know that nothing can ever happen with him, so...

I don't know, though. As I've said, we're both so socially awkward that it is kind of impossible to know whether or not we're flirting at any given moment. But he's a straight guy who is not totally put off by my slash habit...

Okay, okay, done talking about my weird not-a-love-life.

(unrelated, saw a little black cat outside Taco Bell. Total cutie, and it seems like a good place to hang out if you're a stray cat... you can eat thrown out half-eaten tacos and any vermin that are attracted to thrown out half-eaten tacos... We were in the drive through, and I had to fight the temptation to climb out of the car and try to chase him...)

Little update before I head off to work (ugh). I'm feeling a little better now - finally got SOMETHING done for my next chapter, and even though it isn't pretty and even halfway finished, I'm kind of proud of it. So there's that. It's hard not pressuring myself to HURRY UP AND GET IT DONE EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOU'RE TAKING SO LONG OMG WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING, etc etc. In fact, I'm pretty sure it won't go away until I finally DO update. But I feel like I'm on the right track, which is good... Now if only my heart would chill the fuck out and stop making me feel like my blood is frozen, that'd be nice.

Been playing on the Eyeaduct map and finding a lot of gifts, but I've been giving away most of the Halloween stuff to friends. I just can't explain how happy I feel when others are happy, even when it's just giving them a silly virtual item. It's also been a welcome distraction from my own feelings of hopelessness. It feels like I'll never just go back to normal sometimes.

>>10302
It is me again.

I keep shifting between depression and relative normalcy. In the normalcy, I keep reminding myself how my mother worked for 5 years to get my father to see her as more than just a friend, so that is acting as my motivation. I can be patient and take my time. I waited 2 years before telling her how I felt, as a combination of 3 of her boyfriends, my own cowardace, and waiting to confirm that it was not a fleeting crush, prevented earlier action. I will wait for her to break up with this new guy. If she does not, then I will be happy for her. If she does, hopefully she will take me. But in the meantime, every time she mentions him, it is like a stab in the heart. I am not saying I am not open to the possibility of someone new coming into my life, but so far everyone else has been boring. There are currently 2 people that I actually enjoy spending prolonged amounts of time with, one is her, and the other is a guy and I am not gay. For the most part, I think I am handling the situation better than I originally was, but it is still painful.

>>10507
I miss going to potlucks. D:

I love those small, encouraging moments about my health. I'm so used to everyone else in my family being better or worse than I am, so i'm usually beating myself up/worrying about outcomes. I donated blood (hate needles, never again), and they told me that I have great blood pressure/iron levels. I'm only 20, but my dad has always had horrible cholesterol (just a genetic thing), so I was feeling scared about it.

It's raining, it's pouring. The Queensland summer storms are here!

>>10529
Went outside to make sure the garage door hadn't swung open in the wind. Turned the outside light on. The switch was wet; I received a 44v shock and now my arm still feels funny.

Miss my Teddz already. Did not realize that i will not see him for a long time until i his hand left mine. Sitting on the window to the deck hoping to see him even if i know he went already. I am a mess and full with tears and snot. I am sorry Teddy for not crying before you and showing how much i will miss you. Trying to concentrte now and it is HARD and i want my Teddy, because with him everything seems easier.

Forgive me for the emoticon I am about to post, but I feel, given what is wrong, it is warranted.

It's snowing. ;_;

The day before Halloween, and it's snowing.

WTF Canada. I haven't even put on my fluffy Brunswick sheets yet. GO AWAY SNOW. NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE YET.

>>10532
I know that feel, bro.

What part of Canada? Because here in Buffalo, we just had some snow earlier in the week. I mad
And this is the same city that was having 100 degree heat waves in mid-September.

>>10533
Atlantic. Had the same heat wave in Sept. too.

Considering getting a tumbutt account. One hand, place to put random shit that comes into my head without people knowing it's me. Other hand, feel like a needy attention freak.

>>10532
Don't worry, we just got it two days ago down here in Pennsey, and it screwed everything up. I had to take three days' paycut this weekend because my haunted house couldn't open due to weather.

So, as for dressing my mom up as a maiko this morning:
>wig is badass and will hopefully stay on her head
>kimono is inaccurate, but nobody at her job will notice just how inaccurate because they're all ignorant
>obi is too short to tie a real darari knot, so quick bullshitting to the rescue

Is it wrong that I felt terrible every time I threw a safety pin in that mess to make sure it stayed up on her? My mom is a very curvaceous woman, and the obi wanted to buckle instead of stay up.

So now all I have to do today is shower, trim my wig, babysit, paint Big Macintosh's cutie mark on a Tshirt for my brother, make fiance's Link hat, and babysit.

Come at me, bro.

Ich bin so sauer, ich könnte silbernen Kugeln spucken. Bitte teilen Sie meine Internet-Leiden zu beenden. Ich habe als Teufel gebrandmarkt worden. Laufen TF2chan ist nicht wert, das Leiden habe ich oben zu setzen mit anderen Menschen. Es tut mir leid.

>>10467

Sorry that i just can now answer you now, but i didn´t checked the chan for the last days.

Anyway, i´m glad that you don´t have the tumor and that you now finaly can start to create your life like you want. That doctors do sometimes mistakes, which can fuck up your life is sadly known already in my family so you have all my sympathy. Anyway i wish you luck now and that you soon will forget the anger and feel the joy by finaly making the things you ever wanted to do but thought you can´t. Your a nice person so far i know and i was really sad to hear about your problem as we once did "meet" and couldn´t do anything about it. Wish you luck for all future projects.

Oh what´s that? People asking me how i am? well after i had yesterday a .. weird encounter on the Mancaboose were i had a rather childish fit (seems like i´m not that great by handling a really emotional day and a coming flu with noting fever now.) and left the server i feel rather better after some sleep.

....

Just let me sit here for a while and still be in this weird thing between happy and sad.

>>10542
Thank you, but I'm just feeling really lost and depressed right now. I'm glad there is no tumor but at the same time I'm almost sad there isn't cause now the only reason I have for my failures is myself.

>>10543

Don´t think like this. These failures you had until now were, because you BELIEVED for years you had a tumor therefore that you can´t make it.

It is said that believing in something can move mountains, so why shouldn´t be the opposite be possible, too?

You were told all these years you couldn´t make it and you believed it yourself because the odds were just to big. Which did need to lead that you failed in so many things by this thinking.

I don´t say it´s like a sudden change and that you will from one day to a other have sudden success in everything. All i say is that now you can look in the mirror and tell yourself: I can make it and there is nothing which can stop me, except myself!

Come on. There is surely something which you thought you can never make, because of the tumor, which now you can start slowly to realize. Work on it, baby, because now the world can buckle up if you decide to get full speed into life and to tackle it down.

>>10541
If you want to talk with someone Kumori, who has a neutral opinion about you and would like to listen to you and to hear your side of the things, just you know i´m ever open to listen.

Urg, my back is killing me. Can't game, can't stand, can only sit at the PC table for brief periods of time. Goddamn. It comes and goes, but it's really REALLY annoying in any case. Grrrrr.

Thank goodness I got a doc appointment on Wednesday.

>>10545
Good! Can't have our favorite person going around being all hurt and stuff. Just no.

I've been feeling a little depressed lately, still. It started with writing, and bled over into other things, such as my relationship with my parents and how I'm doing at work.

I'm a little concerned about work, actually. Maybe you guys can give me some advice. This is my first job, of course, but I never expected it to be so exhausting - physically, and, strangely enough, emotionally. I'm a cashier, so I have to talk to a lot of people and be THE FUCKING PEPPIEST THING OUT OF EVER.

I do it pretty well, and customers really seem to like me, and I like the job, but it seems like I'm... using up all my spare happiness. I know it's weird to say, but after work, I just feel so drained and grumpy or depressed and I don't know why.

That, plus the number of hours I have to work (33 a week on aveerage, even though I'm a part-time hire... Is that unusual? I wasn't expecting that much, tbh), plus the fact that my mom's gotten me to pay some of the more minimal bills around the house (fair, but still more pressure) led to me actually kind of dreading work. I've ended up being late to work once and missing two days due to panic attacks I've had right before my 45 minute drive there.

I told my mom I was thinking about asking for less hours, but she gave me a huge long speech about how I have no other responsibilities and how this is the grown up world and stuff. I get that, but I never said I wanted to be an adult. I actually got this job mostly so that I could save up for a new, gaming-capable computer. I didn't mind helping pay some of the bills, I mean, it was only fair, but she's acting like this is what I'm going to be using to support myself for the rest of my life.

She then called my stepfather (who she's separated from) behind my back, and he sent me a text saying "What happened? I thought you said you were going to make me proud," which really sent me off the edge.

I don't understand why it's such a big deal for me to get up every morning and go to work. I'm not NOT doing it because i'm "lazy" or "bored with the job". I'm doing it because... somehow, I'm scared. I don't even know what of. I love my job, and I want to keep it, but I don't know what's happening, but I don't want to fail any more than I have already. I'd rather take less hours than to miss hours they've already scheduled me for, but is it a bad idea to ask my managers for that?

I don't know what do, u guys.

>>10547

Okay, just you know my mum is kinda in that business too and it´s a HARD JOB with much hours for NOT MUCH MONEY sometimes. It really drains and can put people under much pressure. She even got a burn out from her job and didn´t recognize it until she went to the doctor who recognized her symptoms and her depression. She jsut went to him, because she thought she got kinda a flu.
So it´s not a unusual thing to feel so tired after work, because it´s called work for a reason, dear. Don´t feel bad about it.

No, average 33 hours isn´t unusual for parttime job. Sounds good to me even But what shall i know? I worked ever so long outta my free will that i worked out one day of holiyday for me duo all my overhours. I have the tendencie to be a workaholic

About the manager thing. I can´t say much about this. If he is nice and the work clima is rather relaxed where you work you should approach him and ask him. If not, let it be.

Booktipp:
If you want to see in a funny way how the life of a cashier is read Checkout girl : a life behind the register from Anna Sam. My mother loved it.

>>10547
It used to be that part-time was 15-25 hours a week, but nowadays they give part-timers 30-38 on a regular basis because there are no full-timers. I see by your location flag that you are a fellow American - there are laws that apply to full-time employees that do not apply to part-time employees, so most retail locations ONLY hire part-timers and give them the maximum number of hours they possibly can without having to give them the benefits etc that are federally mandated for full-time employees.

If you're considered a good employee and you aren't in any trouble with the management it shouldn't hurt to ask for fewer hours. You might not actually be able to GET fewer hours, because retail places are usually understaffed and there's a pretty good chance they wouldn't be able to cut your hours without shuffling them onto other employees in such a way that it would put them over 40 hours a week, which must not in any case ever be done because then they'd be federally protected as full-time employees.

THE SYSTEM

I've got feelings for some I really shouldn't. There's a million reasons my brain tells me not to keep interacting with him like I do, but there's an ache in my chest everytime I think about breaking it off with him.
What do?

>>10551
Well what are some of the reasons to avoid this person?

>>10551

I recently cut ties with one of my most dearest friends because of my own jealousy and stupidity. I feel guilt and pain for what I did and wish for anything to go back and undo what I did. Don't be bitter like I was young one, don't live in this pain like I am!!

I would recommend talking to this person and clear the air.... I wish I did.

>>10481
So, I know this is old business or whatever, but it was just in looking over the thread as a whole that I came up with something to say. Not so much a reply to the poster, but to anybody struggling with the same kind of feelings.

Bear with me, because I realize I'm about to sound stupid for a minute, but... You know the episode of the Simpsons where Homer wants to become an inventor, and he has a poster where he doesn't measure up against Thomas Edison, and then he sees Edison's poster of not-being-as-good-as-DaVinci?

It just occured to me that everybody's got a DaVinci. So if you (general you, since I guess the original post is a resolved thing) ever feel like you can't keep up with anybody, I don't know, imagine them wistfully trying to measure up to their hero and feel a sense of kinship, I guess.

It works for me sometimes.

Rei, why do you have to do this shit. You try to buy my friendship with shit I don't need, namely action figures. I do you a solid and draw you some thing and all you do is complain about how it's not up to your standards cause it doesn't have lesbians. I put up with you showing up to my art events when you don't draw and end up making the comic jam pages look like a 5 year old was there. I put up with you pissing of my 2 friends that drive when you follow me after said events and jump in their cars assuming you're getting a ride.

But really. FFS, you have no fucking right to be passive aggressive with me cause I don't want to see the Halloween screening of Ghostbusters with you. I told you I was busy, not that I wanted to go so stop bringing it up and while you're at it stop bringing up your comic script. I gave you 6 months to provide me ANYTHING to show you were serious about this and you did shit so go find some one else to draw it (good luck with that).

By the way, I did go to Ghostbusters, in the same theater, but I avoided you like the plague and spent the pre-movie adds listening to my BF tell me how they used to call you dumb-fuck behind your back for the exact same bull shit.

And yeah Rei, I get that you're trans and that's fine. I've no issue with it, but what I do take issue with is you thinking you're superior to me as a female because I subscribe to equality over feminism. Just because a male comic character says he's going to "pay your loved one a visit" when threatening another character does not mean he's alluding to rape and adding to "rape culture".

Fuck you Rei.
Also, picture very related.

I will never be too old for trick-or-treating. I feel no remorse about being a college student and dressing up as a child to take free candy from strangers on their doorsteps. When I have children, the first couple of years of their life will be driving them around in the stroller on Halloween night and exploiting them for candy.

Breakfast this morning is a Caramello bar. Life is good.

>>10557
So long as you actually dress up, I see no problem with this.

Had a bunch of older kids (like 15, 16, when most of the other T or T'ers on my street are under the age of 10) come to my door last night, asking for candy. No costume, not even a bag, and they practically broke my door down knocking.
Plus it was quarter to ten, and my front porch lights were off. THAT MEANS GO AWAY, BOZOS.
Some people, honestly.

But I had some older ones come to the door, all dressed up, and they were very polite. I had no problems with them. In fact, I gave them the rest of my mini-sips.

Mom: You should try transferring to the local UC. They do intercampus transfers, you could keep all your credits and still graduate in less than a year.

UC Website: We don't accept intercampus transfers over 120 quarter credits.

> My face when...

I found something that made me completely lose respect for someone.

>>10563
Homemade porn?

Happens to the best of us.

In all seriousness, I'm sorry to hear about that, Kumori. I wish the Mods and Admins of this place were less stressed.

>>10558
I always dress up, it's hard for a cosplayer to not dress up. My fiance and I were Link and Zelda.

Caramello? Hot Damn. Breakfast was pizza and a crunch bar. I would totally trade for some 100grand s right now. I got super dressed up and met a new friend. Just moved in and dressed up like a ghostie in a sheet. We complained about middle schoolers without costumes and proceeded to go back to my place and trade candy. Also Simply Caramel Milkyways are delicious.
picture relavant but not us

Well that was an interesting night indeed.

Now what.

I just found this short speech on TVTropes and I figured I should share. Whoever wrote this, thank you.

"You. I don't care who you are, what you look like, how old you are, where you're from, what you do for a living, what religion you are, your sexuality, your opinions, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE loves you and cares about you. Be it your friends, your family, or some random person on the street, there's always someone that wants to see you smile, even if it doesn't seem like it. Love and affection are present everywhere you look, and if you're considering hurting yourself, for the love of God, think about this before you do it. Even if nobody you know or met cares (and I guarantee that they do), there's a million people you've never met who don't want you to hurt yourself. I know I certainly don't. So go hug a kitten, pet a puppy, give someone flowers, tell a joke, be happy. Because you will never, ever be alone."

After constantly taking a beating, made an ass out of by immature assholes and their posse, and treated like shit.. I just feel like flipping the table over. This is all I can say, or post, rather. Pic is how I feel. Time to make some fucking chocolate pudding.

>>10553
I did just this... had a chat with him, the air is cleared, and surprisingly we interact in exactly the same way as we did before. Nothing's awkward, he's still the sweetest ever, and I still love every bit of attention he gives me as much as I did pre-discussion.
Thanks Anon, you rock.

>>10570
This made m e super happy Perry. You always know how to make me super happy. Things are a lot better, thanks for the support.

>>10572
No, you rock.

In other news, the dog we saved from traffic finally got reunited with her real family. I almost broke into tears seeing her barking, smiling and jumping around when her owner and her mom came to pick her up.

Why can't my freaking paper mache dry already?

Hate waiting. So close to finishing all these props.

I think this is the part of unemployment where there is the onset of depression. Not only do I feel useless, but I feel as though my past has shot me in the foot and there's no second chances to fix it. Patience from my family is wearing thin, having less than two months to get out of their hair or end up homeless. The anxiety is going to kill me.

Okay... okay, wow...

I just kind of had my feelings stomped on (don't anybody worry, it didn't happen over here!) and I thought I had a thicker skin these days, but I guess I don't.

I'm just feeling really... my chest is tight and I can feel tears trying to happen and I have no idea what I did to deserve that-- I mean, logically, I know I didn't, and sometimes people just say hurtful things, and it's entirely possible that the person in question didn't mean to make me feel like this. Maybe they have a thicker skin and talk like that to everybody just casually, but I...

I suddenly feel really useless and crappy and I was going to get things done, but now I'm not because I'm crying and hyperventilating and shaking, and I haven't felt like this in years. Nobody's made me feel this way since sometime in high school, that's nearly a decade ago.

I'm going to go eat some cake and... probably feel worse about myself, I guess.

Sorry, everybody. I'm not having a productive night in any capacity. I just feel really sick right now.

Final mask is finished, and it looks fucking beautiful.

Still have a million other things to do, but still.

>>10583
Care to show us these masks you've been working so hard on?

>>10586
I shall, once I figure out how to upload things from my mom's camera.

Can't find the stinkin' transfer cord.

About to take another programming test for a job. I'm freaking out.

I actually think I've lost it with this stupid challenge. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. It's like I've gone off the deep end finally.

>>10590
It's alright - I don't worry, bro. I'm hugely impressed you got as far as you did.

>>10581


Same thing happened to me.
Been alone for so long, I thought I could take the pain of rejection. All it took was one person finding a date with someone else to make me go off. I've never had so many panic attacks this month then I had all summer combined. Just the thought of it, the embarrassment of the way I'm feeling over some man is enough to make me depressed, and simply establish the fact that I am really lonely. But this time, I have no one to help get through but my bitter, cynical attitude and my loneliness.
I want to give everyone a big hug if I could.

>>10589
I probably fucked up that test. Thankfully I got a call from someone else and I have an interview on Monday, so at least my mood isn't shot for the night.

im at my parents place, sitting in my old room. i do miss my bf but not as much as i missed my parents until i arrived here yesterday. i hate that never ending train ride and i hate being together with so many strange people. i hate it that it costs so much money to travel from my own flat to my parents.

but im still feeling like im really home here and nowhere else.

Oh yeah, it's snowing! Won't be enough to play in (just yet) but being able to sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and watch it fall is enough for me until Thanksgiving has passed.

Just realized, I haven't seen Ze Doctor lately. He still around?

Dealing with a breakup and coming out to yourself as transgender in the same day hour is... really shitty.

Guess I need a new namefag now.

>>10598
Not sure if he's doing stuff on the chan, but he's still around. I talk to him on Google+ every now and again. He's pretty busy with work, tho.

Current feelings: dun wan go to wooork

I had one of those weird moments as an adult where I went and did something without my parents' input. I filed for a passport, and I'm now in the process of planning a trip to Japan to visit my former college roommate. (She's a JET teacher in Okinoshima, Shimane.) What really weirded me out was that they weren't freaking out about it. Not like I haven't visited a foreign country before, but it was Canada.

Weirder yet, my mom got all excited and filed for a passport, too. Not that she'll be traveling with me, but she'd like to go to the UK, Ireland or Australia sometime. And hell, I'd go with her!

Kay, so, we've been looking for candelabras for this play, to no avail.

Guess whose mother just called the florist down the street and got us the FREE rental of not TWO, but FOUR FREAKING CANDELABRAS.

HELL YESSSSS.

I need to get off the internet before I actually table flip my laptop. I really hate people sometimes. Good thing my internet is being cut off next week EH?

>>10604
Oh yes. Free prop rentals is the best feeling in the world.

I miss being involved in theatre... However, next weekend, the community theatre is putting on Frost/Nixon at the multicultural centre, which I guess has its own performance space.

But every time I see the name of the show written out, years of reading fanfiction on the Internet makes me think horrible things...

>>10606
Lawl.

Oddly enough, our theatre company did Frost/Nixon two years ago. I remember, because I went to go see it for my Page and the Stage class.

The guy playing our Bob Cratchit actually played Frost, and our Scrooge played Nixon.
It's a winning combo, it really is.

I want to rip out my lady parts and string them up like Christmas lights. A whole week of my entire torso being sore, bleeding like an elevator at the Overlook Hotel, and taking enough meds to kill a bull elephant. It's times like these, more than any other times, that I wish I had been born male. And why does it always make my kidneys hurt the most? I thought the blood came from a completely different area!

Went out for the first time yesterday as a male. It was, quite honestly, the best I have ever felt. I mean... it was scary, sure. Being around people I've known for a while and who are trying their hardest to start seeing me as a boy. But there was only one name slip-up out of like ten people, and I just felt really accepted for what I am. I already knew these friends accepted me, but... to have that validated was a wonderful feeling.

Didn't really have the guts to go into the men's public restroom yet, but it's a process. My friend is going to take me to Kohl's to get some more masculine clothes and such, which I'm excited for. I honestly... probably would've never come out, had it not been for him.

Getting a Rarity toy and some hot makeouts were also nice touches to the evening.

>>10617
Good for you, anon. I'm glad that you're getting along well with it!

Was at the fitness center for the first time today. My back already feels better, and if it's just the placebo effect of having started with the right thing. My supervisor is doing his best to get in touch with therapists and stuff. It's hard, but we're slowly making progress.

Oh man, here's hoping this glimmer of hope turns out to be the real deal.

YA PERRY! Glad to hear things are movin along, get on soon :D

>>10619
*thinks longingly back to doing something* I want to go to sport, but i have a thight termin calendar again this week and i was sometimes so dizzy of the cold i catched i had a hard time not to go in zigzag lines. (No Sir, this time i tried to avoid every Aspirin so long as i could.)

Do him and all of us the favor and come back online soon, Perry. I can´t hear this whinning anymore of all these guys missing you Let´s just have s nice little chat again sometimes, ja?

Dear director and cast who join him at the bar,

I DON'T WANNA GO. STOP ASKING.

I know they won't make me drink, but even the smell of alcohol makes me queasy.
And they claim, 'Oh, but we wanna talk and hang out with you!'
You're 40. I'm 22. WTF are we going to talk about?

Why can't people just accept that I don't like going out to bars? WHY?

This still sums up how I have been feeling for the past 22 days.

>>10617
hi five, that's great!

I still don't go in the men's rooms if they're the kind with stalls. If it's a single bathroom with a locking door, I'll use the men's room, but I'm afraid to go in the multiple-stall kind. I know logically nobody's going to say anything or "out" me for having to sit down to piss (I ain't have one of them pissdick things yet) but I just ain't want to deal with it at all, you know? I'll just hold it or something.

I'm not fishing for pity or anything like that, I just bawled my eyes out today after a while and need to vent s bit more, since I don't think that I can cope with some situations on the level some people expect me to.

I haven't felt so strong about committing suicide in a long time.
It's like everything is against me again, the school I wanted to go so bad is, well, bad.
The only course that I'm interested in is 2D/3D animation, but it's not worth paying 1,2k, when everything else falls apart, simply because I have never worked with the programs they used before.

I mean, it can be good if you have tons of cash that you can spend on a 5 years program, but we currently don't have it. And we have to pay for this month even if I want to break the contract. Mother isn't helpful, saying that no one would hire me with 'that' attitude.

It's like, when we were living with my sister and now, this family was nothing but one big mess full of misunderstandings and constant quarrels. Well, I can't say that we didn't 'love' each other or support each other, but... idk, it's still feels flat especially now when I'm closer to the point when my parents can legally throw me out on the street.
And I can't imagine myself living on social money.

I wonder how long it takes to organize a raid. Because it only takes me 5 seconds to delete it all.

cinema was actually pretty nice - but omg, its so late and i need to read that fucking book. epistemology ftw

My school took my school money from the wrong account, the one I pay my living with, which means I got a big minus now. Damn. Of course both people responsbile for my bank stuff are currently not avaible and their replacement for the time being doesn't understand the way my bank stuff is handled. Wat.
Also, the customs office is pushing me around and my landlord is visiting soon to check things and (hopefully!) acknowledging that we need a proper air vent in the bathroom.

Goddamn, ALL THIS FUCKING STRESS. Only redeeming factor is that I got workout tomorrow again so I can blow off some steam there. Oh man.

VonHelton, a blogtv lolcow, recently scammed a cancer patient out of $1600. She heard he was with ought a job and with 3 kids so tried to do some good and hire him the only thing he said he'd do.

After 4 weeks he not finished the computer, the motherboard (cost $70 in a computer someone paid $1600 for) will not work and he won't replace it (even though all it needs is a BIOS flash) and he claims to have shipped it today via standard mail.

Now this to me is disgusting, He did this because she inquired about things like specs and his attitude withe her.

If I get her blessing I'm going to set up an auction via e-bay to try and raise this woman's money back/fund an attorney. Because this is just sick, what he's done to the one person who stepped up and tried to help him.

Feels good trying to right this and I hope she will allow me to sell my art and give the funds to her.

I am not used to this sadness. It just won't go away. I can't be happy for any significant amount of time anymore. All it takes is one song, one picture, one thought, one name, and it feels like there is a cold nothingness inside me. I don't like this. I can not function like this. I don't know what to do.

>>10643
That "significant amount of time" is a bit exaggerated. I am not normally very happy anyway, but I am slipping into extreme sadness the likes of which I have rarely felt more and more often. It's like there is a very thin bubble surrounding these intense emotions that can be broken by one simple errant thought. And when it happens, it hits me like a frieght train. I keep sliding in and out of this sadness. This is all very confusing to me. I wish it would stop.

>>10644
I have two tricks for you that have helped me when I was fighting awful thoughts. The first could be seen as a little self-inflicting, but I eventually altered the process. I would wear a rubber band and when ever I thought of something I wanted to forget, I would snap it. Eventually I began to associate that thought with the rubber band and once I quit wearing it, I quit being reminded of the thought and I was over it. The second is more of a meditation technique. I picture myself in a room or other safe place and I look out a window. I imagine whatever my problem is as a cloud and I watch it float on by. It helps to remind me that no matter what I'm going through, it won't last forever and I'm able to take it day by day.

In other news I just came out to friends and family tonight. I pussied out and did it over Facebook though. My boyfriend is supportive of me, even if it more or less means I'm not attracted to guys. I had been struggling with it for a few years and I'm glad my boyfriend has been there and he's for real my best friend in the world. Yay self-acceptance!

I just saw some old Animated Series from my childhoood.
One scene let me sit here with my mouth agape in shock. Jebus Robin shoot Joker! Good to knoe that after all the slasher and horrormovies and PG 18 Games i still can be shocked by such a harmless scene...
I have a soul, yeah!

And i´m worried about a silly guy who just went offline in the middle of a chat. Hope nothing bad happened to him.

HOLYFUCKIT'SONEWEEKTILLTHESHOWGOESUPJESUSCHRIST SOMEBODYHOLDME.

Kay. Think I'm good. In other news, we've got like, five props left to get, and then we are DONE. Wicked.

Still have to finish painting this fucking turkey, though.

Hey mom, I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but you're not exactly helping my self esteem when you A) treat me like a 5 year old, B) call me mentally retarded, and C) threaten to put me in a home because I'm 24 and having difficulties getting a job. I realize you don't enjoy my company or like me living at home, and I know I screwed up college (you don't need to remind me every day about that, I'm well aware of my ruined chances at a better life), but I am doing the best I can, despite what you think.

I don't complain. I'm grateful you're letting me stay here rent-free. I do everything you ask without questioning you, and I'm happy to do it. I take care of your house and your pets without being asked. So please stop saying things like "you don't DO anything" or "why don't you pull your weight around here". Or you could just, you know, treat me like an adult. That's all I want.

>>10649
The economy sucks, it's hard for a lot of people to get jobs. Could be worse, you could have a shit ton of loans from college and be too over qualified for half the jobs, not enough experience for the other half. Tell her a lot of people are having these problems. Also remind her of everything you HAVE done when she says you don't do anything. It's normal for a parents to have trouble seeing their kids as adults but a good mother would call their kids retarded or threaten to put them in a home. Which I doubt she would be able to do anyway.

Okay, i just heard now that i did with my comments, which i meant jokingly and playfull hurt a nice person. In no means i wanted to offend this person and i want to apologies to this person now RIGHT HERE. This person is a great person and a cool cat in generell. It may came to a misunderstanding, because i refered sometimes not to this person, but to a other one on the server (Deploying Kritz). In fact i like this person, because this person was the only one taking the thankless job as beeing a medic for the team. I even apologise once to this person, because i couldn´t protect this person before a spy. (I fail as Soldier.) And i need to say i was ever very happy that this person healed me and once was my pocket medic.
Yes, i´m a unsensible thoughtless person and my jokes aren´t funny.
So sorry for acting like a bitch and my fuckin snarky remarks.
So i want to apologise to TwoRefined.

I´m truly sorry.

>>10651
wat
WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS HAPPENED?!

Basically, that means I have barely any recollection of said events, so consider yourself forgiven in full, lol.

Also, thanks for the compliments, been a tad down lately ("WRITE, SELF. WRIIITE. I HATE YOU FOREVER. /sob"), and it's nice to know some people still consider me a "cool cat".

Last but not least, don't worry about the Spy. I fail at protecting MYSELF, and you saw that heavy duty lag I was carting around. I probably would always blame myself for getting back-stabbed as a Medic, unless you were a Pyro and staring right at me as I was getting face-stabbed repeatedly. So don't sweat it. The only thing that's really a pet peeve of mine is when I'm healing a Soldier and they pull out the Equalizer / Rocket-Jump away. I MEAN SERIOUSLY GOOOD. Same for you, too, Sticky-jumping Demomen!

I'll stop ranting now.

In other news, I'm feeling a tad useless and just TIRED all the time. Work is really taking it out of me, AND I still haven't updated my story in a while, AND I never do anything - even hang out with my friends, AND my mom brought this dude into out house who I really am not fond of, and he's going to be staying for more than a week! (A few days have passed already.)

Maybe she sees him as the "son she wish she had" or whatever. Well, no, she's told me that he is. Jeez, thanks, mom. I won't get into what he's done in the past, but let's just say he disrespected my parents when they were trying to take care of him and he ended up getting kicked to the curb. My mom tried to get him out of Foster Care, and he was a total dick to her!

But she practically fucking OBSESSES over him and brought him into the house against my wishes, and I just feel like she doesn't care about what I say at all. I've taken to holing myself up in my room with granola bars, soda, and poptarts and only ever leave the room to take a whiz. Sometimes I wonder what it would take to have her love and appreciate me as much as she does him.

/emo rant

Mood - WTF-ish.

There are about twenty ducks losing their shit at my window, quacking and flapping their wings and pecking the glass. What the hell is this? The Birds by Hitchcock?

>>10653
I had starlings going crazy outside mine today.

All forty of them tried to get into one birdhouse. Not gonna happen, birdies. Not ever.

>>10650
She thinks that I'm not getting a job because I'm fat (her exact words were "only Wal-Mart hires people of 'your size' ") and I don't wear a dress when I go to look for job applications. Also, my hair is too long. So basically she's stuck in the 50's.

I know she couldn't actually do anything to me other than kick me out, but it hurts to hear those kinds of things from your mom, you know?

I am fucking great right now. I've got a new man in my life that I'm absolutely smitten with and I don't have to feel guilty about it.
This next month needs to pass so I can see him at my next con! I'm such a girl, I'm actually counting down the days till I get to see him and have his arms around me.
If I wasn't so happy I'd be embarrassed with myself.

>>10652
I need to say in my embarrasement that i was this Soldier rocket jumping over a train to knock this mini sentry away. (You could recognize me, because i have the best hat ever. Cowboy up.) So i apologise again that i let you down. (I did need to made this pun.) Would like to chat with you later.

>>10654
Oh here in germany there are tits like ...everywhere. And a merl which is strange. Nothing more unsettling than a wild bird who looks at you and he is closer than one meter away. I´m happy the door is between me and him.

>>10656
Congratulation and don´t be embarrased for this... But why i´m talking like that? I am embarrassed with myself, if i start acting like that. Or thinking like that. And the excuse, i´m a girl so i can act like that sounds lame in my ears if i applicate it to me. But you´re a girl, you can act like that.

Buy something from Hobby Lobby, can't find it when we get home, naturally it's all my fault. It doesn't help my self esteem when I already feel bad to have someone rub it in like they're disappointed.

i snagged myself a job. not the most glamourous in the world but my god does it pay

>>10663
Good job!

>>10659

> tits everywhere

I lol'd.

My turkey is all painted, except for the stuffing. Gonna finish that, then glaze it, stick to the platter, and I am DONE.

Six days till the show! Eeep!

JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST

Had a bluescreen just now that could mean two things:

1) The new ATI driver update is shit and I simply need to revert back to an older version
2) My hardware is even more fucked than I thought

I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY NOR THE TIME NOR THE NERVES FOR THIS SHIT
Going to Steam now to test this. (Sorry to anyone who thought I was back, I just need to see if it happens again and all my recent enough games are on Steam) If it turns out it's 2), I will flip my shit SO FUCKING HARD GODDAMNIT

>>10667
Good luck, Perry! you really do deserve the best, and I hope that your computer recovers!

I fixed a bug that has been plaguing my engine for MONTHS today.

THANK FUCKING GOD

You know this one person? This person who is the Yin to your Yang, the Yang to your Yin but not in this loveway thing, but more Best Friend? This one perso who ever has shit coming at and still´s offers you a shoulder to cry on even if they have a bad time? This person who instantly knows something is wrong with you or is in generell ever very caring about you and listens ever to the trivial little problems you have? This one person who for once picked up the goddang phone and answered you for once in the most important time?

Seriously, if i should die and be reborn i want to meet this person again and become friends again. Because this is true friendship. We may argue a lot, we may shout at each other, but there are never bad feelings for long if we part. Or bad felings at all. Because we are friends. BEST FUCKING FRIENDS FOREVER! If i die i´m gonna look in heaven (okay he says we all got to hell but whatever it´s just warmer there) for him around. Cloud 8 Gaming and eating Junkfood that´s our place.

>>10671
Friendship in its finest form. Awesome. I'm always happy to hear people found themselves some real companions. I hope everyone can experience a friendship like this!

Regarding my computer, my graphics are seriously fucked up now. Getting bluescreens and/or severe graphic bugs whenever I play something with hardware acceleration. Fuckfuckedifuckfuckfuck. Thank God that computer service I got recommended to check has time for me next week. There's definitely more wrong with my hardware than first assumed and it's definitely beyond my skill. Jesus Christ, just when I was starting to save up for Christmas gifts ... I guess selfmade cards have to do this year. Shit.

I finally finished the fucking turkey.

Jesus Christ that took a while. But I feel good that it's done, and that it's beautiful.

>>10673
I misread that and though you said "I finally finished fucking the turkey."

It's good that you can get into that thanksgiving spirit.

>>10674
Christmas, actually. It's a prop for A Christmas Carol.

And if it helps, I misread my friend the other night. We were talking about boats in our roleplay, and my friend's character said "I jacked one off my uncle once."

I read "I jacked off one of my uncles once."

I want to support the Occupy movement, but not only do I have no clue where to find any of the protest groups, but I also have no clue if there even are any in my state. I really want to help out though, because it's such a good cause and for once I'll actually be able to stand up for something important that I believe in.

For months, I've been shaky and insecure and tempted to say things I don't actually mean, or things I know aren't...part of my personality, if that makes sense? Afraid of losing everyone I love, or worried all of my affection is one-sided. I want it to just go away.

>>10676
Google it. I did so and found out they even have support stuff for it in Hamburg, which is not even in America. You can already help a lot by going to a protest nearby or donating some money to the responsible people.

So I did not get the job I applied to. Oh well. I don't really need a job right now, and retail isn't exactly my thing anyway.

Boot camp anon back! Finally! Graduated November 4th as a early birthday present for myself :-)
I'm so happy to be back to the real world with electronics and nice people!

On a more aggravating note, Battlefield 3 refuses to play on my laptop. I updated my video drivers only to get a GSoD. Did some research and learned there's a new vBIOS version out for my graphics card and flashing it is the only way to get the new drivers to work on my card...which is the only way I can play Battlefield 3 until I build a new computer. I'm trying to gather my courage and smarts to fix this issue altogether.

>Ghost of Christmas Present has gold Chalice
>Gold Chalice is fucking beautiful
>Ghost of Christmas Present has sweaty hands
>Sweats off some of the paint
>Spraypaint it again
>Try to put a sealer paint on it
>Globs up and turns the fucker blue.

>Ruined forever.


All of my tears.

>>10683
Oh, man, that's the worst feeling...

Have a hug.

(Captcha says 'arethou partial'... Captcha knows I'm partial to theatre people...)

>>10684
And the cue-to-cue is tomorrow night, and then tech, and then dress rehearsal/the student show, so I don't have time, nor the budget to make another one.

Pardon my emoticon, but, ;___; .

>>10685
Maybe you could find a Halloween store that hasn't reopened as a xmas toystore that you could snag one from?

Today could be a nice day. I mean i got positive E-mail, did something for my dearest friend which i hope makes him happy, did finished a good book and so on. It´s dark outside and a wonderfull night were i took a stroll around the neighboorhood, because there is nothing better for me than a walk through the night.
I just love how different things seem to be than at night in the city. It´s more adventurous.

Than i find out something very important and quite troubeling about my best friend which makes me sad, because he never told me about it.
I wish i could be a better friend for him who can help him.

And i have a nagging fear deep inside me for weeks now and i hope to god i just panic for nothing, because i couldn´t emotional withstand it, if my fear comes true. Because i know what i should do than, but in all honesty it will break my heart.

All in all from a happy state of mind, where i thought i´m okay and quite happy i became now instantly sorrowed and outright SAD. I don´t know if you can call it depression, i just feel really sad, tired and nauseas.

[/b]GOD FUCKING CHRIST MUM I NEED YOU TO ANSWER YOUR PHONE RIGHT NOW FOR FUCKS SAKE. NOT TOMORROW WHEN IT'S ALREADY TOO FUCKING LATE. MUM PLEASE I NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOU.[/b]

>>10688
Nah. It all worked out. Managed to find some spray paint on sale.

Cue-to-cue went well. Only got home half an hour ago. Was there until nearly midnight. I am so fucking EXHAUSTED.

>>10690
Before I start my morning chores, let me say something real quick:

I know the feeling of helplessness all too well. But believe me when I say that friendship and support isn't just about being able to give good advice or fix the issue at hand. Nobody is perfect, so your friend can't expect you to be a magic-fix-it-all. What he can expect however is your personal support and that's not worth ANY less than problemfixing help. It's always great to be able to lend a hand, but if you can't, you can still lend a shoulder. Your friend will appreciate it all the same.

Have a hug and keep truckin'! Be there for your friend if you can. Don't sweat it, just be a great friend. I know you are one.

I could only figure out how to summarize my feelings right now in a scribble.

Pardon my handwriting, it's not the best.

>>10695
Thanks Perry for the hug, but really i´m not a good friend in reality. He told me im a good friend and all and i know i can´t fix anything, but it´s like i seem never be able to fix anything for him. It´s frustrating, if i consider how much he was there for me in my worst times (The really bad ones) and just listened.

On a other subject of matter. Got a sms, have no fucking clue how old this sms is and i just woke up now to this. Me not morning person and concerned as fuck now went online to see if person is online and therefore... well.

Person isn´t online and FUCK I COULD HAVE JUST TURNED AROUND IN BED AND MOURN AND JUST BEEING ALL BLERGH AND MAYBE THIS IS A GOOD DAY AND YEAH WORLD, HELLO S
UINSHINE. BUT NOW I`M FORCED TO ALREADY START THIS GODDAMN DAY! Yeah need to do some calls and other stuff.

I wanna go back to sleeeep, but i can´t.

tehehe, went to the hairdresser yesterday. she cut my hair TO DAMN SHORT on the right side but i hope i can live with this.
when she finished i consulted a watch.
1.34 pm.
FUUUU
we all wanted to meet up at the train station. yesterday was educational strike (?) Bildungsstreik. and i forgot it. uug

How do you convince someone that your feelings are more than just a crush?

Feelin' alright.

One day, I'm going to go out of the house and make some friends. I'm going to go to where the people meet, get past my extreme fear of talking to strangers, and make some friends. I'm going to have best friends too, and maybe even get a boyfriend like my mother always wanted. One day, I'm going to do that.Sorry, I just feel like if I write it down some place more concrete than my mind, I'll be able to act on it better, hopefully it'll become a more reachable goal and I will get friends who aren't only hanging out with me because they feel sorry for me.

>>10703
You go, Anon. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I think I know exactly how you feel, so more power to you!

One day, I won't fuck up enough to the point I have to run away from it. Today isn't that day. Not yet. But I'm bound to get it right eventually, right? It gets a bit better every time.

Things will be lonely for a while, but then things have always been lonely for while. Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for.

>>10705
I wish I could just teleport through the internet and give you a big ol' hug every time you post here, Kilo. I've already said it before, but don't hesitate to shoot me an email if you want to talk about anything in depth or whatever. Only comfort I can offer.

Picture to emphasize my utmost sincerity. Well it was, but now it kinda looks like a trollface wtfff

I can't decide if my friends are awful people and I'm their punching bag or if they're really trying to help me but going about it in fucktarded ways.

I have cried four days in a row now because of things they said.

First instance was when a friend was having ab birthday. Nobody had been online and I thought they were all mad at me because I skipped a friend's birthday because he was turning 21 and I don't feel like being around drunk people. turns out the party was the day I asked and "Wow I am dumb"s were said and then I was asked why I skipped. I mentioned the not wanting to be around drunk people thing and threw in that the guy who was turning 21 had been nothing but a dickhole to me since he, another friend, and myself started working on costumes for a convention. He basically would make fun of me the way friends do every now and again. But it has persisted and is so constant that it no longer feels like joking.

Not even kidding, whenever I see this guy at school it's always: Hi, something mean that didn't need to be said, walk away. It gets old.

Now, I get why the friend I was talking to about this said "grow a pair and talk to him about it" because I do plan on doing so, but the fact that they said they didn't understand why I was getting upset at all and that I basically need to stop acting like a 6th grader is what really set me off. Maybe I am acting like a 6th grader, but the disregard for my feelings in this situation is what really irks me.

Now the next thing happened with regards to my friend's gaming channel. There's four "regular" people part of the team who record and stuff. I had asked (back when it was /announced/) if I could play the new Assassin's Creed when it came out for the channel. I was told yes, I got excited, moved on.

So I somehow got the game in the mail two days early. I don't know how, I'm not complaining. So I asked the friend who does most of the uploading, "When did you want me to record?" He then proceeded to tell me he did not feel like carting an Xbox around, how everybody has been asking him to record lately and it's getting annoying and no I don't want to deal with it.

He said this on a livestream, by the way, in front of two of our friends. One didn't really make any comments for a while and the other messaged me saying I should start my own channel if that's how it was going to be.

His gf talked to him later since, obviously if it pissed off two of our friends, it must be bad. He apparently said if anybody but the main four (keeping in mind he has let two other friends dick around in games and was just fine with it) wanted to record they'd have to pay him, plain and simple.

Now, this doesn't bother me because I didn't get to show off how bad I am at Assassin's Creed, it bothered me because I was excited to finally be included in something my friends were doing. I mean, nobody invites me over, nobody talks to me because nobody knows how to talk to each other and I literally spend my days holed up on my computer reading fics on here and laughing at stupid shit on youtube because I am just waiting for somebody to want to interact with me.

So the fact that I am being cut out once again is kind of sucky.

Girlfriend of gamer friend (who, by the way, was the first friend I mentioned) then proceeds to tell me everybody has been trying to be delicate with me lately because I seem so high strung, and because I am just so full of rage (which is joking about 90% of the time but nobody seems to get that).

What do you want me to fucking do? When have I seemed high strung or made lately? I'm mad right now, but that's because nobody is telling me anything other than what sounds like "Nobody wants to deal with you."

Then yesterday I spent most of the day in bed, crying of course, because I thought of how inconvenient I was to my friends and how much I just suck, and how if I didn't have a fear of death so bad I have panic attacks about it, I might have just tried something stupid. Because I am just sick of feeling like a useless sack of shit to everybody I know.

Then today, not even ten minutes ago, a friend told me this, out of the blue: "Listen Anon, I like you, and I consider you a pal. But lately, I've been worried. You are starting to remind me of [insert friend who fucked us all over here]. I don't want to see that happen. Lets kick it and have a chat sometime soon, eh?"

And now I'm sitting her crying and whining about it on tf2chan because I have spent all five of my years of being friends with these people trying my hardest to not turn into somebody to bitch and complain about or avoid, and especially not the one who made us all miserable.

And my own birthday party is in three days. Debating on cancelling it, because I don't want to potentially deal with them all pulling me aside and giving me a lecture on why I suck or why I need to fix myself.

So my mother basically gave me these options to think over:

- get over myself and my issues, though she damn well knows that I've been struggling with a lot of shit for the past 10 years, I'm just good at hiding it when around other people, and study (tho I'm 3 years apart when it comes to knowledge of some programs that I don't think I'll be able to include in the individual program)

- take meds (I've seen what antidepressants did to my friends, and I can't let myself get that overweight, it'll just worsen the situation) and go to the shrink, even tho I've tried a few of them before and it did jackshit, it's just a waste of money and time, because these are issues that I have to work out myself

- if I won't do anything about it, she's ready to throw me out of the flat. Thing is, we have two other flats, but the other one is currently being rented and the contract lasts for one more year, and the other flat which is technically mine, is now owned by my sister who's taking care of it and putting a lot of money to renovate it. So that'll make me homeless in less than a year.

- Get a job. Which is not easy, not with my state of mind and current economy.

Wat do.

I wish I knew how to help everyone on here. It makes me feel so useless not having anything to say other than "Wow, that sucks".

Dress Rehearsal/Student show tonight. I need to not fuck up, and it took me two hours last night to fall asleep. I felt so sick, and so nervous. I didn't take an Ativan, though. I'm proud of myself for that.

I had a very pleasant day. Weather is quite nice.

> Don´t do anything stupid, while i´m gone.

Please don´t go. I know we don´t see each other this much. And i know that over the years it should have come different. Even if i said I´m angry on him, i didn´t mean it, because i can understand him. Even i don´t feel anymore like i´m welcomed here, so why should he? When did we forget to speak to each other? Did we ever know how to in the first place? I don´t know anymore what i should believe. I want to see everything in grey, but all i hear is black and white. I´m sick to my stomach of all this.

Wow, my day completely flipped around on me.

Woke up with what I thought was a billion things to do, plus five boxes of inventory to count showing up tomorrow even though I'd planned to go to spend the night at a friend's house. Was all grumpy over stupid stuff and just said, "Fuck it, lets get to work."

Got almost everything I needed to do done in a couple of hours, and the boxes showed up today, so I can go straight to my friend's house after school tomorrow. Now I just need to study for my anthropology final and all will be peachy.

Finishing a class early, getting In-N-Out and getting laid in the same day? Fuck yes.

Wanted to RP today, but I'm full and sleepy and it's raining soothingly outside and it's dark and quiet. Sleep wins.

Sorry, [insert name here]. Maybe tomorrow (But I kinda doubt it because I'll be working really late, buuuh. QQ)

Night, everyone.

Okay, my addiction. I went fourteen hours without having one of you. I'm not happy that I gave into you again. I shouldn't have to rely on you to keep me awake. I should be able to run fine on eight hours of sleep and not be tired. I don't need your caffeine, and more importantly, I don't need your sodium. Probably not your aspartame, either.

Rest assured, I will defeat you. I've already knocked one of you out of my diet per day. The trick will be to remove the other two.

Dress rehearsal/student night went well. Our prologue jumped like, an entire page, but other than that, almost no line flubs.

A few issues with doors not getting closed, but nothing too major.

And Scrooge's last quickchange was fucking SPOT ON. Felt great to see that.

I'm in an existential rut at the moment. Things have got worse since the beginning of the year and I'm sick of it. Everything bothers me too. Extinction of rhino, half hour of crying. Watching the end of Thumbelina, song makes me cry another half hour. Guy I want to reunite with not talking to me for months without a reason, 3 hours of crying in bed. I have no motivation like I want to, no passion for art like I want, all I want to do is watch TV and surf Reddit all day and night. I hate feeling like this.

Not expecting a pity party, just need to vent. Good night.

>>10706

I'll have to take you up on that, sometime.

Ever since I could remember, I would have one good friend at a time. I'd know and talk to other people, of course, but this one person I would be the one I would confide in my deepest secrets, share my ideas with, spend most of my time being around, look out for, and fight tooth and nail for. This pattern has gone on through the entirety of the two decades of my life I remember. I would lose these friends initially due to the frequent moving in my childhood, but even now with the internet, now it seems like I gain that friend due to fandom, and as soon as interest in that fandom wanes, so does the friendship. There's the overwhelming feeling one-sidedness. They say it's an Aries thing to wanting to be a friend's number one friend, and for me at least this is true. I go through the effort to make someone number one in my life but it seems like everyone I choose to do this with doesn't return the gesture, and it tears me apart. Why am I not getting what I give?

I'm getting tired of this cycle. I want to be able to have my one true friend. I'm tired of feeling worthless because a friendship is based around mutual interest and not geninue enjoyment of each others company for just being ourselves.

I know I'm a monster and all, but there's more to me than that. But since no one else can see it, maybe I'm just being delusional.

>>10719
I wish I had more time to be a pal, Kilo. Posts like these show me that friendship is so important and yet so few people seem to be willing to provide it. I know I'm just a random Perry coming by to say this, but heh ... I'd like to be your friend. Not sure if I'm worthy of being the number one special friend, but you are cool, Kilo, seriously, and you deserve the bestest friends. (And hey, maybe I'm at least a semidecent friend, haha)

You are a good person, Kilo. I hope you find friends because dayum, you deserve them.

>>10719
Aw, man. You're really breaking my hear now, man.

I can't promise that I'll be your number one friend forever and always (because who knows, right?), but I have a pretty good track record with keeping up with my friends, even if our interests have parted. One of my friends I've had since the beginning of 6th grade (about seven years ago), and even though we don't hang out like we used to, whenever we do, it's always a blast for the both of us.

In the meanwhile, though, back to you. You seem like you need someone to vent with and I'm you're man(?). Give me a call whenever you're ready.

On another not, WOWEE I REALLY NEED TO TAKE IT EASY ON THE CASH. Ever sense I've started my job, I've been spending a ton. ~$200 (mostly on food - beef jerky is hella 'spensive. need to stop eating it...) in a WEEK. I SPENT $30 ON HATS ALONE ON STEAM, TOO.

I hate the word alone, but... I need to make a budget for myself. Nothing elaborate, but I need guidelines if I ever want to get dat sweet-ass gaming computer of my dreams.

Pic because Kilo said he(she?) liked ponies, so... eee-yup.