1 . Name: Ze Doktor @ 2011-03-31 14:18

So... zis vas requested on ze other thread, and it peaked mein interest.

I haf done very little editing. I hope you enjoy.

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Scout Shuts Up

The battle had not gone well today. The BLU team had been thrashed by RED, mostly due to a new and rather skilled Spy who had repeatedly destroyed Engineer's nests and broken the back of their defence every time. Scout had not captured the intelligence once, Sniper had taken a headshot from his counterpart at least three times, and Demo had managed to blow himself up.

The team were angry, demoralized, and snappish when they convened in the rec room.

“That was the worst display of cowardice I have seen in at least three days! I have seen piles of my own excrement that could have done a better job!” Soldier shouted. “If I don't see some improvement tomorrow, I may have to requisition a new goddamn team from HQ – and you do NOT want me to do that, maggots, because those forms take at least a week to fill out! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!”

There was a chorus of variations on the theme of “Yes, sir.” It wasn't worth it to argue with Soldier. He could win on volume alone.

Sniper couldn't stop rubbing his forehead, right between his eyes. “Can't believe that wanker got me three times,” he muttered. Engineer patted him amiably on the shoulder.

“Ah, don't worry about it, Stretch. We were jus' havin' a bad day. We'll do better tomorrow.” He nodded at Pyro. “Think you'd best stick with me, partner – that Spy's a wily little bastard, an' I'm gonna need the help.”

Pyro shrugged, but nodded.

“How did you not see him all those times?” Scout burst out. “If you'd had your turrets set up to keep those assholes off my back, I would have got the damn briefcase at least once!”

Engineer hung his head for a moment, and sighed. “Look, son, he's good. I damn near felt nothin' but the wind when he got me. He jus' came outta nowhere every time -”

“Yeah, well, I think you were slacking off,” Scout said irritably. “If it had been me, I woulda seen him.”

“Son, I don't 'slack off' in the middle of a fight, and I don't take kindly to you insinuatin' I do.” There was a dangerous edge to Engineer's voice, but Scout was apparently choosing to ignore it.

“Well, how else did did you get backstabbed four times?!” Scout's eyes were a little wild as he continued. “That shit don't make any sense! What the hell were you doing, getting boned by Soldier or something?!”

Both men in question stiffened.

“Yeah, I bet that's what it was – you two faggots were having a sausage party while the rest of us were getting blown up!”

Soldier drew in a deep breath to start yelling again, but whatever he was planning to say died in his throat as Engineer spoke quietly.

“You'd best apologize now, boy.”
Scout sneered at him. “I ain't apologizing for shit, old man. What are you gonna do to me, huh? We can't die here!” He jogged to the door. “I'm outta here. Later, cockfags.”

He vanished, and the tension eased considerably. Engineer glared at the door, and muttered, “Mouthy little prick.”

“I zink we are all tired, ja? We are saying zings we would not normally say,” Medic said, trying as always to be the peacemaker. “He is young, and very stupid, Engineer. Give him time to cool down, perhaps, and he will apologize.”

“Ain't in his nature to apologize,” he said, still staring at the door. “Somebody needs to make him shut his damn mouth.”

“Wait just a goddamn minute,” Soldier said suddenly. “Was he implying that we were engaging in fraternization during a mission?!”

Engineer clapped one hand over his eyes in resignation. “Yeah, sir, he was implyin' that we were -”

“I WILL TEAR OFF HIS HEAD AND SHIT DOWN HIS THROAT!” Soldier ran full tilt out of the room, wielding his Equalizer and screaming war cries.


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After dinner, Engineer stopped by the med bay to talk to the Doctor.

He knocked politely before letting himself in. “'Scuse me, Doc, you mind if I have a word?”

Medic was making some notes on a chart at his desk, but immediately got up and waved him in. “Yes, of course – I alvays have time for you, Herr Engineer. How may I be of service?”

Engineer grinned at him. “I'm cookin' up a little plan, Doc, and I need to get someone outta the way for about an hour.”

“Oh really? Vould zis plan involve Scout, by any chance?”

“Weeell, yeah, it would.” He rubbed the back of his head a little shyly. “Seems like the boy needs some... talkin' to.”

Medic looked at him, one thin eyebrow raised. “Vould zis plan hurt him?”

“Hell no, just embarrass the hell outta him, I hope.”

Medic put up his hands. “Zat is all, zen. I do not want to know details. Ze less said, ze better, ja?” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Tell Herr Heavy to bring Scout to me. As I recall, he did not complete his last physical examination to my satisfaction. I vill keep him here as long as I can, vith Herr Heavy's help.”

Engineer shook his hand gratefully. “You're one in a million, Doc. Thanks.”


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The next day's battle went a little better, with Pyro watching Engineer's back and keeping the RED Spy away. They even managed to kill him twice. Without the extra firepower on the front line, making any advance was difficult, and the team had to adjust to the new strategy. The battle was bitter and satisfying, but ultimately ended in a stalemate.

Still, Engineer seemed remarkably cheerful as they filed back into their base. He joked with Pyro, and congratulated Sniper on a particularly difficult headshot.

He would not even acknowledge Scout's existence. The kid did his usual trash-talking, but the team were less inclined to pay attention after his outburst the day before. Medic kept glancing from one to the other, brows furrowed in curiosity, but whatever Engineer's plan was, he hadn't put it in motion yet.

After dinner, Scout thankfully made himself scarce. Engineer excused himself to go to his workshop. Most of the rest of the team settled down in the rec room to unwind, except for Soldier, who always spent an hour debriefing himself in the conference room after a mission. Medic and Heavy began a game of chess, while Demo wandered off to try a new homemade scrumpy recipe. Sniper was trying to finish Catcher in the Rye, and Spy had a stack of French magazines to read. Pyro was glued to the old TV set, watching some movie about a girl who could set things on fire with her mind.

After a rather peaceful hour, Engineer appeared, carrying a large, portable radio.

“Evening, y'all,” he said in his Southern drawl. “Got somethin' to say, if you got a minute.”

The five present looked over at him. “Da, comrade, we have minute,” Heavy said carefully. “Pyro, turn off TV.”

Pyro did, but not without a huff of annoyance.

Engineer tipped his helmet at them. “I got somethin' to show y'all that may be of some interest. See, I found out somethin' about Scout a while back, an' I didn' say nothin' 'cause I didn' have proof. But now I do, an' I figure his team mates gotta know about it.”

His accent was getting even more country as he smiled wolfishly, and set the radio down on the table. He turned it on, producing a burst of static, then tuned it in carefully to a crackling frequency that slowly became clear.

It didn't seem like anything at first, then it resolved into rustling clothing, moans, and a strangely wet, slurping sound, like someone sucking on a lollipop.

“Wot the hell is that, mate?” Sniper asked incredulously. Engineer grinned at him.

“That there, Stretch, is the sound of our dear Scout gettin' it on with the BLU runner.”

“What?!”

“BLU Scout is woman?!”

“Oh please, mon ami, we would all know by now if the BLU Scout were a woman. Or at least, I would certainly know...”

“Listen, mate, I've seen that jumpy little bugger through my scope a hundred times, and he's a bloody man!”

“Alright, alright, SHUT UP!” Medic finally shouted down the chorus of voices. “Engineer, how do you know zis? And how are we hearing zis?”

Engineer tapped the top of the radio. “I saw him 'bout a month back, when I went outside for some air in the evenin'. He was neckin' with the BLU scout over behind the supply shed. Now, I ain't sayin' there's anythin' wrong with that kind o' relationship, but he's still havin' relations with the other team, an' I don't think that's right. So I wired a transmitter into his headset, and this here radio is tuned into the frequency it's transmittin' on.”

“You said nothing before zis?” Medic asked.

“Well, you know I ain't the type to jus' throw around unfounded accusations, Doc.” There was that same dangerous edge in Engineer's voice, and the glint in his eye, as he said this.

The noises changed, becoming voices.

“...mm... c'mon man, we gonna do this or not?” Clearly Scout's voice, but far too breathy and needy.

“You sure?” An unfamiliar voice, but still young and clearly male.

“Do I have to tear your fucking pants off or something? Just do me already, you know I want it.” Scout had never sounded so whiny. The rustling of clothes became the clink of a belt hoop.

“What is meaning -” Heavy began, but Medic, who had gone bright red, quickly put one hand over his mouth.

“Shut up, I tell you later,” he said thickly, then turned to Engineer. “Do we really need to listen to zis?”

Engineer grinned again, his smile evil and twisted. “Oh yeah, I think we do.”

Spy sniggered behind his cigarette. Sniper had pulled his hat down over his face to hide his blush. Pyro – if he could look like anything, wearing that mask all the time – looked bored.

“... ow... OW, goddamnit, can you take it easy?! I've never done this before!”

“Ah shaddup, you're the one who wanted to get fucked in the ass...” There was the sound of something fleshy being slapped.

“Ooh... ooooh, that felt gooood, do that again...” Scout's voice was panting and moaning like a high class hooker. The slurping sound had been replaced with something... different, but still wet.

By this point, Spy had nearly fallen off the couch because he was laughing so hard. “Scout est une vierge!” he said, tears running down his face. “J'ai toujours su qu'il était...”

Sniper glared at him. “Wot the bloody hell are you talking about?”

“SCOUT IS A VIRGIN!” Spy shouted, before finally sliding off the couch with his arms wrapped around his sides.

Medic reached for the radio, but Engineer batted his hand away. “Really, we do not need to hear zis, Herr Engineer,” he said desperately, then hissed under his breath. “I zink you have taken enough revenge, nein?”

“Oh, no, Doc. Show ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.” Engineer kept one hand protectively on the device, and even turned up the volume. "Anyway, you helped with this, remember?"

"I vas not expecting -"

“... aah... aah... AAH... ohhh yeah... t-that's the spot...”

“Oh god... oh man... you have... the most... UNF... awesome... ass...”

“You'd b-better... believe it... motherfucker...” Both of them were gasping for breath now, and groaning in rhythm.

If Medic were any more red, he could have defected to the other side. Heavy was still a little puzzled. Sniper was staring blankly at his book, wishing he were anywhere else.

Engineer just smiled triumphantly.

“Oh... oh shit... oh man, I'm gonna come... OH FUCK, YEAH, POUND ME HARDER!”

The BLU Scout screamed in ecstasy in response, and there was a series of thumps and whines as the microphone, wherever it was, was knocked around. Then there was nothing but the sound of heavy breathing, and a rather wetter, more slick sound than before.

“WHAT in Sam Hill was THAT?”

Soldier had finally appeared, and was standing at the door rigidly. He was almost vibrating with barely contained anger.

“That, sir, would be the sound o' Scout fornicatin' with the enemy out behind the supply shed.” Engineer said. He smiled at Soldier, and threw a salute that would make any drill sergeant proud. “Jus' doin' mah duty in obtainin' intel to protect the integrity of our base.”

Soldier saluted in return. “Consider yourself a credit to this team, private! There will be a medal in this for you if I have anything to say about it, and I will!” He pulled out his Equalizer again. “Now if you will excuse me, ladies, I have a beating to administer to a no-good dirty traitor!”

He ran out of the base, and the team heard his war cries fading away into the distance.

Engineer turned back to the radio, and Medic asked again. “Can we PLEASE turn zis stupid gadget off now?”

“Oh, no, Doc, this is the best part. Just you wait now...” Engineer put one hand behind his ear, listening theatrically.

“...did you hear something?”

“No. You worried you're gonna get caught?”

“Pfft, no, I'm just -”

“WELCOME TO HELL, MAGGOTS!” Crashes. Thumps. Panicked shouting, and the sound of Soldier yelling about filthy traitors. Then quick, running footsteps and panting.

The sound of running filtered in from outside the room, and Scout suddenly burst in and slammed the door. He leaned on it, his hat and headset askew and his face shiny with sweat.

“Soldier's fucking lost it, man! He's trying to kill me!” he screeched. The team couldn't help but notice that his belt was still undone, and his fly was open.

None of them moved. Medic finally broke the silence.

“Scout, ve must have a discussion on ze appropriate precautions for safe sex,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Clearly your education has been lacking.”

This set off Spy again, who had started to hiccup because he was laughing so hard. Sniper helped him up and patted his back to try to help, his face still blushed.

Engineer finally turned off the radio, ending a long, high pitched feedback tone. He picked it up and nodded again to the rest of his team. “Well, I think the entertainment's over for one night. Y'all have a nice evenin', now.” He walked to the door and pushed the astonished Scout gently out of the way with one hand, who was simply staring at him and his radio with his mouth open.

“What, you got nothin' to say now, boy? You put on such a fine performance for us,” Engineer said spitefully. He patted him on the shoulder. “Ain't nothin' but first time jitters, I'm sure.”

As he walked away, Engineer heard a rising babble of voices in the rec room. Not one of them was Scout's.

He nodded to himself at a job well done, and walked on.