>> Get ye flask.

>There is no flask in which ye speak of in reach. Maybe if you look around you may find something.

>>look self

>You are the strapping epitome of America. You love freedom, apple pie, and blowing maggots to smitheroons. You deserve a medal just for being so patriotic. Maybe even five medals or twenty.

>>Give him a rock instead.

>This gift has to be reeking of American spirit, private! A rock? What were you thinking, maggot?!

>>look

>You look around and in the water below the bridge there is a blunt object you can barely make out.

>>An American flag

>Where are you gonna find an American flag, numbnuts? Not like they grow on trees. Not here anyway.

>>jump in the water
>> Get Object

>You jump in the water and get the object. It appears to be a bottle with some kind of strange liquid inside of it.

>>drink the strange liquid
>>put BOTTLE in INVENTORY

>No way broseph this looks like a good prez for Demomang
>You put the bottle of strange liquid in your inventory good job!!!

>>realize Shovel left you for another man

>>put the bottle back, it isn't yours soldier

>Your conscience tells you to return the bottle.

>>An Tentaspy finds it and realizes it's lube

>Soldier demotes you to private. Move back 4 spaces.

>>go to time out for 10mins for stealing.

>You are too much of a MAN to go in time out.

>>head into the BLU base sewer to look for a present

>You go into the sewers. You wonder if theres goasts in the sewers. You see mices and rats and a family of spycrabs. However they are solitary creatures and are minding their own business.

>>Talk Spycrab

>You talk to the spycrab. He says that down the sewer there is a magical treasure!! But be careful becase it is dangerouse!!!

>>ask spycrab family to lead you to this treasure they speak of

>The spycrab says " Sure bro i do it" and leads you down the sewers.

>>Equip self with shovel and go search for magical treasure

>You equip shovel. It gives you 10 strength and -10 charisma.
>You go down the sewers but they are blocked off by oh no theres zombies everywhere!!!

>>try to make friends

>What you crazy I mean you made friends with a black scottish cyclops but this is different.

>>genuflect

>No way you aint doin that bro. What have these zombos done for your country

>> Kill ZOMBIES with SHOVEL

>That sounds like a good idea but you just cleaned shovel this morning!

>>Sex up the witch

>You have gained "Zombie Aids"

>>Call Pyro for backup

>No way shovel's gonna be covered on zombo guts you call Pyro to clear out these punks. He does so without a complaint. PYRO HAS JOINED UR PARTY because if you didn't let him he'd probably cry and tell medic or something.

>>Put ZOMBIE AIDS in INVENTORY

>You put "Zombie Aids" in your inventory.

>>talk PYRO

>You sure as hell don't understand a word he's saying but you guess its about spaceships or pirates. Something important like that.

>>Examine surroundings

>You examine your surroundings and see there is a fork in the sewers going two ways. There is a rope hanging above you leading into a dark abyss and a medikit is sitting halfway submerged in the water

>>get MEDIKIT

>You take the medikit and place it in your inventory. However all that is inside is a pack of bandaids and a box of crayons.

>>use CRAYONS on WALL

> You use crayons on wall. Maybe hundreds of years from now future scientists will look at these in awe. However doodling isn't gonna get you any closer to that treasure. Hop to it, maggot!

>>use PURPLE CRAYON on WALL to draw a DOOR

>You use the purple crayon to draw a door on the wall. You step inside but there's a dragon guarding an apple tree. It looks angry you better watch yourself man

>>use ZOMBIE AIDS on DRAGON

>You have used zombie aids on dragon now he is hiv positive. Looks like he won't give you anymore trouble.

Your exits are NOrth (venture through the door more) and SOuth (back to the sewer)

>>Get apple, use with Pyro to make Apple Pie

>You use apple with pyro to make apple pie

>Pyro explains the action to you to make the directions clear.

>>Have PYRO use AXE to chop down APPLE TREE

>Pyro uses AXE on TREE. It falls down with a thud. There are apples all over the damn place now.

>> use apples to make bottle-o-Scrumpy.

>You use APPLES on PYRO and he makes PIE and SCRUMPY. You put them in your inventory. However you can't put your finger on it but they seem a little strange looking.

>>Offer Pyro an apple and then make a mean joke when he can't eat it because of his mask. Then take an apple for Demo.

>You give pyro an apple because he's such a good sport. He happily takes it but is sad because his mask is in the way. You LOL and LMAO and ROLF

>>go SOUTH
>>and dance instead of walk

>You DANCE back your way outta there with your bros.

>You are back in the sewer. You see there is a fork in the sewers going two ways. There is a rope hanging above you leading into a dark abyss and a purple door you drew on the wall around with a bunch of other cool doodles.

>>Wrap Scrumpy in festive wrappings

>Freakin' Festive wrappins!

>>Climb ROPE

>You climb up the rope and find yourself in a bathroom, and Heavy chillin in a bathtub. You have no idea why there is such a place here, even more-so how Heavy could climb up a rope without breaking it

>>release spycrab back into its natural habitat

>"Be free little spycrab" you say as you kick spycrab into the sewer to his untimely demise. You have done a good thing. You take a mental note to fashion yourself a badge when you return to base.

>>talk Heavy

>You TALK to Heavy.
"VAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, TINY MAN? DONT YOU SEE THAT I AM NOT DECENT?!"

>>take TOY BOAT

>You TAKE the TOY BOAT. However it seems like this action has brought the Heavy distress. " NIET DO NOT BREAK IT!! IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME"

>>Put TOY BOAT in INVENTORY

> You put TOY BOAT in your INVENTO-OSHIT HES GONNA PUNCH OUT ALL YOUR BLOOD, MAN!

>>Give TOY BOAT to HEAVY

>You returned the TOY BOAT to Heavy. But apparently that didn't stop him from punching you in the face. He only punched some of your blood out.

>>put blood in inventory

>You put BLOOD in your INVENTORY

>>Climb down ROPE.
>>Place ROPE in INVENTORY

>You climb down the rope and put the rope in your inventory.

You examine your surroundings and see there is a fork in the sewers going two ways. Your exits are EAst and WEst.

>>Taunt HEAVY from SEWER

>You TAUNT HEAVY from the sewers. Not such a good idea.

>>Put SINK in INVENTORY

>You put SINK in INVENTORY

>>Go EAST

> You head EAST. Ahead someone beckons you in an unidentifiable western European accent. They say if you come see them they will give you candy.

>>look VOICE

>You LOOK at VOICE. It is a speech bubble with a bunch of lines all over it indicating speech.

>>equip ROCKET LAUNCHER and proceed with caution

>You equip your rocket launcher and proceed with caution, dragging Pyro behind you.

>> Send in Pyro for Free Candy

> You try to send Pyro in but he's bein a fraidy cat. How did they let a man (or whatever he is) in the war anyhow?

>You slowly peek your head into the entrance. " Do not be afraid, amigo. I will not bite, non?" the stranger says.

>>ask STRANGER for candy

>You ask the stranger for some candy.

> " Oui, but of course" Spyfish says.

>>give CANDY to Pyro

>You take the candy and give it to Pyro. To hold.

>"Eet is so nice to have vizitors" says spyfish " I get so lonely down here" he sighs. You ignore him and take all of the candy. Damn French fish.

>>go WEST

>>Put Spyfish tears in inventory

>You put SPYFISH TEARS in your INVENTORY then head WEST.
" Hey! Do not leave!" cries the Spyfish, " C-come on I have ze Twister set out and everything!!"

>>RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN

>You run out of there as fast as you can. The Spyfish is angered and crashes through the wall and swims after you.

Maybe you should have just played Twister.

>>Apologize to SPYFISH
>>Play TWISTER. (But prepare to defend your honor from impending raep)

>You apologize and go play some twister with Spyfish.

>Suddenly Spyfish's brother comes in. " Hey man I just got some bagel bites and MERDE what are you doing having humans in our pad playing Twister whats wrong with you"
" But they are my friends!"
" Yeah well your friends better be ready for a bag full of rape"

>> rape him

>You gave Tentaspy zombie aids.

>>check score

>>Tie up Spyfish with rope and add to inventory

>You use ROPE on SPYFISH and put him in your INVENTORY. Dude can anything else fit in there?

>>Go WEST

>You go west. You enter a dark room lighted up by a small golden box on top of a set of stairs. Is this the treasure spycrab told you of?

>>swap treasure for candy bowl to prevent traps from activating
>>trick Pyro into going to get the TREASURE by saying there's a really cute handbag in there.

>You tell Pyro pyro that the box has a Louis Vuitton bag inside of it. Without hesitation he swaps the box with the bowl. GOOD JOB

>They were not the correct weight. A wild Gman appears.

>>RUN LIKE HELL
>>SPYFISH, play TWISTER with GMAN

>You use SPYFISH on GMAN and he makes him play a game of Twister with him. While they are busy you and Pyro make a run for it with the treasure!

>>Open TREASURE
>>Don't open the treasure, seeing as its allready giftwraped and everything. Ruining poor Demo's suprise would be horrible.
>>>Do both of these, regardless of the paradoxical nature of such a conundrum.
>>>>Oh, Jesus, now Schrödinger's Cat is going to be in the treasure chest or something.
>>>>>>Put Schrödinger's Cat in INVENTORY

>fucken everything

>You open the box and find Schrodinger's cat. You place him in the inventory.

>>Pet Schrödinger's cat

>You pet Schrodinger's cat

>>leave sewers

>You leave the sewers and go to the b-day party. The party is pumpin and every1 is happy and demoman sure is excited about opening prez!!!

>>mingle

>You mingle and tell everyone your war stories that never actually happened until people are like dude shut up

>>give DEMO the PRESENT.

> You give present to Demoman! O wow he sur likes it

>Demoman tries his present on

>Demoman sure likes his purple drank

>>Tell DEMOMAN that is now how you use Schrödinger's Cat

>Oh oops

> THIS IS THE BEST BDAY EVER says demomane IT SURE IS NICE TO BE NINETEEN YEARS YOUNG

You did a good thing 4 demoman you gained 5 friendpoints

(Disk 2 goes in)

>YOU ARE A MEDIC. You are in your study. What do you do?

>>Look Computer

>You look at your computer. You got an email from your Heavy that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed you for help.

>>Research Aliens and Monsters with Computer

> You research Aliens and Monsters on your computer but all you get are gay dreamworks movie reviews and trailers.

>>put Bonesaw and Syringe in Inventory
>>leave study

>You put your items in your inventory and you leave your study

>>Ponder obvious anachronism of having internet access in 1968

>No time you gotta save the day, man!

>>check schedule

You check your schedule. Scout needs a heart transplant in an hour. You figure you could make it back in time. If not no big loss right?

>>Remember soldier babbling about spy-sealife, dragons, and zombies. He must know something about monsters and aliens, too.
>>Look for soldier.

>You remember the nonsense Soldier was talking about. So you decide to set out and find him. However all you see are people in the distance, readying themselves for battle.

>>Put heart in inventory.

>You put HEART in inventory

>>>equip medigun
>>head out to find people to heal!

> You are thinking "my brother is in trouble there" you have no time to babysit these dummkopfs

>>Examine surroundings

> You look around and see Soldier atop of a silo.

>>Realize that heavy's place just down the hall, because you all live in the same base.

> But hevy is on vacations!!! But he didn't tell you because he is a mysterious man

>>Shout at SOLDIER

> You SHOUT at SOLDIER until your lungs are sore but he cannot hear you! You are too far away from him and someone is streaming Jinglecats. You might want to think of another way.

>>Ponder why heavy appears to have hair on that postcard.

> It's supposed to be the postcard return address however the graphics in this game are pretty dated it sure is bad for all you know he could be having a rad 'dew

>>Return to BASE

> You return to base. Maybe you should find your medigun. you are a medic after all

>>in console "explode"

>Invalid command

>>throw syringe at soldier

>How can you throw a syringe at the soldier when you are inside of the base?

>>get MEDIGUN

>scheiss! your medigun isnt where it normally is! You swear you left it here!

>>Investigate who is watching the TELEVISION

>You see that PYRO is watching the Andy Griffith on the TELEVISION.

>>Flip the fuck out

>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

>>Watch some Andy Griffith with Pyro

> You watch Andy Griffith with pyro and you decide to put the game on pause

>>Ask Pyro about Medigun

> You ask Pyro where your medigun is. He tells you he put it in the dishwasher to clean it.

>>THANK Pyro for his helpfulness
>>Go to the DISHWASHER

>You thank Pyro and go get your medigun and boy is it shiny! Das gutt now lets go find a way to get to soldier!

>>Examine Surroundings

>You examine your surroundings. You see Pyro watching I Love Lucy now and a case of stairs and a door leading outside. There is a dead rat on the floor.

>>put RAT in INVENTORY
>>Equip Dead Rat in Head Slot.

>I don't think you would find putting the dead rat in your inventory to be very sanitary. Nor putting it on your head. You put it in a plastic bag and put it in your inventory.

>>Go up stairs.

> You go upstairs. You see doors going to your teammates dorms. MEDIC's dorm SCOUT's dorm HEAVY's dorm and DEMOMAN's dorm.

>>Go into SCOUT's dorm

>You go out to Scout's dorm. Apparently he's outside somewhere and the room is vacant. It's littered with magazines and empty cans of BONK! Energy drink. Nothing too exciting.

>>read his magazines

> WHUH OH

>>Add GAY PORNOGRAPHY to INVENTORY

>you add GAY PORNO to your inventory. You have 3 slots left.

>>Show to nearest teammate

> You show Pyro what you found and you laugh, lol and rofl. because you two sure are the manliest men on base with your girl purse and habit of running behind sweaty men wherever they go.

>>Go to HEAVY's ROOM

> You go into HEAVY's room. There is a worn out mattress that seems to have sunken in under his weight, a barbell, and a book under his bed next to a pencil.

>>Read book while using the dumbbell

> Doing even the dumbell part seems difficult. You decide to just read it instead.

>>Look for clues of Heavy's location in book

>The diary is in russian. You cannot read it.

>>Take a nap

> You take a NAP. Your healthpoints are maxed out!

>>use computer to find translator

> And what? Use the internet? This is the 1960's there is no internet. That's crazy talk.

>>Look for a translator in the phone book

> It looks like the team ran out of toilet paper again. All that's left of the phonebook is a page with the number for a mariachi band

>>Ask PYRO to read journal. He might be Russian.

> Pyro seems like he understand what it says! And he tells you. However you cannot make out any of the muffled words.

>>Tell him to write it down

>Pyro doesn't know how to write!! However it dawns on you that Soldier can comprehend what Pyro says. Perhaps if you can find a way to get him down...

>>call MARIACHI BAND

> You call the mariachi band and in a flash they arrive to the room. Their names are Pincho, Pancho, and Thomas Jefferson.

>>Ask MARIACHI BAND to serenade SOLDIER down from the SILO.

> The Mariachi band serenades Soldier. However Soldier doesn't seem to enjoy their music, calls them several racist words then climbs down the silo.

>>Intercept SOLDIER before he puts the hurt on the MARIACHI BAND

> You quickly interrupt Soldier before bashes some skulls in with his shovel.

>>Ask SOLDIER to translate PYRO translating HEAVY'S DIARY.

> You finally get Soldier to translate what Pyro translated from Heavy's diary. He says that the diary says that Heavy ran away to Las Vegas with Sasha to get married!! O no!

>>Cry because Heavy is a filthy, cheating whore.

> You bawwwww

>>tell Natascha

>Natasha cries with you and offers watching Oprah and eating icecream to feel better.

>>Regain your composure.
>>Find SNIPER and ask to borrow his VAN.

> You find Sniper and ask him if you can borrow his van. " What's in it for me?" he asks.

>>offer hot piece of medic ass. also jars

> You have no jars. Also you cannot bear to part with your ass you have had it ever since you were a child.

>>Offer GAY PORNOGRAPHY

>Sniper h8s poofters

>>Offer Scouts Heart

>But its scouts heart he need it!

>>Offer your undying friendship. Also, sex.

>He aint a poofter and this is a man who camps out and pees in jars all day that aint sanitary, mate.

>>threaten him with the dead rat

>Sniper says he's seen more disgusting things in his mother's bedroom. Aint gonna freak him out!

>>use bonesaw on sniper

> You use bonesaw on Sniper. " Dont have to be so pushy, mate" he says and lets you use the van.

>>Drive to LAS VEGAS. Make sure not to stop in BAT COUNTRY.

>You drive to Las vegas! You take extra procedures not to stop in Cat Bountry I mean Bat Country.

> O NO you crashed into another van in front of you! What now, man?

>>beat the crap out of the other driver

> You are on a tight schedule you are angry!! so you go to the driver to beat him up but unfortunately the van is filled with blus.

>>Explain your situation and hope they will understand

> Smooth move. You've been captured by the BLUs and they're taking you to the california where you'll spend the rest of your life in the BLU corporation's peanut farm. You gotta find a way to escape!

>>Use UBERSAW

>You'd like to but you're a little 'tied' up at the moment. You then realize that that pun isn't as funny as it used to be. In the back of the van there is a coil of rope on the wall, a gallon of gasoline, a crowbar attached to the wall, a lighter and a sudoku book.

>>Use the edges of the paper of the sudoku book to cut the rope. Try not to get a paper cut.

> You try to pick up the sudoku book. " Amamamam" you mumble as you try and pick it up with your mouth. Instead you get a papercut on your lip. Maybe you'd need some assistance.

>>Edge up against CROWBAR, and try and rub against it so as to cut the rope.

> You lean up against the wall and try to cut the ropes with the crowbar. The crowbar isn't very sharp though. It makes a nice back scratcher though.

>>Use LIGHTER to burn ROPE

> You use lighter to burn rope! Hey its working!

> Maybe a little too well. You do believe you are on fire.

>>scream EVERYONE I AM ON FIRE

>" EVERYONE I AM ON FIRE"

The blus freak out and jump out of the car in panic.

>>Drive VAN while on fire because that shit is badass

>You drive VAN while on FIRE because it is badass however maybe you should put yourself out before you die.

>> use MEDIGUN

> You use your medigun to put yourself out what a smartie you are

>> celebrate near-death experience by poppin' some PERCOCET

>You have none on you, dude!

>>check GAS LEVEL

>Looks like you're beginning to run low.

>>Drive straight through BAT COUNTRY

> You drive straight through Bat Country

> YOU ARRIVE IN LAS VEGAS there are monsters and aliens everywhere!!! What will you do!

>>Call up Freeman!
>>Run over them with the Van.
>>ignore monsters and aliens, find heavy using your medic senses

> You use your Heavy senses! He is nearby but you need help! You drive over monsters and aliens with your van but you need a phone to call your brother Gordon Freeman

>>Think about simply calling Heavy and ASKING where he is. Decide that calling Gordon would be better. He's like MacGyver: Source.
>>Search for a PAYPHONE that accepts GAY PORN.

> Call Heavy? What, like he has a cell phone? Thats as ridiculous as having the internet and email in the 1960's.

> You find a payphone however I don't think they will accept gay pornos.

>>use MEDIGUN on DEAD RAT to revive it and ask it to operate the phone from the inside, crawling up the coin return slot and nulling the need for coins. :D

> You revive the dead rat with your medigun and he goes through the coin slot to give you a free call what a trooper this little dude is! You call up your brother and he tells you he will be there in a 'mo.

>>shriek like a little girl untill brother arrives

> You scream like a little girl until Gordon comes to your rescue! He lands on the ground out of nowhere and says " Wat u need bro". You explain your situation to him and he agrees to help you find Heavy. However he doesn't have WEPON and asks you to find him one.

>>explain how FREEMAN is able to SPEAK.

>>Get CROWBAR from VAN

> You take the crowbar from the van and give it to Freeman. He starts killin' all of the enemies in your path until you find Heavy. He is stuck on top of a convenience store roof! U gotta help him!?!?!

>>Plow through ZOMBIES with VAN until you reach the CONVENIENCE STORE

>AWESOOOOOOOOME
>You reach the convinience store after you plow through all of the monsters aliens, zombies and whatever else was in your way.

> You put another floppy in your DOS for part 2! Brace yourselves!

> You wonder if you accidentially ran over your brother from the ride over. A bloodied arm grasping a crowbar answers your question

>You crank up the speakers in your car and play "IN YOUR EYES" expressing your love for the angry fat man who punches people. He would respond but the ground begins to shake!!

> whuh oh

>>check to see if you are john cusack
>>if not, dress like him

> You check if you are John Cusack. You are not so you dress up like him.

>>have 10 minute internal monologue about being in love.

> Too late! Nillanth knocks you off the van with a swipe of it's claws.

>>Use syringe to infect nillanth with SWINE FLU

> You use SYRINGE on NILLANTH and it is given SWINE FLU. It slows the creature down however it still comes after you!

>>Initiate COMBAT OPERANDI> BLITZKRIEG BOP

>>Call for HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP!!!

> HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP

>AGENTS ARE GO

>HE WAS A SK8ER BOY
I SAID SEE YOU L8ER BOY

>>Rescue HEAVY

> You rescue heavy and carry him off the roof! You now have a hernia.

>>weep over your lost brother

> you weep over the loss of your brother and cry cry cry

>>get BUSY in the van with HEAVY

> You get BUSY in the van with HEAVY while the EBA finish off Nillanth.

>> you now have SOVIET AIDS

>>put SOVIET AIDS in inventory
>>Use MEDIGUN on SOVIET AIDS

> You put SOVIET AIDS in your INVENTORY. You're not sure if the medigun is capable of curing it.

>>Marry HEAVY while you're down here in Vegas. I mean, you might as well.

> youre still mad about soviet aids but you and heavy wepon man get hitched by an elvis impersonating man. ROMANCE ENSUES

>>live happily ever after

> you sure freaking live happily ever after the end

Wow someone actually saved all of this stuff! Thanks for posting em!

>>654

I archived the entire /oek/ board for transfer so we wouldn't lose any of this awesome ridiculousness. :V

flawless victory.

I'm shoving in disk 3 as hard as I can but nothing is happening. :[

>>720
Maybe you should be more gentle...
Or shuv harder

>>641
Except for Scout lol.

>>720
try blowing on it.

>>720
disk 4 is in here http://www.tf2chan.net/oek/res/4.html