I have nothing against lesbian porn, but I think this story would have benefited from a little more exposition. There's no real ambiance established. I would have liked more description of their environment to get a sense of the situation. It sort of jumps into this awkward sex scene without any emotional standpoint for the reader to grasp. You don't have to explicitly state how you characters are feeling, but you can drop subtle hints by perhaps mentioning the attractive (or unattractive) aspects of the people involved. You didn't provide any descriptions of their physical features so I couldn't get a clear picture of them in my mind. That's never going to bode well for an erotic story. The action and the character's inner dialogue is muddled in the first paragraph as well as few other instances in the story. I had to go over it a few time to make sense of it, so be careful with that. Make a new paragraph every time you switch speakers. Otherwise keep working on it. By changing a few things you could really make it an involving story.