[Author's note: this is for Hupsoonheng, who requested funny/srs Scout/Pyro in return for her dramatical rendition of my Little Thing. Do I owe anyone else stories that I've forgotten about? Remind me. Would you LIKE for me to owe you a story? I'm always up for art trades on account of I can't fuckin' draw.]
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"Hey, Mumbles," BLU Scout approached the Pyro with a cocky, predatory grin. Of course, he always looked like that, but there was a special edge to it today. He seemed to be trying to hide a five-pound can of lard casually behind his back.

The Pyro sighed behind his mask. He didn't really like lard. He knew it could damage the rubber of his suit and mask. He'd been grateful when the Medic had petitioned to banish it from the kitchen, and therefore from Scout's bag of tricks. However, the Engineer had set his jaw in no uncertain way, the Soldier had ranted about plots to taint their precious bodily lipids with commie canola oil, and the Heavy had looked near tears. This last was probably why there was still lard on the menu. As for why Scout had taken enough to make a month's worth of delicious fried foods...

"C'mon, chucklenuts. Come ta my room. I got somethin' ta show ya." The Scout seized the Pyro's arm. The firestarter shrugged and let himself be towed along. At least it wouldn't be his sheets getting all greasy this time.

Once in the privacy of his room, the Scout hit the Pyro like a handsy, humping stickybomb. "Oh fuckin' yeah, Mumbles, I'm gonna boink you so hard it'll be a grand slam. Bonk! Right over the fence. I'm the Second Coming of Joe DiMaggio and I'm gonna bang you like a god-damn lumpy, mumbling, rubber-coated Marilyn Monroe." He licked the Pyro's shoulder and shuddered. "Ohh yeah, that's the shit, you gorgeous freaky fuckin' swamp monster." He clambered all over the Pyro, stripping off his belts and harnesses, leaving the basics of gasmask, suit and boots. Finally, the Scout knocked the Pyro to the bed, apparently by happy accident,

"Ohh yeah, you freaky walking sack of semi-sentient potatoes. I'm gonna hit you so hard, you won't know WHAT hit you. But it'll be ME." He continued laving his tongue over Pyro's suit, making every inch slick with saliva. "Ohh..." he groaned.

"Mmm," the Pyro uttered encouragingly underneath him.

"Oh yeah, you fucking like that, don't you, you beautiful slippery blue bitch," the Scout humped Pyro's thigh. "Of course you like it, it's amazing. 'Cause I'm amazing. And you're not bad yourself, ya shambling monstrosity."

Pyro chuckled- that was high praise, coming from the Scout. He shifted his hips to give the baseball fanatic better access.

"Awwwwyeah, that's what I'm talkin' about," the Scout said, sliding down between the Pyro's thighs. "If you were a chick, I'd be like 'mlan mlan mlan mlan,'" he licked the Pyro's rubber-clad crotch, showing off his oral skills. "Then I'd be all 'nlh nmlh nlllh mlhh'... if that wasn't gettin' ya wet, I'd throw in a little 'BLBLBLBLBLBBBLB!'"

The Pyro laughed. Even through his suit, that tickled.

"Oh fuck yeah, you're such a weird rubbery little fuck. I love the way you fuckin' squeak when you walk, it makes my dick harder than a Louisville Slugger to listen to you squeakin' the fuck around the whole time." Deep in his verbal foreplay with himself, the Scout opened the jar of lard and scooped out a handful. "Just... hold the Hell still for this, Mumbles, it'll be fuckin' sweet."

The Pyro obligingly held still as the Scout undid his fly with his free hand, exposing a slender but enthusiastic boner, and continued to hold still as the Scout smeared the lard on his suit and rubbed his dick on it.

"Aw, fuck, Mumbles, you slutty little rubbery fuckslut-" the Scout babbled as he crawled all over the Pyro in his bed. He spread grease everywhere, sliding his erection over every curve and crease of the Pyro's suit. He stopped for a second: "Holy fuck, I'm getting shit all over my goddamn clothes!"

The Pyro watched, black glass eyes inscrutable, as the Scout stripped off his clothing. The Scout was wiry, almost hairless, and, appropriately enough, had a baseball tan that left his torso and ass milky-pale. He flexed his muscles and jerked his dick in the Pyro's direction.

"You like what you see, Mumbles? You wanna fuckin' piece of this? Well goddamned brace yourself, 'cause you're gettin' ALL of it." The Scout threw himself back on the bed, squashing the Pyro.

"Mmph," the Pyro chastened him, but he wasn't listening. The Scout was devoting all of his energy to writhing around on top of the masked man, smearing grease between them and licking the slick, bitter rubber of his gas mask.

"Ohh yeah oh yeah ohh... fuck..." the Scout rambled as he humped against the Pyro in every possible position. "You're so fuckin' sweet, I can't get enough of how slippery you are, every goddamn inch of you is so totally fuckable. My balls ache like they're gonna burst every time I see you, especially when you just came out of the water and you look so shiny and perfect. I can't believe you let me do this, I want it so fuckin' bad and it feels so fuckin' good..."

The Scout had flipped the Pyro over onto his stomach and was pressing his dick between his teammate's thighs, his arms wrapped tightly around the Pyro's waist. He was licking indiscriminately, pressing long, broad strokes of his tongue against the Pyro's shoulder, his armpit, the slick rubber at the back of his mask. The Pyro slid one hand up over his shoulder, offering his gloved fingers to the Scout's eager mouth.

Groaning, the Scout latched onto the Pyro's gloved fingers. His thrusts sped up as he suckled at the rubber digits probing his mouth. The Pyro moaned beneath him, sound reverberating inside his mask, as the Scout slammed their hips together.

"Fuck, Pyro, fuck, I'm... mmmmh-" The Scout sucked the Pyro's fingers deep into his mouth as he came. Several spurts of thick white fluid oozed between the Pyro's thighs as the Scout moaned incoherently and lay still.

"Mmmm..." the Pyro hummed happily as the Scout rolled off of him. "Mm?" He turned on his side to look at the Scout, who had suddenly drawn back.

"Shit, man, shit," the Scout looked at him, substantially freaked-out, his long arms wrapped around his bony knees.

"Mm?" the Pyro repeated, putting a hand on Scout's shoulder. The Scout jerked back.

"Just... what the fuck did I just do? Why do I always have to do that? It's like, I look at you and I can't control myself and then I snap out of it after I shoot and I've just... humped a guy." The Scout's thoughts were visibly spinning, emotions clouding his face. "If you even are a guy. How do I know what the fuck you are? If you're a woman, I should at least want to get you out of that suit, but... I don't." He looked at the Pyro with mounting horror. "I want whatever rubber freaky thing you are... what does that even mean?"

"Mm-nn," the Pyro shrugged and grabbed Scout's hand. He (for the sake of argument) rubbed the muscle between the Scout's thumb and forefinger, pausing only momentarily to wipe the semen off his thighs and throw a blanket around his teammate's shoulders. The Scout swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing. Slowly, he relaxed into the Pyro's touch.

"Fuck this," the Scout sighed. "Who knows why the Hell I want whatever the fuck I want. At least I don't wanna do what the Medic does with the Heavy, and I guess they're happy enough. But, I mean," he turned to the Pyro, apparently just noticing him. "How come you play along? What's in it for you. At least I get my dick wet... greasy, something... but why do you play along?" He reversed the hand massage, rubbing the Pyro's hands through his glove. "Do you even know what I'm doing to you? I'd hate if I just raped you, or some bullshit, took advantage of your mental defective retardation."

"Hmph!" The Pyro pulled back in mock-affront, then quickly sagged back against the Scout to show no hard feelings.

"Really," the Scout said. "How do I know if you know what I'm doing enough to know that you liked it?"

"Mmm," the Pyro patted the boy's arm, then leaned over to scrabble under the bed. He came up holding a jar of some kind of powder.

"Powdered surgical lubricant," the Scout read off the label. "Sterile, latex-safe, mix one teaspoon with one pint of water." The Scout shook the largish jar, looking at several cups of the powder sifting around inside. "Shit, man, there's enough here to make fucking GALLONS of slippery stuff!"

"Mm hm!" The Pyro gave him a thumbs-up.