Hi chan. It's been a long time.
I feel like I have nowhere else to turn, and I always felt right at home here... Already I feel comfortable talking about my problems.
So... things have been shaky with my ex. Really shaky. We've been on again and off again for a while not to be honest. Remember when I said we broke up a while back? Hah, yeah, that didn't last long. And a few weeks ago I seriously cut the ties. It just wasn't working, we'd argue, bad feelings everywhere, total mess. We still talk and hang out since we've always been chummy and on good terms with one another, when all of a sudden for the past month or so, ex has been feeling all depressed and stressed and what have you. Constantly. All the time. And it started to wear onto me, and so whenever she'd spill her guts to me (always when I'm in the greatest of moods mind you) it always makes me feel like complete and utter crap. At first, I was just upset because it felt like there was no way for me to make her feel better. No matter what I said or did, she'd fall right back into it a little later. Now, I'm outright pissed off because I'm sick and tired of her being mopey and stressed all the time. Nevermind that we work together so I'm always around to hear her complain.
So all of a sudden, she gets into contact with some old friends and starts ditching me to hang with them. Okay fine. Whatever. You need more friends anyway. We've only had eachother for ages.
Yeah except that makes me feel crappy because here she is hanging out and bro-ing it out, and I'm left alone at my goddamn house to stew and get all mopey. I'm a social creature. I need constant interaction. It doesn't even need to be like a barage of attention, just a little IM conversation would be totally cool. But nope. Ex just wants her space, ex doesn't come on steam anymore. And then she calls me at random times asking "Oh, are you okay? How was your day? I'm here now so it's okay". Okay, how do I feel? Lonely, abandoned, outright shitty, and so calling me up to talk to me about Persona 4 for two hours is going to make me feel better? Yeah. Sure.
This has been going on for a while now.
My birthday was on the 18th, and I ate lunch with my family then hung out with ex after since she wanted to spend time with me for my birthday. All was totally well. Got a t-shirt, got a book, nice gifts, all was well. Then we got into another tiff because we went to her house to play videogames. She gets her panties in a bunch when I'm bored out of my fucking mind while she plays Persona. Look. It's a RPG, they're not multi player games at all. Letting me make a decision or fight something isn't going to make me any less bored.
I leave, because that is just stupid.
I end the night on a good note, some online bros drew me birthday pictures and role played with me. Fun times. Ex calls me up to apologize, we make up, it's fine.
Now today, oh hah, that's what struck up the urge to post in the first place. I didn't talk to ex all day, I was with my family for Father's Day anyways. I got home in the afternoon and I'm just kicking it. She sends me a steam message at around 7 and we chat. Granted, she hasn't talked to me on steam in like, a couple weeks, so I'm surprised. It's totally normal, like it used to be, and then I decide to go to bed because I have work in the morning. We say out good byes, all is completely normal and good with the world.
Fuck me, if I thought it would end on a high note. She called me up at around 10:30, to tell me more about her problems, what's bothering her, whatever. Then OUT OF NOWHERE, she says she feels like she's growing out of videogames/anime/whatever, and that she thinks our entire goddamn lives revolve around it, and that I need to find more friends, and all this shit.
I. Am. Livid.
You're too mature for me now? You're too cool for role playing and cosplay and videogames and shit all of a sudden? I call her out on it and she just starts crying and bawls at me with "I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE WAAAAAAAHHH WAHHHHHHH".
Furious, I don't put up with it. Done. And I wasn't about to get yelled at by my aunt and uncle because at this point, I'm yelling at her rather than talking. I hang my goddamn phone up, and now I'm laying here in the middle of the night, crying like crazy, and I have no idea what to do or how to feel anymore.
I am essentially friendless. She was the only person I ever hung around with, the person I've been closest to, and all of a sudden our relationship became this toxic hell hole. I've never felt so crappy, so lonely, so goddamn terrible in all my life. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, because that's what she was. She was a part of my life, an important part of my life. We did everything together. And now I feel a vast emptiness.
And the fact that I'm going to wake up tomorrow completely alone is killing me inside.
I wish that at times like this, the great people I've come to meet on the internet lived close to me. I wish I could see them more often, not just at conventions. I wish I could be with these amazing people, because they're the ones I've become closest to. It just hurts because I want so badly to have more friends, but I'm just not quite there because they're all so far away.
And since ex was the only physical friend I've come to have, due to years of isolation for her sake... it's come to bite me harder than ever.
I feel like dying, chan. I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball, and disappear forever.