[Author's note: I nabbed the neutral town of "Steamroll" from Jathis. It's a very handy town. Fighting men need a place to unwind, or else you get... well, basically the entirety of AFANFIC, but yeah. You need a town. So I stole Jathis'].
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The BLU Scout had managed to give his teammates the slip during an authorised R&R break to Steamroll, the little town in the middle of nowhere equidistant from the RED and BLU bases. Basically the only thing that it had to recommend it was that it was in fact in the middle of nowhere, equidistant from the bases. The one bar approved for recreational visits was full of his teammates, and empty of any civilians. Why even bother going into town? So the Scout has slipped out the alley door to find another bar.

He wasn't sure exactly how he had found this place. It wasn't like it had any signs. It seemed to attract customers by magnetism, or gravity. He'd once heard the Engineer going on about how large enough objects created their own gravity, maybe that was the case. The bazooms on the women in here were definitely exerting an irresistible attraction. The Scout was trying not to get whiplash from watching the girls go past. He had no fuckin' idea how he was going to talk to any of them, but he had to; grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and Scout? He had to hit that.

To his total amazement, a tall, dark-haired woman in a skin-tight red dress sashayed up to him. "You look thirstee and lonelee, can I get you somesing to drink?" She had a smoking-hot French accent, and took a drag on her cigarette holder in a way that made Scout's mouth go dry.

"Uhh... whatta they got that's good?" Oh, smooth, doofus, he mentally berated himself.

"Rum and Bonk, Flaming Bonk, Bonktini?" she suggested, apparently charmed by his youthful naiveté.

"I think I'll need one'a each," he managed.

"Ou, but eet weel cost you," she winked.

Oh. OH. This was one of /those/ kind of places! Soldier had warned him about this kind of place, in vague but dire terms that made him desperate to find one. "Oh yeah, baby, I got plenty'a money, Team BLU pays real good." Bragging, that was familiar territory.

"Ooh la la, you are one of ze BLUs, non? Ze RED team was in 'ere last week, an' you were all zey could talk about..."

"Oh yeah? What'd those assfags have ta say about us?" Scout guzzled a drink that had magically appeared.

"Zey were... deesappoint about how badly zey are beaten by you. To be honest, I sink you make zem... how you say..." the woman made a limp gesture with her pinky finger, "eempotent."

"Ha!" The Scout brayed. "They nevah even made it inta the fort!"

"I 'ear your sentries are quite somesing," the dame smiled.

"Yeah. Hardhat's got 'em runnin' this crazy way based on the constellations over Texas or some shit, the REDs never know where they're pointed, then BAM!" Scout took another slurp of his drink.

"A celestial algorithm, extraordinaire," the woman murmured, as if to herself. "But, I see your drink is almost empty, you must permit me to bring you anuzzer."

"Anything you want, dollface," the Scout leered.

Over the next hour, their pleasant conversation ranged over all sorts of topics- the Pyro's improvements on flamethrower design, the Scout's extreme proficiency in bonking anything roughly spherical, be it baseballs or skulls, and the number and timing of the Soldier's nightly patrols. Like many young men, the Scout liked to brag; unlike any girl the Scout had med previously, this woman listened to all of it in apparent erotic fascination.

After he had told her all about the Demoman's new explosive formulae and his own Little League triumphs, though, he was clean out of conversation. The booze was working on him, and he found it difficult to do anything but stare at the cleavage on display in that low-cut red dress.

The woman just seemed amused. She looked like she was considering something. "Would you like to go... upstairs?" she asked at length.

"Hot damn!" The Scout slammed his drink to the table, slopping the dregs. "Oh, yeah, how much?" He fumbled for his wallet.

"Sh sh sh," the woman scolded. "Ze ownair, he is understanding, but eet ees still polite to be discreet, oui? Upstairs, tout suite." She patted his rump to get him moving.

Once upstairs, the Scout was unaccountably nervous. "So, uh... how's this go? I never did this before," he blurted.

"Ees ze sacred duty of ze amoureuse to educate ze young man in ze ways of love," the woman smiled hungrily. "Do not worree..."

"Nah, toots, I know how to, you know, fuck. Just how do I pay up?"

"Oh," she said flatly. "Ten dollairs Americain, leave it on ze nightstand." She seemed to regroup as the Scout took out two grubby fivers and put them on the little table. Apparently, she reappraised him and decided that he would still do.

"Zo..." she unzipped her dress, revealing perfectly round, creamy bosoms. "What do you sink of zat?"

"Ghuh..." the Scout dropped his wallet.



"You like eet?" She stepped out of the dress, revealing a garter belt, stodkings, and NOTHING ELSE but her totally bare naked lady parts.

"Argle..." the Scout's tongue was hanging out of his mouth, and his boner was bursting his britches.

"Oh, quel drôlerie, you nevair have seen a naked woman before!" The lady's smile returned in full force.

"Well, I mean, I uh, technically, Janie let me touch, but... no," the Scout admitted.

"Eet is all right, mon petit imbécile," she smiled. "Maman will take care of ev'reesing..." Working with practised ease, she stripped the Scout of his clothing and guided him to the bed. He lay on it stiff as a board, his boner pointing straight to the ceiling.

"I geeve you special treat for ze first time, non?" The dark-haired woman smiled wickedly as she straddled him. "Up ze derriere!"

"I- aght!" the Scout exclaimed as she rubbed a sort of grease on his dick. All right, if that's what she wanted. He wasn't about to complain.

The hot, sliding tightness as the woman lowered herself onto him was the most amazing thing he'd ever felt. He would have come right then, except that the experienced older woman seized his balls in a grip like a steel vise and pulled them away from his body.

"Not zo fast, mon petit aubergine," she purred. "Savour ze moment."

Scout was savouring it like all Hell as the woman rode up and down his slick shaft. She felt heavier than he would have expected, but who was he to complain? He went to grope at her preternaturally round bosoms, but she quickly grabbed his wrists and pinned them to the bed.

Just as the Scout was discovering that he LOVED dominant women, the door slammed open. "THAT HOOKER'S A SPAH!" the Engineer shouted. The Pyro elbowed him aside and unleashed a gout of flame at the woman. "She" vanished, replaced by a naked, hairy, on-fire and still visibly aroused man. He threw himself to the floor and began rolling around, trying to extinguish the flames. The Pyro of course hit him down again, pouring on the flame until the Engineer tapped him on the shoulder and threw a blanket over the flaming mess to avoid setting the whole damn place on fire.

"What's going on in here, maggot?!" the Soldier demanded, crowding into the room.

"We were- but she- and then I-" the Scout blathered.

"What'd you tell him, private?"

"I... uh..." the Scout reviewed his conversation with the alleged woman. "... everything," he admitted weakly.

"So what was to be gained from seducing YOU, maggot?"

"He musta just wanted to," said the Engineer as he prodded the smouldering lump with his wrench.

[Another author's note: the actual title of this is THAT HOOKER'S A SPAH!]