Noob Pyro #3: Sexual Deviants Everywhere

Anyone reading this is probably going to think that I'm as big a slut as any Scout. I mean, first the thing with Heavy and Medic, and then the thing with Demo, and now - well - Scout. But really, I'm not! I didn't /mean/ for this to happen! Heavy and Medic - well, that was sort of just a comfort thing, right? And Demo - hey, he was drunk, I was asleep, I woke up with a hand down my pants and by the time I came around all the way it was kind of too late to stop. And Scout - he started it! It's not my fault!

I'm starting to think I'm the only one on my team who isn't some kind of sexual deviant, honestly.

We only have one communal shower room on our base, so I have to try to sneak in after everybody else has taken theirs so I can have some privacy. I'd just finished up, and I was taking a minute to dry off and check my hair (it needs to be buzzed pretty often) before I suited up again, when the door opened and Scout walked in.

I jumped for my mask and managed to pull it on before he saw me, but I dropped the towel I was wearing in the process, and when I turned around to scold Scout for not knocking he was doing what can only be described as "totally checking me out." I've been checked out less thoroughly at the supermarket. And I swear to you, he actually licked his lips a little.

I blushed all the way down to the collarbones and waved my hands at him, but he ignored me. "Hey Pyro. Heh, sorry. Y'know, that's, uh, I ain't gay or nothin' but that's a pretty nice cock you got there."

I didn't really know how to respond to that.

I started to ask him if he would please step aside so I could go get my clothes, and when it became pretty obvious that he was too busy staring at me - at one particular bit of my anatomy, no less - to listen I snapped my fingers in mid-air at waist level. "Earth to Scout?" (Or, well, "urf a Fow." I do what I can within my limits.)

He just licked his lips again. "Yeah - real nice."

The next thing I knew I had a Scout kneeling in front of me, sucking my cock. Seriously, what could I do? He could have bitten me or something! Besides - well - this was, good Lord, half the team I'd been with now, so I really figure it's just the way we are here on BLU. This is a very touchy-feely posting, I guess. And if that's how we are that's how we are, right? I don't want to offend everybody by going against the accepted social norms just because I'm new! And anyway, Scout was, well, pretty good at it, at least as far as I could tell, not having had too much experience with it before coming here. I guess from all the practice he must have gotten, what with this being a really touchy-feely team and all. (Besides, he was a Scout, which probably helped. I'm not one to buy into stereotypes - I'm a Pyro, I know how it is, but.)

But yeah - pretty good at it, although I'm not sure - is it even possible to be bad at it? I've never had it be bad, but - I'm rambling. Pretty good at it. Good enough that I really wanted something to lean against. I took a step backward, pulling away from him; he looked up with a noise like an annoyed kitten and followed, until I had my back to the wall and my knees could go all jell-o if they wanted to. Which they kind of did. Scout had this way of swirling his tongue around the top like he was eating an ice cream cone or something, and with one hand helping him take it all in and alternating that with cupping my balls (I figured out pretty quickly what he was doing with the other hand, and I thought of offering to help or something, but - ) - yeah, pretty good at it.

When I came I ended up getting some on his face, but apparently he did that on purpose, and he licked it off - "Thanks, man." The hell?

Afterward he didn't act any differently than he had before, so I'm still not really sure what to make of it. But, like I said, I guess this is just how we are on this team here, so I should get used to it, right?

But I'm kind of afraid it will happen again.

Noob Pyro #4: Recruit Training

Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure that at least two of my teammates actually hate me. It's not just that they're not doing the touchy-feely thing; I mean, I understand that maybe that's not for everyone - after all, I'm still getting used to it myself. I mean, I actually think they don't like me. I don't know why! I haven't done anything to them!

Engineer, for one. I noticed he doesn't really participate in a lot of our team activities - he hasn't come up to movie night with us, or to watch Three's Company, or anything. I know engineers usually need extra pyroing, so tonight when Medic made banana pudding I brought a dish down to his workroom.

"Go away, boy, I'm busy," he said.

I told him I understood but I thought maybe he'd like some of the banana pudding and maybe some company, you know?

"I've gotten along without a pyro this long, ain't I?"

Well, what do you say to that? All I could do was slink away. I felt really bad about it, even though I did leave him the banana pudding - I haven't been back down to see if he ate it and take the dish up, because I don't want him to think I'm bothering him and get mad at me worse. Medic says Engineer's just touchy (well, he used a different word, but I'm not going to repeat it here) and I shouldn't take it personally, but I can't help it. I mean, I'm a Pyro. I'm supposed to be, you know, pyroing. And I can't even Pyro properly, so not being able to pyro right either - that just makes it worse.

I think not being able to Pyro well is why Soldier doesn't like me, either. He's really - sort of gung-ho, you know? He takes it seriously. He wants everybody to do their best, and he has pretty high standards for himself and everybody else. I know I don't live up to them. So it's no wonder that he doesn't like me. He always seems really angry whenever he talks to me or anything, so I try to stay out of his way so I don't annoy him, too.

Gosh, I hope I get better at this someday, and soon. I don't like disappointing everybody.

Thursday.
Now I KNOW Soldier hates me. I don't even think I have words to describe the way he looked at me today. It was just an awful day all around - first of all, I let Medic get backstabbed again. I do that way too often. I'm a terrible defense Pyro. But I'm even worse at offense! While Medic was in respawn I decided to give offense a try - after all, that's what we're SUPPOSED to be for, you know? - and I ended up getting lost and turned around and walking in circles in the RED base again, just like the last seventeen times I've gone over there without anybody to guide me. This time it was Soldier who found me, and I was so relieved to see a "friendly" face that I didn't even think to spy-check him. He called me a worthless maggot. And even though you can only see the bottom half of his face, I could TELL he was giving me the world's dirtiest look. I wanted to fall through the floor and die right then and there. I'm never going to be good enough to belong here.

Saturday.
This afternoon Soldier came up and started shouting at me.

"DO YOU HAVE AN AIR BURST ON YOUR WEAPON, SIR?"

Nobody's ever called me "sir" before, except the tech support lady when I called to get my cell phone set up before I came out here. I nodded my answer to his question - I didn't take the advanced classes to learn backburner tech - and mumbled something about the "sir" really not being necessary, Mr. Soldier, thanks.

"YOU NEED MORE PRACTICE WITH IT! I HAVE NEVER OBSERVED IT IN ACTION! READY YOUR WEAPON AND MEET ME AT THE REAR!"

Well, he was right. I hardly ever use it. And, I mean, I'm not going to disobey a direct order, especially when it's shouted at me like that. If I didn't do it he might get REALLY angry, and I might DIE. I'm not saying I think he'd kill me - he might, I mean, but - it's just, you know. I'm a walking disappointment. I ought to do as much as I can to be less disappointing, right?

So I went up and got my flamethrower and made sure it was fueled up and went out to the backyard. Soldier was waiting for me. He'd drawn a line in the dirt and was standing behind it.

"ROCKET TENNIS, PRIVATE!"

I guess "Private" is better than "sir." I mean, it's awfully military, but - he's a Soldier, right? But I didn't know what was going on - I'd never heard of "rocket tennis" before - and I guess he picked up on my obvious cluelessness (I'm ALWAYS obviously clueless, because I'm AWFUL).

"I DEPLOY ROCKETS IN YOUR DIRECTION! YOU REFLECT THEM BACK TO ME!"

Well, we'd sort of trained at that back at school, only we were using a pitching machine. I figured I could do it. I reflected the first few off to the sides of him on purpose, because I didn't want to actually HIT him. What if I hurt him? He's my teammate! I can't go blowing him up! Somehow I never worried about MYSELF - none of them hit ME...

... okay, I'll confess, they didn't ALL go to the side ON PURPOSE. I'm not THAT good at it. But I really was trying not to hit him! They just... didn't always go exactly as far off to the exact side as I was aiming for.

Anyway, he didn't think much of my methods, I guess.

"COME ON, PRIVATE TWINKLETOES! DON'T GO EASY ON ME!"

There was at least half a ton of challenge in the way he said that, and I guess it sort of ticked me off a little, because I actually got mad at him for it - I was only trying to be NICE! - and the next one he fired at me, I bounced right back into his chest.

As soon as I'd hit my secondary trigger and saw where it was headed, I felt AWFUL, but to my surprise, instead of blowing him up, it just bounced off and hit the ground.

"DUMMY ROUNDS, PRIVATE!"

He grinned at me, a flash of white under the shadow of his helmet, and I couldn't help but grin back, even if he couldn't see me. I hadn't even thought of that! I should've, really; I mean, it's the only thing that makes sense in retrospect, but at the time, you know - ?

Anyway, we ended up playing rocket tennis for the whole evening, right up until the lights came on in the yard and we got called in for dinner. It was a lot of fun!

Monday.
I DID GOOD TODAY! I really really did!

I woke up this morning thinking "Today will be the day." Checked to see if I needed to shave and looked at myself in the mirror: "Self, I need to prove to Soldier that his rocket tennis really helped. I need to get out there and do the absolute best I can."

And it worked!

I actually caught a Spy before the Spy got Medic, and a little while later their Pyro started trying to flare-gun snipe me and I remembered my rocket practice and bounced it back and it actually hit him right in the face! And Soldier saw it and shouted "OUTSTANDING SHOT, PRIVATE!" And then I was so busy being proud of myself that I got blown up, but that was ok, because I managed to catch their Scout on fire basically as soon as I got out of respawn. I was on a roll! I did really really well! And Soldier was proud of me! This is my best day ever!!!

Tuesday.
I did ok today but not as good as yesterday. I need to remember to give myself a pep talk every morning, because I guess that helped. Still, I'm improving, that's something, right?

Only I think Soldier's disappointed in me again. He didn't say anything though.

Friday.
Well, the rest of the week didn't go as well as Monday did, but it was better than last week was. Still, I felt like maybe I disappointed Soldier by not keeping up my performance. A few times this week he popped his head into the showers while I was in there and shouted at me to keep practicing and do some push-ups - and every day it was more push-ups, too, it started at twenty and yesterday I ended up doing a full hundred - or trying to, anyway, I got tired at 76 and gave up because he wasn't watching anyway, only I felt bad so I did the other 24 after dinner.

Anyway, I was afraid he was disappointed in me, and I figured he'd be coming in to give me even more push-ups anyway, so I waited around in the showers without taking my gear off so I could talk to him. Or have him yell at me while I stood there trying to keep my back straight at attention for him, anyway, which is how I figured it would go.

And I was right, at first. There was a lot of hollering about things. I don't remember it word for word, but I think it went a lot like this:

"PRIVATE, YOU NEED TO MAINTAIN YOUR PERFORMANCE! IF YOU GIVE THE ENEMY AN INCH, THEY'LL TAKE YOUR BLOOD! ALL YOUR BLOOD! AND THAT IS BAD, BECAUSE YOU NEED YOUR BLOOD! WITHOUT YOUR BLOOD, WHAT ARE YOU? A VAMPIRE! AND THEN YOU'LL NEED TO DRINK MORE BLOOD TO GET IT BACK! AND IT IS HIGHLY PREFERABLE TO DRINK THINGS OTHER THAN BLOOD! BLOOD TASTES BAD! NOT AS BAD AS MRE LASAGNE, BUT BAD! DO YOU WANT TO HAVE BLOOD FOR DINNER, PRIVATE?"

At this point, I managed a "SIR NO SIR."

"NO! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?"

"BECAUSE YOU SAID IT TASTES BAD, SIR!"

"RIGHT! AND WHAT TASTES BETTER THAN BLOOD?"

"ICE CREAM, SIR?"

"NO! WAFFLES!"

"W-waffles, sir?"

"WAFFLES! HAVE YOU EVER HAD A WAFFLE, PRIVATE?"

"Sir yes sir?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"GOOD! NOW, HAVE YOU SHOWERED, PRIVATE?"

"NOT YET, SIR!"

"WHY NOT? CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS, AND GODLINESS IS NEXT TO WAFFLES! NOW TAKE OFF THAT UNIFORM AND GET IN THE SHOWER, PRIVATE!'

"SIR YES SIR!"

Which is how I ended up in the shower with Soldier standing there at strict attention eyeing me from under his helmet. Oddly, I didn't feel half as uncomfortable as I had when Scout was doing basically the same thing. I mean, it was kind of embarrassing, but at the same time, it was Soldier, and I figured he was - well, I won't say SAFE, because this is Soldier we're talking about, after all, but - I didn't mind it that much, for whatever reason.

Although I wasn't sure whether I still didn't mind it when, after I turned the water off, I turned around to discover that he was now about six inches from me.

"DROP!"

"Dr-- " I cut myself off and put on the shouty voice he liked. "AND GIVE YOU TWO HUNDRED, SIR?"

Luckily he caught that I was joking, and gave me the grin. "NOT YET, PRIVATE!"

I dropped.

So then I was lying on the floor with my hands in push-up position by my shoulders and the water drying on my back, which was pretty chilly, especially with the tiles underneath me, and even craning my neck I couldn't see any further than Soldier's knees because of the placement of my mask's lenses, and that was when I got my first inkling of what was in store for me. I mean, I knew we were a touchy-feely group, and Soldier'd never tried anything, but I guess it was inevitable that he would eventually, and - another oddly enough - I didn't mind. I was kind of looking forward to it. I mean, he does everything with so much CONFIDENCE and so much FORCE, which in retrospect should've been kind of intimidating because I still feel kind of sore - but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The thing that surprises me most in retrospect is that he actually brought lube.

Then again, I guess Sun Tzu would have said that a soldier has to be prepared for everything.

I don't - I mean, sure, this is just my diary, and maybe later I'll want to read it back over or something, because, you know, I don't know, we don't have good internet access and it's not like I have a subscription to porno or anything and I'm not exactly going to go ask Sniper or whoever if he has any I can borrow, and I'm rambling, anyway, I don't really like going into details, and why am I rambling like this at myself? Oh well, this is in pen, I can't erase it, we'll let the paragraph stand.

I've never had anything up that particular passage. I've always kind of thought of that as an Exit Only type of thing. But it's not like I'm completely naive, I know some people are really into that, and I'm not, like, a bigot or anything, but - anyway, I wasn't sure whether it was going to feel good or hurt, and it kind of did both, if that makes any sense. Like when you eat a really hot chili or something and it tastes good but it burns? That's probably the worst analogy for anal sex anyone has ever written.

I'm going to skip the parts that are making me turn really red to try to write, ok? Future Me, you'll remember. I don't need to tell you that part.

Anyway, that's when it started getting weird.

He was kneeling behind me with his fingers up in there - there was some shouting of "SPREAD 'EM, PRIVATE" in between - and I was trying to decide if I wanted to move back against him or if that would get him shouting at me again, and I heard a zipper and decided to hold still for a minute.

He was not as big as Heavy. Thank God for small favors.

You don't have to have a lot of experience dealing with other people's cocks to know when one of them is pressed up against your ass. And that is when he started shouting again.

"I DON'T KNOW BUT I BEEN TOLD - "

And /thrust/.

"ARMY COTS CAN GET REAL COLD!"

"Holy fuck, Soldier!"

"THAT'S NOT PART OF THE CADENCE, PRIVATE! REPEAT! I DON'T KNOW BUT I BEEN TOLD!"

I tried to shout with gritted teeth, which didn't work very well, so I had to ungrit them. "ARMY COTS CAN GET REAL COLD!"

"SOUND OFF!"

I didn't know what the proper response was. He was keeping time with his shouting, pushing into me and pulling out, and he stopped all the way in, filling me up. "THIS IS WHERE YOU SAY ONE TWO, PRIVATE!"

"ONE TWO!" That got him moving again, and this time he hit this spot that made me open my eyes really wide. No wonder people like this!

"SOUND OFF!"

I guessed at the right answer, to keep him going, make him try to hit that spot again. "THREE FOUR!"

"SOUND OFF!"

"FIVE SIX?" He stopped again. Goddammit!

"ONE TWO AGAIN, PRIVATE!"

"SIR YES SIR! ONE TWO! KEEP GOING!"

"SOUND OFF!"

"THREE FOUR!"

"I DON"T KNOW BUT I BEEN TOLD - "

"ARMY COTS CAN GET REAL COLD!"

"SOUND OFF!"

"ONE TWO!"

"SOUND OFF!"

"THREE FOUR!"

"SOUND OFF!"

"ONE TWO!"

And so we continued, at a steady, forceful pace, and he hit that spot on every other stroke, right in military time, and my eyes were rolling back in my head, shouting out replies to his cadence in order without actually listening to what he was shouting at me, because my attention was sort of off at that point, and I was wishing he'd speed up or something, because this pace was good but I felt like it could be better, and I was just hoping that he wasn't changing the cadence as he went along because for God's sake I didn't want him to stop again, he'd better just be repeating by rote, because that's all I was doing, and I was being ground against the tiles on every single stroke, and while I wouldn't normally consider humping the floor in the shower to be my idea of a good time, with Soldier pounding into me and everything it was really getting out of hand, and suddenly he was shouting something different, and I barely heard him at all, but I caught it just in time:

"BRING IT DOWN!"

"OH GOD SIR I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS!"

And he pumped into me twice as hard and hit that spot again and I felt like I was going to die right there on the floor of the shower and get caught naked in respawn more embarrassed than I'd ever been in my life, and he just repeated himself, "BRING IT DOWN!"

And somewhere in the back of my mind I vaguely remembered something and I shouted back "SOUND OFF ONE TWO... THREE FO--unnh JESUS - "

"THAT'S NOT A NUMBER, PRIVATE!" he shouted over me, but I was REALLY not paying attention anymore, no matter how much that would make him shout, because I was somewhere behind my eyelids that was full of fireworks, and he was still going up there, shouting "ONE TWO - THREEFOUR!" And on the last syllable another of those really hard thrusts and heat filling me up and it was the strangest feeling in the world but I loved it and I loved Soldier and I loved everything and it was SO. FUCKING. GOOD.

And then eventually I realized that I was lying in a puddle of bodily fluid on the floor of the shower and Soldier was already standing up and pulling his pants back on, and I wasn't even embarrassed about it.

I mean, I was already in the shower, you know? Talk about easy cleanup.

So I stood up and tried to pull myself to attention and gave him a salute because it felt like that would be something he'd appreciate, and he gave me that grin again and returned the salute. "HOO-AH! YOU ARE THE BEST TROOP I HAVE HAD TO TRAIN IN MY ENTIRE CAREER, PRIVATE!"

And then he marched out, and I took a second shower and tried to make myself stop grinning.

And then I went up to my room and sat very carefully on the bed to write this out.

I think maybe I like him.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I do.

Oh geez, I hope my girlfriend doesn't find out.

SURPRISE SEX (spyro/noob pyro)

A streak of blue flew across the yard, with a streak of red right behind it. The streak of red was shouting:

"WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU! WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU!"

The streak of blue scrambled up a hill, panting. "You've been chasing me for nine days! Stop trying to fuck me!"

The streak of red followed. "WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU!"

"Stop! This is a bad thing! I don't want it!"

"Aw, come on, Pyro, you've let everybody else do it - "

"You're not even on my TEAM," wailed the BLU, still climbing the hill.

Spyro - you totally knew it was him - snatched at Noob's ankle and missed. "I could PRETEND!"

"No! Do not want! Why do you have to be such a jerk?"

"Hey, jerking, there you go - WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'M GONNA JERK YOU OFF, is that better?"

"Nooooo!"

"Oh, you WANT it up the ass?"

"Nooooo!"

"I mean, if you wanna top, that's ok, it's just kinda weird - " Spyro made another failed attempt to grab at Noob - " - kinda weird for me to be chasing you and then YOU fuck ME, y'know?"

"I don't WANT to fuck you!"

"Blowjob?"

"Nooooo!"

Spyro grabbed again, and this time got hold of Noob's ankle, yanking him flat and pulling him back down the hill while Noob flailed wildly and tried to dig his fingers into the dirt. "I CAUGHT YOU! YOU GON GIT RAPED!"

"Stop! No! DO NOT WANT!" Noob wailed and tried to kick free.

"You say that to all the boys. Literally all of them, I've heard stories - "

Noob's fingers scrabbled frantically among loose rocks as Spyro dragged him away. "I know I basically live in a reluctance/consent fic but I really MEAN it this time!"

"You liiiiiiiiiiike it," Spyro sing-songed, still tugging.

"NO! BAD TOUCH! I NEED AN ADULT!"

"Hey, shut up, mang, that's my line!"

Noob weeped quietly, still wriggling and trying to claw at the ground, as Spyro pulled him across the yard and into the RED base. "Why does this always happen to me?" he sniffed, clinging to the threshold of the door.

Spyro leaned over and pried Noob's fingers up one by one. "Because you are delicious shota and we must has it."

"I don't want to be delicious shota!"

"You wanted to be a lumberjack?"

"...What do lumberjacks have to do with anything?"

"They rape people too!"

Noob just wailed again, as Spyro dragged him into a supply closet and locked the door behind them.

"There, now take off your pants for your rape party," Spyro said.

Noob began to obey automatically.

"Holy shit, you actually did it." Spyro just looked at the BLU pyro for a moment before jumping on top of him. Noob immediately realized how dumb he was and started trying to push Spyro back off; but the damage was already done.

"YOUR RESISTANCE ONLY MAKES MY PENIS HARDER!"

"I hate my life!"

"DON'T WORRY, I WILL COMFORTFUCK YOU AFTERWARD!"

"I don't think it even WORKS that way!"

"Don't think of it as rape, think of it as the sex you never knew you wanted!"

"I STILL don't want it!" Noob's chemsuit was being stripped off of him like a banana peel despite his best efforts, pulling the zipper back up every time Spyro pulled it down.

"You will once I get started!"

"Do not want! This is rape!"

"YOU CAN'T RAPE THE WILLING!"

"I KEEP TELLING YOU I'M NOT WILLING!"

"And I don't believe you! You never mean it when you say that!"

"How would you even know I don't even know you you jackass - "

"Lessee, how about Demo?"

"That was an accident!"

"O rly? What about Scout, then?"

"HAVE YOU SEEN HIS TEETH THINK ABOUT WHERE HE PUT THEM I COULDN'T SAY NO"

"Medic AND Heavy AT THE SAME TIME, you kinky little boy?"

"THEY STARTED THAT and it would have been impolite to say n - HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS STUFF?"

"FYI I am a Spy - "

"Oh my god you're terrible!"

"NOT IN BED!"

"I hate you!"

"Are you ready?"

"Am I wh-- "

"SURPRISE! BUTTSECKS!"

"AUGH"

--
Later:
"What you did to Pyro was RAPE, boy."
"HONK HONK!"
And then Medgineer was confused.

Noob Pyro # i forget what number I'm on: DEAR JOHN

Today after work I decided it was finally time I told my girlfriend.

It was probably way past time I told her, actually, but... Well, we were high school sweethearts. We went to both our proms together, and she was my first kiss, and my first... other things, and I guess I'd been putting it off just because I didn't want to hurt her. After all, when we both went off to school, we promised we'd wait for each other. I didn't really look forward to telling her what a terrible person I am for not keeping that promise. But every day I put it off just made it worst, so I really owed it to her to man up and get it over with.

Dear Jane...

Her name's not actually Jane, of course, but they usually call these things "Dear John" letters, and she's a girl, so "Dear Jane" fits. How exactly do you go about telling somebody this? Dear Jane, I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but I think I'm a gay slut. I hope you're having fun at college. Bye.

I went through at least a quarter of my good letterpad starting and stopping and filling the trash can with crumpled paper before I gave up.

I knew I had to get it done soon. Today's mail day. A supply truck comes out to the base (other bases have trains, but ours is off the rail line so it gets a truck) every week, but they alternate between deliveries - RED one week, BLU the next - so teams that are at the high point on the Parker-Weissmann curve don't end up getting into fights over the mailbags or something. It never comes out until well after dinner, so I still had a couple of hours, but if I missed that truck I'd have to wait another two weeks, and I'd feel like more of a scrub every single one of those fourteen days. But staring at blank paper wasn't helping me find the words, so I took a walk to clear my mind.

I've been getting lots better at finding my way around the base, but I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, and I ended up on the top floor, where Sniper keeps his nest. I decided I might as well have some company, so I knocked and asked if I could join him.

Luckily he was alone and not doing anything but flipping through back issues of SU, so he let me in and we chatted for a while. He can be surprisingly talkative, really - I'd never interacted with him much, since we don't exactly work near each other and he doesn't like to hang out in the common areas with the rest of us. He even understood me through the mask (I guess he's friends with the other team's Pyro or something). It made me feel a lot better to just be talking to someone - having a real conversation, you know?

But it was getting late, and I had to get back to that letter, so I eventually got ready to excuse myself, when he did the inevitable.

"Say, mate, you don't got to go if you don't want to - "

He was definitely coming on to me. I've gotten some experience in picking up on that lately, you know?

But I really wasn't interested. He was nice to talk to, if only because nobody else ever did talk to me, but honestly? The man looks like a hobo with a gun. He also smells like a hobo with a gun. And even setting aside issues of personal attraction, I knew he was involved with Scout. That might not have stopped Scout from putting some very overt moves on me, and sure, Heavy and Medic were together, but they'd been together with me, and I'll admit that it might be kind of hypocritical of me to get all cold-feet over the idea of cheating when that was basically what I'd been doing with everyone else on the team one way or another the entire time I'd been there and I was still putting off the issue of writing to my girlfriend to confess it, but really I think that's what gave me the nerve. I couldn't put off writing to my girlfriend about cheating on her by cheating on her more. So I took a deep breath and tried to think about what Soldier would do in this situation.

I stood up and straightened to attention and said, very firmly, "I'm flattered, sir, but I'm not interested."

And Sniper just raised his eyebrows a little. "'s alright, mate. No worries."

That went over really well!

It was like an epiphany or something. I could say no, and nobody's feelings would get hurt!

I could say no!

I felt - empowered, really. I stood there with my back straight and Sniper ignoring me to go back to his magazines and this absolute feeling of Strength and stuff running through me, and - if I can say no, I can say yes, too!

I kind of forgot about writing that letter in my rush to get to Soldier's room.

"SIR!" I didn't even knock, just opened the door and closed it behind myself and saluted.

"Private?" He looked up at me from his bed, where he was sitting and oiling his gun.

"I want - are you busy? I can come back later - "

He just looked at me. "Private, if you have a message to deliver, deliver it PROMPTLY!"

"Sir! Yes sir! I want - " Ok, the idea of saying yes was pretty awesome, but in practice, it was making me blush so hard I wouldn't be surprised if the outside of my mask was turning red. "Iwanttohavesexwithyounowsir."

He made me repeat it twice before I managed to shout it clearly enough for him to understand, and then he just grinned, a long slow smile that got me weak at the knees.

"Then drop and give me twenty, Private."

I remembered about the letter later, and almost kicked myself - but the truck had already been and gone, and I had mail waiting for me.

A letter from my girlfriend.

She was writing to tell me she'd left me for the mailman.

Well, that's one problem solved, I guess.

"Like when you eat a really hot chili or something and it tastes good but it burns? That's probably the worst analogy for anal sex anyone has ever written."

AAAAhahahaha! Yes, yes that is the worst ever metaphor for anal sex, especially since chili can cause days of celibacy for the anally-inclined.

Pffff- This is so amusing.
I request moar!

Note to self: Jesus is not a number.

...MOAR.

"GODLINESS IS NEXT TO WAFFLES". You are officially my new hero.

i love noob pyro and his gay slut adventures so much

omg I lol'd so hard ^.^