Okay, I wrote the first parts of this fic last autumn. And I realised that I don't really know what to do with it anymore. I'm not used to writing romance or sex, and english isn't my first language. But, after reading this, I realised that I guess I still can post it and see what you guys think. Contains Fem!Pyros, with a bit of a OC tendency. I mean, we don't really know much about Pyro... --- The only one who knew was Medic. Of course, Pyro had been scolded for turning this whole military thing into a personal vendetta against her father. There are more mature ways of dealing with family issues, than to run away, disguise as a man and set people on fire every day. "You should care more about the way you dress, dear. No one will marry a woman who refuses to wear a skirt. Even at your grandmothers party, you turn up in jeans and that horrible blouse" Pyro had always been a bit tomboyish. And fire... fire had been an obsession. Several times, her family had turned for professional help when dealing with their daughter's pyromania. But here, here her skills were appreciated. She had also matured somewhat during these 10 years of her running away from home. God, had it really been so long? It had taken some time get where she was now. "Take of your suit, bitte" Medic said dryly. It was time for yet another standard examination, and Pyro had grown accustomed. But she always grew restless during the tests. The stethoscope was cold against her skin, the weighing and measuring was a boring chore. "Doctor, I really understand why you must do this, but can we please hurry up today?" "I am vorking as efficiently as I can. Also, it is quite nice to hear vhat you say, for once" "But it's Guy Fawkes night!" --- Earlier that day, she had tried to explain her plans to celebrate to the rest of the team, although with the mask muffling most of her speech, it was difficult. She consistently refused taking her mask off for any other than Medic. She didn't want to disappoint her team by revealing that she was female. Besides, Pyro preferred to listen. Her team mates were all amusing, with such strong personalities. By taking help from Demo and Sniper, the collection of bonfire material had grown quickly. They had even made a Guy, with their intent that it would resemble the BLU Spy. It looked more like a sack of hay, which was about what the effigy was made of. Late that evening, the team dutifully watched the bonfire and fireworks, after some persuasion from Demo and Pyro. Most of them started to enjoy it, although Spy seemed not very comfortable, trying to sit as far away from the fire as possible. Demo, on the other hand, was even more drunk than usual. He kept rambling on about conspiracies, english kings and how it would "serve them bloody right" to blow up the entire BLU base. The later the night went on, the less Pyro could understand him. It was a good thing that Demo had rigged up the explosives before starting on his bottle of scrumpy. Bad things had happened last new year's eve, and this time Pyro would be the one lighting the fuses. --- Later, when the cold had crept under everybody's skin and Medic had reminded people of that there would be battles tomorrow, the team started to retreat indoors. "Vill you be puttink out ze fire?" Medic asked. "Uh-huh" was all that could be heard as an answer from Pyro, who also nodded enthusiastically to make sure that the Medic would understand. This would be a wonderful night for the Pyro. She sat down close to fire, confident that her suit would protect her from burning her self. The fire was hypnotizing, but slowly fading. She picked up a bit of charcoal, inspected every surface and angle of it, weighing it in her hand, almost caressing it. It was late, but there was still time. She picked up her flamethrower, and watched as the fire from it was spewed forward. She span around, watching the glow, creating forms from the flames, laughing as she went on. Then, just as she was having so much fun, it ran out of fuel. Perhaps this would be a good time to roast some potatoes on the ember still left. Unbeknownst to the RED Pyro, her counterpart from BLU had crept closer. Or rather, just happened to walk over there. As the RED one was being so distracted by the flames, the BLU had no problem sneaking up from behind. When the RED Pyro's ammunition ran out... "Huddoh" said the BLU. Pyro got into a panic, seeing that maniac up close. They had often bumped into eachother on the battlefield, but it was useless. Every time they fought, it was an embarrassing stalemate. No use in trying to burn the only other person there with an asbestos-lined rubber suit. But no matter how odd her own team-mates thought her, they would always assure that the enemy Pyro was even stranger, like an alien. Now she saw her BLU counterpart right in front of her, and the flamethrower was useless. As it was during cease-fire, she had not thought about taking any other weapons with her. She threw a wild punch towards the other Pyro, but missed with a long shot. The BLU Pyro had not expected this hostility, but managed to duck and then wrestle the RED to the ground. The clumsy attack had only resulted in the RED Pyro being pushed to the ground, struggling beneath the uninvited guest. "Haarmph ahn" "Huh?" The BLU Pyro removed the gas mask. RED Pyro was suprised to see a woman of her own age. "Kalm dawn" she said. "Huamph huh he mmrph?" the still masked one murmed. "You sould take off dat mask" "Mmmph" "Otterwise, I kan just sit here all night" "Hurhd prrf frmph, wflnd oo?" "Even I kan't understand tat, ju know." "Mhuhu?" "And I've got veapons, and ju don't" she said, showing off her flaregun. "Not tat I want to use it. I just want to talk. Really." At first, the RED Pyro was hesitant, but what choice did she have? She longed for roasted potatoes, a shower and her bunk, not to wake up at respawn with a headache. The RED Pyro removed her gasmask, and felt the cool breeze of evening air on her face. "So, uh... that accen-" Suddenly, her speech was interrupted by something else. My god, is she kissing me? -- The sudden sign of affection suprised Pyro, but even more suprising, was the warm feeling that it spread. Almost as good as fire, she thought. When the other Pyro had drawn back, smiling with a silly grin, she noticed that she had that same grin on her own face. A moment's silence arised, the last few flames from the fire fading into a faint glow. Then she kissed the BLU back. As strange at it first felt, she couldn't deny that she wanted more. The two firestarters continued with slobbery, greedy kisses, flushed cheeks and warm skin. When the BLU Pyro started caressing the other's breasts through thick rubber, with an almost virgin impatiance, the RED answered back. What had seemed like an impossibility for just minutes ago, was now like feverish dream. It was difficult to feel much detail through the protection of the fire-proof clothing, but the RED Pyro could certainly feel the softness of the other one's breasts, the wide hips. Her whole body tingled with excitement, the suit seemed to be in the way, it was too hot, even in the chilly November night. As the BLU Pyro looked at her with a dim gaze, and those thick, gloved hands started to move down towards her crotch, the RED Pyro was suddenly awoken from her dreamish warmth. "You are still a bloody BLU" she said and took a hold of the other female's hand, as if to stop it from going further. The locked their eyes on each other, measuring their wills, almost the same was when one noticed the other on the battle field, thinking about who would be faster and more clever this time. "And ju're a damn RED, no probl'm. Hold mund og kys mig!" the strange-accented Pyro answered back with smirk, and just kept going, silencing the other's waning protests with hungry kisses and regained confidence. Both had now completely forgot about sitting just outside the RED base of Doublecross, in plain sight, until a familiar noise was heard. "Kaboom!" It was followed by foolish laughter, as RED Demo tumbled around with the boxes outside the base's entrance. The Pyros stopped what they were doing, almost freezing mid-movement. Demo look up, he was even more drunk than usual. "Where're the fireworksh? An..." He tried to focus his eyes. "Aye, I'm blootered as... I see two of ye. An' you look like a lass. How did ye manage tae get that hair under yer wee mask?" Before there was time to answer, the intoxicated man fell backwards, crashing down several more boxes from the pile. Taking their chance, both Pyros put on their gas masks, and silently waved goodbye, as they returned to their respective bases. The RED Pyro carried the demolition expert back inside, the poor man couldn't stay on his feet. --- Days went by. The intense fighting that most people never had to be involved in had become normal for the team. Perhaps that was why Pyro could sit in her room at evenings, daydreaming about her meeting with her BLU counterpart. What would have happened had not Demo shown up? And did he remember anything about it? It seemed like he didn't remember anything, but there was that sense of insecurity and danger. That meeting had felt much more exciting, and yes, dangerous, than the battlefield. There was no respawning from gossip. -- It was after Christmas, after the teams had been moved to Degroot Keep, when Pyro was cleaning out the castle grounds with her backscratcher. It was early morning, when somebody knocked on her shoulder. "Ghd mrrning, sulduh-" It wasn't Soldier. Without having any time to react, RED Pyro found herself dragged along by BLU Pyro. Holding hands, running across the castle grounds, sneaking into the castle... "Whhaddre dhoing?" "Sshhh" The BLU Pyro found her way around the keep way to good to be an enemy, the RED one thought. Suddenly she was pulled into a room she had hardly noticed before. Behind a heavy wooden door, was a room of modern style, filled with large computer, desks, papers... The BLU Pyro took of her mask, and took a deep breath before turning towards the confused RED Pyro. "SÃ¥, ve sould continue vere ve left off, right?" How could anyone resist that, after 2 months of loneliness, longing and... Intense kisses, slobbering tongues, the sound of fire-proof suits rubbing against eachother. They were so alike, and yet, the scent of BLU Pyro's hair was so arousing, no matter how greasy it was. The softness of another woman was heavenly, but they weren't any angels. By a sudden impulse RED Pyro pushed down her BLU rival, and started frantically looking for her suit's zipper. "Take it iisy, I kan do it by myself" the BLU one said. She stood up again, starting to take off her rubbery suit, continuing with taking of the clothes beneath too. The RED did the same. The two women looked at each other with glowing eyes and hot breath. Outside, they could hear the men of the RED team preparing for yet another pointless battle. With a large amount of uncertainty, the Pyros got closer to each other. It had been such a long time since they had seen another nude woman, and the atmosphere was tingling with expectations and sexuality. But soon, the hesitation felt unnatural and nothing could stop them from doing what they had longed for. They exchanged deep kisses while exploring each others bodies, laying on the hard floor. But the dusty and cold floor wasn't anything they cared for anymore. Instead, soft warm hands caressing shoulders, hips, legs... With tingling in their stomachs and between their legs, they sat up on the floor, continuing to touch each other, getting bolder and bolder. Soon the BLU pinched the one of REDs nipples. Since the RED started to breathe even more heavily, the BLU started to lick on the nipples, alternating between left and right breast, at the same time as she put her arms around the waist of the other Pyro. Carefully, a smooth hand rode up the thighs of the BLU Pyro. "Her skin is so warm", the RED Pyro thought, as her hand slided closer and closer to the other woman's crotch. The BLU Pyro's breathing became heavy as her clit was smoothly stroked. She was distracted from her lover's breasts for a moment, stopping to just look the REDs hands. The first caress was careful, but as RED Pyro saw that it was appreciated, to say the least, she continued to touch her lover's clitoris, sometimes wiggling it between her fingers. "Rare du... please, kontinue..." gasped the BLU Pyro, as she circled with her hips, pressing against RED's fingers. She wasn't late to follow. Carefully inserting a finger into the wet cunt beneath her hand, she shuddered with excitement when she felt how soft it was, and that it was easy to press in a second finger. With two of her left hand fingers inside and her right middle finger on BLU Pyros clitoris, she continued rubbing, trying to mimic the way she masturbated herself. Apparently, just as they were alike in so many ways, they liked their sex the same way. The BLU Pyro was moaning, sometimes small words of Danish escaping her mouth (ja, rare, jeg ...). It didn't take long before the woman spasmed in orgasm, trying so hard to keep her mouth shut. When the RED Pyro noticed how close her BLU lover was to screaming out loud, she put a hand in front of the rival's mouth. The result was a muffled shout, not terribly different from ones she'd heard from the battlefield. After a while, the BLU one removed the hand from her face. "Tusind...tak..." she said as she almost collapsed on the floor from the orgasm.
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
>>2 Someone has a strong opinion.
I'm not sure how I feel about this; the writing seems sloppy and the plot and characterisation could use some work, but there isn't much Pyro being written around here and girl-on-girl is exceedingly rare in the fandom, so I'm having a hard time finding other fics with which to compare this. Also, lesbian sex is not really my thing, so I couldn't say if someone else would appreciate this better than myself. One thing I would say, though, is that your Danish is off (why even make BLU Pyro Danish in the first place? It seems strangely random). 'Rare' is used incorrectly, I'm guessing it's a Google Translation of 'dear'? - use 'kære' or 'kæreste' instead. Even so, it still sounds horribly stilted and unnatural. I feel very sorry for the Germans, French and Russians experiencing this off-putting awkwardness all over the fandom; this is my first time finding my native language in porn and well, no. Just, no.
Cute little story. I don't see what the big problem is. I'm not really into reading porn (even if I do surf the chan all the time) but I don't see any serious problems. (and the Guy Fawkes night party reminds me of my friends)
i apreciate this even if it's kind of questionable if nothing else because it's lesbians wich is a nice change~
>>4 Thank you for your input. Especially about the Danish. Why one of the Pyros is Danish? Well, I'm Swedish. And since Pyro's speech is mostly just mumbles, I associate that with Danish. Also because of Danish midsummer (Sankt Hans), which includes the burning of a witch doll? I liked the idea of having Pyro celebrating in that way. But yeah, maybe it's a bit redundant to have two Pyros of different nationality? I doubt I will have the time or patience to keep on writing on this story though. Even though it doesn't even have a proper ending, ugh. This was mostly a test to see if I could write this sort of fanfics at all. I read Martys advice to "stick to what you know", and since I am female, I don't really have any experience on gay sex. But at least I know something about lesbian sex. I was hoping that if this was received well, I could go on with writing gay stuff, like Medic/Spy or something. But perhaps I need to brush up my skills before that.
7 You’re Swedish? Then all jokes about BLU Pyro’s unintelligibly mumblings are forgiven – other Scandinavians are not only permitted to make jokes about the Danish accents, it’s expected of them, and I now understand the reason why you chose a Danish Pyro. Also, while I don’t personally associate the Danish culture with burning stuff all the time, it is true that we celebrate Midsummer’s Night by lighting huge bonfires and chucking screaming witch effigies into them to ward off evil spirits (and inadvertently pissing off the local Wiccan society). As for different nationalities, that depends on your headcanon; most of the time, it’s assumed that the classes on each team are either clones of each other or just very much alike, so that both Scouts come from Boston, both Spies from France, both Snipers from Australia, etc.. Going against this convention is entirely legal, but it would require some explanation as to why Pyro would be the one exception to this rule. As for advice on writing fiction, it is not bad to ‘stick with what you know’, but a bit of research can go a long way towards making up for lack of experience. I think the issue your readers had with your Pyro story is not the lesbian sex (which, as mentioned, is exceedingly rare in the fandom and therefore very welcome for variety’s sake) but the way it was presented; you have the HOW but not the WHY of your characters’ decisions and actions. WHY do they do what they do? We don’t know, and that makes the story feel out of character to us. I am no TeratoMarty, but I do know that as a new writer receiving critique, the vagueness of the reviews is often frustrating (‘nooooooo’ is not very helpful at all, is it?), so if you don’t mind I’ll offer a few examples of how to improve your writing for your next fic (because of course you’re going to keep writing! It’s the only way to improve!): 1. SHOW DON’T TELL. Everybody says this but it is actually pretty useless advice to a new writer, because what does it mean? As I see it, it means you shouldn’t dump information in your fic to explain the characters’ backgrounds, or their surroundings, or their appearances. Integrate the information into the fic, show it instead of telling it, by having the characters talk about it, act in ways that reflect it, interact with it. In your story, you info-dump several times; the first paragraph is supposed to be the hook that snags your readers and make them want to read more, but that effect is spoiled by it being an info-dump about Pyro’s background and her problems with her family. If you really want your readers to know (it’s information that’s not really relevant to your story, so you could leave it out entirely), maybe use the interaction with Medic to explain it. 2. CUT DOWN ON YOUR SCENES. For the new writer, fanfiction comes in two overall formats: The short story (one scene) and the series (multiple chapters/scenes). Your Pyro story tries to combine both of these formats and unfortunately it doesn’t work; the scene changes feel abrupt and jumbled, and they are unnecessary to the story. I understand that you want to tell a story, but which story do you want to tell? Decide, and choose a single scene to stick with. In your story, the scene of focus could be either the first encounter at the bonfire (the logical choice, which allows for a sequel) or the second at the Keep, but not both in the same fic. Use flashbacks and character thoughts instead of scene changes; this makes the story less jumbled and allows your reader a view into your character’s mind. 2. EXPLAIN THE WHYS OF YOUR CHARACTERS. Expand on the characters’ background stories if it’s relevant to the fic, but ONLY if it is relevant to the fic. In your Pyro story, the introduction is not really necessary to the plot; we don’t need to know that Pyro had problems with her father since it has no influence on her later actions. Maybe it can be allude to through conversations and interactions with other characters, but you don’t really need it. What you DO need is an explanation for why BLU Pyro approaches RED in the first place, why she chooses to reveal herself, and why RED Pyro responds the way she does. Why does BLU want to talk? Why do they end up kissing? Why does RED go along with it (if someone whom I have no reason to trust attacked me, threatened me with weapons while I was weaponless, held me down and made me expose a vulnerability, then kissed me with no warning, I probably wouldn’t be grinning silly afterwards, no matter how hot they were). Have RED and BLU Pyro interacted in the past? Have they built up a respectful I’ll-leave-you-alone-if-you-leave-me-alone kind-of-trust between them since they can’t attack each other with their main weapons during battles? Does BLU know that RED is a woman, and how does she know, or is she as surprised to see RED as RED is to see her? There are a lot of questions to ask here, and they need to be answered in your story. I don’t know if this advice, generic as it is, will be helpful to you, but I can only tell you to keep reading other people’s fics and pay attention to the writing as much as to the story itself, and keep writing! It’s the only way to improve. Good luck!
8. Thank you for your input. I can see that it makes sense, and makes me understand some of the mistakes I've done. Perhaps I will one day make an updated version if this fic that is more focused. You are right that I had a hard time to chose what kind of story I wanted to write. Did I want to write quick smut, or some type of longer romantic story with character development? So yes, I really appreciate this type of critique that is spot-on, but still polite.
I tried to read it, I honestly did, but I couldn't. It was mostly the grammar that was off-putting (which is understandable, seeing as how you're ESL). If you want someone to at least go over the grammar and spelling, I would be glad to do that for you, and possibly give you some suggestions on how to improve your writing over all. If you're interested, let me know and I'll give you my e-mail.