A/N: I decided to share a bit of a shameless fic. Along with it I chose to use their names I found on TF2wikia, and they're from the RED team, both of them. I hope this won't be too OOC. Also, somehow I can't imagine Sniper wanting people to call him by his first name, but whatever.. Sniper/Scout Anyway here goes.. -- Neither of them knew what had happened, one moment they were fighting and in the next, their mouths were clashing fiercely in a heated kiss. It was like they were tired of fighting physically and wanted to try something new. They gave it their all into the heated kiss, making it become all too hot, so clothes were soon torn apart and thrown away. The brunets' hand were clutching tightly in the raven bushmans' hair, like he was afraid the other would let go. Though he didn't have to worry, as he was pushed against the wall in his own room. He didn't complain when the sniper attacked his neck with a vicious mouth and nipped at his skin, while leaving very visible possessive marks. Their hands were tangled around the others body, desperately clawing to get closer contact, like skin on skin wasn't enough. Underwear went flying through the hot air, as they grinded their hardened crotches together in a slow heated motion, while small moans and grunts left their mouths. Their hands connected and lead them into a dance of passion while they headed for more comfortable areas, the bed had to do. They both kept fighting in the heat of the passion to see who could stimulate the other more. A tongue circulated around hardening nipples sensually, making the scout arch his back and let out a pleased moan, but he was starting to get impatient when only the tip of that skillful tongue touched his proud erection. He tried to push the ravens' head onto him, but due to a slight gap in power he failed, making him let out a frustrated growl. "Aaargh... ngh... Mundy..." he growled out, trying to do anything to make said man, do what he was supposed to do, but Richard being himself never did as Billy expected. Instead he continued to tease the smaller male, while clearly enjoying being in control, and seeing how that control the scout was so proud of, was slowly falling apart. Even though the raven had fun teasing the brunet, his hard throbbing erection made itself known by twitching for action, as blood rushed through his system. He had to swallow hard to try control himself, while he brought his fingers into Billys' mouth none to gently. A slight glare from blue eyes, soon drowned in cries of pain. The fingers had been removed from the mouth and where on its' way into puckered entrance of the brunets'. Preparations had to be done, they couldn't get wet like females could. Through the pain Billy could feel Richard was unusually gentle, he had only seen and experienced the ravens' rough side. He was glad the sniper was gentle, the glimpse he had gotten of his manhood told him one thing: it was huge. Billy didn't complain, as he felt slick fingers enter into him. His own hands were clawing at the ravens' back leaving angry red marks behind, smirking when the raven gave him an icy glare. There were no way their sex could be gentle and tender, it would be rough like their fights. None of them would be satisfied otherwise. It would be a battle to see who could feel the most pleasure. The raven shifted his fingers around inside the smaller male, by just playing around with them the body beneath him were squirming in pleasure. The ravens' already rock hard cock were slowly leaking with precum as it twitched in anticipation for what was about to come. It didn't take long for the scout to grow impatient, as he glared at Richard. "Stop taking so god damn long, just do it already!" he growled out slightly frustrated. The sniper being an honest and polite man, when he wasn't killing people, asked dubiously. "Are you sure?" Instead of giving the stunned sniper an answer, the brunet swiftly moved away, making the fingers slide out of him, as he laid himself more comfortable on his back. While hooking his legs around the slim waist of the raven drawing him closer, and making the tip of the hard cock poke his ass. A grunt escaped pale lips, as a shiver crippled through the muscled body. It was very tempting to just take the inviting brunet then and there. Richard had to use all his willpower to resist, while he grabbed hold of Billys' tiny waist, to slowly rub his throbbing cock against the smooth ass, teasing him. Slight frustration was written over Billys' features as he grinded against the hard cock yearning for more, while he put his arms around the strong neck leaning upwards seeking soft lips. Their lips met in another heated kiss. A free hand found its' way to the smaller males neglected weeping erection, and started to slowly stroke it, while the raven slowly pushed his hips forward, feeling the head of his hardness slip through the tight ring of muscles, and as it did he pulled out only to push back in again and stopping when only the head was inside, repeating the motion over and over again. When Billy broke the kiss to let out a moan, a string of saliva hung between their mouths. Soon the brunet had other things to think about as his neck was attacked hungrily by nipping and kissing lips. It was almost too much for the scout, to be attacked in this pleasurable way, but he liked it. The way Richard teased him, how grunts escaped those tanned lips each time the man moved. Slowly going deeper with each teasing thrust, making the man underneath him arch his back while trying to cling tightly, clawing at his back leaving more angry marks. Feeling the strong back muscles move beneath his nails, while clearly enjoying the feeling when the man above him moved. The pain had dulled, much to the gentle pace the usually rough sniper was using, and that fact made the brown haired man relax a bit. To get more feelings out of it. A smirk etched its' way over his pale face as he watched Richards' concentration, that would be handy blackmail material later. For now he would study the raven while enjoying everything, the beds' soft cushions pushed into his back as the raven thrust his hips forward, going deeper and deeper into the other. Richard himself had never before felt so amazing, both to see Billy underneath him and feeling so complete. It felt marvelous to feel the tight inner walls around his throbbing cock, even though he still wasn't fully sheathed within. With each thrust he went deeper and deeper, while he leisurely stroked the informants' cock. Enjoying to hear the new music made out of Billys' moans. He pulled out entirely and then thrust back, burying himself into the smaller male, feeling his own pubic hair against the bare ass. Glowering in the momentarily bliss he felt, knowing he was buried deep inside of the obnoxious brat he said he hated the most. That bliss lasted until he was about to start thrusting, only to notice he couldn't move an inch. It didn't take long before the scout noticed something was wrong, as he shot a slightly irritated look at the raven above him. "What are you waiting for? The next millennia? I don't have time for this, just do it already!" he growled out irritated at the Australian. "I can't it's stuck..." "What do you mean stuck? Of course it's not stuck, there's no way, it's impossible..." Billy tried to prove his point by moving his hips backwards, only to realize it truly was stuck. "What did you do?" he burst out accusingly, trying to stay in control. "Nothing.." "Nothing? Hah, of course you did something, why else would YOU be stuck in me?" A vein popped on the bushmans' forehead as he had to listen to the brunets' rant about it being his fault. Why it was his fault he didn't know. It irritated him to no end that the scout thought it was his fault, when he had done nothing wrong. Irritated he felt his patience slowly leave him, as the scout went on with his rant. "You have to take responsibility for your actions, now take it out!" the annoying demanding voice of the scout cuts though the air, while he desperately tries to push Richard of off him, to no avail. Soon their arguing ends up in a fight, which much to Billys' pride, puts him at a disadvantage against the stronger sniper. He knows he can't overpower the strong man above him with raw strength, but that doesn't keep him from trying. Even though his attempts were meaningless, it wouldn't stop him from trying to save his pride. Nevertheless the physic laws were absolute, and he soon found himself literally pinned under the Australian bushman. As realization sunk into him, that Richard really was stuck inside him, and there was nothing he could do to separate them. How was they supposed to get their work done, the others would laugh at him for "clinging" to the sniper. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that they were in a real absurd situation. In a last attempt of trying to be in control, he glared up at the raven. "Mundy.." he said in a strained voice, as he put his hands around the broad back of the bushman. "Could you please take me to my phone?" an awkward silence followed, as the seconds turned into minutes and the minutes into... "And just who are you going to call?" the Australian bushman asked through gritted teeth, more than sure the scout was up to something as usual, and were going to use the current situation for it, but he got mildly surprised by the simply straightforward reply he got. "Fritz."
>Ctrl+f "raven" >>14 results IMO it's 14 results too many. Do you know that a raven is a bird? Do you know that even with the meaning you intended to assign to that word, it still is grammatically incorrect? Besides which, referring to people by their hair color with such frequency is incredibly obnoxious. I found this very hard to read, and impossible to finish.
Bearing the above in mind, you didn't come straight from the anime fandoms to here did you? Hair colour descriptions are probably one of the most prominent parts of those. Also neither of those characters have canon names (except Sniper who we only know as Mundy, not his first), just saying. Couple of grammar winces, you swapped tense at the end there but I do the same thing. I suggest getting a beta, there's talent but it's pretty diamond in the rough at the moment! I'd volunteer myself but I'm beta-ing about a dozen other fics (as well as other issues).
http://tf2wiki.net/wiki/Main_Page isn't http://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Main_Page The latter is official. The former isn't and people regularly fuck with it.
Sigh.
I don't think I can, you guys. There's just too much. Too much...
>>6 lol
A good going-over by a beta or an editor would rip this to pieces for the grammar, spelling and punctuation alone. You need a proofreader, at the very least. As it stands, it sounds like a Babelfish job. On failures of suspension of disbelief, let me just say that unless the top is a male canine, the penis cannot get stuck in that way. If it got in in the first place (let's not go into the saliva-as-lube fallacy either), it will come out. My facepalm hand is itching something awful.
I can't even look at the 'he got stuck in his ass' bit. I'm too upset over proper apostrophe usage. Okay, here's how to do apostrophes. 1- You may use them to make contractions- shortening of words. Would not = Wouldn't Had not = Hadn't 2- Or to make things posessive Singular person This ball belongs to Billy= This is Billy's ball When it ends in an S This game belongs to Tess= This is Tess's game Plural Those toys belong to the children= Those are the children's toys Plural ending in S This music belongs my daughters= This is my daughters' music Grammar is very, very important.
Pretty sure dicks don't get stuck in butts. Hands, yes. I got a panicked, one-handed phone call at two in the morning one time and had to talk down a pair of extremely panicky lesbians. However, given that I've never got such a call about dicks, I can state with reasonable confidence that it never happens.
Marty, your comment made reading this thread worth it.
Red, I remember you said that English is not your native language. I concur with the majority that it shows through this. Not to say it's bad. It just has more grammatical/spelling errors. The premise is funny. I have skim read this to actually find what it was about. It may not be realistic, but it would be damn funny. And that, to me, is good. It made me chuckle. It needs a lot of tidy up to make it easier to read. And as such, I find it is not just ready for publishing - which is what I see this forum as. Keep working on it - you'll get there!
>>12 Not to say it's bad. Really, Mael? I like you, but it seems like we're right at the point again where people are trying a little TOO hard to give compliments. Oh, it's bad, but it's not TOO bad. Yeah, no. While I definitely can't say this is the WORST I've ever seen, the fact still remains that it is very, VERY bad. Especially by chan standards. It stems from someone who probably hardly knows how sex even WORKS and who got all of HER (this is OBVIOUSLY a girl) knowledge from ya*oi comics. And the thing about, "Oh, it may not be realistic, but it's funny!" There are TONS of -very- realistic sex mishaps that are hilarious. You could bone someone with "digestive problems". Try to be romantic and carry someone to the bed and end up throwing out your back. Someone could have an allergic reaction to lube. But getting your DICK stuck in someone's asshole?! It just screams underage b& to me. Not to mention the references to anime in this piece of dog droppings. A vein popped on the bushmans' forehead... Really? You want to throw in a reference about a sweat drop in there, too, honey? So, yes. Disregarding all of the glaring issues with grammar, description, realistic dialogue, and anything higher than a BASIC knowledge of the characters (seriously? It doesn't take very much to see that Sniper's hair is BROWN and not BLACK. The fact that she looked at a wiki, even if it was the wrong one is encouraging, but that's just fucking discouraging), there is enough wrong with this story to render it completely broken and unacceptable. Main being the big twist. If she'd made this just a simple story about Scout and Sniper boning, I'd still have a huge beef with it, but to think someone could ACTUALLY look at this and think, "Oh, what a witty little twist!" just baffles me. End rant.
I just don't know how to take all this.. FIRST, I just want to say, English is not my native tongue, so yes there will be grammar error because I'm far from flawless, but at least I'm trying to work on it. SECONDLY, I'm still new and this was only my second fiction (to me fiction is not the same as reality though..) but somehow all these comments make me feel like I shouldn't write any more.. Sure it would be nice with constructive feedback, but all I see is people pointing out ALL the bad aspects, sure it must have been something good, no? At least a small thing.. if you only mention bad things it's not a good feedback and it will make the author feel bad. Usually feedbacks are like: you start with something good, then comes the worse part and then you end it with something good, to encourage the author to continue writing and help them get better. That's how it's done to be a good feedback. >>12 I'm still a newbie to this, and I'm still trying to get adjusted to all this. It's not easy to write in another language, and I tend to mix my native tongue grammar with the English, of course I do it unintentionally. I just wish my grammar was better, I really loved studying English and was the top of my class, but then when I was 14, we got a really bad teacher and the grammar went all messed up.. I really want to take a grammar course, but seeing as I don't have time nor money for it right now I just don't know..
I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be unsympathetic but I don't even know where to begin. Most of it left me completely indifferent. I liked one line and that was about it. The sniper being an honest and polite man, when he wasn't killing people, asked dubiously, "Are you sure?" Scout's impatience was fine and I suppose Sniper's teasing would have been better if he'd tried intentionally driving Scout up the wall with it. The "twist" I couldn't get over. While it may be fiction and everyone's level for what they'll accept with a willing suspension of disbelief varies, I think this idea was too far out there. I can accept the cell phone, sure. Miss Pauling had one so they are confirmed as having been invented already; they're just big and bulky. Scout strikes me as the kind of guy who would buy things he doesn't need as a status symbol or purely for the hell of it or because he really does use, it even though it's not a necessity. But I can't accept the idea of a man's penis getting stuck in someone's ass without a reason (such as the one mentioned in >>8 or maybe glue used by accident instead of lube, though that would hurt like a bitch and probably not even make it inside; more likely fingers would get stuck in that case.) The reason there are stories about items getting stuck inside the human body are because someone pushed the item in and either its shape kept it from being pulled back out as easily or the person accidentally or intentionally let go and it went in further than they could reach in order to retrieve it. So a human penis would either have to change shape or become detached to suddenly get stuck. Most importantly though, I thought it was unintentionally funny and annoying the way Scout was described. It's one thing for a guy to be described as kind of a wuss or weaker and it being seen as exciting to both partners. It's another when it's mentioned so offhandedly. It wasn't even explained (nor was it explained why Scout wouldn't have a tan either), considering that Sniper is taller but he isn't that much bulkier than Scout. I'd wager they'd come closer to being evenly matched than Sniper automatically winning on brute strength alone. Perhaps in experience or ingenuity or even simply leverage. Women are generally automatically muscularly outclassed by men, especially if they don't have an advantage from size or working out. Basically, I did get the manga/anime feel others did and while I have nothing against it (Princess Fortress is fucking hilarious, for instance), the stereotypical seme/uke thing does nothing for me. I just don't have much enthusiasm for this story. Some of the phrasing and word-choice was awkward (raven being the most obvious one but crippled was also incorrect; cripple is to impair or disable) but on the whole it was just bland and that's my real problem with it. Most of the story could be understood but it didn't exactly grab my imagination. That might be because of the language barrier but still. So yes, keep writing. As far as grammar and vocabulary go, there are web pages out there that could probably help. Getting someone else to go over your work before posting it would help too. I encourage people to keep going, there is always room to improve.
I won't repeat everything, the people before me already pointed out a lot of the important issues. Don't feel discouraged by honest advice and critique - You will learn a lot from it! Regarding you not having English as your first language, I feel you. I am not a native speaker either. But please realize: It is entirely possible to be a decent writer in a language that is not your native tongue. My advice is: Read as much good fiction as you can in English and observe what makes the read compelling. Play games like the English stuff on FreeRice.com and use online dictionaries and thesaurus (though please, don't go overboard with it. Chances are, if a word sounds unusual and weird to you and you have never read it in a story before, you shouldn't use it. Asking native speakers about these things helps a great deal, too!) Write different things to see how well you can describe them. Do NOT be afraid to post them online! Especially here on TF2chan, you will get a lot of helpful critique. Make sure to research via official sources. Please, man, by all means keep going. We all started somewhere. Just realize that critique is very helpful if you understand that it is not meant to pat your bum. Have fun writing!
Okay, wow. I actually thought this was a pleasant read, so the comments on here took me off-guard. Maybe it's because I've been an animu fag for way too long… hmmn. The names bugged me a bit, they just don't really fit in my head. The getting-stuck part… well, there was enough critique on that already. Though even if I wondered how the fuck that could happen, I didn't flip my shit over it. It's your second attempt at fanfiction, it's good for that. But I'd adivse you to post your stuff on some other page for now; the chan mostly has a pretty high level on those stories and as a beginner, I can see how the critique would sound harsh. Not meaning to offend you in any way. Hell, you've got my respect for trying. I wouldn't have the courage to post anything on here, actually.
Okay, wow. I actually thought this was a pleasant read, so the comments on here took me off-guard. I really wasn't trying to come off as unpleasant. I wasn't even going to say anything else until the author responded. Then I tried responding in the manner they suggested. I realize I ended up more critical than anything else but I wanted to be informative. While it wasn't a horrible story, certainly not the worst I've ever read, I still found it boring and there's no point in lying about that. This story could have substituted the Sniper with the Engineer, the Heavy, or even Medic (He could've been calling the enemy Medic at the end...) Yes, yes, they all have generally distinct accents but that wasn't my point. Hey, maybe it was the Director pretending to be the Sniper; before Miss Pauling capped his ass. That would explain the black hair. Wouldn't explain a lack of condescension in his actions but who knows? No one is anything 100% of the time. Maybe he's sweeter when he's being intimate. That's my opinion anyway. I'm all for PWP and since we know so little about the classes, there is a lot up in the air and a lot of room for speculation. I am very open-minded in general when it comes to various takes on these characters. But even then the story here didn't feel all that specific to these two or even TF2 in general. This might simply be because of the limits of communication, I don't know. That's really what I wanted to say earlier and it's not explicitly an anime related thing. I realize I keep digging my hole deeper and probably have no room to talk but beyond anything else, ignoring any feasibility and other distractions, that is the heart of why it didn't appeal to me as much as it could have. I realize that is probably a case of the author being new to writing fanfiction (possibly further complicated by writing it in another language) and we all have to start somewhere. I am not trying to discourage the author or anyone else. 8P But maybe I'm wrong. I'm certainly not perfect.
I should apologize for being a jerk, by the way. I know it is no mean feat to write anything in a language you aren't fluent in. You have written more than I could ever manage in any language beyond English and that is definitely something. The imagery was decent for the most part. And looking back over it, this was also another good line. When Billy broke the kiss to let out a moan, a string of saliva hung between their mouths. I thought about it a bit more and I retract some of what I said. I don't think it had anything to do with the amount of personality exuded. I think it's more the plot itself. Damn near any story can be tailored to work with any character if we try hard enough. It was technically PWP and I shouldn't expect much of a story from that but I think that's just it. In something very short either the sex has to be more distinctive to stand out (like having specific kinks) or extremely vivid imagery or else a very simple but solid plot/theme. The distinction this story was riding on was the twist, which I didn't care for. Because I couldn't suspend my disbelief enough, I was left with the rest which wasn't horrible but at the same time nothing unique. I guess my advice in the future then is to consider focusing more on one of those three things (or all three at once.) Research sex next time (however you'd like) for any future plot ideas or kinks. Consider trying to push the descriptive envelope. I think PerryJ had good suggestions for that kind of thing.
Dove; you don't have to apologize. You feel like a jerk? Those who really are usually don't notice. Now-not-Anon-anymore from 17 here, by the way. I was mostly referring to the others who've posted here, you actually are one of the fair ones. It's hard to point out good things when everything's pretty much okay, but nothing exceptional. I'm no native speaker either and while just writing simple little comments is no problem for me, writing actual stories makes my head smoke.