Because the idea just refuses to go away, but I can't organize a whole story out of it just yet. Suggestions for everything welcome. Not sure if there'll be actual sex yet, but a lot of what I have in mind so far involves flagrant nudity and suggestive dialogue, so I'm dropping it into /afic/ just in case. Also has a female OC in the form of a Tenth Class. If you feel like you MUST flame me for that, do it over email instead of plugging up the board. ---------------------------------------------------------------- The whole mess started when a naked lady popped out of the cake celebrating RED team's nine thousand and first win over the BLUS. Well, if you wanted to get technical about it, trouble started brewing on the horizon long before that. What we did off the clock was always a matter of contention with the Administrator, all the more so when she made a thorough investigation in the wake of the debacle between the RED Demoman and BLU Soldier. While she had found no other evidence of inter-team 'shenanigans', as she had put it, she was also less than pleased that most of the Team also got cozy with Civilians over the weekends. Those who didn't have wives or regular girlfriends cruised the local bars for one night stands; those who couldn't manage to score from those trips spent evenings in the local houses of ill repute; and a handful left suspicious deposits in sensitive instrumentation or machinery. The Administrator was, of course, displeased, but no-one gave her rants much attention. Memos and letters were being thrown away unread, while her angry lectures from tiny, static-filled screens--because flying her employees in to get yelled at in person cut too deep in the bottom line--could just be ignored. Nobody was ignoring the very well-stacked woman who was wearing a smile but nothing else. All eyes stayed on her as she climbed out, licking the frosting that stuck to her, and introduced herself. "There's a lot of names to what I do, but I'll stick to the official term: I'm what the higher ups call 'Morale Booster'. I'll answer to anything, really, but I'd prefer you call me Lady." She chuckled, as if she was finding her own joke funny. "And I'm up for anything you are, so long as you abide by my one rule--always ask first." She sidled up to the Heavy Weapons Guy, who had scored the highest in that round. "So, Mister MVP, what have you got in mind?" "Hold on!" The Soldier burst out, having found his voice at last. "Nobody's doing anything until we're sure you're not a Spy." She shook a finger in his direction. "Didn't you read any of the memos? Besides, you should rephrase that in the form of a question." Her gaze turned sultry. "Then you can investigate me all you like."
Got a chuckle out of me there and the idea of a morale booster class looks very entertaining to me in a naught comedy sorta way, if done right. Please, sir, proceed.
I think I've heard of the moral booster class before. Wasn't it a picture of some blue haired girl with pompoms. Anyway, In the first paragraph, you use 'We' but in the second paragraph you go third person'. I'm also seeing a bit of run on sentences from a combination of semicolons, commas, and hyphens. It just reads a bit choppy. You could separate lots of the semicolons into single sentences. On another note If you feel like you MUST flame me for that, do it over email instead of plugging up the board I feel that comment was slightly uncalled for and it turned me off the story from the beginning. Even more than after I read the lines "female OC in the form of a Tenth Class".
The whole mess started when a naked woman popped out of the cake celebrating RED team's nine thousand and first win over the BLUS. In truth, trouble started brewing on the horizon long before that. What the RED team did off the clock was always a matter of contention with the Administrator, but given their otherwise stellar performace she was willing to turn a blind eye. Then she found out about the friendship between the RED Demoman and BLU Soldier. In the wake of that debacle, she began a thorough investigation. While she found no other evidence of inter-team 'shenanigans', as she had put it, she was also less than pleased that most of the team got cozy with Civilians over the weekends. Those who didn't have wives or regular girlfriends cruised the local bars for one night stands; those who couldn't manage to score from those trips spent evenings in the local houses of ill repute; and a handful left suspicious deposits in sensitive instrumentation or machinery. The Administrator was, of course, very most displeased, but no-one gave her rants much attention. Flying in her star mudererers for an in-person dress-down cut too deep into the bottom line, so she settled for sending angry letters and memos instead. Then, when those got thrown away unread, she sent grunts armed with tiny monitors strapped to their chests, but in time even those were being ignored. Nobody was ignoring the very well-stacked woman who was wearing a smile and nothing else. All eyes stayed on her as she climbed out, licking the frosting that stuck to her, and introduced herself. "There's a lot of names to what I do, but I'll stick to the official term: I'm what the higher ups call a 'Morale Booster'. I'll answer to anything, really, but I'd prefer you call me Lady." She chuckled, as if she was finding her own joke funny. "And I'm up for anything you are, so long as you abide by my one rule--always ask first. It doesn't hurt to be polite, neither." She sidled up to the Heavy Weapons Guy, who had scored the highest in that round. "So, Mister MVP, what have you got in mind?" "Hold on!" The Soldier burst out, having found his voice at last. "Nobody's doing anything until we're sure you're not a Spy." She shook a finger in his direction. "Didn't you read any of the memos? Besides, you should rephrase that in the form of a question." Her gaze turned sultry. "Then you can investigate me all you like." The stunned silence didn't last long; everyone began talking at once, the disorganized debate soon turning into a shouting match as each man tried to get himself heard above the din. The opinions ran the gamut from noble to reprehensible and back again, each man taking various positions depending on how honest they were with themselves and sometimes just to be contrary. This stalemate might have continued ad infinitum had the woman not re-emerged dressed in full formal wear that showed just enough flesh in strategic places to tease the imagination. "Oh, don't stop for my sake," she crooned, making a dismissive gesture as she gave her wrist-length gloves a final adjustment. "I'm just going to drop by the BLU team's base and introduce myself to them too." At once, all of the REDs became certain that this was a bad idea. They began clamoring again, this time offering their concerns, objections, or help. The woman let them carry on for some time before holding up a finger to her lips. "That's very sweet of you guys, but you'd probably make things worse if you came with me. Besides, it's ceasefire right now. The force fields wouldn't let you out anyway. Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it." "But what if da BLU team won't letcha come back?" the Scout wanted to know, no doubt imagining worse. "And admit to themselves that they'd never win me fair and square?" the woman arched an eyebrow. "Even the BLUs must have some pride." She reached into the air and made a mock clawing motion with her nails. "Plus, it's not like I can't take care of myself." The general response from the team was skeptical, but they had to admit that she was at least right about the first two points. They didn't raise any more objections as she sauntered out the door, though the Soldier did mumble just loud enough for every to hear that she had better not come crying to them if the BLUs did try something. No one spoke again until the woman was out of earshot, and when they did, there were no disagreements. The Scout crossed his arms. "No way in hell we let tha BLUs evah win again, not even once." The Heavy waited for the nods and grunts go go around before adding his two cents. "We take turns, even if score is low." And then he smirked. "Or else I will be having little lady with me always." The team was still arguing just who pulled the most weight out of all of them when the woman strolled back in, amused. "So much for RED presenting a united front." All attention went to her again. They surrounded her, wanting to know how she got back so fast. "Shouldn't it be obvious?" she asked in return. "I respawn like the rest of you, so I took a shortcut." She flipped a stray hair over her shoulder. "How else am I supposed to keep my youthful figure and flawless complextion when there's just one of me and nine of you?"
"How else am I supposed to keep my youthful figure and flawless complexion when there's just one of me and nine of you?" Oh god I lol'd.
>>5 Eighteen of them technically, if she will service the BLU team upon victory. Definitely no easy task. So, what? Did she slit her own throat after saying goodbye to BLU? Talk about hardcore. I'd say someone as crazy as that would fit right in with the other mercs.
Lady jumping out of a cake = awesome Administrator has something against fucking civilians = What? I think it's silly to suggest that anyone would want to keep the mercenaries from having sex with someone who isn't a mercenary on the opposite team. I mean, Helen has had sex with Saxton Hale. Being against friendship/love ≠being against random sex. I'm pretty certain the reason she was against Jane and Tavish (as friends or anything else) was because she didn't want anyone realizing that she coordinates for both sides and that the feud is essentially pointless. If the mercs found out then they could inform their employers. Then the Mann brothers might uncover some skeletons in the closet or at the very least hire someone else in her place? Or the mercenaries might get cheeky and go soft or essentially slack off. That's my reasoning anyway. It might be faulty. Mind you, I've seen this idea before and I'm not saying it's bad to use it. I simply find it highly unrealistic and have a lot more trouble buying it; it takes more work to convince me. :I As for the story so far, it grabbed my interest with the original first line but I decided to wait and see where it was going before commenting. The rewrite did help ease into the idea but then forgot to mention why she had frosting on her. Unfortunately, it's starting to lose me. The focus is on her but since we know almost nothing about her, it's harder to care. This is not because she's female, a prostitute/escort, or a tenth class. It's because she's an original character and those always require more effort to garner sympathy. What you have isn't terrible but it could be a little more exciting. There's no tension so there's no reason to worry about her or cheer her on. And the mercenaries have been fairly uninteresting so far as well. I realize it's hard having so many characters interacting at once without derailing things or becoming cluttered but that's still my opinion. I did like most of her suggestive dialog and the idea of Heavy being the one who'd end up winning her most often. On the whole, I'm all for the idea and the rewrite did improve it. I'm simply not certain this will keep my attention.
Forgot to add, is she currently only in the RED team's respawn database? If she isn't, why wouldn't killing herself put her into the BLU team's respawn, as it would be closer? Unless she killed herself just a little over halfway across no man's land and thus closer to the RED respawn. Also, does she have a code for dropping the force field or is she simply not susceptible to it? These are just little things that made me wonder.
Lady jumping out of a cake = awesome Thank you! I wanted a dramatic entrance, and what could be more dramatic than naked and from a cake? Administrator has something against fucking civilians = What? I will probably have to explain this in better detail later, but basically she's overreacting as a result of the Soldier/Demoman mess. The thought of the mercs loose in the rest of the world has made her irrationally paranoid. Unfortunately, it's starting to lose me. The focus is on her but since we know almost nothing about her, it's harder to care. Unfortunately, that may be the case for a few drafts. She seems vague in the narrative not just because nobody cares all that much about her personality at this juncture, but also because I haven't really decided much about her besides "she's exactly the kind of character who would fit right in with a bunch of death-tag playing sociopaths". My current indecisiveness is also why the RED team's argument got boiled down to a paragraph's worth of descriptions--I'm unsure of what each class' opinions, public or private, are of this woman. As the OP title suggests, I'm just writing down scenes that really jumped out at me. (Coming up soon, terrible things happening to the Engineer, because that was the next big "event" I had brainstormed.) Forgot to add, is she currently only in the RED team's respawn database? If she isn't, why wouldn't killing herself put her into the BLU team's respawn, as it would be closer? Unless she killed herself just a little over halfway across no man's land and thus closer to the RED respawn. Also, does she have a code for dropping the force field or is she simply not susceptible to it? Whoops, I should mention that she's able to respawn where she likes. And the force fields don't work on her because she isn't technically a member of either team, she's just their "prize" at the end of the round.
but then forgot to mention why she had frosting on her. Btw, forget I said that part. Brainfart, since that is still the first line. The thought of the mercs loose in the rest of the world has made her irrationally paranoid. I don't see why. She doesn't seem that humanitarian to me. If they're getting laid, they aren't blowing up national monuments (at least at the same time, hopefully.) Besides, if they're allowed time off base then they're going to be out and about anyway. Not to mention, Saxton Hale is allowed to run free. And then there's Australia... (Coming up soon, terrible things happening to the Engineer, because that was the next big "event" I had brainstormed.) I think a better idea would have been picking a mercenary to be the POV narrator and sticking with him. Especially if something important is going to happen to the Engineer. Then the optimal choice would perhaps be to choose him. He could be quite self-absorbed and not even notice anyone else's opinion (though the truth could be said about any of the mercenaries.) Whoops, I should mention that she's able to respawn where she likes. And the force fields don't work on her because she isn't technically a member of either team, she's just their "prize" at the end of the round. I'm ignoring how plausible that might be because all it takes is enough effort to make it work. My real problem with that notion is that it contributes little to making her sympathetic. She has nothing to struggle against, nothing to strive for. I realize that on some level the needs of the plot need to be met but so far there isn't much of a plot either, so it isn't a matter of sacrificing one thing for another. I am again thinking it might be best to focus on one of the mercenaries, as they were clearly limited, have a new goal centered around her, and might end up struggling against the Administrator's decision once they realize they are meant to sleep with her and only her (some of them might not care but others might.) Just my feelings on the matter so far.