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No. 2650
As other people mentioned before, a beta would help your work immensely.
Several of your sentences are awkwardly worded and others still are choppy and uninteresting. You have a lot of potential here and the descriptions, once past the strange wording, are nice. There's also a handful of typos or misused words I found (I think there was an along instead of alone up there somewhere).
While you do vary up the order of sentences a bit, there are still too many "He did..", "My ____", etc. sentences to keep me interested. The subject doesn't always have to go at the beginning of the sentence.
I'd also like to see a bit more speaking, but that might be because the other writing seems so dry that I'm just looking for some animation. Or maybe I'd like more breaks between everything that dialog can provide. If you choose not to include more spoken words, like other people mentioned - please try to break up your paragraphs a bit, they seem too long. Alternatively, if you combine some of the shorter sentences into longer ones, it should, believe it or not, shorten some of the paragraphs.
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