I have an internet crush, and have no idea what to do about it. Sadface, but at the same time, happyface, you know? It's an odd feeling.

My piece of shit computer finally gave up. I knew my screen was flickering and being generally retarded, but I never expected it to just suddenly go black one day. fml. Right now i'm on my mom's computer writing this. fun.

on the bright side, the computer itself still works. I'm hoping to get a monitor or some way to hook up the stupid thing to the TV, but my mom is threatening to not let me use any of my money for myself again. Come this pay day, I don't know if she's gonna take it all or what since I didn't let her take it all last time (because keeping food money is apparently too much to ask).

She keeps going on about how she wants me to be an adult or something, but I'm only 18, and I know good and well that if I were insisting I was an adult and able to take care of myself, she'd say the opposite.

Who says I have to be held to anyone else's standards but my own? I mean, I know I'm a weird kid with abandonment issues to the ceiling and an anxiety problem to match, but I'm a good kid. One day i'll be ready to move out on my own and I will. But with her trying to shove me out, it just makes me dread the day more and more. i'm not against helping her with the bills and whatnot, or even paying 350 bucks a month for rent - I just don't understand why she can't be flexible and stop treating me like a burden or a pest in my own house when all I want to do is please her. is it too much to ask that I pay rent at the end of the month instead of at the beginning so she won't take all my money so I don't have anything to eat at work? Or, hell, that she could even let me buy everything needed to hook my computer up to the tv so I have SOMETHING to do on my one week off?

i just don't even know, you guys. call it first world problems if you want - I certainly am, but there's nothing worse than feeling like your own mom doesn't want you around anymore.

>>11084
I would emote a hug, but it's against the rules.

I hope everything works out, buddy. I miss you. I figured it was something computer-related keeping you from steam, but I didn't know, so I worried.

I leave for Anime Los Angeles tomorrow and I still have shit to do. I am royally flipping my shit. I need to sew a couple things, cook food to bring, make sure I'm packed, dye my hair, go food shopping, and clean my room.

I am flipping every shit that could ever possibly be flipped.

>>11082
I have a boyfriend that lives South of the border, sadface-and-happyface indeed, so I've PRETTY MUCH got an internet man. Sigh. On the plus side, online interaction seriously isn't the worst thing. And who knows? Could end up as more than an internet crush!

My own feelin's: I have a boyfriend! We've been in a more-than-friends state for a long time, but last night on the phone the term 'dating' came up and now we're dating. He's the gentleman I had feelings for, but 'should not have feelings for' in the past feelings thread. Feels great man. So much happy I don't know what to do with it all!

>>11082
Tell them you goof! The worst they can say is no followed by a short time of awkwardness before returning to the norm!

>>11084
Damn it that blows, was wondering where ya had been the past couple of days. I know I keep pushing you to tell your mum, and I don't want to be a nag in all this, but a real, serious, sit down and explain your feelings, the situation, your fears and everything else will probably go a long way. Hope to hear from ya soon though, we all miss ya.

Brought up during my birthday dinner that I was having a good confidence week. When my mom asked me why, I said it was because I'd been passing as male really well.

She goes, "I don't get why at all."

Goodbye confidence.

I had the best masturbation session last night.

Spoiler'd for graphic details, for those who aren't interested in my methods.

I was just laying in bed, on my stomach, and I got really horny all of a sudden, so I kinda just started humping the mattress a little. Then I shifted my pillow around, so I wasn't smothering myself. Then I brought my fingers down, started having some fun, and actually penetrated a little- I don't always do that- and I actually ended up humping my own hand so hard that I wasn't even consciously moving myself anymore. I was just shaking and when I came it was really fucking awesome. Then I had another by just rubbing at my clit for a while, and I came four times harder than I ever have. It took me two solid minutes to roll over, and my legs were shaky, I was soaked in sweat, and my face was red, and I could hardly breathe.
It was incredible.

Feeling pretty fucking pissed.

The infamous sex toys company Bad Dragon is hiring, so several weeks ago I sent out an application in desperation for a job in this increasingly worrying economy. They asked for character references so I put down two old professors of mine.

I was looking through my sent emails this morning and found that, hilariously, my email system decided that because I copied and pasted those professor's emails to the clipboard, that meant I wanted to email them my cover letter too.

tl,dr;my favorite teachers now know that what I'm doing with my life is desperately vying for a job making horse dildos.

I just saw my breakfast again, because i didn´t ate lunch or dinner. This my increasing coughing and my maybe feverish feeling and horrendous use of tissues let me conclude it would be good to go to see a doctor.

...

Or i just do it like now. Ignore it and hope it will go away.

>>11097
Could be worse. Could have put your mom down as a reference?

Or your grandmother?

Or your priest?

Still sucks, but still.

Spent a good bit of time today crying over shit that's in the past. I danno. I think I'm over it all then some days I just remember shit and get so angry about it all.

Hopefully I can work through some of this when I go to fat camp.

crossing my fingers ad hoping the wires I'm planning to use to hook up my computer to the TV come in tomorrow!

GUESS WHO'S BACK

PACKIN TO MOVE AS I TYPE THIS FOUND OUT NO INTERNET FOR PROB TWO WHOLE WEEKS FUUUUUU- C U AL L8R HOPEFULLY BUH BYE!

Just had a dream where I saved a box full of French Bulldog and Poodle puppies from a zombie hoard. I have no idea what inspired that.

It's going to be a great day.

>>11105
DONNY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING
WHATEVER IT IS I HOPE IT'S AWESOME

> Seeing brother today
> Fuck yes CHIRSTMAS MONEY! What i wished for
> Oh sure bro i gonna buy you this game as present for your new PS3 (i so damn hate you for that i want this thing for ages, but i love you so take my money.)
> Coming home
> I GOT MONEY!
> YES WE GOT BILLS!

Yes i pay bills here. I´m not that much of a leech. It would be nice if the rest of my family would stop joking about it. I mean i pay 80€ from the 100€ internetbill (Which is also the tv bill and fuck we have a flatrate. What the hell are they charging us?) and a monthly rent.

tl;dr: Money, it rins through your hands as it comes in.

>>11108
Cycle of life maaaaan. We make money just to cover the necessities most of the time, nothing left for (well, the expensive) hookers and blow.

Or if you're really bad, you're making money to pay back the money you spent when you didn't have money.

Money money money. Glad to hear you're making some, and being responsible et all.

As for myself, feelin' pretty fine. Kind of regretting not getting Killing Floor when it was on sale, but the only multi-player I've got patience for is TF2. Stupid sexy Mr Foster though.

That awkward moment in which an old aquaintance suddenly pops up drunk, via your (possibly brain damaged) Dad. The more awkward moment in which that girl apologizes for being drunk, puts her hands all over you, and is all around plastered. Some stranger just walked up and out their hand to my neck, I'm too tired to be pissing rage at these people. But seriously, Pa, A garage full of people being drunk? At 3 am? and you didn't even bring your key when yo left, you woke me up to open the door.

Well done brain. Can't I go a day without crippling social paranoia? I already feel like I've alienated myself from most of the people I look up to.

>>11114
I know exactly how you feel. Just try to remember that no matter how much you feel alone at times, you really aren't.

If you ever need someone to talk to about it then bug me on msn pickledance20 at the hotten mails.

Yeah yeah i cough pretty much very often. Yes it sounds like i´m dying. Yes it hurts, too. No i´m not ill, i just have a infect or what the heck i dunno i wasn´t by a doctor now.

Can´t we all just change the topic after over 10 minutes asking me what is wrong with my caughing? It´s not like i´m doing it on purpose.

I come home from Disneyland and what do I find? I came in second place for a contest I entered! In a few week or so, I'm going to get a custom-made plushie!

It feels awesome being reminded that you weren't good enough for someone. Despite the fact that I no longer want them at all because they completely disregard my feelings on these issues, it doesn't make it feel any less shitty when they talk to you about girls they'd rather do. It was a lot easier to get over it when I thought you just didn't find black girls attractive at all. Now that I've been told contrary, I get to deal with accepting the fact that I'm inadequate in all areas of my existance. I appreciate it, really.

Doesn't piss me off as much as the guy who fooled around with me when he had girlfriend who was my friend. I don't know why he doesn't get the hint when I ignore him outright that I'm not happy with his shit and nothing has been forgiven. You have no fucking right to continue to flirt with me or talk about me as if you hold any possession over me because that shit I reserve for guys who are actually interested in a relationship and not those who are already in one with my friend.

>>11128
Wow... That's...

Here. Have a hug.

/initiate long-ass time looking for hugging images in my reaction image folder

Or... something close.

>>11128

If the guy again talks about girls he rather do. Call TMfI. Too much fucking information. If there are others in the chat they will appreciate this, too. Just say straight you don´t wanna hear it. Believe me, the only way to deal with guys who are running around prancing with all their bedrooms stories.

>>11128
What a prick. You are too good for him, anon. Way too good. I know it sounds cliche, but there are other fish in the sea, and they aren't all bottom-feeders, I promise. Kick him out of the bowl for the cat to eat.

I don't wanna say I would ever wish an STD on anyone, but if I did, he'd get first dibs on Herpes or chlamydia, or something nasty like that. What an ASSHOLE.

Also, my own feelings on something I just remembered from the 'don't find black girls attractive' bit.
I am not attracted to black men. I don't know why. I just haven't happened to find one that I find sexually attractive.
My friend says this makes me racist. Does it? I don't consider them as somehow lesser to white men in terms of rights, or freedoms, or potential to be good people and do good things in the world, or anything like that. They just don't get my juices flowing, you know?
Thoughts?

Previous Anon from before. Thanks for your kind words, guys. I'm presently determined to cut this person out of my life since it seems like they keep using me for emotional support without doing the same for me.

>>11131

I never thought of not finding someone of a different race attractive as being racist, if that means anything coming from a person of color. I don't think there's any oppression involved by not dating a black person because no one is entitled to sex/relationship with another person. At least that's how I think about it.

Things start to get tricky when like for media, they portray white-standards of beauty onto non-whites. I don't really want to get into a discussion about it, but hopefully these nuggets help with some understanding.

>>11131
Generally not finding a race hot isn't racist.
Working with that logic, not finding something attractive = hate. Which is stupid.

It's like, I equate it to how I don't find brown eyes appealing. It's just not aesthetically pleasing to me.

>>11131

I always thought that people who 'didn't find black people attractive' were at the very least subconsciously biased. Which isn't necessarily BAD or uncommon whatsoever. There are a lot of factors in it, really. I don't think it's as clear cut as 'if you don't find black people attractive, you are racist'.

It's just...I dunno. The black men I have seen excite me about as much as the women I have seen, which is very little, if at all. I don't know if it's the skin colour itself, or just common traits that happen to be seen throughout the race, but there it is.

I've been feeling so... blank, lately. Not sad, not angry, not happy, just blank. I feel like my dreams have been so much nicer than reality, that things that actually make me happy only happen in my mind.

>>11146
I feel ya, bro.
I've been really depressed for the past two weeks, rarely leaving home, but when I did, I made sure I took a long walk. It's not as bad as before, at least I'm motivated to do stuff. sorta. kinda. I quit school, since my mom and sister lost their jobs, and I might as well lose the only hope of leaving this place - a flat that's currently rented. My sister forgot to pay some of the bills, and now this case is in court, and she needs to pay court charges. but since she's almost done with renovating the other flat where she's currently in idk if she has the money (renovation cost around 15k)? Even tho the bills for the rented flat were taken from the renting money???
I'm trying to find a job, something might work out soon, I need to lose 5-10kgs (even tho people are telling me that I don't look like I have to - I just... feel... heavy?).
Life is just one big mess right now.

Jumping on the blankwagon here. The past few days, I've just felt sleepy and unmotivated. I guess I'm blaming it on post-con depression, but it's been a week. You'd think I'd be over that by now.

I want to be productive, but I can't drag myself out of bed. Little things upset me. I'm whiny and clingy and it's probably annoying my boyfriend. I'm not depressed so much as just... a big blob of not-fun right now. I keep saying I'm gonna draw but I can't even get the motivation to find my tablet pen.

I can't bear to think about responsibilities right now. I just want to curl up under a rock and stop existing for a while.

Well, where do I start?

I moved in with my boyfriend of FOUR YEARS, only for him to spend his time chatting with other women online, ignoring me, crying on me every time I wanted to go for a walk alone, and being terrible in bed. (Seriously, his 'technique' is to lie there, squeal like some sort of male-to-female Japanese cartoon underage porn star, and refuse to touch me.) Not to mention he refuses to shower on a daily basis and brush his teeth.

So, I got over him. We're still living together, since we're both on the lease and I can't kick him out.

Anyways. I met someone else a year and a half ago. We started as friends, but then I realized that she was everything this man wasn't. She didn't go off on jealous rants about how she'd like to kill my male friends, like he did. She didn't call me eighty-five times over the course of an hour to accuse me of cheating while I was AT THE MOTHER FUCKING GROCERY STORE. She didn't ruin every song, movie, and book I like by trying to force the focus on her.

She's pretty much the gentle, kind-hearted person I thought my ex would be.

So I'm with her now. We've been together for about a month.

My mother threatened to 'come and get me,' as if the fact that I'm her daughter would make my unwilling removal from my house and job 'ethical.'

And, to make it worse, my ex has taken to crying and masturbating loudly late at night. If I could, I'd kick him out, but I am legally not allowed.

Meanwhile, all I want is to be left alone with my lady. She's everything my ex wasn't, and a genuinely good person, and yet, our relationship is 'evil.'

I don't get it. I'm just tired.

>>11157
I hope for you, that either your ex soon get´s out the apartment or that you find something new for you.

Either way, hope you and your gf don´t get to much trouble and wish you good luck.

>>11131 to >>11137
With regard to aesthetic appreciation (or lack thereof) for racial phenotypes, there is no shame in liking what you like, or not liking what you don't. Sexual imprinting is not a conscious process, and fetishes or preferences aren't things you can argue with.
If you go on to objectify specific looking sections of the population (like black people, for example) to the point of discrimination, that's when it counts as racism or other forms of -ism.

TL;DR = No shame in what you like or don't, it's what you do about it.

Personally, I am a nonwhite person who tends to prefer liaisons with white people. And my appreciation for the appearances of black people is solely aesthetic, as opposed to sexual. I chalk it up to where and how I grew up, but I wouldn't call it racism.

>>11159
It's probably owing to where I grew up. Never even met a black person until I was eleven. And to this day, I've seen maybe 20 in my whole life.
Ohhh, Caaaanadaaaaa.

But it's not a case of 'I WOULD NEVER FIND A BLACK PERSON ATTRACTIVE', just 'I have not yet found a black person attractive'.
At least sexually speaking. I've met lots of very pretty black women, but I'm not sexually attracted to women, and the black men I've seen just do nothing for me.

You know what I do find attractive for some reason? Skinny as fuck, nerdy white guys. Ever watch Criminal Minds? Slap a pair of glasses on Reid on that show and I would JUMP him.
I don't know why I find them hot, but I do.


Also, new feelings:
One more interview down, haven't heard back for a week. Gonna pump out some more resumes. Here we go again.

After actually thinking about it for a bit, I am certain I have insomnia or something like it. I just can't fall asleep untill I am practically passing out at around 5:30 in the morning. I still sleep about 7 hours (online classes are nice), but I feel tired all day, but even then, my sleep schedule has been screwed up for months.

My little sister is a cunt. I am preparing to permanently relocate all the way across the country to a place I have essentially never been to, and I am depressed and stressed out about it. I genuinely need my parents' help figuring out all the shit I have to take care of. So when I am talking to my parents about what I have to do about all my financial stuff, dealing with my car, finding temporary and permanent housing, getting all my shit moved, etc., my sister has to take over the whole conversation so that she can ask if some job listing she found is okay to apply to. She is also a programmer, so the answer is YES. My parents don't know and I frankly don't care if this or that PHP web shit position is good enough for her. She never bothers to figure her own shit out about ANYTHING. She can't even be bothered to figure out if the dishwasher is dirty or not. This is why she couldn't hack it in grad school. My parents always drop everything to attend to her bullshit too. I guess cause she had a lot of behavioral problems growing up, but just cause I generally appear to have my shit together (read: don't have a flagrant panic attack about every little fucking thing) doesn't mean I do. Maybe I sound like the cunty attention whore here, but I think my current problems are worthy of a little bit more parental attention than her usual bullshit is right now.

Okay, got a case of the emotional runs, so brace yourselves.

RP: My RP partner was having a shitty day, and I made it worse, and I feel like an ass and hate myself.

Tired: I'm finally over my period, but it's left me absolutely exhausted. I just want to sleep, and do nothing but. And, of course, my mother thinks I'm just being dramatic. But I really am fucking wiped.

TF2: My Highlander team has scrim after scrim scheduled, and as a sub, it kind of sucks, because that means our regular practices we just sit there on SourceTV and watch the starting line players play.

Jobs: Went to the local college for information on Medic Admin courses. Costs $11k, but I'd be done in less than a year, and they have 90% employment rate. My mother says she'll pay, but at the same time, I'm not sure it's what I want to do. I really want to get into Stage Management, but I'd almost certainly have to go to school in Ontario, and moving is scary.
Plus, interview after interview after audition, and still nothing in the way of employment.

WUV: I have a crush on someone online, but now I feel like I've missed the boat, and that he doesn't like me anymore. Now I wonder if I really liked him in that way, or if it was just infatuation because of ovulation (you laugh, but women are statistically more likely to fall in love when they're ovulating).

Art: I've been working on a TF2 comic for about a year, and I can't get the work done on it that I want, because I suck ass at drawing and writing, and it feels bad, because I used to be good at those things.

Costco: A box of chips fell on my head and scared me today. And then embarrassed me because I made a very undignified shriek in the middle of Costco.

Summary: I'm not having the best day.

Preparing myself for a great loss. My pet rat of two years, Cookie, has gone ill, and I just noticed today. I don't know how long she's been sick - probably not more that a few days - but it doesn't look good.

I noticed because of her
1)failure to groom herself like a normal, healthy rat should be doing
2) weight loss (she's usually really really fat, but I could feel bones today. She's still about at the weight for a healthy rat her age, but weight loss of any kind is cause for concern.)
3)lethargy

I feel so guilty for not being around to notice sooner. Usually, I would have her sleeping on my chest while I'm on the computer, but ever since the screen broke and I've been using the livingroom TV as a replacement screen, that has hasn't been an option. I feel like I've neglected her.

Every bone in my body is telling me to get it over with and just euthanize her right away. The last rat I had contracted pneumonia, and lived with it for months, with me giving her medication and food-paste before I finally pulled the plug. She was a strong fighter, but it just wasn't fair to her. I haven't even seen how bad Cookie's case is, though, and I already want to put her down because I just CANNOT deal with that again.

Fuck, you guys. What do I do?

So guys...I've started writing again! I might never get around to finishing or starting anymore fanfics, but I've found a new passion and inspiration. That inspiration is world peace.

I've recently gotten over my depression, and have been helping it along by communicating everything that ever made me depressed. As I do this, I'll try to be sensitive and rational, and not try to scare anyone off. I don't care if people hate me anymore, either. I love myself, and want other people to love themselves, too. I promise never to be vain, though. Vanity is never okay, but I can't help but feel a little more respect for myself, especially if I change some world and internet views in the process.

I'm loving people even more, even some of the hard-to-love ones, and I hope to help them, too. I'm not trying to troll or anything, and will never bring some of the things I like to TF2chan, if they're against the rules...so don't worry. If you like what I'm writing though, let me know. If not, help me to make my words stronger, just as long as you're constructive, and positive.

I hope you'll continue to be my friends, even if you don't like what I have to say. If you don't, then that's fine. It only means you're not worth my time, and I thank you for helping me to realize that...

>>11168
My works are on my Deviant Art page, if you're interested in reading.

http://fluffycatz.deviantart.com/gallery/34786315

Work was shitty today. Glad to be home. Feeling pretty okay.

If you place a spoiler tag on something that's already hidden, does it simple disappear?

>>11171
█ ███ ████ █████ ███

Yeeeeaaaaaaah.

I know I gotta get my shit together and stop relying on other people's help because whenever I get comfortable I don't do jack shit and I get stuck there until I'm kicked out.
Every time this happens should be a wake-up call to say HEY I NEED TO KNUCKLE DOWN AND SORT MY SHIT!.. but it ends up repeating over and over and over ad nauseum.
I WANT A JOB AND A HOUSE AND A HEALTHY NON-DEPENDANT LIFESTYLE WHERE I'M NOT SUCKING MONEY OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S POCKETS. I feel like utter and complete shit. I can't even get my ass over to the psychiatrist's office to get this shit diagnosed. Fuck, I can't even get out of bed without two caffeine pills and a cup of coffee. Weed/kronic ain't the problem, I haven't had any for about a month and a half now.
I just wish someone could drag me to the mental ward and prescribe me with fucking ritalin or something and say "Okay, I understand you've been kind of a dick. Here, have a comprehensive how-to manual on how to not be a dick."

Pic related; it's everyone else's (probable) opinion of me.

>>11166
Where you by a doctor with her already? Maybe it is just a little infect and nothing serious.
But if it is something serious than in my opinion it is the best for your rat if you put her down right away. This is the most mercifull thing for her than letting her suffer more. And she seems to me even if she is not that old, old enough to have lived a nice long rat live. What can i offer on advise for dealing with the death of a beloved pet? Because i recently dealt with my brother and his loose of one of his guinea pigs which he treatens like his children the following:
1. Take your time. Take a day off from anything which may stress you. This day is the day for grief and you should just let out this emotion than. If it is all out, it is easier to let go.
2. Friends help or family. Just be with your friends or with your family and get under people afterwards. If they see you are not good, they help you. It can be also a nice distraction of bad feelings.
3. Funeral service. I made one for my brother. Okay it was just us two meeting up drinking one glass met (his favourite drink) and eating his favourite cake, which i bought for him, but it did help. We said together goodbye to his pet and he knew he wasn´t alone.
4. Pack away everything which may remind you of her. Because you still have the memory of her in your head it wouldn´t help you to see everytime you come in your room her favourite toy as example. I don´t say trow it away, but you should just avoid to get a flick quick reminder of her if you see a certain object.
There will be enough memories of her around your home than.
5. Death is the natural end of life. Your rat wasn´t the youngest anymore and she certainly was a happy one. It is okay to cry for her. It is okay to be shacken up. But never blame yourself for not noticing sooner or anything else. Sometimes it can´t be helped even if it is discovered sooner. Mostly it just prolongs the process of dying.

You gave your rat a good life and you did what was possible to make it so. It will be hard to let go of her, but hang through it. Still i hope for you, it is just a little infect and nothing serious for her.

Oh hey, I've got my period back after 3 months. Woooo.

This a little difficult to talk about. You may have read in the Christmas thread where I dreaded going to my grandmother's house due to an ongoing rift between her and my pregnant cousin. I stated the opinion that she was not fit to be a mother, and it would probably benefit her to give the child up, whether through adoption or abortion.

This week, she had a miscarriage. She was about to her second trimester.

I regret what I have thought and said to others. I've never said anything to my family on the subject because my previous opinion was harsh and cold. I still doubt she would have been any decent as a mother, but perhaps she would have changed or tried to be a better person for this kid. Hell, it deserved a chance with a loving family, even if its mother couldn't provide that.

There is this nasty perspective common in my neck of the woods. You're probably familiar with it. Do good, good things are more likely to happen. Do bad, bad things. I had previously considered the possibility that she would have a miscarriage, and it did not bother me then. After all, she was not taking care of herself. She was also continuing to smoke during her pregnancy. To me, something bad was bound to happen. I thought it was going to be a birth defect, like brain damage or low birth weight. Still, it seemed logical that something bad was bound to happen.

This is what I'm trying to say: she did a lot of bad, awful things. One of them may have caused this miscarriage, but it's not my place to assign one attribute or another as the reason for it. Just because she's a wretch doesn't mean her child had to die.

I don't know what to do now, outside of keeping my head buried in my work and writing. Any action of grieving or sympathy may be considered an offense. I realize how callous I have been, and I feel awful. If I think I'm supposed to be a decent, open-minded Christian, you'd think I'd have a little more mercy and compassion, particularly towards my family. I discovered a nasty part of myself, and I am ashamed.

What happens now? What should I do? Is there anything I can do?

I'm shitting myself. I just checked my phone messages. "Hi there. This is the place where you had an interview back in September. We're wondering if you still are looking for employment?"
So, after spazzing for a few minutes, I called them back, and I'm going in tomorrow to fill out paperwork for a background check and such.

FUCKING. FINALLY. After almost a solid year of searching, I finally have a job.
I'm assuming I'll get it because there's nothing in my background that would tarnish my application. Clean as a whistle I am.

Ok, Im on for about two minutes so hi everyone! Im sorry I haven't been on for a few of ya but I hope ta be on sooner rather than later. Missin you all, and all my love to those of ya that already have it, you know who ye are.

Thinkin of ye all, love, hugs and kisses, hope to be on soon.

>>11180
You owe me a big thank you hug. Al was on the war path for a bit there, with you not telling us where you went, and the whole highlander thing coming up, but I told him you told the chan, and for some reason, this pacified him.

That aside, hope to see you again! Our mutual friend who is rather Refined is worried, too.

I don't want to worry my friends with my problems, but psychiatry's out of the question (nobody around here will take our insurance) and my parents are of no help at all. Every conversation I try to have with my dad ends with him changing the subject and telling me my grades are never good enough, and my mom just tells me I'm overreacting or sarcastically suggests that I kill myself.

What do?

My boyfriend's stuck between a rock and a hard place and I can't help him, and it's really upsetting to us both.

He doesn't have a state ID, nor does he have any money. When he asks his mom to borrow the money for the fee, she tells him to get a job. Which you can't do without a state ID. His mother also "lost" his social security card. He has his birth certificate, but there's a fee for getting a new SS card as well, which... he doesn't have.

He also suffers from anxiety. I drove him to the psychiatrist (which she only let him do because the insurance covered it - and then I drove him) and he was given a prescription which should really help him... but she won't get it for him. She keeps telling him he has to pay for it and go get it himself. Without money, a job or a car.

He's completely willing to get a job, but he can't because she's holding so much from him. Even if he wasn't suffering from panic attacks so bad that he can't even leave his room to pee at night, he can't even get the legal shit together. How do you even "lose" your son's social security card?

I'm helping him the best I can, but I can't afford the fees any more than he can. I'm moving out soon and I'm going to let him stay with me for (mostly) free for a while to get away from his mother (gonna say it - she's a lot of his problems) but he still needs to be able to get a job to pay for his prescription and food and such.

I'm really worried about him. I know getting away from his mother and getting his prescription will really really help him, but she's making it impossible for him, and probably on purpose.

I´m down. Fucking down. I´m down for days now. It isn´t anymore the nice rollercoaster high and down drive. It is just drowing in a goddamn sea of thoughts and feelings and sometimes coming up to get some breaths of air called i don´t feel anything.

I ask myself who i am. If i don´t have any pride anymore. I was ever carefull with which people i talk. Which i tell my true thoughts and share my feelings too. It´s hard for me to open my mouth once and to say to someone: You know i don´t like that. Because usual i just swallow it and bury it, but i´m tired of doing so. I know i hurt people by telling them how i feel. But you know what? If they want truly to know what´s up with me, they shouldn´t later be angry if i tell them the truth. And they deserve the truth. Even if the truth hurts or is ugly or soemthing else. I prefer it over beeing lied to just to get comforted.

I just told two weeks ago the person i tried to please over half of my life that i love them, i´m gratefull for my home and all. But in fact i´m not happy there anymore. I told them all my worries, sorrows and what is going on. Again the theme about: Why did you fear me? came up. because yes i was afraid of them to tell them something very important. Because they judge. Because i want to uphold this image of beeing the good child which never did anything bad or nasty up. Because i grew up under a lot of expectations for me, putting me secretly under pressure. Because it is unfair in so many ways, to be the one who is expected to behave ever good and to hear how others where allowed to make mistakes.

I wasn´t understood as i said i´m not happy anymore. But i didn´t want to be understood, if i myself can barely make out what i feel or how i feel. I just wanted them to know and acknowledge I am not happy at home and it doesn´t feel anymore like home.

We talked, we came to a agrement and now it is better here. Still i´m not eternaly happy here, but i got the feeling like i have control again about my situation.

One point i´m proud of. I did it myself. I myself said: You know what? Fuck the whole i just don´t say what i feel number. No one gave me advise to open my mouth and to say it. Neither friends or family even if they knew how bad i feel here.

Bottomline: You wanna improve your life? Take the lemons and BITE in them. It´s not nice, but it surely is good later.

Bad:
-My ex is making me feel like shit and I probably deserve it, but godammit I was happy for like a month and then he had to start guilt-tripping me all over the place. Bleh.
-My bff is making me feel like shit because she's jealous that I pay attention to my new man like I never did to my ex. She wants me to give her my undivided attention all the time, yet she'd never ever do the same for me.
-My lappy was out of comission for a couple weeks because I somehow managed to pick up a malware virus on a motherfucking dialup connection. There was so much shit I needed to do, too.
-Mom's nagging at me to get my university app shit in, but I've been without a decent computer for two weeks and haven't been able to. Leave me the fuck alone, I'm capable of getting things done without you harping and on on to me about it every day.
-Said bff is planning on moving to Toronto for an internship for the summer, which completely ruins my last summer before I go off to school. She lives in Ottawa for school already (six hour drive away from me) and if she lives in T.O. (two hours drive, but I don't have a car or parents willing to drive me, so it's equally problematic) in the summer, I'll be miserable. She number of fucks she gives about this is in the negatives.
-My damn phone's speaker is broken.
-I can't go to the MSI concert I wanted to go to in March.
-My grandfather has prostate cancer and might die.
-I don't think I'll have enough money for university by the time I want to go, fffff.

Good:
-Next month my boyfriend is coming up to visit me, and I honestly could not be more excited. The notion that I'll be seeing him soon brightens up the darker parts of my mind.
-Got my lappy back today! I missed it sooo much, so glad to have my baby returned to me.
-Made some biggish progress on my Pyro costume today. Dug out two possible suits and bought a couple bottles of red dye. The con's not till May, fff.
-Just need to fix my Gunslinger and I'll be good for my smaller con in March.
-Get to travel to the U.S. to visit my man after the March con. Really really excited, I've only been out of Canada to fly to Florida. Gotta get some Amurrican money. How can I tell what bills are which if they're not colour-coded?!
-Ordered con passes and booked the hotel room for it a week ago and got the room super cheap. $21 per person, for both nights? Yes, I am a boss. And if bitches complain about the twenty-minute walk, maybe they can book the fucking room next year. They'd wait till April and be even further away/pay five times as much.

All the bad stuff is really big and overwhelming, but I try to make the good things (small as they may be) count for as much as I can. I know I'd be a wreck if I didn't have a boyfriend as amazing as I do.

I just feel unwanted lately. Family doesn't help, but it's mostly from my friends.

My parents are clearly getting annoyed with my still living in the house, despite being being in my first year of college, just to start. I can't drive yet (since they refused to let me have lessons until now) and I haven't managed to get any form of job yet, so I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do about it.

Every time I come downstairs after waking up my parents are already yelling at me to do chores or to just spout off about how much I fail at life. My mom is even starting to blame me for the fact that she texts and drives or does PAPERWORK while driving ON THE HIGHWAY.

Not to mention threats of getting kicked out in the snow are becoming weekly occurrences.

My friends, on the other hand, tend to always have hang out sessions with everybody but me included. I used to ask if I could come over, but everybody always gave off the impression they didn't enjoy having me around, so that sucks.

Sometimes they have these hangouts while streaming games, so I can see and hear everybody but me being there, which pretty much rubs salt in the wound. If I comment nobody notices or seems to care, and when they do they always think what I'm saying is unrelated (not calculating that the stream lags). I've even had a friend threaten to permaban me if I say unrelated stuff any more. It hurts.

On NYE I also had a pair cosplay planned with a friend, and I thought we were driving up together for our costume ball. Apparently there were four other people she'd decided were going in her car instead, and thank GOD two of them were sick or I wouldn't have had a ride! Even after having this pair cosplay planned since September!

And when I do hang out with these people I feel like I can't talk to any of them without bugging them. I even feel bad asking, "Hey, it's been five months since you replied to the RP, could you... do that?" "Ugh I'm so busy though *replies to other people's RPs anyways*", or even just asking "How was your day?" So then I just stay silent, and nobody seems to notice at all.

Honestly, if I didn't have panic attacks thinking about death or the idea of dying I might have tried just ending my life by now. I know people would be sad about it, but at this point it feels like it would be out of guilt and not because they've lost a friend or a child.

I've tried to bring myself to just make myself scarce for a week or so to see if they actually care, but I'm afraid of what will happen if they don't even notice.

I feel like such a child, but I just can't stop being upset about this lately.

>>11188
Hey, I think I can relate with how you're feeling. I am in a pretty similar situation, and my so-called "best friend" is slowly pushing me away. How about you send me an e-mail? Or better yet, add me on steam (http://steamcommunity.com/id/kuhzka)? We could have ourselves a good ol' pity party, how about that? Maybe even RP sometime? I haven't done that in a long while. Either way, I love a good conversation, no matter what it's about; I'd love to hear from you.

>>11192
I'm not on steam much lately since my mouse disappeared (which makes it quite difficult to play games), but I'll definitely be sure to send you a mail.

You know you've got problems, when...
>Your friend jokingly brings up the fact that they're writing a clop fic
>You lose your shit so hard you break out into hives

>>11200
I'M STILL SO VERY SORRY.

If I'd have known you'd get this upset, I would have kept my big, fucking stupid mouth shut.

I'll just go into the corner and smash my head off the wall for a bit, until the dirty thoughts about ponies go away.

ALSO. Feelings.
I don't know if it's SOPA's fault, but it is so fucking hard to find the episode of Walking Dead that I wanna watch online. And on top of that, I spent fucking ten minutes getting 1/26th of an achievement in Portal. I was raging pretty bad.
Plus I accidentally slept until three today, so I hate that I did that.

The fact that I was just a huge fucking troll without meaning to be is just the icing on this not-so-awesome-day cake.

And we all love cake.

I hate being alone. Only one of my friends is still talking to me on a regular basis. But at least some of the others are inviting me to things after realizing that the reason I have not been showing up is that no one bothered to tell me about it. Meeting new people is difficult because I don't really do anything. I have 1 class 2 days a week. And I there's not really anything I want to do that is likely to somehow involve other people, at least not that I can afford to do on a regular basis. The main thing is though, I just can't talk to people. I always feel that if I try to say anything to anyone, I would be bothering them. And so I wind up hoping someone will talk to me and start a friendship, or relationship. I know I shouldn't just wait for things to come to me. Even when I did have friends, we only interacted at school, and that's essentially over. And it's not like my track record for relationships is good in the slightest, every single attempt at a decent one ending horribly. I'm not terribly worried about any of this, I am young, there is still much time for things to get better. It's just frustrating, and I am a bit delerious from tired. And lonely, always just me, myself, and I.

Feels good to help a friend of mine who has some psychological problems and physical ones which prevent him of taking every job he may have a qualification for. Not to speak of other things.

Even if it is just an adress for a school where they are specific for people who don´t have the best opportunity to get into the joblife. It is still a bit hope for him. They even have some programms there in which he may be interested.

Still told him he needs to informate himself about it. I can´t do more than give him the adress.

Now i just wait for a other friend of mine to come online so that i can give him a adress where he can applicate too...

I'm glad my parents can laugh at the dog going behind my back and eating the cat's food and chide me for disciplining him accordingly. They aren't the one's who keep the dog in the middle of the night, so who cares if he gives himself the shits and he shits all over the carpet. No, no. Go ahead. Keep laughing. I just feel sorry for you and the animals when you are forced to deal with them by themselves.

Going to see The Game of Shadows with two friends of mine on Wednesday, can't wait! Especially when the last movie I saw in the cinema was X-Men First Class.
I'm just going to cling to the happy things since I can't stand living with my father anymore (mom's usually alright), and I can't wait to move out in a few months. Finally!

Chronic migraines, go away, please.

Otherwise, feeling pretty good. Finally hunkering down into my competitive Soldier bench training with a high div Soldier. Not doing as bad as I thought, in fact, I'm doing pretty damn well. Going to whoop some ass this season.

>>11207
I too have frequent migraines, and so I now carry around a small box with migraine pills and instant cold packs almost everywhere I go.

I know it. I´m fully aware of it. I mean i wake up every morning with myself and need to listen to me on a daily basis so i don´t have the illusion that i´m NICE or something like that.

The newest proof is, that the friend i burned evey bridge down with now said he will soon marry in July. And all i think is that he is one of the last persons i know who deserves it.

He is the most arrogant narcisstic (he even says he is it) twaddler i know.

I don´t get it. I don´t even know where this girl came all of a sudden.

Just showing that you can be the biggest jerk in history, but you seem to find `love` if you just play nice and charming to a unkowing girl.

Karma, why do you disappoint me so much? Damn it i´m counting on you!

I'm going to try and articulate this bullshit instead of beating my face bloody against the wall or self medicating for once.
LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
I had a dream a few nights ago in which I destroyed my enemies in a highly exaggerated Viking fashion and when I woke up I felt at peace for once.
THEN I got into a really fucking stupid argument on the Tumblr and allowed a handful of hipster cunts chase me off the damn thing.
I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on my work because of this 'defeat'.
I keep telling myself that if the argument took place in a tactile, person to person setting, it would have ended differently (with me pounding the living shit out of them and taking their stuff as I have done in my younger days).
I want to start over, but I can't help but think that I'll just end up doing the same stupid shit over again.
I also hate myself for allowing this bullshit to become a problem.

I feel great and I don't know why. I'm a bit concerned about my emotional stability.

On a wireless connection the now, which I hate, but the move is finally winding down and steam is reinstalling as I type. This has been a rough one ladies and gents, make no mistake. Now I gotta catch up with peeps, about my tickets, about my trip to Germany and everything in between. Much more desk flipping to come Im sure.

>>11218
I'm just really damn happy you are back! HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY

Annoyed, annoyed, annoyed. I´m annoyed.
God is the world ever so... loud? I mean i dunno if it is because of the lack of sleep or if this strange phenomen which appears if you don´t talk for hours. Everything just seems loud and annoying. Especially if someone stands besides you helping a other person with a programm and the voice is like booming through half the room. Okay soon lunch pause. Outside is a nice slight fog and a bit SUNSHINE. Goddang sunshine. I missed you all these weeks.

>Read fanfic on DA
>Fanfic has several spelling, grammar, etc. errors
>Say author needs a better beta
>Beta gets pissy, and says it's not her fault

....it's your assigned position to catch the errors before this thing is posted. How in the fuck is it NOT your fault?

Jesus, some people are dumb.

Ffffffffffffucking GET OUT OF MY LIFE. Why, why do you get all the attention?! End childish hissy fit.

My portfolio was accepted too the art school of my choice! Now all I have to do is take my test on Tuesday and have my interview and I'll be in art school all next year!

Fucking. Finally. Got a job. 3 month contract, 40 hours a week, minimum wage, but it's a job.

After a year of searching, it's nice to finally have something.

Birthday tomorrow, yee! Boyfriend and his family took me out to my favorite sushi place last night, which was super sweet (and fuckin' delicious.) Parents are taking me out for more sushi tomorrow. Thank god I'm a dude, cause if I ever got pregnant, there's no way I could resist a regular diet of raw fish for nine months.

Relationship has been going really well. He finally got his anti-anxiety meds going, and besides a few minor side effects (and common ones at that; headaches, mostly), they've really been helping him a lot. He hasn't even had that whole 'reduced sex drive' thing, uhuhu.
He used to get panicky just having to order from a restaurant, but now he's striking up conversations with waiters like it's nothing. We've been communicating more, too. Only a week in to his meds! So proud of him.

School's been going well so far, despite me being randomly panicky about it. I have no real reason to be. Just a lot going on all of a sudden. I need to go in for an orientation tomorrow morning (on my birthday, yuck) and go buy art supplies.

On a random note, Ruby's Diner has gluten free hamburger buns. GOD THEY'RE SO FUCKING GOOD. I haven't been that happy with a burger in years. I'm trying to eat better but damn, I can't wait to go back.

tl;dr, I am a happy, loved, well-fed motherfucker. Life is good.

Got my hotel for Momocon for 40% off. Expedia Rewards awwwwww yeaaahhhh! Now I just have to finish the cosplay.

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Time to find a new friend group.

>>11235
Sorry to hear it, butI'm stealing that emoticon btw.

I just got took to the side and asked by a friend how i am, because i seemed to him like i´m awfully quite in the last time, if we all chat.

I feel guilty making him worry about me. I feel strange that someone did notice it. I feel slapped in the face, because he told me something i never told anyone and i ever put to the side, which let´s me feel small and pathetic and exposed.

Not a feeling you want to share.

For some reason I am seriously considering trying to get back together with a girlfriend I broke up with about 3 years ago. I feel very conflicted and confused about this.

>>11236
Than good Sir, we need to fight for it, because i set eyes on it the first time i saw it´s glorious face on Perry´s Birthday Party.

>>11231
Are they still hiring? Or perhaps looking to hire someone from another country that wants to move up so they can be closer to their girlfriend? You could tell your bosses that it would help promote cultural diversity, or some shit like that.
It's kinda sad that I've worked at my semi-seasonal job of a road construction worked for 5 years and still don't make as much as what your minimum wage is...

>>11243
Yeah, Min wage here is $9.50 an hour. Was supposed to go up to $9.75 a while ago, but for whatever reason it got pushed back.
Where is your girlfriend at? Because unless she's in Atlantic Canada, you're not much closer to her, I'm afraid.

Lots of places around here hiring construction jobs, though. Try http://www.jobbank.gc.ca/intro-eng.aspx if you wanna check out stuff in particular areas.

>>11245
Still better than the $9 an hour I'm making.

Oh, and I'm >>11187 's boyfriend. So basically anywhere in Canada that's not Vancouver is closer than living in New York.

>>11246
Doesn't stubs live in like, Ontario? I'm about a 14 hour drive away from there. Not much closer than New York would be.

I'd try looking on the jobbank for jobs in Toronto, or Ottawa. They'd have tons.

Pissed.Off.

And tired.

>>11234

You're going to Momocon? Now I feel bad for quit going now with them changing from being a free con to pay weekend con. Aw well.. AWA will always be on.

>>11248
REPLY YOU SILLY MOO!

Usually my cold, tiny heart doesn't allow me to shed tears when shit officially goes down the tubes, but when I do..

So, my ex moved out, and I'm alone. This is good in the respect that I can can finally spend time with my sweetheart. I also am lavishing as much attention on Snuggletooth, my baby turtle, as much as I can. The upshot of this is that my depression is gone.

>>11253
What is troubling you so much?

Weird shit's been goin' on.
But no matter what, I haven't stopped lurking the chan.