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You and The Team (25)

1 .

Hi guys, this is my first post ever, and I want some constructive Criticism please.
Here goes:


You and the team
For 5 years straight, you have been a prostitute. Your career with BLU had given you freedom from a cruel pimp, and a much higher source of pay, including the mercenaries you help to unwind. This contract you signed gave you protection, but at a high price. This was your new job, being a "companion", for the rest of your life.
1. The Base
Your first assignment. A BLU bases' strip club. The club wasn't supposed to be a source of prostitution, but a place where the team could unwind, and get distracted from the death and fighting.
But, a strip club never could be a good thing on a base, unless you had good dancers. You had shown the BLU executive officers your talents, and by the time you were in underwear, they were howling for you to keep on going. But, you didn't. You started to put your clothes on, and they gave you your first orders. "Go directly to 2Fort, and help put the mercenaries at ease." They weren't very specific, but you had your ways, and you knew what to do.
You proceeded into the truck parked outside of BLU HQ. You boarded the truck, and you heard the engine start, and then you started moving. The security guards in the truck started talking to you.
" I hear that you have some skills on a pole," he said suggestfuly. Would you mind showing us some?"
"For one, I need a pole," you said, "and second, I wasn't even assigned to you"
" Fine," he said, disappointedly.
The ride seemed to go on for two full hours, until the truck stop, and the canvas at the back was lifted up, and sunlight and dry air drifted in. The security guard lifted up your bags, threw them out, and kicked you out saying "Filthy whore, you wouldn't even strip for us!" You fell out of the truck, and a passing man helped you up.
He was at least 6' 11", he was bald, and very well the most muscular man you had ever seen.
" Are you okay?" he said with a Russian accent.
"У меня все прекрасно, спасибо" (I am fine ,thank you) you replied in Russian.
" I do not know vho you are, but it is nice having other comrade speak Russian."
" I am the companion who was sent to this base"
"Companion?"
" You know, um… good time."
" Vhat?"
" Shagging>"
" Oh… you must come vith me, to good club"
" There is a strip club already here?"
" Da hooker. Ve heard you vere coming, and prepared for you."
" That's… very nice," you replied slowly.
"Da, it is."
2. The Club
After a short time of walking through the BLU base, you claimed a room for yourself. Thankfully, no one came to your room until nightfall. The man that came ran the strip club and told you that you had the last shift.
" You have to come with me," he said "or you'll be cleaning the respawn rooms."
"Alright, I'm coming already" you replied. You got up, and then followed him through the maze like hallways, until you reached a large open space where you could look up and see the stars. You then looked forward and saw the sign on the strip club that read:Gentelmanne's Club. You let out a deep breath and pulled out a cigarette. You dug in your pocket until you couldn't find your lighter. A man tapped you lightly on the back.
" Do you need a light," he asked.
" You half scared me half to death" you exclaimed. This man who tapped you was wearing a blue pinstripe suit, with a latex baclavaca covering his facial features. He was also smoking a expensive looking brown cigarette.
" Yes, I do need a light," you replied. He handed you a small lighter, and you took it from him and thanked him. You light your smoke and took a deep breath. You then made a small smoke ring. The smoke felt so good inside of your lungs. The cigarettes they gave you were very high quaity.
"Talent," he said jokingly.
" Look, I'd like to know you better, but I have to get to the club. And here's your lighter," you said as you tossed the lighter back to him. He smelled of expensive cologne, and he could tell that he liked you already. He spanked you in the butt, and you gave him a dirty look in return. He chuckled, and then went into the club. You followed him in, and asked your boss were you had to change.
"Just change into something form fitting, there should be something your size in the back room over there," he said.
"Thanks," you replied, and went into the room. The room was small, had a large dresser inside, and a small bed that smelled like sex was in the center. You opened a drawer that had (your name here) written on, and opened it. There was an assortment of breakaway clothing, and you put on a leather jacket and skinny jeans.
3. The Stage
Now that you were fully dressed, you opened a small door that led to the stage and stepped out. The mercenaries that were watching the other dancers became quiet, and they all were looking at you. Even the band members stopped playing their song, and were staring at you. You told them to start playing again, and you walked to the nearest pole, and started to do what you do best. Several people are looking at you with the look. Then, you do some revealing twists and throwbacks on the pole. You rip off the jacket. Some people have started to throw scrip money at you, and you collect your payment. The spotlights turn to you, and you know this is your big impression. You do your typical final dance routine, elaborate flips and spins on the pole. The mercs are starting to howl.
After you strip off your jeans, more mercs started to even cheer for you. You finish that routine. Off goes your underwear. It snagged on the pole and tore off. This just changed everything in your performance. You had to skip an act, and move on to the grand finale. Several more twists and shakes gets the guys screaming for more and more. You leave the stage while the audience is screaming for you. And you feel a smile creeping up onto your face as you enter the back room. The room smelled different than it did before, and that was because the man in the pinstripe suit was siting down on the bed, smoking a thin cigar.
" That was a good show," he said slyly.
" Thanks," you said "but I can do much better things than pole dancing."
" Maybe you will show me these skills for a reasonable price sometime later," he said.
" All in time," you replied "all in time" . You put your clothes back on and pulled out your pocket flask. You unscrewed the cap and took a long drink from it.
" You are a heavy drinker too," he said, surprised.
" No, only after the shows."
" Is that so?"
"It just helps me unwind, that's all." The man stood up and paused before he opened the door. "I'll be seeing you tomorrow night," he said suggestfuly, and walked out. "Hold the door for me, Frenchy," you said. You walked out, and the noise of applause was deafening. You felt a hand on your butt. It was a firm clamp, but then it released. " Good job out there," said the giant Russian, He quickly faded back into the crowd. You walked out of the club, and started walking to your room. The walk seemed to go longer than you remember, and you felt stalked. You walked a little more quietly, and you could hear much heavier footsteps in the distance. You started to walk a little faster, and could hear the person start to run. You yelled for help, but before you could finish, someone injected you with something, and your vision faded away.
You woke up in a dark room, with what seemed to be torture devices scattered around you. You heard a man walking up. He was wearing a green army helmet.
" If God had wanted you to live he would not have created me," he said. He also had a very rough voice. His helmet was covering his eyes. How could he even see?
" Why are you doing this?"
" What you are doing is wrong, and evil. There is even a circle of hell reserved for people like you!" You just realized that he was talking about your occupation.
" You will suffer for ever after I'm done with you!" He pulled out a footlong Kabar knife, sharpened it, and started to make cuts on your chest .Each cut was longer than the previous cut, and it was also deeper in your chest. You had grunted several times, but the blade cut through a rib. You then screamed louder than you ever had. Because of this, the soldier kept cutting through your ribs, even digging out the marrow. He was now cutting them apart, and putting them into a small bowl. " I will eat your ribs, I will eat your very soul!" You knew that he wasn't lying either, until you heard pounding on a door. "Is ezrithing alright in zere," you heard a german accented person say. "Soldier, are you torturing anozer whore?
"Yes… um, I mean no. No no no, uh not torturing anyone."
"Zen vhy did ve hear blood curdling screams coming from your room?"
"…"
"I'm coming in, now."
" NO YOU ARE NOT COMING IN YOU FUCKING NAZI!"
"I'm coming now," the door was opened. "Shiiiiiiit," said the soldier. The German saw you on the torture bed. He shot the soldier in the head with his sidearm.
"You vill be alright," he said to you. He undid the straps holding you down, picked you up, and started to run. Your vision was starting to fade from blood loss. "Ve'll get you scanned," he said. You passed out. You drifted in and out of sleep on the way to wherever he was taking you. You waked up to find yourself on a gurney, with a mass of wires under your hand. They were glowing a faint blue-green color. You turned your hand over, and the wires were going into your body through your wrist. You exclaimed in terror.
"We are transferring your mind and body into ze respawn systems," he said quickly. What the hell is respawn you thought.

5. The Spawn
You woke up underwater in some sort of thick, gooey gel. The first thing in your mind was "BREATHE" and your body did so. You stuck your head out of the gel. A nurse saw you wake up and yelled for the doctor. He came to your side and helped you keep your head up.
" Ze first time will be the hardest," he said calmingly.
" What the fuck just happened to me? Did I die," you asked.
"Yes, you did die. It was our fault, not watching the soldier carefully."
" How can I not be dead right now… and what is that thing called respawn?"
" Respawn is ze zistem that resurrects the dead. Ve first have to have a copy of your brain, and your genes. Ven you die, you come back to life in a new body. Don't ask me about how it works, even I don't know."
" So, will I be able to walk, talk, that sort of thing again?"
" Ja, you vill, I'll get your clothes, and you can go back to your room."
" You can release me this early?"
" Ja, I can. But you must take these pills for zree days." He handed you a small bottle that said: FIRST RESPAWNS, ONCE DAILY IN THE MORNING. He gave you your clothes, you put them on, and eft the infirmary.You walked through the hallways of the BLU base, until you found your room. The door was cracked. Even though every fiber in your body was screaming at you to call security, you opened the door. The slim man in the suit was sitting down in a recliner.
" How did you get into my room, and who are you?"
" I am ze spy, and the door was unlocked," he replied.
" I'm guessing you want a hell of a time don't you?"
" Yes, a very good time indeed," he said. You half grinned.
" How much money do you have," you asked.
" Fifty five dollars."
" You're in for a really good time tonight Mister Spy."

6. A Good Time
"Look, because you are french and all, I assume that you are a good lover?"
" That is correct my friend."
"Before we start, do you want anything to drink?"
"No thank you. But I must ask you, do you do the gold treatment*?"
"That'll cost ya 30 more dollars spy." He pulled out 30 more dollars and handed them to you. Wow, you thought, he must really be uptight. But, he is just another customer, so get started.
"For this to work," you paused, "I need you to be naked. Fully naked."
"You are the dancer," he said. He started to take of his shirt. When he got down to his tank top, he surprised you. He had a perfectly sculpted body, even a twelve pack too.
"Well, get your pants off dummy! Keep changing while I get a condom for us."
"Very well," he said. You dug through your bag until you found the extra lubricated ones. You tore off one. These were also the glow in the dark ones too.
"I'm ready for you," you heard him say. When you turned around, you saw what seemed to be the largest cock you have ever seen.
"Get on the bed, on your belly." You were going to use your hands for a special massage. You Cracked your knuckles, and put your hands on his back. You started to knead the strong but soft skin near his spinal cord. He let out a loud moan, and he almost melted into the bed. You started to hear cracks in his back. He was clawing at the bed sheets. You moved onto his neck, and heard more popping. "don't stop" he moaned, and you didn't. "Flip over," you commanded, and he did. From the looks of it, his cock was semi hard. You started to massage his nipples. He suddenly jerked up into the air after you started. "I'm alright," he said. "You are just amazing, that's all." You started to lick and kiss his nipples. He was breathing heavily at this point. He said something that you could not make out. It may have been in French.
You kissed him on the lips. This had the desired effect you wanted, as you saw his cock go fully erect. That thing was gigantic. You started to take off your clothes, but realized that your pants and underwear were off, and sitting on the bed. You took off your shirt and sat down on the bed. You gripped his cock with one hand, and licked the head perfectly clean. He moaned. You started to put it into your mouth, your tounge cleaning the shaft. You paused to say "I might not be able to fight it all in my mouth," you said. He replied "If you need to stop for breath, grunt." You put it back in your mouth, and started to lick again. You had pushed three inches in so far. He started to moan again. Five inches. His cock was beginning to taste salty and bitter.
Eight inches, how much farther could you go. He was beginning to lightly thrust, and that made things a little easier for you. You began to feel hair on your face. "Mon Dieu!" he exclaimed. "This is amazing!" You kept on licking, and the room was beginning to get very hot from both of you. You took his cock out of your mouth, and opened the windows up. A cool breeze felt good on your skin. You told him that it was time for the business. He smiled eagerly and asked you for the condom. You opened it up and unrolled it on him. You put extra lube on the condom, just to be safe. You squatted over him, and stuck it in. It felt huge inside of you, and your organs rattled out of the way. You began to move up and down, and you both started to moan. You increased the speed of your movements, and the feeling was awesome. The spy was clawing at the sheets, and almost howling when you closed his lips with your hands. You did a twist, and pulled out his dick. He gave one last moan after that, and you collapsed next to him. "Zat vas amazing," he said. "I know," you replied. "I know."

7. The Morning After
You awoke at 7:30 in the morning when the Spy got up to go eat breakfast. "I wish you could stay in bed here, but you have to go kill the enemy now." "I wish I could stay too, after last night." He was getting dressed slowly. "I'll come to breakfast with you. How good is the cook?" "He's not very good," said spy.
After following spy to the kitchen, he went in through the front door, and you went in through the side door, to avoid any attention. You poured yourself a cup of coffee and sat at a different table than spy. However, spy had three cups of coffee on his breakfast tray, along with a small omlette. "Didn't sleep well last night spah?" asked an engineer. Spy remained silent, but then the soldier who killed you stood up. "Who wouldn't be tired after fucking that fitly whore all night long!" Soldier was pointing at you. You could feel everyone in the room staring at you and spy. How had soldier even see you come inside. All you knew is that you had been caught, the second day on the job. Even by the person who hated you the most. "I could hear you maggots through the floor! Dust was coming out of my ceiling, you were fucking each other that hard!" You do vaguely remember shaking the bed very hard.
"Soldier," said spy, "Is this related to you and the engineer? Looking for someone else to embarrass in front of their colleagues? Well, you have failed. If you liked being gay, why do you hate a professional, trained for being good in bed." You covered up a grin with your hand. "Why do you hate others so much? Oh, it must be because of you being mad at yourself for when you fell for the other engineer. Get a life." at this point the soldier's brain was probably hurting from all the thinking, and he walked slowly out of the room. "Ya know spy, you got some serious balls." Said a strong looking teenager. You faintly remember him spanking you in the strip club. Except that he now had a cap and headset on. He sounded like he was from Boston. At this point, you were ready to walk out, but refilled your cup of coffee, and walked out. The spy followed you. It seemed like he was going to say something important, but you spoke first. "Spy, you know that I like to fuck you, but we can't love each other. I'm still a whore. If we did love each other, you'd have to be pretty godsdammed tolerant to let me keep doing my job. I'm sorry, but we can still be friends. You can also remain my favorite customer too. Alright?" "Alright," he replied, and gave you a quick kiss on the forehead.
On the way back to your room, you remembered to take your pills when you got back. You did see someone walking to the kitchen in a full rubber suit with a gas mask on. They said something that you couldn't make out, but it sounded like a greeting.
Men started running past you as a siren blared throughout the complex. You saw the mercinaries run into a room with resupply written over it. Must be the armory of this base, you thought. You decided that you should get into your room, asap, to prevent being shot by the enemy. After a short sprint, you were back in your room. Just to be on the safe side, you closed the metal shutters on the windows. The sounds of explosions and gunfire grew loud, and you could hear faint screams of men being killed.
After what seemed to be hours, you heard the voice of an old woman say "STALEMATE, YOU ARE ALL LOSERS!" over a pa system. The gunfire and explosions stopped, and you could hear people walking through the halls. You opened your door and saw wounded men and some people walking while half dazed. You offered whisky to some of the men, and you asked them if they had seen spy lately. They said that he was in the end of the line at the infirmary, and you thanked them. After a short walk to the infirmary, you saw the spy on a bed. His legs were covered and bandages. "How are you," you asked. "I'm fine, but my legs are not." The doctor came up to you and told you that you should leave soon. "Goodbye," you said, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. You walked out of the infirmary, and went back to your room. You pulled out a cigarette and lit it. The lungs full of the thick smoke relieved some of the pressure, and the warmth felt good. You exhaled several small rings, and extinguished. You knew that you had to stop, as you were coughing more every day. You threw the remaining pack into the trash, and felt better already.
After several hours of lying idle, reading magazines, and drinking cheap wine, you realized you hadn't eaten in hours. A huge hunger crept out of nowhere, and you had to eat right nao. Just as you were getting up, there was a knock on the door. You opened it to see that teenager who spanked you. "What do you want?" "What I want, is some free sex," he said. "Everything that you want has a price. A handjob, is my only free service."
He pulled out 40 dollars. "What'll this get me? Its gotta get me sum'n or other." He handed you the wad of cash. "Sex and petting." "That spy got the best treatment, how much does that cost?" "Forty more," you replied. "Fine, I'll go with the first treatment." he said. Take off your shirt and pants, you commanded, "and get on the bed."
Because he was a teen, you figured that this was his first time. "Kid, is this your first time?" "Uh… no!" "Who did you first fuck then?" "My neighbor's daughter." He sounded embarrassed about that, and you didn't believe him. "How many times?" "Jus once" You were having second thoughts about this, but you cast them aside. He was, after all, just another customer. "Are you ever going to take off your clothes?" "Yea, but all this talkin ain't given me the time." "Well then, start changing!"

…………………………………………..

Now, he was fully undressed. He was in shape, and had a lean and slim build. This was going to be good, you thought. "Get on the bed, on your back" He was taller than you, even though you were tall for a woman. He must be on some kind of steroid, you thought. You stripped off the revealing clothes you had on, and climbed into bed with him. It was a small bed, just three small cots put together. You put your hands on his chest, and snuggled up beside him. You let your hands roam his chest, exploring the smooth, young skin.
After several minutes of warming up, you gave him a kiss. After checking to see if his cock was hard, you licked it once, covering all of his length. He inhaled sharply. "Just relax. It will be easier." You gave him one more lick, with the same effect. You sat up, and reached for the lube on your nightstand. You dabbed some onto your fingers, and rubbed the lube on. "Okay, now that I'm ready, get up for a second while i get on my back." He did what you asked, while you propped yourself up with pillows. You spread your legs apart, and hoped that he would know what to do. "What now?" "Are you going to start?" This is his first time. "This IS your first time. I just know it. You would have started by now. I don't really care, but just start." He climbed onto the bed, and figured out what to do. He stuck his cock into you and he started to thrust, each thrust being small but deep.

……………………………………………..

2 .

I... What? What the hell is this?

3 .

Prostitution. Why Did you make the models Rebb?

4 .

Seriously, though. What the hell is this?

5 .

What in the hell is this...?

6 .

What the hell IS this?

7 .

Prostitution, like I said.

8 .

"You told him that it was time for the business. He smiled eagerly and asked you for the condom. You opened it up and unrolled it on him. You put extra lube on the condom, just to be safe. You squatted over him, and stuck it in. It felt huge inside of you, and your organs rattled out of the way."

That is one of the least sexy sex scenes I have ever read. And I've read a lot. What the hell.

9 .

Look, I told you this was my first piece. It was bound to have some un-sexy scenes.

10 .

Nothing about this was sexy.
I did nearly snort water through my nose after reading Heavy say "Da hooker," though.

Also, why did you go through the whole story with the "you" character having an ambiguous gender, only to say she was a woman at the end?

11 .

Look, I know this sucks. Its not even done. I was just killing time, and wanted to see your reactions. I dont know why I wrote it with "you." K, Sorry.

12 .

Honestly, OP, if you know that it sucks, then the solution is to rework it so it doesn't, not to post it anyway and get smartass with commenters. People here are generally willing to help, but you have to put the effort in to make something worth giving crit to.

This, frankly, is word vomit. You have no coherence, no structure, and you haven't even bothered with proper paragraph breaks. Take a deep breath, reacquaint yourself with English grammar, and try again.

13 .

Not really what I was asking. If it's an "and you" fic, then you either stick with one gender or you keep it ambiguous. Sometimes you write two versions, for men and women. Just wondering why you kept it to the imagination, and then so casually added "for a woman," as if it had been obvious the whole time.

Also, if you "know" something sucks, and you post it, why would you expect reactions to be anything but negative?

14 .

I didn't mean to be a smartass, I am sorry for that. I know the paragraph breaks got messed up as soon as I posted it, not before though.

15 .

I'll second Applecup's opinion, I'm afraid. This is not readable material.

There's nothing really to criticize, I have to say. I mean, there's really nowhere to begin because the story is so flat. You're describing things happening that should have some level of impact, but events lack any kind of emotion or even depth. I have to hand it to you, I didn't actually think it was possible to write like a robot, but it seems I stand corrected.

Grammar and punctuation isn't as important as producing something with feeling, and frankly, this has none. It's IKEA porn - http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IKEAErotica

Take a step back from this and start thinking a lot more about what kind of story you want to tell, what kind of themes or plot hooks you want to include, and how to incorporate those elements into the narrative in a compelling way.

16 .

Thanks Doc, I just... guess I wanted to post something and, well, just post a garbled porno mess.

17 .

There is no shame in wanting to create, and no reason not to try to share your creations with the world, but I realize it's a bit of a kick in the head to hear that something you made isn't good. I think a lot of writers just get disheartened because they don't produce solid work first time out.

I think everyone can learn to be a very good writer, but really, it's an art like any other and it takes years to get to the point where you can look at something you've written and know that it's worthy of praise. If this is one of the first stories you've ever tried to tell, well, don't feel bad if it doesn't sparkle. Your next one will be a little better.

(For the record, if you want to know how to get good real fast, write something like 1000-2000 words every day. And learn to touch type. This is what I do and it seems to work pretty well.)

18 .

Thanks doc, that has a lot of meaning in it. Almost Philosophical sounding. I write a lot, but my first try at everything, basically sucks. Plus, I'm used to getting kicked in the head (thanks for concern) so I'm desensitized to it know.

19 .

Well, uh, /workshop/ is that way. -->

That's what it's there for.

Seriously, did you just not read anything anyone had written on this chan at all before posting? Normally I'm fairly nice to new writers (on paper, at least) and I try to give them a chance. But honestly, when I first looked at this, I thought it was a trollfic. Either that, or you weren't even trying, it's so terribly written.

But, apparently, you were trying. So I am going to swallow my initial reaction. Clearly, from the content of your additional posts, you were indeed attempting to write an actual story. But someone so humble as me cannot help such a crippled writer as yourself. You are going to need a lot more than help. You need grammar, description, plot-lines, dialogue. In fact, I would go so far as to say you may need to take (or re-take) some basic high school English courses.

Oi vey.

20 .

Well, I can't say this is great, definitely cannot. But you show a lot of room for improvement. As long as you take con-crit well you seem like you can and will get better, as for my con-crits to this story, I really wont bother, there has been a lot of crits already and I don't want to rub salt in the wound. Had this been my story I may have cried at what everyone said about it, even if I was thankful of the the criticism.

And if you need a beta you should look into getting one, grammar was terrible here. Hell, I'd even beta for you, long as you take all this criticism to heart and try to make it better yourself, on your own. If there was a way to redline a story and I had your permission to I would do so to this. Anyways, I hope to see another story, that's better soon. And as I've seen said already, this Chan /does/ have a board for people who aren't confident with their work or want to post something they know isn't great and it's called workshop, I suggest you post there until you think your writing is suitable for this board.

21 .

Well, this wasn't too bad. I didn't get through all of it - around midway of The Morning After, but it could've been worse. Like Green said, all the crit has been said already, but I think with a little brushing up and some dedicated studying of grammar and the likes, you wouldn't be half bad. Just stick with it, and watch out for being defensive.

I understand it's a little tough having something you worked on being ripped to shreds, but people will respect you if you stick to your guns, accept the challenge, and strive to improve.

22 .

Ok guys, chill. Its his 1st time for one, so obviously its not gonna be a fucking masterpiece. I like the concept and the ambiguous gender of the YOU character, but more details would be nice, and the way it was set up stanza wise was a bit messy until later on. All in all not a bad attempt, but it could use some work.

23 .

Thanks anonymous, both of ya

24 .

Kinda just skim read it, not big on sex stories. But I like the idea of waking up in gel as respawn. There's not usually a lot of explanation of how someone respawns. Sounds very sci-fi of course.

25 .

Not that this wasn't readable material, it's actually alright if one is very bored.

very casual, though, and in comparison to some of the bigger fanfics here it's pretty basic.

but it's not TERRIBLE. It's got a good core to it.

26 .

Chessolin, thanks. I kind of based it on: 1) Your new body is one of many. 2)Vats with bodies in amniotic fluid are present, 3) The body is grown in a vat.
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