EPISODE FIVE

Scout’s mother and Spy are sitting in their fancily decorated living room. Scout’s mom is reading the paper while Spy is playing piano. Scout’s mom makes a comment about wanting to see her son more often, which causes Spy to mess up and slam his fingers on the keyboard evil-overlord-playing-the-organ style. He turns around very slowly, furiously taking drags from his cigarette. Scout’s mom doesn’t seem to notice or care.

Meanwhile Scout and Pyro are in shop class working on their next big project. Engie is helping some of the kids who are having a difficult time, and there is also a shot of Sniper outside cutting the grass. Scout and Pyro start to giggle obnoxiously and glance back at Engie every so often as though doing something awful, so he goes over to their table to see what they were doing.

Engie isn’t really surprised to find that they had welded a metal dick and vagina instead of an ashtray like they were supposed to. He sends them to the principal, but secretly puts the two sculptures into his desk drawer for unknown reasons.

Back at Spy’s house he has somehow managed to seduce Scout’s mom once more. There is a shot of them having heated (but PG enough for daytime TV) sex in their Mediterranean style bedroom.

Scout and Pyro are in the principal’s (Announcer’s) office. They both sit and look at the floor, twiddling their thumbs. The principal enters from stage left and sits at her desk with her hands folded, smoking a cigar. The camera slowly backs out of the room as the principal begins to speak to them about what they’ve done.

Cut to another shot of Spy and Scout’s mom having sex.

Cut to a shot of Scout and Pyro exiting the principal’s office, and then to one of them walking home from school. They say nothing and keep their heads low.

Cut to a shot of Spy and Scout’s mom (still) having sex, this time in the kitchen.

Finally, a shot of Scout returning home and sitting at the kitchen table, laying his head on it. Soldier asks him how his day was and he does not respond. Soldier then balances an apple on Scout’s head so he can have it as a snack later. He then says he’s going to the store to get some booze.

He drives to the local strip club instead.

One final shot of Scout’s mom and Spy, who are now sharing a nice candlelit dinner. Spy looks smug.

Fade to Engie, sitting in his favorite chair and watching TV. He looks out the window suspiciously, and then reaches into his left pocket and takes out the metal vagina Scout created. He takes the metal dick out of the other pocket.

He giggles a little bit and sees if they fit together. They do.

EPISODE SIX

Scout and Pyro have snuck out of their homes and are sitting on the swingsets at the elementary school. It is presumed to be late at night.

Scout asks Pyro what he left for. Pyro sighs and looks up at the stars as there is a flashback sequence.

Pyro’s dad is cooking on the grill for dinner, while Pyro’s mother is tidying up the house. Pyro is working on building a flamethrower out of matches so he can light it with a real flamethrower later. Things are going well until Pyro’s mother enters the kitchen wearing a rather fancy woman’s dress instead of her normal hazmat suit. She still has her helmet on, however. Pyro gives her thumbs up and says that it asserts her femininity better than that suit usually does. She agrees, and goes to show Pyro’s father.

Muffled yells are heard as Pyro’s father berates Pyro’s mother for wearing something like that. He says that it’s too frail and he doesn’t enjoy it one bit. He then goes on to say that the Pyro family isn’t about looking good it’s about being one with the flame. Pyro isn’t sure what his father means by that but he doesn’t appreciate the yelling. He goes outside to tell his father to stop it, but his father says that Pyro was never very good at starting fires anyway. Pyro shakes his fist angrily and storms out of the house.

Fade to Scout and Pyro in the present time. Scout nods understandingly and takes Pyro’s side on the matter, adding that he thinks he’s very good at starting fires, especially the ones in Sniper’s yard. Pyro laughs beneath his mask and then (presumably) asks Scout what happened in HIS house.

Scout burps and retells the story.

Another flashback reveals Scout finding the apple on his head after he had nodded off for a bit. He takes a bite and then throws it at the wall, angry that it’s red and not green. He calls for Soldier to tell him that he’s retarded, only to find that there’s nothing there except a note. The camera zooms in on the note.

“Dear son, I went to buy some booze. Love, dad.”

Scout crumples the note and tosses it onto the floor. Demo comes in and picks it up, putting it into the trash and crossing his arms. He scolds Scout for littering in his own home, and provides a humorous anecdote about the times when he would litter when he was young and how it did him no good. Scout doesn’t seem to understand and sits there with a blank look on his face. Demo retreats to the basement to shoot pool.

Scout takes the time to reflect on Soldier’s parenting skills. He feels sad that he doesn’t seem to care that he has a son at all, and wishes that Heavy were his dad instead of his uncle. Scout then feels awkward for wishing that since Heavy is kind of a weird dude. He then gets angry and smashes Soldier’s favorite vase against the wall, opens the door to the basement and yells at Demo that he’s going out to smack some bitches, and leaves.

A brief shot of Demo shows him playing pool with small shot glasses on wheels.

EPISODE SEVEN

Sniper is sitting in his armchair and watching TV early in the morning. He takes a sip of coffee even though he has a cigarette in his mouth. The weather comes on and as the reporter announces that it’ll be “really fucking hot”, Sniper sighs. He looks over to the mantelpiece and to the picture sitting there. Sniper comments that hot weather reminds him of whatever’s in the photo. The picture is obscured. He gets up, dumps his coffee down the sink, and opens the fridge to get a beer instead. There is a brief shot of something large, vaguely human-shaped and frozen. Cue ominous music.

Scout is sitting on the porch in his backyard with his baseball bat over his shoulder. He’s very bored since Pyro and his family are at church. He says to himself that he thinks church is stupid and he doesn’t get it anyway. Soldier can be seen looking through the sliding glass door at Scout. He says nothing.

Suddenly, Scout sees something that gets his attention and jumps up, startling Soldier. Soldier then goes to pester Demo about going to play ball with Scout or something, since he has to take care of the tax returns.

Cut to a shot of Scout crouching down in the grass, wrinkling his nose and retching.

“Oh. My. Gawd. What the FUCK is that?”

The camera swivels around to reveal a baby Tentaspy in the grass, presumably abandoned by some poor shmuck who didn’t want it anymore. The Tentaspy blinks at Scout with it’s enormous eyes and giggles. Scout covers his mouth to stop himself from barfing on it, then pokes it with his bat. The baby Tentaspy wraps its tentacles around the bat and take it from Scout before hitting him over the head with it. Scout curses loudly and grabs his head, jumping up and running inside. Except he hits the glass door.

Meanwhile, Sniper has taken to looking out of his window again in Scout’s backyard to see what all the ruckus is about. He sees the Tentaspy and smiles a little, feeling a pang of sympathy for the little thing. He then reminds himself that it’s probably all slimy and prone to sticking its appendages in places they don’t belong. Sniper shrugs and goes back to watching TV.

Scout is now staring out the window at the baby Tentaspy as well, eyes wide and his hands against the glass. Tentacles are visible waving about in the grass. Scout jogs in place nervously as he tries to think about what to do. He considers calling Soldier, but doesn’t really want to see Tentaspy guts all over the place. He phones Pyro to see if they’ve returned from church. They haven’t.

Scout calls his uncle Heavy and begins to loudly retell the events of the past half hour or so. Heavy can be heard over the phone yelling excitedly at the news. He says he’ll come over immediately. Demo, as well, has entered the kitchen and has been listening to Scout on the phone.

Demo advises Scout to keep the Tentaspy away from Soldier, since he doesn’t allow pets in the home. Scout agrees.

Fade to Sniper’s living room, where he seems to be playing solitaire. The phone rings. It’s Engie again, asking if Sniper wants to go bowling with him. Sniper declines and sets the phone down gently. He looks at the picture above the fireplace again, and this time half of it is visible. Just Sniper is visible, and it looks like he’s standing there with someone else. He’s waving to the camera.

Heavy has arrived at the Scout household and is wanting to know where the baby Tentaspy is. Scout tells him to quiet the fuck down before he scares it, and Heavy clamps his hand over his mouth just to make sure. Scout, Heavy, and Demo all walk outside cautiously.

There is a brief shot of the tentacles waving in the grass again.

They inch toward it slowly. When they finally reach it they all crouch down. The baby Tentaspy has fallen asleep and is snoring. Heavy is enchanted by it and asks if they can keep it. Demo seems to like it, as well, and Scout comments that maybe it’s just a little cute.

Heavy picks it up and cradles it like a human baby. Scout says that it’s sort of sick for him to do that, since it’s obviously not human. Demo tells Scout to stop being such a douchebag.

Soldier is heard pulling into the driveway. Heavy, Scout, and Demo all freeze. Heavy shoves the Tentaspy into Scout’s arms and tells him to hide it somewhere safe.

EPISODE EIGHT

Scout is shown in school near his locker, holding the baby Tentaspy out in front of him. He tells the Tentaspy that he’s going to have to stay in the locker for the day and that he can’t get into any trouble. Tentaspy gives Scout a look and pinches his hands with some tentacles. Scout curses and tells Tentaspy he really means it, or else they’ll be having calamari for school lunch tomorrow. Scout also takes the time to remind Tentaspy of the events of last night.

Flashback. Scout runs out of the room as Soldier returns home. Heavy and Demo are standing there as though nothing is wrong. Soldier plods to the kitchen table and sits down. He stares. No one moves. Soldier sniffs the air and pauses, then asks if anyone wants to have sushi for dinner.

Tentaspy remembers and nods sadly, waving his tentacles at Scout. Suddenly, Pyro taps Scout on the shoulder, who jumps and lets out a small scream. Pyro giggles, then stops upon seeing the Tentaspy. He gestures at it and shrugs. Scout explains what it is and where he got it from, and that yes, it did have the mini suit and ski mask on when he found it. Pyro suggests putting it in the aquarium in the science wing, but Scout says that he can never trust a man who teaches science for a living. He doesn’t elaborate.

Scout shoves Tentaspy into the locker and tells him to be good as he and Pyro rush off to shop class. A sad shot is shown of Tentaspy waving one of his tentacles sadly, then discovering that Scout hadn’t closed his locker all the way.

Cut to a scene of shop class, where Engie is explaining the finer points of a flux capacitor. Scout discovers he has some of Tentaspy’s slime on his hand and wipes some on Pyro’s suit. Pyro punches Scout in the arm and wipes it onto the kid next to him. The process is repeated until the last kid wipes it on Engie’s ass as he’s writing out some complicated equations. Everyone in the class giggles.

Meanwhile, Sniper has been cleaning the floors with a new waxer. He discovers a strange trail of slime leading out of and back into someone’s locker, and goes to investigate. He opens the locker and finds Tentaspy sitting in there, chewing on a chocolate bar he must have found from the cafeteria. Sniper closes the locker, cleans the slime from the floor, and then opens it again. Tentaspy waves one of its tentacles at Sniper, who then lowers his aviators to look more closely.

“Jesus Christ.”

EPISODE NINE

Sniper is still leaning over and looking at the baby Tentaspy, who giggles and waves a tentacle in a friendly manner. Sniper shakes his head and goes to close the locker door.

“No, mate, I know your type.”

He opens the door.

“You go an’ rape people just because you can.”

He closes the door.

“But you are kinda cute.”

He pauses, then opens it again. The baby Tentaspy sniffles. Sniper’s lower lip trembles and he picks it up out of the locker and puts it into his bucket full of water. It splashes around and he tells it to be quiet or else he’ll just toss it out the window.

Cue a shot of Engie’s class, where he has taken Pyro and Scout into the hallway to reprimand them about passing slime around the classroom. He then reprimands them even more for ruining his new pair of overalls. Scout comments that overalls are for rednecks anyway, prompting Engie to go on a rant about how many PhDs he has. Scout wonders aloud why Engie’s working in a backwater school if he’s got so many degrees. Engie bites his lip and sniffles loudly while looking into space vacantly. Pyro feels bad.

Sniper and Tentaspy then pass the three of them in the hallway. Pyro, Scout, and Engie all stop to look at the baby in the bucket. Sniper whistles as he walks by, waving to Engie for once. Engie blushes a little and waves back shyly. Scout pauses a minute before he realizes that the baby Tentaspy was basically stolen.

“YOU FAGGOT!”

Scout tries to flag Sniper down, but he has already picked up the Tentaspy and has begun to run away with it. Pyro shrugs at Engie, who is still standing there dumbly, and follows Scout. Sniper heads out the back door into the soccer field, interrupting the big game of the season and trailing slime everywhere. He yells to Scout that it’s his Tentaspy now because he’s the only one who can take care of it right. Scout asks how the hell Sniper knows how to take care of a mutant. Baby Tentaspy hears this and starts to cry, crippling the two of them and everyone else on the field. Everyone falls to their knees and covers their ears.

Pyro is shown leading Engie outside just in time for the crying to stop. While everyone is still recovering from the death-cry, Pyro quickly scoops up the Tentaspy and shows it to Scout. Scout gives Pyro a thumbs up. Pyro then begins to run to Scout’s house, holding the Tentaspy out in front of him so he doesn’t get slime all over his clothes.

Scout runs after Pyro, but not before kicking Sniper in the groin and calling him a baby-stealing lunatic. Engie rushes over to help Sniper up, and suggests that they go after those crazy kids. Sniper nods and they both rush after Pyro and Scout. The soccer players all want to go home.

Cut to a shot of Soldier and Heavy sitting in lounge chairs on the front lawn. Soldier is trying to get a tan. Scout and Pyro come barreling down the hillside, yelling and holding the baby Tentaspy up in the air. Soldier sits up and tries to see what’s going on, spotting Engie and Sniper coming up on the horizon.

SEASON FINALE

I NEED IT

No more?:(

it is so not the finale.the finale has to be with someone in the hospital and an affair and some other stuff like that.oh and someone dies.it's all the same with sitcoms.

[but i have hopes for this one]

>>9 The finale should be like that, but then at the very end, someone wakes up...and the entire thing was a dream! Oh, and someone has to have a spin-off show in Paris.

EPISODE TEN


Scout and Pyro get closer to Soldier and Heavy, Pyro beginning to wave Tentaspy around in the air wildly. Tentaspy looks a bit ill because of it. Soldier jumps up and starts yelling for them to stop running, his sunglasses falling off his face to reveal an embarrassing tanline. Heavy tells Soldier to let kids run because that’s what kids do, but Soldier comments on the appearance of baby Tentaspy. Heavy remembers that they had to hide baby Tentaspy from Soldier when it was first discovered, and jumps up as well, shouting for Pyro and Scout to run somewhere else before Soldier sees the Tentaspy and does something awful.

Scout and Pyro keep running anyway, and come to a halt once they reach Soldier and Heavy. Scout points to the horizon and says that Sniper and Engie have gone batshit and are trying to steal the baby, while Pyro hugs Tentaspy and lets out a sad sigh. Tentaspy looks at Soldier cutely, putting its hands on its cheeks and giggling. Soldier lifts up his helmet a little and stares, saying nothing. He is briefly reminded of Scout’s childhood.

Fade to a flashback, where Scout’s mom is holding a baby Scout and smiling. Scout looks at Soldier the same way the Tentaspy did and giggles. Soldier is shown, looking happy and not mentally unstable.

Cut to a shot of the present again, where Soldier has begun to stare at Scout, who fidgets around nervously for a few seconds. Heavy says nothing. A tear forms in Soldier’s eye and he says to Scout that they have to protect this baby freak of nature. He takes his helmet off and turns it upside down, taking Tentaspy from Pyro and putting it into the helmet. He sets the helmet in the grass and tells Tentaspy to stay put until the ass-kicking is over. Scout and Pyro run over to the helmet as well, crouching in the grass and watching, giving each other hi-fives. Soldier and Heavy raise their fists and look threatening as Sniper and Engie reach the backyard. A brief shot is shown, consisting of Scout calling Medic and saying that he should come over real quick ‘cause there was some serious carnage about to go down.

Sniper and Engie say that they’ve come for the baby Tentaspy. Soldier says that they couldn’t take care of a baby if their lives depended on it. Sniper seems very offended by this and goes to punch Soldier. Soldier dodges and tosses Sniper to the grass with a pro-wrestling move and makes an unnecessary comment about his Australian heritage. Engie and Heavy pause briefly and feel awkward about it before starting to fight with each other.

Medic arrives at the scene a bit later, and tells everyone to halt with an authoritative and very loud megaphone. They all pause. The camera moves to Engie and Heavy: Heavy has lifted Engie into the air as though he’s about to throw him. The camera then moves to Sniper and Soldier: Sniper has Soldier in a headlock and is giving him what looks like a noogie with extremely dirty knuckles. Finally, the camera gives us a shot of Scout and Pyro, who had made popcorn and were sharing it with the Tentaspy. Medic comments on how they’re all idiots, and herds everyone inside.

Cut to a shot of Soldier’s living room, where everyone is sitting in a circle on ottomans. Medic has a clipboard and is apparently conducting a faux-psychiatric evaluation. He asks everyone to explore their pasts and think of what would make them so angry and violent. Scout and Pyro roll their eyes at each other and grab Tentaspy from the helmet and sneak outside. No one seems to notice.

Soldier begins by commenting that it hurt him that he never got into the army for real. He then tries to make himself seem manlier by saying he was a damn good soldier without anyone’s help. He pauses and sniffles into a handkerchief. Snot dribbling from his nose, he tells everyone that what hurt him most of all was that Scout’s mother left him for a “French faggot” and doesn’t call very much anymore. Soldier then says that he wishes he could be a better father for Scout, even though he’s an insufferable little brat. Heavy pats Soldier on the shoulder lightly, and then begins his story.

He says that he wishes he wasn’t sent to Russia when he was a child, because he missed out on quality time with Soldier, his only sibling. He also comments on the lack of sandwiches in Russia, something that made him very sad. Soldier asks Heavy why he was sent to Russia in the first place, to which Heavy replies that he has no idea. A brief shot of Medic is shown: he is taking fake notes and checking Heavy out. Mostly checking Heavy out.

Engie adjusts his hardhat and laments that he works for the school, saying that it’s stupid and that he knows he’s destined for better work. He then recalls the time the government came and confiscated his plans for something called a “sentry” that he had invented. He pounds his hand into his fist as he curses the army, saying that they’re going to need a sentry someday and when they do, he won’t build one for them. He also remarks, quietly, that it makes him angry that Scout and Pyro throw eggs at his car even though he read in an issue of Seventeen magazine that egg yolks help make your car shinier.

The camera pans to Sniper dramatically as he takes off his hat and looks at the ground. Everyone looks at him very seriously. He talks about his younger years in Australia, where one day he found an abandoned Koala. He felt bad for it so he took it under his wing, teaching it the ways of the warrior and even showing it how to shoot a gun. He tells everyone he named the koala Anne, after his sister-in-law for reasons he doesn’t explain. A few quick flashback shots are shown, mostly of Sniper and Anne chillin’ and havin’ a good time in Australia together. Sniper says he was with Anne for 5 years, almost to the day. His expression saddens as he grips his hat a little harder, explaining that Anne was killed by a kangaroo. Fade to a scene where a kangaroo is shown kicking Anne in the gut, then to one of Sniper punching the kangaroo in the face.

Sniper says he buried Anne under her favorite eucalyptus tree, then flew to America to escape the bad memories and start a new life. He also says that he took the kangaroo’s body on the plane in a suitcase as carry-on luggage, and once in his new home put it into his fridge. He isn’t sure why, but he felt like it was what he had to do.

The camera pans around to everyone’s faces. They all look shocked, horrified, and suddenly aware of what sort of man Sniper is.

Fade to Sniper’s living room, where the picture on the mantelpiece is finally shown in its entirety: it’s a picture of Sniper, holding Anne and smiling at the camera.

Engie puts a comforting hand on Sniper’s and they look at each other. Sniper smiles a little and Engie blushes.

Medic clears his throat and says that the examination is over and that they’re all fucking crazy. He then invites Heavy to his car for a different sort of examination. Heavy’s eyes light up and he says yes, waving goodbye to Soldier.

Soldier then calls for Demo, who tears ass out of the basement and asks what’s wrong. Soldier tells Demo to go look for Pyro and Scout, and to tell them to get the fuck back into the house because he needs to have a very serious talk with them. Demo looks at Sniper and Engie, who are gazing into each others’ eyes and holding hands, before going into the backyard and calling for the two boys.

Meanwhile, Soldier takes the time to call Scout’s mother over the phone. She asks what the hell he wants and he explains what’s been happening.

“Your son is out of control!” he says angrily.

Cut to a shot of Scout and Pyro hiding behind the couch with the Tentaspy. Scout heard all of Soldier’s conversation and takes it to mean that Soldier doesn’t love him anymore. Offended, he stands up suddenly and calls Soldier a dickhead before running out of the house crying. Pyro says something muffled and tries to stop Scout, but fails.

Soldier says to Pyro that Scout will be back eventually and that he shouldn’t worry. Demo wanders back in and grabs Pyro by the collar, holding him up and loudly proclaiming that he found one of the kids. Soldier facepalms while Tentaspy giggles.

Cut to a shot several hours later, after the sun had set. They are all in Soldier’s house for one reason or another. Sniper and Engie are playing with baby Tentaspy and look very happy. Demo is drinking with Heavy and Medic, who are basically groping each other in front of everyone. Soldier asks Pyro if he knows where Scout is. Pyro shrugs angrily and says that he wouldn’t know, because he hasn’t went looking for him like he wanted to. Soldier doesn’t understand a word and calls Scout’s mother again, telling her that she should come over asap because her stupid son is missing.

Spy and Scout’s mom arrive in their car a bit later, Scout’s mom crying and dabbing at her eyes as she asks Soldier why he wasn’t watching Scout. Soldier just shrugs and rubs the back of his neck. Spy lights a cigarette and calls Soldier a bad father in a back-hand sort of way.

Soldier gets everyone’s attention and says that they’re all going to search for Scout until they either find him or they all die. He hands out flashlights and tells everyone to get going.

Cut to a shot of the park, where Scout had hidden in some bushes. He looks like he has been crying and his knees are all scraped up, suggesting he had to crawl a long way to get into the bushes in the first place. He says something about Soldier being a shithead and how he wishes he lived with his mom.

Fade to everyone searching for Scout, calling his name loudly and looking in all the odd places in the neighborhood. Soldier is shown doing this for a while before suddenly getting an idea and dashing off, leaving everyone to keep searching.

Soldier finds Scout in the bushes, causing Scout to curse loudly and wave his arms wildly at Soldier, telling him to get the fuck away.

Scout then asks how the hell Soldier found him. Soldier says Scout hid here all the time when he was a kid, looking proud for remembering such information. Scout starts to sniffle again. Soldier asks what’s wrong.

“You fuckin’ hate me.”
“No I don’t, son! You just… get on my nerves sometimes.”
“Why the fuck did they give you custody, anyway?”
“Because Spy hates kids.”

Scout starts to sob a little bit, and Soldier puts his arm around him. Scout tries to wiggle away.

“Scout, no matter what anyone says you’re my son and I love you!”
“Yeah right, you gay. You’re the worst fuckin’ dad in the world.”

Soldier’s face falls and he sighs. He then explains to Scout that even though he doesn’t know much about kids or how to care for them, and even though he goes to buy alcohol instead of things Scout can drink, he still loves him. Scout looks at Soldier and nods a little bit, accepting this explanation and hugging him. Scout then falls asleep, and Soldier carries him out of the bushes and back to the house.

Soldier says he’s found Scout and everyone breathes a sigh of relief, except for Spy who still hates kids. Scout’s mother hugs Soldier and thanks him for finding Scout, giving both of them a kiss on the cheek. As Soldier puts Scout to bed, Scout’s mother and Spy crash on the couch for the night. Pyro waves goodbye and goes back to his house, Heavy goes with Medic to the clinic for further examining, Engie and Sniper take baby Tentaspy to Sniper’s house, and Demo sleeps in the basement as usual.

Cut to a shot of the next day, where everyone is having a barbeque in Soldier’s backyard. Demo is playing drunken pin the tail on the donkey with Scout’s mom, who is egging him on and seems to be having a great time contributing to Demo’s broken liver. Spy is having a chat with Engie about that lovely baby Tentaspy of his, appearing to be hitting on both Engie and Tentaspy at the same time. Engie looks repulsed and says the baby isn’t for sale. Sniper is apologizing to Soldier about the fight they had the other day, and shakes his hand. Soldier says he is sorry as well, but says he still thinks that Sniper is a dirty Aussie. Medic is trying to convince Heavy to get Scout to come to the office more often, but Heavy says that Scout is perfectly healthy. Medic comments that even young boys can get prostate cancer. Heavy looks at Medic funny. Medic doesn’t seem to know that he’s said anything wrong.

The camera finally shows Scout and Pyro, who are playing catch with each other. Scout says that this family is pretty fucked up, and Pyro tells Scout to be thankful his parents don’t wear hazmat suits. Scout says “amen, brotha,” and goes to the grill to grab a hot dog.

A remixed version of “We Go Together” starts playing, as the camera focuses on each person one by one. When the lyrics start everyone joins in with the singing, walking down the street of the neighborhood and hi-fiving each other. The musical montage lasts until the lyrics stop, and ends with everyone jumping into the air happily and freeze-framing in place as the credits roll. The music segues into “We Are Family”.

When the credits end, an epilogue is shown, possibly what the 2nd season will entail: Sniper and Engie attending Tentaspy’s tapdancing routine for the school play, Scout and Pyro tossing flaming eggs at Engie’s car instead of normal ones, Heavy becoming Medic’s nurse at the clinic, and Soldier and Demo getting a little closer than they thought they would. Scout’s mom and Spy are shown, as well, Scout’s mom appearing to re-think her engagement to him.

A final shot is shown of everyone coming down from the freezeframe and group-hugging. Except for Spy who’s sort of an asshole.

-SEASON ONE END-

Beautiful.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry :'-(

Oh man, I need season 2 already.

I LOVE YOU.

I want to see Heavy in nurse outfit. Love this so much.

Get this man an Emmy.

I like the last sentence~!

MORE.
That is all.

Nurse Heavy: "If you are good, I give you leetle lollipop! Leetle lollipop for leeeeetle man!"

Yessss.
You're finally using my tapdancing idea. >:C

Tentaspy is a prodigy.
So yes, I am also awaiting this glorious season two.

Who...wha..WHAT ARE YOU!?!?

D': There also needs to be more EngieXSniper for the next season, kay?

Marry me.

God I love you!
Renew the contract! Don't start up again in fall for the sake of all that is good!

wonderful!will definitely tune in for season two.

YOU ARE MY HERO

This has to be the best goddamn thing I have ever read ANYWHERE

Except for Spy who’s sort of an asshole.Best last line ever. Goddamn

This is literary art right here.

This ought to replace every show on television right now.

The scene opens with a shot of Scout’s backyard, where Soldier is shooting birds from trees. He mumbles to himself that they’re annoying pests, much like everyone else in his life, and proceeds to shoot one right in the head. It falls with a dull thud and Demoman promptly retrieves it and puts it in a bucket behind Soldier marked “Killins”. Demoman is wearing a dog costume.

Meanwhile, Scout is batting at imaginary baseballs, pretending they are the heads of his father and of Spy. This causes him to swing so hard he hits himself in the back of the head with the bat more than a few times. There is a small lump forming on the back of his head, which Sniper is looking at through the window of his home. The camera zooms in on Sniper just as he disappears into the ether of his dirty household.

Pyro is shown rushing into Scout’s yard suddenly, waving his arms around in a frenzied way and shouting loudly. Scout starts a swing just as Pyro is in range, and, unable to stop the bat, accidentally hits his friend in the head. Scout curses loudly and brings his hands to his mouth, letting go of the bat in the process. The bat hits Soldier in the helmet, and as he falls backward from the shock he takes Demoman down with him. They both hit each others’ heads and black out. Pyro, as well, has passed out. Scout looks around to see if there were any witnesses, and lays in the grass himself, pretending to be knocked out as well, figuring that no one will blame him if everyone was found unconscious.

Pyro’s parents are shown talking to each other and gesturing to some pictures over the fireplace: an astronaut, a motorcyclist, a deep-sea diver, and others. Presumably, they are Pyro’s relatives. Pyro’s parents seem to be arguing with each other now, and as Pyro’s father points to all the party decorations outside it is assumed that they are holding some sort of gathering.

Back in Scout’s backyard, he is shown trying to rouse Pyro by poking at his mask. He nervously glances over at Solider and Demoman, who are still very passed out and on top of each other in a very suggestive way. Scout bites his nails and tries to wake Pyro by rubbing his hands all over Pyro’s head. His mask’s rubbery squeaks wake Pyro up, who rubs his head and asks what happened. Scout says he’s got no idea and grabs Pyro by the hand, running out of the yard and to safety. Scout explains to Pyro that he doesn’t want to be around when Soldier wakes up and finds a black man on top of him. Pyro asks why it matters that he’s black. Scout replies that it really doesn’t, it’s just that his dad’s a dickhead. Pyro accepts this explanation.

In Pyro’s backyard, he and Scout hide behind some bushes. Pyro points to his parents, who are now arguing on the deck and are kicking each other in the shins while gesturing to the beer cooler. Pyro says that they’re having a family reunion today and his parents aren’t feeling so good about it. Scout wonders why, since Pyro’s parents are freakin’ rich, and Pyro explains that his uncles are much more successful. In fact, one is a deep-sea diver who discovered an assload of buried treasure. Pyro pats Scout on the shoulder and serious music begins to play.

Scout stares at Pyro for a long moment before asking what the fuck is up. Pyro says that he’s anxious about his cousin coming over, the son of the deep-sea divers. Scout asks why. Pyro shakes his head and says just his name:

Hydro.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Hoo hoo hoo.
Hydro's quite the character too, you guys.

Hydro
LOLING FOREVER

FUCK YEAH, season 2!

SEASON 2 IS HERE.
TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY.

:D THIS IS GOOD NEWS.

THIS IS THE BEST SITCOM EVER.

EPISODE 2

The episode begins with a shot of Pyro’s family reunion in full swing. The camera pans around to show some of his relatives: the astronaut, deep-sea diver, and motorcyclist are all there, as well as a fumigator, a professional fencer, a welder with his mask still on, and many other masked weirdos.

The motorcyclist gives Pyro a model of a motorcycle and pats him on the head, Pyro looking very pleased. Scout is there, too, and says that Pyro has some cool-ass relatives, but they’re still sort of creepy. He then asks where Hydro is.

Pyro shugs and seems a little angry, huffing loudly inside his mask. Scout wanders off to get some punch and tells Pyro to forget he ever said anything.

Cut to a shot of Soldier’s living room, where he and Demoman are sitting in awkward silence.

Soldier flashbacks about the happenings of yesterday: He wakes up and sees Demoman still passed out and laying on top of him. Soldier blushes and looks at him for a long moment, admiring how great he looks even in a dog costume. He considers giving Demoman a raise. He then rolls Demoman off of him onto the grass, and looks at him some more, licking his lips. He wonders if he tastes like chocolate.

Then there is a shot of Demoman, who also flashbacks about his version of yesterday: He is shown drinking in the morning, donning the dog costume, and drunkenly gathering birds for Soldier. He doesn’t seem to remember being on top of Soldier because he was too drunk. He only feels awkward because he wants to ask for a raise but doesn’t think Soldier will give it to him.

The clock ticks loudly as a last shot is shown of them sitting in the living room.

Back at the party, Pyro is nowhere to be seen as Hydro arrives with his parents. He is Pyro’s height, but wearing a full deep-sea diving costume. The other deep-sea diver is his uncle.

Hydro looks around and spots Scout, and quickly goes over to say hi. Scout purses his lips and sort of understands him, since he talks just like Pyro except a bit more watery. Scout then says hi and says that he’s got a cool helmet. Hydro says that it’s real and that he’s used it to deep-sea dive before. Scout replies that he hopes so; otherwise it’d be really stupid to just wear it.

Pyro returns from the bathroom and freezes when he sees Hydro talking to Scout. He hides behind a tree near them and listens in on their conversation, sweating heavily under his mask. He grips the tree so hard he scrapes a little bit of the bark off.

Hydro says that Scout has a very nice body. Scout says that he runs a lot, mostly away from his dad, but he likes to do it anyway because it gives him a rush. Hydro moves a little closer to Scout as the music becomes a cross between heartwarming and horror movie-esque. Pyro clenches his fist from behind the tree and starts yelling “noooo!” very softly. Scout doesn’t hear him.

Hydro puts a hand on Scout’s shoulder and says that he’s got nice shoulders as well; he’d be able to carry an oxygen tank really easily. Scout awkwardly thanks him again, taking a sip from the punch. Hydro is, presumably, looking straight into Scout’s eyes. Pyro almost throws up in his mask.

Scout stands there for a moment, not knowing what else to do, his eyes wide with fear. Hydro leans in and bumps his mask against Scout’s face, trying to give him a kiss. Scout opens his mouth a little as the mask digs into his cheek, as though to scream silently in horror. Pyro jumps out from behind the bushes, waving his arms wildly before tackling Hydro to the ground and punching him in the helmet. There is a small gasp from the group of adults as they all try to pry Pyro from Hydro.

Pyro’s father finally gets Pyro off, holding him up in the air as Pyro continues to make punching motions. Scout takes a sip of his punch and stares into the distance, eyes glazed over in what can only be called “why does this shit always happen to me”.

Cut to a shot of Scout walking home with Pyro later on in the evening. Pyro says that when he gets back his father is going to be really, really angry and Pyro might not make it out alive. He then says that Scout can have all his stuff if that’s the case. Scout thanks Pyro and gives him a brohug, telling him to go shove Hydro into an ocean or something.

Pyro shuffles home alone, hanging his head in shame and disappointment. He thinks about how much he hates Hydro and his watery ways, and decides that he’ll apologize profusely to his father. When he gets to the door he opens it and sees his parents sitting at the dinner table, looking very serious. They ask him to sit down, and the camera pans out of the house ominously as Pyro closes the door behind him.

Back at Scout’s house, Soldier tells Scout that they’re going on a road trip with Scout’s mom. Scout asks if Spy is coming and Soldier shrugs. Demoman says that he’s coming, to which Scout replies that’s really not a comforting thing at all. Heavy opens the door, coming home after a long day of “work” at the clinic with Medic. He says that he’s going along too, and asks if Medic can come. Soldier says of course.

Sniper, who had been using his new spying gadgets, remarks that he can now hear the conversations Soldier’s been having. Engineer is playing with the baby Tentaspy and tells Sniper to stop being such a “dang creep”. Sniper shrugs and says that they should ask to come on the road trip, too. Engineer asks why. Sniper says just because.

Finally, there is a shot of Scout’s mother and Spy. She is packing for the trip while he is pacing around the room and smoking furiously. He asks her if she’s serious about going, and she replies that she wants to spend time with her son. Spy says that he’s going to have to go as well so that Soldier won’t try anything stupid.

Scout’s mom remarks that he’s way too suspicious.

The episode ends with a shot of him frowning deeply and putting another cigarette into his mouth before the second one is finished.

Oh man, I'm on the edge of my seat for the next part!

8' DDD

"He wonders if he tastes like chocolate."

FUCK YES.

Yes. Engie and Sniper should go on the camping trip.... and share a tent. <3

I'll just leave this here.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/18883/saturday-night-live-canteen-boy-and-the-scoutmaster

>>44

GOOD TIMES! Oh man, that totally Scout and Sniper

Hydro puts a hand on Scout’s shoulder and says that he’s got nice shoulders as well; he’d be able to carry an oxygen tank really easily
Most (lol, I typed "moist" first) awesome creepy pickup line ever.

Whoa, this is AWESOME. I can't wait for the next episode :D

EPISODE 3

The episode begins with a shot of Soldier loading suitcases into their car. Scout looks like he wants to die, and mentions to Soldier several times that going to visit Medic would be better than this. Soldier tells Scout to sit if he doesn’t want to stand anymore, totally missing Scout’s point. Demoman comes out of the house, replying that he’s locked everything securely. Soldier looks up and thanks him, moving his helmet out of the way for a moment to look into Demoman’s eyes. Demoman stares back in the way deer do when they’re about to get hit by a car.

Sniper and Engineer come out of their house, Sniper waving to Soldier and Engineer holding Tentaspy in his arms. Tentaspy has his tentacles wrapped around Engineer’s overalls and is trying to unclasp them. Soldier looks at Sniper, who explains that if they’re going camping they can just use his campervan. Soldier asks what the catch is. Sniper replies that they want to go along with them, since they want the Tentaspy to know what it’s like in the harsh, unforgiving outdoors. Scout gulps once he hears the words harsh and unforgiving, and looks up at Soldier, seeming to be scared.

Soldier tells Scout to stop being a pussy before turning to Sniper and crossing his arms authoritatively.

“You’re going to bring THAT with you?” Soldier points at the Tentaspy.
“He won’t harm anyone. He just slimes on stuff a lot…”

Soldier stares at the Tentaspy. Tentaspy looks at Soldier and waves a tentacle. Scout gags a little but calls it cute anyway.

After a moment of deliberation, Soldier decides that a campervan could be beneficial. He says that Engineer, Tentaspy, and Sniper can go with them. Sniper hi-fives Engineer, whose overalls are around his ankles at this point. He’s wearing boxers with a lasso pattern.

Medic and Heavy pull into the driveway, saying they’ve bought the necessary medical supplies. Medic makes an off-hand remark about how it’ll be useful to study Scout if he gets any injuries out in the wilderness, rubbing his hands together and hunching over a little. Scout looks at Medic with wide eyes, and suddenly realizes that he’s just like the villains on his favorite cartoon. He immediately backs away a few paces, out of Medic’s line of sight. Heavy puts a hand on Medic’s shoulder and says that Scout hardly ever gets hurt when he’s out playing. He then leans over and whispers that Scout mostly only gets hurt when Soldier’s around.

Scout’s mother finally arrives and gets out of the car, giving Scout a big hug and a kiss. Scout says hell yeah, and his mother tells him to watch his mouth in a non-authoritative way. Soldier is poised for a hug from her, as well. She looks at Soldier sternly and offers him a handshake, which wasn’t exactly what it was hoping for. She salutes him before marching off to greet everyone else. Scout laughs at Soldier and calls him a loser, saying he really fucked it up with a hot lady. Soldier hangs his head sadly.

Spy then gets out of the car, as well, closing the door slowly while glaring at everyone else. He adjusts his tie and as he gets closer, he pretends to be friendly, greeting Scout with a friendly “hey, sport” and a pat on the head. Scout sticks his tongue out when Spy’s back is turned. Spy then shakes Soldier’s hand, saying he’s raised a lovely young boy, and he can certainly see why Scout’s mother left him. Soldier is confused by such a back-handed compliment. Demoman shakes Spy’s hand as well. Spy smells the alcohol and figures he’s too drunk to understand any double-edged compliments anyway. Spy then sees the Tentaspy, and he smiles for real and his eyes get wide. He brings a hand to his mouth, saying something about how it’s that lovely young specimen he saw before. He immediately goes over to Sniper and Engineer to try and schmooze his way into buying it.

They all pile into Sniper’s campervan after arranging their luggage accordingly. Soldier is driving. Scout sits in one of the way back seats, sighing and saying how he wishes Pyro were there. Suddenly, Pyro bangs on the back door of the van, looking frantic and shouting something wildly. Scout opens it and Pyro falls in, shutting it behind him and telling Soldier to step on it. Soldier asks Scout what the fuck he just said, and Scout screams at Soldier to put the pedal to the metal. Soldier does so, tearing out of the driveway and down the street, onto their destination.

Pyro looks out the window behind him with Scout, and as they see Pyro’s parents chasing after them, they both giggle.

“You were in deep shit, man.”

THAT WAS AWESOME.
I MUST KNOW MORE.
PLEASE CONTINUE, GOOD SIR.

THAT WAS AWESOME.
I MUST KNOW MORE.
PLEASE CONTINUE, GOOD SIR.

Someone should Gmod this.

Please keep up with the awesome.

moving his helmet out of the way for a moment to look into Demoman’s eyes.
I think you mean "eye."

How much do you think a baby Tentaspy would be going for anyways? Couple hundred bucks or something?

THIS IS AMAZING. PROCEED.

This is utterly perfect. You need to get a name.

"Spy then shakes Soldier’s hand, saying he’s raised a lovely young boy, and he can certainly see why Scout’s mother left him."


I burst out laughing at this part and everyone stared at me. CONTINUE.

Just... wonderful <3
U-uh. Could I maybe um, make this a comic? o__o

>>57
I would be thoroughly honored!

anachronisms

----

EPISODE 4

The scene opens with a shot of the back of Sniper’s campervan, where everyone is either sitting or not. Scout and Pyro are particularly engaged in their game of cards in the way back of the van. Scout wins every time because Pyro doesn’t actually know how to play. Meanwhile, every so often Medic is reprimanding them and telling them to get their ‘arsches’ into some actual seats before Scout’s awful driver of a father crashes the van.

Soldier turns around to yell at Medic, saying that he doesn’t want that sort of language used around his son. Scout crosses his arms and nods, remarking “Yeah, fucker”. While Demoman grabs onto the wheel and steers for dear life, Soldier takes his sweet time turning around to watch the road. He glares at Medic a little while longer before facing the road again and trying to look like a man who knows how to drive.

Medic sighs and gives up, taking out an issue of “Doctoring Monthly” and reading through it. He chuckles occasionally and nudges Heavy, pointing to one article or another and generally mocking the breakthroughs of modern medicine. He thinks they’re not doing it right. Heavy nods and pretends to understand, though in reality he’s deathly afraid of needles and there are pictures of those on almost every page. He considers sitting next to someone else after they get to a rest stop.

Engineer is sitting next to Heavy, holding the baby Tentaspy in his arms and guarding it jealously from Spy, who is sitting across from them and staring. Spy, much like Medic, is nudging Scout’s mom in the arm every so often to make a comment about how the Tentaspy is so interesting and alluring and how maybe they could buy it if they offered enough money. Scout’s mother is busy doing her nails, and even though it’s sort of a bumpy ride she hasn’t messed up once. Sniper is watching her in awe, glancing at his own nails and thinking that he should probably ask her what her secret it. Baby Tentaspy is waving at Spy, unaware that he’s basically a creep.

Up in the front of the van, Demoman and Soldier are sitting in mostly silence. (Soldier takes the time to berate the other drivers.) Demoman glances at Soldier, his eye looking like a lover scorned. He takes a swig from his trusty flask and looks ahead again, thinking about how miserable it is to be maid to a man who doesn’t know you love him.

Soldier’s too busy looking in the rearview mirror at Scout’s mom. He bites his lower lip as he bats his eyelashes at her even though she can’t see him, and grips the steering wheel a little tighter. He mumbles something about filthy spies and their chloroform rags, stealing all the women and brainwashing them. Demoman, seeing that Soldier doesn’t have his eyes on the road /again/, puts a hand on the steering wheel to steady it. This doesn’t prove to be particularly effective, since Demoman is already drunk.

There is a short musical montage showing the antics of Soldier’s crappy driving, and everyone else being generally amused and/or scared for their lives.

Eventually, Soldier stops the van, seemingly in the middle of the desert, and everyone gets out. There’s a muffled yell of ‘aw, yeah!’ and a high-five as Scout and Pyro see where they’ve ended up.

Roswell.

Soldier says they’re going to spend the night here, and Scout’s mom becomes hopeful and looks around for a hotel. Soldier laughs and pats her on the shoulder, replying that they’re going to sleep in the van since there’s enough room. Her face falls and she stomps off to use the ladies’ room in the souvenir shop.

Engineer cuddles baby Tentaspy, who is sort of scared of all these aliens. Engineer tries to comfort him by saying that they aren’t real, but Tentaspy won’t listen. Sniper tries to help, as well, saying that anal probes don’t really exist and if they did they certainly wouldn’t know where to put one on Tentaspy. This doesn’t help at all, and Tentaspy cries “Sentwy down!” much like Engineer does and begins to sob. Engineer’s face goes pale.

There’s a flashback to some night after Engineer had moved in with Sniper. They’re both sleeping soundly until Engineer jerks awake and yells “SENTRY DOWN!” sweating and pale. Sniper wakes up as well, rubbing his back and holding him. Engineer has begun sobbing into Sniper’s chest. The camera moves to Tentaspy’s room, where he was awoken as well and heard the whole thing. He looks sad and is wiping tears from his eyes with a tentacle as he mutters “sentwy down…”

Cut to Roswell again. Sniper takes baby Tentaspy from Engineer as he runs off sobbing, going into the ladies’ bathroom as well. Sniper sets Tentaspy down and becomes very serious, saying that sentries are very important things and you shouldn’t ever say ‘sentry down’ unless a sentry’s actually down. Tentaspy, ashamed, says nothing.

Sniper picks him up again and carries him to the gift shop, comforting him and saying that they’re just going to apologize and it’ll be okay.

Meanwhile, Medic has been examining a large statue of an alien and commenting on it might be likely. Speaking to Heavy, he points out the similarities between aliens and humans and says that they may indeed be walking among them at this very moment. Heavy, as usual when he hangs around Medic, looks scared and in awe. Heavy asks if there are aliens around this area right now. Medic glances around before whispering “maybe”. Heavy gasps and covers his mouth, convinced that someone on the trip with them is from outer space.

While everyone migrates into the museum or gift shop, Scout and Pyro stay outside, laying in the dirt and looking up at the sky.

“Pyro, man, do you think aliens are gonna come visit tonight?”
“Mmhph mhph.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

There is an ominous shot of Spy, who is smoking and looking out a window at Scout and Pyro. He mutters to himself that he’s going to get rid of them once and for all. They’re all that’s between him and Scout’s mother.

And Soldier is, too, but Spy says he can take care of that another day.

TO BE CONTINUED…

“sentwy down…”

Tentaspy is so cute! All I can do is just keep saying "Aaaaw!"

Fuck, this is glorious. Never stop.

oh god I love this

YES!! just what i needed after work!

whoever writes this? i love ya, man. i love ya.

CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NIGHT TIME SHENANIGANS TO BEGIN!

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO SCOOTY BOY AND PYRO? I must also know if Engie will be happy again.

This is like those awesome television shows that only come on once a week and you can't wait for the next time it airs again.

this continues to be incredible.well done.

I WAS WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS <333 I'm so happy it was updated. Awesome job, the wait was well worth it. Thanks so much Anon

i read the the character roles and instantly smiled~!
end of episode 5 made me giggle. i snorted out my water at the beginning of chapter 9
oh man, I love this! can't wait for the next episode!

I love how you make Pyro completely indecipherable.
Seconding the cries for more.

:D i just read all of this and im 100% sure I have a new favorite fanfic :3 awesome job! cant wait for the next episode!

Ohmygod. I'm so glad I read this. It made me laugh out loud throughout. I love you, Anon.

Strangely, it reminded me of Spaced a wee bit. <3 SNIPER = BRIAN. I busted a gut at the explanation of Anne.

"saying that sentries are very important things and you shouldn’t ever say ‘sentry down’ unless a sentry’s actually down. Tentaspy, ashamed, says nothing."

MGKLDJGALDSjA. MORE, I CRY!

Every time this is bumped and there's no new sitcom episode, I cry a little on the inside.

i follow all the motions requesting for more! every word of this fic is pure gold.

EPISODE 5

It is nightfall, and most everyone is asleep. The lights in the Roswell souvenir shop are still on even though there’s no one in there, contributing to the strange glow the place seems to be covered in. Most of the members of the team are in the van, sleeping either in a reclined chair or on the floor completely. Soldier, most dangerously, has chosen to sleep in the driver’s seat, and has his feet resting on the wheel. He’s twitching lightly and grumbling about ‘stupid fruity spies’, making swatting motions with his hand. It’s safe to assume he’s having a slap-fight in his dreams.

Everyone else seems to be having a sound sleep, but there are a few members missing: Pyro, Scout, and Tentaspy. The music becomes a bit more mysterious as the camera shows their absence.

But there is a quick cut to a shot of Pyro and Scout, who are laying in the dirt near the tent that Spy and Scout’s mother are sleeping in. (Spy refused to sleep in a van of any sort, saying it was very unsanitary and he needed beauty rest and too many people in there snore and they’re just awful to be around, really.) There is a shot of Pyro and Scout as they shiver in the cold night air. They’re both awake with their eyes open (but this is only assumed, since Pyro’s eyes aren’t visible), and they’re both looking at the sky.

Scout asks if Pyro’s awake. Pyro says yes and asks if Scout’s awake. Scout replies in the affirmative.

He then asks Pyro if he’s seen any aliens so far, and Pyro shakes his head. Suddenly, there is a strange squelching noise in the distance. Scout and Pyro sit bolt upright immediately, looking at each other before scurrying around a rather large cactus. Scout’s muttering “holyshitholyshit” the whole time while Pyro is making indecipherable gasping noises. They calm down and wait for any more signs of danger, holding onto each other and shaking.

The lights in the souvenir shop flicker violently as the squelching starts up again, followed by a small, loud shriek. Soon after the sound of meat slapping up the building begins, and continues for quite some time. Scout and Pyro are absolutely horrified by this and are doing all in their power to stop themselves from screaming/wetting themselves: Scout has his hand over his mouth and Pyro has his hand over his crotch area.

Meanwhile, back in the van, Sniper has awoken. He stretches and rubs his eyes, reaching over to touch the area where Tentaspy was put down for bed. He feels the usual slimy residue and figures that Tentaspy’s still sleeping peacefully. Engineer is awoken by Sniper’s stirring, and realizes with a certain amount of embarrassment that he fell asleep with his goggles on again. Sniper whispers that he thinks it’s a cute habit and pulls Engineer’s goggles off for him. They both look into their eyes and Engineer bumps his elbow into someone’s iPod. It turns on and “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol begins to play as Sniper and Engineer begin to kiss deeply, their lips smacking together noisily and some of the other people in the van beginning to stir as well.

Soldier is the first to wake up completely, since he can sense faggotry no matter what state he’s in. He whips around, turning the wheel with his feet inadvertently and cracking his back. The sharp crunch of sand can be heard under the car’s wheels, startling both Sniper and Engineer. They look at Soldier but they seem to be stuck to each other’s lips, since they continue to kiss noisily. Soldier calls them gay losers and tries his best to whisper, but it comes out as a yell anyway, and not soon after Demoman wakes up. He rubs his eye and tries to take a swig of his scrumpy like clockwork, and looks disappointed when he realizes he’s holding an empty bottle. He asks Soldier what all the ruckus is about, and Soldier just frowns and points to Sniper and Engineer. They have gone back to kissing and are ignoring everyone else completely now.

Demoman looks at them for a long time as the music keeps playing, not willing to admit that it was his iPod and that he was a big fan of songs like that. He looks at Soldier after a moment, his one eye glittering in the moonlight pouring in the window of the van. Soldier quiets down and sits back in his seat, closing one eye and looking back at Demoman. It’s unclear as to whether Soldier is making fun of him or if he’s actually just tired.

As the song reaches it’s chorus again Demoman dives over and kisses Soldier squarely on the lips. Soldier struggles at first, unsure of what to do (it’s been a long time since he’s kissed Scout’s mother), but he relaxes and goes with it. Demoman seems very happy.

The camera shows a shot of the back of the van, with Sniper and Engineer still going at it and Heavy and Medic, who are still asleep but are making out anyway.

Back near the tent, Pyro and Scout have calmed down considerably. There are no signs of any weird noises, and the lights in the shop are behaving normally. Scout asks Pyro if they should go check it out.

“If it’s an alien or somethin’, we gotta protect all the others! They won’t even know what the fuck to do if there’s some scary shit like that, right?”
Pyro nods as Scout continues to talk about how they’re probably the toughest ones of the group. Eventually they decide to go check out what the commotion was all about.

They ease themselves from behind the cactus slowly, just in case, and crouch, walking slowly towards the souvenir shop. Pyro is breathing heavily through his mask again, while Scout has a thousand yard stare-esque look in his eyes. They are both terrified. In the distance, they can hear some sort of music, though they can’t figure out which genre it is, and this scares them even more. Suddenly, they stop tip-toeing and make a mad dash for the store, and once they get there they sidle against the wall and pause to catch their breath.

Scout spots a ladder on the side of the store and gestures to it. Both of them climb to the roof and stop in their tracks once they see they’re not alone.

There is a dark figure crouched in the corner, looking out onto the horizon and not saying anything. Scout asks it what the fuck it’s doing there with a trembling voice. Pyro hides behind Scout and cries softly as the figure stands slowly and turns around, the air distorting around it as the squelches start up again, this time sounding more wet and watery. Scout feels like he’s gonna puke.

Scout and Pyro know the figure is looking at them even though they can’t see its face, and they both begin to scream bloody murder as a bunch of tendrils appear around the figure’s shoulders, waving wildly. Scout picks up a rock from the rooftop and chucks it at the figure before grabbing Pyro and running down the ladder and straight into Scout’s mother’s tent, where they huddle under a blanket with her.

The view shifts back to the rooftop, where the figure is revealed to be Spy. He is holding the baby Tentaspy on his shoulders and was trying to bond with it. Baby Tentaspy giggles as Spy rubs the place where the rock hit him, and mutters about filthy children. He then pats the Tentaspy on the head and decides it’s probably time to bring him back.

As Spy makes his way back to the tent he passes Sniper, who has somehow gotten out of the make out orgy to piss. Spy says hello casually, knowing full well that Sniper doesn’t want Tentaspy to hang out with the likes of Spy. Sniper, still peeing, screams bloody murder and chases after Spy, wearing nothing but his underwear and, mysteriously, his aviators. The shot fades as Sniper chases Spy around, baby Tentaspy giggling and apparently unaware of how serious the situation really is.

Cut to a shot of the next day, early in the morning. Everyone is awake and those who were making out the night before are all extremely tired, except for Medic and Heavy. They are happily preparing breakfast with what little supplies the team had, and are chatting with each other in a most friendly way. Soldier and Demoman are sitting apart, eyeing each other cautiously. Soldier is digging his shoe into the dirt, unsure of what to say. Demoman did indeed taste like chocolate, but Soldier isn’t convinced that’s a topic to discuss over breakfast. Sniper and Engineer are sitting together, Sniper holding Tentaspy protectively and glaring at Spy.

The shot quickly moves to Spy, who is puffing on a cigarette furiously and furrowing his brow. He has two black eyes: one from Scout’s rock and the other from Sniper pummeling him. Scout’s mother is having a chat with Scout and Pyro about the unlikelihood that they say aliens last night, but they aren’t buying it.

They all pile into the van after breakfast and set out on the road again, the episode ending with a dramatic shot of Pyro and Scout looking out the back window at the souvenir shop. They’re convinced that aliens exist on earth.

"Engineer bumps his elbow into someone’s iPod. It turns on and “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol begins to play"
HAHA
Oh man, that was great.

This is awesome and you should feel awesome.

:D im loving these more and more
keep em coming! :3

Man, I laughed so hard during this episode. Keep going please!

To get into the story, I put on that song. It made everything a million times funnier I swear.

I can imagine this all in my head as though I were watching it on TV... and I cannot stop laughing. Bravo, Anon... bravo!

This just keeps getting better and better.

I laughed so fucking hard at Sniper wearing his aviators at night.

Sniper chasing Spy will always amuse me.

Hoho, Sniper and Engie love~ <3

I love this and was so happy to see it updated
also a question for anons, i know in the art sections you can put a thread on watch but is there a way to put stories on watch?

Heavy and Medic, who are still asleep but are making out anyway.I laughed so hard at this ep oh man
also I purpose that Scout and Pyro attempt to make out as well!

seconding >>86

and yay sniper~

I think Scout and Pyro need to do some experimenting in the next episode, if ya know what I mean...

OHGOD MORE PLEASE

"Soldier is the first to wake up completely, since he can sense faggotry no matter what state he’s in." LOLLOLLOL

"Soldier calls them gay losers and tries his best to whisper, but it comes out as a yell anyway" I'd yell-whispered “gay losers” in Soldier’s voice, automatically, upon reading that part I AM A FAGGOT HUMP MY RUMP!

"...and Heavy and Medic, who are still asleep but are making out anyway."

They are so aloof anyway -- what's the difference?

More, please.

*Pokes at the " I AM A FAGGOT HUMP MY RUMP "*

Fade to a scene where a kangaroo is shown kicking Anne in the gut, then to one of Sniper punching the kangaroo in the face.
fuck, why did I laugh so hard?

>>79

Oh god, it does. ecks dee

/r/ing fanart of that scene.

THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK IS TOO LONG.

I can't wait until the next episode!

Please continue these forever!

EPISODE 6

The episode opens with a sweeping view of the van driving down a dusty desert road. Everyone is sitting in silence, some of them looking over at Spy nervously every so often. The camera pants over to him and it's shown that he has two very bad black eyes and isn't happy about them at all. There is a brief flashback showing how he got the black eyes from the previous episode. Scout and Pyro are hanging their heads in the corner of the van, appearing to be sorry about it. They are, however, actually giggling to themselves about how stupid Spy looks.

Before long Soldier speeds haphazardly into a rest stop, claiming loudly that he has to piss. Everyone else agrees with this sentiment and they all pile out of the van and into the poorly-maintained bathrooms. Scout and Pyro just whizz in some trees because they find it more enjoyable and so they have a chance to laugh for real about Spy's eyes.

"Fuck, man, he looks like a goof!" Scout exclaims, nearly losing control of his pee stream.
Pyro echoes the statement within his mask while giggling. It's unclear as to how, exactly, he's peeing.

After they've finished their business the two of them sit down by a tree and watch the people going in and out, making loud and inappropriate comments when they deem necessary. Medic and Heavy come out before long, and Heavy can be heard complaining that the urinals are too small. Medic says that this is a recurring problem that isn't exactly the urinals' fault, and pats Heavy on the shoulder sympathetically. They disappear behind some trees, not having noticed Scout and Pyro, keeping their voices to a minimum.

Their interest piqued, Scout and Pyro decide to see what they're up to. Scout peeks his head around the tree cautiously, only to find Medic and Heavy making out furiously. He isn't surprised, but at the same time he's just not comfortable with it. He tells Pyro what they're doing and suggests they go elsewhere. Pyro agrees.

While they're walking, Scout confesses to Pyro that he's never really kissed anyone before. Pyro turns to him and appears surprised, asking something that sounds like "Really?!"
Scout blushes and says yes again, saying that he just hasn't found the right person to go smooching. Pyro then says something unintelligible, looking proud, to which Scout replies "Your mom doesn't count, dumbass!"

Pyro hangs his head as he and Scout come to a different tree to sit by. They're both silent for the longest time, Pyro believing that Scout is wrong about mom kisses not counting, and Scout thinking that Pyro's an idiot for even considering mom kisses real kisses at all. Scout, after a long moment of inner reflection, speaks up.

"So, you've never kissed anyone before, either, right...?" he says cautiously. Pyro looks at him and nods.
"Since neither of us have done it before, I mean, well, you know..." Scout struggles to find the right words, apparently talking to his feet. "Maybe we could try it out with each other or somethin'. Not gay or anythin', just for practice."

There is another pause as Pyro looks at Scout deeply, and though his eyes aren't visible it's clear that this is the best thing he's heard in a very long time. He nods enthusiastically, appearing a little more than nervous, and positions himself so that he's facing Scout a bit more. Scout does the same, gulping loudly and adjusting his baseball cap, and beginning to lean over. He closes his eyes and they lean towards each other, the camera zooming in dramatically and the music becoming heartfelt. Scout puckers his lips awkwardly, an almost pained expression on his face, as Pyro makes a nervous sound from beneath his mask. The two of them finally bump into each other, Scout's lips knocking against the filter of Pyro's mask awkwardly.

At that moment Medic and Heavy walk by them, apparently done with their make-out session. Heavy exclaims that he is happy for his nephew, but Medic will have none of that. He grabs Scout by the waist and lifts him up, scolding him for ever considering kissing Pyro. Medic says that Scout should have considered where that mask has been, and tells him all about the dangers of STDs. Medic says, at best, Scout could possibly have meningococcal meningitis. Scout almost immediately goes pale as Medic drags him away to the van to preform the needed tests on him to make sure he's healthy.

Heavy stays with Pyro, who looks as though he is going to cry. He is holding his hands against the lenses of his mask and is shaking his head slowly. Clearly, he is regretting ever agreeing to kiss Scout. Heavy sits next to him and puts a reassuring arm around his shoulder, recounting the tale of how he and Medic first met. There is a convenient flashback.

Medic is sitting in the clinic, twiddling his thumbs and looking nervous. He has a full head of hair at this point, so it's assumed that his took place at least a few years ago. He is called into the doctor's office after a long and grueling wait. He walks in slowly, and before he enters the door he looks behind him, as though saying goodbye to the real world and entering a world of horror and pain. Needless to say, Heavy hates doctors.

He is told to have a seat by the doctor, who is nowhere to be found. Heavy does so anyway, sitting on the crinkling paper and cringing when it keeps shifting under him. Suddenly, Medic emerges into the room. The music slows and the world around Heavy disappears as he focuses on the German before him. Heavy's eyes grow wide as he gasps slightly, remarking to himself that he's never seen anyone so beautiful. The camera focuses on Medic again as he snaps on a glove and brushes some hair from his forehead in slow motion. Heavy is awestruck.

Medic, having no idea that Heavy is immediately attracted to him, goes about his business as usual. He does all the usual examinations while Heavy is more or less going to die of a heart attack. Medic finally notices this, however, when it comes time to check his heart rate. Medic comments that Heavy seems very nervous, which is normal during these sorts of things. Heavy says that it's his first time. Medic chuckles and asks him to take a deep breath. Heavy does so. As he releases the breath, however, he grabs Medic and pulls him into a passionate kiss.

The next scene is of Heavy getting kicked out of the doctor's office.

The camera returns to Heavy and Pyro. Heavy concludes by saying that it took some convincing after that, but Medic finally warmed up to Heavy and now he has a happy job as his lover's nurse.

Pyro says he doesn't really see how that connects to what happened today. Heavy pats Pyro on the shoulder and says that he'll realize when he's older. Heavy then walks to the van, as well, thinking to himself that maybe Pyro had a good point.

Pyro sits at the tree a little while longer, rubbing the back of his mask contemplatively. Finally, he stands up and cracks his knuckles, walking back towards the van. There is a final shot of Scout and Medic inside the van. Medic has Scout bent over his knee and is administering a shot into his ass. Scout sees Pyro coming and freaks out, not wanting his friend to see him like this.

The camera fades out.

TO BE CONTINUED...

"Medic is sitting in the clinic, twiddling his thumbs and looking nervous. He has a full head of hair at this point, so it's assumed that his took place at least a few years ago."

I'm fairly sure you meant Heavy in this case, but other than that, GREAT WORK ANON.

>>97
UGH FUCK
I did indeed mean Heavy. SORRY EVERYONE. But I guess you could say Medic had even more hair than usual, too.

you can't see it but i have a huge smile on my face, so wide it hurts
this had me giggling. my day has just gotten better, thank you anon!

I am grinning ear to ear. So hilarious, so adorable.. <3

I have never imagined anything cuter than Scout and Pyro kissing through Pyro's gas mask. I doubt I ever will.

Awww, why'd Medic gotta ruin it? :'c

"The camera pants over to him"

LAWL I LOVE IT WHEN CAMERAS PANT OVER TO PEOPLE IT MAKES THE SCENE ALL THE MORE REALISTIC

>>103

that said, good chapter anon :D

95
Oh hey I have good timing, heh.

YES YES YES this thread is going into my bookmarks.

DO HO HO! You have made my day, Anon.

The next scene is of Heavy getting kicked out of the doctor's office.
I loll'd so hard.

Scout and Pyro are beyond adorable and I'm so looking forward to the next update. You are my hero, Anon.

Ok fine I don't know what to say since I'm late to the party other than:



FUCK YES

I love you anon, the flashback scene was priceless
I knew they wouldn't even think of taking Pyro's mask off, lol

D'awwww
Scout trying to kiss Pyro through his mask is so cute.

You made my day! This is awesome and epic, you deserve a medal.
I really want someone to shoot a sitcom. Or a comics would do too :D

Oh why haven't I found it earlier WHHYYYY

I love everything about this, but waiting for updates kills me D:

EPISODE 7

Pyro is making his way towards the van, intent on explaining to Scout his true feelings, when he hears a loud cry in the distance. It sounds like Demoman. Pyro glances back to the van almost wistfully before deciding that Scout's had a shot in the ass before and will be perfectly alright. Demoman, on the other hand, sounds like a dying cat, and Pyro figures that he could make himself useful. Besides, he liked Demoman and thought he was charming, even though he smelled of alcohol more often than not. There is a dramatic shot of Pyro sprinting to Demoman's aid.

Meanwhile, Medic has just finished giving Scout the shot in the ass. Medic doesn't actually tell Scout what the shot was for, even though he was asked many times, and finally, after a long, one-sided conversation, Scout stomps out of the van and looks around for Pyro, who is nowhere to be found.

The camera cuts to a shot of Pyro, who is leaning over Demoman. It appears that he has passed out right where he was standing. Demoman stirs and opens his one eye sadly, patting Pyro on the shoulder and blubbering incoherently for a few minutes. Pyro then, as equally incomprehensible, asks what the matter is. Demoman replies in broken sentences something about getting off the phone with a doctor and that yes, it is indeed cancer. Pyro takes this to mean that Demoman himself has it, and immediately starts shaking his head and saying "mmph!" in his mask. Demoman nods sadly, and takes a swig of his scrumpy. Pyro, overcome with emotion, leaves Demoman sitting in the grass and runs back to the van, crying loudly the whole way.

When he gets back to the van Pyro pulls Scout aside and hugs him, knowing that he won't like the news about his one and only manslave. Scout tells Pyro to get on with it already, saying that he's really gotta whizz and he doesn't have time for this. Pyro finally drops the bomb on Scout, looking him straight in the eyes. Scout's face falls, and he slinks off to the bathrooms miserably while Pyro goes to tell Medic the horrible news.

The camera quickly cuts to a shot of Soldier, who is sitting a ways away from the van, whittling himself a spear out of some wood. Medic interrupts him by putting a hand on his shoulder and sighing loudly. Soldier, not in the mood for interruptions of any sort, glares at Medic and asks him what he dickens is going on. Medic tells him the news, and returns to the van to give Soldier some alone time.

Soldier pauses, at first not quite registering what was going on. He sets down his almost-spear and takes his helmet off, staring into it. His moments with Demoman flash before his eyes again, and as he tries to assure himself that he's a straight man that's still in love with Scout's mom, he just can't make himself believe it. He tries to think back to when Scout was born, and how amazing he felt knowing that he had a wife who loved him and a darling son, but instead of Scout's mother he saw Demoman, wearing her dress and possessing the same falsetto voice. He then tries to think of the nice dinner dates he had with Scout's mother before they divorced, but instead of her ordering the shrimp cocktail, Soldier can only think of Demoman ordering the cocktail without any shrimp.

Soldier sighs and hangs his head, coming to terms with his feelings for his manservant once and for all. A single tear falls from his eye as he realizes that these days might be the last days he spends with his chocolate partner, and he never even had the balls to tell him how he felt. Soldier gathers his nerves again and stands up, jamming his helmet on his head and deciding to tell Demoman his true feelings.

Demoman has moved himself into the van, with help from Medic, who is attending to him as best an almost-doctor can. He's got his bottle of scrumpy with him, and looks to be fast asleep. Medic has told no one except for Soldier. Scout and Pyro are sitting there, too, gazing at Demoman sadly and wishing that they could have spent more time with him.

There is a brief, painful shot of everyone else having fun outside, having a picnic.

Soldier enters the van solemnly. He asks for a moment of peace with his friend and everyone agrees, piling out of the van. Scout, before he goes, pats his dad on the back and smiles at him for the first time in a long time. He tells him good luck and leaves.

Soldier takes a seat next to Demoman, taking his hand and sniffling loudly. He gazes at him for a few moments, his eyes studying Demoman's striking features and tastefully worn eyepatch. He smiles as he sees that he's got his alcohol with him, and quietly tells Demoman that he's a true fighter. Soldier then clears his throat a bit nervously, unsure of whether or not Demoman can hear him, and begins talking. He says that he's sorry for the way he's treated Demoman all this time, but before now he was unable to cope with his feelings and was afraid of being rejected again. After all, Demoman seemed like a strictly-women sort of guy and Soldier wasn't willing to have his maid laugh at him every time he did the laundry. Soldier continues, saying that he wishes he could have told Demoman how he felt sooner, because cancer is an awful thing and there's no telling how long it'll give someone before they croak. Soldier wipes away a tear and squeezes Demoman's hand.

"I love you, you crazy bastard," Soldier says sadly, kissing Demoman on the cheek.

Demoman opens his eye and awakens from an alcohol-induced slumber, apparently having heard some of Soldier's long confession.
"Me? Cancer?" Demoman says, rubbing his eye and sitting up groggily. "Nah, it's me childhood dog that's got the cancer, lad."

There is a shot of Soldier turning paler than a sheet of paper as he realizes he just confessed his feelings for nothing. He suplexes Demoman, loudly proclaims he was joking about the whole thing, and stomps out of the van to join the picnic.


TO BE CONTINUED...

No! Not Demo's dog! What a terrible loss.

these days might be the last days he spends with his chocolate partneroh god, how I lol'd
awesome episode!

Oh sweet mercy, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

"Scout tells Pyro to get on with it already, saying that he's really gotta whizz and he doesn't have time for this."

Scout took a whiz in the last episode, which was maybe ten minutes previous to that point. Medic should check him for a urinary tract infection.

>>116
Scout's not exactly the healthiest kid.

Why are you still anonymous? This is probably the funniest fic here!

:O i fckn lol'd! icant wait for the next episode!

>>116
>>117

Y'know, they have a prostate exam that can fix that.

Bumping to request MOAR.

funniest part out of every thing thats gone on
He then goes on to say that the Pyro family isn’t about looking good it’s about being one with the flame.
Everything else is also fucking hilarious. EVERYTHING.

Where... where is the next episode?

WHERE IS EPISODE 8?!

Bumpin' cuz this has to remain on the first page.

GAH! i thought there was an update

>Bumpin' cuz this has to remain on the first page.
You know, that I was so happy expecting an update. UNGH YOU DON'T FUCKING DO IT. >:C

>>127
http://www.tf2chan.net/fanfic/res/2211.html#61

http://www.fpsbanana.com/sprays/51788
Found this today, VERY related to the fanfiction.

Where is my update? ;_;

what ever happened to this? D:

Bump.

Yeah! What DID happen to this??

Gah. This is awesome. I hope it is updated sometime.

Op here; updates incoming

updates incoming
HURRRRRRR YESSSSSSSSS.

Yes! Finally!

136
This made me cry tears of joy.

Surely you jest?

OP, I am disappoint.

I'm cryan