These were my prompts. I hate every last one of you and myself for being so easily inspired when I do get inspired. Sorry if this sucks! That would be my fault. This became way bigger than I wanted and it is barely edited. I tried to finish it before midnight on Halloween but even though I've been working on it pretty much all day, I couldn't quite finish it. So I figured I'd just post what I have instead and feel like slapping myself for putting forth unrefined garbage later. I'll try to write and post the Engie threesome tomorrow if my soul doesn't get eaten by another story between now and then. Also, TV remotes are anachronistic but fuck it! I'm pushing that up a bit for the time-line of this story. Anonymous Based on the newest TF2 comic, I'd like to see RED Soldier x his Wizard roommate. Preferably consensual, but with bickering. Kilo I didn't know whether to come here or in the gen fic request thread. I guess I'd like porn if someone could figure a way to lead into that, but pretty much I desire Soldier and Sniper in an Odd Couple trope. Maybe along the lines of something happening to Sniper's van and Soldier wanting a roommate. Might be even more hilarious if Soldier caused the van incident inadvertently. Their personalities are bound to clash, but something about it works. Bonus points if Engineer is a regular visitor, being friends to them both. Double plus bonus if there's a threesome. What is Love? Merasmus was pretty pissed off when Soldier beat his pansy ass off the roof. Soldier kept his promise about smacking the magic out of his mouth too! Best way that Soldier had found, after having fought several other magicians, vampires, and other ne'er do wells, was to sucker punch their stomach while they try to avoid getting a vicious backhand and BAM! No more magic for a few minutes. Stupid roomie took it personally though. Bastard actually made it to a pay-phone and called the cops on Solly. Good thing the cops were used to that kind of thing. Sometimes they showed up to clap handcuffs on the mercs, usually in town, and sometimes they didn't give a shit, notably when it was on base. Halloween was apparently one of those holidays that added to them not giving a shit, at least until they found out about the kidnapping, armed robbery, assault, and jaywalking that Soldier was going to get charged with. Oh yeah. He hoped those kids found a way home, if they still had homes after the unintentional arson. Soldier had forgotten all about them after chasing Merasmus into the desert, past his old war buddies, and past that weird rocket that he'd initially looted weapons off of (and which Demo had painted a smiley face on when he showed it to him.) Then the motherfucker had the gall to animate his old war buddies and that hurt worse than anything else. “You bastard! Those were my friends and you turned them against me!†Solly stormed into their apartment and slammed the door hard. He was not shivering because when the sun went down in the desert it was colder than hell every time Scout got laid. Merasmus looked up from his bowl of popcorn and snorted heartily as he turned the television up so he could hear Béla Lugosi. Soldier stomped over and planted himself firmly in front of the screen, arms bent painfully inside the aluminum dryer hoses. Then he pointed at his own face to indicate which crappy, shoddily made television that evil fucking magician should be paying attention to. He had put the television mimic of a robot head back on to throw the police off his scent while he was sneaking through town; jumping between buildings, staying in shadows, looking both ways, and his back to the walls in case some filthy Spy was lingering nearby. “Don't ignore me!†Soldier growled. Merasmus huffed and weaved side to side, trying to peer around Solly's brawny frame, but Solly followed his movement and stood strong until Merasmus threw up his hands in disgust. “Everyone at that party was already against yeh, boyo!†Merasmus snapped, “That Spy fella actually said 'good riddance' when I tricked yeh into goin' out the window with that handsome magical apparition of meself.†“Only a coward sneaks out the back door instead of facing me head on! And I wasn't talking about those assholes! I meant Pete, Pete, and Iron Eye!†Merasmus scowled. “Who the bloody hell names two of their imaginary friends the same thing?!†Soldier felt a vein throbbing in his neck and he leaned in closer to yell directly into Merasmus' face. “Pete and Pete are fantastic men! It's a pity that Artie left after that goat incident but Iron Eye has proven himself more than capable of picking up the slack. And he has rugged good looks to boot!†Merasmus curled his knobby fingers up into eagle claws and howled. “Fuck them! I want me horned skull hat back and yeh lost it out there! It had power far beyond the limits of your imagination! Limited as that is...†Soldier straightened up abruptly, heart pounding as that imagination that Merasmus was belittling kicked into gear in a way that Merasmus probably hadn't intended. They had looked sweaty, powerful, and naturally fearless when he'd fought them but he'd been too preoccupied with hunting Merasmus down after he got away to admire it then. Of course, they hadn't listened to his pleas regarding the bonds of friendship but maybe they would have listened if he'd promised them something hot and sweet later. In a matter of moments, he went from belligerent authority to enthusiastic virility. “Hey, can you bring them back? Here?! And make it so they don't want to kill me?†Soldier asked, “I'd... I've always wanted to show them how much they meant to me! Preferably with a bear skin rug by the fire but I'm all out of bears. And rugs. It'd be better if I had a fireplace, now that I think about it. I always thought I had time to get one and now I could kick myself for being lazy!†Merasmus scratched his pointy chin with one crooked fingernail. “What, all three of them, lad? At once?†Merasmus asked. Soldier nodded fervently, his hands clasped together. Merasmus cackled and shook his head. “Now yeh'll regret ever bringing me wrath down upon yeh! I refuse! And there's not a thing yeh can do about it! Beyond learning your own bloody magic spells... which I won't help ya with.†Soldier's lower lip wobbled with considerable disappointment. His only chance to make his dream a reality and the bastard wouldn't do it! He regained his composure long enough to grab Merasmus by his ratty shirt... dress... robes? Whatever unmanly Scottish thing they were! Then he shook him. “Fuck me! Right now!†Merasmus stopped laughing and started coughing instead. Once he'd cleared his throat and smirked, Soldier released him. Solly's dick was already nudging at the restraints of his zipper and he could see the old bastard was pitching a tent. Going on like some evil drama queen got the weirdo off. So did thwarting Soldier's desires. Not that Solly wouldn't take what Merasmus gave him as a reasonable substitute. The magician always manipulated him over the edge, whether it was what he'd asked for or not. He almost liked it better when the magician defied him; it was generally a nice surprise every time. This was no different. Their living room faded out into a wide open war room with a massive table and ornate chairs. Shadows filled the edges of everything, making it seem to expand forever. The light was low but there was a spot light on him. Surrounding them were troops in Nazi uniforms, of all things! He couldn't see any of their faces but his sense of being watched made the hairs on the back of his neck prickle up. Or they would have, if he wasn't suddenly made of some strange smooth substance that looked like it had crawled out of the Engineer's work room and coated him in plates that conformed to the shape of his body in such a natural way that his stiff movement as he crooked his elbow made no sense at all. “As yeh can see, we've captured this prototype doohickey that the British have invented and modeled after a stupid yankee soldier. It has fantastic battle capacity, as I'm sure yeh'll soon agree.†He blinked, realizing that Merasmus was beside him, dressed in the Engineer's uniform, with the exception of a swastika in the place of a wrench on the shirt's shoulder patch. Oh good lord! That was so, so horribly wrong and terrible and for some frightening reason it made him hot. “Beep boop!†Soldier snapped. Wait... “Robot noises? Blarp!†Fuck. That was all he could say now! Not even in that monotone he'd used as a beautiful facsimile of how a robot would talk. Merasmus sneered at him and the Soldier panted. Oh... One of the faceless Nazis, who must have gone to the same barber their Medic did, raised an arm to get Merasmus attention. “Aye? Yeh have a question?†“I'm sure it is a wonderful instrument of death, as you've claimed but... can you have sex with it?†That was the most logical thing to happen so far. Soldier was impressed with the realism inherent in this magical facade and, well, since it was exactly what he wanted, he had no complaint. Not that he could actually complain with this magical gag order! Merasmus cackled and tapped a button on what looked like a simplified version of the television remote. Soldier moaned as he was directed to bend over the massive wooden table. He could feel the smooth wood grain brush against his nipples as he panted and he stretched his muscular arms out across it, astonished that he could still feel it through the plates as if they were bare skin. His erection flicked against the side of the wood and he stuck his ass out, positioning it out as hopefully as possible. “Let me demonstrate, gentlemen,†Merasmus purred. He muttered something in what was probably arcane Scotch or whatever the hell their original language was called. Soldier didn't understand it and he didn't care. His back port was suddenly slick and warm as if Vaseline had been applied and it probably had. He only flinched a moment as Merasmus grabbed him and thrust in with one slow, fell swoop. Soldier scrabbled short, blunt fingernails across the table top as he bent his arms and braced himself while the magician was pulling back. He was groaning little bubbling noises in time to the thrusts and shuddering as he felt every horrible Nazi eye on him as he was fucked hard, unable to speak or push the old man off if he had wanted to. His cock bobbed up against the table, looking for somewhere to go and having to content itself with the uncaring, unbending varnish instead. Soldier closed his eyes and hissed as Merasmus began seriously pounding his almost unbearably full ass, aching with pleasure as it stretched him out again with each thrust inward, and the man's weight on his back bearing him down until he was flat against the table again. Oh yes! That was it! His eyes rolled back in his head and his tongue began to cool as his mouth hung open, edging a trail of drool onto the surface as he was pushed forward each time, only to be stopped by the unmoving table. He imagined that maybe these filthy fucking Nazis might want a turn in him after Merasmus was done, every single god damn one of them, and he couldn't say no or kick them in the nuts! Fuuuck... Merasmus finally reached around to put a cracked and weathered hand into a vice-like grip around his hot, tingling, cock, long since dribbling all over itself, and whined like the shameless dog he was. Merasmus came inside him first and kept thrusting until he was completely spent. It brought Soldier to the edge, until Merasmus yanked him up right and shoved him over by pumping him so fast and rough that his knees were almost too weak to hold himself up. Solly howled in what sounded more like a jangling mechanical wail, his back one smooth arch as he shuddered, bucked, and sprayed what could have been oil but was definitely robot jizz all over the table. He chuckled weakly to himself as he watched the troops push away and some get up out of their chairs in shock. HAH! Take that, fucking Nazis! No more war planning on that piece of furniture. Too bad he didn't hit any of the maps or their intel. Eh. Soldier didn't really notice when Merasmus had dispelled the illusion until he realized he was lying naked and weary across their actual kitchen table, with jizz on it. It was flimsier than the massive wooden war table of the illusion and he didn't feel like cleaning it up just then so he tottered into the living room and sprawled himself across the couch, feeling perfectly sated. Merasmus wasn't there and the TV was off. Solly assumed the old fart had gone to bed. He'd just sleep naked right here, with one of the throws lazily pulled over him for warmth. They never had visitors unannounced so what could go wrong? The next morning he found a note on his bare stomach. When he squinted at it and picked it up to read it, the black ink turned into glowing scribbles that formed a moving mouth which whispered at just the right pitch to send a chill down his spine. “Our lease is up this month! I've grown weary of your destructive tendencies and I'm not resigning it! No amount of ball-breaking sex is worth dealing with yeh on a regular basis. I found me skull on one of your moronic team mates so I've taken it and all me belongin's with me. Have a horrible life, yeh miserable wretch.†Soldier waited and then his shoulders sank when he realized that was all of it. “Shit!†Soldier wasn't about to pay full rent for this hole in the wall! What would he even do with that extra bedroom? He had a lot of hats but not that many... Moving sucked and none of the guys at work would be willing to help. Not even Engineer, after the last time he helped him move. Time and space and an angry Merasmus had put them into some crumbly old castle in honor of Solly leaving one of the creep's magic tomes in the bathroom where it got ruined by circumstances the Soldier had no control over! Besides, Demo, Scout, and Heavy shouldn't have been running amok in town, that was supposed to be last week! Well, it turned out the castle was some sort of conjuration illusion bull crap but after that... oh wait, wasn't there some huge eyeball thing at the party? Soldier grumbled to himself as he got ready for war. Now who the hell would he live with? When Soldier entered the Viaduct mess hall, everyone glared at him over their breakfast. Soldier scowled back. Pansies! Couldn't they handle some big ugly eyeball monster on their own? He paused when he saw the Sniper get up and jab an accusing finger into one of the grenades on his bandolier. Soldier's helmet protected his eyes from taking the full effect of the glare behind Sniper's aviators. “Look what the cat drug in! Ya feel nice and rested after ditchin' us last night? 'Cause I'm sure not!†“What?! Do I look like the sandman to you?!†“No! But you're the reason I woke up feelin' like an icicle clingin' to Old Nick's balls!†Soldier faltered. He knew about Nicholas Crowder; Sniper had told them the story before. That still didn't make any sense. “What?†Soldier asked. The Sniper clenched his hands into fists but hunched over and held his arms tight to his chest, as if he were resisting every urge to pummel Soldier with them. Hah. Pansy ass kangaroo fucker looked like a boxing kangaroo that way. “Ya bloody stupid tosser! Because of that awful floatin' eyeball I woke up to a rocket explodin' in my face, after it got the other team's attention! I'm just guessing about that last part since I said fuck all to your pathetic party and went to bed early. When I asked where ya were, no one knew! I wasn't goin' to blame ya for it until they told me you were the reason it was here! So there I was fightin' in my grundies all night and barely any clothes to wear over 'em today!†“Oh,†the Soldier said with a snort. He'd been through worse. “My camper van 's a twisted pile o' metal, ya wanker! Don't 'Oh' me when you owe me everythin'!†The Sniper began to sputter with rage as the Soldier stood, impassively unconcerned, and lunged forward to strangle the Soldier, who grabbed his arms and was doing an admirable job of keeping him at bay with some steady footwork and an iron grip. Before things could get out of hand, with Solly kicking Sniper's ass of course, the Engineer scurried over and pried Sniper off of him. “Now, now! Let's be considerate here. I mean you, Solly.†Solly growled at Engie and so did the Sniper. The Engineer let go of the Sniper only when he appeared more relaxed, patting his upper arm soothingly. “I know! How about we all fight in our costumes today, huh? Might lift some spirits after last night,†the Engineer suggested. Demo snickered. “Yeh just want to wear yeh costume 'cause yeh weren't even at the party!†The Engineer rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled. “Maybe I do. I was busy. And my costume is a little weird. Might be fun to see how the other team reacts to it,†Engie said. Good thing the Soldier brought his costume with him! It was fun coming up with robotic things to yell as he fired bullets and rockets to and fro. Naturally, he quickly realized that he should start asking around for a room mate as soon as possible. The BLU team was the only thing available at that moment so he started propositioning them. Not too much. He didn't need to look desperate. By the end of the work day, not a single one of those useless BLU bastards had agreed and he'd killed them all several times. He was in a bad mood when he shoved his way out of the shower to wrap himself up in a towel as the Sniper walked in. The lanky man curled his upper lip and turned to go, when the Soldier had a thought and rushed to grab his arm. Sniper jolted, giving him an uncertain look as Solly grinned. “Hey! You lost that ugly van, right?†The Sniper yanked himself out of the Soldier's grip and glared. “My apartment has two bedrooms and I need a room mate! You need somewhere to go because you're a loner... freak. It's perfect!†The Sniper stared at him, clearly not understanding the obvious brilliance of the Soldier's plan. “What part of that sounds perfect? I'd be trapped, with you, where no one else could save me,†the Sniper said, “Where's this apartment even at?†The Soldier shrugged and dropped the towel. The Sniper took a step back as the Soldier began pulling his briefs on. “In town.†“Which one?†Soldier shrugged as he stepped into one leg of his pants and hopped into the other as he tried to maintain his balance. “I don't know! I just live there! Moved in awhile after I joined. It's not far from the base. Taxis make it easy.†The Sniper groaned. “Ya pay for a taxi every time? That can't be cheap!†The Soldier grinned fiercely as he threw one arm around the Sniper's neck and grabbed his own wrist, creating a loose hug as he looked the Sniper square in the eye. “It will be if you pay for half the fare! What do ya say?†Solly asked. The Sniper sighed and gave him a sideways glance. Then he looked straight ahead as he shrugged. “I'm goin' to regret this. But... yeah, okay. I'll try it out. Your place'll do half a year, right? Or less?†Solly squeezed his arms closer with abrupt affection until the Sniper was gasping. Oh, right. People still need to breathe. He'd gotten very into being a robot that day. He released his grip and set to work shrugging on a shirt, humming a marching tune to himself. This would be great! Sniper didn't have magic but then that doddering old bastard never used his magic to clean up the place or anything else useful. Magic was good for fucking things up and fucking things right and that was it. What could possibly go wrong? Sniper took one look at the apartment and put a hand to his face. “Holy Dooley! You live here? What is all this?†Soldier sat down on the couch and scratched his balls. TV time! The Sniper wandered from corner to corner, peering into the various piles of cardboard boxes and crates stacked everywhere. He nudged one of the dirty dishes on the coffee table, made out of two overturned crates, and chuckled. “You're as sloppy as me!†The Soldier turned away from a rerun of I Love Lucy and scowled. “Those were his dishes! I told him to wash them! As for the boxes, I am in the process of rearranging and re-stacking them. Move a single one and I'll blow your brains out!†“Why don't you buy display cases or something?†the Sniper asked. The Soldier gave him a glance that could wither a flower. “I don't have the room!†the Soldier said. The Sniper held his hands up in surrender before stuffing them into his pockets as he loped around and explored. The walls were lined all the way through the little dinette area and the Soldier was annoyed that he had to keep looking away to make certain the Sniper was actually keeping his hands to himself. “Whoa, what happened here?†The Sniper was staring and the Soldier remembered what he'd forgotten to clean up. The Soldier cleverly changed the conversation. “Put that stupid terrarium in your room and make yourself useful by fetching us some beers!†The Sniper muttered under his breath but collected the lone duffel bag, borrowed from the Scout, and the glass case full of weird little bugs. Apparently most of what had survived had been tucked away in the Sniper's dusty room inside the base. The bugs had been loaned to Engie. Soldier couldn't imagine what would make them fascinating but Engie had gone a bit red in the face when he handed it over. When the Sniper came back, he had a single bottle of RED Shed in his hand. Soldier pouted. “Why didn't you bring me one?!†“Ask me nicely next time and I might,†the Sniper said. The Soldier grumbled. This was supposed to make them good buddies or something. Instead, the Sniper was ignoring him about as much as Merasmus had! “I was goin' to ask what plans ya had for dinner but I'm not sure I want to eat off that table.†The Soldier backhanded him, knocking the rim of the bottle into the Sniper's teeth and causing him to spit the beer into it instead of swallowing. He coughed and thumped his chest as the Soldier went to find the multi-purpose cleaner, wiping it clean with a cloth, and then buffing it into a faint shine. The Sniper had composed himself when the Soldier returned and wordlessly continued watching. “Arse,†the Sniper muttered. He finished the beer and walked right in front of the Soldier as he left. “Hey!†The Soldier growled after the Sniper's retreating back but the Sniper closed the door with surprising calm for leaving in a huff. When he came back, sucking on a straw in a paper cup covered in the logo of some fast food place, the Soldier decided to lay down the rules. “Rules? What do ya mean rules?†the Sniper asked. He looked more irritable at that than when he'd been smacked. The Soldier paced in front of the couch, one arm behind his back most of the time and the other curled into an enthusiastically swung fist, unless he needed to emphasize something by specific gesture. Like smacking his fist into his other hand or making a little walking gesture with his fingers. He liked making walking gestures. “I run a tight ship and it needs to stay on schedule! Your arrival here will not change that! This is what makes it work! Like well-oiled machinery or a well-oiled gun or one of Engie's oily gun machines!†“That doesn't even make sense...†The Sniper remained slouched across the couch as if he could fall asleep at any moment. He had tried to put his hat over his eyes but the Soldier had picked it up and tossed it back at the man's chest. With a frown, Sniper placed his hat on his head in the appropriate manner but continued to look drowsy. “Rule one, do not question me and do not touch or move my possessions, unless you are authorized to do so! I am the king of this domain! You are the chancellor or the prime minster or the queen or something. Either way, I am the top of this pecking order!†The Sniper snickered and clasp his hands together over his belly. “I thought you'd be the president, mate.†“None of that sneaky talk! You're just trying to get elected! I will never forsake democracy but a man's home is his castle and therefore I am a king! End of story!†The Sniper rolled his eyes under his aviators and nodded. “Rule two, all dishes should be cleaned at once! If they can not be cleaned, they must be placed in the sink! They must be washed within twenty four hours, generally by the person who dirtied them! No exceptions! Sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, washing tables, and things like that will be performed on the weekend and will be rotated. Don't think you can leave something where ever you please without ever having to clean it up!†The Sniper grumbled. “Lovely. It's like livin' on base except we have extra cooking and cleaning shifts.†“I am glad you mentioned that!†the Soldier barked, “Cooking is rule three! Since we must cook at the base, you will list your duties on the calendar so that we may plan accordingly! Cooking will also be done in rotating shifts here! Merasmus liked to cook everything in one day and seal it in the freezer but I prefer day to day as it gives more freedom. Spontaneity is not to be avoided! Buying groceries is best done at once, unless you have an idea that requires immediate purchase.†The Sniper sat up, lifting one hand hesitantly. “Hold up. What happens if I decide not to come back here? Like if there's a party or somethin' but you'd rather be home?†“We will deal with that as it arises! I am not controlling your movement to and from this domicile! I am laying the groundwork for getting along!†the Soldier said, “Please hold any and all further questions until I am done!†There was a long pause. The Sniper waited. The Soldier placed his hand on his bristly chin, stroking it as he thought how best to approach the next rule. The Sniper narrowed his eyes and frowned. “Well?†the Sniper asked, “Is that it, then?†“No!†the Soldier snapped, “Do not rush me! The Sniper sighed and shifted, tapping his fingers along the top of the cushion rhythmically. The Soldier stood, his arms behind his back as he looked the other man over. Sniper was kind of mangy and scrawny but he was tall and still manly enough to serve him well. “Rule four!†the Soldier growled, startling the Sniper just as he closed his eyes, “You will show me what you are made of! You are hereby granted the honor of fucking me on a regular basis!†The Sniper sat up so fast his hat fell off. He blinked, opening and closing his mouth for a full minute before scooting as far down the couch and away from Soldier as he could get. He eyed the Soldier and the Soldier moved closer when he looked about to get up. Then Sniper frowned and draped his arms over the back of the couch, apparently deciding to spread out and making himself as big as possible. Hah! Like the Soldier would be intimidated by that. He loomed over the Sniper. Loomed. “Now see here, mate,†the Sniper said, “Are you bloody serious? You could have mentioned this when you first asked me to come live with ya!†“Is there a problem, camper?†the Soldier snarled, “Are you too good for rule four?!†“No!†the Sniper said, “Yes! I mean, look. I'm leaving it open-ended but ya don't just spring that on a bloke without fair warnin'!†The Soldier straightened up and pointed a finger at him, followed up by a few jabbing motions where most appropriate. “You will shove your dick in my ass and you will like it! You will do it more than once a week or so help me I will suck your fucking cock while you sleep!†The Sniper stared at him, eyes wide. He slouched forward, his hands in his lap. “I... I might.†The Soldier turned around, spread his legs apart, rested his hands on his knees, and looked over his shoulder, before wiggling a little. “Do you see this ass?!†The Sniper leaned back a bit, his face turned to one side but staring at the Soldier all the same. “I... Yeah?†“Do you see a dick in it?!†“Well, no...†“Then get in there! What are you waiting for?! An invitation from the president?!†The Sniper chortled at that. “I thought you said you weren't the president?†The Soldier turned around and strode over the coffee table, looming over the Sniper again, staring down at him from underneath his helmet and sneering. He was breathing hard from all this yelling and his cock was twitching in his briefs. He was either going to pass out or cream himself before this damn Aussie made a decision. “I am not! If you wait for an invitation, you will be waiting forever! The president does not care about my ass, nor should he! That is for you to care about! Do you want to stay on my good side?†The Sniper remained relaxed and shrugged slowly, stretching his shoulder blades as he did. The Soldier sat down on the coffee table crates and cracked his knuckles. “Do you want to stay on my good side?!†the Soldier repeated, louder. “I suppose it couldn't hurt,†the Sniper admitted. “Well, that can be accomplished by following rule four and using your God-given dick!†The Sniper snickered hard and rubbed his forehead as he looked up at the ceiling. The Soldier grabbed the remote and turned off the television behind him. He waited for the Sniper to say more. “Oh... ahh, fuck. Why not? I've shagged worse. Drunk, no less. Where do ya want to go? Your bedroom or mind? All I have left is a bedroll.†The Soldier grabbed himself through the front of his pants, rubbing himself feverishly, as he moved to reach behind the old, battered couch with his other hand. He held the glass jar out to the Sniper, who took it curiously. His expression became more understanding as he turned it over in his hand and read the label. The Soldier set to work unbuckling his belt and shucking his clothing as far as humanly possible. The Sniper looked up lazily and startled when he saw that. He simply watched and the Soldier, finally naked of everything but his helmet, climbed onto the couch and braced himself against the arm of the couch. He looked over his shoulder when nothing happened and huffed at the lazybones still sitting there, staring at him. “I have assumed the position because we are staying right here! Move it or lose it, son! I go to bed early, I wake up early, and I kill like a maniac!†the Soldier snapped, “Your slovenly appearance and listless behavior will not change that!†The Sniper blinked and shook his head. “I'm ignoring that last part and not just because it's rude. If we're doin' this... I'd rather take it slow.†The Soldier grumbled and gripped the couch arm firmly. He let his mind wander over the scene of Merasmus' last gift, chaining him down with untold pleasure using his costume idea, and his last curse, with the untouched blazing potential in the liveliness of his favorite war heroes. Snippets of marches wove through out, binding it like a theme to his own personal porno. A thrill ran up his spine as he was drawn away from all this by a warm, wet, flicker of sensation on the slit of his cock. “You're really into this, huh?†Sniper murmured. The Soldier looked past his chest, between the pillars of his arms, to see the taller man naked and sitting on the floor. His side and one arm loosely using the couch to keep his balance, his knobby knees sticking up like a colt's while he leaned back and teased Soldier's firm, swaying erection with an easy tongue. The Sniper was gentler and more playful than he was used to. For a moment, the Soldier didn't know how to respond. The Sniper gripped his inner thigh, just feeling the firm muscle and under softer flesh, before slapping his thigh approvingly and easing himself into his foot with a soft sound of unexpected effort. He waggled his fingers inward and moved his arm towards himself. “Get up. I've got a better idea how I wan' 'o do this.†The Sniper stepped aside, out of the way, as the Soldier sat up on his knees. When the Sniper beckoned him again, he stood as well. “Never done it standing up...†the Soldier admitted. The Sniper chuckled. “Neither have I. Not with a man anyway. I think that's more trouble than I want to go through right now. No, I'm goin' to lie down on my side, like I'd watch the telly. Hold on, I'm not done.†The Soldier watched the Sniper do just that, lying across the couch and watching the Soldier with lowered eyelids behind his aviators. He grinned and his voice was a little darker and hazier as he reached for the Vaseline. Now that Soldier was looking, he could see that the Sniper had already applied it liberally to his own cock and was glopping it onto his fingers. The Soldier bent over the coffee table crates, his knees bent and his ass out like a champion. The Sniper took a moment, maybe that wasn't what he expected, before kneading it in. The strain of maintaining his stance really got the blood pounding in Soldier's veins and his head was swimming with eagerness to see what Sniper intended to do. “Now,†Sniper said as he put the Vaseline near the Soldier's tight grip, “Come over here like you're spoonin' with me and I'll show you what laid-back can do for ya.†Sniper lifted his top leg once he was there and guided himself in while Soldier rested his head on one arm and the throw pillow, his other hand curled around his cock because he might as well if he was lying down. The Sniper tutted. “Go slow, mate. I'll promise it's worth it.†The Soldier grunted as he took all of the Sniper inside and grumbled at first, as the Sniper thrust up and pulled him down with a nice easy pace. It was like savoring that swell of warmth in his belly and there was plenty of time to let his mind wander more as the Sniper licks his shoulder and the side of his neck. Inside his head he followed the hard, resounding beat of a marching drum until he was staggering along, feeling the pace of the troops and band pick up as he realized the Sniper had increased the tempo with him. The Sniper was pulling and prying harder with that sweet thick drumstick pounding away inside against the very center of the drum skin, shaking everything inside him all at once even as he drummed the other side with his own hand. The whole world eddied and swirled and circled faster behind his closed eyes and as he began to arch and thrust up into his own hand. For a moment it was like that delirious joy of spinning round and round until dizziness sets in. Then his hand was sticky and he was remembering how to breathe through his nose again as the Sniper set his leg down on top of the other one, both of them flaccid and spent. “Mmmm... think I could... get to like rule four.†“Of course!†the Soldier snapped, though he was quiet than usual, “It improves morale. Can't have citizens with bad morale.†“That'd be subjects, if you're their king. But I wouldn't know. My subjects are too little to test that out.†The Soldier was quiet until he realized what that meant. He turned his head and glared at the Sniper, who was still nestled behind him and hugging his trim waist. “You do not fuck bugs! Not in this household, mister! … Especially not those little bees,†the Soldier said, “Take your jizz-drizzling dreams somewhere else or give those damn things back to Engie!†The Sniper snorted. Then he patted the Soldier's chest reproachfully. “Already said there's no way I could... or would. Now as nice as this is, you said ya wanted to go to bed early so we should probably get up.†The Soldier shifted to feel more of the Sniper's warm skin against his back. “There's... no need for haste. Hmmm... not yet.†The situation certainly did improve from there but it constantly needed reassessment and a great deal of morale rekindling. Sniper had a bad habit of breaking rules one through three on a daily basis. It started to gnaw on the Soldier's nerves as badly as Merasmus' taste in music had (wailing and jittery as it was. And full of bag-pipes for some reason!) The Soldier tried reproach but that did almost nothing. He finally went to the Engineer and the Engineer just stared at him. “Ya know, learning to live with someone is never easy. Why in the world do ya think I'd have some ready answer for how to fix it?†“But you've been over! You've seen it! He leaves dishes all over the place. All over my boxes!†The Engineer sighed and continued sitting at his drafting table, as if that were more important than the Soldier's problems. He had to live with those problems! Daily! “Why don't ya make him use paper and plastic then? Make him throw 'em away instead?†“I tried that already! You said that last time!†the Soldier insisted, “All I got was trash everywhere! And his clothes! He thinks every piece of furniture is a hamper! Then he wonders why nothing is ever clean when I won't pick them up for laundry day! He's almost as bad as that damn wizard!†The Engineer pushed his goggles up and pinched the bridge of his nose. “How about I come over tonight, huh? We'll play cards or go see a movie or somethin' to get your mind off this,†Engie suggested. The Soldier grinned and thumped the Engineer's back approvingly. The Engineer wheezed and glared at him but Engi never stayed mad for long. Especially not when the Soldier hugged him, even if Solly did hug as hard as he could sometimes. He liked feeling all that resilient strength of a fine specimen of a man in his preferably bare arms and the Engineer seemed made for hugging. There was just enough natural fat between those hardworking muscles that the Soldier could never quite get enough sometimes.