I have some criticisms of this. 1. I would not have known this was a TF2 fanfic if it hadn't been posted to this chan. I would not have known that the Medic was the narrator without having read the title. There is absolutely nothing in here even remotely resembling the character or environment of TF2. Not that I'm against dark fic or fic that takes place before or after the war... not at all. But I read this and there is absolutely nothing TF2 about this. You could put in any character as the narrator, hell, you could have the narrator be an original character, and it would effect nothing. 2. The spacing is weird. You break for a new paragraph with every line, like it's a poem,and then every few lines you double space the paragraphs, like the start of a new stanza? It reads like a free verse poem a freshman in high school would write, and it feels even more like that because of the pointlessly goey subject matter. What is going on? Where was he? Why did his girlfriend chop off his fingers and blind him? Wouldn't a man Medic's age be married? I don't understand the character's motivations at all. 3. A 40-50 year old man does not sound like this. He does not think or speak like this. This sounds very much like a teenager trying to be "edgy." This voice is not a full grown man who wakes up finding himself to be blind and crippled. His first thought is hatred? Not fear and panic and crying from this? He seems to be really quick to go and rape and kill his girlfriend. You'd think a guy that was blinded and crippled like that wouldn't be able to track her down that quickly and would be a lot more helpless. I mean, assuming she's uninjured, she'd have the clear advantage, even if he was on an adrenaline high... you know, because she can SEE. 4. I WASN'T AWARE TEXT MESSAGING WAS AROUND IN THE LATE 1960's. Do you even know when this game takes place? Even the aesthetics of the game are very much grounded in 1950's Americana. The summary of the game on the official site says the game takes place in the mid 20th century. The comics are set in the 1960's. This is really common knowledge. 5. The gore in this is ridiculous, and this is coming from somebody who absolutely loves to write gorey, angsty stories. The thing about gore and angst is that it's not effective if there's no emotional attachment to the characters who are experiencing it, and there's no emotional attachment to this narrator. I do not feel pity for him. I do not feel sympathy. I only feel disgust and discomfort at this, and a lot of that is due to the quality of the writing. There's no logical buildup to this, there's no tension, no anticipation, nothing. Just... right out the gate, ridiculously gory for no reason. I honestly don't think this can be saved. I'd suggest scrapping it and uploading your future endeavors to /workshop/.