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No. 2478
It was night time at the BLU base, everyone had just finshed cleaning out the mess hall and we're heading to bed, everyone but me and medic that is. Evah since that day I've had horrible nightmares man, I've been talkin to Medic at night about it, he's become my shrink.
I'd had a couple beers before walking over to Med's room, I like to be warmed up before having sessions with him, helps me be more open with him. The base is surprisingly cold tonight, was shiverin all the way to Med's room. The walk felt a lot longer then normal,
I was cold and alone, I felt vulnerable. I took Sandman off my back and started lightly swinging it, I wanted to keep my mind off the feeling of being alone, the last thing this base needs is me shootin it up because I got startled. I could see Med's door at the end of the hall.
To my surprise it was open and the light was on. I peeked my head inside to see if Med was there, maybe he had gone to take a piss or something. Med's room was very clean, it looked alot like what one might picture Sherlock Holmes study would be. His weapons we're all hung up on the wall and there was a fire going in the fireplace.

BLUS: "Lucky bastard, wish I had a fire place". He rearranged his furniture for our session. His chair was facing his couch, he had a pad of paper and a pipe set up on the table next to the chair. Everything felt warm, like I could feel safe there, the only problem was Med was no where to be seen.

BLUS: "Yo Doc, you here? YO DOC!...come on man, its creepy out here"

BLUM: "Zen maybe you should head inzide" I jumped, Med was standing right behind me, I dropped Sandman in shock and slowly turned around. Med was cleaning his specs in his coat, he had a small grin on his face.

BLUM: "You look like you've seen a ghost, come inside I'll get you something to drink to calm your nerves"

BLUS: "Thanks Doc, I could use it". He put his arm around me and walked me into his room.

BLUM: "Sit, I'll be right back, do you prefer tea or coffee?" I wasn't listening, I was still in shock from Med sneaking up on me.

BLUM: "Yes, it is quite the lovely room isn't it"

BLUS: "Uh? Oh yeah sorry, still a bit shook up Doc, scared the crap out of me back there, coffee will be fine thanks" I took a seat on the couch, the heat from the roaring fire place started to warm my body. It was exactly what I needed after being in that hallway. Med came into the room with a tray with two cups and a teapot on it.

BLUM: "Here you go"

BLUS: "Thanks Doc" Med poured himself a cup of tea. He took a sip and set the cup on the table.

BLUM: "Now then, what seems to be troubling you"

BLUS: "Well Doc, ever since what happened the other day, I haven't been able to sleep at night, I've been more on edge then ever, in fact if I hadn't dropped my bat I probably would have decked you back there."

BLUM: "I see, have you talked to anybody else about this"

BLUS: "No way Doc, they wouldn't help me out even if I told them"

BLUM: "Well they aren't trained too like I am. Now I don't want to pressure you but your going to have to tell me what happened, it will help you get your troubles off your chest and it will help me help you"

BLUS: "I figured I was gonna have to talk about it, alrigh Doc, get ready cause this is a long story"

The day started like every other day, and it was just as hot too. I swear if it was 10 degrees cooler I'd be 100 times more efficient. The gates were getting ready to open to allow us to go on our first assault. Me Soldier and Pyro were all ready to charge the RED base. The gates opened and I took off, I faintly heard Sully say "Let's go maggots" behind me.
My plan was to sneak in and flank the RED base taking the intel as sweeped the base. I was so far from all the action, it was weird for me, I'm use to just running in and blowin the heads off some REDs. I decided to take my time, it was hot, hotter the usual, the sun was beating down on me. I've probably never noticed the heat before because I was so focused on fighting.
I was almost to the RED bases back door, I stopped behind a rock to check my ammo, the coolness from the shadow of the rock felt wonderful after being out in the sun. I took a bit longer to check my ammo, I wanted to cool off, I NEEDED to cool off, there was no way I'd be able to run back without this break. I finally decided to make my assault on the RED base.
I left the rock and made my move on the door, I ran through the doorway and was hit with the cool breeze of the REDS air conditioning.

BLUS: "Fuck this feels wonder---"

BLUS: "Wha, what, where am I?" My head was spinning, last thing I remembered was running into the base. I was in a small room, my legs were shackled and bolted to the ground, my arms were tided behind my back. On the other side of the room was a table with all my gear, there was no way for me to reach any of it.

BLUS: "Fuck, Fuck, what happened, how the hell did I get here, Fuck Fuck"

The door on the other end of the room opened, standing in the doorway was RED scout.

REDS: "Well well well, what do we have here, try'n to sneak up on us aye asshole"

BLUS: "Fuck you"

REDS: "Yeah yeah yeah, your all talk, one baseball to the head knocked you out real quick"

so that's what happened, no wonder my head was splitting

REDS: "Now look buddy I'm here to make peace, look I brought ya a ice pack for your head" RED Scout walked over to me and took a seat right next to me, he put the ice pack to my head. I cringed from the cool stinging of the pack.

REDS: "There ya go"

BLUS: "What the fuck do you want, why are you keeping me here"

REDS: "Not up to me, up to the boss man, I'm just on guard duty"

BLUS: "Great," I sighed, there was no chance of being let go anytime soon.

BLUS: "Man it's hot in here, I thought this place had air conditioning"

REDS: "Not the holdin cells, just the rest of the base, hold on" RED Scout grabbed some tape out of his bag and tapped the ice back to my head.

REDS: "There, no way in hell I'm holding that all day." Red Scout got up and walked over to the table, he set his gear down and the took his shirt off. He turned around, his bare chest glistened from the small amount of sun light coming in through the window above me.
He was very muscular, his body was slim tone and in shape. I was slightly turned on, I haven't seen a girl in years so it was only natural to think about guys in a sexual nature, and he was sexier then anyone else I lived with.

REDS: "So, like what you see, or does being chained up get you off?" I looked down at my pants, I was bulging and I didn't even realize it. I looked up, RED Scout walked back over to me and squatted in front of me. He put his hand on my bulging and wrapped his hand around it.

REDS: "Wow your big" He started to slowly jerk me off through my pants, he took his other hand and ran it across my face, his skin was silky smooth

BLUS: "Ahhh, no, stop"

REDS: "Your lips say stop but your cock says keep going, guess I'm gonna have to shut your lips up then" And like that he kissed me, his tongue entered my mouth and wrapped around mine. His hand stopped jerking me so he could unzip me. He pulled my cock out and went back to stroking me all the while still kissing. It felt so good but I still tried to resist, I pulled my head away from his, our mouths unlocked and a string of saliva ran from my mouth to his.

REDS: "What's wrong"

BLUS: "I can't do this, you have to stop"

REDS: "Well" he took his hand off my cock and stood up. "If your gonna play hard to get then I'm gonna have to be forceful." His hands went to his pants and he slowly unzipped them, he dropped his pants and underware at the same time to reveal his long slender penis. He put one hand to his chest and stared stroking himself with the other.

REDS: "Open wide". He grabbed my head and shoved his dick into my mouth. He started to thrust and I bit down to try and get him to stop

REDS: "OW, you little fuck" He pulled out and smacked me across the face.

REDS: "No more of that or I'll really give you a beating. He stuck it back in my mouth and proceeded with what he was doing. I was helpless, there was nothing I could do to make it stop.

REDS: "Ahh, Ahh, AHHHHHHHHHH" He thrusted as hard as he could and pulled my head toward his body, my mouth was filling with his heat. He pulled out, my mouth was filled with cum and a string left my mouth with his cock. He stood there panting, he rubbed my head like I was some obedient pet then squatted down.

REDS: "There that wasn't so bad" He kissed me again, his cum still in my mouth now swashed between us. He stood up and walked over to the table, I swallowed what remained in my mouth.

BLUS: "So now what, your gonna kill me? I was just here to get you off?"

REDS: "Of course not" He chuckled "I'm just getting ready for round 2" He turned around and in his hands was the key to my shackles. He walked back over and unchained me from the ground, not undoing the shackles around my legs, he picked me up and pinned me against the wall and proceeded to kiss me again. His face backed away from mine as he grabbed my shirt and lifted it up over my head. He started to tweek my nipples as he was kissing my all over my neck, slowly moving down my body.
He got to his knees and grabbed my pants, pulling them down without hesitation. He looked at my cock and then up at me as he proceeded to lick it. I was so hard already I didn't think it was possible for him to get me harder but he seemed to find a way. He put his mouth around my shaft and I felt his tongue wrap around me.

BLUS: "Ahh, no don't, I'll explode." he didn't care, he kept on blowin me. I was about to orgasm when he stopped and stood back up. I was panting against the wall and he started kissing my neck again.

REDS: "Feel that" He was rubbing his dick against mine

REDS: "Means I'm ready for round 2" He walked me over to the middle of the room and stood behind me. I knew what was to come next.

BLUS: "NO WAIT DON'T, AHHH AHHhh" It was to late I felt him penetrate me, I dropped to my knees, it was exactly what he wanted me to do. He started thrusting as he layed on top of me biting at my ear. It felt so good, but sadly I couldn't enjoy it, I wanted it to stop, I wanted to just got back to base and forget about what happened today. He kept thrusting each time being a little harder then the last. I almost completely submitted to him. I felt like there was nothing I could do, then he did something I didn't expect.
He untied my hands stood me up and mounted me against the wall. Still shackled I knew I wouldn't be able to make a run for the table, so I had to improvise instead.I Stopped him and turned around, I threw my arms around him and started to make out with him, backing him up to the wall by the table. I pinned him to the wall as we made out but then we threw me against the wall and lifted my legs ups and wrapped them around him as he continued to fuck me.
He continued to kiss me while thrusting and I saw my Bat on the table. His eye's were closed so I reached down and grabbed the bat. I whacked him over the head, and he pulled out and almost dropped me, he backed up grabbing at his head looking at me.

REDS: "What the Fuck?"

BLUS: "Get into the corner"

REDS: "Fuck You" I cracked him again and he walked back to the corner, he stood there, naked his body covered in sweat, his cock was dripping with cum. I took the pistol from the table and pointed it at him.

BLUS: "Stay there" I grabbed the keys and unshackled myself, taking the shackles over to him, I tied him up just like I was. I went back to the table and got dressed. I picked up my gear and turned and looked at him, still naked sitting on the floor, he was crying, scared of what would happen to him, I walked back over and squatted in front of him

BLUS: "Hey, it was fun" I kissed him on the lips got up and left. As I left the cell I was still in a daze from what had happened, I thought about just going back to base and calling it a day, but I figured nothing could be worse then what just happened, I proceeded through the RED base, walking slowly, my handed was on the wall guiding my body, I was in no condition to continue doing what I was doing but I kept going further and further into the base.
I wasn't paying attention to the signs on the wall and I had lost all sense of where I was, I turned and walked into a room, it was the shower room. I didn't leave, I stared at the stalls debating using one to refresh myself. I walked over to the stall labeled Scout and set my stuff down next to it I threw my shirt into my bag so no one would know. I walked into the stall and closed the curtain, turning on the water I was blasted with a burst of icy water

BLUS: "Sooooo Cooooold" The water quickly got hot and I could feel my muscles relaxing. The water felt good against my body. I became to relaxed, I didn't want to leave, and by the time I realized I had stayed to long it was to late to get out. I heard him come walking down the locker room,

REDH: "Hehheh they think they get past Sacha, no body get past Sacha" It was RED Heavy, and I knew if he caught be I'd be a dead man. TO BE CONTINUED
Marked for deletion (old)
>> No. 2479
Skimmed this quickly and it was painful. Why do you slip from prose to script format? It's really jarring. There are so many basic errors too - misplaced apostrophes, commas and even capital letters. None of the dialogue has a full stop at the end. 'We're instead of 'were' and 'your' is used instead of 'You're'. Basically, it's not written well at all.

The content...urgh. Personally, it didn't grab my attention. The characters had no motive in what they were doing and it didn't feel in keeping with their personalities. I imagine Scout would be more pissed off at being molested and a lot more resistant. Dry anal sex would hurt like a bitch if what I've been lead to believe is true but here Scout doesn't even flinch.

So, I personally don't think this is too good. The writing structure is poor. The content isn't involving. You'd need to get this looked over by someone with a red pen. If you want, email me and I'll go over it more throughly.
>> No. 2480
Sadly I don't have word, only notepad and wordpad, and when I started it I had some I idea of what I was doing but then I took a break and when I came back all inspiration was lost and I just rushed it. If anything I'm just gonna be rewriting this chunk over and over before I even do a part two
>> No. 2481
What the fuck does having Microsoft Word have to do with being completely inconsistent and not knowing what the fuck a goddamn apostrophe is?

PROTIP: If you write something so bad that you know you're giong to have to be rewriting it, DON'T POST IT UNTIL YOU'VE REWRITTEN IT.
>> No. 2484
Okay first of all I posted this so I could get some feed back to know what needs to be improved on. Secondly since I don't have spell check I don't know where I messed up. I'm not a fucking writing major so back off.
>> No. 2485
Spellcheck isn't going to catch your inability to use an apostrophe correctly anyway, so I suggest you learn how to use your brain and follow one of the least complicated rules of English grammar and usage. There's my "feedback on what needs to be improved" for you.

There's a thread in /help/ where you can get in touch with people who are willing to beta things, so you don't have to post it as a finished product and then get told "this is shit" and then come back with "well it wasn't a finished product so don't be mean to me." How about you use that too?
>> No. 2486
No offense, but you don't have to be 'a fucking writing major' for some of this. Basic punctuation is covered the moment you start learning English. Children know how to use capitial letters and commas.

Also, get a beta. Just ask anyone to read it over for you. Yes, you're doing that by putting it here. But it's like publishing a book that hasn't been checked over.

Fuck, even you could read over your own work and think: "Hang on a tick. This doesn't look right."
>> No. 2487
>>2

Dry anal sex would hurt like a bitch if what I've been lead to believe is true but here Scout doesn't even flinch.
Oh, trust me, it DOES. Happened to me by accident once and it was one of the most painful sensations I've ever felt. I cried for a good five minutes and then I couldn't walk right for a while afterwards. And it wasn't even proper fucking. It just poked in there real quick.

And /that/, boys and girls, is why Cat Bountry hates adult fanfic that has buttsex with no lube.

... I don't have anything else new to contribute beyond that.
>> No. 2488
>>8

This is my favorite post anywhere
>> No. 2489
For starters:

1. Go to openoffice.org
2. Download Open Office (it is free)
3. Copy + Paste 'story' into Open Office
4. Take note of the numerous red squiggly lines and correct accordingly.

Also:
And /that/, boys and girls, is why Cat Bountry hates adult fanfic that has buttsex with no lube
I want that on a T-shirt.
>> No. 2490
Ohhhh poor Cat! My bung is clenched in sympathy! I've had boatloads of buttsex, and never even TRIED it dry.
>> No. 2491
>>10
In re: buttsex t-shirts, name a font. I've just taught myself to silkscreen and am looking for offensive things to put on shirts.
>> No. 2492
>>10
Hell.

Open Google. Go to Google Documents. Get punched in the dick because you can't fucking spell. You don't even need to download a single goddamn thing.

I write everything in either the dox or the notepad. Or in a chat window and then I spellcheck it.

There's no excuse.
>> No. 2493
>>8
Personally, I like to do it dry. But then again, I like it rough...

As for this fic, I have to agree completely with
>>2.
It's not that it's bad, no. It has promise. But, there are too many errors to read this smoothly, and the switch from prose to script really does confuse me. Get this beta'd from someone who writes here fairly often, and try again.
>> No. 2497
>>12

Something that looks like it was handwritten by a serial killer
>> No. 2596
>>12
>> No. 2607
>>8

Funny thing is I've had the bf "accidentally" do that too, but thought the pain added to it.

I must be more of a masochist than I thought.
>> No. 3609
Huh I didn't think it was /that/ bad. Not great but not horrible.


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