Cap was sad and wanted a story to feel better...

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Once upon a time there were three bears. A Medic-bear, a Heavy-bear, and a Scout-bear. They lived in a house in the woods and Scout-bear spent all his time outside so that he didn't have to listen to Medic-bear and Heavy-bear having sex...

[Brief interlude as the storyteller struggles to remember what the fuck goes on in Goldilocks, says 'fuck it', and makes shit up.]

At any rate, one day Scout-bear went down to the river to bonk some Soldier-salmon. Unfortunately, there were none to be found, which was strange, so Scout-bear walked upstream until he came to a secluded little pool. "Why hello little Scout-bear," said the Tentaspy. And then they had sex. The end.