Title sucks, couldn't think of anything better.Not Beta'd since my usual beta reader is refusing to do anything at the moment for reasons that will not be divulged to the general public.Long lead up and explenation and shit. The REDs are probably going through the same situation, thats why their not being asses and shooting stuff. say theres a cease fire or some shit for recuitment procedures.crap explenation is crap. read the damn fic.______________________________________________________________This is not what Scoota was expecting when she signed up for this war. She had trundled to the enrolment office with a grin on her face; the prospect of joining something where she could actually be useful filled her with a grand tingle of joy. Hair crammed beneath a baseball cap she spoke in a well rehearsed voice of an adolescent boy, her imitation obviously up to scratch. Oddly enough she didn’t have a physical, but this was a lucky break for Scoota, her chest was bound and would be a dead giveaway if her baggy shirt was removed. The man at the enrolment desk nodded to her and pointed to a line for her to sign.The next thing she knew, she was whisked off in the back of a van, somewhat strange. Surely others had enlisted to fight? Shrugging it off Scoota curled up in a corner with her bag. She had been given a blue shirt and a map of a building, obviously her to-be base. She sighed to herself and wondered what role she would play in the team she would join. Perhaps she would assist one of the team members, like a second medic. That seemed reasonable, she did have first aid training. Then again, she had to do a series of athletic tests before being given the all clear to even go to the enrolment office to sign the papers. Maybe she would be used as a runner alongside the scout, doing death defying leaps to secure intelligence. Perchance the engineer would need an assistant, she was quite smart and learnt things quickly, so maybe she could help design and build, even carting metal around would be fine if she could do something to help him. These prospective jobs swam inside her head, making her slightly giddy.The van halted suddenly, causing the occupant in the back to slide backwards and hit her head on the metal that connected the cab to the rest of the van. Scoota grimaced and rubbed the offended spot of her head, cursing the driver. When she heard the slam of the cab door shutting, she shut up quickly. What if the driver had heard, she didn’t want to know what would happen is she got herself in trouble this early. Scoota guarded her eyes as the huge doors if the van opened.The light still stung her eyes, even with her hand shading them. A dark figure clambered into the back of the van as her eyes slowly adjusted. The figure was male, she knew that much, not as if there were any females on the teams to begin with. He bent down slowly as Scoota could finally clearly see who her transporter was. He had dark brown hair stashed underneath a broad brimmed hat, one side folded up like a traditional Australian digger. His eyes were hidden behind murky aviator shades, but it was clear by his expression he was judging her. The class of the man suddenly jumped into Stoota’s head, she almost slapped herself for not realising sooner. The Sniper. The Sniper was grinning at her, not a grin of approval or welcome, one that sent a shiver down her spine. It wasn’t malicious, but it was the same troublemaking grin that the boys at her old school would shoot her when she first transferred. Fresh Meat. Nevertheless, the Sniper offered his hand to help her up, which she gladly accepted. Her legs were stiff after the long period of sitting down, she had to shake them to return normal blood flow causing her teammate to raise an eyebrow. He made his way to the back of the van, hopping to the ground and motioning for her to follow. Scoota hurried to get outside the musty confines of the vehicle, jumping off the back to the dusty ground below. She took a deep breath and looked at the expanse before her.The Sniper watched as she looked around in awe. A deep chuckle broke Scoota out of her revere. She whipped her head around to face the Sniper, her face contorted into one of annoyance. He simple looked down and grinned. “Never seen a base before kid?” He said casually, his accent flowing over the words, reminding Scoota of her old home. She nodded slowly, still taking in the fact she was actually here. “Every mans dream is to fight, if you believe the Soldier, that is” The sniper spoke again, his words holding something that Scoota couldn’t pinpoint. “You must be glad to be here ‘ey boy”.Scoota nodded enthusiastically, adopting her lower voice to speak. “Yeah, I’ve been wanting to sign up for a long time, can’t believe I got to enlist” She answered, grinning from ear to ear. The Sniper chuckled again before leading her to the main building and through the cool whitewashed halls, some more degraded than others, until they reached a huge dining room. Around the long wooden table sat the rest of the BLU team, all of them eyeing up the new recruit. Scoota reminded herself not to get nervous under their gaze, as she scanned the people in the room. The Medic scrutinized her face, his eyes moving up and down her body as if to see what condition she was in. The Heavy smiled and said something in a low voice about “babies”. The Engineer raised an eyebrow and laughed to himself but still smiled warmly at her. Pyro just looked towards her; it’s not as if she could tell what he was looking at under that mask. Demoman took a swig out of his bottle and laughed shaking his head at her. Soldier was frowning, even though she could not see his eyes, he could tell he was judging her. The Scout didn’t even bother to look at her straight on, just glancing up for a bit before looking at the floor once more, muttering under his breath.Scoota looked to her side only to find that Sniper had vanished, probably back to whatever vantage point he shot from. This left her alone, standing in front of a group of people that were sizing her up. She looked around the room once more, doing a quick head count. Seven? But there were nine members on a team, and only sniper had left. Only now did she realise there was a presence behind her, one she couldn’t see but was there all the same. She moved to hit the man behind her, only to find her hands caught above her head.The Spy uncloaked himself, and Scoota found herself too close for comfort to him. Spy smiled slightly before puffing some smoke in her face. “If I were an enemy spy, you would be dead by now” he said coolly, but oddly still smiling, releasing her arms and stalking off down the hall. Scoota was left blushing as a huge uproar of laughter erupted behind her. “Spy give ze leetle baby big scare!” Heavy roared, banging his huge fist on the table, still laughing. “yo look at his face” Scout jeered “what’s up chucklenuts? Did our spy make ya piss yaself?”Scoota bolted out the room, not bothering with her job assignment and briefing. She was mortified and isolation was the only cure. Jogging up the stairs, she extracted the map out of her bag and noted where the dorms were. Moving swiftly, she made her way to the sleeping quarters and fished out the key that was to her room. Inserting the small silver key into the lock, she turned it, the click allowed access to the room and she creaked the door open. The room was barely furnished, with only a bed and a dresser. Guess you didn’t need much during a war, Scoota thought to herself.She dumped her bag on the dresser and opened the draws. Fantastic, who in their right mind would give her pink sleeping gear? She figured it was another joke the team had pulled one her. The other draws contained more blue shirts and the last draw had a curious black box within it. Taking it out gingerly, she opened the box to find a small revolver and some bullets inside. Extra precaution, she thought, carefully putting the box and its contents back.Moving over to the door, she quickly locked it and took off her hat and shook out her hair. Even though it was only neck length, her honey blonde hair was already knotted. She quickly slid off her shirt and untied the bandages that kept her womanly features bound. She sighed in relief as the pressure on her chest was lifted. Putting on her blue shirt once more, she closed the drapes over the cracked window and lay on her bed, content to nap until someone needed her.Night had fallen by the time Scoota awoke to the loud banging on her door. She quickly leapt out of bed and ran to the door. “What’s up?” she enquired loudly as the banging ceased. “Ya ‘initiation’ is startin’ ” said the person behind the door. Scoota quickly identified the voice as the Scout. “Hope ya can hold ya drink!” he added before walking away from her door. Scoota gulped. Drinking wasn’t really her strong point, she was at a natural disadvantage anyway, men could drink more than women. She had already experienced the effect of excessive consumption of the stuff, and she had not enjoyed the after effects.She got ready swiftly, and walked to the dining room, her stomach doing back flips. Once she arrived, she could see this would be her worst nightmare. Several bottles of alcohol were crowded around a tiny shot glass. The team were gathered around a single chair, which faced the mass of booze. Medic, Sniper and Spy were not present, but that wouldn’t make it any easier for her. All eyes were on her as she sat before the shot glass, some team members sniggering to each other.“Choose yer poison laddie” Instructed Demoman as Scoota looked hesitantly towards the bottles. She scanned the labels for any indication of what they were, some were so worn that the names were indistinguishable. She first chose a bottle of vodka that she spotted at the back. The label was in Russian, but it was the only clear liquid and she doubted there would be Gin inside. She poured the liquid into the glass and set the bottle down, looking around as the people around her clambered in for her first shot. Lifting the glass to her lips she quickly tipped her head back and knocked back her first shot. The liquid burned her tongue and throat, but it was better than any of the stronger stuff. Scout sniggered behind her. “Knew he would choose the girl stuff first” he said poignantly before reaching past her to pick up a bottle of Whiskey. He poured some of the liquid into the glass and set the bottle to the side. “Try sum of that” he said simply. Scoota looked at the glass nervously. She had only ever drunk vodka and light rum, and this would surely make her chuck up later.She picked up the glass but did not drink, musing about the choice she was about to make. Unfortunately her train of thought was crashed by a loud and gravely voice. “Cowards do not belong on the battlefield!” shouted Soldier “Have you no balls at all son?”. Scoota laughed in her mind at the statement, before knocking back the second shot. The liquid tasted foul and almost threatened to come back up, but she kept it down, pure determination her only drive at the present moment.Downing glass after glass of various liquid dugs, Scoota began to feel quite drunk. In her current state she could not control her actions that well, and when she was offered another shot, she almost missed her mouth completely. Letting out a peal of laughter she downed the shot and promptly collapsed on the table. She could hear the group discussing behind her, she hoped she had done a good job. There was a small argument above her, she could not understand the words but it seemed Heavy was getting rather annoyed.Soon lithe arms picked her up and made her stand. Scout looked down at her but said nothing as he slung her arm around his neck and held her waist to keep his charge upright. “didn’ know someone so puny could drink that much” he mumbled before hoisting Scoota up the stairs to her room. Scoota could barely keep her eyes open as Scout fished in her pockets for the key to her room. He opened the door and dumped her on the bed. She was too drunk to notice or care that Scout didn’t leave the room straight away, but hovered over her, examining her body. Scoota blinked a few times and wondered why he was staring at her like that; she was supposed to be a guy after all. Maybe Scout was like, gay or something, she thought before blinking a few more times, trying to get a tiny bit of lucidity in her muddled mind. She looked up as he moved to take off her hat, too tired to stop him. When Scout found the mop of hair beneath, she could see his eyes light up. Did he think she was a gay guy because she had longer hair? That was kind of weird.Scouts hands roamed her body, hooking under her shirt and pulling it up. Scoota tried to contest, only to be shushed by a fierce kiss to the lips. As soon as the kiss was broken, Scout laughed airily “ya think that drinkin’ was ya only initiation?” he asked, not expecting an answer. He lifted Scoota’s shirt up and shook it off her limbs, looking down at the bandages wrapped tightly around her breasts. “What the hell?” he asked quietly before tugging at a bandage and unwrapping the bonds, exposing Scoota’s breasts to the cool air. Scoota could hear Scout stuck for words. He was gibbering away with half formed words before finally producing a coherent sentence. “Your a CHICK?” he exclaimed loudly, before being shut up by a hand over his mouth. Scoota had sobered up slightly and was shushing the damn Scout. “Yes. I am a girl” She said with confidence, clearly more sober “And you better not blab this to anyone”. Swatting her hand away, a grin slowly slid its way onto the scouts face “I wont tell nobody dollface, as long as you do somethin’ for me”. Scoota was about to ask exactly what he wanted, when she was again met with a kiss.Scout was on top of her before Scoota could say anything. His hands were wandering over her torso, stopping every so often to massage and pitch at her breasts. Scoota moaned deeply as Scout suckled at her neck, his hands caressing every inch of her bare skin, the sensation more intoxicating the alcohol in her system. Soon Scouts mouth moved lower as he undid the clasp of her pants and pulled them down, along with the underpants underneath. One of his hands began to tease the moist nest between Scoota’s legs, drawing a long moan from her mouth.Scoota could tell he hadn’t much experience dealing with a woman, but he certainly made up for it with enthusiasm. Scouts mouth was over one of her breasts sucking and nipping as he inserted a finger into her, moving it in and out haphazardly. Scoota howled in pleasure, clutching at the sheets underneath her. However, soon the pleasure ceased as Scout removed his hand and straightened up, unbuckling his own pants. “My turn toots” he whisperedHe pulled down his pants and underwear, exposing his manhood. Precum glistened in the low light of the room as Scout stroked himself a few times before lifting up Scoota’s legs. He positioned himself at her entrance and gradually pushed himself in, the feeling of being filled causing Scoota to pant and moan. Soon he began thrusting, grunting softly and moving at a steady pace. Scoota clawed at Scouts back, moaning and breathlessly swearing. The slap of skin against skin resonated in the room, both parties’ moans becoming far more frequent.Looking up, Scoota saw that Scout was concentrating on the task at hand, his face as contorted in determination and pleasure, his mouth open to breathe easier. She watched his muscles move as he thrusted, the world seeming to slow down as they made love. Scout was so filled with reckless abandon; Scoota guessed that was what made him tick, what possessed him to take such a dangerous job.Scoota cried out as she reached her climax, her body clenching in blissful spasm. Scout came soon after, collapsing on top of Scoota, breathing heavily. Carefully, he extracted himself from her body and held her close. She laughed, out of breath and spent. “So you won’t tell anyone?” Scoota asked. “Not a peep” Scout replied, kissing her on the lips quickly before cleaning himself up and dressing. Scoota smiled warmly as Scout left her room, so what if someone figured out who she really was, she didn’t regret it at all.(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
>This is not what Scoota was expecting when she signed up for this war.I... I couldn't read anymore after this sentence.I'm sorry.
ಠ_ಠ
this... is a joke, right? :[
If you don't like it, don't read it. Honestly, this is my first attempt at anything like this.I am aware I fail, no need to reiterate.than name 'scoota' is an old joke between a couple of friends and myself.
5If you're aware of the fail, then please don't post it here. For your own good really, or you're going to get the shit ripped out of you.Like now.
>>5"If you don't like it, don't read it"? How the sweet loving fuck is anybody supposed to know whether they fucking like it or not until they fucking read it, you goddamned shitfaced idiot? Are we supposed to use our PSYCHIC POWERS to tell the content of your shitty fic beforehand or something?
Uh, wow. It just doesn't get more mary-sue than this.
what in the hell happened herei leave you people alone for five minutes and anarchy happens
Ok, you know, I was going to try to legit go over this with a red pen and show you what you've done wrong, but there's justtoomuchshiti can't even bring myself to edit this
I like this. Yes, there were errors, but up until the sex scene it was good. The Mary sue part I noticed would have been that.
>>10 I think you should because that'd be a very valuable lesson for the author. VERY valuable.
men could drink more than womenMasoginistic much?she did have first aid trainingdoing death defying leapsshe was quite smart and learnt things quicklySHE CAN DO EVERYTHINGher honey blonde hairMARY SUUUUUUUUUUUUUEAlso the sex scene reads like it was written by a 14 year old.
>>11OP posting as anon in her own thread spotted>>12i'd have to print it out and red-ink it in hardcopy, and it's four pages long when typeset :/
Please, I have yet to even bother writing for this chan. If I did, there'd be no spelling errors.
I... what... WHAT?WHAT IS THIS?
RETARDED FAGGOTS IN MY TF2CHAN, PLEASE SEND RED INK AND BOXING GLOVES
>>8 Yes it does, and I wrote it:http://community.livejournal.com/capslokdethklok/532489.htmlGranted that's the Dethklok fandom. I'll do it here eventually, you watch. I'll outrun the Scout and out-eat the Heavy. Or maybe just eat out the Heavy. Either way.
>>18LOL, how the hell do you eat out a dude?Unless... HEAVY HAS HAD A VAGINA ALL ALONG?GASP!
Heavy is a cuntboyyou heard it here first folks!
>>19 Well, from behind. And with the use of a big sheet of plastic wrap if you're playing safe. Not that him being a ginormous hairy Soviet lady would really put me off. I done worse.
>>21A Mary Sue giving the Heavy a rimjob?... That sounds both awful and hilarious for some reason.
here you go sorry i couldn't finish ithttp://i28.tinypic.com/33z9xrl.jpghttp://i26.tinypic.com/opu5o3.jpg
owl is god
> 23All that's all you need to know about that.
I find it more than a little amusing that bad fics get more comments than good ones, hereabouts. OP, sweetheart, if your beta is on vacation for personal reasons, you might try to find a replacement before you completely humiliate yourself in public. If you must write OC's, remember to give them flaws, or at least limit them and personify them in some way that isn't just a laundry list of how awesome they are.Also, if you're going to do a short narrative, present (active) tense tends to draw the audience in more. Action verbs are more involving, past tense takes a strong narrative tone to have as much of an effect. I'll come back and offer more crits when I haven't had a pile of beer in rapid succession, but basically what I mean is not that you should stop writing, but that you should develop your style a bit more before you inflict it on others.
> 23Sweet Jesus it's like middle school all over again.
Seriously, now I can see why some people stay away from the Chan now-a-days. Anytime someone tries to settle in (case in point, the person who wrote this fic. Not the best, but I'm sure in later tries they will be better :) Like any other NORMAL writer.) they have their face chewed off by other members. It's disgusting, rude, and it saddens me to see, if anything, nothing really has changed. All these comments of (Mary-Sue! OMG LAME WRITING!) are just pathetic. IF you can do better, by all means write it, though instead of ripping into the writing, give helpful criticism. Jesus, it's like a bunch of hormonal teenagers on a Fred youtube binge.
>>23Owl wins forever.FLAWLESS VICTORY.
It's not horrible,but it does have potential.(Don't give up.)
>>23I say perchance... :C>>28Dude, people here fall all over themselves to help new writefags and drawfags out -- there are art crit threads in /fanart/, /afanart/, and /offtopic/; an art reference thread; and a thread in /offtopic/ full of people offering to beta read or help with research. I doubt it would be this ragey if the author had taken her lumps intead of responding with "if you don't like it, don't read it".
Moist Nest
>>32Exscreamed.
>>28anytime someone POSTS A TERRIBLE FIC AND THEN GETS UPPITY AND SAYS "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON'T READ IT" then they get their face chewed offif somebody posts a fic that needs some work and says "i know it needs some work" and gets corrected and says "oh ok" or something they're fine because that is how adults respond to criticismif you can't respond to criticism like an adult i don't feel the need to treat you like an adult when i'm giving the criticism v(._.)v>IF you can do better, by all means write iti do thanks>>27your mom is like middle school all over again
>>34(i wouldn't have responded to this fic in any way, shape or form - i usually DON'T respond to fics i don't like because i figure "i don't like this" is not a useful thing to say to someone - if i hadn't seen the OP coming back with the "if you don't like it don't read it" remark)
i like this fanfic i drew fanart for youhttp://i27.tinypic.com/5drnfp.jpg
>>28Bitch everyone and their brother's mother could have beta'd this, pointed out how shit it was, and made certain that they didn't post this shit and instead posted better shit. Don't be retarded, that's what the OP is for. I HAVE written better (I assume :V). Perhaps this was not the best line to bust out with on this board! We've had plenty of people come in and suddenly post good shit- for example on this very first page DuskZephyr- and get kudoes, to date myself. This just sucks. Sometimes, the best criticism you can give is 'this is a piece of shit, start over'. I don't know anything about this Scout besides lol, tits, and ~honey blond hair~. The structure is atrocious; there's spelling errors- Scoota?- and formatting errors, as my erstwhile comrade Owl has pointed out, there's logic issues and it feels extremely passive. I kept waiting for the weird fetish to show up which would explain why this was a total piece of shit but all I got was moist nest. So get banned, you piece of shit.
>>37lol forgot my trip :V
Im waiting for Medica, LaDemoya and Spyly to turn up in the next installment. BBF FOREVERS WITH SPARKLES.
28 lol white knighting. Seriously if want a happy fun environment with only positive comments and a personal hug box all the time then you can either live in a delusion or you can pay for your own server and censor the shit out of it, til then you're attempted point is invalid.
30 Demoicia
I read it out loud for those of you who can't bear to read ithttp://www.sporkbot.com/BLU/An_Unusual_Recruit.mp3
Jesus Christ, what a fucking nightmare. There's just... it makes my head hurt too much to even think of trying to point out what to fix.Also, I have a newfound love for owl tiem.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING?OH SHIT I WENT BLIND.WHAT THE FUCK AM I LISTENING TO?
Um, people are not being nice about this.Ask a namefag to beta your next one.
This is either a brilliant troll or...Well, I'm hoping it's a brilliant troll.
>>46 BY JOVE I THINK YOU'VE GOT IT
You've probably left the Chan by now ,but i'm gonna comment anyway.All that just for the story to end with such a short ,thrown together sex scene is a big disappointment.In all fairness i DID skim over it first ,like i do with all long stories. It's not the WORST thing i've ever seen."It's not what you do, its how you do it." What looks Mary sue is how you wrote her as a more feminine ,dainty female ,but for whatever reason she's posing as a man. You also wrote it like "As a woman she has disadvantages to men" ,but made her good enough to be on the same team as THESE men.As for posting on Chans ,I don't. I haven't since YEARS ago on 4chan, back when it was basically as shitty as people talked about it when it got that news publicity. (I'm probably the only one that remembers that.) However, post anything in any sort of public view opens you to all kinds of responses ,but I must say Chan sites aren't for people that are easily offended ,or anything.Hell, i'll most likely get flamed by SOMEBODY for this comment for whatever errors it has ,or for not being a totally dick to you.Good luck with future endeavors.
hon hon honHON HON HON HONHONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
>>48I'll just point out how your comma placement makes me weep. The rest of it is pretty much correct.
>>50This, but your capitalization also makes me weep.
>>48 I have no strong feelings either way regarding your comment.
>>48Well, I agree 100% with you.But I must add that a little bit a (both good and bad) criticism here and there builds character.At least that's what my grampa used to say.As for the fic: I admit that (very) poor writing is a major turn-off for me. So I couldn't read all of it.
I started going ffff and then got to TRUNDLED and went WHOA WHAT.I read the first page of owl's edited copy and lost the will to live about the same time she did. My brother wrote better fic when he was 10.
Thanks for the audio spork! And as for the fic, you should have known that it's dangerous to post any genderbend fics in /afic/ since there are strong rules/opinions on how the characters should be handled. Without taking this into consideration (let alone the whole mary sue thing or the incredibly convenient plot line that contradicts itself sometimes) you're in for a terrible surprise when the comments start up. Imho if you keep an open mind and take criticism a million times better than you are right now, you'd probably do just fine. Well... maybe. But just keep on writing and take this as a lesson; even though it was embarrassing and upsetting, if you really want to be a writer or a fanfic writer at least, this can only make you better.A little long winded, I apologize, but in the future please be certain of your audience and please edit your own work. Just because I have a super awesome beta doesn't mean that I don't edit my own fanfics. Good luck I suppose ahaha
Oh and Owl, your editing work is divine
owl = win
*eats popcorn*
Don't bitch at owl, your story was unreadable for many reasons, blatant mary sue character aside.A beta reader would have helped little since it seems like you have a hard time using a spell check and your attitude towards criticism is shit.Are you really surprised that we're not all cuddles and "HOORAY YOU HAD A BOWEL MOVEMENT ON PAPER, WE LOVE YOU" over this shitty piece of writing? That we aren't welcoming you here with arms wide open when it seems like you are precisely the kind of person we've had issues with in the past?BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE.MODS=GODS, BEGGING FOR THE BAN HAMMER TO BE BROUGHT DOWN UPON THIS HERETIC.
This post has been deleted.
>>1BAN FOR THE BAN GOD, REDTEXT FOR THE REDTEXT GODS
Oh yeah for the record I'm the one that banned this person :V
>>62you can tell it wasn't me, because if it was me i would've had the red text be "it was clear by the ban that they were judging her"
>>63That would have been so awesome.
>>63I would have chuckled.
>>48 If that's all it takes to make you weep my typos at 4am will make you hang yourself.>>53 You have a point on the character part.I skimmed the fic ,then I looked at the comments and read the whole thing to see what was so bad. I can crit ,but I'm just not one to say "THIS IS SHIT! GO KILL YOURSELF!". In general ,I not the same type of "critical" as more TF2chaners have displayed.>>59 "I skimmed the fic ,then I looked at the comments and //read the whole thing //to see what was so bad.">>62 I like the way you did it.