Rating: NC-17 in the future. Disclaimers: I own nothing but the storyline. A dark haired boy was sleeping tight when a loud noise woke him up. He peeked through his sleepy eyes to his nightstand and turn off the alarm clock. -So loud… - he complained but got off of bed anyway. Soon after he completed his dress up routine, he heard his mother yell his name. -Scout! Come out for breakfast, dear! His breakfast was always the same: a bowl of cereal and orange juice. Not that his mother didn’t cooked eleven different foods for him to eat, but he preferred keeping it simple in the morning. After eating his blend breakfast, Scout adjusted his jacket, put his bag around his shoulder and left for school. “No wonder you are so thin.†his friends usually commented. Scout had always been this slim and average boy. His legs were tall in comparison to the rest of his body and thanks to that he was always first on the track field championship. He was good at some subjects in school (never failed at P.E.), but he sucked at math. Despite that the Math teacher liked him enough to raise his grades a bit so he could move forward in school. His face was pretty and he was known for making boys and girls look at him (which granted him some popularity in school) but at the moment he was taken. -Hey, cupcake. - Scout felt a strong arm pull him by the waist. -Fuck you. - Scout sounded angry but laughed anyway. - Stop that, Heavy. You know I hate being all clingy in the morning. -Heavy knows… - even though the warning was given, Heavy pulled Scout to a corner and kissed him full in the mouth which earned him a punch on the head. -I told you to stop. - Scout wiped his mouth but couldn’t do anything about the rosy blush that spread along his features. Scout didn’t know why he liked Heavy though. He definitely wasn’t his type, well, maybe the muscles, but he wasn’t anywhere handsome or model-type. Heavy also sucked at everything and was a walking accident zone. But Scout couldn’t ignore that despite being awkward Heavy was gentle and caring (maybe too much) and was definitely the most honest person he had met. He was thankful Heavy never stopped trying to make him fall in love with him with all his clumsy ways and failed plans to be romantic. Like when he made Scout wait for one hour because Heavy had forgotten the tickets to the concert and had to return home, only to later remember the concert was going to be the next day and when after a compensate dinner he stepped on fresh dog poop right on the way out. Those memories always made him laugh and be glad he had Heavy by his side. After zoning out thinking about his boyfriend, he felt a hand on his shoulder that made him gasp. -I know sometimes I can be boring, but I don’t see why you always sleep in my classes. - Scout looked up to face Sniper and a shiver ran down his spine. Sniper was the math teacher. Students gave him that nickname because there was always someone he aimed at in every class and he kept insisting with. Scout was the victim of his class and he hated it. Sometimes he seemed nice, but he could be really mean next, and so Scout had to find the solution to an equation on the board with no clue whatsoever of what he was doing because he dozed off when the teacher was explaining. Sniper kept throwing off some tips while being sarcastic at the same time and after ten minutes when Scout felt like giving up, the bell rang and everyone started putting their school material back on their bags. Scout quickly tried to make his way out too, but Sniper made him stay in the room for a little while more, giving him a lecture and more homework then his classmates. He also told him to come after him if he had any doubts concerning the subject, but Scout mentally told himself that was never going to happen. After that he went to the hallway where his best friend waited for him. -Sniper was tough on you again, am I right? - his best friend chuckled and Scout let out an exhausted sigh. -Yeah, the usual… - Scout shrugged as if Sniper was on his shoulder. Engineer chuckled again. -I feel bad for you but let’s go to the canteen before there’s a huge line there. Engineer was Scout’s best friend since first grade and they had been progressing side by side since then. Unlike Scout, Engineer was smart, had good grades and was always in first place in his class; except for P.E. which was the only subject Scout had real talent. When exams where around the corner, Engineer always helped Scout with everything and they had sleepovers at his house, studying and gaming until late nights on the weekends. But what Scout ignored about his best friend is that sometimes he had a special glint in his eyes when he looked at him and was extremely gentle and helpful towards him in everything he needed. What can you do? Scout had always been an air head and Engineer knew that. So when he brushed Scout’s hair to the side, Scout let him without thinking there was any ulterior motive. Finally classes had come to an end and Scout was let free from school at last. It was a pity that Heavy wasn’t from his class, but he didn’t seem to mind waiting an hour for Scout to come out of school too. -Heavy missed you. - Heavy smiled awkwardly grasping Scout. - Hey, Engineer. -Hey, Heavy. - Engineer smiled and waved goodbye to both. - Bye, Scout. Until tomorrow. -‘Till tomorrow. - Scout waved goodbye to his best friend and went with Heavy to a park so they could relax. -Heavy missed you… - the bigger one spoke again. -Me too. - Scout admitted shyly and Heavy gave him no time to think afterwards, pulling him into a hot kiss. Scout loved feeling Heavy’s tongue tangled with his, the way he was forceful and passionate about it, running his hands along the side of his body, making him feel dizzy and feverish just by licking his lips. Scout couldn’t think about anything else when he kissed Heavy and he loved when he started licking and kissing up his neck. -Oh fuck… - he gasped when Heavy bite his ear gently making him shiver. His hair was pulled back and his mouth was again invaded with Heavy. As the time went by between kissing, licking and groping, their little make out session was getting really heavy, so he pulled out from his embrace. -Stop it, Heavy… - Scout tried pulling himself free even though Heavy kept pulling him in. It took a punch on Heavy’s head for him to stop. -Heavy was liking it… -Scout was liking it too - Scout laughed a little breathless. - but it’s getting late. -Oh, ok… - Heavy frowned and Scout grabbed his face giving him a peck on his lips. -We can be together tomorrow, don’t be silly. - Scout got up from his lap, but Heavy automatically followed him grabbing his waist from behind. - I like being like this, but I really have to go home. -Ok, Heavy understands… - Heavy said more happily and took him home. On the way home Scout kept ranting about his classes and his teachers while Heavy listened to everything and nodded agreeing with him, knowing Scout liked the support. When they reached their destination a quiet silence was made between them. Scout was the first to break it. -Well, gotta go now… Heavy made his sad face and Scout shook his head. -I really do. - and this time Scout made the initiative and kissed Heavy while cupping his cheek. - See ya tomorrow. - he waved and got inside his house before he felt the need to go back to Heavy. He quickly ran upstairs to his room and put his head through the window just in time to see Heavy going around the corner and disappearing from his sight. -I already told you to stop running around the house! - he could hear his mother complaining from the living room downstairs. Scout shrugged and stayed in his room. He quickly changed to a more comfortable set of clothes and got in front of his computer to pass his free time while texting with Heavy. When it was around 8 o’clock he heard the front door open and he guessed his stepfather was home. Scout’s stepfather was the worst kind of guy and he couldn’t comprehend what his mother saw in him. He worked from early in the morning until late at night sometimes and gave lame excuses of why he was so late. Once Scout saw him wearing a robber’s mask and he wouldn’t be surprised if he was a thief. He was a mysterious kind of guy and tried to act all nice with Scout, giving him expensive gifts and taking his mother and him to vacations, but Scout only saw him as fake and he denied calling him father for much as his mother asked him to. Soon he heard his mother’s voice calling him for dinner. -What’s the dinner tonight? - he heard his stepfather ask when he arrived to the dinner table. -Lasagna, your favorite my dear. Scout discreetly made a disgusted face and sat at the table next to his mother. -How was school today, Scout? - a deep voice asked. -Nothing special. What about your work? Whatever it is… Spy. Scout never referred to his stepfather as his “dad†or “stepfather†but always by his name, Spy. He had no idea what was Spy’s career or what he did for a living and neither did his mother, which left Scout really irritated as why his mother found Spy so normal and faithful towards her or anyone. -It went good. - Spy smirked. - Dear, can you pour me some wine? Scout hated when his mother did that, answered to every Spy’s whim. Spy savored the drink and ate while talking with his mother, leaving him out from the conversation which Scout was thankful for. Once everyone ate, his mother went to wash the dishes and Scout went to his room. Soon he received a text message from Heavy calling him out for the weekend and of course Scout said yes. Scout’s dream that night were somber and he found himself in a nightmare trapped between Sniper and Spy, pulling him down and away from his friends. He found himself waking up way too early while panting and sweating. That was disgusting to he took a bath and prepared himself for his date with Heavy.
... the hell is this?
I love the idea that Scout is still in High School and I love scout x heavy! thank you so much, please post more soon.
I never read scout/heavy. sounds interesting. go on.
That was, to be completely honest, painful to read. I don't want to discourage you because you do seem to have a fun idea, but you need to polish this up a LOT more before posting. There's no way I can really cover everything you need to do, but I can try and give you a few pointers. To start with some ideas on what to fix, start by "using quotations when someone is talking." I saw that you tried to use dashes, but even then it wasn't accurate and some were in excess, or just missing. Even from the start your faulty grammar and improper use of dashes made the story incredibly confusing, and it only got worse. The story also moves too fast. Each scene is hard to grasp, and by the time I figure out what's going on you've ended it and moved to the next. You should also try writing more descriptions in each scene to explain what it is that scout is seeing. At the moment, in my head at least, I'm imagining all the characters as they appear in the game, in uniform no less. However, since it seems they are all in high school except for Sniper and Spy, I highly doubt that was what you meant. In short, you definitely need to work on your descriptions. You only have the bare bones of the story up there, telling who everyone is and what they're doing in only the most basic sense when a story is so much more. Also, get someone to help you proofread or possibly co-author. Like I said, you have ideas, but your writing skill needs work if you want to see this story become something whole. Try posting on workshop before posting here. I know, workshop can be a dead-zone sometimes, but something like this really needs to be there, and not here.
I'll have to agree with Sunshine on every point. My biggest problem with this fic is that it's not an AU, it's your diary. Really, I could insert random names instead of the class-monikers and no one would be able to tell this had anything to do with TF2. There are no descriptions of the characters, very little characterisation, and the character interactions are totally irrelevant for the plot (what plot?) and therefore superfluous. There is no conflict beyond the perceived who-the-fuck-cares tension with your Scout's Math teacher (seriously?) and stepfather (I think Spy would very much resent being made a walking cliché like this). This whole fic so far has no purpose for existing - where's the drama? The action? The plot? The intrigue? Where are you going with this? Your readers need a set-up to keep them interested in the fic, something to snag their interest, and there's nothing. Another really annoying thing is Heavy talking like the Hulk ("Heavy knows, Heavy missed you, Heavy was liking it, Heavy smash!") He doesn't sound Russian, he sounds like someone with an IQ of 70. Why is Scout even with him? He isn't romantic, he's stupid. Finally, I wanted to mention that there was another fic posted here recently with a high school-aged character, and it got deleted for the character being underage in an adult scene (I think it got deleted for underage porn, at least - maybe it just sucked too much and the mods kindly relieved it of its suffering). In any case, it seems high school is too young for sex here (what's the chan's age of consent?) and you're posting in the Adult Fanfic section, so, um, something's not gonna work. I don't want to put you off writing for good, but this fic really, really needs a makeover if it's going to be bearable to read. I hope you'll take the time to give it another try and ask in Workshop for help - practising is the only way to improve. Good luck!
Added on to the above points, I was wondering if maybe English wasn't your first language? Perhaps having a fluent beta reader would help. Now here are some things that really made my head spin. First of all, how old is Scout? Why would Heavy have to wait a whole hour unless Scout's not even in high school? Even then I don't recall if high school students got out a whole hour early (this is even worse if Scout's not even a high school student.) Second, Spy is Spy's real name (and he has no idea what he does for a living...) but Sniper is a nickname? Not to mention, a kid called Engineer? I'm sure you could explain it as a nickname as well (maybe he loves legos and erector sets or builds actual robots) but consistency would be nice. Especially since these are some odd names. Scout is the only one that IS an actual given name. For that matter, I don't mind at all that Scout dislikes Spy but I think an even better reason to hate him would be if Spy were a teacher as well. Less mysterious, I know, but then the whole "I think he might be a criminal" thing isn't that amazing (partially because no one can guess he's a spy, even though... his NAME is Spy?) But honestly, Scout being worried about that is kind of laughable. Scout became fast because he wanted to beat his brothers at JUMPING people! He did it because he wanted to actively get in a fight before the other guy went DOWN. The official blurb may also strongly imply that his brothers tend to attack in groups and attacking other groups of people isn't any less horrible as ganging up on one person. Scout's brothers are potential criminals themselves and no one would bat an eyelash if someone portrayed a few or all of them as such. You know, it'd be easy and simple enough for Scout to hate the man because he misses his biological father and is mad that his mother and father aren't still together. This is some important psychological stuff. Even if Spy is the nicest man that Scout has ever met, nicer than his actual father, Scout may still dislike him. Actually seeing Spy trying to bond with him would be quite pleasant (and funny as hell.) It's rife with potential strife. Simply mentioning this kind of stuff in passing is a missed opportunity if that kind of scene never shows up. It would also be nice to see Scout's brothers in this story (he has seven) with at least a brief nod to their feelings on the matter of Spy, even if they're only mentioned. And hearing what happened to Scout's real father would be nice too. (He could be dead, in jail, or merely divorced but then there would be reasons behind that as well.) Now, I like the idea of Scout and Heavy but I really can't imagine Heavy acting quite like this. Heavy could be awkward and clumsy but these seem more like informed abilities as they've been presented. At worst, they're flaws that aren't particularly terrible or interesting flaws (unless he falls and squashes people a lot.) It's also interesting that Sniper is shown as being tough on Scout and trying to make him focus and learn yet he helped him pass instead of fail because he liked him? I'm sure teachers like that exist but it seems kind of contradictory. I'd expect Sniper to try and hold him back a year. Especially since that would cause some potential plot to appear. Sniper informs Scout that he better learn what he needs to for the next exam or he'll fail to pass on, Scout panics, Engie promises to help him in studying per usual. Then Engie decides to just go for it, which makes Scout aware, Scout deals with the revelation however he deals with it (good, bad, naughty, etc), but he doesn't end up as prepared because of that. Then he has to go to summer school for math so he can proceed to the next grade or graduate or whatever. There, some mild tension has been inserted. You know, thinking about all this, I wanna see some college verse of TF2. That'd be more fun. (Though that could also be my age showing.)
Op, never mind the upper reviews. This is a fanfiction, not all fics must have to do with the original story, that's why they are fanfics: made by fans, for fans. “Very little characterization†what the hell are you talking about? I’ve read tf2 fics and they never have any characterization; want to know why? Because everyone knows how the characters look like, jeez. Oh and by the way, “sunshineâ€, you seem to be a bit…well, ignorant? I guess you don’t read too many books to say something like <start by "using quotations when someone is talking."> using Ҡand – are both fine, you should really read more books hon. So never mind this jelly~ reviews, keep writing your story
There's quite a few problems with this. Ignoring the grammatical and structural errors (and those are already pretty glaring), the characterizations are flat. Placing it in a high school setting and in the adult fanfic section is a recipe for disaster. Unless Scout is doing so terribly with math that he's been held back and is 18. Then again, he seems to have the Bella of Twilight "problem" of being a massive Mary Sue type character, permitting him to suck at math and still do great just because his teachers like him. He's popular, well liked, and yet he picks Heavy. Heavy has been characterized as an idiot-child, clumsy and incapable of doing anything. You make a point of explaining why Sniper is called Sniper, but do nothing to explain the rest. Descriptions are offered up like a canteen of water in the desert; not enough to make it through. Spy is apparently his actual name, and not a nickname. This makes one wonder why Sniper is a nickname when -Spy- is a real name. The ending of it is jarring in a few ways. You've shoved us into the modern era with cellphones (Heavy has no problems texting, with his oversized hands and clumsy intelligence?), and end with an equally clumsy paragraph. This badly needs a beta, but it also needs to quietly inch over to the fanfic section. Underage is a no-no.
>>8 Oh hi, Kathy-chan.
Op, never mind the upper reviews We are trying to give constructive criticism, to help Kelly-chan continue writing but with an even better story to show for it. Please don't tell authors to ignore constructive criticism as it could ruin their growth as writers. No one is such a perfect writer that they never benefit from outside input. not all fics must have to do with the original story Fanfiction has a lot of leeway because it's never the original creator writing it. AUs get written because people enjoy playing around with some concepts that wouldn't fit into the normal frame of the original universe. All fanfiction still needs to have some association, an anchor if you will, with the TF2 that we know and love or it wouldn't be TF2. I would like to note that NO ONE has suggested the idea of a "characters in high school story" isn't allowed. What they've been saying is that characters who aren't 18 or older can't be shown having sex on the chan, as per the rules on the main page. That IS why the story with the 16 year old girl in it was removed by the admins. Although that said, I just got an AMAZING idea (not suggesting for this story to turn into that but I now know I must request this in regular fanfic.) A story that shows snippets of every character's life in high school. Not them all in one high school together but a vignette of their lives at some point when they were that age. That would be fascinating. “Very little characterization†what the hell are you talking about? I’ve read tf2 fics and they never have any characterization; want to know why? Because everyone knows how the characters look like, jeez. Characterization is typically more often mentioned when discussing the personality of the character. But beyond that, who in their right mind is showing up to a high school wearing a bunch of bullets, grenades, a safety helmet, or their team shirts? No one. We also do know that Heavy is normally a big bald guy who is probably in his thirties and NOT a high school student (not to mention he's from Russia, which was at that time the Soviet Union.) So describing him as he would appear, when looking like a high school student, might be nice. The same could be said for Engineer, who might be as old as Soldier normally. Soldier has to at least be in his forties if he was old enough to try and join the army in WWII (we don't know when exactly he went over to Poland for the first time but the general assumption is that he was turned down for enlisting while the war was still going on.) If nothing else a cursory mention of clothing and accessories wouldn't be remiss. Especially since texting wasn't around in 1968, unless of course Australium helped with that (or the hospital for fruit!) In any other story, these details wouldn't be too important but BECAUSE it is an Alternate Universe, they become important and should be sprinkled in to give the AU some flavor. Note: I would love it if Soldier turned out to be the P.E. teacher. It would be so wonderfully hilarious. using “†and – are both fine, you should really read more books hon. I worked at Borders for eight years. I was there up to the last day, after we had officially closed. People were picking up the last of the furniture, that had been bought prior of course, and we were finishing clean up of the store (it was a rented space.) Maybe it's because I stopped reading as much towards the end but I never personally came across a book which used - instead of " So it was confusing to me also. Maybe it wouldn't be for other people who have come across it before but I find your tone flat out insulting. Have some maturity and don't attack people for their lack of experience. keep writing your story No one here told Kelly-chan to stop writing. Perhaps not everyone was as polite as they could have been but everyone besides you seemed to be giving an attempt at constructive criticism. Don't tell the author to ignore us because we weren't lavishing praise in every sentence. Constructive criticism is how a writer becomes better.
>>8 Alright, I'm gonna nip this shit in the bud before anyone else decides to whine about constructive criticisms. All the above criticisms are constructive, with the intention to help the author rather demean them. That is welcome here. If you can't accept that, then go back to FanFic.net. If anyone else decides to fight this legitimate criticism, I will not hesitate to place some big bans on you. >>10 I can't confirm whether this that is Kelly-chan trying to defend herself at the moment so until I figure that out, let's assume it's NOT. I'll take care of it if it is.
*Pardon, I meant, Kathy-chan. That's what I get for moderating right after waking up.
Actually, I've seen '-' used before as ". But, this was also in a foreign book written entirely in German. I've never seen it used in English books. So, I'm with the others on this, if you plan on continuing this story OP I would just switch to ". It's not technically 'wrong' per say, but it keeps the reader from having to make the mental jump from one to the other.
Sorry, Kilo! That was probably my fault. I could've sworn that when I scrolled up to read the author's name, I got it right but clearly I didn't. Let me get some coffee for the both of us. D: Also, sorry about that Kathy-chan. I wasn't trying to insult you by getting your name wrong.
Here's something else I just noticed. I didn't even pay attention to it the first time. On one hand, this AU could simply have taken the notion that all sexuality is accepted. (That would be another possibility for tension, by the way, if people didn't readily accept the idea of two guys dating.) I am willing to go with that because if an author doesn't want to deal with that as a plot point, of course it will be glossed over. As long as the story would be derailed by exploring the notion, I have no problems reading a story that ignores or denies such a thing. However, then I noticed this. What can you do? Scout had always been an air head and Engineer knew that. So when he brushed Scout’s hair to the side, Scout let him without thinking there was any ulterior motive. -Oh fuck… - he gasped when Heavy bite his ear gently making him shiver. His hair was pulled back and his mouth was again invaded with Heavy. Wait, what? Does Scout have long hair? Or did Heavy simply grab a fistful of it? Also, touching someone's hair is kind of a big deal. Even for best friends. It would have been more boyish (and realistic, if Scout has short hair) for Engineer to have ruffled Scout's hair, rather than just openly running his fingers through it (because shifting someone's hair around is essentially that.) Playing with someone's hair, though simple, is a very intimate action, especially the closer it is to the person's face that the hand gets. It's not always romantic but it IS always a show of intimacy because the person being touched clearly trusts the other person enough to let them. They know that the person touching them won't, as an extreme example, gouge their eyes out instead (unless they like that kind of thing...) Scout might be oblivious (or he might be intentionally ignoring the interest shown) but unless Engineer plays with his hair a lot, which could be something as simple as mussing it up or noogies, it would still be a little unusual. Be careful of feminizing Scout too much, unless that's what you're going for. Men and teenage boys do act differently in some respects. For a female writer it isn't always easy to envision the right response. Women being deemed masculine isn't typically, in most cases, viewed as being as degrading as being deemed feminine is for men. There are also many things (little details) that we simply wouldn't have thought about before, typically noticed, or seen how it would turn out between two men in real life, particularly if we haven't been around a lot of men, growing up or in general, or if it isn't something that would normally be done around most women. It doesn't hurt to research a little (from life, books, internet, what have you) or to get at least a vague idea based off what you do know about a man's cultural expectations. Men, overall, simply aren't allowed to do some of the things women can or are only allowed to do those particular things with women. Gay men can and do ignore some of these cultural expectations but it still follows that they might not be able to do some of these things with any man who feels it might emasculate them. I'm not even talking about kissing or hugging but, as an example, braiding someone's hair. Even two men who have long hair might not braid it for one another, unless they feel it won't emasculate them (which means, even if they don't feel this way, they still might not do it in a public setting for fear they would be mocked by men who do.) This doesn't require them to be in love or anything else. They may simply enjoy braiding hair and think it would look good on them and/or their friend (or just as a matter of keeping their hair out of the way) but they can only get away with doing it for their female companions (as friends or lovers) and again might not even do that in public, depending on how secure they feel about themselves and other people's opinions. Obviously some of that also differs by culture but even a culture that has no problem with men braiding each others hair might have a problem with men who want to hold their friend's hand. A culture that allows or encourages two male friends (often most acceptable when related) to hold hands might not like two men who want to share a single plate while eating out. I had trouble thinking of some things off the top of my head that weren't strictly sexual but I'm positive other people could come up with many more (I'm not even sure if the last one would be a real life example but... yah know. It served as an illustrative point at least.) Of course there are things women are discouraged from doing but when it comes to sociable actions, men tend to be excluded more often than women (unless it's viewed as a male only action.)
Thank you all for your kind and not so kind reviews. First of all, no, English is not my native language, sorry if misspelling and grammatical errors bothered and made your life miserable. I'm writing according to my native language grammar. I don't think I should know THAT much into English. Not saying it's useless to learn, but still, condemning me because I don't know proper grammar/only learnt the basic of English at school... At least I spell words correctly. (I think so). Second, since I don't live anywhere near USA/Canada/England or other countries who speak English and I don't read fiction books in English, I didn't know you used " instead of - I'm used to read and I don't think it's wrong or confusing for you to throw a fit about it. "He's popular, well liked, and yet he picks Heavy. Heavy has been characterized as an idiot-child, clumsy and incapable of doing anything." Heavy is not incapable of doing anything, just because he's clumsy and an air head it doesn't mean he's really stupid. You are being really harsh over this. Why can't you like someone clumsy? I think it's adorable. "You've shoved us into the modern era with cellphones (Heavy has no problems texting, with his oversized hands and clumsy intelligence?)" Oh gee, I forgot TF2 was in the 50's right? With Spy's watch that can turn him invisible and the Engineer building machines capable of doing teleportation, I wonder why they weren't so advanced at the time to build cellphones /sarcasm. In the end, this is AU, why should I follow canon? And since they are in human form, I don't get why Heavy fingers would be deformed. To the other anons who kindly gave me more guidelines to follow and tried to help me, thank you. I really appreciated it. I wanted to do a fun fic for all to read, but I guess if I wasn't educated since little to learn English, I can't have that privilege.
>>17 Well, if you don't want to follow the formats used when writing in English, then why write in English? Just write in your native language. No one here has asked you to do anything more than what they would expect to do themselves. We all strive to follow these grammatical guidelines and standards. Stop trying to paint us as a mindless mob out to get you.
Alright look, you have a good basis here. Your problem seems to be your attitude. Yes you need to have a solid grasp on English. Why? because you are writing -in- English on an -English- board. If you are going to be rude when we inform you that your lack of simple English makes a story hard to read and get into then I apologize. However that's not going to change the fact that...well it's hard to read and get into. There are other people whose first language was not English and they managed to learn the language just fine. Also, coming here and telling us that you do not think our language is worth learning? Not winning you any points. Right there? I lost any and all sympathy for you. This is -our- language. On our -English- board. If you think our language is no good? Then get out. Simple as that. I'm sure there's a board like this in your language. Go find it. Just to add? Heavy's hands are not 'deformed'. They are large, because he is large. It's like small people have small hands. It's not at all a deformity. My uncle has big hands, you should see his texts. Worth many a snicker and attempts to make him text random words just for the misspell. We're not saying you can't right here because of some random privilege you think you need. Just don't be an ass about being told the truth. Simple as that.
>>17 "Oh gee, I forgot TF2 was in the 50's right? With Spy's watch that can turn him invisible and the Engineer building machines capable of doing teleportation, I wonder why they weren't so advanced at the time to build cellphones /sarcasm." This is the same universe where stairs were invented by Abraham Lincoln in the 1800's and the phone that Miss Pauling uses in the director comic looks less advanced than one of the cell phones from the 1980's (which could have doubled as a melee weapon). They almost certainly didn't have modern cellphones, despite all the other technological advancements they've made. Not really a big deal in the scheme of things, but a valid question if it's confusing to someone. "In the end, this is AU, why should I follow canon?" Either follow canon or don't, that's your decision, but if you're not going to follow canon, you should show a bit more of how your AU is different from the in-game universe. Set up the world you see for us so that we can see it too. "And since they are in human form, I don't get why Heavy fingers would be deformed." His fingers aren't necessarily deformed, but he is a big guy and big guys tend to have large hands and large fingers. I'm a girl and my hands are thicker than most, so sometimes I have trouble with pressing the buttons on my cellphone, especially on the QWERTY key pad. "I wanted to do a fun fic for all to read, but I guess if I wasn't educated since little to learn English, I can't have that privilege." Honestly, the fact that you're not a native English speaker isn't the problem. Plenty of native speakers on here need betas because they've made some ridiculous errors too, in fact, probably more glaring than any you've made. But a beta would be able to point out where you need to clarify things and any place where other readers might become confused. I've been writing fan-fiction for over 12 years and I still need constructive criticism to improve my writing (tighten up the plot, fix grammar errors, clarify anything that might be confusing to people from a different culture). Seriously, don't take this stuff so personally. You have good ideas, they just need some work on execution. Keep writing, keep improving. I would love to see what you come up with next. BTW, it was my story that got taken down for CP. I'm working on fixing it now. May or may not reappear on the chan. May need a beta. Anyone interested?
Not saying it's useless to learn, but still, condemning me because I don't know proper grammar/only learnt the basic of English at school... At least I spell words correctly. (I think so). Please understand that this reaction came from the fact it wasn't mentioned in your original post that English isn't your primary language. Most people assume that the person writing in English is a native speaker (because native speakers are also sometimes horrible at grammar and make many other mistakes besides) and they therefore assumed that you knew English grammar. This doesn't change the fact that it may have caused some confusion or made the story hard to follow. It simply means that if you wish to write in English, having a native speaker as a Beta reader (some one who goes over your work before you post it and helps with plot holes, incorrect grammar, typos, as well as general inconsistencies and anything else that you would like help with) is very useful. People who do have English as their native language still have Beta readers for the very same thing. It's just useful to have a second pair of eyes who can catch mistakes before a story gets posted, since there is no way to edit a post here. You are good at English and you're right, your spelling (and word choice) is generally excellent. I wasn't even entirely certain if it was a secondary language for you and certainly everyone else who responded didn't even question if that was the case (or at least didn't mention that they thought it was possible.) Please don't take our insistence that you become better with English grammar as an insult. If someone wrote a fanfiction in your native language, wouldn't it be possible that grammar mistakes might make an otherwise good story a little confusing or at least distract you by dragging you out of the story as you come across a jarring bit of syntax? I realize that becoming better at it isn't easy (and some mistakes are easier to ignore than others) but that is also why I highly recommend trying to find someone who would be willing to Beta for you. I would do it but I don't know if I would have the time to do so. I am also having some off and on emotional turmoil currently and so I'm not sure I'd be able to respond in a timely manner. However, if you feel like emailing me, I certainly don't bite. Heavy is not incapable of doing anything, just because he's clumsy and an air head it doesn't mean he's really stupid. You are being really harsh over this. Why can't you like someone clumsy? I think it's adorable. I'm not responding over the general comments here but I simply want to address what I think is an issue. I feel that the characterization has been limited significantly in general. Showing his clumsiness more often and directly (it only shows up in one scene and there it is paraphrased, which doesn't give us that big of a look at how it tends to show up in his daily life nor how it impacts Heavy or anyone else) will make it more apparent and possibly able to show why and how it is meant to be adorable. This is a case of show versus tell. A lot of the story has told us more than it has shown us. While some situations are better off being mentioned (either they aren't that important or they don't need to be explored in that kind of depth yet) rather than shown in full, others that are very important really should be shown. I personally feel that the entire paragraph that Scout was thinking about, regarding Heavy for instance, should have been an entire scene so that it could illustrate their relationship and their personalities better. There is also the problem of showing flaws as not truly being flaws and a person either ignoring them or accepting them. People don't tend to fall in love with someone because of flaws (unless they simply don't see it as a flaw.) It's a touchy issue because expressing something as a flaw and then never having it truly be detrimental can backfire, making the reader a lot less sympathetic. Not to mention, this paragraph said Heavy also sucked at everything and was a walking accident zone. This would suggest that Heavy does have problems doing anything (as the comment is vague enough to suggest that he can't do anything without failure) and implies that Heavy's clumsiness is incredibly detrimental, yet he isn't shown accidentally breaking anything or knocking anything or anyone else over. Outside of stepping into some dog poop, this makes his clumsiness an informed ability as it never shows up outside of this instance nor does it cause in real problems for him. If he fixes what he breaks and almost runs over people and knocks them down out of boundless enthusiasm (especially if he apologizes), then it could be cute. It might even be cute if he doesn't react to the problems he causes, so long as he is shown as being sympathetic in spite of this. As for stupidity, well, speaking in third person (saying Heavy instead of I) is extremely unusual and can be seen as stupid or else very strange. It can be something humorous or a show of excessive bravado but it came off as being really random instead. For that reason, coupled with the example that made him horribly forgetful, some people presumed it meant that Heavy was stupid. Oh gee, I forgot TF2 was in the 50's right? With Spy's watch that can turn him invisible and the Engineer building machines capable of doing teleportation, I wonder why they weren't so advanced at the time to build cellphones /sarcasm. In the end, this is AU, why should I follow canon? And since they are in human form, I don't get why Heavy fingers would be deformed. Actually, it was shown in Meet the Director that Miss Pauling had a huge, old-style cell phone. So they did have cell phones but not like we do today. It is entirely possible to have an AU either set in the modern day OR with different advances ahead of what 1968 actually had but it needs to be mentioned, preferably in a casual manner sprinkled into the description, which situation is the case. However, if you do choose to go with 1968 I recommend not giving them everything that is available in the modern era or else there isn't much point in choosing to set the story in that date. As for following canon, if you follow no canon then how is it TF2? Fanfiction is only fanfiction so long as the characters are recognizable to the fans. Once they reach a certain point (though mileage will vary as to when and where that point is reached) the characters have become original characters and the story is no longer fanfiction. This is why AUs need to be very careful not to go too far to the extreme. The same can be said for genderbends and crossovers. As for Heavy having problems texting on a cell phone (my personal impression was to think of on a computer, myself), I believe the person who said as much wasn't referring to a deformation. They were referring to his huge hands and how small cell phones (and therefore cell phone keys or touch screens) might therefore possibly be awkward to use. IF Heavy is clumsy, this would also possibly fall under the notion of clumsiness since mistakes in typing are still an accident created by stumbling, only with the fingers instead of the legs. I wanted to do a fun fic for all to read, but I guess if I wasn't educated since little to learn English, I can't have that privilege. Please don't be passive aggressive about this. Even the people responding in a more rude manner weren't suggesting you can't continue the story. If you don't wish to continue it, then don't. I would, however, caution you not to write explicit or strongly implied sex if these characters are under the age of 18. It will get the story deleted. If you wish to write such, then consider having the sex happen once the characters have become 18 or older! I don't know what the plot of your story was meant to entail but surely anything sexual could be altered to wait for a brief time skip. Otherwise, you might want to reconsider how explicit the story will become and simply repost it into the fanfic section. These are my suggestions.
>>20 so you're saying there's no cellphones on the TF2 universe?
>>22 Maybe there are, like that giant brick Miss Pauling was using in the director comic, but probably not the cute little flip phones we have now. Then again, maybe they are, but there's no evidence of any. Still, no reason not to clarify what kind of cellphones they have. Could be a MannCo. Flip or a TFI Storm or something.
This is the same universe where stairs were invented by Abraham Lincoln in the 1800's and the phone that Miss Pauling uses in the director comic looks less advanced than one of the cell phones from the 1980's (which could have doubled as a melee weapon). They almost certainly didn't have modern cellphones, despite all the other technological advancements they've made. Not really a big deal in the scheme of things, but a valid question if it's confusing to someone. >>20 so you're saying there's no cellphones on the TF2 universe? Though the reference to Miss Pauling's phone didn't clarify that it was a cell phone, I do believe that it was a cell phone and that Sgt Sparxx merely didn't clarify enough for you. Here is a clarification that removes any doubt. and the cell phone that Miss Pauling uses in the director comic All better.
Kathy-chan, I apologize if I came across as rude or insulting. I was trying to give you honest critique, and if it came off as abrasive, that fault is on me. Your good spelling actually threw me off. I never would have guessed you weren't a native english speaker until you said so. However, I have never seen - used in english or french literature of any sort. I have seen it once used in certain very old publications of Chinese literature, but those books, when updated, changed their format to the more conventional "" system. I honestly thought it an outdated system and wasn't aware it was still in common usage anywhere. Where you are from, it apparently is. So, that being out there, if you want to continue to use - for speech, that would be fine. However, I would still recommend that you use a beta to make sure it, and the rest of your grammar is correct. However, I would like to mention that while just about everything on this site is in English, we do have a surprisingly large bilingual community. If you posted in your native language, there's probably someone who can read it though I don't know what sort of feedback you would get for doing something like that. Do you mind if I ask what your native language is? As I said before, you have a fun idea. That fun idea was what kept me reading through your fic all the way to the end, and it's what would keep me reading your fic should you opt to continue writing it. So, off of grammar and languages, if you do decide to continue this story (which I hope you do) something I really would like to see is you describing things more. You obviously have an entirely new world in your head, and we, as your readers, can't see it. It's why we have so many misconceptions over what it is you are actually trying to depict from scout's hair to heavy's fingers ect. Some extra description would really clear a lot of that up and improve the reading experience all around. Again, sorry if I hurt your feelings or discouraged you. That was not my intent.
best fanfic ever
Jesus people, can your critics get any LONGER? Leave the poor guy/girl alone and let him do what he wants. He/She can take in your advice if they want to but you don't need to point out EVERYTHING that might be wrong with it in your opinion. Christ..(I TOLD YOU GUYS. I TOLD YOU ABOUT WHINING ABOUT CRITS.)
Oh, this is great. I NEVER get to see meltdowns on the chan! This is going to be lovingly archived in my raeg folder. >>8 >>27 So my thought is that these aren't actually Kathy-Chan, but some of her online friends she whined to about "Those Chan pplz are being so MEEEEAN TT_TT" and in turn, they flocked to the site like a collection of geese it whiteknight it up. That's just my thoughts. I used to be a devianfarter, too, guys. Happens all the time. I'd say no offense, but, who am I kidding, I have absolutely no respect for anyone who can't pull up their big boy shorts and accept criticism. If I could do it when I was TWELVE, you guys should be able to do it when you're (supposedly) eighteen. Or older. /soapbox
>>28 lol, so if I say I like this fanfiction, I'm kathy's friend?
Iunno. Possibly. Quite honestly, I don't really see what there is to like about it unless you were trying to be nice and not hurt her feelings. In which case, I have no idea what you're doing here in the first place.
I like this fic. Problem, officer?
You know what? Junk-V was probably banned and can't come back but I'm going to do two things anyway because I'm feeling crazy right now. First, I'm going to respond to it. Second, I'm going to do something I promised myself that I wouldn't do. Junk-V, I actually hate myself when I give reviews of pure praise. It isn't that the thing I'm responded to is perfect. Nothing is perfect. It's because I know I'm either I'm too groggy or not capable enough to either notice the flaws or because I can't be coherent enough about what I did notice, so I decide to ignore the flaws. In some rare cases, my feelings are the only issue in the matter and in that case, I simply don't respond if it was something I thought was good but wasn't to my tastes. In some instances, something is amazing but it doesn't grab me enough to comment at the time and then I never do or I just really can't express my enjoyment coherently enough to leave praise. So when I respond with constructive criticism, I become PASSIONATE about it and yes, I get long-winded because that's what happens when I have a very deep, tender feeling about something. I am responding to Kathy-chan's work because it was strong enough to create passion in my heart. That, in and of itself, is merit. My words aren't all praise but then they're not necessarily full of venom either. I also had the strong urge to write the SAME DAMN THING when I saw this. To write it how I would have written it. I resisted the urge because I didn't think there would be much point in that. But now I'm going to sit here and write what could be called a letter of love to the author because all of these responses have inspired me to do it. SIT YOUR FUCKING ASSES DOWN AND READ MY SHIT, BITCHES. IT WILL SUCK BUT I DON'T CARE. A Parallel Line The incessant beeping crept into the young man's brain through his ears, leaving the bright morning sun yearning and envious as it was held back from his eyes by the firm, steely grasp of the window blinds. Scout sighed as he blearily forced an eye open and gently pressed the button on top of his alarm clock, which silenced it by satisfying its burning desire to grab his attention. He understood that quite well, being the youngest out of seven. Too bad he wasn't a little kid anymore; someone his mother HAD to pay attention to. He groggily reflected that growing up wasn't all bad, as he shrugged on his favorite red t-shirt and blue jeans. He was almost out of high school, though this last year had been the most tedious and agonizing to get over when the end was so close! It was only because of his best friend Dell, utter nerd but a blast to hang out with as far as nerds went, that he had kept from dropping out from sheer boredom. That and he was almost certain his PE teacher, the former drill sergeant fittingly dubbed Soldier by all his students, would have hunted him down and killed him for leaving the track team hanging. The guy had coaxed him into taking PE the entire time he was in school (not that Scout needed much convincing, since it was his favorite class.) Scout was certain he was in cahoots with his mom, since the old man kept badgering him about how he was too scrawny and needed to stop skipping meals. “SCOUT! Get ya butt down here or ya oatmeal is gonna get cold!†his mom yelled up the stairs. “I'm comin'! I'm comin'!†He took the stairs two at a time, his worn-out duffle bag slapping against his back as he did, and skid to a halt as he almost ran into one of his older brothers. His family had a tendency to eat like a pack of wolves, his mother included, so it was no surprise to him that none of them really noticed when all he ate was the bowl of hot oatmeal and strawberries. Greasy stuff like bacon and eggs made him queasy early in the mornin' but luckily anything left was fought over, so Scout never had to worry about it getting wasted. “Salut, mon ami! You are looking well this morning, Scout.†Scout glared over the rim of his glass of orange juice at the only other person at the table with some self-restraint and hated the man all the more for the fact they shared a common trait. His step-father, who was dressed in the ugliest reddish brown pinstripe business suit that Scout had ever seen, was casually eating a bowl of frosted flakes and banana slices. Scout was the only one who bothered giving the guy a hard time. The triplets liked the idea of having a father figure to play Bridge with and ask for advice. George and Terry were too busy worrying about staying out of jail for selling hard drugs and illegal arms on the street corner. Clancy and Duke were actively trying to get arrested by robbing banks because they had some hair-brained scheme to break their REAL father out of jail and get mom remarried to him. Their mother was too busy trying to get them married off to good women or turn their lives around to notice how Scout felt, unless he was being openly rebellious. Scout couldn't help it though. He hated his real dad for being such a dumb piece of shit and getting caught by the cops. He admired his dad for being such a hardcore badass motherfucker, who had rival gang members quaking in fear. Yet some part of Scout hoped that Clancy and Duke would succeed and that their dad would show up to make this tooty-fruity pencil-pusher cry like the wimpy little shit that he was. Deep down Scout just wanted to have someone he could make proud; someone he could look up to. Dad hadn't always been there for him but he was still Scout's father. “SCOUT! Stop daydreamin' or you're goin' ta be LATE again!†his mother snapped. Scout stopped trying to bore his eyes through the back of his step-father's skull, as the man stood up to rinse the dishes already emptied. He gave his mother an apologetic smile and a thumbs up as he scooted out of his chair. “Don't worry, Ma! I'm the fastest thing around.†His mother rolled her eyes but grabbed his arm as he shot past her on his way out the door. He stumbled and then rolled his own eyes as she pointed at her cheek. “Give ya motha' a kiss, baby!†she insisted. Like the dutiful and loving son that he was, he gladly complied, but took off like a bat out of hell the minute she let go of him. His sour mood began to soar as he felt the wind rush past his face and the blood pumping in his veins, his heart pounding with adrenaline as he took the block between him and his high school by storm. People stopped and stared but he ignored them as he pushed himself to the limit, until Scout was gasping for breath and had to walk the rest of the way, slowly coming down from his brief high. The first bell rang as he entered through the side door. In the hall he found a familiar hulking figure waiting, brow knit together with worry as the big guy peered one way, then the other, and finally caught sight of him. The guy's features immediately brightened as he made his way over, laughing loudly and clapping Scout on the back affectionately as Scout stood there, bent over and clutching his knees as he continued gulping in huge breaths of air through his nose. “Ahh, Scout! I was worried for minute. Should not be. You are always late.†Scout grinned and took a quick glance to check that they were alone before winking. “Couldn't miss... a day without you,†Scout said. He straightened up just as the big guy leaned in, grabbing his narrow chin in one massive hand before crushing their lips together in a rough, fierce kiss. Scout tried to jerk away, afraid someone might see and also not really in the mood to make out. “'EY! Fuck! How many times I gotta tell ya not to get all grabby before class?†Scout whispered as loudly as he dared. He smacked away Heavy's hand as Heavy tried to do it again and glared hard, until Heavy chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck with embarrassment. The guy's name wasn't really Heavy, of course, but everyone called him that because of his massive size and unsubtle nature (not to mention his real name was a bitch to pronounce.) He could have been a quarterback but Heavy, in spite of his love for teamwork and camaraderie, wasn't the most coordinated guy in the world. That coupled with his sheer size meant the other kids tried to avoid him in the halls for fear of unintentional bruises, from being knocked into open lockers or onto the floor. It was therefore perfectly acceptable for Heavy to wait until everyone else was mostly in class before walking towards his own, instead of squeezing through the crowd of students every day. Luckily Heavy also hid the kind of smarts no one would've guessed could lurk in the depths of someone so brutish looking. The guy was in the chess club and a prominent supporter of Dungeons and Dragons. Scout normally never would have met the surprisingly nerdy Russian exchange student, who had most of the same classes at different hours from Scout, if not for Dell taking Orchestra with the guy while Scout was in PE. Dell had introduced them during lunch one day and seemed to regret it now, though Scout didn't know why. Maybe Heavy got on his nerves more than Dell was willing to admit, being the exceedingly polite southern-born gentleman that he was. Heavy sighed and broke the stare between them reluctantly as they parted ways. It left Scout puzzled and more thoughtful than usual the rest of the day. Scout had never bothered to classify what they had but it was definitely more than just friends. Scout had been the one to start the whole thing, being a horny little pervert with a desperate need for someone to pay attention to him and only him. Heavy had been uncertain at first, after the random kiss Scout had given him, but quickly became the more openly and consistently affectionate between them. Maybe a worse pervert, if there was any way to gauge such a thing. All Scout knew was that he'd decided to take a chance on the walk home from their last study group at the library, after they'd parted ways with everyone else, and it had paid off in spades. Maybe too well. Scout was kind of nervous about how much he was enjoying it. Was that normal? He hadn't intended for it to become anything but as soon as Heavy got it into his head that Scout was interested, he— CRACK! Scout jumped visibly as a ruler came crashing down onto the desk in front of him, knocking his pencil to the floor with the force of the blow. He turned to see Mr. Mundy walk past him with that damn smirk he always had after catching someone who wasn't paying attention to the chalkboard covered in algebra equations. Scout wished he could punch the guy but as long as Mr. Mundy didn't lay a hand on him, there wasn't any excuse. “Scout, ya mind coming up here and solving this one?†Mr. Mundy asked. Scout groaned. Of course he minded, he hadn't been paying any attention and didn't know how to do it, but he couldn't say that. Instead, he grumbled under his breath as his chair screeched back. He walked to the front with his eyes on his feet, before grabbing a piece of chalk and silently begging it to save him as he tapped it onto the chalkboard, pointing it at one of the equations with a hopeful cheekiness. “This one?†Scout asked. “That one's already solved,†Mr. Mundy answered with a sneer, “But since you need the help... this 'ould be the one.†The rest of the class was snickering as quietly as they could and Scout glared at them before scowling at Mr. Mundy, who had used the ruler to point at the only equation left unsolved on the board. The next several minutes were painful as Scout stared despondently at the numbers and symbols in front of him and Mr. Mundy eventually walked him through the process. It was the longest insinuation of stupidity Scout had dealt with in his life and it was all directed at him. Thank GOD it was the last class of the day! Dell was still waiting at the door for him, after Mr. Mundy was done chewing him out for never paying attention and turning his homework in unfinished, and Scout followed him out into the hall with his head hung in shame and resentment. “Ya know, I tried to get yer attention before he came over but you were out in space somewhere,†Dell said, “What's eatin' at ya? Is it yer family again?†Scout shook his head and Dell gave him a brief, one armed hug that made a smile creep across Scout's face in spite of Scout's insistence on being petulant and moody about it. He hugged Dell back, equally as brief, and shrugged awkwardly. Dell was his best friend but he wasn't sure he could tell him. The guy was surprisingly manly, with a minor love of sports, no matter his inclination for tinkering with weird electronic shit that lead him to create the winning science fair projects year after year. He also had a jaw big enough to stop a water buffalo in its tracks and, though he was several inches shorter, a breadth to his shoulders and limbs that made Scout secretly a little jealous. What was it with all these guys who had brains AND brawn? Scout wondered if it was the flannel shirts, ala Heavy, or the wild cowboy hat, ala Dell, that gave it to them. Or maybe it was the way they shaved their hair off. Scout was too vain to shave of all of his. Maybe just shaving off the sides, around his ears and in the back, would be enough to improve his intelligence and muscle mass? “Scout... I know you have it rough, with them bein' degenerates and all,†Dell began. “'EY! My family ain't degenerates!†Scout snapped. Dell had the sense to look embarrassed and held up his hands appeasingly. “I didn't mean nothin' by it! But Scout, I... yer mah—mah best friend. I don't want to see you in trouble like yer pa or yer brothers. If you need me, I'm here for ya,†Dell said. Scout looked down at the hand Dell had placed on his shoulder, as Dell looked up at him with complete honesty and concern, and then down at his own feet. He felt worse because that wasn't the reason at all, or well, he didn't THINK it was. Now he really didn't know what to say. “He has many friends,†a deep voice cut in. Scout felt another strong hand on his other shoulder and this time looked directly up into Heavy's blue eyes. Heavy was giving Dell a surprisingly stern glance and Dell was returning the strength of it in equal measures. Now Scout just felt weird because he had no idea why they were fighting over this but it was kind of obvious that they were. Did Dell feel like Scout was ignoring him because Scout wanted to be alone with Heavy sometimes? Shit, he didn't mean to make his best friend feel unwanted! He just... didn't feel comfortable bein' flirty and naughty, with a guy of all people, right in front of him. What if Dell thought he was a freak? “Knock it off, fellas,†Scout muttered. He patted both their hands before shoving them off. He thought might get their attention but had to snap his fingers when they continued to stare at one another without saying anything. “YO'! I'm still here! I just got a lot on my mind, okay? Like, what to do after school ends,†he added. It was a lame lie but it was sort of true. Summer was around the corner and with it graduation. He still had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Dell finally looked at Scout and nodded, accepting it. “You should be careful then, partner,†Dell said, “Mr. Mundy ain't got no problems failin' ya if ya drop the ball on the final exam and yer gettin' sloppy in history ta boot! Miss Pauling ain't playin' with ya. And no matter how drunk he is, Mr. DeGroot ain't either.†Scout snorted and waved it off. Especially since everybody thought Mr. DeGroot's english class was a joke. A really hilarious joke filled with several hours of really inappropriate movies and Mr. DeGroot's drunken rants. Then there were the days when Mr. DeGroot showed up sober and it was as boring as Miss Pauling teaching history. “Ah, no sweat. We'll just study for the exams and it'll be a breeze.†“I hope so,†Dell murmured, “Well, I oughta get home now. You folks have fun.†Scout considered asking him to come with them but Heavy draped one massive arm over his shoulders and waved as he hummed that little tune he was so fond of. Scout decided to let it go and began to snort with fighting back a laugh as he remembered something from earlier that day. He motioned for Heavy to lean in and whispered in his ear as he fought to control himself. “'Ey, I almost forgot. Guess what I saw today in PE!†“Oh, I am no good with guessing. It was funny, da?†Scout nodded and began to chuckle openly. “Oh man! He'd kill me if he knew I saw! Ya know Mr. Doe, right? He's the PE teacher. Anyway, I caught 'im in his office with Mr. DeGroot but luckily they didn't see me!†Heavy's eyebrows arched upward and he blinked. “The one who has no business teaching English? I could do better job.†Scout nodded again, grinning from ear to ear now. “Hahaha! YEAH! They were drinkin', and I saw the bottle, so they were DRINKIN' if ya catch my drift.†“I am to catch drift?†Heavy asked. His features were screwed up in an odd mixture of confusion and sadness. Scout sighed and patted Heavy's back encouragingly. “I mean it was whiskey or somethin'. And I swear, no lie, I think they were makin' out! I guess old Soldier got drunk too. I didn't stick around so I wouldn't get caught and I didn't get the best look but they were really close and... I think they were goin' at it.†Heavy snorted but he seemed amused as well now. He also squeezed Scout closer to his side as he mulled this information over. Scout couldn't say he minded it. He'd had a very unfortunate and confusing chubby from that sight and it was great that he could share the humor with someone else. “You know, some day, I would be willing to go past this... this making out, as you call it,†Heavy admitted. Scout froze at that and squinted up at Heavy nervously. “Yeah, no dice! I mean, I'm still thinkin' about it but this stuff ain't goin' nowhere 'til one of us has a place of our own,†Scout said. “Or perhaps car. I have heard car is acceptable,†Heavy said. Scout shivered and shook his head obstinately. “NO! No cars. People can see in the windows! And I ain't gay! We ain't gay. Come on, I say shit but I'm all words and no action. On dis anyway. It's kind of weird,†Scout admitted. Scout wasn't sure why but sometimes he scared himself. This was definitely one of those times. He wished it was all as simple as watching Mr. DeGroot leaning over Mr. Doe as Mr. Doe leaned back in his chair and hugged him. They made it look so easy and natural for those five minutes that Scout had peeped into the window before realizing he needed to run back into the gym locker room, tear off his gym clothes (a white t-short and shorts), and put his regular clothes back on. Heavy nodded and for a moment looked as lost and nervous as Scout himself. “I am not trying to push you. I am... I don't know myself. This is all new to me. I would never have... never have kissed boy if I had not felt—felt, ah. This is trouble with English. I could say to you what I mean in better words if it were Russian, I promise,†Heavy muttered. Scout smirked. “You wouldn't even talk to me for a week after I did that. I thought you hated me at first. I was just glad you didn't TELL everyone,†Scout said. Heavy squeezed Scout's shoulder and shook his head. He'd already apologized for that before but Scout had to bring it up. “It was difficult. I knew this was strange, even for American,†Heavy said. Then he smiled, to brighten up the mood maybe. He tried to tickle Scout and Scout writhed, laughing. Heavy laughed as well and his expression turned suggestive. “I know how to raise spirits! We should go to my house again. I am thinking perhaps we should not be thinking. Kissing is good distraction,†Heavy said, “Mother is visiting Aunt and Father is at work.†Scout squirmed out of Heavy's grip and punched Heavy's arm with the kind of playful harshness that showed he didn't mean it but that he did have a point to make. Then he laughed again. “Bullshit! I ain't helpin' you babysit ya little sisters again!†“Why not?†Heavy mused, “They like you very much!â€
I admit I rushed that a bit, as I need to leave in a bit, and I just realized I left foreign exchange student in the beginning when Heavy's whole family is in America (meaning he wouldn't be an exchange student.) Anyone who feels like pointing out any other mistakes, please do! My story was a pointless one to make but I always like constructive crit (even if I sort of technically just hijacked someone else's thread but since I don't intend to continue it, I don't suppose it matters.)
He hated his real dad for being such a dumb piece of shit and getting caught by the cops. He admired his dad for being such a hardcore badass motherfucker, who had rival gang members quaking in fear. Yet some part of Scout hoped that Clancy and Duke would succeed and that their dad would show up The "yet" is confusing. The line where Scout says that he wishes his father showed up comes immediately after a line where he says that he admires his father, so wishing that his father showed up seems like a logical follow-up rather than a "even so." Pity you are not going to continue this fic. I am wishing that Scout's father showed up, so Spy could kick his ass for being a shitty parent.
>>32 I liked it.
please continue
Don't give up kathy, I liked your fic
\o\
>>35 >>36 >>37 >>38 Samefag detected. Honestly, can we just lock down this thread and be done with it?
I only think 37 and 38 were (maybe) a samefag and the other two were directed to Dove. In any case, I agree with Feather. Dove, it'd be nice if you could repost your story on a different topic, though. It is a little confusing having your story in with... the other girl's.
I actually liked it. I never read Scout/Heavy before. Everyoen seems to always match Heavy with medic... bleh
You're right, Millia, I had that sentence out of order in the paragraph. The below arrangement would've made the "yet" make sense. He hated his real dad for being such a dumb piece of shit and getting caught by the cops. Yet some part of Scout hoped that Clancy and Duke would succeed and that their dad would show up to make this tooty-fruity pencil-pusher cry like the wimpy little shit that he was. He admired his dad for being such a hardcore badass motherfucker, who had rival gang members quaking in fear. The "even so" would've worked with the way I had it though, you're right. I also realized I really should have had a lot more description earlier on when Heavy and Dell were first introduced. I was too busy trying to focus on the story set-up though. Bad me! Yes, my initial vague idea for continuation did involve A Crowning Moment of Awesome and Badass. Possibly some heartwarming moments between Scout and Spy before that. You're in luck though (maybe.) I was inspired to proceed but not for that scene idea. My brain went into overdrive suddenly examining Dell and Scout's friendship, how it would've formed, why, and what it would be like currently and it hit me like a ton of bricks how awesome that could be. Although my brain keeps kicking me more random plot bunnies out of nowhere and it's frustrating. D: If/when I post it I'll make another thread for it. Note to Anon 41, if you like Scout/Heavy then you should also read Muscle Management by Banimal (my first and favorite, personally) and Caddy's reposts (the third story in the set has Scout/Heavy but all three stories have a mostly Scout narrative.) I don't recall if there's anything else Scout/Heavy I've read. It's true, Heavy is less frequently paired with anyone else but there are stories for Heavy/other class in afanfic and especially the archives. It just takes more digging.
>thanks
can we just get this locked, op is obviously not coming back and I'd rather not see this eyesore by the top.
>>44 what the hell, why would anyone lock this. how do you know Op is not coming back? lol.
>>44 Agreed. >>45 Hi Kathy.
Nublet was here.
I've banned Kathy-chan for suspicion of being underage, so it's safe to say that OP will not return. Unfortnately, I don't know how to lock threads here in the text boards.