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No. 1970
>>11
Heh. I like that simile.
Let me say right off the bat that the biggest problem with this fic, aside from the odd changing tenses that sometimes happen in the middle of a sentence, is the characterization. Out of all the characters, I think Soldier suffers the absolute worst from this, because he comes off sounding like the Scout with a lot of "Maggots!" and "Privates!" thrown in; Soldier uses "Maggot" like most teenagers use "dude" here, when he really doesn't. It's an insult, and should be used as such. If he's really falling for Engineer, then he probably would not call him such. Engineer doesn't quite sound like himself either, although in comparison to Soldier it's not as glaringly obvious.
It's not just his speech, either. Soldier isn't /acting/ like himself, either. Something you need to keep in mind when writing these characters is what drives them to do what they do. I had noted before in another critique a while back that Soldier is a hybrid of the Drill Sergeant Nasty and Cloudcuckoolander archetypes ( http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DrillSergeantNasty and http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CloudCuckoolander , respectively), and needs to be written as such. He is hard. He is mean. He is also completely fucking insane. And if he starts feeling all mushy over another man he is going to make damn sure that nobody knows about it, and cover it up not only to make sure his other teammates would never know, but so that he could probably lie to himself about feeling that way. Hell, he would probably still act that way even if he /did/ have sex with another dude, and try to justify it in the most bizarre, macho way possible. KiloMonster's fic has been doing a pretty bang-up job of conveying this, as well as building up the relationship between Soldier and Engineer, which brings me to another point...
The relationship between Soldier and Engineer moves along so fast that I felt like I got whiplash. One day Soldier manages to save Engie's hide and the next they're already talking about sex. Not only is this extremely unrealistic, but it's extremely out of character for the both of them. Again, I'm going to bring up KiloMonster's fic, with the scene where Soldier confronts Engie after he's recovered from his injuries. There's that moment of electricity and sexual tension between the two of them in the hallway, where Soldier's face is just in front of Engie's, and the reader, trained as they are by many a slash fic, expect them to kiss. But they don't. Soldier just walks away, and I could not have thought of a better way to handle that. There's the build-up of tension that makes it delicious to read, and it builds up a relationship between the two while keeping them in character. That's most of the fun in writing fluff fics, really, is easing into the potential romance like sliding slowly into a really hot bath. I admit I am not the best at writing romance, nor am I really a big fan of it most of the time, but I know enough of how relationships work just from my own to know what /feels/ right.
The third thing is the dialog. Good Lord, the dialog. There are so many "Uhhs" and "umms" that I feel like I may have inadvertently influenced this since I put them into my own dialog, although I try to only use them when it feels right. A lot of words lifted from in-game lines seem to be just thrown in like verbal tics, and none of it comes off as smooth. Some advice: Look over something you wrote a character saying, and then read it out loud, preferably using their accent and inflections. It's hard to explain, but there are certain words that say, Medic might use that Scout or Heavy wouldn't. I can't really make a list, but sometimes I'll read a fic and a character will use a word that I can't really picture them using. I will just know it when I see it.
What I'm going to suggest is to re-watch the Meet the Team videos. I mean, study them. Listen to all the in-game lines the characters have. They have just enough characterization that you can easily know what's in and out of character, but there's enough left to work with that you can add things and still make it work. For example, I don't remember if it was Ten Cent Bastard that was the first to make Pyro a Trekkie, but I liked the idea enough and ran with it, because, well, it kind of /fit/.
I think perhaps this fic should be scrapped and re-written from scratch. Also, seriously, GET A BETA. The is a thread in /help/ that has a whole bunch of people who would probably be more than willing to help, including myself. There were a lot of moments in this that I just cringed and points where I had to stop reading for a bit, and I hate to say that sort of thing because you seem really nice and also when you mentioned that you were inspired by some "AMAZING but depressing fics," I had a nagging feeling mine might be one of them, so I feel kind of compelled to help you, here.
Also, double-space between paragraphs. Makes things much easier to read.
... Though I have to say, the bit about Heavy asking Medic if he could be on top next time was easily my favorite part. It made smile.
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