To whom it may concern,

Congratulations. You have managed to steal from the craftiest member of your team. How, I do not know, but expect me to find out sooner or later.

But no not misunderstand me! I am not angry with you, not one bit! In fact, I’m incredibly impressed. It’s not often you horrid people do something worthy of my admiration, so being angry in this situation would be quite unfair of me. I must give you credit where credit is due.

However, I must also tell you that I am incredibly dangerous when I do not get my cigarettes. Surely, you must realize how hard they are to come by in this base? The supply train does not come nearly enough times a month, mon frere, and I’m afraid of what might happen to me if I begin to have withdrawals. Do you remember the particularly grisly murder that happened some weeks ago, in the BLU base? Yes, the Soldier that was found with his shovel stuck halfway down his throat? And I hope you remember how much blood there was and how it stank.

I’m sure you’re intelligent enough to figure out what I’m getting at.

But, I must emphasize again how I’m not angry with you one bit! Au contraire, my dear teammate, you must indeed tell me how you snuck into my room or how you just simply took my cigarette case from my pocket, because, as you may imagine, it’s eating at me this very moment. I was never that fond of mystery stories as a child. It follows that I am not fond of them now.

On a lighter note, you may want to lock your door a little more securely tonight. We’re a family, yes, something like that and it’s assumed that all of us can trust each other, but…

You see, sometimes I do not know what I am doing with myself. Nicotine withdrawal is something like lycanthropy: I simply have no idea who I may barge in on and murder without warning. Homme du monde, all I want is for your safety. Believe me when I say I am only looking out for your life when I tell you these things. Besides, there are coyotes out here. You never know how they may get into the base. Being prepared for any situation is of utmost importance!

Oh, and if you find yourself actually using my cigarettes, please ignore the picture of Scout’s mother I had put in there. She means nothing to me, really, and the only purpose of it is to annoy Scout. Of course, if it is Scout himself who has stolen my cigarettes (which I highly doubt), I apologize. I am sure your mother is a perfectly good woman when she isn’t committing adultery with someone such as myself.

Now that I have considered it, it is refreshing to be stolen from. I understand now the horrible sinking feeling that comes along with the realization that something very dear to you has been stolen. And though I feel as though there were a hole in the pit of my stomach, I will still urge you all on into battle with an encouraging “allez!” and I will do my best. After all, it is my job.

All I ask of you is that you either show yourself to me or I will find you. (Not a threat, of course, this is all in good humor.) As each second ticks by I feel myself become a little more unstable and I fear that I won’t last much longer. My gun is sitting dangerously close to my hand, even as I write this, and I assume you know that my knife is always on my person. You may just be fixing yourself a snack when I strike. Perhaps you’ll be taking a shower. Maybe you’ll even be in your own room.

If you come to me, dear perpetrator, this whole incident can be regarded entre nous. No one has to know the evil deeds you have committed and you will be able to live yourself completely guilt-free. That is, only if you come to me as soon as you lay your dirty little eyes on this letter.

Just thinking of the way you defiled my cigarette case with your dirty fingers, just imagining the way you must have put at least one of my precious cigarettes into your filthy mouth makes me shudder. I must tell you that I found myself checking for my lighter just now, in something of a frenzy. You dog, you miserable creature, you are lucky you left my lighter to me. Taking that away from me would have had much more dire consequences.

To think that you have been wandering the halls all day, smiling at everyone and pretending to be a generally good person, ignoring your thieving ideals and twisted moral code. It makes me laugh, my friend, it really does. Everyone said hello to me today, at least once. I should have been more aware. You all have dull faces but maybe the face with the most guilt in its eyes would have tipped me off.

Merde! Brûlez dans l'enfer, you awful person, mange d'la merde. “l'État, c'est moi!”, as Louis XIV may have said, though you may find that I am much more powerful than the state, I am death itself, I am something more fearsome, and when you are lying awake in bed tonight, trembling at the thought of your own teammate killing you, I want you to watch your doorknob. It may just open by itself, but of course you won’t see anything. I will be in your room before you know it, breathing down your neck as you clutch your flower-patterned sheets like the little girl you are. You have seen me slit a person’s throat, I am sure. It’s not a pleasant way to die.

Tu es con. Va te faire mettre! Fous le camps et morte! I hope you enjoy the fate you’ve chosen for yourself half as much as I do, you thieving swine, and I hope your parents are aware of what a failure they have raised.


Just a friendly reminder,
Spy