i had to repost because i fucked it up ( j_j) oh god

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More times than not, he wakes up curled in the corner of Engineer's room, with one of Engineer's blankets tucked carefully around his shoulders, one of Engineer's pillows on the floor next to him and his head cradled in his hands. He feels like an idiot every time it happens - he doesn't MEAN to sneak into his room, and he knows he shouldn't be, because what is he, a baby? But it's warm in there, and it's safe, and he knows that's just as stupid because his own room is safe, nobody's going to bother him, they all reassure him that he's on their team now and he's one of theirs and he should be fine. What is he even afraid of? He's just an idiot. An idiot who can't even talk properly to thank Engineer for the blankets (and on a cold night like this he really should've stayed in his own room, Engineer was probably chilly all night and it's all his fault).

And he keeps telling himself that he's not going to go in there tonight, and then it gets to be late and he's all alone in the big room that still doesn't and never will feel like his (what has he ever done to earn it? Why does he deserve his own room over here on their base? Especially when he knows some of the others are doubling up, Pyro sharing a room with Demo and Sniper sharing with Heavy, and he's sure one of them had to give up a room of their own to let him have this one and he'd give it back if he could because he really doesn't deserve it), and he's sitting on the very end of his bed with his back in the corner where it meets the wall and his arms wrapped around his knees and he can't do this, and there's only one person who would ever be alright with him hanging around and he'll sneak in so quietly that Engineer won't even wake up and then he'll be sure to get up early and leave before Engineer even knows he's there and then it'll be okay, right?

So he slinks down the hall with his cloak on, stepping as quietly as he can so no one hears his footsteps, and he opens Engineer's door to slide in silently and just exist in the same space as him -

And Engineer has his little desk lamp on, and Spy didn't even see the light under the crack of the door, and he's awake and he heard him come in and he's turning around to see him.

"Hey there, Spook."

And all he can do is shut the door behind himself, so carefully that it barely even clicks as it latches into place, and then uncloak with his eyes on the floor and his cheeks burning. He really is an idiot.

"Havin' trouble sleeping?" Engineer's voice is quiet and understanding and there's just the slightest hint of amusement in it, and Spy thinks he's got to be laughing at him, the stupid little Spy who can't even stay in his own room overnight, but he just nods and keeps his eyes on the cracks between the floorboards.

"Well, that's alright. I'll get ya settled in." Engineer rises from his chair and moves toward the bed and pulls the covers back, and pauses for a moment. "Y'know, you don't gotta sleep on the floor," he says carefully, and Spy just shakes his head violently. It's not - it's not that he wouldn't - he can't take up Engineer's bed, he can't do that, it would be wrong and rude and he can't, and Engineer seems to understand that and just pulls off one of the blankets and a couple of pillows and makes a little nest on the floor, right where Spy always curls up on his own.

"Y-y-you d-don't," Spy starts, and stops himself, gesturing at the blankets. "It's c-c-c- -" He stops again, angry at himself, and tries a second time - different word. He hates doing this, Scout always used to call him Porky Pig when he did it, but it's the only way to get the words out, and Engineer's never said anything like that to him, so maybe it's okay after all. "Chilly."

"I got enough blankets to spare some, boy," says Engineer, with the warm little crooked smile that he turns on Spy sometimes and that makes him feel so fucking safe. "It'll be alright. I'm just sittin' up gettin' some notes down, anyhow. You ain't interruptin' anything."

Spy still hates himself for it even as he sits down on top of the blankets. So stupid, running to Engineer's room like a little kid having nightmares.

"You wanna take your jacket off, or at least your tie?" Engineer makes the suggestion with his back to him, taking notes at the desk again, and Spy's unspeakably grateful for that little bit of privacy as he does, in fact, slip out of his jacket and unknot the silk tie at his throat and slide under the blanket.

"Didn't want you chokin' yourself in the night," Engineer observes with a slight chuckle, without turning back around, and then it's silent except for the scratch of his pen on paper, and Spy just lies there in the half-light for a while.

"W-what are you d-d-d-d- ... w-what are you working on." It comes out all wrong, no inflection because he was too focussed on getting the words out, and he sounds like an idiot.

But Engineer doesn't say anything, just starts explaining the math he's doing for an adjustment to the firing rate of his sentries, and Spy listens and absorbs every syllable until Engineer turns and looks at him one last time, muttering "Guess he fell asleep" in that indulgent tone of voice, and then turns the lamp off and climbs into bed.

But Spy didn't, not until after he heard Engineer's breathing slow into slumber; and he remembered every single detail of what Engineer had told him about that sentry, too.