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No. 404
A nice little tale out of the FBRP, between a Sniper trying to enjoy a nice day at home, and a Soldier trying to get some ribs for him and his other Solly friend. I admit... It gets to be a bit much at the end.
YOU!
FORMER INHABITANT OF THE ISLAND IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN KNOWN AS AUSTRALIA!
WHatdyou want, Solly?
ME AND MY BROTHER-IN-ARMS DEMAND A TRIBUTE FROM YOUR INFERIOR SELF!
RIBS SHALL DO NICELY!
Piss off, ya bloody yobbo.
You remember the wheel?
Well, it's a new month, and I have to spin it again...
And it might just land on you if I do not receive some ribs!
Mate, you already tipped me van. Don't push me or I'll get me wife.
IT WAS A CAR BOMB. TERRORISTS RIGGED IT.
Bullocks I saw you!
Osama bin Laden just hypnotized you to think that you saw that!
I heard that the Australians originally came from Pakistan...
YOU'RE EITHER WITH US, OR THE TERRORISTS.
AND IF YOU'RE WITH US, YOU GIVE US RIBS.
He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, looming over the Soldier
Don't make me kick your arse, Soldier.
He runs his chin for a few seconds, before taking out his bugle and blowing it right into the Sniper's ear as loud as he can, be shoving him aside and running for the kitchen.
CHARGE!
The Sniper clutches his head a moment in surprise before charging after him, snatching at the back of his jacket
Git back here for I kill ya!
No chance in Hell, Brit!
The Sniper grabs his jacket, but he quickly unbuttons it and tosses it off, before running away again, knocking a a chair in the way of him.
You refuse to give anything, so we must take it by force!
He vaults the chair and sprints, intent on tackling the Soldier. He'd fought bigger animals, before.
And he had fought bigger Australians. Real ones. With mustaches. The Sniper manages to land on Solly's back, but he counters by ramming his back into a nearby wall a few times, hoping the Sniper's grip would weaken, before going back on his rush for the kitchen. It was within sight!
You bloody-
He swears, wrapping long arms around the Soldier in a headlock and slamming his heels down in an attempt to both stop and lift the shorter man
Soldier stops in his tracks, letting out a strained breath. He leans back before tossing his upper body forward, hoping that he could fling the Sniper forward and off of him. Goddamnit, just give me the ribs!
I don't have any, you fuckin' nut!
He snarls, holding on tight, his feet momentarily leaving the ground
LIES. THAT'S WHAT THE INJUNS SAID ABOUT THEIR GOLD.
He started spinning himself around, twirling around the Sniper like a helicopter blade, trying to smack him into walls and furniture.
Goddammit, Solly!
He twists, trying to take the Soldier to the mat
The Soldier goes down with a thud and a grunt, before quickly trying to get back up like nothing happened, but struggling a small bit.
The Sniper fights hard to keep the Soldier down, jamming a knee between his shoulders, intent on hogtying him
Soldier struggles his heart out, flailing about like a fish out of water, and roaring incoherently. He could not be capture by AUSSIE SCUM. He tried to reach for his grenade...
He hauls off and punches the Soldier. He hadn't wanted to hurt the bloke, but he had two infant children and a wife and pets in this home, like hell was he going to blow it up. Soldier! He howls
Me kids are in this house, ya bloody galah!
He drops the grenade, and it rolls off, much to Soldier's dismay. With a groan, he stopped struggling. He'd done wrong, and he knew it. But the allure of ribs was so great, he couldn't help himself. Get off!
You gonna get out? He growls
Not until I get some goddamn ribs!
Go to a steakhouse, idiot! There are none here!
Get me a crowbar, and I will show you how badly you have been brainwashed by the Arabs! Hell, I don't even need a crowbar!
He tried to buck him off, before taking out Shovel and trying to dig at the floor.
Hey! He's momentarily repelled but gets his feet under him and bullrushes the Soldier again
He gets sent forward, but he just had Shovel in between a floorboard, and so it was plied off as Soldier hit the wall. Underneath where the floorboard had been, was a mysterious chest...
What.. the fuck is this, Soldier? He groans, rubbing his forehead
He grabs the chest, and picks it up, eyes widening once he realizes what it is.
...It's the lost treasure of Beefbeard the Pirate! This was his former secret cove where he kept his treasure of meaty goodness! Steak, ribs, veal, hamburgers... We've it the jackpot, Sniper! This stuff is worth MILLIONS!
He opens the chest, revealing golden ribs with silver barbeque sauce. He licked his lips.
...w...what... what is this...? The Sniper has no idea what the fuck is going on or where that chest of treasure meats came from
Soldier started destroying the floor, pulling out several more chests of the jewel-encrusted beef and pork. Ruby hot dogs, Emerald Hamburgers with diamond cheese, oh it was amazing. Soldier's dream come true. He took out a rib from the chest and bit into it, before letting out a surprised moan and feeling an orgasmic sensation. He sits still for a few more seconds, before offering Steven a rib.
. . . You fuckin' wrecked my house, Solly. You're eatin' nonedible barbeque. You are payin' for this damage. He rolls his eyes and rubs his temples
The fuck is this anyways?
It's edible... Somehow... And REALLY GOOD. Try the damn rib! He waves it in his face. And don't worry about money, this is worth BILLIONS, Aussie! We can take it to a professional and everything! ...
Also, can I get a change of pants?
Or a tissue, or something...
THAT IS DISGUSTING GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW. The Sniper is on the verge of a massive coronary. Unlike the BLU Sniper, he was not known for his sense of humor.
YOU TAKE YOUR EDIBLE METAL MEATS AN' GO. SEND ME A CHECK OR SOMETHIN'.
He forces the rib into the Sniper's mouth, and makes him chew. Once it touched the tongue, there was no denying that wonderful sensation, or the jizz in your pants.
EAT IT!
The Sniper essentially mule kicks the Soldier off him and spits out the so-called magic meat SOLDIER GODDAMMIT.
He goes flying back, but stands up and waves the meat around some more. You're not getting any money unless you eat it!
He narrows his eyes and snatches it and throws it to the floor where it's promptly hoovered down by one of the dogs Fuck your magic meat!
And so the dog shoots his load on the floor while Soldier just shakes his head. You'll regret this one day, Sniper!
He took the chests and rode away on a giant flying fish.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
The Sniper is convinced he ate bad vegemite and is hallucinating so he snatches up his bow and shoots the fish
The flying fish is struck down, and crashes into a skyscraper while Soldier parachutes down, holding all of the treasure in between his arms. After he lands, he starts spreading the magic meat to all of the people in the world. They are quite surprised when they take a bite, causing the largest mass orgasm in recorded history.
Sniper goes inside and drinks himself unconscious
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