Awright, looks like I'll christen this one.
So this thing with Pyro carting me around ain't workin', I guess, 'cause he's got more important things to worry about, or whatever, so I'm gonna need someone to help me get around base until these fucking tentacles go away.

And I'm still looking for people to shoot me in the head repeatedly. Only way to get rid of these fucking things is to respawn over and over again.
Come on, guys! You're mercenaries! You love shooting stuff! This should be a no-brainer.

>>911
Oh, come on! I'm sorry, alright?

And I'm sure there's a... cleaner way to get you to respawn?

>>915
Nah man, it's fine. Whatever. Go hang with GRN Spy. I don't care. Really.
[a few tear stains dot the paper, smeared in a quite obvious attempt to wipe them off]


And I dunno about the stupid tentacle thing. GLD Doc said this is the only way, but maybe he's figgered somethin else out. I'd go and ask him, but it kinda takes me 3 hours just to get down the stairs now.

>>915

Pyro, it's okay.. Medic says I must stay in the infirmary anyway while I heal (and that if I leave my bed I'm gonna wish I'd never come back, our medic is quite strict you see) so all I can do is post notes. Go help out Scout.

>>917
Well.. alright...

>>916
We'll go see Goldy and see if he's got any ideas if you want. If not, as much as Id rather not be involved in any of your respawns, I can figure something out.
...you ever experienced smoke inhalation?

>>919
Smoke what?

Taking a visit to the doc sounds good to me. You wanna come pick me up? If not, I'll meet you there in like, 4 days.

Hehe. 'goldy'. I'm calling him Goldy-locks next time I see him.

... damn.

Okay everyone, don't call GLD Medic Goldilocks, he'll go apeshit and shove a grenade down your throat like he did to RED Scout! He was chatting with RED's Demoman when RED's Scout came and called him that and some other things. Then Doc just snaps right on the spot, snatches Demo's grenade and shoves it down RED Scout's throat screaming "WELL EAT THIS!" and BOOM! Tentacles and ink everywhere! ... eww there's ink still in my hair and I just showered too!

So what's up with GLD Medic gettin' all bent for being called goldilocks? He is like... super blonde for a medic... and he's German cuz Germans like blondes and.... Oh...

>>925
Worth it.

And hey, one Respawn down. Still got tentacles, but let's see how many other dicks I can piss off. You won't shoot me willingly, I'll make you angry enough to do it!

>>926

Just don't do anyzhing stupid Scout.. Und don't bother Goldilocks anymore either

>>925
At least you weren't holding him. I ended up having to sprint out of GLD base, covered in RED Scout and being chased by their Medic. With a grenade launcher.

>>927
No promises, doc.

>>928 Oh man, that sounds priceless! Wish I'd been there.
Well, I guess I kinda was there, but I mean, I wish I coulda seen it and ya know, not been a corpse. Probably was pretty funny.

>>929
I'll admit that it was maybe the funniest thing Ive seen happen in a long while, but Id rather you avoid exploding anymore.

Tried to get into our infirmary while you respawned and Medic turned me away, said I smelled like a gutted fish.

>>930
If you need treatment for your wounds, Herr Pyro, you may come to mein infirmary. I am used to the smell of fish by now, between the sewers and Scout's transformation. It will not bother me in the slightest.

>>931
Nah, Im fine, doc. I think your Scout took most of the grenade. I was just hoping to see how our Spy was holding up.

>>932

Pyro, you could borrow anozher spy's disguise kit. Become GRN Heavy, Medic will let you do ANYZHING (& heavy is a good friend of mine, he won't suspect anyzhing)

>>933
I actually have one from a YLW Spy, got it during one of our last fights and forgot about it.
Just need to talk with you about something.

>>934

Oh? What about? Come over soon please, as much as I enjoy the quietness of Medic's infirmary I'm getting.. Well... Perhaps just a tad lonely. Perhaps.

>>935
Im heading over. Just want to get some things straight. Been doing a lot of thinking since you disappeared, and I got something to say.

Well that was the most disappointing co-op team vacation eva.

Since GLD Doc sent both us GLDs and SLVRs off for safety sake, no one could decide on what we wanted to do with what members we had. The Heavies wanted to go skiing in Canada, there was talk of goin' to Ireland... go hang out at Mann Manor of some ghost hunting...

We ended up going to Disney World.

Worse vacation ever!

Why? Because we all got stuck on one of the rides for two hours... inside... stuck listening to a bunch of creepy dolls singing and "dancing" about it's a small world. No it ain't mate and be lucky you all have yer wooden dollie heads on or elde we all would of brought out weapons and made it a contest on how many stupid dolls we can lob off... In the end we sucked it up and after wards went on that teacup ride. So worth it.. GLD Scout couldn't walk straight fer hours and both Sollys unleashed Niagara falls in the nearest trash cans.

... Care fer someone to explain to me why there's ink already on the cork board that appears to be new?

>>937
My bad, man. Some crazy shit went down while you guys were away. Wanna hang out? GRN Py's off doing...well, doing GRN Spy, probably. Ugh. Anyways, I'm bored.

>>939
Scout, why do you insist on believing that me and Pyro are together?

>>946
You're kidding me, right? I can read, motherfucker. I seen your notes on this thing. Might as well have used pink paper and dunked em in perfume, man. I got eyes. I know what's going on with you two.

>>949
Well, then why do you dislike me so much?

>>939

... Hang out? I think I'll pass. Already had to play babysitter to my own Scout, kinda need an adult time out if ya know what I mean. Just sit back and relaxing in mah limo van with the espresso machine going off listening to some nice music... maybe open the sunroof while kicking back on the leather seats... Yeah, kinda don't want it wet and uh... inky.

>>950
Cuz, well, GRN Py's kinda the only friend I got here. I mean, not the ONLY friend- just the only one I really like hangin out with, ya know?
And when he's hanging out with you, then he's not hanging out with me, and I'm all alone and junk, and I don't like it.

>>951 Oh screw you, roo fucker. It ain't like I'm all inky and shit on purpose. You're as bad as my own team.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna go hang out in the sewers. Maybe that tentaspy thing won't try to rape me if it sees I'm like it now...

>>952

Nein Scout, I vouldn't dare go down zhere in your state! Ze tentaspy may not see you as a prey item so much as... vell.. I don't vant to say it but uh... vhat's zhat American term? "Birds and ze Bees"?

If you need company, I'll be glad to allow you in mein infirmary so long as you don't touch anyzhing or I could ask someone from SLVR team to be of assistance to you, I know SLVR Sniper isn't busy like mein team mate.

>>952
Here, Scout, meet me at the cork-board in an hour. If you wish, I will take you. But, we will not be going to BLU's sewers, we will be traveling to RED's.

>>952
Scout, I cannot even begin to apologize enough. I didn't know it hurt you like that whenever I left, I just thought you were being over dramatic..

>>954
It it really wise for you to be going back there? I've only seen trouble from the sewers.

>>955
Well Pyro, I might as well explain now.. While I was in the sewers, I encountered the BLU Tentaspy. Now, I actually got to talk to him, if only for a bit. I was able to bring out the old Spy in him. But, it was just for a short while, before he tried to attack me again... My Dead Ringer had become submerged in the sewage and decided to fail on me, so I threw it as hard as I could at his head. It hit him in the eye, and in the short while that he was clutching his face in pain I started running. I made a wrong turn and ended up in RED's sewers, but I slipped on something and blacked out. I remember waking up, surrounded by red, my leg in serious pain. There were tentacles, and I started to squirm, trying to escape the maroon mess, before I was hushed into submission. He was a RED Tentaspy. He told me I had broken my leg, and that I would not be able to leave for a while. He had dressed my wounds as well as bringing me food. I had questioned him, "How??" He told me he had a working disguise kit, disguised himself as me, and had gone to the kitchen and the infirmary for me. All with the trouble of walking around with tentacles. That's why I was out for so long..

>>955 Yeah, well, ya did. Ya do. I ain't tryin' to be all dramatic and shit, I just...I get lonely real easy, ya know? Miss my brothers and shit, and you're like, the closest thing here I got to one.

>>954 Yeah, listen spook, the more I think about the sewers, as nice as that freak friend of yours sounds, I..
Don't tell anybody, but- [This part is covered in ink] I'm scared of the dark.

>>957
I promise I won't tell anybody, Scout. And we can take Pyro. Not to mention that RED Tentaspy had the place lighted.

>>959
Hey, rat- why's it everyone else is all 'No Scout, don't go in the sewers', and you're all 'hey...' well, not that. The opposite of what they want, ya know?
You tryin' to get rid a me or somethin?

>>960
What? No, no, of course not Scout.. Look, I just... I mean, I'm trying to be nice to you, I never wanted you to hate me, I'm just trying to help... RED Tentaspy knows a lot, he might be able to help you with something.

>>953
I'm not busy at all, really. With the whole cease-fire thing going on these past few weeks, it's really kind of boring at the base.

>>961 And do you guys mind if I tag along?

>>961
Yeah, or help you with gettin' rid a me, amirite? How do I know this thing ain't even worse than the other freak? Maybe instead of raping me, this one'll try ta eat me! And you get to sit there and watch and laugh, huh? And then go off and do shit with GRN Py and feed him some lies about how ya did all ya could to save me.
I ain't goin' nowhere with you, ya shapeshiftin rat.
>>963 Cool. Wanna hang out, pally? I need some friends that actually give a shit about my life for once.

>>965
None of this arguing isn't helping you get back to normal, Scout, and Im getting fed up with it all. I can only stand listening to so much.

Either you keep respawning, and hope you pop back up running again; or we try talking to that RED tentaspy thing. I could tag along if it makes you feel better, and Spy could walk ahead of us since he knows the way and is familiar with that thing. Or you don't, and you're stuck being toted around by whoever thinks they can tolerate you for a bit.

And dont think I dont give a shit about you just because I got other folks I wanna hang out with! I cant divide myself in two.
But it's not like you even give a damn whenever when we're hanging out, either, right? Always end up doing whatever it is you wanna do, and you hardly listen to a word I say if I try to talk you outta doing something retarded or say anything about my own problems.

>>966
Herr Pyro, could you please come to mein infirmary? I do not know what has happened, but the Scout is quite visibly upset, and nothing I say can console him. This state, coupled with the marks I found on his wrists...

I fear he may try to hurt himself, Pyro. I know that the Scout can be, for lack of a better term, an annoying little shit, at times, but I know you don't want him to do this sort of thing to himself. Please. Come quickly.

>>967
Oh fuck. Im coming, doc!

I really shouldnt've gone off on him like that... all I ever do is cause trouble for him. I've got no right to be mad.

>>968
False alarm, Herr Pyro, or half-false, at least. It turns out the the marks on Scout's wrist were nothing but red paint.
Still, he is quite upset, and this is clearly a cry for attention...
But that is the problem, isn't it? He keeps acting like a child, and every time you come back to coddle him. He has the power here, Herr Pyro, and you must take it away from him. Let him know that you will not stand for this abuse any longer!
Stay away from the infirmary, Herr Pyro. I think it will do Scout a world of good.

>>969
Alright, you're right. I baby him way too much, Im a big pushover. I'm just too paranoid about something happening to step back and let him feel the consequences of his actions. My friends are the only family I got, y'know?

I'll keep my distance until he wises up, or at least calms down.
And give him a smack upside the head for scaring the bajesus out of me, doing shit like that just isn't right.

>>970
Uhh....

See, this is why I am not a psychiatrist.

If anyone needs me, I will be sitting in the locker room, waiting for the Scout to respawn.

Mea culpa.

... boredom strikes.

While mah GLD counterpart's off doin' watever he's doin'... I ain't got anything to do but sit in mah limo van and listen to music all day. Anyone wanna tag along fer maybe a small fishin' trip? I'll bring a bottle of champagne with us since I have some new tackle I wanna try out.

>>972
I'm in!
Wait, what about RED scout? Where is he? He'd probably wanna come too.

>>973
At the moment, he is chained to his bed in the infirmary, lest he put another bullet in his brain.

Perhaps an excursion like this would do him some good, though. Of course, I will have to accompany him, and no weapons will be allowed on this trip, in case he tries something else. And he will have to be kept under constant supervision.

Kid gloves, everyone. The Scout is in a very volatile state right now. Do not say anything to set him off, jawohl?

>>974
The only weapon I'm carryin' on board is a harpoon n' hook used for bringin' the fish on board. I'm rentin' a yacht so it has indoor seatin' and cool air. We're gonna be goin' out in the middle of the ocean cuz I'm in the mood for some red snapper and maybe some mackerel. RED Scout's more than welcome to come along so long as he doesn't jump ship on us.

Hopefully this will be better than that stupid ride at the theme park. I had more fun in the hotel suite sleepin' in than thousands of screaming nippers runnin' around.

>>974
Chained to the bed?! How many times has he shot himself?!

>>976
Only once, but that's not for lack of trying. I still believe it's a cry for attention, but his persistence in trying to end his life is certainly alarming. Thank gott for respawn.

Got Bored...

Went to see RED Scout, shot him in the head.

Waited for him a respawn and shot him about six times before ran out of ammo. He seems calmed down now, thankin' me fer shootin' him a few times to change back.

Got bored again... HEY! Where's UV Medic!? I wanna see what's it like to be high off laser lights!

>>978
Next time anyone chooses to murder my patients multiple times, could they let me know beforehand? I spent hours trying to figure out how he got out of his restraints.

>>978
Ohoho~ Silly little Scout, you do not get high off of lasers, you get high off of
[the rest of the note is scratched out]

WE DO NOT NEED OUR SCOUTS KNOWING HOW TO GET HIGH
-GRN Medic

[the writing looks extremely sloppy]

Oooh man... Dude.. Dude! UV Medic is like... the best damn doc eva!

Still got da music in me and lasers burned into mah eyes... but the best part was when he let me try [writing scribbled at this point]to the music and.... want more...

I love yaaaa Doc!

>>981
Oh Scout, so suß, so suß! You little bratwurst~ Zhat vas soooo much fun, you're such a cute little dancer vhen you loosen up like zhat! We should do zhis again sometime, most def ja?

>>977
Und Herr RED, you should send your scout my way, I'm sure I could make him feel loads better, just ask GLD Scout!

>>982
You scare me, doc.
And like RED medic would give you scout, keep dreamin'.

>>983
Und vhy not, hm?

>>982
You're the one who did that?! Damn it, we couldn't get a senible sentence out of the boy for the longest time. He just sat there laughing and saying something about how there were demons in the intel room. He eventualy just passed out by a dispenser that I had been working on. Do you have any idea how hard it is to drag an uncoscious 23 year old up the stairs, to his room for the night? It's not a pleasant experiance.

>>985
Oh please, you carry around much heavier zhings all zhe time. I could pick up Scout just fine yesterday. Und besides, I only gave him a quarter of what I usually have, you're probably just over exaggerating.

>>982

[note is written with haste and is scratchy and clumped together]

OHGODINEEDMOREDOCICAN'TGOONYERSOFREAKINAMAZIn...
[rest isn't words, just chicken scratch]

>>987
Perhaps he wasn't exaggerating..
Ach, now now, calm down, no more fun for Scout if he can't handle it jawohl? Come ova und visit me again so we can.. Err, solve your little problem.

>>988
Any idea why I just got steamrolled by a gold blur?

>>989
Ugh, sorry about that. Scout, has been sort of... crazy latey. If he happened to damage anything mechanical, I'll be happy to repair it, free of charge.

>>988
And as for YOU, scout better not come back any more messed up than he was yesterday.

>>990
Vhat's got your panties in a knot? I vas just trying to show zhe boy a good time. I mean, I AM from team UV aren't I? Vhat else vould you expect? Und I'll just give him a quarter of vhat I gave him last time, I'm sure he won't become as loopy.

So I have some good news, odd news and bad news.

Ze Good news is zhat after 69 times zhrough respawn, RED Scout has regained his legs! Huzzah for science!

Ze Odd news is after doing a drug test on GLD Scout... I found no substances vhatever everyone is claiming UV Medic is giving Herr Scout so... vhat ARE you giving him Herr Doctor?

And ze bad news.... RED Scout must of pissed off Respawn upon dying a 70th time just to be sure of his regained legs and... had his manhood replaced vith zhat of a fraulein... I vould do more tests but he stormed off before I could perform a detailed search.

RED Scout you really... really... REALLY need to quit drinking zhose Bonk! drinks, I zhink that's ze problem vith zhese respawn errors...

P.S. I vould advise ze teams not to try to kill each ozher a little longer, I don't vant more detachable classes running around and turning zhis collection of bases into a she-male brothel.

>>992
Honestly, it was easier when he had tentacles.

Apparently someone told Scout that what he needed to fix this error was a 'good hard fuck'. Will whoever this is please come to the infirmary and tell him they were joking? The poor boy is terrified of being attacked. He won't leave mein infirmary.

>>993
Please tell me this is temporary?
And you should be seeing the GLD Scout soon. He's still high off whatever it was UV Medic gave him and was laughing his ass off about scaring your Scout, I gave him a good arm twisting and sent him your way.

>>994
Danke, Herr Pyro, but it did not do very much good. GLD Scout apologized, but he did it while naked, and rather....ahem.

Needless to say, it did not help RED Scout's mental state. Could you come and calm him down, bitte? He specifically asked for you because he believes you to be, und I quote, "an ass-pirate, not a pussy-pirate."

Okay! Get this!

So I was snoopin' around the bases cuz I'm bored and shit then I snoop in UV's base cuz I've been hearing alot about my GLD rival gettin' drugged there by their doc so I'm all "DUDE! I gotta see this!" So I'm goin' in there all stealthy Scout like n' stuff kinda like a Spy cept I ain't no frog legs!

I take a peek in UV Doc's office and holy shit the music is loud, there's these lights going everywhere and smell of fog machines...

and there's GLD Scout on top of UV doc and... HOLY SHIT! Man... I'd never pin GLD Scout to be into that kind of stuff and... damn. Just..., wow. Can not unsee that shit!

>>995
On my way doc, I really ought to have gone with the GLD Scout but I honestly didn't know if yours would chew me out or something.

>>996
Pfffahaha! UV's robbing cradles now?

>>997
What reason would he have to be angry with you, Herr Pyro? I assure you, it's quite the opposite situation. He specifically asked for your company.

>>992
Vell if you really MUST know, I've modified mein medigun to not only heal, but also give interesting.. Eh, "side effects." But all zhe scouts seem to have all zhese problems, so I don't know vhat's up mit GLD Scout. Maybe he'll grow some a tail or turn invisible or somezhing.

>>996
And surely you must be mistaken! I am completely heterosexual!!

>>999
Suuuuuure you are, doc.

[sewer water scented and stained, written in something now a pen but similar to a fountain pen or quill..]

GuEsS wHo'S Baaaaack...

I'm cOmINg fOR yoU Sccccout! YOu'Re noW MOre EntiCinG ThaN BefOrE... I haVe a tenTAcle JusT fOr YOU!

>>1000
I s-swear!! I'm not homosexual! I'm not I'm not I'm not!!!

>>1001
Oh gott....

Will anyone who reads this please come to the sewers immediately, fully-armed?
RED Scout is missing, and there is dirty water everywhere.
We have to hurry.

>>1003
Coming! My flamethrower's still useless down there, but I got our Scout's scattergun and snuck out our doc's bonesaw.

I'm gonna saw that bastard's head off if I can get the chance.

>>1004
Ehh, GRN Pyro.. Do you really zhink it's a good idea to steal your doktor's bonesaw? I mean, he gave me a nasty slap on the hand just for trying to take a butterscotch out of his candy bowl...

>>1005
He's a hardass, but Im sure he'll understand.
If not, Im pretty sure I can run faster than him. I hope think.

>>1006
Da, you can. GRN Doktor is getting chubby from too many leetle kandies. Is funny. He waddles like leetle penguin.

>>1007
Silly Heavy, surely you are exaggerating, GRN Medic is one of zhe fittest medics I know. Although his teeth probably aren't zhe best...

>>1008
Nyet, is true! When bases go on locked down, doktor keeps himself in office, and eat kandies all day long.

Did not even share. Was not very nice of doktor.

Is very fat now. Not as big as Heavy, but still much bigger than tiny little old self.

>>1004
Wait, what about GRN spy? He said he was able to talk to one of them... Sholdn't he come, too?
But, I'm going with you guys, either way.

Good news everyone! Come to find out RED Scout has been hiding out vith SLVR Sniper in his limo-van vatching a ballgame via satellite.

Ze bad news is it's GLD Scout zhat's been taken and last I saw before his disappearance he had just came from UV base... again, high off his horse and only vearing a pair of high end boxers and... VHY VAS HE VEARING SPY SOCK GARTERS!?

Ugh, point is I may need some extra reinforcements like YOU UV MEDIC! He seems to attach to you like a medical leech so maybe if ve drag you done and he's not hurt in any vay zhen MAYBE I'll see about clearing you of zhese accusations of you and your preference in sexual appetites.

Also... excuse me as I laugh mein tail off, but Ja, GRN Heavy is right, GRN Medic can barely button his lab coat on vithout it pops a button! Mein gott he looks like a vittle porker. Dohohohoh! Is it Oktoberfest yet already?

>>1011
Oh hush up Goldilocks! (you don't vant to piss him off) Und GRN Medic!! You were supposed to be on zhe front of our shirtless Medic calender!! Now Herr GLD vill have to do it (not zhat I mind at all ~) unless you can somehow get back to your chiseled godliness very fit old self.

>>1011
Spy's sock garters? Ze glowing ones? But last time he left zhem in mein office he came back und got zhem.. Ach! Spy, are you playing Medic twins vith me again!? I told you last time, you were supposed to tell me beforehand!!

I am innocent Herr GLD!!!! (it vas Spy it vas Spy it vas Spy!!) But but but I vill go get your scout back. I've become quite fond of him, he reminds me of my dear puppy TwinklevonSchmekerstein.. Oh, how I miss him....

>>1012
[This note is smeared all over with tear stains and chocolate]

Leave me alone!

>>1012

... I never volunteered for zhat! Besides, I'm not camera material. Not zhat I'm claiming to be chubby meinself but I have somezhing personal on mein lower back I'd razher not show off.. especially on a calendar in front of ze ozher bases' teams' gazes!

AND DON'T CALL ME GOLDILOCKS!

>>1016
YOU HAVE A TRAMP STAMP!?

>>1014
Aw, geez guys! Be nice to our medic! You alright there doc??? I'm on my way right now!!

>>1016
But you vould be facing zhe front!! No one vould see your zhing you have! (though you shouldn't be ashamed of it, it's incredibly delicious..) Und you love it vhen I call you Goldilocks! Like last veek, when you [the rest of this paragraph is scratched out with gold ink]

>>1017
It's none of your business! You may or may not be correct in your assumption

>>1018
[This note is barely legible past all the chocolate stains, and occasional sprinkle]

I just want to be left alone with mein candy! Go away!

>>1020
Doc, you need to take it easy on the candies. It cant be good for you!

If he asks, I totally didn't just take all of his candy while he was sewing Demo's arm back on. RED Scout needs it more anyway, he's been more moody than usual

>>1021
Oh fuck you, pally. Ain't my fault this new set of equipment comes with its own set of problems.

Holy FUCK I will NEVER complain about random boners in public, or getting kicked in the nuts again. HOW THE HELL DO CHICKS LIVE THROUGH THIS?!

OH GOD! WHERE IS IT? WHO THE HELL TOOK IT?


WHEN I FIND THE HURENSOHN WHO DID THIS, THEIR TEAM'S MEDIC WILL HAVE TO PERFORM A BONESAW-ECTOMY!

>>1023
Maybe you should ask the Demo? He was in your office

OhgodsomebodyhidemeIstillhavehisbonesawandhe'sfuckinscary

>>1025
You can come chill with me, pally. Just watchin' Titanic.

Man, I always thought this shit was really gay, but you know, it's really...I dunno. Not gay.
[a few teardrops dot the note]

....I really gotta get my dick back. This whole 'bleeding from between my legs and crying for no reason' thing is a load of crap.

>>1018

Fuck YAH GLD Medic does! I've seen it once on accident when he was out in the GLD/SLVR swimming pool! It's a gold and red medigun with black roses weaved around it with the barrel pointing right down between his crack with fancy lettering above saying in English... and this IS the real deal no lying: "Uber goes here"


[gold note is attached]

VHEN I VILL FIND YOU, I VILL KEEL YOU!

- GLD Medic

>>1026
I love that movie man, I got so many movies you gotta see!
And did SLVR Sniper ever get over you making him go in the supermarket and getting you those one things? He looked beet red.

>>1027
-a sloppy drawing of a laughing pyro-

>>1027
Ooooh!!! Sounds über sexy, I vant one!!

>>1028
Nope. Still won't come out of his limo. It'd probably be pretty funny, actually, if I weren't in the worst fucking pain of my life.
Anybody know something that can get rid of these damn cramps? Aspirin don't help anymore. I'm fucking desperate.

>>1031
My sister always had me go and get her a box of chocolates and a movie. And she would pass out on the coutch about ten minutes into Lady and The Tramp. She always woke up saying that her cramps were completely gone

>>1031
Wife is always saying good bouncy is cure for pain.

>>1041
What, like on a trampoline?

>>1042
Can do on trampoline, yes. But is better in bed.

>>1042
Ignore him. Eat the chocolates.

>>1044
Id grab ya some, but our base is completely cleaned out of sweets. Between the disapearences and doc grabbing everything else.

And when I opened my doo this morning he was just standing there, glaring.
I think he might be onto me

>>1046 What the hell am I supposed to do, man? Doc said the only thing that'll help is the kind of chemical you find in chocolate.
And he said it's in a bunch of other stuff too, but I wasn't really payin' attention.

>>1047
I'll get you some. In the mean time, try and get some sleep.

>>1028

Doc finally convinced me to come out so you all can hear mah side of the story.

So after having been sent out, I went to the first store I could find which was commoner owned, but at least they were nice. Anyways, grabbed everythin' on the list and when I go to check out, the moment I've been dreadin' comes when the clerk asks me "Why are you buying Feminine hygiene products?". So, thinking quick and already gettin red in the face, I lied and said "It's fer mah daughter, she's gettin' older now." and it worked. Course now I come back beet red in the face...

Still need to plan that charter fishin' trip, who all said they wanted to come along?

>>1049
You still looked absolutely hilarious.
Y'mind if I come along? I cant swim worth crap, but I wanna try for some marlin or shark.

>>1049
I'm going. I don't know about RED scout, seein' that he's fast asleep right now.

>>1049
Talk to me in like, a week, okay? Or, five days I guess. I dunno. Medic said every girl's different.

Not that I'm a girl. I'm still a man. Just a man with a vagina. That's all.

Anyone wanna come over and hang out, or somethin'. Maybe punch me in the head so I forget how much pain I'm in down south?

>>1052
Leetle Scout should try the bouncy. Wife always say it help with pain. And is great fun for me too.

>>1053
I raelly dont think he'd would be up for bouncy right now, Heavy. Like he said, he's still technically a man. Technically. Mostly.

>>1052
Last I came over you spent half the time bawling on my shoulder about Old Yeller, man, and Im thinking you ought to send Sniper out again to buy you some new shirts. It's getting a little... awkward?

>>1054 Hey, Old Yeller is a fucking classic. And those were MANLY tears, awright? That fucking dog was great, and he just got sick, and-
[tear stains]

And what the hell's getting awkward? What do you mean I need new shirts? What's wrong with the ones I got?

>>1055

Dude, have ya looked in the mirror lately? Unless that's two of RED Medic's doves under yer shirt looking for his main dove, Archimedes....

>>1056
I'm actually babysitting Herr RED's birds, he asked me to vatch zhem for a week or so because he.. Eh, he never told me vhy. But I don't vant to meddle on his affairs, so I'll just vatch zhem till he vants zhem back.

Und Scout? Vould you give me a detailed list of all of zhe changes you are going through? SLVR's description is worrying me. UND STOP DRINKING BONK.

Okay, why the fuck did no one tell me I had boobs? Seriously.

>>1057 NO! IT'S FUCKING DELICIOUS.

And I dunno. Ask doc. He's the one who's been keepin' track a this shit, not me.

>>1058
Woulda said something earlier, but you know how weird it is to look a dude in the eye and say "Yo, you sprouted tits?"

I go away for a one-week vacation for my sanity's sake (and danke for taking care of my birds, Herr GLD), and come back to find the Scout performing a very thorough self-breast exam.

WHAT. Someone explain to me what is going on. First he experiences menarche, and the hormonal fluctuations, and now this?!

Respawn has, for lack of a better term, fucked up royally.

[a smaller, tear-stained note is pinned to this one]
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOVE ME FOR WHAT I AM?
-RED Scout

[another note is pinned to that one]
Fich. Herr Pyro- a little help, bitte?

>>1060

It certainly fucked something up!

So get this, I'm out playing ball with BLK and GRN Scouts when I see something and we all go over and watch as SLVR Sniper comes back to the store again, this time he had brought RED Scout with him and... and.. HAHAHA! RED'S IN A DRESS! Oh man he is taking this girl thing way too far...

Or should we start calling him a her now? And is it me or had SLVR Sniper gettin' real close to RED Scout?....

[a note has been attached]

PIKER! It's a skort and HE picked it out, not me! I just took RED Scout out for ice cream to cheer him up and he insisted on the shoppin' spree... and NO I am NOT into RED Scout like dat! Wat, there's no such thing as being a friend? You be nice to someone and automatically you assume we're a couple? Bah, stop hanging out with the commoner teams Scout, yer just as bad as them. Ya know what they say about Karma or leave RED Scout alone till this all clears up.

- SLVR Sniper

>>1060
Eh, I got no idea how Id help you. Appologize? Maybe?

>>1061
We'll call him whatever he wants us to call him and he can wear whatever he wants to!
And you better be telling the truth, Sniper. Scout could do better, anyway.

>>1061
You're just jealous that I look better in it than your mom ever would.

And hey, guys, don't knock the skort till ya try it. The breeze is nice. And the skirt part makes me almost forget about how I got no dick right now. I look down and just see skirt. It's kinda nice.

I still ain't queer though, so fuck you all who say I'm doing whatever with SLVR Snipefag.

>>1063
I just thought of something
With you being into chicks and not having a dick, you technically are queer right now!

Pfffahah

>>1064
Oh, YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD, MUMBLES.

HEY. GRN DOC. GUESS WHO TOOK YOUR CANDY?

FUCKING GRN PYRO.

How's it feel?

[another note is hidden under this one]
To counteract the feminizing effects of Scout's transformation, I have given him a very large dose of testosterone. Be warned.

>>1065

[this note has nothing written on it, but there is a considerable amount of tearing and drool, as if someone tried to eat the note, and pinned it up to show what they would do to their intended target.]

Duuuuuude.

So I kinda managed to escape the sewers cuz tentafag spy fell asleep after I offered him some chocolates I know my doc likes to eat with the brandy inside. So I guess his weakness is chocolates with whiskey in them?

But maaaan.... I really need another dose from UV Medic.. my head's spinning bad.

On a nicer note... did anyone get a glimpse of the girl on base? Hot DAMN she is hot! Thin legs, short hair, wearing a red tank top and a skirt... I don't think girls are allowed on base but if anyone sees her again, tell her GLD Scout is interesting in hooking up, she looks like a runner and I love chicks that are athletic!

... um... someone tell me why there's a slimey not on here that smells like fatty Mcfatfat was here?

>>1068
[this note is splattered with blood]

If anybody's lookin' for GLD Scout, he'll be coming out of respawn any time now, with my bat up his ass.
Don't think he'll be too interested in hooking up with anything for a while.

Fucker probably didn't even know what hit him.

>>1065
>>1066
LIES! LIES AND SLANDER AND SO MANY LIES! AND DID I MENTION ITS NOT TRUE? BECAUSE HE'S LI

-the note peters off and is barely pinned to the board, as if the writer had continued moving (or running)-

>>1061
Dude! You said you wouldn't say anything! It's bad enough he's turning into a chick!

I fear I may have given the Scout a teeny bit too much testosterone. He is still experiencing the physical symptoms of being a fraulein, but reacting as if he were a man...und a woman.

In short, he has breasts, screams and punches the wall whenever someone talks to him, and then cries at the wall, and eats chocolate.

I knew I should have become a veterinarian.

Oww... since when did RED Scout take cross dressing to the extreme?

>>1074

Great, thanks alot Doc. You made yer own Scout a freak a nature! At least now he/she/IT can go hang out with GRN Medic and stuff their faces in chocolate and cry all night over nothin', then go off and get married and have like 20 kids all freaky half Scout, half Medic, hermaphrodite freaks somewhere in Freakstein, Germany or wherever.

>>1075
I AM NOT A FREAK!

[a torn red shirt is thrown over the bulletin board]

Holy shit, I need to start working out. Doc caught up to me! I had no fucking idea he was that strong, I got away with a broken nose and short one mask.

>>1075
Says you. Weren't you trying to jump UV medic's bones?

Oh hey guys! Uhm... If you happen to see Frau RED Scout acting a bit strange, don't be alarmed! She just managed to run into zhe beam of mein medigun vhile i vas mit GLD Scout.. Und zhen she threatened to bash my kopf in if I didn't give her more. So ja, if you run into her, reject her advances und send her my way IMMEDIATELY. I must figure out how to stop her.. Friendly behavior.. Before someone ends up pregnant....

Ohgottohgottohgott please hurry, I've been scarred for life, no matter how many showers I take I still feel dirty und taken advantage of, HELP

>>1078
FUUUUCK
GodDAMNIT UV! I dragged him back to his base, but he was all touchy feely andand I dont even know, I feel fuckin violated!

Eh... I'll watch over RED Scout. Lawd knows I'm the only Asexual man in a million mile radius. So any move he tries on me, probably not gonna work...

Something tells me I'm now gonna be the center point of jokes just because I have no sex drive, etc.

>>1080
TAKE HIM! I dont know how much more of this I can stand! Babysitting his tenticled ass was fine and all, but licking is NOT ok!

Docs, please, any of you, is there a way this can be reversed?

Am telling you all. Good bouncy is what little Scout man-girl need. Will fix everything. Be trusting.

>>1082
Heavy, man, I know you're always right but I really, really, reallllly dont think you are right now!
And, no offense Scout, I don't think anyone would want to "bouncy" with him in this state anyway.

>>1083
Leetle GLD Scout say he think RED Scout look nice. Maybe he would do the bouncy, da?

Or maybe you, Pyro? You are being RED Scout's friend. Is just to help him, after all. You are liking men, da? Leetle Scout is sort of like man. And sort of like his mama now too. You liked her, da? Is perfect!

>>1082

You know.... for once and probably once... I may have to agree vith GRN Heavy in saying ze only vay Scout vill calm down is zhrough intercourse... Or ve could try to put him on 'ze pill'. Maybe someone has some 'toys' zhey can use on him? Be safer zhat ze real zhing.

I'm going to rally ALL ze Medics around (looking at you UV and GRN) and come up vith a vay to change RED Scout back. Ve may have to build up a mega ubercharge vith all our mediguns set to neutral-non team colors. I don't know vhat zhat vill do, but it could be our last hope.

>>1084
What? NO! Im his friend, but I've never thought of him that way! And he does look like his ma now, but that's just creepy!

>>1085
Ewno, not while he's still under the influence of whatevers in UV's Medigun. Just doesn't seem right, yknow? Try putting him on the pill?

>>1087
I have tried. He refuses to take any sort of medication. It is not a recent development, though- the poor boy, er...SCOUT has always been afraid of needles, and could never really swallow any sort of pill. And I am reluctant to put him on any other sort of hormone-based medication, considering what sort of mess it got us into before.

I, too, believe GRN Heavy is right, Herr Pyro. The Scout has fallen into what one would call a hysterical state, and what do you think the primary method of non-medicinal therapy was for hysteria?

I have already sought out SLVR Sniper's help, und we have chained the Scout to a bed in mein quarantine room.

Whenever you are ready, Herr Pyro.

>>1088
Nein, Herr RED. If anyone is to help Scout in ze only vay possible... it might as vell be me. I've saved RED Scout quite a few times down in ze sewers... I zhink it's ze least I can do.

>>1088
No! No no no! This is weird and wrong on too many levels! Do you really have to chain him up like that?
And NO!

Just... just find him a toy or something! That'll work, right?

>>1089 Very well. I warn you, though, Scout might have a bit more...energy than you can handle. Perhaps the Engineer can whip up something to aid you in aiding the Scout.

Und Herr GLD? I know this will sound sappy, but please, be gentle with him...her...with the Scout. I would not go so far as to say that he is like a son to me, but I do not wish to see him hurt.

>>1091
Are we talking about the same Scout here, Herr Pyro? He is careless, reckless, and a horny teenage b...person. Give him a vibrator, and in his current state, he will merely shove it in, without any preparation or precautions.
Even under normal circumstances, leaving the Scout to his own devices regarding a matter such as this would be irresponsible.

>>1092

Vhat? You zhink I'm going to screw him? Nein, SLVR vill zhink I'm cheating on him or somezhing..

I have a special glass I keep chilled on... 'special' occations. I zhink he'll find it most suiting. I know SLVR liked it... he bought it! I usually don't approve of tentacle shaped glass dil-

[rest has been scratched off]

TOO MUCH INFORMATION DOC! Since when did you turn Gay? I thought you weren't interested in anyone... oh wait.. that event n' stuff...

- GLD Sniper

>>1094
Considering what the Scout has been through in the sewers, do you really think a tentacle-shaped anything is a good idea?

>>1095

I know! You can use my Thor bat! I've been dying to try this sucker out! Aw man, it's a sheer thing of beauty and terror all in one! Here, I'll leave it by the cork board to try out on REDFag!

[A dark blue bat shaped in a questionable item that wiggles and feels of soft rubber hangs off a hook near the cork board]

Vell... Zhis is very personal information..... But, if it'll help mit Scout's nonsense zhen I must confess... So be it. I guess zhis vas mostly my fault anyvay, ehe...

So.. I might have zhe largest... Uhm.. "Toy" collection out zhere.. Almost any you you can zhink of, und I know many many techniques on how to use zhem... Ah, fich... Vell, seeing as no one is going to (as she'd say) "bonk" her (vhich I zhink nobody should do, who knows vhat kind of mutations zhey'd get), zhen I vill provide zhis alternative... BUT I'M NOT HELPING HER ALONE. UND I'M NOT GOING TO STAY IN ZHE SAME ROOM.

>>1097
Danke, Herr UV. You do not have to be in the same room, if it makes you uncomfortable, but I will ask that you come to mein infirmary, with whatever 'toys' you think would best suit the Scout's situation (something not tentacle-shaped, and not a horse cock on a stick, preferably), and act as a consultant.

Ahem. I do believe RED Scout's escaped from wherever you where keeping her. I was just taking my nightly stroll when she came out of nowhere and tackled me. So instinctively I hit a few pressure points so she'd pass out. Ugh... I too, need a long shower... Anyway, I bound her hands & feet, thinking I'd just take her back to RED's infirmary. But SLVR Sniper also happened to be out walking, & offered to take her there for me. I trust SLVR Sniper, so I let him take her. I'm sure she got there okay, but I just wanted to let you all know.

>>1099
But, how on earth did he escape? Someone must have let him...

You say SLVR Sniper took him? But I have not seen him in hours. Not since he agreed to take Scout his dinner...

>>1100
Hmm... Well has somebody checked his van yet? That's where I usually find him.

>>1101 He has a van? I thought he just lived in that limo.

Take me to this van, Herr Spy, please. I will meet you at the entrance to SLVR base.

>>1102
As you wish, Monsieur RED. I'm on my way.

[written on gold paper]

I feel like a million dollars!

Mon dieu... What did I just see.....

>>1105
I'm not entirely certain of what you saw, Herr spy, but, speaking for myself, I can say it is an image that will not soon vanish from my retinas.

>>1105
>>1106
Huh? What happened?

>>1107

Five words: GLD Spy screwed RED Scout....

Damn mongrel player asshat twat!

>>1108
...oh.
Excuse me for a bit, I think I might do some Spychecking for the GLD Team.

>>1108
Is your anger directed towards GLD Scout, or RED Scout, Herr Sniper? I cannot help but read some degree of jealousy into your words.

Und WHERE were YOU while this went on? It was your van! Why were you not in YOUR van?

>>1110

RED Scout was trying to make some moves on me and when I wasn't takin' the bait, he threatens to leave and I said if I go make some treats and borrow a movie from GLD Pyro, would he calm down. He finally agrees and waits in the limo while I go bugg Py fer a copy of The Secret Garden n' A Little Princess just to shut Scout up. THAT'S when GLD Spy came up, asked what I was doin', and then "volunteered" to watch Scout while I make smores fer him.

GRN Py, you have mah full permission to burn his ass. He's nothin' but a 'player' and took back his promise of not sleepin' with anyone! Not mah bloody fault!


[A note is attached]

It was just a Saxxy copy dildo. You're just jealous because you're seeing RED Scout as the son/daughter you will never have because of your abnormal aversion to sexual desires. Hon hon hon.

-GLD Spy

>>1111
I see. I am sorry I misread your note, earlier. I thought you said GLD Scout was the one who...
I realize now that it was simply the GLD Spy disguised as him, but...

Oh well. What is done is done. How is the Scout now? Much calmer, I would imagine, based on the noises he was making earlier. Please, bring him to mein infirmary. I wish to perform an examination to ensure he did not contract anything, or that he was injured in any way.

God, this whole scenario is just plain fucked up!

All right all right, who took mein toys?!?? I put zhem in RED's infirmary just like RED Medic vanted me to, but he said I never dropped zhem off!!! Some of those vhere my favorites!!!! IF I FIND YOU, I VILL GO GRN MEDIC ON YOUR ARSCH!!!!!!

>>1115

.... I'm sorry man. I'm... like... sooooo high off yer fumes and... holy shit the walls are breathing and yer toys make the flowers on the ceiling grow... I think I see Slinkies going around the base and ... whoa... My pen wiggles, heheheh.. It's GeTTin... haRDer 2 RitE.....

[the rest of the note is shear ink blobs and chicken scratch. ]

>>1118
What the hell do you put in your medigun and where can I get some?

>>1118
Vell geez Scout, if you vanted zhem you could've asked, you know I've let you use zhem before. Also get back to my infirmary! You cause too much trouble vhen you're loopy!

>>1119
Und zhe only vay to "get some" is via my medigun. Bring GRN Spy mit you und I'll let you both try it.

I have good news, great news, and some.... news.

Good news is I found RED Scout and took him to mein infirmary to examine in making sure nozhing has been injured or vorse. Zhen I killed him in hopes of killing off anyzhing before it takes hold and becomes part of his Respawn code.

Ze GREAT news is upon going to RED Spawn, RED Scout is 100% back to normal! No more gender confusion or add-ons or zhings ve don't on ze bases!

And for some news... I can't find SLVR Scout anyvhere and no one seems to be able to find him except SLVR Soldier stating he's "up vith ze coo-coos at RED doc's." Not sure vhat zhat means... and I'm afraid to find out....

>>1123
You're sure he's back to his old self? No more flirting and giggling and licking and shit like that? No fucked up side effects this time? You're positive?

>>1123
I believe the Soldier is merely referring to my birds. The SLVR Scout seems to have developed some sort of fascination with them.

>>1124 I would not say he is completely back to normal, but physically he is symptom-free. He just seems to be having a bit of a hard time coming to terms with everything that happened.
Has anyone seen GRN Pyro? The Scout could use someone to talk to, I believe, and I am too busy keeping SLVR Scout from chasing my birds all over the place.

[the note is dotted with blood, some blood smears with tuffs of feathers sticking ]

FUCK WHERE DID THESE THINGS COME FROM!? Crap I can't get them off me! This can't be real! Someone rip these things off me, I can't do it myself!

>>1125
Thought I saw 'im earlier, 'e was comin back from the UV base and acting a bit off. Was mumblin on to 'imself and just kept laughin.

...Maybe I'm taking too much UV medigun fumes but... I could of sworn I saw SLVR Scout up on RED's roof with no ladders or means of getting up there, getting pestered by those doves of RED Doc's. Maybe I should sober off those fumes... but man they make me feel like superman.

Anyways, RED n' SLVR Medics ought to go see what's up with SLVR Scout and how he got up on the friggin' roof...

Ugh.. SLVR Scout, come visit me please. If zhe birds follow you zhat's fine. I just gotta run some tests und see vhat's up before you respawn mit feathers und a beak.... Und RED Medic you might as vell come over too. I could use your help. Und they are your birds anyvay, you might vant zhem back.

>>1136
Derp, pretend that was SLVR Medic

SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY FOURTH OF JULY!

I knew that this day would come, and it is the most glorious of American days! Gather round ladies, Judgment Day is here and God's messenger has chosen to perch on RED's roof so forward to victory! That angelic being may look scrawny but those white wings and RED Doc's doves surrounding it is undeniable proof we are all being saved!

For the rest of you commie scum, enjoy your last moments before Hell rises for your all!

>>1138
You know what we need? Fireworks!
Fireworks and beer!
And ribs!

>>1139
I got a stash of fireworks and I bet you anything some of the other Pyros have a few, we could shoot em off in celebration of RED Scout getting back to normal! And the Fourth of July, I guess. Bet'cha we could scrounge together enough booze and ribs between our Demos and Soldiers in time to do it all tonight, too!

>>1140
Haha! Fireworks for me? Sweet. You're the best, pal.

And yeah, let's get some beer and shit up in here! I could stand to get wasted after all the shit I been through.

>>1140
This is gonna be so cool!

I snagged a case of GRN issued beer off our Demo and got some roman candles and a few of the bigger sorts of fireworks set up out near that baseball diamond by RED Base. Even rigged my flaregun to shoot off some half-decent fireworks!

Anyone got any sort of food? My team's Soldier had his ribs barricaded in a refrigerated safe.

>>1138

Ah heh heh... Herr Soldier. Zhat's not an Angel on ze roof of RED base... zhat's SLVR Scout. I'm not sure how he's acquired... vings but I have a hunch. He von't come down, so a ladder will be needed to bring him down and see how to go about fixing zhis new problem. First RED Scout now SLVR? Bah... I svear I zhink zhat Bonk drink should be banned from use ever.

>>1143 Just get GRN fag Spy to pick the lock?

>>1144 You shut your mouth, doc. That shit is fucking awesome.

>>1145
Handt thought of that, actually. After some persuasion I got him to pick the lock, and now we got some ribs and a bunch of brats. I could probably get a decent bonfire going to get it cooked.
If Soldier asks where his meat went, blame it on SLVR Scout

I tried some of RED's Bonk! once, I dont remember anything about what happened but it did taste pretty good. Maybe Scouts just dont do well with respawning?

Aw, shoot, looks like I missed th' 4th. You fellas want a late BBQ, anyway? Figured I'd break th' new grill in.

>>1150
If you can find any meat left on this compound, hardhat, more power to ya.

We kinda got a little carried away with our barbecue. Once GRN Spy picked the lock of their meat locker, we kinda got him to do the same with, well, every base.
So now we got no meat left (unless somebody's been like, hoarding it in their room, or somethin), and we all gained like, a million pounds from eating all that food.
Except for me, ya know, 'cause I got like a wicked metabolism or some shit. So yeah, I still look fine. Totally.

I feel sick. Like really sick, I don't know if I'm hungover or what. I think I was drinking last night... ugh... I don't remember. Jesus. It's tuesday, right?

Ooh hoohoo.. Zhat certainly vas fun! Hope everyone enjoyed mein medigun, it really made zhe fireworks... "Pop!" Ehehehe... (und give me a visit if you have any veird side effects)

>>1153
Okay doc, something is definately wrong.
First off, it's been like, four days and I still feel... all... wierd. It doesn't even feel like a hangover anymore. I don't even remember what happened on the fourth, but I probably got some of whatever's in that medigun.
Now I have this wierd tingling in my legs... as well as in... some... other places.

>>1187
Whoops, hah. um. pretend that was BLK scout

>>1187
Hmm.. Ask GLD Scout about zhe tingling. I zhink he found somezhing to do about it. Although he hasn't told me vhat it is..

>>1191
Urg. Pretend that was UV Medic.

>>1191

Why me!? Ugh... if I remember correctly... it involves one hand and a dirty magazine...

>>1187
You wanna borrow this Saxxy award thing? GLD Spy left it behind for me, back when I had a cunt, but now that I got a dick again, I dunno what the fuck I'll do with it.
Got rid of that weird tingly feeling I had then.

Anybody seen GRN Pyro? After he got shot up on UV Doc's medigun, he told me to 'take good care' of his flamethrower, and then he winked, so I dunno what the fuck he expected me to do, but I still got this thing, and I don't want it.

>>1194
I swear, I typed in RED Scout in the name bar. Oh well. At least I'm not a combo breaker, eh?

Dammit, you guys. It's not that kind of tingling. I'm telling you, it's really not like anything I've ever felt before. I can't explain it, it just feels... different... and it's not so low anymore, now it's like, in the torso area. My hands feel like they're on fire or something. I'm goin' to go see UV doc, I'm sure he can tell me what's wrong with me.

>>1194
I woke up face down in UV's pool, wearing a sparkly balaclava. Got a worse headache than any hangover I ever had and Im missing my mask and a boot.

Could you bring me it? I cant figure out where the hell my mask is, and I dont wanna leave my base with this gaudy thing on.

>>1200
Sure pal, no problem.

Oh, and I found your mask, too. GRN Spy was passed out on the field between our base and yours. He was naked, 'cept he had your mask on his junk.
I ain't gettin' that to ya.

>>1151

Ha, that don't surprise me any. Well, we'll figure somethin' out in the meanwhile. Anyone know if we got a supply train comin' in soon?

>>1202
Dammit, dammit, dammit. That was me. 11 PhDs and I can't fill out a form right; ain't that somethin'?

>>1202

Nein, I haven't heard from ze supply trains yet. However, if it doesn't show up by ze veekend... I'll... buy everyone dinner. Steak and lobster dinner I believe everyone vill like. Zhat's like... pocket change for me.

Also, SLVR Medic, you may vant to get your Scout off ze roof again. He's still... you know, and I am hesitant on sending him to RED Medic since it vas his birds afterall...

>>1201
Er, eheh.
Suppose I should go and drag him back before he wakes up. I'll just wear one of his masks until then, I guess. I think I look rather dashing in these things anyway.

[a brightly colored, sparkly balaclava is pinned to the board]
I have no idea whose this is, but you can have it back.

>>1198
I have no clue what's wrong vith you. Come visit und I'll try to find out though.

>>1205
Oh, zhat's our Spy's. It's his party mask, his normal one is black mit white designs on it (very pretty). I'll just take it back to him, he's staying with me und GLD Scout anyvay.

>>1204
Vell, I visited zhe rooftop, und he vas asleep. Could you just.. Tell him I have cupcakes or something vhen he vakes up? Zhat vorked last time I tried.

>>1207
I have some cupcakes drugged with sleeping draught, if you would like to use them as bait. Someone left them for the Scout, but he was uncharacteristically cautious und got me to test them. Loaded with enough knock-out pills to take down a horse for 12 hours, at least.

>>1206
I'm on my way.

Sooo... You know how it's become über common for scouts to get all zhese bad mutations und vhatnot? Vell, it's happened! Again.. But zhankfully zhe mutation is much MUCH cooler zhis time! So BLK Scout came in, vondering vhat vas vrong vith him. Und I had no idea vhat to do. So I took him into mein laboratory und gave him one of zhe brownies I just made, just to see if anyzhing interesting vould happen to him (don't vorry about zhe brownies, zhere vere only shrooms in zhem). Und ve vere having a good time, playing some games, und all of a sudden zhe power goes out. Zhis isn't a problem for UV base, ve have tons of glow in zhe dark items. But Scout got freaked out, und, get zhis, he started shooting firevorks out of his palms!! Zhat vas freaking awesome. So zhen I ran some tests to see how zhis happened, seeing as he didn't respawn at all during zhe festivities, und I found out it's basically just a mixture of radiation from Bonk! und various firevork debris from handling all zhose firevorks.

Also I have no clue vhere he ran off too. Should probably fix zhat...

>>1211

Herr, zhere's no such zhing as a 'cool' mutation! You better fix BLK Scout as soon as possible VITHOUT hash brownies or chemicals to further make problems for everyone. Eventually it could spread to everyone and zhen ve'll have one big freaking Nucleus Incident on our hands! I'm going to get SLVR Scout down from ze RED's roof and have his vings clipped just so he von't fly off again zhen take him to RED Medic to have ze vings removed as soon as possible.

Ugh, all zhis running around and performances is driving me nuts. I feel like a damn dolphin performing trick for everybody now! Ugh.

>>1211
I wonder how much Bonk! and propane it would take to make me breath fire or something...

>>1212
[the note is written on mildly scorched paper]
What?! Who said I wanted to "fix" this? I'm like a fuckin' super hero! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go learn to control my new FUCKING AWESOME SUPER POWER! It has something to do with some sort of combination of my heart rate and hand position or some shit like that.
...Oh, and one more thing... you'll only find me if I let you find me.

>>1219
So that freakish, fire-ball explosion I saw near your base totally wasn't you, and you totally wouldn't want some help keeping your clothes from catching fire?

Cause it's not like I dont know about that sorta stuff or anything.

>>1219
WHAT THE FUCK?!

BLK Scout gets fucking superpowers, and all I got was a vagina? That is not cool, man. Not fair at all.
I hate this base.

>>1221
You had tentacles for a while, that was kinda cool.

And at least you got something, some folks don't have the privilege of being irradiated.

>>1223
Herr Pyro is right, Scout. There are some poor RED Operatives in China who have no mutations at all. You should be thankful you got to have two whole helpings of them.

>>1219
Okay, so maybe you can find me. But I know for a fact none of you can catch me, exept for another scout, maybe... but no one else!
If you could come with me that'd be great, but don't try and take me back to GLD doc... y'know, if he sent you out here.

I hate being vrong.

Nein, mark zhat, I DESPISE being vrong.

Case in point: found out today RED Scout isn't really cured as I had zhought he vas. Because ze next zhing I know, after bumping into him by accident, not only did he vake up fraulein again from a nap... but he apparently can go tenta by mental vill. In ozher vords... he has some sort of super powers in swapping genders and... vhatever a tenta really is.

Someone strike me vith lightning now. I'm going insane.

>>1227

GLD Medic is half-right. The Scout may be able to change into a fraulein, und a squidbeast by mere will, but changing back is not so easy. He keeps getting stuck as both of them at the same time.
So we now have a tentacled, horny, prone-to-moodswings, irradiated teenage timebomb on our hands. And whatever BLK Scout is.

If anyone needs me, I will be hiding in the supply cabinet. I am not going through this again.

[this note is splattered with ink]
Hey, GRN Py? I sorta got tentacles again, so I can't really walk anymore. And plus I'm REALLY lonely, like...REALLY REALLY lonely. So can you like, come carry me around, and hang out with me and shit? Please?

>>1229
Sure, man,
>>1228
but if you try any freaky tentacle stuff Im gonna just drop you and stand off a ways until you calm down or something.

What about me!? I have wings for crying out loud! I would be flying around if GLD and SLVR doc hadn't of caught me on the roofs and had my feathers clipped. Not cool man. I was gonna see if I could fly as fast as a airliner!

So I take it just me, RED and BLK Scout eh? Does that make us super heroes or something!? Oh man, wicked cool! Though I don't think GLD Medic's real happy, he seems really stressed out....

HEY RED SCOUT! Go do yer 'special' stuff on the doc! Maybe he'll feel better!

[paper is smeared with blood and writing is shaky]

Look, guys, I dun wanna burst your bubbles, but our spy went fuckin' insane... There's blood everywhere, fuck, only me, Engie and Sniper got out, Engie has a bullet hole right through his fucking shoulder... I don't know if anyone else has gotten out, but last I saw Spy was cuttin' Medic's neck... Fuckfuckfuck, I think everyone is dead but [the rest is scrawled and unreadable]

>>1232

... Alright, who wants to go find the Spy?

>>1235
I'll do it!

>>1235

>>1236
Thanks guys, really. Do you have a medic around or something? Sniper says that Engie's getting infected or some shit.

>>1237
I will bring mein medigun. Tell the Engineer to sit tight.

>>1236
I can help, and I'm sure RED Scout would love something to do that doesn't involve me having to drop him every five minutes.

It's still creepy when he gets all hormonal.

Um, I need to ask any of the other Engineers this since ours is working on... other things.

Any of you hardhats know how to make a bathtub with wheels that can be moved like a car or something? And uh... can it be delivered to our GLD Medbay? It's uh...... for doc. Um... yeah.

Okay I admit it! I gave him some bonk to try and now he's a freakin' half flipper mermaid thing after a respawn accident involving a duel with SLVR Medic! Oh gawd! Oh Gawd!

>>1241

Damn it boy, I told you I vas fine in ze vheelchair!

Now before ve have anozher freak fest.. Ja, vhat GLD Scout is half correct and rest assure I VILL get zhis changed back to normal as soon as possible but in mein accident I found a plausible reason for ze 'mutations' vith some of ze scouts and meinself. After looking at ze damn can I vas given earlier.. come to find out ze Bonk! drinks are two years past zheir shelf date! I'm going to figure a vay to reverse ze effects on us (yes BLK Scout, zhat means you too! I razher ze bases be normal zhan horde a freak fortress!) Based on mein research.. zhere might be a cure in ze most unlikely of zhings: Heavy's sandvich.

I'm allowing GLD Engineer to take over for me vhile I perform further studies on changing us all back.... And ze first person vho throws a fish at me for a trick gets to be sawed open vith ze vita-saw!

Vhen I said I vanted to be struck down by lightening for zhis insanity, I didn't mean to make me be a part of it!

P.S: ALL Scouts, you are forbidden from drinking Bonk! until a new shipment arrives! You are to remove all existing cans zhat clearly show zhey are two years old!

>>1246
Aww, I wanted to be awesome too.

But Ive grabbed all the Ionized Apple that said it's expired from our Scout.
I guess they just dont send in bigger sipments of Bonk! that often.

>>1238

Thanks Doc. What is this about mutation shit? From drinking Bonk!? Fuck, this is why we didn't communicate much. But really, two fucking YEARS out of date? And I thought Iwas a moron.

>>1246
NO! I like shooting fire from my hands, who wouldn't? Did I mention I don't even need a reading light anymore? I can light my hands up like freakin' flashlights now! I am NOT going back to being just a normal scout, you can't make me!

What the shit? You Scouts get super powers and all I fucking get is an insane spy? That is so retarded!

>>1251

Can I get my hands on any of that Bonk!? I haven't had any in DAYS!

I think it's getting worse... or someone failed to tell BLU Scout about the expired sodas because I accidentally shot him while trying to against GLD Sniper in a class fight and well...

The boy respawned as a ghost. Or at least I think it's a ghost. He can be solid when he wants to but can slip through walls and things.

Also, who keeps leaving flowers on the stoop of mah limo van's door? RED Scout I'm looking at you.

>>1254
What? I thought you'd like 'em. And hey, the least you could day is say 'thanks'. You got any idea how hard it is for me to haul myself out there and back with these fucking tentacles? I get dried out something fierce! Damn near died one time!

WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!

[tear stains]

>>1256
He's just a Sniper and too Australian to thank you properly, now will you stop crying on my suit about it? The color's gonna fade if you keep it up, man.

Our Scout's got a skateboard around somewhere, you think that would help you get around better?

>>1256

I don't hate ya! Yer a nice kid and all, I just ain't use to that kind of admiration is all. Look, if I offered to carry ya around piggy-back style if ya need it, would that help?

>>1258

I'm New Zealander... GLD Sniper's the Aussie of the rich teams. I thought you guys figured us out by now..

>>1258
Nah man, you know my tentacles'd get caught under the wheels. That fuckin' hurts.

>>1259 I'll take you up on that, kiwi humper. Wanna hang out? I got my human legs back for a bit, but who knows when they'll switch back.
I also kinda got my um...other problem goin on though, so, sorry if I act all bitchy. I don't mean to.

>>1260
Sure, I don't mind hanging out, though would you please not refer to me as a 'kiwi humper'. It's kinda rude.

Meet me at SLVR's Base front and we'll go for a stroll out in the fields or something.

>>1263
Fuckin' sweet, man! I'll wear my skort.

...'Cause, you know, in case my tentacles pop out again. Don't want my pants gettin' all torn up, ya know?

>>1264
Sound's like you're going native, man.

Soooo... yeah, I kind of... set my room on fire last night... It didn't spread. I put it out, but my bed is a pile of ashes, so is the rest of everything in my room. Can I stay with someone until I have a place to sleep again?

>>1269

Sure you can, right in MY infirmary inside zhis nice stainless steel cage suspended over a bed of sand so you CAN'T catch anyzhing on fire until I fix your problem like RED, BLU, and SLVR Scout's problems!

Or I can subject you to a episode of "Scouts gone Wild". You're choice, fire-boy.

>>1270
WHAT THE FUCK?! Spy said he erased those tapes, man!

>>1271
Eh.. RED Scout, GLD vas just bluffing about zhe video so.... Vhat in zhe VORLD are you talking about???

Why is there so much shit I dunno about? I have a weird feelin' that there is a lot more to this?

By the way, RED Medic, what did you mean by "psycho-thingy test"? Oh, any snipers that read this, our sniper wants to hang out sometime.

[Scribbled underneath]

I can ask them myself, you little wanker! But yeah, that would be... Nice I suppose?

>>1273
'Psychiatric'. Considering the state of mind some of our Scouts are in (RED's identity and gender confusion, BLK's obstinateness regarding his superpowers, your post-traumatic stress stemming from the attack on your teammates), I think an exam of your psyches is in order. Talking about your problems may help to heal some of the hurt.

>>1272
Um....NOTHING.

Just, uh....I dunno, man! I was young and stupid, and I had boobs, and I thought SLVR Snipes'd like it, but then he wouldn't tell me when his birthday is, so I just hid the tape under his mattress.
Don't be mad at me, kay, Sniper?
[tearstains]

Also, I sprouted tentacles again. Little help?

>>1270
Noooo! NO NO NO! I told you man! I am not letting you take my powers away! You'd have to take them by force; that would involve catching me, and I doubt you could do that. I'll find somewhere else to sleep!

[a Polaroid picture has been pinned of what appears to be SLVR Sniper sleeping on a couch or bed with his hat covering over his eyes.... and RED fem!Scout resting on his shirted chest]

*in gold ink* Busted! Hon hon hon!

>>1279
...I don't know whether I should laugh or be mad at a certain Frenchy again.

>>1280
DON'T LAUGH AT OUR LOVE.

[tearstains]

>>1281
Too late.
You want I should be mad, then?

Medics, you better cure Scout right now or God help you! I know you got the means! Or at least some ideas! Something! I miss my non-sobby bro!

>>1283
We are trying, Herr Pyro, but it is proving difficult. The medigun and hormone therapies did not work, obviously. As it stands, we might just have to wait for the radiation to work its way out of his system, and hope his testosterone levels go back to normal. Perhaps there is some activity he could do in the meantime to encourage his body to produce more of it.
I don't know. Arm wrestle with him or something. I am out of ideas beyond 'wait and see', unfortunately. There is only so much I can do given my resources, and given the problem. I am sorry.

>>1285

Does that mean I have a sist- [the rest is scribbled out] How is Engie doing?

>>1288
He is doing just fine. The infection has cleared up, and he will be fit for duty in a matter of days.

Guys? I'm kind of homeless at the moment... Can I please stay with someone? It's freezing here at night and I hear wolves. Anyone? Anyone at all?

>>1292

Leetle Scout can stay with me! Come! We dance to loud music, da? Light up de whole base with Doktor too!

>>1292
You can have my room, man. I'm kinda, uh, sleeping somewhere else for a while. Ya know?

>>1294
I agree!! Alzhough you might have to stay mit me instead of Heavy, seeing as I have zhe least flammable room... (you can still sleep here if you vant zhough, Heavy) You vouldn't mind having GLD Scout as your roommate, ja? Heehee, it'll be like a big sleep ovah!

>>1289

Thank fucking god. You are a miracle man or some shit, I reckon.

>>1296

Can me and Snipes tag along? We have pretty much been sitting on our asses these few days and I need to do somethin'. Hell, I'll do anything as long as it is SOMETHING.

>>1297
Vhy of course! Mi Medibay es tu Medibay! Anybody's velcome!

By zhe vay, GLD und SLVR Medic, how did zhe Bonk you got from me vork out? UV Scout has been drinking it for a vhile und has respawned countless times, vith no interesting symptoms at all (no fun!)

>>1296
Thanks, man! I'll be over there as soon as possible.

>>1296
And I don't mind in the least! As long as GLD doc doesn't know where I am.

>>1297

Heck yes! We'll be right over, just dun tell RED Medic. We're under 'Carrotine' or somethin'.

>>1301
Um... You sure he didn't say 'quarantine'?

>>1302
YES! YES I DID! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY!?

It pains me to admit this, because frankly it sounds INSANE, but still, stranger things have happened here.

The WHT Engineer died last night, from his infection. And then five minutes later he came back to life...and not through respawn.

In short, the WHT Engineer is a zombie. A moaning, staggering, brain-hungry zombie. And there is a chance that the entire WHT team has been exposed.

And now that the WHT Scout and Sniper have broken the quarantine order, every mercenary on this compound is in danger.

If anyone needs me, I will be hiding under the desk in mein office, with a shotgun and a flashlight.

>>1304
Wait, so this means... zombie hunting?

S'cuse me while I run out there and kill some zombies! Pyros were made to survive zombie outbreaks!

>>1305
NEIN PYRO!

I am working on a cure for this zombie-ness, but I will need some assistance.
If any other Medics would like to come and assist me, I would be very grateful.

GRN Pyro, you can assist me by checking on the people outside of the bases, such as the Snipers in their lofts, or in their vans, and such. Especially SLVR Sniper. I believe RED Scout is out there with him, and I want to make sure the both of them are safe.

>>1306
Fiiiine. Maybe I can talk some sense into Scout while Im at it.

Gonna fight any zombies I see, though. Always wanted to punch one, like in those one movies.

>>1306

[note appears scratchy, not fancy writing for someone of higher expenses]

Fuck ya all, and leave me alone!

[there's a tiny drop of blood at the lower left corner of the note.]

>>1307
[The handwriting appears shaky, and the note is covered in tearstains]

Hey, Py? Can you, like, come help me? Somethin's wrong with Snipes- he...I dunno what's goin' on, but he's freakin' out. Tried to fuckin' bite me.

I'm scared. The hell's going on around here?

So. Engie died. An' then became a zombie. And now me and Snipes are going to become zombies. Fuck it, I haven't been scanned to respawn have I? Okay then. Time to hunt some fuckin zombies.

>>1309

I'll be right over. I reckon, if we kill 'im, he'll come back through respawn.

>>1309
Im comin, man! Just keep a door between you an him if you can!

WHT Scout, you get RED out of there and Ill take care of the Sniper. Maybe Respawn'll fix him. Hopefully.

The hell IS going on!?

I'm flying over to UV base cuz I heard there's a party going on and I saw SLVR Sniper... He um... and..

Fuck, he's gone into the sewers! I saw him go in the entrance and he wasn't lookin' so good. His skin was kinda going all gray with some black patches here and there and...

Um... question: do werewolves exist and can there be other creatures besides wolves? What's a native animal of New Zealand!?

>>1312
KIWIS. Fuck man, I dunno! Just...don't kill him! What if respawn don't fix this?!

Shit. This is like, the worst fucking time for my tentacles to show up, ya know? I dunno. Maybe it's...maybe it's a sign.

I'm goin after him. Sniper. In the sewers. Maybe I can talk him outta this or somethin'.

Ah fuck! Dammit dammit dammit! I swear, I didn't mean to! I'm sorry! I was outside... on my way to UV base... and SLVR snipes comes up and pins me to a fuckin' wall! He was trying to bite me and so... you know... acting off of instinct an' everything... I had my hands on his face trying to push him away. And, I guess I lost my cool, and I kind of burned him... and he kind of caught on fire... I swear to god It was an accident! I can't control my powers when I'm panicking like that! and... and I don't know if he's dead or what!
Oh god oh god oh god oh god I'm so so so so so sorry! Jesus Christ what have I done?

[note is written hastily]

Don't go into ze vater...
Don't go into ze vater...
Don't go...

[next sentence is in German and written in thick ink ]

Vorsicht vor dem Haifisch.

>>1315

No fuckin' way. I don't care about your "relationship" with the sniper. He isn't human anymore. I say the scouts stay together and if I start to turn, shoot me. Right in the fucking head, got it?

>>1319

I ain't human anymore, either, in case you ain't noticed the eight squirmy things coming outta my ass.
I don't care if it's dangerous. I ain't leavin' him down there.

>>1320
But you havent tried biting anyone.
And I mean, in a "Im going to eat your flesh" way, not a "Im crazy-horny way."

I guess I agree on not leaving the guy down there, wouldnt wish the other tentaspyguything on nobody and he's hurt and all, but do you think you can even move well enough to find him?

>>1321
I can swim around just fine, but somethin keeps trying to drag me down to the bottom. And I may have squiddy legs, but I don't got squiddy lungs. Respawning ain't fun.
Little help, pally? I mean, pretend like I'm you, and Snipes is GRN Spy, kay? You'd go in there after him, even if he was a crazy zombie-thing, wouldn't ya?

>>1322
... Alright, fine.
I'll come pick you up and get you to the sewers.

Just try not to get bit or anything, ok? If this is like zombies or werewolves, or whatever, it might be contagious. I wanna bail if we see that tentaspy.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!

EVERYBODY STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING!

I HAVE THE CURE!!!!

I found it quite by accident, really, and you will never believe what it is. This zombie-virus is more like an infection than anything. Treatment with antibiotics could theoretically work, but the body takes too long to absorb them in time to combat this illness. So I needed something that sped up with body's metabolism.

I will cut to the chase. Someone needs to drive to town and pick up every case of BONK they can get their hands on.

If ya'll are looking for SLVR Snipes, he's with us in the Sniper "clubhouse" (the tower just outside the bases).

Poor bloke's confused as hell. Found him wandering back out of the sewers with ripped clothes and smelling like he ate a sushi restaurant. Said he has no recollection of anythin' past RED Scout was trying to get all Squidy cuddling on him and he was gettin' uncomfortable and was gonna politely tell Scout he wasn't in the mood then poof! Black out.

Maybe one of the docs can figure this out. He ain't a zombie like some of WHT team are... For now, SLVR's staying up here in the clubhouse until this puzzle is solved, which means no one else is allowed up cept Medics and anyone who can help fix the problem.

>>1325
Is he okay?! Is he like... hurt or... burned or anything? I didn't mean to burn him! It just kind of... happened... tell him I said I'm sorry!

[paper is smudged with blood]

Don't ask what happened to Sniper. Just don't.

I didn't do it.

>>1327
What the fuck is going on?! That tears it! I am going to get those cases of BONK!
I'll be back later tonight. Keep an eye out for me, I'll need help getting them inside.
Damn, it's dark out there, and that rain is coming down pretty hard. Ugh. Wish me luck.

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!

Ze is important.. and embarrassing!

But I made dinner for GLD team as vell as visiting RED and SLVR Teams.. and vell.. I slipped somezhing special for SLVR Medic in his food, but apparently someone grabbed his plate because vhat vas suppose to be in it for him... didn't happen and so I deeply apologize to ze unfortunate soul vho ate ze vrong plate.

If you can just um... come to mein office, I have an antidote to cure ze 'overvhelming happiness' you may be experiencing in a certain area on ze body...

>>1328

Okay... But don't be long... Please? The shadows are- Just come back, got it?

>>1330
[A huge smiley face is drawn on this note]

Doc, man, I owe you one. Let's just say a certain formerly-asexual kiwi and I had a fun night, huh?

Hey, to all the fucking Spies out there. Ya can't call me a virgin no more, fags! Owned!

>>1332

It was a fun night indeed. Thank you Scout.

But your Sniper was in another "castle".

[an tiny drawing of a laughing spy in the corner is placed on the not]

Okay I have the BONK. I've parked right outside the entrance to RED base, the boxes are in the trunk and it's unlocked. Sorry doc, I would bring them in for you, but WHT scout needs me.

>>1327
I'm on my way. Stay calm, okay?

>>1334

...What?!

YOU SHAPESHIFTING MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND MAKE FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS OUT OF THEM.
[a crude drawing of Scout doing this is attached]

>>1337

... and this is coming from the guy who not to long ago... was taken to a baseball game with someone who was trying to make friends and suddenly Mr. GLD-ass Frog comes and all of a sudden it's "FUCK YOU ALL I AM NOT GAY" crap spewing and pointing to that "friend".

Yeah... I thought so.

>>1339
At least Im not the only one seeing this.

Cause you're still technically gay, buddy.
You got nothing on me this time, man! I replaced Doc's candies!

>>1339
I AM NOT GAY!

I HAVE A VAGINA! SO THAT...Okay, I'm not a chick or anything, but, I...I'm not gay either! I'm just a dude with a vagina! That's all! There ain't nothin' gay about it!

SO FUCK YOU.

[there is a glob of spit at the end of this note]

>>1341
Not gay but not a chick either... does that make you bisexual or something?

Ugh, as much as I love bein' all ghosty and shit stealing sodas from other Scouts... I think GLD Doc's right in that we need to all be back to normal.

>>1341
Aight, aight, calm down.
But do you plan to stay a dude-with-a-vagina-that-randomly-turns-all-squidly forever or do you plan on going back to just being a normal dude? Then what?

>>1343
[this note is covered in tearstains]

I'm normal...

>>1344
What Im saying is, if the docs actually do have a cure for you and the other Scouts, you'll be back to being a dudedude and not a dudelady. And your Sniper buddy is a dudedude, get it?

>>1345
Well, I mean, maybe I...maybe he...

FUCK MAN, WHY YOU GOTTA DO THIS NOW? I'M FUCKING SICK, AWRIGHT, SO JUST...PISS OFF.

I'll be in the medbay.

>>1346

Dude... Um. I'm just gonna stay with you until BLK scout comes back... I swear to god that I won't do any kinky shit to ya, promise. I just... Don't want another person to- [What looks to be a tear drop has erased the last few words]

Anyway... I have to protect other scouts, chick or not...

>>1346
Oh fich. Um...am I to understand that the GLD Spy has 'deflowered' the Scout? Is that correct?

Because in that case, I need to speak to the GLD Spy. Now. And while you are at it, can you get some anti-nausea medication from your infirmary? I have a feeling the Scout is going to go through quite a bit for a while.

>>1350
Waitwaitwait
WHAT

>>1351
Please, relax, Herr Pyro. It is a little too soon to say anything for certain, yet. It might just be the flu.

But, I mean, that doesn't account for Scout's, um...specific-area weight gain.

OH FICH. THE BONK.

>>1352
Maybe he's just fat! That must be it!
Yeeeeeah....

GogettheBonkrightnow

Shit, okay... Um, WHT Scout trusted me not to tell anyone where him and the rest of the scouts are, but... um... I'll try and talk to RED scout and... see if he's... y'know. But that's all I can do.

So, let's see... We've got zombies, a psychotic spy that no one has seen for days now, a confused and maybe infected sniper, almost every scout with some wierd-ass mutation including me, and now RED scout being possibly pregnant Did I forget anything?

Let's hope we find a way to make things normal again.

>>1354

Ja... ME!

But besides zhat, I spoke vith mein Spy on ze... matter according to vhat vas past down to me via ze medical line. He told me he used a sleeve as alvays and it didn't break, zhough now I am a tad stumped at RED Scout's condition.... unless.

Fich. Ze Tentaspy!

RED Doctor, you better have a cure ready and it better be true so ve can end zhis nightmare once and for all! Being vheelchair bound except in ze swimming pool is getting depressing!

>>1355
Why is it always ME who has to have the cure? You come up with something! I am done! I draw that line at dealing with the morning sickness of a teenage BOY!

>>1356

Because he's YOUR teammate, zhat's vhy.

You know.. I'm starting to zhink zhat maybe ve ALL should just zhrow avay zhis idea called 'friendship' because all it's doing is getting everyone in a vould of hurt, incidents occur to the point of insanity and improbability, and ve all pointing fingers at one anozher to "fix ze problem" vhen each team needs only to look out for zheir own members! Ja, let's go back to being vhat ve all vere HIRED to be: mercenaries.. except us GLDs and SLVRs... ve're actually nozhing more zhan cover boy magazine candidates vith "some" fighting on ze side for the Mann Co. Gentleman's editions.

Or maybe I'm just tired and exhausted from all zhis. I need a vacation... again.

>>1350

>>1354

>>1357

Fuck that... Look, I really want to help and shit, but this is getting out of hand. I'm getting the fuck out of this god-forsaken hell-hole. I'm headin' straight to H.Q. I'll be back in a few days.

If anyone wants to come along, meet me near the gate.

>>1358
I'll go, wait for me.

>>1358

Whoa! Whoa! No jumping boat yet! Dude, RED Medic managed to pull something outta of his ass in Science thingy and with the fresh new bonk sodas...

IT WORKS!

Sad I lose my wings and all, but I think we need to get back to the way things were and stuff. So I yanno crazy shit's going down bros, but trust me, it works! Everyone can get back to normal now!

>>1364

I never said I'm jumpin' the goddamn ship. I just need higher-ups to look into this and make sure it doesn't happen again. And I need a vacation, I swear to fuck that I'm getting greys.

Anyway, RED Medic said it best, go back to being what we were. Pawns of the companies. And hopefully I'll get a new team and the Spy will burn in hell.

>>1359

I'll be leaving in 2 hours, if your gunna bring anyone, tell me soon.

>>1365
I'll be there. I'll be alone.

Well. We're back. Look, I dun wanna to talk about it. BLK can explain, I'm going back to the base.

Come get me you Spy sonnovabitch! I dare ya!

>>1401
Why do I have to tell 'em?

>>1412
Damn it! That was me.

[Writing is shaky and uneven]

>1412

Because I'm tired, only had about an hour's sleep in six days and I can't my hands.

>>1412

>>1414

See?

>>1415
Ugh. Fine.
Okay, so as it turns out, there's no one at H.Q. no one. It's completely abandoned, and from the looks of things, it's been like that for a while now. So, um... we aren't being watched... at all... we probably won't be getting any more supplies on the trains anymore.
And on the way back, we ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere and we had to walk the rest of the way back. That didn't go very well, it took forever and we kind of ran into WHT spy about a mile or two from the bases. And we may or may not have pushed him into a ditch and ran away, it was raining pretty hard and he probably got some alot of mud on his suit. He most likely will try to kill me and WHT scout when he gets here. I also burned him, it was an accident

So long story short, no one is watching us or sending us any more... anything,there's a deranged spy coming to kill us both, and WHT scout and I are both really sick from spending three days in pouring rain.

And the bases may or may not be less than a mile away from a massive nuclear power plant. Just sayin'.

>>1417
This just had to happen right when my base ran dry on propane, too...

Try staying in a Pyro or Spy's place, those tend to be pretty secure against enemy Spies. We're a paranoid bunch.

>>1417
No supplies?! Fich. Und we needed prenatal vitamins for the Scout...

Und yes, the Scout IS pregnant, and nein, I have not been able to contact the alleged father. If anyone sees the GLD Spy, send him to mein infirmary.
Und if anyone has any items we could use for a baby, such as clothing, or a blender to make baby food, we will need them in about...a month.
The BONK has speeded this pregnancy up immensely. I fear what this baby will come out as, though, because of it.

>>1418 And Herr Pyro? The Scout has requested your presence yet again. And some pickles if your base happens to have them. He probably wants you to chase down that GLD Spy. The pickles are likely just a craving, though. Unrelated.

WHAT

I've got a jar of pickles in my personal snack stash, I'll bring 'em over. And don't worry about that Spy, I'll wring his scrawny neck and THEN drag his sorry, respawned ass back to you guys.
...speaking of which, if HQ isn't keeping tabs on us, does that mean respawn even works anymore? They always sent their own guys it over to fix it if ours got buggy. Engie couldn't even begin to figure it out.

I might not... I wouldn't kill anyone if I were you... not until we get this sorted out.

>>1428
Shit, I meant to say it might not. All this stress is makin' it hard for me to think straight.

>>1421

Um... I can run to the base if you need stuff like that. Doc was really into that herbal shit before... Dun worry, just tell me what you need.

Also, if ya need help with getting the kid out, I helped Ma with my lil' sis.

>>1434
Danke, Herr Scout. I will make up a list for you.

[attached is a list of various vitamins and other drugs]

Und danke, but based on the ultrasound, I think I will need someone...stronger, to aid in Scout's delivery. No offense, but...
Alright, I'll just come out and say it. The baby is a tentacled monster.

[attached is another note, covered in tearstains]
YOU SHUT UP ABOUT MY BABY! IT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
-RED SCOUT

>>1444
...would the delivery of that thing even be safe? For Scout, I mean.
I have no idea where to find that Spy, I've looked practically everywhere by now. He's probably bolted since HQ isn't paying us any attention.

And I'm still not clear on what Scout was asking me to do. He She mentioned something about finding that Spy and just started blubbering on over something else entirely through a mouthful of pickles.

>>1445
You get used to the food-filled mumbling after a while. I'm better at translating radish-and-ice-cream speak, but from what I could gather, it seems he wants you to talk to SLVR Sniper about all of this, but he doesn't want him to be angry at him. How you do that, I don't know. I'm busy preparing mein infirmary for the arrival of an ungodly little monster that will likely try to eat us all the moment it pops out.
Speaking of the delivery, no, it will not be safe, which is why I am performing a C-section. I never pass up an opportunity to cut up mein patients, after all.

>>1446

Okay, I got the stuff. I put the box just outside your office. And the kid is gonna be a tentacle monster? At least it doesn't have a bala-thingy. I still wanna help out. After all, he she is a Scout. And one of the important things of being a Scout is to watch out for each other.

Um.... why is there a big crater where GLD and SLVR's base use to be with a sign in front of it saying:

"SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH CAVIAR"

Did they just... abandon ship on us already?

>>1449

They blew themselves off the face of the planet. Nice.

>>1446

Hey, I just remembered, wasn't there a friendly Spy with tentacles in one of the sewers? Couldn't he help?

>>1450
Perhaps, but as far as I am aware, GRN Spy was the only one with any contact with him. I have no idea where to even seek this creature out, let alone how to go about asking for his assistance.
If someone wants to take up this mission, by all means, do so. I will be busy attending to the morning-sickness of an adolescent boy with a squid in his belly.

>>1449
SLVR Sniper's fancy limo-bus-camper thing wasn't even there anymore.
I swear to god, Im gonna wring that Spy's neck if I ever see him. And that Sniper. Not to death, but pretty damn close.

And, speaking of Spies, I haven't seen ours for a bit. Most of my team seems like they're missing or left, actually. It's kind of creepy how empty this place is.

>>1453
[this note is soaking wet with tears]
You mean, he...he left? Just like that? Without even saying goodbye?

>>1456
Now, now, Scout. I bet his team figured it would be best to leave, what with all this craziness happening. He might not have had a choice in the matter.

Hell, he might even be nearby still. There's a town an hour or two from here, yeah? I can go check that out.

>>1457
Yeah, okay. You do that. And don't you fucking leave me too!

[a bloody handprint]

Uh...anybody seen the doc? Think somethin' is goin' on with [this trails off into wild scribbling]

JESUS CHRIST. SOMEONE FUCKING HELP.

>>1458
FICH FICH FICH.

If there are any Medics available, I would be most grateful for their assistance! Labor and delivery is not one of my specialties! Especially when a tentacled little monster is involved!

>>1458
>>1459
OK CHANGE OF PLANS
I CHECK TOWN LATER, HELP SCOUT NOW

I used to help my mom with puppies waaaay back when I was a kid, maybe that's close enough? No idea where our doc is.

>>1460
[this note is covered in chocolate stains]

I am coming, relax. I am sure this little creature cannot be as bad as RED Medic is making it out to be.

[a blood-covered note is pinned to this one]
I am allowed to be wrong once, aren't I?!

I am going to bed, to escape this nightmare. Have fun babysitting.

>>1461
Ohmygodthatwastheworstthingever,Scoutyoucrushedmyhand.

I need a drink after that chaos.

>>1462
Ja. Who knew that's how male squids gave birth? Well, I suppose it is a good thing Scout changed back, or we would have all missed out on an interesting science lesson.

And I take everything about the ultrasound back. This little tentacled darling is just PRECIOUS! I never want to let him go!

>>1462

I zhink I found SLVR Sniper for RED Scout...

After the rich teams disappeared, a new high-end bar and lounge opened up named "The SLVR Bullet". Somezhing tells me SLVR Sniper owns zhat lounge... Someone should go down and fetch him.

>>1463

He/she/it will have venom, just you wait. But can I hold the little guy for a bit? I've been kinda lonely since BLK Scout fucked off doing god-knows-what.

>>1465
Not until my turn is done!
Then I gotta run out and drag SLVR Snipes back here so he can hold it.

>>1465
I've been in my base trying not to get killed! Remember, WHT spy... trying to kill us?

[the note appears as if it were slighty wet before, but has dried up since then]

Er.. It was a bit hard, getting up here, but I made it. I zhought I smelled anozher tenta somezhing, but I am not sure what exactly. I just zhought maybe I could help out, especially after reading zhe above notes & finding out it's a baby.. Scout somezhing? Anyway, I'll be staying in GRN Spy's bazhtub if you need me.

Also, beware of zhe other tentaspy. If I can smell zhe child, so can he.

>>1469

We pushed him in a ditch and set 'im on fire. I think he's gone. It was a pretty deep ditch.The only problem is that I burnt my base to the ground. Before ya ask, I'm hangin' out in RED Medic's lab

>>1470

So you're tellin' us, there is a hungry tentacled Spy monster that wants to eat the... Um... Tentascout? Can't we kill it with fire or somthin'?

>>1471
Not... Eat, exactly. Depending on how zhe baby smells, he could eizher zhink of him as competition & try to kill him, try to raise him as his own, or have... Ozher feelings for it. For my personal self, he smells like a child. So I can tolerate him. But no two tentaspies are alike, so I don't know how Monsieur BLU will act.

>>1472

So you're gonna like... Help out? And keep the other tentaspy away?

>>1471
You dont think I already tried that? Fire just doesn't want to stick to tentawhamatsits.

And I got hold of SLVR Sniper, but I dont know what his plan is. I let him in on what's just happened and he looked a little pretty shocked.

>>1471
I guess you're right, then. I worry too much.

>>1474

What about gettin' yer axe? After all, if it bleeds, it can die, right?

What about watchamacallit... Napalm?

>>1476

Yeah, I reckon we can stop runnin' and hidin' like pussies. But he may might be still alive so be on yer guard.

>>1477
Attacking the thing head-on could work, but it's a helluva lot stronger than me and I'd rather not go on a suicide mission if I can avoid it. At least not without knowing whether respawn's working.

Napalm should work fine, though. I still got a few nape' grenades left. Anyone else nearby would just need a suit to keep the stuff off themselves.

>>1479

But hey, we can kill it! That's a start!

So after bein' dragged from MAH Lounge I finally set the money aside to open, I get brought back here for some... news.

But first I'm sure everyone is wonderin' what happened to SLVR n' GLD's bases so let me give you the short story: Our Pyros had an argument, one sat the gasline on fire and everyone escaped just as it all went BOOM. So we contacted our second employers (seeing the first has mysteriously vanished like yours), and we're bulldozin' the site and rebuilding a even better base site but it's comin' out of everyone's bank accounts so everyone's split to gain money to replace those gaps and I opened up a fancy bar and lounge. You know.. like martinis and cocktails.

So when I came to see RED Scout.. see what's happened.. I'd never thought I'd say this but...

I'm proud to finally be somethin' else: a Dad.

So what if the tike's got extra limbs n' all? He's got mah eyes, can't be any more overjoyed. I feel horrible though... the fact that I thought I'd never have littl' nippers runnin' around being usually unable to 'get up' or aroused.

So Scout... I deeply apologized but it really was me that night, I couldn't take the guilt so I bribed GLD Spy to lie and say it was him in disguise. So sorry for that kind of pain n' all. Hope you can forgive me and if it goes without sayin'.. I don't mind if you want to forget me and never see me again.

Damn this is one long note, but at least I'm able to remove this weight off mah chest.

>>1481
It really was you?!

Oh, fuck man, you have no idea how fucking relieved I am.

But uh...thing is, after that thing clawed its way out of my tenta-crotch (and yes, that's like 3 million times more painful than it sounds), Doc used his medigun to heal me up, and...well, I'm kinda back to normal. Like, legs, and a dick and all that stuff.

I mean, I still like you as a friend and all that, and maybe... I dunno. This is weird for me, man. I'm not gay, but I still...I dunno. I really don't.

Can we like, meet somewhere or somethin? Talk this out, maybe. I'll bring the kid, too, so's you can see it. You seem to like it a lot more than I do, anyway. Thing's like a fucking parasite. Always clinging and cuddling and trying to breastfeed (which don't work anymore, obviously, so now I've got bite marks all over my nipples).

>>1483

Sure mate, I understand.

Mah van's parked out back behind RED base's garage. Can't miss it bein' three times longer than yer Sniper's van and silver with the fuzzy black and silver dice hanging off the rear mirror.

>>1486
Kay. I'll be there with the little parasite in like, half an hour. Would be sooner, but that fucking diaperbag weighs me down. Don't know why I even need it. This thing don't wear diapers.

>>1487

Soo... What happened? This corkboard's gettin' quieter and quieter. I think it's time to burn (again) and start a new corkboard... with lazers and rockets and a bacon dispenser and!... holy crap is that turkey baster from the last thread STILL here hanging off the corner? Eww.. whatever's inside it it's all moldy and green! I think something's alive in there!

>>1497

So that thing is a turkey baster? That's odd, at home we used this thing were- {the rest has been scribbled out}

Just curious, but can't we follow tha gas pipes to were they are fucked up? So then we can get an Engie and fix it!