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No. 6328
Yeah, this could use some work. ACCURACY, DAHLIN, ACCURACY. A Texan would sat darlin, not dahlin. That's something we Mainahs say. And the details here weren't enough to fill a thimble! I used to struggle with details as well, but this is all skin and bones. You skip from action to action without connection, you summarize places you could have immersed an audience with in a few sentences, and you have a number of, frankly, dumb grammar mistakes sprinkled throughout. Another thing is that you've seemed to missed a number of subtleties. I can't suspend my belief long enough to buy that Sniper would let Engineer have sex with him right after his lover died on the basis of a few wanton looks. And the sex...where's the motivation? Where's the buildup, the tension, the emotion? You've got what could be an incredibly powerful premise, and done disappointingly little. Try building on this, don't be afraid of enumerating conflicting desires and emotions, and get a beta to review your work before it's posted. I'll do it, if you want. But yeah, this needs quite a bit of work.
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