okay hi that's like my first adult fanfiction nice to meet you /afanfic/ So FIRST OF ALL English is not my frst language, so I'm sorry for the spelling.grammars and other errors ! ALSO this fic contains somnophilia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somnophilia), so if you are not comfortable with that kind of thing you should not read that. okay prepare yourselves here it comes. The night was starting to fall on Badlands. REDs and BLUs had stop fighting for a while now, and left again on a stalemate. In the RED base the evening went as usual. The crew ate all together around the big table where everyone screams about everything and anything. No they don't talk, they just yell really. Then everyone returned to their own business before getting some restful sleep. Engineer was usually the last one to go to bed, always working on all his crap or the "useless pieces of metal all over the fucking base" like scout would like to name it. That kid will never understand the magnificence of engineering. So as usual Engie would go to bed quite late, while everyone was already sleeping. However tonight, like most of the guys, he had drunk a bit more than he usually did for some reason - I'm not saying he was totally drunk, we are talking about Engineer here not Demoman. He entered his room the most quietly as possible. He shared room with Soldier so he tried not to wake him up, because he knew how grumpy that man was when you do. The little guy sat on his bed to take his shoes off. Soldier's bed was just in front of him. Soldier was really chilly would always sleep under his sheets. He also snored a bit loud, but not as much as Heavy, that guy was the only one to not share room with anyone because holy crap you cannot sleep next to that. But anyway back to the Texan. He unbuttoned his overalls and started opening his shirt. Soldier, sleeping, was facing him. Engineer never told him but he thought he was really attracted by him, but their relation was kind of.... Complicated. Soldier would not act like over Engineer like he would over anyone else, he was always less brutal with him and sometimes get interested in him before suddenly changing the conversation plot or just leaving, so Engineer never really knew how he felt about him. But tonight Engie was a little bit more... "Attracted" to Soldier than habitually. Was it the beer or just some sudden sexual tension ? Could he possibly try to... No. No no no he wasn't going to do that, that's really screwed up. But in the other hand, that was really tempting... And alcohol wasn't helping. Engineer stood up and took his overalls off, remaining in briefs and with his opened shirt, biting his lower lip. He knew he would regret what he was going to do. He started approaching soldier's bed, and in a quick and neat movement, took the sheets off. Soldier was resting in briefs and sleeveless shirt, his right hand on his torso, the other next to his face. Engineer's heart never beat that fast before. His right hand started running on his body, slowly from the stomach to the chest. He tried to take his hand off his chest, scared of waking him up, but eventually manged put it along his body. Engineer put his hand under his shirt on his stomach, and with the help of his other hand, started pulling Soldier's shirt up really, really slowly. His snorting would help Engineer see if he was waking him up or not, and damn wasn't Soldier a heavy sleeper. He managed to pull the shirt over his chest, letting his whole torso to Engie's sight. And what a good sight. Engineer didn't know what he was doing at all, he just knew he SHOULDN'T do that, but couldn't resist. His hand started running down his body again, but touching his skin this time, and this feeling was so good. His hand reached the lower half of his body, and before hesitating a bit, Engineer eventually put it on the sensitive part. Soldier was still in a really deep sleep, maybe too deep, because as Engineer noticed before putting his fingers on it, it wasn't sleeping down there. He started stroking it through the piece of clothe Soldier was still wearing, but engineer quickly started to pull it of before Soldier would wake up. He did it very slowly, overseeing the littlest movement of Soldier's body, but managed to do it without any accident. Soldier's hard cock was lying on his belly, almost reaching his belly button if you want an idea. Engineer would almost die from stress. It was like a dream coming true : Soldier naked and hard just lying here in front of him. Okay he wasn't really conscious but still. Engineer took of his shirt, knelled next to the bed, and gently grabbed Soldier's penis, before starting to stroke it, for real this time. After some up-and-down movements, and making sure soldier was still sleeping, Engineer started approaching his face to the thing, wondering if he could just, maybe... He leaned a bit, and start licking what was standing in his left hand, to then proceed and put the whole in his mouth, glancing at Soldier's face and listening if the snorting would stop, but nothing. With his other hand, he start touching himself, and after some time, took his underwear off before standing next to Soldier's bed again. He didn't care about anything anymore at this stage. He start climbing on the bed, putting his left knee on the other side on the bed, next to Soldier's, and in a very slow movement, he laid down on Soldier's body, putting his hand on his shoulders, face-on-face, chest-on-chest, and genitals-on-genitals. He could feel Soldier breathing and feel the movement of his chest,going up and down slowly. He closed his eyes for a minute, savoring that moment he would maybe never taste again after what he was doing. After a minute so, he started humping on soldier's body, stroking his penis against Soldier's, breathing heavily, his heart beating even faster. That's when the snort suddenly stop. Engineer's heart stopped as well. That was it, he was going to die he knew it. Soldier grumbled some words, turning his head to end face-to-face with engineer. He quickly start to understand what was happening, and that a man was lying naked on him. And that this man was hard. As well as him. Almost naked too. But he just stayed speechless, his eyes wide opened starring at Engie's, trying to search for answers. But instead of answers, Engineer gave him a kiss, and seeing that Soldier didn't react, he kissed him again. After a short moment, Soldier kissed him back, as they started making out on his bed.
This is well written in the manner of pacing and progression, and is really interesting to read with it's use of description! However, there's a bit of issue with formatting, and the occasional issue with grammar and punctuation. Through this I assume english is your second language, and this is a very good handling of it for someone who had to learn it as their second language! (no offense if it's your first language whoops) Anyways, I would suggest you work a bit on formatting (paragraphs, line breaks, etc), and perhaps get a beta reader to look over the grammar mistakes you've got, so that your writing can be the best it can be! Good work, though!
Whoops I am the last replier, and I just realized after posting it that I forgot that you did in fact state english was not your first language! Sorry about that! Anyways, I definitely recommend you get a beta reader for your work. They would help catch all the grammar mistakes for you.
Oh man thanks for the review ! I wasn't waiting for something like that since my english isn't really good and the story itself is.... well yeah. I actually had a beta reader (that is a good writter) but he told me it was okay and I think he didn't want to change it because it was good enough to be posted ? But whatever if I EVER write another fic I'll ask for my next beta to be less indulgent heh.
Another anon here! I like the premise of this fic; I’ve been having ideas for a fic featuring somnophilia as well, so of course I had to read this, and you did stay true to the concept. Well done! However, as the other anon says, you definitely need a beta who’s not afraid to make corrections (what’s the point of getting one that won’t change a thing? Lack of constructive criticism will stunt your development as a writer). I get that English is not your first language – it isn’t mine either! However, this is no excuse for poor grammar and syntax – as second- or third-language writers we need to work around our unfamiliarity with the English language, either by doing a lot of re-reading and editing (what I do) or by having a good beta with a firm grasp of the language, preferably a native speaker (though this is no guarantee for literacy). I don’t know who your beta-reading friend is or how awesome a writer he happens to be; sadly, he doesn’t seem up to the task. See if you can find another friend to help you instead. Some of the most glaring problems should also be fixable with a focused re-reading, though – pay attention to the verbs in particular! The crew ate all together around the big table where everyone screams about everything and anything. - The verbs don’t match; ‘ate’ is past tense and ‘screams’ is present tense. Stick to one tense (unless you really know what you’re doing)! Engineer […] knelled next to the bed. That should be ‘knelt’, past tense of ‘kneel’. ‘Knelled’ is past tense of ‘knell’, which is something church bells do in Shakespearean prose. So! Verbs! Pay attention to them, please. The second issue I’d like to address is your narrative voice. Who is telling this story? You are, of course, but you’re making yourself really obvious in the fic – reading this is like watching TV with someone who insists on standing in front of the screen, blocking the view, and telling you what happens instead of letting you see for yourself. You keep making personal comments in the text, like this: No they don't talk, they just yell really. He also snored a bit loud, but not as much as Heavy, that guy was the only one to not share room with anyone because holy crap you cannot sleep next to that. But anyway back to the Texan. It’s like a phone conversation with my mom about a show she’s just watched, only it’s got porn and holy crap do not want my mom narrating porn! Either make Engineer the focus of the narration, report only his emotions and experiences, and refrain from personal commentary unless he’s making them to himself, or use a third character as the narrator (could be someone hiding and watching them, then retelling the story to the reader). Try to keep this in mind for future writing – and keep it up! Practise is the only way to improve, and for a first try I think you’re off to a good start.
Very well written and heck, I'll admit the strain I felt when Solider woke up...oh Man I can't wait to read more!
As English is not your first language indeed I agree with the others, get an English fluent beta reader, it'll help IMMENSELY. If your chapters are short like this, I could offer a beta look over, :) my email is in the email slot on this post if you want to message me. (I sadly don't have time to beta anything too long). Besides the language issues, I love the subject matter of the fic, also nnggg helmet party, YES. It's been growing on me immensely. Besides needing an English beta reader, please format your story too, it's this one huge block of text with no breaks, it's an assault on my eyes. Breaking up paragraphs to show change in scene, action, or emphasize something, also help the reader's eyes move around. In my word processor program, I usually don't make a paragraph longer then 5-6 lines, and by paragraph I mean blocks of text, there is a clear blank line between them. Paragraphs with just an indent don't show up well on message board text.
Either make Engineer the focus of the narration, report only his emotions and experiences, and refrain from personal commentary unless he’s making them to himself, or use a third character as the narrator (could be someone hiding and watching them, then retelling the story to the reader). I agree with Anonymous, though I would like to mention third person omniscient (since the last paragraph seems to drift into Soldier's perspective, if only vaguely.) What many people write is third person limited, which focuses on the Point of View (POV for short) of one character. The reader only knows what that character knows, though the character can guess about some things and potentially be right or wrong about their guess, just like real people. Third person omniscient is when the reader knows everything about everyone through-out but it can be harder to pull off because switching character POVs too quickly can be jarring. Switching POVs within the same paragraph, for instance, is generally very bad. In essence, what is already written here for this story is simply too chatty in tone (the sudden use of the word you is what creates this feeling because it directly addresses the reader) and it could easily be edited to become third person omniscient or third person limited. Also, just so there isn't any confusion, first person is when the story uses "I" to show only one character's POV from directly inside their mind and second person is when the story uses "you" to show the reader's POV. Third person is similar to watching a movie. The reader sees what is happening but they either see everything important when it happens (omniscient, which may follow more than one character around) or they only ever follow one character around (limited) and therefore only see what that character sees and find out what is going on when that character does. Also, a few other word mistakes: starring should be staring and I believe snorting was meant to be snoring. All that aside, I also recommend another beta. I am definitely interested in more but a different beta will make the rest of this a lot better.