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No. 4592
BLU AT 2 IN THE MORNING
[Author's note: this story was inspired by my San Francisco trip, in which I saw sea lions sleeping in heaps off Pier 39, and way many dildos at Folsom http://teratomarty.livejournal.com/132799.html . My muse is a strange lady.]
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The RED Spy crept into the BLU base at two in the morning. Breaking the nightly truce could have serious repercussions, but he just NEEDED the (achievement) to unlock the Ambassador. This knife business was merde pour les oiseaux.
His plan was simple: the layout of the BLU base was similar enough to RED that he was sure he could find the sleeping quarters and backstab each member of the enemy team as they slept. He had told the RED Scout of his plan. At dawn, the youth would seize the BLU intelligence and be back in the RED intel room before the BLUs had even got over their respawn nausea. Two-for-one, and a decisive victory followed by a day off should assuage his teammates' upset over whatever trouble they got in for breaking the truce. The RED Spy had already chosen the picture of the BLU Scout's mother he wanted etched on the barrel of his new gun.
Slipping through the halls of the BLU base, the Spy indeed located the sleeping quarters without difficulty. The first door he came to said PYRO on a neat printed label. He pushed- the firestarter had left the door unlocked. Cloaking quickly, the Spy stepped inside.
It was unexciting- spare fireproof chemsuits, extra fuel tanks, a copy of Fahrenheit 451 on the desk- but two things were missing. The first was the Pyro, the second was his mattress. Spy surmised that the maniac had lit his own mattress on fire, and had to sleep elsewhere. That would make his plan a bit more difficult, but the Spy was sure that he could locate the firestarter's temporary bed. Maybe in the medical ward. First, though, he should make short work of the rest of the dormitory block.
However, the next room was without a mattress or occupant, either, as was the next one after that. None of the bedroom were inhabited, or inhabitable. The Spy experienced a growing sense of unease as he turned off his cloaking device. What were the BLUs playing at? Listening carefully, the Spy thought that he detected the sound of snoring, far down the hall.
Following the thunderous mutter, the RED located what appeared to be a storage room. The door was open a crack, and that was definitely the source of the snoring. He cloaked himself, and peeked inside.
Well, that solved the mystery of where all of the mattresses had gone. The floor of the storage room was wall-to-wall with every mattress in the BLU base. Around the periphery of the room were anal beads, leather straps, metal rings, a half-empty gallon pump bottle of Anal-Eez brand lubricant and several items that Spy, even with his sophisticated sexual experience, could not readily identify. The cosy, snoring puppy-pile at the centre of the room solved the mystery of where the BLU team themselves were.
The Engineer was more-or-less at the centre of the heap, his right arm around the Heavy's substantial waist, with the Demoman resting on his chest. The Medic had his back pressed against the Heavy's side, and was spooning the Scout, who was the source of the snore. On the other side of the Demoman, the Pyro was wearing footie pyjamas and being cuddled so tightly by the Soldier that he appeared to squash in the middle. Though his legs were tangled with the Soldier's, the Sniper's arm was outstretched over an empty hollow in the mattress.
It was just then that the RED Spy felt someone barge into him from behind. Before he could respond, an arm locked around his throat while his own arm was yanked up behind his back to the point of pain.
"Gentlemen, I was just en le pissoir, and it appears zat we have a problem," the BLU Spy announced, right behind him.
When he respawned in the RED base the next day, the Spy did NOT want to talk about what had happened.
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