These are mostly oldpasta from before I even found the chan; they got put up on the anonib but we have a lot of newfags so here you can read them again.---#1: Matching the Resonant FrequenciesSo they were all sitting around the common room one night, everybody's fucking drunk, yeah? Same old, same old. Now, you know, they ain't got a lot to do, so they get to talking sometimes, and somebody for some reason got Engineer to explaining molecular science or some shit, and this is how it went down."Most of an atom ain't nothing, you know. Tiny, tiny nucleus in the center, and the electrons - even tinier - movin' around it in this big wide sphere. There's really not a whole lot of matter in matter.""Oh now that doesn't make any fucking sense," the Scout protested. "I mean, if shit ain't made of shit, then how come it's fucking solid?"The Engineer started to answer him, but the Spy cut him off. "Actually, mon lapin, it is not. It is just that usually, the leetle tiny bits of matter, zey run into each ozzer, no? But if you can match ze resonant frequencies, so zat ze leetle tiny bit of matter in one goes t'rough ze big empty space of ze ozzer, you can pass right t'rough, clean as a whistle, as zey say."That that wasn't really a legitimate use of "clean as a whistle" was less interesting than the sciencey bullshit he'd just spouted, and the Scout - well, he was pretty fucking drunk, and not that big on science anyway, right?"You're fucking bullshitting me, cockfag, there ain't no way that's true.""I swear, it is! It is so, is it not?" The Spy appealed to the others, who all nodded solemnly, because they could see what was coming."Yeah? Well, fuck, if that's true, what's keeping me from running through that fucking wall?""Nozzing! You just 'ave to 'it it at ze right frequency. If you are moving at ze proper speed - ""Fuck me, I can do that. Watch me, you assholes, I'm gonna fucking do it."The Scout stood up and retreated (only slightly stumblingly) to the far end of the barracks hall, then launched himself down it toward the common-room wall at the other end. He was pretty fucking fast, you know, and he was at a good goddamn clip when he hit it.He woulda made it, too - sheetrock cracked and crumbled around him - only he hit a stud.BONK.Flat on his back with a busted nose and stunned for a second before he sat up. "I ALMOST FUCKING MADE IT! DID YOU SEE ME? I ALMOST FUCKING DID IT! I GOT HALFWAY!"The Spy rose from the couch, shaking his head. "Non, non, you 'ave to vibrate ze wall first." He placed one gloved hand on the wall, hummed (covering the noise of his kicking out the far side of the wall), and stepped sideways between the studs through the hole in the drywall."Oh, fuck you."
#2: You Don't Mess with a Man's HatHe never stood still enough to draw a clear bead on, so the Red Sniper's headshot ended up being a graze above his ear and a hole through his hat. The hat, that was the big thing. The wound didn't hurt as bad as some shit he'd had, and all the blood was in his ear, not getting in his eyes, so fuck it - but his HAT. There was a fucking hole through the brim.He snapped it off and threw it on the ground, shouting. "YOU FUCKING FUCKER! YOU FUCKING PUT A HOLE IN MY FUCKING HAT! YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT! YOU DON'T FUCKING MESS WITH A MAN'S HAT!"The announcer took over the comm, buzzing in his ear and ordering him to put the hat back on. "FUCK YOU, COCKFACE, HE FUCKING PUT A HOLE IN MY FUCKING HAT! WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA COME DOWN HERE AND MAKE ME PUT IT BACK ON? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO!"The announcer kept on, so the Scout took the headset off, too, and threw it down so hard it almost broke. He looked up at the nearest camera, still shouting, in silence now because his microphone was on the ground. The spectators in the monitoring room got nothing but a nice clear view of him making obscene gestures and shouting - the word "fuck" is extremely easy to lip-read.This little hissy-fit would probably have gotten him fragged if they hadn't called match just about then - the Reds had snagged the briefcase.The rest of the Blues blamed the Scout for the loss; he adamantly and volubly denied any responsibility. "It's the fucking Red Sniper's fault, assfags, he's the one who fucking put a hole in my fucking hat! You don't fucking mess with a man's hat!"He sat in exiled ignominy in the common room, pouting and cradling his hat like a baby. "My fucking hat! LOOK at my fucking hat now." He held it up, finger speared through the bullethole. "You can fucking FUCK my fucking hat now.""Mebbe YU can," said the Demo meaningfully.And that was the first time the Scout popped the Demo in the eye.
#3: Before "Meet The Sniper" Proved Us All WrongThe Spy on his way in passed the Sniper on his way out of the bathroom, and there was something more than the usual malevolent amusement in the Australian's narrow face; the Spy walked slightly faster as he entered.The Scout was leaning loose-kneed against the wall between the farthest sink and the corner, trying to take deep calming breaths. He straightened up like a rocket when he saw the Spy and snapped shrilly, "You better keep that fuckin' psycho creepbag the hell away from me or I - I'm gonna do somethin' that'll get my ass farmed!""What 'appened, petit?" he asked, concern and anger darkening his eyes as he reached out to rest a hand soothingly on the Scout's arm. "Did 'e touch you?"Scout shrugged the hand off in annoyance. "'Show me on the dolly where the bad man touched you'?" he mocked, voice still nearly hysterical. "No, he didn't fucking touch me, cockfag. If he fucking touched me one of us'd be lyin' in a puddle'a fuckin' blood right now. He just - creeped at me." He shuddered slightly.The Spy raised an eyebrow in silence, still looking blackly murderous."Fuckin' - got me backed up over here," the Scout explained, "all - fuckin' lookin' at me, and he said something - ""What?""I don't fucking know - it was that creepy fuckin' whisper, I couldn't hear him. But come the fuck on, it's the fucking Sniper, it was probably about how fuckin' sexy I'd look dead and covered in barbecue sauce. And then he fuckin' looked at me some more, and - Jesus Christ." The realization of how utterly lame and un-terrifying this sounded when explained pissed the Scout off even more, and he raised his voice again: "I swear to God, man, I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!""No, you won't," said the Spy, in a voice that didn't quite promise 'because I will kill him first.'"Yeah, well, fuck," said the Scout, pushing himself away from the wall to leave. "You better fuckin' hope he stays the fuck away from my ass or shit will fucking go down.""He will," said the Spy, in that same voice.No one was at all surprised when the Sniper "fell in the shower" later that night.
#4: A Brief OneThe Heavy, he's a good guy.As long as you don't touch Sascha.Those barrels get red-hot over the course of a battle, you know, and the Spy once had the brilliant idea of stooping to light his cigarette from them.Saying "brilliant" was sarcasm, yeah?Massive meaty mitt around his arm, lifting him up to eye level - "YOU WILL NOT TOUCH SASCHA.""Zat man," once he was out of earshot, rubbing his arm (the bruises took a day to even show up, and over a week to fade away), "'as an unnatural closeness wi' zat weapon - "No sympathy from anybody. "He fucking told everybody not to touch his fucking gun, cockfag. You feel like dicking around with the Russian tank that is YOUR fucking issue."Of course, the Scout had touched Sascha himself once. High-pitched hysteria cracking his voice: "I DIDN'T FUCKING HURT IT - ""You will not touch my gun.""OK OK I WON'T I'LL NEVER EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT IT AGAIN JUST PUT ME DOWN PLEASE"And that is how he learned that lesson.
#5: People Get Blood On Them, And Owl Tiem Stops Writing Mid-SentenceThey filter back inside after the match in small groups - this one's the Scout, the Demo, the Pyro, all laughing, cracking up with that slightly manic edge that laughter gets when it's being used to hold back something awful. The Scout's got his shirt off, using it to towel off his head - he's soaked with sweat and blood, streaked like some kind of crazy fucking war-paint - it's doing a shitty job, because his shirt's soaked just as bad."Holy shit," he says breathlessly, "that was fucking sick!""Ka-BOOM!" laughs the Demo, and the Pyro adds:"Mmph mphh mphmmmph!""Fucking totalled my clothes though - " The Scout balls up his shirt, purple with gore, and the Pyro waves at him."Mmph mm mphmm mmph.""Huh?""Mmph mm mphmm mmph!" This time the muffled words are accompanied by a jerk of the head and a gesture with the flamethrower, and the Scout gets it, grins, lobs the shirt underhand through the air in front of them. A gout of flame, a whoop through the gas mask, and the shirt's a single tattered cinder drifting to the floor."Wicked," grins the Scout, and his grin widens as their group picks up a new member. "Spy, you fucking loser - you missed the fuck out! Demo just made the best fucking frag ever - ""Mmph mmphmph mm mphhh!!!""Fucking tripwire yea high - their fucking Scout hit it at top fucking speed - took his fucking head off before the charge blew, I swear to fucking God - it was on the catwalk right the fuck over me, man, fucking fine red mist all over - ""There's nae enough o' him left tae fill a bucket!""Shit, most of him's headed down the fucking shower in about five minutes - "The Scout and the Spy peel away as the other two continue; the Spy remarks drily: "'ow entertaining eet sounds, bien sur. And next week you will be running wi' your 'ead down?""Fucking Reds probably don't even know what hit the bastard anyway. Don't fucking tell me how to do my job, cockfag," snorts the Scout, who had been the one to come up with the tripwire idea in the first place (though its implementation was an innovation new to him), and who'd been running with his eyes open for that sort of thing all along.Meanwhile:"Mph mph mmphmph!""What?""Mph mph mmphmph!""I cannae understand ye, laddie - ""Mmphmmm - "AND THEN THEY HAVE SEX :V
HOORAY YOU POSTED THEM :D
I forgot about these! :Dc
I forgot but was pleasantly reminded of them! Thankies!