1 . Name: Queen @ 2011-08-22 22:01

Iz requested this fic in the Request Thread. Warnings for suicide and gore... Also, it is my personal head canon that the Pyro is a female, and the Soldier talks in all CAPS. (Also, first post evar. Woooooo!)

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Une Petit Mort

“Somethin’s wrong here...”

The BLU Spy looked up from his spot on the floor to the Sniper at the window. “I assume you mean the odd behavior of the RED team?”

“Behavior? That ain’t behavior, it’s downright damn stupidity!” Sniper pulled his rifle from the window and propped it up against the wall. “I just capped their Pyro, dancing in the middle of the field. Didn’t even have their flamethrower with ‘em!”

The door to the small shack burst open. BLU Scout stumbled in, dragging his baseball bat that was positively painted in blood. He laughed and flopped on the floor opposite of the Spy. “Man, you shoulda seen me out there!” he said. “I was bustin’ heads, left and right! They’re fighting like complete shit today! I even had their Medic try to fist fight me!”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING HERE, PRIVATE?” The BLU Soldier bust in through the door. “THERE’S STILL A WAR TO BE WON, NANCY BOY, SO GET OUT THERE, AND GET WINNING. AND YOU TWO!” He pointed at the Spy and Sniper. “GET YOUR ASSES UP AND MARCH.”

“There’s no point in fightin’, ya stupid dolt!” the BLU Demoman said as he came up, slapping the Soldier upside the head. “They’re fightin’ like li’l girls today! … Worse than li’l girls!”

The Soldier fixed his helmet that had been upturned by the Demoman’s slap. “THAT’S NO EXCUSE FOR LAZING ABOUT, YOU DAMN SCOTT.”

“So you’ve noticed it too?” the Sniper asked Demoman.

“Oh, aye. I be blind and drunker than a newt, but even I can see that they’re just downright stupid today.” The Demoman took a long swig from his bottle. “It’s depressin’. They’re be no point in blowing them to smithereens when they <i>beg</i> for it. Oh, aye! Begged! Their wee li’l Scout was begging for me to sticky bomb ‘im!”

The Spy scratched his chin thoughtfully. “This is an interesting situation… While it is far from a problematic one, it is an alarming one.”

“Yeah, no problem in easy work, easy pay,” the Sniper said, taking his post back at the window. “But still, this is downright bloody bonkers. … Hey, lookit here.”

The others gathered around the window and squinted down the hill below. “Demoman, dude, don’t breathe on me,” said the Scout, elbowing the offender in the padded ribs.

“I’ll breathe wherever I bloody want, you girlish narboffer.”

“Da fuck? Is that even a word?”

“Quiet, both of you.” The Sniper pointed at the scene he was eyeing through his scope. “See that? It’s our Pyro. And over there-“ he pointed again, “-is their respawn point. I just saw their Heavy ‘round there.”

As soon as he said those words, the RED Heavy burst out from behind a bolder, roaring and charging straight at the BLU Pyro. The Heavy’s arms were spread wide open, like he was coming in for a big bear hug. There was even a huge, ecstatic smile on his face. The BLU Pyro’s posture suggested boredom as she held her ground, and the moment when Heavy was in range, she ignited the Russian with one short, lazy blast of her flamethrower.

The Heavy continued charging, having blown straight past her, his shouting heard nearly throughout the entire battlefield. “OOOOOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEES!” His steps slowed to a halt, and the bulky, burning mass of the Heavy raised his arms into the air. He dropped to his knees and gave another, “YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!” before he flopped forward. His body twitched a few times before becoming still.

The BLU Pyro came up to the still burning body, blew a puff of air to extinguish the flames, and sluggishly kicked the corpse. She pulled her mask off, ran her hand through her red hair, and began to walk up to the shack where the others were.

“This, is fucking stupid,” she said, throwing her flamethrower to the ground when she reached the building. “I mean, I’m starting to get bored of setting their asses fires. ME. Getting bored of FIRE.”

“You ain’t the only one, li’l missy,” the Demoman said. He then let out a large belch.

The Soldier waved his hand in front of his face, trying to clear the air. “WELL, <i>I</i> NEVER GET BORED OF SEEING THOSE LOSERS GET WHAT’S COMING TO THEM. SO WHEN YOU’RE ALL DONE BEING WUSSES AND SHIRKING YOUR DUTY, I’LL BE OUT ON THE BATTLEFIELD, BEING A REAL MAN. THAT IS KILLING OTHER MEN, AND LAUGHING IN THE FACE OF THEIR DEATHS.”

After the Soldier turned on his heel and marched out, the Spy was tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Has anyone here died today?”

“What you mean, Spook?” the BLU Scout asked, picking at the crusted blood on his bat.

“I mean, has anyone on BLU died and respawned today?”

“Not me,” said the Scout. “‘cause I’m <i>awesome</i>.” The Pyro shook her head, and the Sniper also answered with a negative. Demoman was in the corner, out cold.

“I have not yet died today either,” said the Spy. He stood up and placed a fresh cigarette between his lips. “If I also remember correctly, our team was also the one to draw first blood, oui? Our Heavy took out their Engineer.”

The other three were silent as they reassessed their memory, the laughter of a RED Medic and a subsequent explosion filtering through the window. They nodded that the Spy was correct. “They have died many, many deaths today,” said the Spy. “And let’s be reasonable, they weren’t even trying.”

“In the beginning they were,” said the Pyro. “I had a good fight with their Demoman before I offed him.” A thought then seemed to hit her. “But, right after that, he came straight back to me, and I ended up scorching him about three times in a row, no prob.”

The Spy nodded. “They welcome death.”

“But why?” the Sniper asked. “Respawning’s a pain in the ass, and they’ve never been the ‘let’s just give up’ type.”

“Maybe they just like dying,” the Scout said, shrugging.

The Spy’s eyes widened at the comment, and he was silent for a few moments. “Maybe they do like dying…” he repeated.

“What are you thinking, Spy?” Pyro asked, eyeing her teammate carefully.

The Spy didn’t answer. Instead, he walked over to the Demoman, and began to kick him. “Wake up, you fool.”

It took a few well placed kicks, but the Demoman soon sat up and growled. “What the fuck is your problem?! Can’t a man sleep in his own booze and piss in peace?”

“You are awake then?” the Spy asked.

“I’m awake now, you bloody-“ the Demoman started, but was unable to continue when the Spy pulled out his gun and shoot the man point blank in the forehead.

“Holy shit!” the Scout shouted, jumping up and backing away, along with the Pyro and Sniper. “You fuckin’ crazy, man?!”

“It is a test,” the Spy said calmly, holstering his pistol. He flicked some Demoman brain goo off his shoulder. “Hopefully, when he comes back from Respawn, we will have some answers.”

“You’re fuckin’ sick,” the Spy said. The Pyro burst out laughing at the extreme cruelty of it all. Outside, there was shouting of the RED Scout (“Oh yeah, baby! Come to poppa!”) and sentry fire. (“Awwwwww yeah!”)

A little over a minute later, they heard thundering footsteps, and the Demoman came bursting through the door. He charged up to the Spy, grabbed him by the collar, and pushed him up against the wall.

“No, man, don’t do it!” the Spy cried out, and tried to separate the two men. “Don’t kill him!”

“I’m not goin’ ta kill ‘im! I’m goin’ ta get ‘im to kill me!” the Demoman shouted.

“What in the blazes-“ the Sniper said.

“Kill me!” the Demoman shouted, spittle flying and eyes wide. “Kill me again, you magnificent bastard!”

“Dude, why the fuck would you want to die again?” the Scout asked.

“Because it was the best damn coming I’ve had in ages!”

“Wait, what are you talking about…?” started the Pyro, but her eyes caught on something below the Demoman’s belt. Her eyes grew wide, and she started to laugh again, even harder than before, and pointed at the Demoman’s crotch.

The Scout looked where she was pointing and jumped at the sight of the Demoman’s erection pushing against the crotch guard and slightly damp smiley face. “Holy shit man, put that thing away!” he shouted, covering his eyes. The Pyro only cackled louder.

“This is wrong,” the Sniper said, covering his face with his hat. “This is just wrong.”

“I was unaware I caused such feelings in you,” the Spy quipped.

“I’ll go down on ye if ya’d just kill me again!” the Demoman shouted.

“Oh, there’s no need,” replied the Spy. He pulled out his pistol and put it to the Demoman’s temple. He pulled the trigger, and the Demoman fell backward, his face contorted in ecstasy. Spy watched and saw that indeed, the Demoman had an orgasm, and the smiley face grew even damper. The Pyro was now clutching her sides, howling with laughter. “It seems our mystery, has been solved.”

“What in the blue blazes are you going on about?” asked the Sniper.

“It seems that when we die and respawn, we orgasm,” answered the Spy. The Scout could only gape at the man’s bluntness. “It even seems that dying itself is pleasurable now.”

“You really think so?” asked the Pyro, having calmed down to only giggle fits.

“It would answer why our opponents are playing like they are,” said the Spy. To reinforce his answer, a loud yell from the RED Heavy came through again. This time, there was no doubt in their minds that the screaming was that of a very, very satisfied man.

“But… but how?” the Scout asked, completely dumbfounded.

The Spy shrugged as he took out his pistol again. “Who knows?” He placed the gun at his own temple, and nodded at his teammates. “But I am not about to deny a good opportunity when it presents itself. See you later, my friends.” With that he pulled the trigger.

“I can’t fuckin’ believe this,” said the Scout, trying to wipe Spy’s blood out of his eyes. “I mean, why would-“

“SURPRISE!” cried the Pyro, slamming the Scout’s own baseball bat into the back of his skull. After the Scout and his broken skull crumpled to the ground, she took her flare gun, and pointed it at her face. With a quick, “See you on the other side!” to the Sniper, she also went out in a blaze of glory and death throe-orgasmic bliss.

Outside the shack, there was more shouting, hooting, and crying (out in pleasure). The Sniper stood still for a moment, staring at the mess before him. Slowly, he placed his rifle on the ground, and pulled out his machete.

“If you can’t beat ‘em…”

FINITE.