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1 .

Take 2:

Scouts eyes flicked from face to ruddy face. Sweat began to dribble down his forehead and his pulse was racing. He had been completely silent for 23 minutes and 37 seconds, not counting some forced laughs. 38. 39. Scout locked eyes with Spy. Shit! He looked away, then looked back, only to find the damn Frenchie's gaze still fixed on him.

All of the men were gathered in the back over a fire, sharing booze and tall tail tales. Fuck jokes. Sex humor. Naughty stories. And almost every single freaking word of it flew right over Scout's head.

"Scout," Spy said, a single hidden eyebrow raised. The kid almost jumped. Well, he did, but, like, just a little. Not really. "You are not following." Scout swallowed. It wasn't a question. The Spy saw through whatever thin act he had put on. Damn damn damn damn.

All the other guys were now staring at him, holding back their laughter. Oh, poor little Scout. Little boy. His cheeks flushed red and he dug his fingernails into the dirt below him. He looked straight into Spy's eyes.

"Nah, I'm followin'. It just isn't fuckin' funny, creep." This brought some hearty fucking laughter from Spy . The team couldn't hold it in either. Scout's voice practically shook as he spoke. They could nearly smell his fear and uncertainty.

"Leetle Scout does not know of sex?" Heavy taunted him. The man let out a big belly laugh.

"Of course I do! I'm not a fuckin' baby or nothin'!" Scout said. He twisted his face into a scowl.

"Oh, do tell," Spy mocked him.

Scout looked from person to person. His cheeks were redder than a baboon's ass. "Well," he cleared his throat, "you put your balls in her tootsie-"

He was cut off by uproarious laughter. Medic, who had been the best at staying quiet, was bent over himself in pain. Tears were leaking from underneath Engineer's goggles. Scout wished ReSPAWN didn't exist.

"What's so fuckin' funny?" Please oh God, Christ just let me fucking die.

"You put your b-b-baHAHAHAHA!" Demoman was snorting and doubling over. Fuck! Was that not right? Scout pulled his knees tight to his chest. Medic, feeling bad for the kid, tried to shush everyone.

"Scout, that isn't how it vorks," he moved closer to the boy who then shrank away from him. Medic repositioned his glasses and began in a clinical tone. "You see, ze man puts his erect penis inside the moistened vaginal canal of the woman, or alternatively, the mouth or anus of a woman or man-" Scout gagged a little "-and they begin to ungulate until finally one or both parties ejaculates and or reaches orgasm."

The room was silent.

"I di'n't understand a single bloody word, an' ah doont think Scouty did, either." said Demo. He took another swig of Scrumpy. Sloshing it about his teeth thoughtfully, the Scotsman eyed the Scout from across the fire.

"Ya see, lad," Demo swallowed his drink and raised an index finger in the air. "this represents yer wang. Ya stick it in the hole of yer choosin," represented by the forefinger and thumb of his other hand, "and ye wiggle around a bit until ye blow." He downed the rest of his bottle, satisfied with his explanation.

"Demo, zat is very crude. You're leaving a bad impression on ze young man und-"

"I really don't care! Can I leave? I'm leaving." Scout got up and was about to make a break for it when a gloved hand caught him.

"Mon petit chiot, you still don't understand! We can't let you out into the adult world a bumbling idiot. Think of the poor, beautiful women who will be dissatisfied by your tiny, inexperienced penis!" Spy made a dramatic fainting gesture. He pushed Scout back down onto the ground. The boy folded his arms, huffing and puffing and truly hating the masked man.

"You see, Demo has the basic mechanics correct." Demo saluted with his empty bottle. "However, to truly please your partner you must think of their orgasm, not your own."

Sensing Scout's confusion, Spy quickly told him what an orgasm was, then continued with his tirade.

"You must tease and please her- sucking on necks and nipples, down to her fleur," his expression was sentimental and he cradled his wineglass like a lover. "You must kiss her and prepare her and once she is squirming and begging for you only then," he looked into Scout's eyes, which had him squiriming, "you may slowly insert your manhood, savoring the warmth of her pulsating, wet, lovely entrance. Make sweet love to her and after she has spasmed around your throbbing penis, cum inside her... but leave before the morning comes as well." Spy took a delicate sip of his wine.

Scout was not the only one who looked uncomfortable. Spy was sure of at least four boners in the audience, which may or may not have been some of the intentions of his little speech. Heavy, cheeks flushed, spoke up.

"But Spy, why do you leave lover before morning?" He turned to address Scout. "Leetle Scout, stay with your partner through night and hold tight to chest. Kiss them and tell sweet into ear, tell never leave and keep true to word. Real men not slippery slidy snake," the last bit was pointed at Spy. Medic was now loosing his tie, sweat dripping down his forehead.

"EEE-nough with this NAMBY PAMBY ROMANCE COMMIE BUUULLL SHIT." The Soldier stood up from his seat. "SCOUT!" The poor New Englander jumped. Who invited the psycho to the fuckin party?

"When you have SEX, be careful of LOOSE WOMEN! Wear a condom at ALL TIMES! You never know if she has VD!"

"You don't wear a condom unless you're getting ready to have sex-" interjected Engineer, but Soldier snapped back before he could finish his thought.


Everyone stopped talkimg. The dying fire crackled as if to break the awkward silence. Sniper was giggling to himself and Engie was red in the face.

"I think you ought to sit down, Solly." And Soldier, realizing what he had just said, took the Engineer's advice.

Engie brought his beer to his face, partly to cover it. He was glas he was still in full headgear. He took a sip, then set it down beside himself.

"Can we be done?" Scout pleaded.

"Anyway," Engineer completely ignored him, "I don't think you should go 'round sleepin' with everything that has a pulse." Another painfully slow sip of beer. Just chug it, asshole. Stop nursing it. We have fucking larders full of beer. "You ought to take it slow with one girl at a time. Git to know her, date, kiss. Don't sleep with her 'til you've done everything else." Really, just drink the whole bottle or I swear to God Almighty I will take it and shove it up your "Let's her know you care more than any words will."

Whether Engineer was finished or not, Sniper spoke up.

"I respect your opinion, mate," he said to the hardhatted man, "but that's bloody retarded. As mercenaries and hired assassins," (the two are very different), "we haven't got time for all that courtship nonsense. My personal philosophy is to see 'em, greet 'em, an' fuck em on the spot."


"I'm not British, Solly. Demo's British."

"I thought Demo was Irish!"

"I'm nat fookin Irish you stupid cunt."

The conversation quickly devolved into a lot of yelling and nearly escalated into a brawl. Heavy was physically seperating Demo and Solly. Engie and Sniper were at each other's throats. Medic had left, probably to fetch a preemptive first aid kit.

Scout locked eyes (or something) with Pyro. The little man made a shooing gesture with his hand, and Scout followed his advice. He had almost gotten back to his room when he slammed into someone.

There was some smoke, then his team's Spy materialized.

"B-b-but, weren't, weren't you just-"

"I could tell you still didn't understand anything." Spy blew a smoke ring, then crushed his cigarette onto the floor. "I thought you might prefer a... demonstration."