In terms of religion:
-Scout is clearly Catholic, and probably went to Catholic school because the public schools in Boston were pretty dire at the time, and Catholic schools were cheap/free and better.

-Because Soviet Russia, Heavy probably hasn't had much exposure to organized religion. But considering the fact his dad was killed for being a counterrevolutionary, I have the idea that his parents taught him about Christianity and maybe other religions, in a secular kind of way, just to be rebellious. Not necessarily that they raised him religious. They just taught him about Christianity and the Bible because it's kind of a big deal. So when he got his giant mitts on an illegal copy of The Master and Margarita in postgrad, he had no problem understanding the religious allusions. Drives me nuts when fanfic writers have him all "what is Bible, is it thing you eat?" There's no way the USSR was that successful in wiping our the opiate of the masses.

-Medic is totally Jewish. The "Archimedes!" song is some pretty nice klezmer music. And his nose would fit right in with my Jewish relatives'. And when he sings "Danke Schoen", he uses the Yiddish pronounciation of "schoen" (rhymes with "pain" instead of "pawn"), which, to be fair, is used in the English translation of the song, but considering the fact there's also a German version, you'd think he'd sing that. And I think it's left intentionally ambiguous which version of the song he's singing, because he just goes "danke schoen, nah nah, danke schoen." The English version goes "danke shoen, darling, danke schoen," but he's apparently forgotten most of the words... which is pretty endearing. So, headcanon: Medic is a dippy, eccentric Jewish guy (he's an atheist, and a nihilist, but he's still culturally Jewish, and his mother was mad as hell when he lost his medical license. She threatened to die of shock, and made a big deal out of how her son, who's not a doctor, couldn't save her if she did) who has no idea why he comes across as an uptight ex-Nazi. Somehow the way his clothes fit on him screams "Hugo Boss", and he has no idea why. People move away from him in the pews when he's dragged to synagogues for family events...

>>13062
Everything you just said might as well have come from my own head.

Soldier is a “Christian,” by which I mean he makes up whatever the hell he wants and claims that Jesus said it. He readily declares that the Bible is a load of horse shit on account of the fact that he doesn’t agree with it, he thinks Catholicism and Protestantism are both suicide cults, and he rejects just about every Christian principle under the sun. Since he’s been manually escorted out of every church he’s ever entered, he’s taken responsibility for his own salvation. He baptised himself by taking a warm, lavender-scented bubble bath, and occasionally declares his pork ribs to be the body and blood of Christ.

Pyro believes in Unicorns.

Engineer is a sort of sceptical animist. He likes to think that everything has a spirit of some sort—nothing you can see or measure, but there. He freely admits that he has no good reason to believe what he does, and that he mostly just believes it because he feels like it. He just thinks of it as a way to satisfy his spiritual inclination [a taste for the supernatural inflicted upon him by ridiculously devout parents] without offending rationality.

Demoman was raised Catholic, but his experiences with the supernatural have converted him, unwillingly, into a pagan shaman of sorts. I say “unwillingly,” because shit, he didn’t ask to have spirit beings possess his empty eye sockets, bestowing upon him the ability to see the Yrth Underhill.

Spy admires religious devotion, being largely charmed by the iconicism of Roman Catholicism, and by the idea that a person can simply wash away their sins. He wishes he could deceive himself to believe it—he’d certainly be a lot happier if he did—but he can’t.

Sniper keeps telling himself that the existence of God doesn’t make any sense and he shouldn’t believe it, but he’s never been able to shake a paranoid concern that higher powers are watching him and judging him while he masturbates. Luckily for Sniper, that’s not God. It’s just Spy.

>>Soldier is a “Christian,” by which I mean he makes up whatever the hell he wants and claims that Jesus said it.
>>Sniper keeps telling himself that the existence of God doesn’t make any sense and he shouldn’t believe it, but he’s never been able to shake a paranoid concern that higher powers are watching him and judging him while he masturbates. Luckily for Sniper, that’s not God. It’s just Spy.

My favorite quotes of the day. Thank you.

>>13062
I like this as sort of a compromise between the two most common headcanons. He's Jewish, but people don't entirely believe he is because he's just so darn creepy. (Although I think if you transplanted Medic into a different ethnicity and time period, he'd be creepy regardless. In an endearing way.)

>>13052
I had this mental image of Heavy reading The Illiad in bed and pausing to take his reading glasses off, trying to wipe his eyes, and having to explain to Medic what happened in the book and Medic just patting his arm.

Spy is actually a very wealthy aristocrat from an old-money family. However, the high life didn't entertain him enough, and soon he began training to be a master thief and assassin.

>>13063
>Soldier is a “Christian,” by which I mean he makes up whatever the hell he wants and claims that Jesus said it. He readily declares that the Bible is a load of horse shit on account of the fact that he doesn’t agree with it, he thinks Catholicism and Protestantism are both suicide cults, and he rejects just about every Christian principle under the sun. Since he’s been manually escorted out of every church he’s ever entered, he’s taken responsibility for his own salvation. He baptised himself by taking a warm, lavender-scented bubble bath, and occasionally declares his pork ribs to be the body and blood of Christ.

I laughed. Personally I see Demoman as Presbyterian because of his Scottishness.

>>13068
>I had this mental image of Heavy reading The Illiad in bed and pausing to take his reading glasses off, trying to wipe his eyes, and having to explain to Medic what happened in the book and Medic just patting his arm.

This just gave me diabetes. Absolutely adorable. Of course, I just love the idea of Heavy cracking into a really big book for several hours on end. Maybe listening to a book on tape when he's cleaning Sascha, since his hands aren't free. The man has a PHD in lit (I take Poker Night as canon as anything else, why not?), so I can see him being incredibly bookish. Also your idea of him having reading glasses is the cutest.

And with Poker Night brought up, I can imagine when the team was forming, Heavy was amongst the first. And when he found out there was a Scottish explosives expert joining up, he was super excited because to a lot of people, Scottish and Irish = Red Hair. Needless to say he was disappointed.

Spy isn't French. His parents were Hungarian Jews who fled to Britain during one of the pogroms. He worked with MI6 during the war, and became attached enough to the "French" persona he developed in the field that he's continued to use it during his work for TF Industries.

>>13062

I don't personally see Medic as being Jewish, (I feel like it would be out of place in a 'silly' backstory and would make a serious one even more excessively melodramatic than it probably would be on its own) but I do like to imagine that he was quite the rebel as a student and enjoys listening to Jazz and Klezmer.

Medic isn't Jewish but he is circumcised - he did it himself in a fit of scientific curiosity.

>>13075

Oh my god

BEST HEADCANON

>>12878

>Soldiers, being unable to see anything except their own feet, rely primarily on echolocation to navigate their surroundings. That’s why they so often appear to be screaming at inanimate objects.

BEST HEADCANON. I love this one.

>Engineer’s Great Grandmum on his maternal grandmother’s side was a spider monkey.

This, though, I'd like an explanation for, if there is one.

>>13073
I can see Medic being Jewish, but not necessarily being disrespectful or melodramatic about it. Way I figure it, Medic is a very smart man. He probably noticed the change in climate as the party grew in power, and decided to get while the gettin' was good. Maybe taking loved ones, more likely looking out for number one. He probably left Deutchland long before things got serious, taking refuge in Switzerland, where German is spoken, even if it's practically an alien language. Swiss German is intensely different from Germany's German.

New headcanon: Sniper as a cat owner. They could both be lazy, and give no fucks about anything, and occasionally Sniper would remember to feed it, but even if he didn't, it's okay, because the little furball's a great hunter, and brings back dead birds all the time, as if to say 'thanks for letting me sleep in your van, and piss on your shag carpeting'.

>>13094
When cats bring you dead things, they're nagging you to get a job learn to hunt.
I can see Sniper's cat being entirely disenchanted with Sniper's sniping skills. Clawing things to death is far more polite and efficient.

>>13094
As someone whose cat dragged home a pheasant once, I wholeheartedly support this headcanon. It's freaking adorable. I can picture a tortoiseshell kitty, lounging around while Sniper watches a target.

>>13095
What does it mean when they bring you live things? My cat used to bring home still-squirming mice and moles all the time, drop them in the house. Guess who had to run around and try to catch them to put them back out in the backyard. Fun times.
I imagine Sniper's probably had to do that, too.

>>13098
Your cat's behaviour is the feline equivalent of leaving a stack of job applications on your side of the kitchen table. Get up and hunt, you lazy bastard. You're making your cat cry.

>>13100
But I was seven! They don't let seven year-olds work! ;_;

At least not legally.

>>13095

Wait I thought they brought you gifts because they love you

They do. They love you and want to take care of you. Like a parent providing for their child.

>>13095

Uh...my cat brings dead things to our doorstep, eats all of it except for the poop sack, then barfs it back up and leaves it there.

What does that mean?

>>13113
It means your cat's weird.

Sniper doesn't actually have parents.

>>13134

You can't just leave me hanging, explain yourself!

Scout played the flute in middle school band so that he could be surrounded by girls. He then practised his arse off to earn first chair so that he could sit next to the cute oboist. At no point in this experience did he develop anything resembling passion for the instrument.

The Administrator deliberately hires Heavies and Medics who are romantically compatible, out of the understanding that mated pairs will guard one-another more vigilantly. Miss Pauling is in charge of the matchmaking. She reads Star Trek slash, therefore she’s an expert on gay men.

Pyro will spontaneously combust every now and then, usually due to his brain short-circuiting whilst trying to solve difficult puzzles. It turns out that while his suit does repel flame from the outside, his inside is actually extremely flammable, capable of burning to ashes in under a minute.

Scootma has a behavioural disorder in which she is unable to restrain herself from telling embarrassing stories about her children to masked gentlemen.

Demoman is a cool uncle. The kind that takes you to zoos and lets you try on his kilt and distracts your scary aunt during family reunions so that you don’t have to talk to her. This is true even if he doesn’t have any nieces and nephews to be cool uncle to.
He might, for example, be a cool uncle to Scout's kids. This is important, because Scout will definitely become a single father, on the account of the fact that no woman will marry him, and he'll need the intervention of a cool uncle every once in a while to keep things going smoothly. Once his children are grown, though, a masked gentlewoman investigating the background of Scout’s adult [but still a virgin] daughter will fall deeply in love with Scout and seduce him. The masked gentlewoman's RED counterpart will take photographs of their sexual encounters and show them to her coworker, Scout's daughter, who in her outrage will swear a hatred for masked gentlefolk. Little will she know of the vicious cycle that has plagued her family for generations.

>>13136

That second one needs to be a fic. I'd do it myself if I could write.

Pyrovision works in reverse - that is, if he watched a show full of rainbows and sunshine like My Little Pony, he'd see a giant bloodbath of fire.

>>13137
I was going to mention Pyrovision earlier too.
His flower purse? He thinks it's a slick suitcase with a bitchin' skull on it. He likes cute things, but he wants people to think he's a badass (he can get insecure, too).

As for Sniper's parents (or lack thereof): I was trying to make a statement on his mental stability.

He's always phoning and arguing with his parents but if we imagine they're not alive.... Is he talking to a dead payphone? Calling random people and talking to them like they're family? Can he communicate with the dead?

If he killed his parents or otherwise feels guilty for his death, this could be a powerful way to show his inner turmoil.

Or he's just plum loony.

Scout is really strong, enough to crack someone's skull open, even if he doesn't look outwardly muscular.

There are people I know who irl appear very thin, almost wiry, and can carry heavy packages despite not being remotely "ripped". I can't explain it.

So no one's got a headcanon that can reconcile the existential crisis that is the existence of two groups of the exact same people?

Headcanon:
I see in fics/art that the classes are always annoyed by each others' habits and cultural differences, and more or less hate each other. Would they really act like that?

I'm reminded of a place I worked, where everyone had big, diverse personalities. Whenever someone acted cocky, smartass, dumbass, high, horny, giggly, gross or inappropriate, everyone else would just smile or laugh and say "Oh my God, Editor X. I love you."

I'd like to think everyone reacts with similar humor when Sniper announces that he needs to go piss in a jar during breakfast, or when Heavy breaks the chair he's sitting in, or when Scout tries to hit on everylady, etc.

Spy used to be a racing driver who'd "tinker" with his opponent's cars just before the race would begin. When he felt they were about to expose him for sabotage, he faked his own death and signed on for RED/BLU.

>>13140
I've been kicking around ideas to justify the identical teams before, but I've yet to come up with one I'm satisfied with.

I think the best one I have so far is that they are all the same people. Clones. In particular, since Blutarch seemed to take the initiative on things before Redmond, perhaps he was the one who first commissioned the respawn machine. Before, Mercs would sign on for a tour, then fuck off when they were done and paid, to be replaced. But that got expensive and tedious. So Blutarch had respawn created.

He eventually found that even though his team was now undying, they were still getting spanked, because a certain brother of his had finally assembled a perfect team, who could take out any force Blutarch sent at him. So while Redmond had his own respawn made from stolen intel, Blutarch upped the ante and secretly cloned the RED team using a conversion to his respawn technology. Now, BLU had RED's winning team, and a technically infinite amount of them. Just in time to run into RED's newly infinite amount of original mercs, thanks to his new respawn.

RED being the originals helps my reconcile why they are always the stars of the Meet The Team videos and promotional stuff as well. They're the default, the originals.

As such: Sniper's parents think he's loony because every once in a while he'll call them and tell them the same story he just called and told them a few days before. One from BLU, one from RED. Same poor poor parents.

>>13140

I've always seen that as one of these questions for which there is no answer, and for which there is not supposed to be an answer. This is just my theory on it, mind you, but I think that (considering all the other weird shit that apparently happens in their world) it's not too far out to suggest they simply could be a bunch of guys who are eerily similar to each other. They're like the guy in the movie who conveniently looks and talks and acts just like a famous politician/royal family member/wanted criminal, to the point where everyone believes he IS that person and wacky hijinks ensue. There's no logical reason that the RED and BLUE soldier would both have the last name "Doe" or that there would be more than one being like Pyro in the world. The way I see it, there doesn't have to be a logical reason. Not in the TF2 universe, where Australians mail away for piss-based fighting manuals and you can blow up Fred Astaire with a rocket launcher for $35.

>>13143

See, this is what I used to sort of think too--that the BLU team were clones of the RED team, but I dunno, because we don't know so much about the background of the two companies or the Administrator that it makes it hard to come to a real conclusion.

http://www.teamfortress.com/pyromania/thepoopyjoefiles/04.html

That's probably the best explanation of why BLU and RED look and act so much like each other that we're gonna get. I think I like it better with little information, though, because then fans are free to write/draw/think whatever they want. I now favor the idea of the two groups being basically the same, but with different little characteristics that makes one team get along better than the other team or something silly like that.

What if both teams are clones of a third group of guys, ones who aren't necessarily with either RED or BLU?

>>13144
This is my take on it, too.

As Miss Pauling said when talking about robots that run on money, "for reasons I can't comprehend or explain." It's the TF2 Universe, weird shit just happens, because why not?

>>13138

I really, really like this idea. It would make one hell of a horror/creepy pasta type fic.

Okay. Terrible MvM headcanon time.

I had an idea that the Engineer didn't originally build the robots for Grey Mann, but instead designed them to be totally fabulous dancing/acrobat robots that would be really fun to play around with so that the Engineer could make totally awesome robot dance troupes/circuses and put them all over Europe and New Orleans. When he told the rest of his team about his wonderful idea, everyone was like 'no that's a terrible idea you suck' and so his dreams of a world-famous robot circus/dance troupe were ruined and, being the frustrated scientist he is, he threw his plans away and destroyed all the prototypes that he had.

Grey Mann found the plans flying around on the desert wind (because the Soldier is a very sloppy hobo who doesn't put his trashcan lids on properly) and was like 'hey, if I get rid of the terrible dancing programming I can use this shit' and built a robot army.

You can imagine that the Engineer was kind of pissed when he found out that his lovely dancing troupe had been turned into mindless slaves hellbent on destroying everything associated with Mann Co.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the stupidest headcanon on this entire thread.

>>13140
If mentioned to any of the mercenaries that they looked like their counterpart on the other team, they’d be mortally offended. Honestly, just because they're both black Scottish cyclopes, you'd just lump them together like that? They're individuals as different as night as day! Talk about ignorant! Huff!

The Demoman reloads his sticky launcher by pulling the handle on the side, which activates a tiny teleporter, which brings a bomb from the nearest ammo box/dispenser into the gun chamber, ready to fire.

Or maybe he's so stinkin' drunk he just thinks that's how it works

Pyro used to be a firefighter before joining TFIndustries (what other job lets you be around fire all the time?). Unfortunately, s/he killed fed lollipops to more people than s/he saved, and was subsequently fired. S/he did keep a fire axe lollipop as a memento.

The stories about the monster in the water at Teufort isn't entirely unfounded. The BLU Demo is the only one who knows the true story, along with knowing who the monster originally was. He doesn't like to talk about it, though, and when you do get him drunk enough to talk about it, he seems to almost cry. He and the monster were buddies, once, the monster being a BLU Medic who decided to experiment on himself instead of his team or RED (before the REDs became huge douchebags).

Engiebots do exist, but they choose to not join in battle. Not only do they run everything from the primary transport functions to bot building, but they find the human construct so complex and appealing, they simply can't destroy it.

All Spies eventually become Pyros, it's how some of them are so sneaky and know the best spots to ambush the enemy team.

I've made a relationship graph everyone can use for five minutes.
You can just draw the red or blud arrows so that you can express how mercs feel toward each of them in your headcanon.
If there's a red arrow from the one to another, then the one has a good feeling toward him.
If a blue one, the one feels awkward to the target.

>>13189
You can just focus on only few classes if you don't wanna draw all 72 lines.
It can be the base or ref when you are depicting the relationship or feelings in your fanfic or comic

I feel like this is Mann Co's motto.

>>13212
You know, Grunkle Stan's voice always reminds me of Soldier's. They have the same.... gruffness.

Oh God it's autosaged. Time to find out it age works.

Ehh I don't care if it's autosaged or not, I just feel like putting some more headcanons in anyway. FUCK DA POLICE

Engie has problems with women. Like, seriously debilitating problems. If he's married, he's got marriage problems with his wife (who is some kind of drop dead gorgeous lady that would make the Scout be like 'why the fuck did she marry him instead of me holy shit'), and if he's not, he possesses some sort of horrible animosity towards women that spawned (in some messed up way) from his mother killing herself in front of him when he was twelve.

Sniper and Demo also have some trouble with ladies, mostly because they're both insecure about themselves. (Sniper isn't so visibly insecure as the Demoman because he doesn't drink.) Sniper's insecurities originate from being the only boy (or person) at his high school/primary school to never grow a fabulous mustache or gain fifty pounds of muscle on his sixteenth birthday. He wasn't a popular fellow and got picked on. A lot.

Soldier's surprisingly good with the ladies when he isn't punching them in the boob for some stupid reason or another. So is the Medic, but he is really more interested in the physical aspect of the opposite sex than anything else (and by physical I mean 'my madame what a nice set of lungs you have they are lovely what no don't run away i promise it won't hurt much!')

The Heavy is actually quite sociable around women, considering that he grew up with his mother and sisters, but none of them really compare to Sasha, who will always be his favorite and only lady.

Spy don't give a fuck. He walks into a room and people's pants (and skirts) just disappear. There's a theory that there is some dimension where discarded clothing is just piling up until it reaches a critical mass and rips the very fabric of time and space apart.

Scout gets pussy every night because he found a box of kittens on his doorstep and takes care of them and lets them sleep on his bed.

Pyro was once in a polyamorous relationship with a frying pan, his axe, and a ball of string.

Some post on tumblr labeled BLU Engie a traitor and claimed that he was the one who built the robots seen in Mann vs. Machine.

So I'm curious: any thoughts or headcanons on this? Really both Engineers could be suspect given RED Engie is seen with beta robot heads in the Engineer Update Teaser, and BLU Engie discovered all of those Australium caches. Not only that but Radigan shows no qualms about working for either side.

To be honest I'd love to see some sort of scenario play out where a Spy discovers that an Engineer (or both) is behind the robots and tries to expose him, only to be ignored because he's Spy after all. I dunno I just like the irony of the (normally) backstabbing liar telling the truth and with Good Ole Boy Engineer as a villain.

Jesus why are we writing on a saged thread we should just make a new one but whatever.

>>13248

See, I don't really see the BLU Engineer as a traitor, or an intentional one, at least. I mean, it is definitely possible (and would make a really cool story line) but what reason would the Engineer have to defect to Grey Mann's side? He's got a good job, he's got money, he's got all the tools and parts he could build with.

I just don't see a logical reason as to why the Engineer would defect and go against the Administrator, only to join up with a man that is most likely as scummy as she is. And if he did, he would have not only her after him, but his own team and RED team as well. (And, as a guy who fought with and against these men, he would know how obnoxiously badass they are). We can also assume that as soon as Grey had the blueprints for the robots, he'd probably off the BLU Engineer.

...So why would Engie defect?

(See, but if it does turn out to be a canon thing and Engie did defect, well isn't that just some drama waiting to happen maybe Grey has Australium or something who knows. Exciting stuff, guys.)

>>watching Ed Wood
>>he's terrible at a thing he's passionate about and goes after it with giddy enthusiasm
>>crossdresses and doesn't give a fuck what people think
>>fascinated by mad scientists and monsters and morbid things
>>writes a speech for Bela Lugosi about wanting to make monsters and being unable to go back to his homeland and wanting to make a superhuman race
>>tells a European bald hairy wrestler he's handsome

Reminds me eerily of Medic.

According to YouTube, Merasmus doesn't really have that dramatic magical voice, he's just speaking into one of those plastic echo microphones from the 90's. Also, he is the Monarch from The Venture Bros.

I'm okay with this.

i watched Léon, The Proffesional the other day.

theres a part where he says that the better the assasin, the closer he can get to his target and how you start at the sniper rifle and work your way down to the knife.

because of that i now believe that Spy is actually a better sniper than Sniper is